My story: How I discovered my husband’s affair


I discovered the truth on Septemer 22, 2012. I guess the truth had been haunting me despite a happy marriage and three amazing children… there was something wrong. Funny thing is, I thought I was unhappy with my job or something. No idea that the root of my unhappiness, discontent and insecurity was stemming from my seemingly perfect marriage.

But there I was at 2 a.m. going through his emails trying to find something. And then I saw the email to her that read:

I miss you……

Why would he tell another woman he missed her? And why did he email her a photo of my children? And why was her comment that it wasn’t like the other photos they had been sharing? And why was there no other photos in his email to or from her? My heart was pounding and my body was shaking. And then I found it. A sexual photo downloaded from Tumblr and emailed to another account. An account I didn’t recognize. It took less than two minutes to hack into the account and as my computer screen refreshed I prayed that all I would find was a collection of erotic photos. But it wasn’t. I found 73 pages of emails from her to my husband detailing a year long affair. I wanted to scream but it was the middle of the night. My husband was away for the weekend  with one of our kids. I couldn’t even scream at him.

I sobbed in my bed alone wondering how and why we got to this point.

I knew I shouldn’t torture myself with the emails but I began to read through them. Her messages to him were mostly sexual, describing their encounters detail by detail. I skipped through the emails picking dates that had meaning to me–did he write her on my birthday? our anniversary? valentine’s day? Was he responding to her or initiating the emails? How did this begin without me noticing? Was I blind? Was I that far removed from my husband’s life?


The questions flooded my brain. The pain of what he had done was overwhelming. I physically got sick. I couldn’t sleep. I kept going back to the emails.

Did he want our marriage to end? Did he ever love me? I’d never felt pain like this. Ever. It was straight to my core.

I loved this man. I gave him everything. I loved him dearly and we discussed our love as though it were unique, something everyone wants but not everyone receives. So how could a man that looked me in the eyes and say he would never risk losing me enter into a year long affair?

I knew who she was too. She was removed from me but I met her once and didn’t care for her. The first time he ever told me about her I didn’t like the way he seemed to idolize her–saying that she was amazing at her job when I couldn’t hear anything remarkable in his comments. I told him too. It’s only now that I know that when I told him I didn’t like the way he seemed to talk about her that he decided not to talk about her to me from then on. Funny thing, she was barely his friend at that point. But once he decided to continue that relationship purposefully behind my back, it became an affair. He still denies that was the turning point in the relationship. Trying to believe he was just being a friend to her as she ended her marriage. He says he wasn’t attracted to her. Claims he didn’t find her sexually appealing. Yet when she started making passes at him through email, that was when he suggested opening private email accounts. About a month after the private email accounts were opened he had sex with her.

I struggle with how many details I want to know. Once you know something, you can’t un-know it. He says she invited him over to her house to help with some “work” stuff. She didn’t work at his office but she kept inserting herself into his business. He says she kissed him that day. He kissed her back. Then two weeks later he drove back to her house in the middle of his work day and they had sex. This continued almost on a weekly basis until the day I found the emails.

So here I am 35 days later. We are still married, living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed and we are still in love. When I confronted him, he acknowledged everything. At first, he tried to defend himself by saying our sex life had dwindled. Then he tried to say that I am the love of his life but he doesn’t think he is the love of my life. Then he tried to say that I never initiate sex or go down on him. All of this was displacing the blame and he has since realized that this was HIS choice and it wasn’t about me.

It took him a full day to break down. I think he realized that he risked our marriage, his relationship with his children, his job and everything that is meaningful in his life for a woman that he doesn’t even care to see again. When I told him that if she wasn’t 100% out of his life then I was going to be–he didn’t bat an eye. He said he was relieved. He said he tried to end it twice. I don’t know if that is supposed to make me feel better or not? He says he slept with her for her needs, not because he wanted to. He was trying to be a friend to her as she went through a bad time in her life. Wow. Not to lighten the mood–but have I been a bad friend because I haven’t been sleeping with all my friends going through tough times?

He begged me to forgive him and said he would do anything. I believe him. I’m not saying that I trust him again. But I believed him when he said he loved me.

We’ve spent every night for the past 35 days talking. Talking through the pain, tears, anger and fears. He takes responsibility for his decisions and actions but he struggles with how he even let himself sink that low. He was self-destructing and he failed to recognize that the real devastation was to me, his wife. He may live with the guilt, but I live with the pain, the endless images in my mind, the triggers that catch you off-guard and the sadness that fills my heart. I can’t sit on the toilet without thinking: my husband cheated on me.

I guess I am writing this blog because I want to know why he did it. Honestly, we had (have) not just a good marriage–a great marriage. We are that couple that our family and friends try to emulate. We have amazing children–because we invest time and love into them together. We talked. We made love. We got along with each other’s families. We went on vacations. We supported each other through really tough times. Yes, we had our moments but we were thankful for each other. When we heard of people divorcing we acknowledged how lucky we were to be married to our soul mate. So why did he doubt my love? Because he wasn’t getting bj’s or laid enough? Because I went back to work? What makes a person risk a life they built with their true love for someone that is meaningless? How did he allow it to continue for a year? How did he live with the guilt? How did he look me or his kids in the eye? How did he tell our kids to surround themselves with honest and good-intentioned people if he was not doing the same? Why was his need to make her feel better more important than our marriage vows?

I am hoping these questions will be answered here.

In the end, I love him. That’s all I know right now.


419 thoughts on “My story: How I discovered my husband’s affair

  1. These stories sound so familiar…… after 27 years of marriage, I figured out my husband was having an affair. I suspected it, but didn’t confront him until I had proof. He denied it of course, then I spoke of the information I read in the e-mails from his “secret” e-mail account, and he stopped denying it. We talked about it for days. . . . I cried every one of those days. We reached a point where we had discussed everything that could be related to this affair & he agreed to end the relationship. That following year went so well. He was so attentive and caring! Not that he wasn’t before, but it seemed like he was going to extra effort to show me he cared for me. I was beginning to “forget” about the affair and would say to myself, “Wow, we really dodged a bullet!” Well, the following summer, someone we do business with was “hanging around” after she picked up her order. I was coming & going, so didn’t always see how long she stayed. Finally, I noticed she was around quite a bit, and my daughters mentioned she was around a lot. I confronted my husband about this, then finally told him I was uncomfortable with how much time she was spending here. I came home one day, unexpectedly found them in our locked building with her children playing outside. I unlocked and walked in on the “end” of something that my husband assured me “it wasn’t what it looked like”. When you don’t want to believe something, your mind will believe anything. It is a coping mechanism. He started “going to town” more often, etc. . . . you get the picture. I kept asking him what was wrong and if there was someone else. He assured me that there wasn’t. This went on for about a year. I started digging. I don’t like to look in wallets, his truck, his e-mail or his phone, but I did. I felt horrible doing this. Not sure if that feeling came from feeling as though I was doing something dis-honest or from the information I was discovering. Receipts in his wallet for a “secret phone”, e-mail with pictures on his “real phone”. About that time, he told me he wanted to spend a couple of nights at his family’s beach house because he couldn’t sleep—I was snoring too much!!! A couple of nights turned into a couple of weeks, then into a couple of months. He would show up each morning for coffee, breakfast and change his clothes.(I can’t believe I put up with that!!) I kept asking what was going on? I finally asked him if we were separated and he said “YES!” like this was something we discussed. I convinced him to go to counseling, but it only lasted 2 sessions—-based on what was discussed in those 2 sessions, the male psychologist told him that he needed medication for depression and to get some alcohol counseling. He informed me right before our 3rd session that he no longer wanted to work on the marriage. (he wasn’t ready to own his actions and face a few things.) I continued counseling—I NEEDED IT!! There is much more to this story than what I have written. Our marriage was something special. I think calling it mid-life crises is BS. He told me he just wasn’t happy. I feel like since I forgave him once, I taught him how to treat me—like giving him permission to do it again–only a little sneakier!!! Our 3 daughters are heartbroken—they are ages 26, 23 & 18. I put so much effort into our marriage & his family business—I should not be in this situation at this point in my life!! He has hurt so many people by his actions. His actions throughout this last year do NOT indicate that there is ANY chance of working things out. He has done too many hurtful, thoughtless things. To top off my year, I was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer. There are some days, I just think, “What the Heck!!”!!! I have lots of friends & family, so I am not alone. Thanks for reading this. It feels good to write it out and share with others that this has happened to. (-:

  2. Where do i start? Firstly thankyou to everyone that has written in & shared their experiences, it has helped knowing I’m not the only one as thats sometimes how i feel.
    I discovered 1 year ago on Valentines Day 2013 that my husband was having an affair with a local girl that i will say nicely, has a reputation.
    My husband of 18 yrs was acting out of character,always keeping busy, and had lost alot of weight. He was looking really sick and i knew something was going on with him. I found phone records of hourly multiple calls daily to a local girl that lives in our area. I confronted him an asked what did he have in common with this girl that he needed to ring this woman for 4 hrs a day. He quickly responded with Oh, nothing ive been doing work there, and she wants quotes done for more work. I said i didnt realise doing quotes for work took 3-4 hrs a day for 4 months to discuss.My legs started shaking and my heart sank as this was very out of character for my husband.We have had a good marriage. he is my sole mate so i thought, my protector and my best friend.I do everything for him, there is nothing i wouldnt do for him or try to supply him.I work 4 days a week and have done so since our first born was 8 months old, i try to please him in everyway including sex which never stopped at all during this time. We had been away on work outings, stayed away on weekends together through all these phone calls, text messages etc. He smashed his phone so i couldnt get to it. He moved out for 2 weeks and i was outraged everyday and our kids were a total mess. I confronted the OW and went to her house, which i found out denied anything was going on except talking as he was a nice guy. Sorry this is so long…
    2 weeks after finding all the calls, i stumbled on more phone calls, i rang the number to discover it was his first girlfriend from 25 yrs ago.
    My legs shaking i fell to the gound with shock, I said why have u been ringing her? He told me she was trying to get intouch with me, but its ok i told her not to call me. I said you are lying.He admitted that he has been in contact with her for the whole 22 yrs of us being together. I was screaming at him, Why?? Do you love her? Whats wrong with me? Why did you marry me? My heart was torn apart in feelings of betrayal an deceit beyond explaining. He said they were only phone calls to see how life was going with each other but i believe he just couldnt let go.
    For a long 10 months we continued living together fighting everyday, with questions firing that didnt add up. Lies after lies continued, but i started finding out things,which he hated and would get very angry at me, said it was all in my head. I cried every day especially at night asking myself why? He reasurred me it wasnt me, it was him and he was bored as he wasnt working much and he was feeling low. He said i was busy working and busy with out 3 kids and this woman praised his work an made him feel good. I was a total mess an still am after a year. 7 weeks ago my husband was sitting on the bed an he finally admitted to me he had sex with this woman that is married. He said he went there to do a job one day by himself and it just happened. My pain has started all over again, my chest hurts, i have panic attacks and i feel like waking up an it will all be over. He says it was nothing and meaningless an he realised it was a mistake. He said he felt so guilty that he just had to tell me so we could move on together. He said it was a awful experience that he fully regrets but the problem is it does not take my pain away in why he would do this in the first place. He tells me im perfect and he had it all, he says he feels so ashamed to be with the OW when i made him feel so good. He wants to move on, says he hates himself for hurting me an our 3 kids and i believe him but my problem is what im left with feelings of not being good enough etc.I am proud of him that he finally told me what really went on but the constant thoughts of them 2 having sex makes me sick in the stomach. He was my first which makes this very difficult for me to accept, and the thoughts are driving me crazy. I pray everyday to take the thoughts away, but they are still there. He wants to move on says he does not miss the OW or wants her in any way. He said it was a once off mistake that knew was wrong, not sure if to believe him or if he says this to make me feel better. The phone calls kept going even after the mistake, so not sure. He is a wonderful guy who everyone loves, we were a couple that people would envy. How do you move on?? How do u forget? We are both now going to counselling, hopefully it helps. Candice

    • Sometimes I wonder how I moved on and I think it’s just because time doesn’t stop. We have to keep going, taking care of the kids, working, etc. Your story is so much like my own… I wish I could tell you that you could forget but that’s just not the case. I have thoughts of the affair or the AP every day. The thoughts are no longer painful or upsetting but they are there just the same. I hope someday those thoughts are gone but I just don’t know if that is possible.
      Counseling is a great first step forward. Looking back I realize now that keeping an open mind was important. After discovering my husband’s affair I let go of expectations. I no longer believed in anything because I believed so strongly my husband would NEVER cheat. I was wrong.
      It gets better but it takes time. One day at a time. I can honestly say I am genuinely happy with my life right now. Probably the happiest I’ve ever been. There is something I gained from this experience that changed me for the best. I did lose a lot and I will never be happy my husband cheated. But I am here, I am stronger and we are happier and more in love than ever.

      • How can you say you are more in love than ever? Im having a real hard time processing the affair I found out 3 weeks ago and I dont know which way to go :( please help

      • Three weeks after my D-Day I was not more in love than ever. I wasn’t even sure if what I felt was love or if I was disillusioned. I wasn’t sure how much of my life was a lie and what I could believe. I knew I didn’t want to leave but I couldn’t answer whether I was doing the right thing by staying. All I knew was that I didn’t want to make the decision to leave unless I absolutely knew our marriage was over. So I spent the first year trying to get to a point where I could trust myself to make the right decision.
        It takes time to process the affair. Eight months after my d-day my therapist asked me if I had accepted the affair had happened to me yet. I wanted to say yes but I realized I was wishing i would wake up one day and discover it was a nightmare. It takes time. I don’t know your story but I know how hard it is in the first few weeks and months…. I am sorry you are here but you are not alone.

    • “What makes a person risk a life they built with their true love for someone that is meaningless?”

      I have been asking myself the same questions since October. I’m only now at the point where I can tell my story in bits and pieces on my blog. It’s so much to process and that question…”why”…is always in the back of my mind. Like your husband, mine reconnected with his first girlfriend from high school. We are talking 27 years ago. I can’t help but wonder if it’s been going on all these years. He swears they haven’t seen each other…so why? Why risk everything? Why damage our family and hurt our daughter and destroy your wife for someone you haven’t seen in 27 years? None of it makes any sense.

      • I just followed the link to your blog and read through your latest post (July 13) with the FB messages. I am thinking about how you wrote in both that post and above that none of it makes sense. I have come to believe that my husband’s actions will never make sense. I will never get an answer that makes this all okay or that makes me say–oh, I totally get why you started sleeping with another woman for a year, lying to me and your kids. I just don’t think there’s an answer to the “WHY?” I do have answers to the WHY but nothing is concrete. Because even when I have answers it still goes back to why did he involve himself for so long? I hope to read more of your blog and learn from your insights.

  3. I was looking for answers when I discovered your post. Two weeks ago I acted on a long held instinct that something wasn’t quite right in my marriage. It did not take me long searching through his computer backups to find, not one, not two, not three, not four, but five different emotional relationships. Three of those relationships lasted seven years. One was during a time he was away with the military. I was privy to an entire 30 minute video of their love affair that my husband and put together in dedication to her. One painful picture after another. The fifth girl was a huge question mark. She was a very young girl sending him naked photos of her pregnant body. Yup, you heard me…naked pregnancy pictures! I naked pictures of these women were amazing…yuck! Anyway, the pain I am feeling is sometimes too much to bear. I hold my chest wishing the pain would to go away. One of the biggest deceptions was I had discovered emails between his ex girlfriend and him in 2007. They had communicated their “love” for over a year. I was devastated. At first he told me I had no right to tell him who he could and could not talk to. A day later he held me in his arms and apologized for the pain he caused me. He told me would NEVER do it again. That same night he wrote an email to his ex girlfriend (or current girlfriend sense it is all relative) telling her the lies he told me to shut me up and if I were to “somehow” get in contact with her, she should tell me what he told me. They deceived me so that their relationship could continue, and it did for another seven years. I had my husband take a polygraph test to determine if he had slept with any of these women, which he claimed he had not, and he passed. Although this is a relief, the pain of deception, lies, deceit, etc is taking its toll. I lost 19 pounds in three weeks, can barely sleep, and spend every minute of every day asking “why?” My ten years of marriage seems like a lie. I wonder if the man I love will all my heart really existed. I am sorry about your pain and hope there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Like you, I love my husband. He has started individual counseling, and they will bring me in soon, but I can’t imagine that there is a cure for this type of broken heart.

    • I don’t know if there is a cure but there is treatment. It’s a slow, long and sometimes miserable process but I am happy. I honestly feel like I am in the best part of my life right now. Maybe it’s that I am beginning to feel the door close on the affair and our lives have moved forward.
      I know the pain of finding out your husband has carried on emotional affairs is one of the worst pains imaginable. I am glad to read your husband is in therapy–that is a great first step forward.
      There used to be a blog on here by another woman that went through exactly the same thing as you (time-frame and everything). She left her blog and it’s not on here anymore. I can say it was a long process of forgiveness for her but it did get better.
      Try to take care of yourself. Eat small meals when you can. Sleep (if you need an OTC then take it). If you need medication because you are depressed go see a doctor. You are important and taking care of yourself is the most important thing.

      • I feel the same as you all. I found out 3 weeks ago that my husband had an affair. It went on for 6 months. I thought that he was going to see a “guy” friend…but he was really going to see the guy’s sister. I’m in love with my husband, always have and always will be, but this is the worst pain I’ve ever felt. I’ve been cheated on before with other guys, etc..and I thought that hurt. It was nothing compared to the pain I’ve felt these last 3 weeks. I, too, have lost 20lbs in the last 3 weeks, I’ve been forcing myself to eat. I wish the pain would stop, I pray, we are moving on…but it hurts, still.

      • Hi Erica,
        Keep trying to take care of yourself. I recall feeling so hopeless, confused and apathetic but you will want to live again. Try to eat even if it’s small meals. Get some sleep (I had to take some OTC sleeping meds for the first two weeks). I took the meds more so I could not lie awake thinking about everything… And try to find something you do every day for you. For me it may have been a cup of coffee or just talking to a friend that didn’t know what was going on. You can’t constantly dwell in the affair… it will consume you if you let it. Try to take a step back, look at what you want and what you need. You will get there one step at a time.

    • i have a few questions if you dont mind. i have been with my husband for 3 yrs but just got married 1/18/14. i had found out that he was asking a few girls for oral sex and sex over a yr ago on facebook and yet still married him. i also had seen alot of porn on this computer that he used to bring home from work. i asked and he said that he was smoking fake dope at the time and thats why he did it. i havent see that computer since. he never bring nothing home so i cant find out anything. i know his password to his work email but thats it. he doesnt have a face book account anymore so im stuck at home just thinking about what he could be doing and i have no way of finding anything. so is there anyway or anything i can do? please help im so depressed and lost of words.

      • Hi Brooke,
        It sounds like you have no trust in your husband and that’s a really difficult place to begin a marriage. Does your husband know that you know he was asking women for oral sex and sex? How did he react? I am not a psychiatrist/psychologist but it sounds like he has a sex addiction. The profile you describe is pretty accurate: porn, asking women for sex and drugs. You may want to look into going to couples therapy and getting him into a rehab program. He may resist. You also need to decide if you want to continue your marriage. This will be a part of your marriage for the rest of your life. You need to determine now if you can handle this forever. Your worries, insecurities and depression are a normal part of being a betrayed spouse… You deserve honesty and to be able to trust your husband.

  4. I discovered my husband’s affair more than 8 months ago now as several of you did- new ios led to her iMessages showing up on our iPad. Their physical affair consisted of only 3 nights during 2 business trips in 2011. They used to work together, but she moved and now works at different office out of state- the affair happened when they saw each other at business meetings, the last time they were together was June 2011. She went to work for a different company, so they had no chances to see each other again after that. They haven’t been in touch much since early 2012, just exchanging occasional messages/phone calls. They both say it was over after they saw each other the second time, they knew it wasn’t going anywhere and just maintained a long distance “friendship.”

    We’ve been together 19 years, married 16 and have 4 children. My entire life has been built around my husband. He’s my first real love, the first and only man I’ve ever been intimate with. He and our children are everything to me. I’ve trusted him with my heart and my well-being. As I’m sure many of you can relate, I’m devastated beyond comprehension. He’s remorseful and repentant and disgusted with himself. He’s desperate to stay together and do whatever it takes to earn my trust back. We’re in counseling, both together and individually. We have boundaries in place (I now have to escort him in all travel, have total access to his phone, email accounts, etc.)

    Some days, I’m confident we’ll be ok, even stronger because of this. And then like the flip of a switch, I’m back in this desperate, dark place where I feel such an intense disgust and dislike for him, and such a horrible depression, I don’t think I can do this anymore. As I’m typing this, I’m in *that* place.

    I’ll never understand how he could do this. How he could jeopardize the amazing life we have. How could he do something that I’ve always said was a deal breaker- something that could mean our children would grow up in a broken home? How he could do something so intimate with someone he didn’t know very well? How he could set this horrible example for our kids? How he wasn’t even safe about it, risking his health and MINE without me knowing it. ME, the mother of his children, the person that has loved and supported him through all of life’s ups and downs. How could he do this to me?! It’s such a horrible violation. I know I have to work through this for the sake of our children, but my heart is so broken, my pain is so intense and debilitating. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do this.

    Thank you for this blog. I admire the strength of those of you who have worked or are working through this. I hope to someday be an inspiration to others. Right now though, I’m just trying to survive and remember to breath.

    • I have thought, spoken and feared every word you wrote above about “How could he do this…?” I understand your pain and I don’t know that there will ever be an acceptable answer. I spent so many months trying to get my husband’s entire story and understand his motivation, emotions, any and everything I could. In the end, it helped me but it didn’t excuse his behavior. I spent many hours being angry and in pain but I can’t live my life that way. I always say–I hate what he did but I don’t hate him. I’ve got to separate the man from his behavior… not always easy. Sometimes I realize there are many betrayals in the world and infidelity is just one of them.
      I am focused on rebuilding and creating the marriage I want with my husband. If it turns out I cannot accept this down the line then I will have to walk away. But right now, I am happier than I have ever been in life. We are in an amazing place and closer than ever.

  5. I just found out my husband of two and a half years cheated on me. D-day was February 21, 2014 but inside, I knew two days prior. I am studying medicine and when I realised (and self-diagnosed) that I had an STI on the Wednesday, I still wanted to believe that it could not possibly be true. We have/had such a great marriage – this could not be happening to us, to me. It happened two and a half weeks prior whilst he was overseas. He had been back one and a half weeks when I got the first signs of the STI. He even had the nerve to lie to me when I told him what I had, he was almost offended I would even ask. On Friday night I was in a bad way with the STI and he looked like he was going to be sick. I knew, but I needed him to say it to me. Friday night was awful. I cried, he cried. I didn’t leave, I didn’t make him leave, I didn’t know what to do – I still don’t. The movies and TV shows make us believe you have a big screaming match and you walk out and never look back. But I love him. I have had seven of the happiest years because of this man. One night of pleasure/an epic fuck-up does not erase everything you had. What it does do is leave you feeling betrayed, devastated, angry, confused, scattered, heartbroken, embarrassed, protective of them, made a fool of, lonely, brave, disgusted, numb, physiologically sick and tired. One of the hardest things to do is to know if I should tell anyone. What if we fix this and all my friends and my family hate him? What if people tell me I should leave him? What if people think less of our marriage (which has been one of those ones people say is what they aspire towards)? I will tell my GP this week when I see her, I will tell a counsellor, but do I tell the people who love me, him and our marriage? I am only 10 days in, I have no idea how long or how hard this will be but I know that for now I am a wife that has been cheated on but wants to heal my marriage.

    • Hi,
      I hope you are doing better with each day. The movies and tv shows don’t even come close to reality, right? Mostly because they don’t really show the aftermath or what it really, truly feels like to be betrayed by the person you trust most in the world. You will get through this… it will be the most difficult thing you’ve ever done–no matter what you choose or what happens. But you will survive and someday realize how much stronger you are.
      Only you can determine if you should tell your friends and family. I was very selective and only told a few people because I wanted to make my own decisions without people asking how I was doing, making jdugements or giving advice/opinions. I don’t regret that decision because this is a private and personal matter. My therapist supported that decision and often says–this is between you and your husband. That said, having support and someone to talk to and a shoulder to cry on is also important. You’ll have days you just want to crawl under a rock and it’s nice to have someone there to hold your hand. You’ll be surprised how people react… people that are friends of your marriage will support you in ways you never expected.
      Take care of yourself.

    • I am so sorry for you. I know how hard it is to know someone you love cheated on you. It has been 14 months and I am still hurting. I am getting better than I used to be, but still feel depressed. I hope your healing process won’t be as long as mine. Good luck!

    • Wow I like the way you described the feeling you get after discovering an affair. I discovered my husband’s affair about three weeks ago but guess what I’d met the AP twice before that and talked to her on my husband’s phone after seeing numerous missed calls from her number.
      Initially when a friend told me that the reason why my husband had spent two night’s away from home with no excuse whatsoever was because he was with a girl who stays a stone’s throw away from her house I was really distraught. All the signs were there, he’d go for long hours without his usual friends, he’d come home with a new scent and would lie he’d borrowed a friend’s deodorant. He’d practically empty out a whole can of spray before leaving the house the moment I walked in from work. He never picked me up from work anymore and couldn’t wait for me to get back so he could dump the kids on me and rush out.
      The AP knew very well that he was married but went on to have the affair. My husband continued the affair even after I confronted both of them and he swore he’d ended things with the woman. She’s divorced with two kids and I have every reason to believe she lured him to continue with the affair.
      My husband and I no longer talk. He can’t even be in a room alone with me but we share the same bed. I don’t know if its out of guilt or he plain doesn’t love me anymore. I guess finding out that they kept seeing each other for three weeks after D-day killed me even more than the affair itself. I don’t know what to do anymore but pray for GOD to show me the way.

      • Have you asked your husband what he wants? I asked my husband point blank: Did you do this to end our marriage? He was shocked because that thought had never occurred to him. But I needed to know what he wanted me or another woman? The thing is your husband may want to be with you but he may also be addicted to the high of the other woman’s affections too. Many men say when the affair is over they miss their AP–but it’s not the AP they miss, it’s the constant attention and adoration. There is so much false effort in an affair because the relationship is not based in reality. There is not toilet cleaning, laundry or packing lunches for the kids with an affair partner. It’s all lusty texts/emails and sex. It’s not real life.
        I hope your husband will go to therapy with you. Regardless of what he wants you need to talk and figure out how you ended up here.
        Take care of yourself. If you don’t want him in your bed, then tell him to leave. If you do want him in your bed tell him why. The one benefit of the aftermath of D-Day is that I felt I had nothing to lose. I could tell my husband anything because everything had blown up in my face already. Sometimes it’s just having the courage to say what you need to say.

      • Its been seven months since D Day. My husband continued his affair for another two months. Close friends told me they were on and off and but I recall a particular morning about four months back when the OW called and my husband ignored. She had the guts to call back several times around 7 am on that Saturday morning when she knew perfectly well that I was in bed with my husband. He seemed quite annoyed when she wouldn’t give up calling that he screamed into the phone that he was still in bed and didn’t want to be disturbed. I was dumbstruck ” Was it really over?” . I heard from her neighbors that her uncle had passed away and she needed to leave the country to go home and take care of her kids. I was so relieved.
        Things seemed to get back to normal. My husband and I got on the path of healing. He spends more time at home now and tries to make up for what happened. The sad thing is I’m finding it hard to get past the affair. I get plagued with memories of all the lies and deception. Everyday I come across something that triggers my memory to the days of the affair and my wounds seem to bleed all over again. It doesn’t help that he still has a password on his phone. I worry that they still communicate but he tries to reassure me that its really over. I’ve asked him to remove it but he won’t budge. I’m so scared I’ll get hurt all over again.

  6. I just want to clear something, recently my husband move out of the house, then I found something on the computer that I thought he’s sending to someone else, i confronted him but he said that it’s nothing. But I still got suspicious, so I accidentally saw this woman in social network and i felt like she’s the one my husband is having an affair with. So I confront and ask my husband, but he denied. Then all of a sudden the girl, blocked me on the social network, apparently my husband told her about my suspicion. Why do you think he would tell her if it’s not true? or why would the woman blocked me if it’s not true? I need an answer, am I being realistic on my intuition or it’s just a mind trick that I am having?

    • I would definitely find this suspicious. As my husband’s relationship progressed with his AP I expressed a greater dislike for her. Because I disliked her and he “trusted” her as a friend soooo much… he pushed me away from that friendship in his life. He trusted his instincts more–that she was a good person, needed his help, had some struggles. He built a wall up between us so that he could allow his AP into his life. It’s screwed up.
      I wouldn’t trust her if she’s blocking you on social media. Trust your instincts.

  7. Hi,

    I am still suffering much from marriage infidelity. It has been 14 months since I found out my wife’s affair, which lasted only less than a month because I discovered their text messages not long after they had sex (twice according to my wife). Frankly, I can see the improvement from myself. I am better than I was in 2013. I got into depression and had to see a psychiatric doctor and psychologist. I lost my job because I couldn’t concentrate on my work and I couldn’t (didn’t want to, either) tell my colleagues and boss of this shameful affair. My wife’s mom finally learned about it, and, being a ‘good’ Christian mom, told her to seek help from a counselor, but behind my back instilled in her head that divorce is a way out (perhaps her mom knew she will experience a lot of pains during the healing process and she did not want her to suffer through the process. I am just guessing here). Her mom dislikes me from the beginning (since we were dating) because she is afraid her daughter will one day move to other country (I am not from USA). Now I holds two big resentments and don’t know how to get out of them.

    First, I can’t forgive that scumbag. I simply can’t live with peace when I feel that justice has NOT been served yet! Why are my wife and I suffering from what we are going through and that scumbag simply walked away without any harm. He enjoyed his two nights and most likely is bragging to his friends about F@#king other people’s wife.

    Second, I am mad at my mother-in-law. I have been so amicable to her mom. In the past five years, I have twice driven to her house (11 hours trip one way) to wish her happy birthday, attended almost every family gatherings as she asked, and taken her to many restaurants and made her favorite expresso/latte in the mornings when she comes to visit us. I have been trying so hard, hoping she will change her mind about me. And all I know is that during these years she has been consistently bad-mouthing me (my wife told me). I am sure she had contributed to my wife’s infidelity. My wife made a terrible choice, and her mom’s bad-mouthing me during the years definitely contributed to that final bad decision.

    I don’t know how to get out of this hatred. I am still feeling depressed and thinking about the affair everyday, although it is also true that I am not vexed by it every single minute like when I just found out about it. But this hatred is still eating up my life… and I also hate to see my wife feeling frustrated when she sees me acting dysfunctional.

    How can I live in peace with the past when justice has NOT been served? Where is that scumbag’s punishment?! Is it even possible for me to get over the hurt and resentments?


    – Luke

    • Hi Luke,
      I go through phases of feeling resentful against Bat Shit. At this point I don’t really care about her much. I feel like she will get what she has coming. I don’t feel the need to forgive her because we do not have a relationship. I don’t need to like her but I don’t need to spend my energy hating her. As I type that I realize I do hate her though. There are many times I wish I could make sure Bat Shit was paid back for all the pain she brought to our marriage. But maybe the better vengence is to prove she cannot destroy our marriage/love/future. She is so minimal in the grand scheme of our lives that I have almost become numb to any thoughts of her.
      I think letting go of the hatred is one of the most difficult things. Especially, if you are like us and you realize that the affair partner was manipulative and has no remorse.
      I don’t know what to say about your mother-in-law because she is your wife’s mother. It’s one of those relationships that you cannot change… I would continue to be honest with your wife but hope that you can move towards forgiveness and a better place with her mother. Maybe someone else can offer some advice to you too.

    • I have trouble with this too. I try to remember that 98% of this feeling is me trying not to hate my husband. I try to reverse my thinking. What I hate about her is HIS gullibility, and her opportunistic actions. He did the betraying, she was a guilty accomplice.The hatred of the AP remains in me, I think, as my protection that is needed until my spouse really understands what the two of them did. This is beginning to happen.He started to hate her but I knew that was not the reaction I wanted. Too emotional. I want him to see both of their roles in an honest light. A person having an affair with a married person is simply not nice. And just plain stupid. Surely their having to live with that knowledge everyday is punishment enough.and they will eventually realise that they have failed to find happiness, no matter how arrogant they are. They will, by default, suffer for being such a fool. My fear is the aggrandising of the affair that makes them both so faulty. When he sees that, I won’t feel threatened, but for now, the hatred I have for her lets the shock of the betrayal enter in increments. The full blast would kill me. I regret having let anyone know about this affair, as their dislike of him makes me lose ground. But it would have killed me to try this on my own. And my teenage children needed to know why the very texture of the air was so odd for the last ten years. It had nothing to do with them, and people sometimes have to deal with really painful things.
      So every bad thing my nearest and dearest have to say has to be taken on board and rationaly processed. We have all been traumatised. As for the other woman? She is a stupid delusional jerk ( as was my husband) and has to live with the time she wasted, the fool she made of herself. I did nothing but trust him, and her as a work colleague . Notice how I made an effort to control my language!…..but I don’t always. I broke up half the house and nearly had a stroke….my husband is hard to get through to. He “didn’t know what all the fuss was about” as he never said he loved her, they had “only” sex to help her get over the trauma of having been raped before they hooked up,( she got over that and then demanded he leave me) — and him the embarrassment of needing Viagra after a prostate operation. He loves me(!) some bizarre form of love.
      Some days I forgive them both and feel on top of the world. Some days I want to bury them both like the Mattie Groves folk song.
      I think forgiveness is the symptom of having finally understood the situation. Not a word, not a magic wand.That is why they say you have to forgive both of them. It means you have to work towards understanding both of them. Nasty work, especially if you love your spouse, but even if you decide, ok, I understand but I won’t step in front of that bus again……
      Life is not fair. Good people get hurt. No one deserves anything, everyone deserves everything. Life just is.
      We can deal with it. By God, it hurts. Especially on the days I forget the good side of his personality or feel threatened by the fact she still or ever has worked with his firm. He set her up really well. She wanted it all. What really hurts is that I love such a fool.

      • You are never a fool to be a part of God’s redemptive work in your spouse if they have repented and desire to correct and live it honorably the rest of their life.

        God will honor you and bless you twice fold. Read Job 42:10

      • Everything you feel I do as well! thanks for making me realize that I am actually human. Im not handling it differently than any other wife who has been cheated on.

    • Luke, being a foreigner of sorts I get what your angle is. I feel for you. But if I can help with a small way of my words, I hope I can. But first you must have an open mind to the concepts I am going to offer.

      Most of what I am going to say is directly based on what God says in His word to us. But I am no religious nut or Bible thumping preacher, I am just a man, who like others here are going thru this or have gone thru it.

      Precept 1 – This life is not about us, its about accepting who we are in a world that’s falling around us. If there is a God then He is. Period. Yep, He alone is perfect, He alone allows everything to occur and He alone knew about your life and its path long before the earth was formed. I don’t want to force a church school lesson on you but in order for you to see the bigger picture, you have to know the measure in which you are measuring by.

      We are not perfect. Perfection is either perfect or not…there is no virtually clean here (sorry Cascade). Who wants a judge to judge us that is guilty of something himself? How is that fair? Who wants build a house that the tape measure you measure with comes up with a different measurement every time you use it. It HAS to be absolute. One can not pick and chose what part of God they want to use. I know I did and the house I built crumbled!

      If you choose not to believe in God and His perfection then, your ability to forgive, get past this infidelity and have a happy marriage is much harder than you think it will EVER be. In other words, you are more likely to climb Everest than staying happily married for 60+ years.

      As long as you sit on the throne of your life’s kingdom you will NEVER let that cheating partner’s offense go. After all, the cheating spouse offended the one on the throne! You have to make the offender pay! You have to save face. This world teaches you from birth you deserve the best of everything. You are worthy of life’s happiness and riches. How dare they get away with what they did!!!

      This kind of philosophy/theology is nothing more than pride. As the Russian dissident and author Alexander Solzhenitsyn said “Pride grows in the human heart like lard on a pig.” It takes no outside circumstances or influences to fuel pride. It comes naturally to humans.

      Luke, in order to move on, get past this, survive, live a life with meaning, hope and love, you have to accept the fundamental truth that God alone is perfect. He alone is the judge. When giving God our hurts, pains and fears we give up the right to punish the cheating spouse. After all who can really judge the other except the one that is perfect already?

      I can not overstate this enough…Forgiveness is THE SINGLE MOST important act we can do for others. If you do not forgive, then bitterness will settle in your heart and will keep you in bondage.

      “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
      ― Lewis B. Smedes

      • Good afternoon. I really liked what you wrote.A year ago this month my husband started an affair. This time last year was a start of a.down hill spiral for me emotionally. That’s when he’s lies began,and being mean . verbally began. No matter what I said/begged/and pleaded he.continued.this emotional affair until I found was.physical.when.i walked in on them in my bed&room.i thought this affair would end quickly as promised. A year later the other woman husband are talking/seeing eachother. He to forget and.act do I forget and act normal.when.he hasn’t even cut her out of his life. He says.once I change back to who mi was when we first met than he will change. Keep in mind we have 2 Lil boys now,family responsibility&now a new baby one the way due in May..I get angry and upset when he says that . especially when he says forget it and not talk He still does continues to be unfaithful so how am I suppose to forget. This entire year has taken a person who.had great self esteem and was on top . of the world with a job to someone who now has low self esteem,lost my job over this mess and tries to control everything from asking ?s,asking where.r.u all the.time, trying to track.his work schedule and check.emails/texts and phone. After this past Saturday seeing those two together again reminded me no matter how hard I try he wants to put her above me. No matter what I do and say I am back to square one. I am a Christian. I have been praying for God to renew my.marriage.This weekend I realized that I need to let go of what. I’ve been so deeply to control so I can heal. And that.heal means . to . completely figure my husband. And let God deal with.him. it’s hard cause he’s being so selfish which in return I want to to be selfish too. God has shown me to love my husband has HE loves him. It’s not easy,I need to pray harder,work even harder to renew my mind. I liked what you blogged and your quote.

      • I read your opinion. I say to you, how many times do i have to forgive. Its a chain reaction. He does it, (cheats, lies,) because he wants to, its a men thing.

      • I think you need to trust your instincts. I don’t think forgiveness is easily given. It took me months to forgive my husband but I think if he continued to lie and cheat then I wouldn’t have forgiven him. I still question if I’ve completely forgiven him because the pain was so deep. Take care of yourself first.

      • Maria, this will not let me reply to your message but I hope you find it.

        Like love, forgiveness is a choice of will, not a feeling!

        But let me back up….
        First the cheating spouse must see what they have done wrong and repent. Not just say I am sorry. What they have done is like a 12 year-old’s selfish action, regardless of the circumstances or “reasons” or “excuses” or whatever state the marriage was in. They CHOSE to go find someone or they let someone to seduce them. They did not have a gun pointed to them and tell them to unzip their pants.

        Hence a little middle school accountability is in order. the cheating spouse MUST:

        1 – OWN up to their actions. We are all responsible for our own actions, good or bad.

        2 – Sincere apology that effects the very core of who they are

        3 – Repent in every way. This means, complete and total turnaround of ones life.

        4 – Cut all ties with AP FOREVER. If they have to, move, change jobs, change hobbies….whatever it is that puts them in contact with the AP – remove it from their life. No exceptions!

        5 – Take EVERY act of anger and hurt the offended spouse throws at them and with each emotional bombshell, they repeatedly say “I am sorry. I love you”. Yes at some point the hurt can become bitterness, Yes at some point, it is quite ugly and yes at some point what the offended spouse is doing is not honorable either…..but the cheater says it anyway. ALWAYS!

        6 – Be accountable. This means the cheater gives up all rights to privacy and gets treated like a middle schooler til trust is rebuilt. Get over it. What they did was 12 year-old stupid act. Guess what? They will get that same kind of trust back for quite awhile. NONE. Just for the record, it will be years, not weeks or months. Trust is rebuilt one act at a time. They should be given no room to have free time. Every minute, every call, every ride in the car, every run, every walk should be accountable and preferably with someone else who can and will report to the offended spouse if ANYTHING seems inappropriate.

        7 – Be Transparent. This means the cheating spouse should have nothing left to hide. Every statement, every action, every move should be honorable. The slightest lie about ANYTHING does nothing to build trust, even if its about cleaning the bathroom or lifting the toilet seat lid.

        8 – Coming clean. The offended spouse will have thousands of questions. They will have obsessive desire to know everything. This is tricky ground. Because what the cheating spouse doesn’t say could be construed as a lie. While the offended spouse may want to know the dirty sex details. Don’t tell them. All it does is put a mental picture (where it may or may not be entirely accurate) into their heads which will never and I do mean NEVER be erased. They need to be honest Instead tell them about how many times there was sex, who it was with and why. they need to see there is great freedom in not having to lie, cover up or There are excuses and reasons. None of which are justified but still when they decided to cheat, in their head they felt justified for some reason. The betrayed one has a right to know why. Granted sometimes the cheating spouse may not know entirely themselves. In which case therapy is all the more needed.

        9 – Therapy – The cheating spouse needs therapy to get to the root cause of what is missing in their life to do what they did. Nope, what the betrayed spouse did not do for them is not the answer. The betrayed spouse needs therapy in how to deal with the grief and loss. They both need therapy together to find a common thread in how not to repeat and how to build a new life together cause the old one is trashed.

        Personally if you read my previous posts here, you will find a spiritual element to all of this. I will not repeat it here.

        Now back to you Maria….if there is no repentance, then reconciliation is not possible. You can forgive him. But until he changes his life completely and totally, you will not find reconciliation even on the radar. He has to follow the steps I outlined above.

        But the overall thing to all of which I typed is this——-
        Both spouses must come to terms of what has happened. And both spouses must decide for themselves, what is more important, their life as a single person or their marriage.

        -If the cheating spouse makes the decision to save his marriage at all costs, then this means their own needs, wants and pride has to take a back seat. Whatever it takes to ensure the spouse does not have triggers, the spouses feelings are accounted for first. Yes this is going to hurt in every way possible. It may mean they have to change jobs, move across town or out of state…but what is more important the job or your spouse? Trust me when I say this. THERE IS NOTHING worse than living with a spouse whom is going thru pain that you caused. If one truly loves the spouse then they will do what it takes to try and put their heart back together.

        -The betrayed spouse has to push thru what is humanly impossible to do and that is when the crying stops (this will take months), make the choice to forgive. If they do not, bitterness and contempt will set up home in their heart. Biting them over and over again. keep in mind this….forgiveness first entails we ourselves are flawed as well. I know a lot of people will say “I was the perfect wife, he was the sick perverted monster…..”

        While each sin/act has a different consequence, God’s word says multiple times, there are none that is good, Not even one. We have to admit to ourselves that we are human, flawed and need God’s love and forgiveness for all that we do. And when we do, we see that God is now the judge, the justifier. He carries our burdens. He is the one who runs the show anyways. It is really quite futile to think we have the power to change the other person. Because they have the choice to cheat or be repentant.

        It is easier to grant forgiveness when we recognize that we have been forgiven of much. Forgiveness does not change what they did, it simply says “I refuse the allow the pain of the past to impact my today and limit my hope for the future”

        God bless….I will pray for you and your husband

      • I am really hurt, of course, with the infidelity of my husband. I am more afraid of all the things he’s told me about swearing on the Bible, his parents graves, grandchilden. he was guilty I denied even the church

  8. Wow, its not often that you see a post where the husband is the one being cheated on, and I guess that most of us, as women would have some difficulty encouraging you. But cheating is cheating no matter who does it, and it is painful, hurtful, agonizing, and self-destructive. Most of us will tell you that time is the master of all things and you will get better. In terms of advice, I only have this to say, and this has been my experience, I found out after my husbands affair that I do not forgive easily, it has been 13 years now and I still do not love him, I do everything to and for him but it is without love. That is very strange especially for people who write that they still love the unfaithful partner, but I discovered that the pain can never go away unless you forgive the person, I thought I had forgiven my husband, said it, prayed it, but I still hadn’t and it was a shocker for me, my pastor looked at me and said Judy, you have not forgiven your husband, he said, forgiveness requires action, so I was to go home ask him to forgive me for my unforgiveness, and determine to help him overcome. I thought he was the craziest person ever, but I did it, and believe me, when I did what he told me, all my anger (and its a lot) just seemed to evaporate, I could smile again, laugh again, talk to my husband without rancour and actually feel for the very first time that maybe we really can make it. I hope this helps you, the pain is like cancer, and it eats away at you, so try it, for your own healing and forget your mother-in-law, leave her to her own bitterness, her daughter is your wife, that takes all precedence. Ignore her and she should fall into her place. Every blessing.

    • Judy, you hit the nail on the head and drove it thru the board! I am the offender, I am the cheater, I am the liar….I am _____(insert your adjective for jerk here). But God slammed me to the floor with my sin and I have been doing my absolute best to make it up to her. I know I never will, but I try anyway. it has been over 2 years and still she has not forgiven me nor is she in love with me. But my life’s mission is not to win her back but to bring God glory in all I do, even if…even if it means her heart will never be mine again. Even if she never looks into my eyes and fills me honor and respect again. Even if she questions my every whereabouts and my cell phone calls and texts. Even if she hurls all her anger and hurt at me every 2-3 days. Even if she tells me she only stays because of the kids…Even if….the list goes on and on…..For you see, once I say, I deserve more than this….I am now selfish as well all over again.

      Life is not what I have done, its what I am DOING. If was to live my life on basis of the wrongs in my past, I will still be trying to punish Geoff for beating and humiliating me in primary school. Or trying to find that bastard who cut me off and made me wreck my car a few years ago.

      To say the road back is hard… like my understanding of her hurt, one has no idea until they are there.

      But 1Cor 13…the famous chapter on love, mentions nothing on adultery, it gives no exceptions, no conditions, no if’s, and’s or but’s. In fact it explicitly states “ALL THINGS…”

      “…Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears ALL things, believes ALL things, hopes ALL things, endures ALL things.”

      Granted, I am no authority on moral judgement by human standards. Truth be known there is none that has walked this earth that is not guilty of the above. But I live on the grace of a perfect God.

      Forgiveness is THE act of love. It has been said “You are never more like God than when you forgive”

      Judy, I admire you and honor you for your wisdom of what forgiveness can do.

      • I have finally realised that my husbands affair was about him and not me. I took it so personally. Sounds rediculous yet now I see he did not do it to punish me. I have forgiven him in words and finally my soul has too. A physiologist is a wonderful tool to help guide you through this time.

      • Erin, Thank you for your posts. I needed to hear just that. I too am a believer in Forgiveness. I’ve talked to my husband about this and now he can read your post. I couldn’t explain my situation as well as you did. It is right on. Thank you

  9. These stories are so sad. I discovered my husband was unfaithful when he asked me to look for a bill in his email account 7 years ago. He had been carrying on dialogues with several different people, one of whom made reference to having met in person. He denied everything and said it was a “joke” – he and a friend had been replying to personal ads for fun to “mess with people.” Either a lie or very immature, or both, obviously. We somehow worked through it, went to counseling, he got help for depression, and things improved. A few years later, same thing – concerns over emails, but not enough evidence to prove “something” had actually happened. Never enough evidence, and I consider myself a fair person, and didn’t push it since I didn’t have enough proof. I would ask about it though, which caused a big argument each time, so I backed off. Fast forward a few more years. Occasional mysterious texts or phone call history, but never enough to really make a federal case out of. And, odd periods of needing extra gas money, or some other emergency cash need. (More than what I’d consider normal in our budget.)

    Now finally it has happened again, but with more explicit and incriminating evidence in the messages. Again, he denies it – could it have been a scam, or maybe his phone was hacked? To give the benefit of the doubt (I wanted so desperately for it NOT to be true), I checked with our provider’s tech support. Apparently these sorts of scams do still happen, but generally to someone who has responded to a bogus personal ad or in some way put their number out there on an adult site. Unless someone physically got into his phone and captured his personal information, or hacked our phone account, which they said was unlikely. The short version of all of this: yep, he did it, more than once, sometimes coinciding with a recent romantic getaway we took, or a significant date like our anniversary. And he still denies it. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I am talking about serial cheaters, not situational issues where an indiscretion occurs and gets out of hand. I do believe good people make mistakes and can spend the rest of their lives behaving and trying to make up for it. In this case, I will never know if he just enjoyed having his cake and eating it too, and enjoying not being caught, or if this was related to a deep rooted depression issue. I believe he loves me and our family and doesn’t know how to end the addiction (and I do believe he is addicted after some of the things I read.)

    I could at least rationalize an affair begun out of loneliness or problems, not that I agree with any cheating. However, like many of the other posts, we had what I would describe as a great relationship, he is my best friend and we had a generally happy marriage when he was taking care of himself, but punctuated by bouts of depression, which he never quite got under control – he lets his medication lapse, drinks and smokes a lot, then goes back on his medication, has side effects, repeat cycle. Each time we tried counseling, we got to a certain point where the therapist recommended he get these things under control before we could work on our marriage. I believe he has time periods of forgetfulness, so perhaps he really believes he didn’t cheat. It is an odd situation for sure, but the bottom line is, I can’t be his personal therapist at my own expense any longer. It finally hurts too much to continue the marriage, but it breaks my heart for him too. I do hope he gets help and becomes a stronger, healthier dad, and a happier person.

    Lesson learned, pay attention to the warning signs and check them out. All marriages are different, some folks keep separate accounts and think nothing of it. We have always had open access to each other’s information, which made it seems suspicious when at one point he started deleting text messages and his email history. If something happens that seems out of the ordinary or questionable for YOUR situation, you owe it to yourself to check it out, no matter how unlikely it seems, and then to do something about it. Nobody should risk their own health and emotional well being for another person. A marriage without honor is just devastating.

    By the way, any time I considered ending the marriage in the past, I was very concerned about what was best for the kids. Ironically, my youngest (who is now 10) is angry at his dad, understands why the marriage has to end, but still loves him and is not mad at me for making that call. I didn’t expect that kind of maturity. (Incidentally, we didn’t intend to tell him – he unfortunately overheard a conversation. It is hard to hide things from smart kids.) Even worse than going through a separation would be to have this amazing kid grow up thinking cheating is acceptable husbandly behavior because his dad did it and his mom condoned it. It would break my heart if he did that to his own wife one day, so the boundary must be set now. It is a hard, ugly situation no matter how you slice it, but I know wading through the hurt and anger with a level head and logical mind are imperative to keeping my family strong, and I hope I am able to do so.

    • You know, I actually believe the statement: “once a cheater, always a cheater.” I don’t believe it because it’s negative or labels someone with their lowest lows. I believe that cheating is similar to alcoholism or any other addiction. Once you cross the line–there’s will always be that element to the person. There is a need that is fulfilled during an affair. A need for attention, adoration, excitement. Something difficult to get from a spouse because all those emotions are expected from your spouse. When it comes from someone else… it feeds a different ego. None of this makes it right though. A marriage without trust and honesty is broken. Is your husband willing to go to therapy with you? it doesn’t help that he grew up in a family that condoned infidelity but he can get help and get better if he puts in the work. The question I guess for you would be is this what you want?

  10. wifeinpain

    I understand all the ladies blogs that I have read. The pain, hurt the tears the everyday constant reminder of the love of your life cheating on you.
    Well my story is the same as any of you ladies I found out about the girl she was a cook at my husbands job, so they saw each other everyday. Now he would always come up with places he needed to go for different reasons, like I want to go walk around Walmart, going over guys houses that I never heard of before when I later to find out they were made up names.
    So to may my story short and to the point he cheated with this girl that’s what I call her because she is 28 and he is 47. She got my phone number and use to call me and say things like I need to let him go so he can be with her, and that he wants he and don’t want me any more. My reply to that was first of all I am not by no means holding a man that don’t want me after 26 years of marriage. and second if he wanted to be with her then he would move out after I asked him too when I first found out, (which he didn’t and told me he was not going anywhere).
    Okay I thought this mess was over after I found out and he decided to stop so I thought this mess was over and later to find out she thinks pregnant by him and I don’t know how to handle this, simply because I told him this girl has a agenda where you are concerned and he didn’t believe me. So now we are waiting to see if the child is his and if it is I just don’t know where I marriage is going to be. We said we would work threw this together, but she (girl) wants my husband and not going to stop her mess.
    Yes, I do understand that if the child is my husbands that he is going to do what needs to be done which is take of the child because that’s the type of man he is that’s why I love him. But this is really taken a toll on me I am paranoid when he goes to the store, when his phone rings, and that no way to live so I just don’t know what the future holds for us as a couple.
    Could anyone help or give some ideas or suggestions for me, I am hurt, weak, sick and in love with my friend, my husband.


  11. I just found out April 2, 2014 after 15 years together & 2 amazing boys. I am speechless as I read your story, as I could have wrote this… the similarities are almost frightening. I would love to hear where you are today…

    • This past week was 19 months post D-Day. I just wrote to another person that I am beginning to feel “normal” again. I am not focused on the affair or his AP any longer. I trust my husband as much as I can. We don’t spend much time talking about the affair anymore because we don’t need to. I did ask my husband to go to therapy on his own this year and he’s doing that which is good. I haven’t felt the need to go to therapy for the past five months.
      It takes time to get through the muck. But it’s an opportunity to rebuild and build the marriage you want. Ask questions, communicate your needs, share your fears, hopes, dreams, insecurities. Take care of yourself. Allow your boys to be a distraction when you can’t think about the affair any longer.

  12. I find myself sitting here tonight thinking that it is coming close to a year when my life was turned upside down. I am still with my husband and don’t find myself feeling sad often. Very rarely actually. We have been happier than ever. My year has changed so much. Both of us have new jobs and life has moved on for the better. I still hate what he did and sometimes struggle to understand how something so awful made us so much better and still wonder why it had to come to that. But we now put so much more time into us. I’m definitely not the same person but most days I see myself as a better person. I still hate her and always will. I hope karma comes and gives her all the pain she caused me. But the best karma of all is that WE have survived. I know I can’t erase the past. What’s done is done. My biggest hope is that I never have to hurt that way again. For now I’m just continuing to try to rebuild the trust

    • You made it through the past year and that is huge. And you sound hopeful. I felt the same way at a year. There was so much good that came out of discovering the affair–but all of it born of such pain. I think around the one year mark I realized how much had changed but also how much pain I still felt. It gets better. The last few months have been huge for me. In fact, things feel almost “normal” again. Sometimes that worries me but sometimes it also makes me feel good. It’s hard to live your life with a mask on… I hope you keep moving forward. Keep rebuilding the trust.

  13. Three weeks ago, on April 4, two days after my ninth wedding anniversary I confirmed that my husband has been having an affair. At the time of the discovery I broke into our cellphone account which he limited my access to a few years ago because for a while many things were not adding up, but on my anniversary when my husband did what he did at least 4 nights per week (shower and put on gym clothes) and told me he would be back , it really hurt me. Two days later I found that in one week my husband had shared 810 text messages between him and this person in ONE WEEK, 3250 text messages between them in ONE MONTH.
    I started looking at significant dates because I had confronted him about his weekend trips with his older buddy from work, which occurred on his birthday weekend, valentine’s day weekend , etc. which he assured me I was just reading too much into these “random coincidence” dates. I called the number , introduced myself by just my first name, and the woman on the other line did not question who I was, all she responded was that she could not have this discussion now, I nicely thanked her for her time and hung up. She boldly called me back an hour later wanting to know why I was not addressing this with my husband which I told her I did and he advised me she was “nobody” boy was she pissed.
    I confronted him, this is the man I have loved for the last 13 years and shared two sons with (youngest 9 months old) and here was a woman pretty much confirming that she was his woman. She boldly called me the following day and advised me that they were together for 3 years, he had a key to her home and that any weekend he was “out of town” he was actually in a neighboring town at her home and they made love every night he came over which was 4 times per week. My husband had betrayed me and all I wanted to do was scream. I have never felt any pain like this, I felt as though my heart had been ripped from my chest and thrown on the ground and I was sitting there watching as it shattered into a million tiny pieces. why? how could he? he had told me he didn’t feel comfortable with his body and that’s why we weren’t having sex that often, that he had no sex drive (at 31 years old at the time when this affair started).
    I am grateful for this blog, because until I read your story to him today, he couldn’t understand why after three weeks it seemed that I was still bitter. He shared many personal details about me with her, even the last time we had sex, she made notes of the dates. she admitted to googling me and also stalking me on facebook for the last two years. She even told me he went down on her about three times , she gave me real graphic details but would not disclose where they met or her name because she “wanted to be kept out if this” what? how? was she kidding? turns out they met at work and she recently changed jobs. He wont disclose any details about her, he wants to work on our marriage, he says he loves me , I believe him, but im confused as to why he felt it ok to disclose my name and other personal details to her but refuses to disclose her name. After reading your blog to him he agreed to only disclose her first name. I am hurting still, she tells me as real as my marriage is her relationship was just as real and he told her we lived together but we were not together and she believed she would have been his wife.
    I don’t know how to move forward with this pain I am feeling but I do know I love him and want to work it out. The timeframe is what hurts the most. thanks for sharing, your story has given me courage and I hope that he will start opening up so we can start healing.

    • I can relate to your story so well. I can hear your pain in your writing… just the way you describe the details takes me right back. I know the timeframe bothered me too about my husband. My husband’s affair was a full year and I can’t understand how he kept the charade up for so long except for that he was desperate. He wanted attention, he wanted to feel needed, he wanted to feel desired and he wanted to be her hero. I hope you your husband will begin opening up and telling you the details you need. That was one thing I am glad my husband offered me was complete honesty. It’s hard to move foward when you have constant doubts and questions building in the back of your head. Sometimes it’s hard to hear the details and sometimes it was hard for my husband to watch me sob after he answered my questions. But we had to go through that process to rebuild the trust and to get me through those lingering doubts.
      I hope your husband will agree to go to therapy. I hope he’s agreed to try not to see her all. If they still work together I know that can be difficult but you’ll have to agree to whatever terms you can to be able to get through your day and try to trust again. Trusting is the hardest part. I don’t think I will ever 100% trust my husband again because of he did cheat.
      Take care of yourself. Let your sons distract you when you need to get your mind off of the affair. Take care. Xoxo

  14. I found out October 8th 2012,that my husband cheated on me. I thought things were strange before that because he left all day one day( he works from home and I am a stay at home mom to two boys) and told me he was just going to get a stapler. Also, he started locking his phone. That night he was in the shower and I went to his phone and saw that it was unlocked. I went on his Facebook page and saw messages from an unfamiliar person. I read some of the messages mostly sexual and him saying he couldn’t stop thinking of her. I remember just sitting there in utter shock. My body started shaking. I dropped the phone and went to the bathroom to confront him. He said yes. He met someone the week before when he told me he was going out with old coworkers and that they ended up back at her place. He told me that they did decide to meet two more times after that and he regretted it. I was devasted. Never believed he would ever cheat on me or lie to me. I remember the night that he went out. My friend called me that night and asked me if my husband could come over because her husband was out of town because she blew a fuse in her house. I told her he was out but that I would text him. He said that he went to one bar then stopped at my friends on the way back and then went to this other bar where this girl was there and went home with her after that. Of course, I asked for all the details but his story really never added up. She was married and had kids but didn’t want to tell me where they were. I should have known than that there was more to the story and this was just the beginning of so many lies. So I go on, I kept everything to myself. Didn’t tell any of my friends even though I cried every night in my bed. He said he was sorry. He deleted her Facebook page and life went on. I found out that the name that was on Facebook wasn’t her name. It was a fake Facebook account and he wouldn’t tell me who she was. I feel so stupid that I didn’t kick him out then but I was extremely confused because he was telling me was sorry and this the loves me. Months go on, we buy a new house, we are settled in and he asks me i want to know who it was. And I say yes of course. He tells me it was my friend. The one that he helped that night when her husband was out of town. I was devasted. We have spent holidays with, gone on vacations, birthday parties, etc. He told me the whole story was a lie. That the weekend before that she started flirting with him when we were at their house one night. I noticed she was drunk but never thought anything of it. So she started messaging him on Facebook after that and told him how fun she had with him and that they should hangout. Her husband was out of town send since it was a school night they decide that maybe that they should not tell anyone even though they both felt it was completely innocent. We’ll they got drunk and had sex and made up the whole story and she called me in case a neighbor saw his car in her driveway.
    So I freaked out. She is size 0 bulimic. I couldn’t eat, sleep. I felt not good enough. My husband decided to confess because her husband started getting suspicious and started threatening him.
    I then in April, I started getting messages from her husband saying things were still going on and that he got a private husband who I realize now is extremely good liar told me that that wasn’t true and I better not tell him what I know because he will sue. Of course, I think of my family and don’t say anything and told him to leave me alone.

    So may 9th, I go on my sons field trip leaving my younger son with my husband. I get home and my neighbor mentions how cute it was that my husband had a play date for my younger son. I said he did and she then said oh maybe she was wrong. So I ask my husband and he says no.

    Then June 16th. Is when my world finally collapsed. I went on the computer to check my Facebook and when on the site I saw that he was logged in except it wasn’t him. It was a different name and messages saying I love you. Before I could read anything he was right there pulling me away from the computer. I remember pushing him and saying you love her. He said no. I said it never ended and he said he just broke it off. I ran out of the house and collapsed on the ground crying in my back yard in the middle of the day. I didn’t know what to do but wanted to get away from him. I took my kids and went to my friends house and told her everything. I called my mother and she told me she was flying out the next day. The next day I met with him and he told me everything!!! It was so painful to hear. She wanted to be his wife and have a baby with him. He said he knew that he didn’t love her. That he loved me. Took me for granted, blah blah. I went to my moms for a few weeks and decided to work on our marriage. I didn’t want to break up my family. He agreed to marriage counseling, gave me all his passwords.i have a tracker on his phone now. Her husband got a private investigator and found out weeks before me. They stayed together and have moved away a couple of months ago. Our marriage is better now in some ways but the trust is gone . The specialness that I thought we had our gone. It is more real. Life is not a fairy tale. I have had a health issues last few months, minor strokes and sometimes wonder if this had something to do with it. I did see after my health scare, that he does truly love me. As horrible as he was by doing such a selfish thing and risking our marriage, he didn’t leave my side when I was in the hospital and stayed up with when I thought I was going to die. We have gone through so much the last year and half, I am ready to move on and be happy again. I wish the bad memories could be taken away but they can’t. I hope I can eventually think of it as one big nightmare!!

  15. I have been married 25 yrs to a man I had out on a pedestal.i have 2 dAughters from previous marriage he has 1 son from previous marriage-he treats them like his own-for several yrs we’ve had a lot if distractions and we neglected our marriage (his teenage sons mother sent him to live with us, my niece came to live with us, my grandson practically lived with us-then my mom came to live with us-no time for us,In February my mom passed and I had noticed how he was changing-distant. Talking rude to me I found out he was having an affair with a girl he dated when we met- I knew he was sharing someone but he lied snd said it was someone else, but eventually I found a paper trail I know he paid to have her car fixed visited her at her house are out with her- kissed her but he flat out denies sleeping with her but i don’t believe him – he had prostate surgery and had to take shots and stuff and still we were unable to have sec- then after I knew he was seeing someone and I made the decision to forgive him- we were in bed and in the middle if the night we had sex he was able to maintain an erection a I am a nurse and I know he must have been able to maintain an erection before and I believe he did sleep with her but he will not admit I it- I would appreciate your thoughts please.

    • If I were you I would try to find a couples therapist, clergy or someone you can both go to together. I think that is the first step to trying to get the truth or open the lines of communication. He needs to understand that you are losing trust and faith in him. You need honesty to move forward–even if that mean you may not get the answer you want to hear. But to continue on a path without trust will get you nowhere. Good luck.

  16. I have been there. Every situation is different. Your husband may not even know why he did it yet the fact is, he did. There is something wrong with your marriage. People don’t just have affairs. Only you and your husband can find out where the issue lays. Good luck.

      • Or, there is something wrong with the “love” in an affair if they don’t want marriage, and many marriages are fine except one person also likes affairs; will agree that the only constant is that if there is an affair, there will be trouble in the marriage.
        Abe Lincoln would put it better.

  17. Hi There,

    I can understand your situation how you feel when you catch your husband affair to someone else it will break our totally and nothing feel good in our life when our close relation do this type of work, but i am pray you will overcome this problem.

  18. Thank you for sharing your heartache. It has been 3 months since my d-day. I found has been having an affair for 14 years! It started.after 12 years into our marriage and we have been married for 27 years. We have two grown.up children.. my world collasped. My wife who was my world, someone.who i trusted and someone who i believed never was capable of cheating. We were a very close couple went out celebrated birthdays anniversaries etc. We were the almost perfect couple.

    The pain.and heartache just never goea away.Everyday i have episodes of haunting imagea of them together. I think about the times.she said she loved me but at the.same time she said these things to him. It made me feel sick to think of the way she has betrayed me.for 14 years..not once did she take a step back and.think.of thw.effect.her actions.would have Why did she carry on, what did i do to make.her look else wher, did i ever mean.anything to her. 14 years is a v long time.for an.affair. it has devasted me.and im a broken man.

    Ive never.been the suspicion.type or the bossy male. I let my wife have a sense of freedom and this is how she has repaid me. Alot of thoughts go mind.and.somedays it doesnt seem.worthwhile.

    Ive had counselling says.shes.sorry. But.her repeated lies and 14 years of deciet whilst acting like a perfect wife and freind have broken my heart. They say time is a healer but how will it heal a.permanet wound. A gaping wound that will fester.

    I would never.wish this pain of infidelity on my worse enemy. This is the biggested crisis i have faced and there is no one whose hand.i can hold, no one with whom.i, no one who i can trust.anymore.

    Before i found out about my wifes affair i thought we were the perfect it just seems a dream i had..

    • Hi,
      The first six or eight months were a roller coaster for me. I couldn’t get a firm hold on my emotions or just a foot on the ground. I was angry, depressed, sad and then there were times when I genuinely felt happy. But normal is so hard to find again when your world feels shattered. I hope your wife is in therapy to figure out the answers to your questions. You ask very good questions-and I have similar ones. Why did it continue for so long? Why did he pretend we were perfectly happy if he wasn’t? The journey is difficult and it takes two people to rebuild a marriage. Take care of yourself first and the rest will come.

    • I am sorry to hear what you are going through John. I also agree with you on I wouldn’t even wish this nightmare of unfaithfulness in a marriage to my worst enemy&even to the other person who helped my husband have his affair.i can relate on what you are saying on so many levels. I found out about my husband’s affair a year ago.For two months (april&May) he lied and lied to me. I knew something was going on and he continued to lie even when I gave him the chance to be truthful. The day I found out was when I came home and found her in our bed/MY bed, our room&home..Then for a year I heard his apologies& asking him to for give him. Then I day before our 1st daughter’s baby shower I see them talking at his work site.He continue this affair for a year up til.the day I gave birth to our daughter two weeks ago. I didn’t go thru years of being lied to, I can’t even image the depth of your pain. I know how I feel after a year or so of lies…There’s times especially now I catch myself thinking bout how I wish things were different. I question all the time when he says “I love you”.cause he said the same things to her. I don’t know if he means it or not. I don’t get how someone can do this to another person.we have two small boys and a new baby girl.. The other woman knew about me, my children and.he was married she didn’t and still doesn’t care. Time is the only source of healing. That takes time. I have good days and bad days, a year later they still vary.. I don’t know if I will ever totally forget. I jus hope and pray one day he will start being truthful about everything. Stop lying to me before it’s too late..

  19. OMG, you just told my story too. He wasn’t happy. He thought I didn’t love him anymore. She is a coworker and asked him for advice. She kept their conversations going until she landed him in bed. I found their texts to each other one morning when he forgot his phone. It made me sick to my stomach. I called him at work and her too. I told her to leave him alone. He had wanted to break it off, but she had medical and marital issues she always talked to him about. After he did end it, she kept texting me and him. Finally, she text him and he let me respond as him. I was blunt. She got the message (so I think). She called him at work the next day and he continued with the finality of it.
    He never offered info, but when I uncovered more facts, he would confess. (He didn’t want to “hurt” me anymore). Too late! Oh and he also denied having sex with her in our bed. Too bad the sex videos and pics showed our bed and dog crates.
    I also Found his naked pic he sent to a woman on Craigslist, and texts to an old gf trying to find a place to hookup.
    The story goes on and on, but I decided to stay and do counseling with him. Everyone says it will take years to get through it. We are only 100 days into the journey, but I feel the change already. I forgave, but my eyes are wide open.

  20. I’m married 13yrs, have kids under ten. In the past three yrs I made out with two different woman a total of 6-7 times combined. I honestly did not sleep with any of them. Second AP (is a co-worker I knew for about a year) she did give me a quick bj and I did stimulated her back with my finger. First AP was occasional make out sessions only. Even though sex didn’t happen, it’s still the same. I’m so thankful to God that none of my affairs escalated to actual intercourse sex. The last time this happen was 6 months ago. My first affair, I easily just erased from my mind. But this second one open my eyes! I made a huge mega error.

    We, or I, should say have issues in our marriage. But who doesn’t? You know work, chores, sex not that frequent, kids, etc type of issues. Normal marriage stuff. But the main issue isn’t her it’s me. It’s my lack of integrity as the root. I’m taking responsibility and correcting it. The last six months I’ve just been getting right quietly on my own. Aside for the reason of me being an ass, I’ve been facing why I did it to avoid the same problem. I’m completely distanced myself from my APs. I’m at the point now that I feel I’m in a great direction, I have set some checks and balance with an honest, trust-worthy, male friend (I know wouldn’t tell) we both know that has access to my gps, phone, emails, etc. to help keep me accountable. He can check at a drop of a dime. I quietly started a coffee relationship with a local pastor too for whenever I’m tempted again. This pass month she was out if town and I could have EASILY cheated with a new woman or pass APs. But I ran away on my knees from the thought. My present situation is this. Should I confess? I could never bring it up to my wife and she might never know. The other side is my wife has a right to know. Based on this, I’m not afraid to confess, and I am ready too if necessary. But small overwhelming majority of the advice I’ve researched and collected online from offended women is don’t tell her because the sex didn’t happen. It’s NOT worth the hurt it will cause her. Yes the bj was bad but again not worth the hurt she will feel. A few have said yes, do it anyway. This can not be kept a secret. What’s your suggestion?? should I tell her? You seem to have gotten a really impressive good healthy handle with your experience. Best I’ve read online anyway. I value your blog from any other one. Should I confess? Is it worth it? Obviously the choice is mine, primarily now, I’m mainly collecting wisdom from offended woman before I take my course of action. My pastor friend tells me to do what I believe is right for my family. Thank you for your blog. May you and husband, kids be enternality blessed.

    • I like that you called yourself Dumbass because I was about to type: “Hi Dumbass”… joking aside.
      You ask a very good question. Do you tell? Obviously, a line was crossed with both APs and you feel a tremendous amount of guilt. Many betrayed women out there wish they never learned of their husband’s infidelity because of they pain they now feel. I am a bit the opposite. I am glad I know. There is something inside every woman out there that questions if her husband has been faithful. I’m guessing many women do not know the truth about their husbands.
      But I don’t know if you should tell your wife. I am actually going out to dinner with my husband and I am going to ask him what he thinks. My guess is, my husband will say be honest. If you do tell her, it needs to be the right place and right time. I’ll write you back tomorrow.

      • Thanks. I appreciate the input. But I believe that I made up my mind, I am confessing before the end of June. I’ll write back and let you know what happen.

      • If you are going to tell her I would begin reading some books and if you can, go to therapy. Your wife will be devastated to learn what has happened. As much as I can say–”well at least nothing went all the way”- I do know that if my husband had told me when he first kissed his AP and nothing more–I would have been a mess. BUT, in retrospect now I see that it would have been something he needed to tell me to prevent the affair.
        You should look inside and figure out why you involved yourself with these women. What’s missing/lacking that these women fulfilled?

    • Like the name, fits you completely. Mine too so you’re not alone. My advice, as the betrayed wife. You really have no choice but to confess to your wife. Create a nice scenario but she will appreciate your honesty, right now she thinks she’s living with a loyal, honest, faithful man. She’s not. While you may not have actually had actual sex with either of them, you have destroyed the covenant relationship you had with your wife. I am glad for the accountability partner that you have and the pastor that you talk to, you are on the right road, but one thing remains. Until she knows, you are cheating her of choice and for that, trust me, she will hate you.

      My husband did not have sex with any of the women he associated with, but he and you have allowed them to disrespect her/me. She doesn’t know this and you don’t have the right to do this to her.

      Pray and trust that God will give her what she needs to forgive you, and never NEVER even think about this again. You don’t say if you have children but think about that too. Its not worth it, they are not worth it. There is nothing like being able to hold your head up, and being an example to other young men. I wish you the best

      • That is the side I am leading towards too as well. I have to tell her. At least, if I want to savage anything from this relationship. Sweeping it under the rug won’t improve anything. It’s not fair to her neither. I’m planning to confess within the next month. I’ll come back and let everyone know what was the outcome.

      • Good for you. Will be praying for you. It is very difficult but very necessary. Please have nothing more to do with either AP, forget they even exist. That will be of utmost concern to your wife and she needs to know that you are serious about your remorse and your desire to move forward with her. Look forward to your postings.

  21. Hello I am feeling very sad after reading this type of behavior of husband who are doing such type of cheating with wife and increase the infidelity. I really appreciate with you post. Thanks

  22. I am not married and admire people that are. I honestly think women take themselves too seriously and that’s why they feel so much hurt when their partners stray. Most of the relationships the husbands get involved in are just meant to fill some void, it has nothing to do with you…there is nothing wrong with you (excuse the cliche). You need to relax more and stop idolizing your partners and marriages. Despite his cheating, be thankful that he is there for you and your children. You are building a life together, he will be there for family holidays, be there when your children get into trouble. Believe me, if he had to choose who to save from a burning building…you or the mistress?….he will save YOU and not her. He will eventually tire of his ways and be there when you’re old and still have someone to send to buy milk. You might feel that the infidelity is behind, you are now happy and moving on…I think he will cheat again and possibly still doing so – and if he what, he is still positively contributing in other ways to your life together isn’t he? Don’t underestimate your worth. Don’t burden yourself with a victim mentality. Don’t try to control what you can’t. Let go, relax and enjoy your marriages…his cheating means nothing.

    Just another view from a mistress.

    • Your response is dead on. It’s hard to comprehend in the beginning stages of grieving from discovering the betrayal but with time I saw everything you said is true. My husband’s affair had little to do with me or our marriage, it was about his insecurities and what was lacking within him. I can wish that he was honest and came to me but I cannot change the past. The truth is our marriage has an element of honesty now that we never had before. It’s beautiful and painful all at once.

      I know you are a mistress so I wonder if you are aware of what is missing or lacking in your life that has led you to be with a married man? I think when there is an affair both partners are seeking to have their insecurities/emotional or physical needs met by their affair partner. The thing I’ve seen in my husband is that he damaged himself by cheating on me more than me. He didn’t walk away without scars and I hope that when your relationship ends (or maybe it will continue with just the two of you) that you can reach some peace with whatever part of your life he is filling for you. I hope this reads the way I intend because I do believe that we all deserve to feel loved, appreciated and respected with complete honesty.

      • Thank you for your sincerity given what I represent to women that are being cheated on. After reading some of the accounts, I feel the pain. I am so sorry you had/have to go through this. It is clear that not all situations are the same, some men cheat but are still very much invested in their marriages, they show remorse and repentance which makes it easier to forgive. In some instances it is clear to me that the partners are no longer interested in their marriages. By denying and constantly lying about their infidelities means that they are not willing to take responsibility, acknowledge the pain they are causing and start rebuilding their marriages. I too would stay if he showed remorse and willing to address the cause of his infidelity. I would not if he didn’t. To answer your question, I am with him because he is here now. But sadly because I feel an attachment to him that I have not felt with anyone else. He is a package of all that I appreciated about those before him and more. He is my happy place – my go-to place when I feel an overwhelming weight on my shoulders. He is the “hi” that pops up on my screen when I need it the most. I’ve never told him how significant he has become. I never discuss my problems with him and yet,unaware, he is that pillar I lean on. All this concerns me because one day he might not come back. He might decide our time is up. When that happens, I will miss him but take a deep breath and move on. I have no expectations. I don’t know how he feels about me, but oddly I don’t find myself desperate to know, it’s not important. All I know is that he is here now and for close to 3 years, has kept coming back. Ironically one of the things I appreciate about him is his honesty with me and his dedication to his family. Yes he is a cheat but he understands his responsibilities. He is invested in his marriage and children. He values the role his wife plays in his marriage. He has no intention of allowing his wayward ways to interfere with his family, with what they are building together. I respect that. I have an impression that he is simply a free spirit not ready to be tamed. I also have the impression that his wife knows this, patiently waiting for him to fully be home. I think she can do this because he shows a dedication and appreciation of what they have together. When his wife calls, he puts himself together and leaves. She seems to be in control – he can go play provided he is home before dark. He possibly doesn’t always make it back on time but he tries. I applaud her and have no intention of ruining that for them. I constantly ask myself why it had to be him. It almost seems like a cruel joke. Why did God sent me a package seemingly perfect for me but one I cannot keep. I am praying for a similar but older package and despite the cheating, one I can hold on to. For now he is the one that pops up when I ask, as if he is the answer.

      • This post is honest but a very liberal spineless attempt to justify irresponsibility and deception. I have been on both sides if the coin, an AP and a betrayed spouse. It’s all wrong, it’s a negative impact to all parties. It’s all parties using each other for their own selfish needs. Sure, everyone can try to make a wrong right but having lived on both sides I can say to this person: it’s all bullshit and honesty and integrity does not exist in affairs. The man is living a lie, the ap is living a lie, the wife is living a lie and life is too short to fall into the trap. Affairs suck point blank. Their is so much happiness in life to be had so why short change yourself. Nothing good comes from living a secret and unstable life. It catches up to everyone. I’ve seen too many men and women waste their lives in affairs, they all get older and there is a moment in time they look back with much regret and wished they’d lived a more honest and stable life. To say your content with being the other woman is robbing yourself of true happiness. And if the wife is content with a cheating husband she too is cheating herself. No one, I repeat no one is truly happy in those arrangements. They can try to defend it and try to say their happy but it’s pure bs.

      • Actually all situations are the same. Conclusions may be different. You are doing something wrong and emotionally damaging to all concerned, you, him, her, the family. You have made that choice. It is entirely your choice how irresponsibly you are behaving.
        If he loves you he will leave.
        If you love him you will wait till he is free.
        If he grows up he will learn how to be worthy of marriage.
        For the rest of your life you will never be able to trust any relationship, because you really know there are people out there like you.
        Save yourself, mature. Be honourable. You can do it.

      • I was reading your blog. I was okay with most part of it until I came to the part “God gave him to me”.God didn’t give him to you!! God is against adultery/affairs! MARRIAGE! HUSBAND AND WIFE AND FAMILY is a special sacred gift! IT’S A Covenant! GOD, husband&wife! God doesn’t bless things that HIS word is against. Mark 10:9 NASB
        “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”..Marriage is God’s VICTORY&HIS perfect plan. I am sorry God didn’t give a married man to you.

      • Amen. Man and Wife..children. Family is the closest to God than anything else on Earth. We all want to save the world but I’m choosing to save my family.

    • As you emotionally support someone, then make love, you develop an emotional and chemical dependency .
      A chemical imprint will be associated with each other, one he transfers from his wife.
      To justify and support this, the cheater will rewrite his perception of his marriage. Then guilt will subliminally set in and he will get further and further from his true feelings and eventually become so miserable he will disconnect from both you and his wife., the penny will drop that he has problems in his makeup preventing a true relationship. He won’t thank you for aiding and abetting his folly. His children will eventually find his remoteness towards them is not their fault; after a lot of therapy, and will demonise you. If he joins you at any point you both will be living with guilt and no trust. That is how a no strings attached affair develops without exception. There will be no winners and everyone will be desperately hurt and confused.
      That is why I say it is wrong for all of you.
      The longer you stay, the worse it will get, specifically for you. You will have wasted valuable time and emotional investment that will only distort and destroy you when the inevitable end comes without warning.
      Get out, stand back, rethink.
      Improve your life.
      He needs to sort himself out before he is fit to relate to anyone. I would doubt he knows what he thinks at this stage; he does know how the script goes to fulfil his needs, how to lie mostly to himself.
      Don’t kid yourself that it is special. It is word by word bog standard affair fantasy.
      If it isn’t, it will survive without deceit.

      • Well forgive me, but trying to educate and validify an AP, I dunno, tell me I am wrong, but no-one has to tell him/her that they are wrong. They already know this, but they really don’t give a rats ass. Adultery is a selfish act, nothing more. There is never a reason. Obviously there is something wrong with the psyche of persons who do this, if I were to stand on my ecclesiastical footing I would say that the choice has been made for the devil who hates God and everything that represents God, marriage being one of the chief institutions that does. Its always easy to say yes without consideration of persons outside of yourself. Thats why the cheater never thinks about the wife, the children, it just about how they feel or how they think this person makes them feel.

        Its pathetic really, even to write a statement about having the AP consider their ways. If they are confronted they will wilt because what they have cannot stand against truth and honour. I do pray for them, really, because they are nothing, and they know this. The scripture declares that if your lie with a harlot you become one, so what does that say about this activity. There are no winners here and its just sad. I wish God would make it so that if you cheat, your balls would shrivel up and you would become impotent until you feel how you have hurt the person who loves you, and on the converse, as the woman you would itch and cannot stop scratching until you can neither sit, stand, or do anything except scream in agony. But thats just me.

      • Dear J,
        I am so busy trying to forgive everyone that I lose focus.
        My best friend, also a J would have said exactly the same.

      • This makes absolute sense to me thank you. It is that time to take a breath and move on. I will miss him but this is not how it’s meant to happen.

        @trying2heal albeit your angry response, you provided the answer I was seeking…I cannot possibly be sent a married man as an answer to my prayers. It is important to clarify that I wasn’t making a statement as you stated that “God gave him to me”. I was posing a question I keep asking myself.

        All the best wishes to you all.

      • @theotheewoman~I read what you wrote to Robin. I hope you do move on for yourself.I truly believe if you put God first HE will fill that space and in time God will have a man who is worthy for your love with no baggage. You can build a life with, that is approved and blessed by God. I have forgiven the other woman who knew and knows my husband is married with a family&wife. I realized it’s not her nor me, it’s something my husband has to deal with that is between him and God. From the start of my journey there were and still are many times God has sit me down to pray for the other woman and her children. It’s the hardest thing, it’s what God has asked me to do. I will pray for you also that HE will comfort you and be that man for you until one God brings to you that HE approves is good enough for His daughter. You may ask like many do, why wives stay when they find out why their husband’s are unfaithful. I can’t speak for others, for me it’s cause of God’s unconditional love and forgiveness grace He gives me. I have learned over and over to extend to my husband. I made a vow and promised&covenant not just to my husband, to God. Yes I know the what the Bible says about if one commits adultery, one can get a divorce. Bottom line is God doesn’t like divorces. I know I won’t go to hell even day I decide to walk away. See right now God shows me daily to forgive my husband and love him unconditionally as God loves and sees him. Until God shows me a different path, and opens other doors that shows me it’s time to walk away from.this marriage, and peace. Right now I am here praying for my husband as Praying Wife!!! That’s all I can do. I love my God more than my husband to turn away from what my selfish and fleshly desires want to do what God’s will is. What Satan tires to destroy, God always always reigns wins with Victory.HE restores what is always broken to something better than we could ever imagine. If we just trust God. Not our spouses, TRUST God with what HE is trying to rebuild. Anyway, as God for forgiveness. The price has already been paid with the blood of Christ.Put God first and see what HE can bless with you. It will amaze you! God is that everlasting love!

      • Robin, I totally agree with you 100% what you wrote to the other woman. Kudos for you! To the other woman, have respect for yourself and leave the unhealthy relationship. Let him deal with what he needs to fix in himself so he can be the husband and father that God designed him to be to the family God gave him. What you believe is love isn’t love. LOVE is God. GOD is love. Therefor, affairs isn’t not love. It’s Satan’s temptation to the human flesh. Whatever the married man fills for you isn’t love, God is the only one who can truly fill that need and security&love. Please truly think bout what you are doing to what God designed what marriage is suppose to be. Remember God never blesses what HE is against. There are many, many blessing that God wants to give us.We can only receive those blessings if we are living for God. God is the foundation of any true love relationship/marriage. Anything else is built on lies&deception. That foundation will never last.

      • Interesting point, “what you believe is love isn’t love”
        It is very simple when you state it like that. Rather sums up the whole affair situation. I don’t know why such a simple statement seems so profound, truth stands out, I guess. Cheers to all of us.

      • So true trying2heal, there is no other foundation other than the Lord Jesus Christ, unfortunately, we as humans believe we know more so we mess up continually.  Marriage is God’s platform for what will eventually happen when we, as His bride take our rightful place at the marriage supper.  Buts thats why the devil fools so many people into thinking that there is better outside of our marriages. That’s so much crap, so much hurt, so much disillusionment but as long as life lasts, affairs will happen.  Thats unfortunate but it is so good for persons to be able to write and share because that is so cathartic.  We are such a large army of hurt, disappointed persons but Thanks be to God for those of us who have overcome, so that we can encourage the others, for this too shall surely pass.  One day you will smile again, even love again, for many of you its the same person, for some of us it is ourselves.  Be encouraged, hug yourself, you are beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made.  Let no-one take this truth from you.

      • @whahoo2013…I liked what you wrote and I needed that. I’m at crossroads going back to work and I am full of fear. :( I haven’t worked since the affair a year ago I lost my last job, self esteem and who I truly was a year ago cause of this affair. It destroyed me! From the inside out. Now a year later he says it’s over. I don’t know how to out I behind me when he doesn’t want to even answer my questions or talk to me.about it. Now I’m being pushed back into the working field and out of my comfort zone. I get and and angry cause he won’t even get out of his comfort zone for me to talk.and answer the questions I have. How can I close this past door when I have unanswered questions. I am struggling there. I am struggling with fully trusting God. I hate to admit it, it’s the truth. I am scared and full of fear. It eats at me daily. Maybe it is me.. I don’t know. I don’t want to be hurt anymore.

    • Dear other woman, you were very brave to add to this blog and I think it helped me think through a lot of things. Everyone joining in has been great.
      Thiswillnotdefineus, thank you for the blog, it has helped me a lot. Like trudging through the snow, helping each other.

      • Actually, Trying2Heal, you won’t go to hell for leaving but God will hold you accountable for not forgiving and reconciling with him IF he has truly repented and changed his life. the allowance for divorce in the Bible was when the heart of the offender was hardened. Jesus stated this himself. Nowhere in 1 Cor 13 does it give exceptions or allowances. I think by human standards we want to justify our giving up on a marriage when cheated upon. But as you said the Vow was made with God not the spouse. Breaking vows with God has much more serious repercussions than those with man.
        I would also venture to guess both spouses regardless of the cheater have broken vows, not just the staying out of someone else’s bed. Show me a wife who has not dishonored her husband….There are none that are righteous, not even one.

        But you are completely correct…the other woman is completely off course….Adultery is wrong no matter how you look at it.

      • Erin, Hello, the replies seem a bit scrambled but the comments are valuable.
        I forgave my husband on D-day as he was distraught and I truly felt sorry. I am still trying to figure out what happened. His co worker offered sex in exchange for his business support,she said it might “do him a world of good” .
        he actually was on top of the world when the affair started, A very long affair ensued. Sometimes he says he just had all this sex energy he needed to dump somewhere. Sometimes he says the stress had made him feel a failure and he just wanted to feel good and lustful again. I stood by for years while his personality changed, . I thought because of drinking and the economy and working for tyrants of clients. . It was guilt and fear of being found out. . . He went to a priest that said he couldn’t help him because my husband was not repentant. At no time did my husband think he didn’t love me but his pride prevented his being honest with me and he became resentful that I didn’t make him feel good, to justify what he did. He went to an ammature councillor that said just leave, go back to your wife, she will be glad you are back to normal, just write a note so that the AP doesn’t think she didn’t mean anything. Presumably to pre-empt a bunny boiler. He wrote love letters to her and the fantasy they had, instead of saying it was a tragic mistake and we all deserved better. I found the letters by accident. Some say there are no accidents. I am trying to really understand what happened. I really feel I tried all along during the affair which I didn’t know was happening; yet he lied to me when I was concerned about the distancing. He said I was crazy when I suggested his coworker was too friendly. The two of them effectively cut me out of my own life. I feel the marriage vow was created exactly for this situation to emphasise the importance of honest communication when unhappy, failing that, unquestioning commitment to honesty. I attempted to the best of my ability to tell him disaster was looming for the entire family, until I felt I was pushing him over the edge. I don’t understand how, in the face of total deceit , a spouse can be considered neglectful, which I feel you imply. I value your insight. However, in the face of a true mistake there is more needed than not casting the first stone. That is simplistic. There is more to understanding what one is forgiving to make a real recovery and constructively rebuild, not just saying the words. I believe no one is unforgivable. Some may be more dangerous than others. I believe we all make mistakes. It is easy to forgive philosophically, but it takes real understanding to live it.

      • This is for trying2heal. Its understandable that you don’t know whether you are coming or going. This is such a devastating situation to be in. We all know it and all understand where you are, but know that fear is not from God. Yes, it would like to control you but you don’t have to accept that. When I was in the midst of my own situation, I too was unemployed, have been for almost 5 years now. Its very bad in my country, but God has always been there, even when it doesn’t seem like it. So know, know that even though are fearful now, use your words to counter that. The scripture says, that God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of Power, and of Love and of a Sound Mind, this is what the devil is trying to do, destroy your mind. Speak the truth of who you are, speak it out loud, look into your mirror and tell yourself, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” “I am blessed” “I am the head and not the tail” speak it until it becomes real. Yes, you have questions, but you can’t force him to talk to you, but you can know that his adultery has nothing to do with you, its all him. He has the problem, he is the failure, not you. Stand girl, stand upon what God says about you, and move forward. If you begin to trust God, one day your husband will become so burdened by guilt, that he will talk to you. Last year March, after13 years of porn, masturbation, lusting, and I so did not know, I just knew that my husband was an idiot and not able to work on his marriage, my husband looked at me and said “Girl, I hate myself” “I can’t live like this anymore” I didn’t know what the “:this” was, but he began to open up. I nearly died, the truth was so awful, I was angry at God too, but girl, when I learned to forgive, my own healing began, they can never earn your forgiveness, but it is for you, and I am doing much better now. Sorry, this is so long, but you are not alone, know that and be comforted. This will pass, and you will love yourself. Be bold, be strong, you are blessed and highly favoured.


    • Are you for real? “Most of the relationships the husband get involved in are just meant to fill some void, it has nothing to do with you… Are you for freaking real? It is obvious you are not married, I wonder what you would say if you were and your husband cheated on you, would you think you husband was just trying to fill some void and it had nothing to do with you, and the wife should not idolize her partner and her marriage. Do you have an idea, a concept of the HURT, the PAIN, the DISSAPPOINTMENT, the UNBELIEF, that cheating causes, obviously you don’t, well let me tell you, and so will all the women here, we can’t RELAX. Marriage makes you become one flesh, no one plunges a knife into their own heart sister, but adultery does this, even if the husband/wife does not sleep with the AP, illicit and clandestine meetings and conversations, hugs, kisses, gropings, THEY HURT, and it makes you, the perpetrator, so small, so needy. Do you read these posts here? Do you see what happens to us, our self esteem is ripped apart, our self worth is destroyed, our trust has evaporated, they will never be the same to us again, not even when we forgive them, we will NEVER forget what they have done. We see triggers every day, we reflect on what they did every day, we get depressed and have to seek medical attention, we can’t properly take care of our children. So your idea of him/her filling a void, usually that is what the AP creates by lying and manipulating whether through your youth or looks. You provide an easy ..c…nt without the added distractions of cleaning, cooking, children finances, sicknesses. You ought to be ashamed to write such stuff, but then, if that is really what you think, doesn’t say much about you does it. Maybe the “void” is between your ears. I am sorry for you, you are so shallow but I will pray for you, pay for a great understanding because you are devoid of that.

  23. Hi, I stumbled on your blog the usual sad way- I discovered my husband was having an emotional (he says not beyond kissing and hugging and long intimate conversations with the other woman) affair for 2 months. I discovered it in April this year while I was 3 months pregnant. Since the. We have separated NS recently been trying to work it out because I was sure of one thing- at the end of te day I still loved him- just like the quote you put- but now I find myself unable to feel that anymore. I am comfortably numb, although he says he has ended the affair and seems to be trying, I’m not sure if it’s out of obligation for the baby and our 2 other small children. It just seems so contrived, all this “trying.” And when I think about it, I seem to have no positive feelings towards him apart from abject disappointment and fond memories that we have shared through our coming to 8 years of marriage. I guess my question is, how long will it take before I know that this numbness and lack of feeling is just a phase or if our marriage has been snuffed out by his affair and before that, our unhappiness with each other?

    • I don’t know if there is any easy way to answer your question. I think I went through the first year after my D-Day trying to figure out if I would ever be “content” again. Even though I had moments of happiness and I wasn’t completely depressed I felt removed from my life at times. You discovered your husband’s betrayal a couple months ago and unfortunately, it takes time to heal. For the first few months after my D-Day I had moments where I didn’t trust anything in my life. I felt like he was only with me because he didn’t want a divorce but I questioned if she was still on the sidelines–waiting. It’s hard to trust what is real/not real… it’s hard to believe the man you love, father of your children could have intimate conversations with another woman. BUT, I strongly believe that a man can cheat and still absolutely love his wife and kids. There’s something missing in him–something that this woman was filling but not because he needed her. He was afraid to ask you for what he needed. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I think feeling numb may slowly subside–but be aware of how you feel and what you need. Tell your husband how you feel. Ask him to step up. If you can–go to therapy and talk to a neutral party.

      • Thank you for your measured and hopeful response. I have attempted couples therapy with him but we never made a single session together because he is ostensibly always busy but the truth is he just doesn’t think therapy will help us. I can onky try and muddle it through on my own and hope to arrive at an answer when the baby is out. With or without him in the picture. I have read the other comments and I think in order to salvage the marriage the offending partner has to accept his responsibility and show genuine remorse and address the issues of the loss of trust and put measures in place to provide the partner with certainty that the affair is over and that he is completely honest and trying not to disrespect the marriage again. As it stands, I can’t be sure of that and thus it is hard to be the only one working at the marriage when he doesn’t give me any such assurance and continues to have to see the AP on business trips- for work he says. He thinks there is nothing wrong with them continuing to be friends, and doesn’t realised how disrespectful it is to me. But I can’t be the one to tell him that. It is something he will either come to realize or not.

      • Dear Dazed&confused, my heartbreaks reading your journey who just realized.My eyes were open to my husband’s affair a year ago in April. Lies and lies kept coming up, his actions changed for two months before I walked in on them in my house, our bedroom. I just passed the 1 year ago Dday on May 28th. I don’t think he even remembered that date, it’s like it was yesterday in my head. For a year he has kept this AP on the side..Le omissions after promises he said it was over..I kept finding emails/texts that they were still in contact. Plus his job makes it easy to see her. Back in Aug 2013 God blessed us with a new baby coming..I thought we would work this marriage out and move on. Come to find out a few times.during my pregnancy he was still in contact with her and kept seeing her. I don’t know if they were still sleeping together but talking/texting/her coming to see him at work sites..many times thru the pregnancy he said he was sorry and was done. That wasn’t the case, the day we went into having our baby girl May 2nd…I caught him emailing her “just wanted to say I love you” her. My heart broke into million pieces.. Who does that? The day that suppose to ve

      • Continue from my first post to you~Dazed&confused…The day was supposed to be happy and joyful. All I felt was more hurt and more lies..He has been home since baby was born helping, his actions has changed. Now it’s so hard to separate the real and the fake cause he so good at lying, being fake..I saw a reply to his email from what he wrote to her the last time. She called him a liar. I was going to erase it, I didn’t cause there is truth to that. I am tired of being the only one who told him that, him justifying it. I don’t know if he is still . communicating with her or not. In a few weeks we will see, he goes back to work. His job makes it easy to continue the affair if he chooses. I lost my job I loved so much a year ago June 24th because of this affair. I became broken and it affected my work tremendously. See I was a advocate for dv and sa victims, I was to counsel properly going thru my issues. Now God has given me a new job and opportunity, I’m scheduled to start work in two weeks. I am terrified and scared that he will bring her back into this home.when I’m not here or see her on his days off since are days off will be different. I know God is telling me to TRUST Him (God) since I can’t trust my husband. My fleshly emoting get in the way I start to worry and build anxiety on stuff I can’t control.which I know God is working on in me..My walls are up and I am.scared to let.them.down.i love my husband more than .words can say& our beautiful family we have created is such a blessing I pray that he will see what he has before it’s too late.I do know I serve a God who turns all things that were broken, and restored it into something beautiful and amazing. That’s where I am at right now, holding on to that faith right now.Rebuilding who I am now after this storm.and being the best I can be children. You said it best that at the end of the day you still love your husband. That’s where I am at, I still husband unconditionally…no doubt!! I need to trust God’s plans… that’s the work God doing in me.. :0)

      • You are absolutely right about the wayward spouse needs to accept full responsibility, genuine remorse and be willing to do anything it takes to save the marriage.
        There was so much doubt that lingered in my mind after my husband ended his affair. He stopped all contact but that meant stepping down from his different board positions and shifting gears at work to avoid her. Sometimes it’s not that easy to end contact if the two work together. But a friendship is not okay–especially if you aren’t okay with it. It sounds like you know what you are doing. Keep your focus.

      • I am thankful for your blog….reading what other married woman (men) are going thru after being hurt and betrayed, trying to find “normal”again. This blog has helped in ways that I can truly express my feelings and how I hurt from time to time, try to mask everything around others family/friends/especially children.And even my own husband. I am about to enter the work field again in two weeks and I have all these emotions/fears. I try to express them to my husband, he doesn’t want to hear them.. He says I should let it go\forget…believe me I was that easy.i wish I had a horrible memory or something that can erase the past year of pain and hurt&lies… I don’t. .all I have is my two hands to pray with. That’s what I do..Some days are better than others…I am thankful I was offered such a awesome and better job than I had a year ago. I thank God for that, now I struggle with having to be pushed to let more.of the things I can’t control go. We won’t have lunches together anymore, he will be by himself more since I’m returning to work. That all scares me, frightens me. He hasn’t done anything to the affair is done.. He has never acknowledge his own actions…every time he has said eh sorry.and he . promises it’s over, I find something else.he is hiding..When he is being loving and says he loves me or is nice..I question why?.why is he being so nice? Those are the things I want to stop in my own mind. I takes time. That’s where I am at, crossroads? Do I stay or do I go?? Like other bloggers I love him still.. we have built . this family and life together.

      • One thing you should enjoy is taking your own sweet time to make up your mind about going or staying. You can always go if you change your mind. You have utterly no obligation to rush yourself.

      • It’s extremely difficult when you feel you are at a crossroads. The decision to stay or go seems daunting. While I never felt strongly that I needed to leave my marriage I did feel at times like I was drowning in the pain. I felt like I would never have a day without feeling the stab wound in my heart. Slowly I got to a place where I feel better. But it does take time and effort. I hope that you can find the resolution you are praying for.

      • @thiswillnotdefineus~I also don’t have a strong urge to leave my marriage. I guess it’s more I am scared of being hurt more. Letting go of things I can’t control, thinking it’s going to help him not contact her.He has showed these past few weeks he wants our marriage. I don’t know if it’s cause he is truly done with a fair or its because he’s been on leave with me from work since we’ve had our baby. Next week he and I go back to work, and I’m scared.My anxiety is heavy these past couple weeks. I haven’t been back working for a year since this affair. I have a new job starting and I’m excited. I am scared at the same time. Then he will have more time by himself again. :( it’s hard to know what he really wants. When it comes to us, no one would know we were having this issue cause we still hang around family/good friends/go to church and married bible group studies together. I am trying to focus on those things. I get upset when he doesn’t want to talk bout what has happened or why he kept talking to her for so long afterwards. I just hate being lied to and not having a husband who is truthful. I wonder if our marriage will be able to survive and will I be able to ever truly trust him again, him being a faithful husband. So hard…

      • It took months for my husband to understand ” what was the big deal” about him only having sex with a coworker. I threatened an all out expose, including entire client list, that made her stop sending unnecessary business emails on the weekends, she thought that was outrageous; then I made it clear in no uncertain terms how much I was hurt, all done without accusing, just how much pain, continued mistrust and family instability. Not until he saw and felt my pain, without accusation, did he finally understand and really loathe what they had done.
        He wrote a final SMS to her saying it was never love, that he deeply regretted what horrid thing they had done together. Then arranged she never attend a single non vital business meeting, and also deputised a stand in for existing jobs. No more work to be taken on with her firm.
        I had worried he would feel sorry for her. He doesn’t.
        I still fear he is honouring commitments but he constantly assures me it was a “pornographic addiction” and for some reason that is supposed to make me fell better, one he was afraid she would expose if he quit. But then I found out by accident. Good luck to us all.

      • Oops, two amendments to my last post “pornographic aberration” not addiction, and my concern is that he is honouring commitment rather than loving me, he says not the case. He always compartmentalised the affair as an affair, never confused it with love. He wants never to see her again.

    • Hello Dazed and Confused, let me tell you first that you are a wonderful, beautiful woman. I fully underderstand you because my husband was involved in a few emotional affairs, the longest was three years, a co-worker. So I fully understand the “numb” feeling. Its been over 13 years now and I am still numb towards him. But I will tell you one thing, coupla years ago, I tried to love him and I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t, I prayed, I asked God about it and one day He said to me, “Girl don’t worry, I have caused you to feel this way. Your husband must know what it is to love someone who does not love them. Like you have loved him when he didn’t love you”

      Girl, I was blown away, totally blown away to know that God would do something like this, but I tell you this, not saying that this is what is happening to you but to let you know that this can happen. Know that God is upset with your hurt and your tears and your unsureness….(not a word) But I will tell you this, you need to forgive your husband I know we don’t really know how to forgive, I thought I did for over 10 years and was told by my pastor that I hadn’t…but ask the Lord to show you how to forgive. Forgiveness is for you not for him, he will never earn you forgiveness, but it is what you need for your own healing to begin. You are worthy of healing, you are worthy of feeling whole again, you are worthy of feeling worthy to be loved again, whether by him or someone new. Forgiveness will make you complete. So think about that, ask God, as humans we don’t really know how to do it. Forgive the sucker and leave it. Allow the Lord to work for and through you. This has been my experience and I am growing daily, still don’t love him but like him a little as God is doing a number on him. Its almost unbelievable. You don’t have to be a christian to access the power of God, know that He loves you abundantly and completely. Hug yourself, treat yourself to something nice, you are worth it. Every blessing.

  24. Thankyou trying2heal,
    I fully understand how you are feeling, I pray to take the triggers out of my head and know satan is trying to stir things up for me constantly so my husband and I will fight. I know we must forgive ALL sins as God has forgiven us. All sins in his eyes are the same and the greatest gift of love is to forgive. Saying all this is easy but forgetting what he has done is very difficult. If only I could erase it from my brain, how much easier would it be. Its been over a year and I still have questions in my head building up….Does he miss her? Did she really make him feel good at at the time? Why wasnt i good enough? Does he think she looks better than me? What was it about her?
    All these questions he has answered, but than I question myself in is he really being honest. How could my husband of 18 yrs want a skanky whore? He was still getting everything from me. nothing had stopped, so why? Extra attention he says, self esteem. bored, she was bored, he was her hero. All this does not matter to me as all I see is the OW woman being a selfish cow that went out to destroy a decent family and innocent children.
    To the OW, get a single man!!!! It is a sin to go for married men, not that my husbands OW cared. I told her she was not being a responsible mother and wife to damage other peoples lives and not one bit of remorse came out of her mouth. I honestly dont know how these women can live with themselves knowing that innocent lives are being destroyed through their selfish acts of lust. Yes lust as my husband explains, NOT love. That is the difference, its only sex. Please think twice, these women take years to recover and its a long journey.
    I too, love my husband and yes some days are harder than others, triggers are firing constantly and some days are just down right lonely, even though my husband is doing everything in his power to make it up to me, I still look at him with sad eyes and wonder how he could ever do this to me and the kids. He too, looks at me everyday and says how could I ,when look what I have right in front of me.
    To all betrayed married partners out there remember one thing as I do…Yes it sucks for this to happen, but what we have as wives is way more than the OW will ever have, we have them here, in our homes, in our beds everynight, in our hearts, we have children to them, we have the history, we have special occasions, we have holidays, we have a family and memories. I know I have to tell myself yes this happened and to fight triggers, and learn to trust and yes I worry if he is still in contact etc, but its either try to block it out to the back of my head an fight these demons or leave and move on.

  25. I am going through the same thing. I found out on my ANNIVERSARY that my husband has cheated on me. He now can’t believe he could do this to me. I know he has changed because I see the changes and he even gives me passwords to everything but how can I love him like i once did? I gave him my all. Why did it have to take this for him to realize how much I mean to him? I want to stay with my husband but I don’t know if I can after a betrayal like this…how to move forward when all you can think about is him cheating on you…

    • Karen~it takes a lot of strength! For me, lots of seeking God and asking for HIS help to show me constantly how to forgive and forgive and forgive again . Only thru God can I love my husband unconditionally! My flesh says be selfish.i am learning daily how to love and see my husband as God still loves&sees him. It’s not easy. Some days I do good, other days I fail (I get angry and mad, ask why).my husband doesn’t want to talk bout it. That’s what’s hard for me@times. I have to remember I made a vow to not just my husband, to God. Even though this “season “is difficult/tough, it won’t last forever. That’s what I keep reminding myself. Jesus endured so much more than I am going thru so I could be forgiven for my sins. I believe if I stay focused on God’s perfect plan for marriage than what Satan wanted to destroy, our marriage will survive&become what I never dreamed of..God has already won the victory. I do know I won’t go to he’ll if I walk away/get a divorce. Right now I don’t have the peace from God to walk away. I’ve prayed and asked God to show me what I need to certain doors haven’t opened to throw away this marriage. What I do get is my love for my husband is renewed continuously, daily.That is all done because of God’s love. I give the glory to God! For HIS strength to get me through what I go through daily, mentally. It’s what I call a battlefield of the mind. God’s glory will be done.since my husband still here than I know and believe God will continue to change HIS heart.

  26. @Judy~Your words of encouragement was so needed for today. I have been struggling this time around to forgive and let go. I told him last night I was able to forgive right away when I walked in on them, trying to understand and let go of him keeping in contact with the other woman thru my pregnancy up til the very day we had our baby girl 6 weeks ago. How do I know now he’s stop the contact when he says now it’s over, just forget bout it. This is a time for us to enjoy our blessing, our 3rd child, our only daughter. I feel empty and missing something. His affair has left me doubting myself/questioning me if I’m good enough in bed or a good enough wife. Your right I know it’s Satan destroying me. I fight this everyday. I look at my husband and wish he loved me like he use too. He says he loves me, so hard to believe when he told her the same thing. You can’t love both?? I too get upset with God, than I know it’s not HIM trying to destroy this marriage. I just wish God would remove the other woman somehow some way away from my husband. At the end of the day, it’s up to my husband to make the right decision. I know I shouldn’t be mad at her cause my husband let’s it happen. There’s times God puts it on my heart to pray for her. So hard to pray for someone who doesn’t care bout you and what she’s doing to my family. I know it’s part of being obedient to our Lord, Savior. I love my husband so much, I don’t get why he doesn’t see that or realize that. Why he has seen it destroy me from the inside out, why continue his affair (if he is). I am patiently waiting to start my new job so hopefully that will help me move forward. Even thought I’m full of fear and being scared. Your right fear doesn’t come from God. I know that. My spirit is weak right now. I am struggling in my faith. I am tired. I will keep my head up, need to be in the word more. So I can feed on God’s word. I so very much thank you for your reply. What you wrote brought tears to my eyes. God spoke thru your words to me. Thank you! Thank you!

  27. Hi, I came across this site trying to understand my own situation. It varies quite a bit from those here in that my ex-husband had an affair over a 12 year period with the same woman..and during the same period we had our 2 boys.
    He started the affair when he started his new job, the first indication I had was when I found some very expensive presents hidden in the back of his wardrobe. He obviously denied it and this continued on for years. He would hide his phone, go away for weekends etc…every so often I would find messages on his phone when I managed to work out the password..but then he started to leave the phone open so I would think he was innocent…later on I found out that he would let her know when he was at home and so she wouldn’t call or message during these times.
    She was married too and had 2 children, but was a good 10 years older than him. He started the affair before I was pregnant with our first child and continued through till after I had my second. During the 12 odd years, he showed suspicious behavior but everytime I confronted him he told me it was in my head…to the point where I believed it really was in my head and I fought myself over it. He was regularly mean to me and never told me he loved me or hugged me but I just thought this was his way..although it hadn’t been the way before we were married. We had a regular sex life but that was the only time there was any intimacy in our lives. I craved the affection but tried not to let it affect me and to just accept it. I met her on two occasions, once when I was pregnant with my first son, and once on my brother’s wedding, a month after the birth of my second son. On the second time, I felt the vibes in the air and when he went missing from the wedding, I found them out in a corner chatting and giggling together. Of course, later he denied there was anything. Six months after the birth of my second, he moved to a different country for a really good job which she offered him, as she had moved too, he told me it was a 3 month contract and would be great money. I lied to his current employer telling them he was away because his mother was ill. The 3 month contract extended until a year later, I became frustrated at every extension. He then asked me and the kids to join him so I left my job and went out there…it didn’t go well and we fought a lot. One night I found a photo of her in his wallet and he told me it was for HR..he then cancelled my visa and that of my kids and sent me back. I had no job..I found a part time job and put the kids back in to school. Soon after he asked me to pick something out of his email, he was still abroad, I gave him what he needed from his email…but then took advantage of having access to his email to search for some proof…I found it..romantic emails between them..couldn’t breathe, the pain in my chest was so strong, thought I was dying of a broken heart…I sat in a corner and cried for days…
    I faced him and he swore that these were old emails and nothing happened really, he swore on the lives of the kids that he had never slept with her and that he would never stoop that low..
    A few months later I got a phone call from his disgruntled mistress of over ten years..over the next few days she called me and gave a an A-Z of the whole affair..things started falling into etc.
    I found out that he had had a 12 year long affair, slept with her all the way through, been on weekends away with her, had lied to her saying there was no sexual contact between us and actually he wasn’t even sure our second son was his as he’d only slept with me once in 10 years.! He was distraught by all this and I wasn’t ready to give up without a fight.. I fought to save our marriage and to win my husband back from this ‘other woman’..and I succeeded. However, once I realized it was more or less over…I realized that actually I hadn’t won at all..more like I had lost..I had lost myself. He had told me that he had never loved me and he only slept with me as it was his duty as my husband…We continued to work at the relationship..but I didn’t love him anymore and I started to hate him..I never showed it to him though..I was always cheerful and loving..But I cried when I was alone…he continued to be mean to me..and to argue with me..but I had lost all enthusiasm and when he yelled at me..I just listened..when he argued with me..I didn’t argue back. This frustrated him even more.. Eventually 3 years ago, I saw intimate messages from him to some co workers when he accidentally left his facebook logged in on my ipad. I confronted him and he said how dare I accuse him of such a thing and said it was over between us..I was life was falling down around my ankles. I lost 3kg in one week and then woke up one day and realized I could do this alone. He went away with his brother for 2 days and on returning home decided that all was well again and tried to be affectionate. I had had enough. He took the children on holiday over Christmas and left me to decide whether I wanted the relationship or not. he returned to my answer of ‘no, I want a divorce’.. he was violent and abusive and locked me in the house, taking away my car keys. Once he had calmed down he told me that he had never loved me before but now he did…..A bit too late for me. I filed a divorce, and moved out. He messaged and stalked me for months, accused me of having an affair. Tried to get my parents, friends, anyone who would listen to get involved. We finalized the divorce eventually although he had promised to drag it out and make my life hell. I had to abandon my children and leave the house due to his abusive behavior.
    I have since met someone else, and he adores me, he is affectionate to me and satisfies my craving for little hugs and kisses outside of sex. He constantly tells me how much he loves me..I do believe there are good men out there. He is great with my kids. However, I sometimes feel sad when I see regular families and wish I could just have had a regular life….with my husband and OUR kids…
    I wish everyone luck on this site and hope you will find happiness at the end of all these difficulties. No one deserves to be hurt like this and only those who have experienced this situation can understand what others feel like…

    • As much as your story is different than my own, there are so many emotions that struggles that are parallel. It’s difficult to move forward. It’s hard to forget the past and the damage done not just to our lives but also to our inner selves. It sounds like you are rebuilding and trying to make things better for you. You are right, no one deserves to be treated or hurt like this.

  28. Thank you so very much for this page. At least now I do not feel so solitary in my journey. I found out last week my husband of 8 years has been having an emotional affair for 6 months. Never physical or as difficult as some of the stories here, but very hard to live with nonetheless. He is 100% repentent, immediately called her in my presence and told her this was the end, and deleted the email account he had been using. He explained it became someone to hear positive and reenforcing thoughts from rather than the constant negativity at home…and he was right. His honesty has helped me to stop and take a step back from what we had become (partners and parents, but not lovers or spouses). Now don’t get me wrong, this rationale certainly does not excuse his behavior. It has sent my world into a complete mess – so happy to have the love and affection with my spouse back, but so sad about so many things. That it took this to get here. That he strayed and said I love you to another woman. That he always said “I would never do such a thing”. That I can never be that woman who can say “my husband would never cheat”. I will never be able to utter those words…unless I now add the word “again” to the end. I hope the trust can be rebuilt, but I am not overly hopeful.

    • Hi,
      Accepting the past and my husband’s affair was more difficult than I thought. Accepting that my husband is not a reflection of myself in our marriage was difficult. It sounds like you and your husband are communicating again. Keep those lines of communication open. My husband and I agreed that honesty is more important than protecting the other’s feelings. Now, in reflection, it’s hard to understand why we never addressed insecurities or behaviors that were damaging.
      Trust is difficult to rebuild. I often wonder if I will ever trust my husband or anyone completely again. Maybe it’s me being jaded and hurt, but I just think it’s reality. I do trust my husband but it’s not like before. Like you said, my husband always said he would never cheat because he understood the risk of losing me was too high. Yet, he did and spoke those words during his affair and never considered he would lose me during his affair. Trust has to be earned but it’s harder than we know.

  29. Pingback: My Husband Cheated | IS YOUR MAN CHEATING

  30. Hi there,
    I came across your blog the other day and I finally finished reading all the comments from this post today (I have been doing a whole lot of reading lol). I have to say you are AMAZING! With this blog you are helping so many women and I commend you for sharing your story <3. I have a similar blog and featured this post on my blog because I like it so much:).

    God Bless

  31. I am so glad I stumbled upon this blog…it has been just over a year since I found out my husband had been having an affair with a friend of ours for the last 2 years…not to mention a no strings attached sex partner prior to this affair…. We decided to try to work through it but oh my…it’s hard. We went on vacation etc with “her” and her husband and kids etc. My husband almost lost his job over this because he would go to her house during work hours…what a damn nightmare!! I suffer from tremendous triggers and have yet to find peace with this mess! He went to inpatient therapy for sex addiction and also continues with therapy 3x a week. He is also an alcoholic and quit drinking the night I found out and has not relapsed yet. He literally lived a double life. I struggle because I question what’s real and what’s not. He never talked to her again the day I found out and we have enough mutual friends I know he is being truthful with me. I still have not decided if I am stupid for staying. You get so much unsolicited advice from others who have never even been through it. I like to read about others working through it because it gives me hope. I don’t know they I will ever get over it, I just want to find peace and move forward.

    • It sounds like you are coping with multiple addictions and struggles. Remember those are his battles to fight and overcome. You are healing and trying to move forward from his betrayal. It’s hard to know if staying is the fight thing. I told myself that I would stay unless I woke up one day and my instincts told me to leave. There have been times I felt like leaving and starting my life over would make the pain stop but I realize that staying or going is still dealing and coping with the same pain. Keep taking care of yourself. Keep trying to move forward and your answer will be made clear.

  32. Thank you for sharing your story, it is very inspiring. I always thought if my husband was betraying me I would just leave him and carry on. It would be as simple as that but truth is when something like that falls on your head then you have to take a decision. Either you let this brake you and your life or you become the strongest person on the planet: for your kids, for yourself but also for your husband: what the hell went through his head? This wonderful guy I met a few years back who promised to look after me who fell in tears to my knees when I said yes, 2 wonderful children later, and the joy of a highly powerful job took this person away from me turning him into one of these bachelor kinda guy who suddenly felt the urge to living his life, with a float of attention seekers around him: women only, curiously. I don’t think the affair was ever physical but extremely emotional and even if not consumed, it was flirtitious enough to say it was highly leading this way or to thoughts in that way. after he would meet them he would be in extreme need of sex for example, doing things he would not do sually. Where would that need come from if it was not from frustrations? I had always found this a bit suspicious but never thought of anything else because we loved each other, or we were supposed to love each and respect each other anyway… until I found out some interesting messages while going through his phone and emails that he was hiding quite a few things from me. When I found out my heart was pounding like mad, if I had not been sat I would have fell on the ground, I felt sick, I was ready to punch the walls around me. It has been an extremely hard time for me from which I have not recovered yet and I am trying hard to not think too much about it because it is killing me. I felt and still feel betrayed, baffled, reduced to nothing, offended, insulted and completely destroyed. I took the findings to him but he denied it all and as a good guy he managed to make me feel bad about the fact I had gone through his personal stuff. Personal? What was I? His nanny? His mummy? Or his wife? That’s when I knew I was right to think something was extremely wrong in the way he was treating our coupleship. I was nothing more than his (our) kids’carer and an annoying step-mother kinda person who was preventing him to do what he wanted. Me: the woman who has been by his side for so long, encouragining him, supporting him, dropping her career to follow him and look after our children, I dropped all social life for him and this is what I get? After letting go of all my tears that I had inside, after many fights and arguments, I could not cry anymore, I stood up and instead of leaving him I decided to swallow my pride for a little while and work on our relationship because he could not do it alone. I only accepted to do this with myself because I was convinced I had to save our marriage and I had to bring back out that wonderful guy I had met a few years back. He was still there somewhere. I have realised I am the strongest person in this house, I have realised I am much stronger than anybody else I know. And my children, despite their Young age, know it too. They look up to me and not him, I am the one person in the house to rely on. Our family is kinda stronger now but be sure I will not forget what happened. I am not even sure it is not still happening right now because it is all quite young but I must try to trust him and I have seen good already happening. I do hope it stays that way. Good luck to you all, women in this world who are taking their relationships into their hands navigating through the hard times left by their husbands. You are not alone. Us, women, are the strongest persons on this planet. God bless you.

  33. As I read these comments I can’t help but feel sad that so many of us are going through this. It has been 14 months for me since I found out. I am still married mostly because I need the financial security with 2 kids. I am working on that. I do not know if I want to stay in the marriage- the trust is destroyed and I am exhausted worrying about him. I sometimes think life would be easier if we were divorced. All I want is to feel normal again. I want peace and enjoyment in my life again. I don’t know what that feels like. I suffer from depression daily. I hate looking at FB- anniversaries, happy birthdays all things normal people enjoy. There is no joy in my life anymore. My husband says he got drunk and she was a mistake (he worked with her) but he lied to me repeatedly about all the details. He has lied so much I believe nothing he says. He also flirts with other women (sometimes right in front of me) and has quite the wandering eye for attractive women. I can’t help but think if he acts this way in front of me- how is he without me ??? He works in another state in an industry with a lot of co workers with no morals or values. He is never home to help me heal through all of this. When he is- he is sleeping while I wash his clothes and cook for him. He takes me for granted and I have no security after all of this happened He thinks I am over reactive to all of this- I should just accept it when he says it will not happen again. This was so out of his character after 20 years of marriage- he would never have told me but I found the condoms in his travel bag. I do not trust him. I must say I think I am feeling better but honestly I think it is just I am numb to the pain now and have accepted it. I can not say that I feel confident in our marriage or that he will not cheat on me again. I do not feel that he has tried or used patience with me when I needed to talk. He just yells at me and makes me cry or ignores me. I just know that I can not go through this again when he finds another whore home wrecker. It had a devastating impact on my kids- 2 girls ages 17 and 12. They were so angry at me staying in the marriage. But I stayed to keep a roof over their head. At the time I had no job, credit, money or any family to help me or to stay with. I did get a job and am going to put back money for the future. He knew I had no options and he mistreated me after I found out. I wish I had a husband that truly embraced the sanctity of marriage, who respected me and loved me like I would him. I went on a dating website just to check out the inventory… made me sad to think of all those people divorced looking for that special person. Why can’t people respect other people anymore ? Marriages vows just don’t mean anything anymore. I am so envious when I do see the few people who have amazing marriages, they so often take them for granted. People who have somebody that treats them well and loves them are so blessed. I do not know if I will ever be able to trust another man again in my life after what I have experienced. I can only continue to pray (yes I am a Christian that has worked in my church for over 10 years) that God will take care of me through all this regardless. I will also pray for all of you that are going through this also. May God help us all.

    • Good evening, Katherine. I related to everything you wrote.From how your bot sure if you wanted to stay in the marriage, to envying other marriages (for me especially the ones I see in church with my church family) to just staying right now cause of financial reasons. I pray daily to not get angry or bitter towards my husband. There’s times I can’t help it&i want to be so selfish. I moved to his home state to support him being closer to his family while I moved away from my parents and my older two children from a prior marriage who wanted to stay with their dad. I moved and stood by his side with our own two boys who are young. 3 years later when I felt I was at my best in my career I was so happy in, and supporting our family. He gets thus new job and starts having his affair with his ol’ coworker from his prior one. Of course, he blames me job. I worked in a domestic violence and sexual assault agency. I loved it! It was my passing. He felt I put my job first, as I sit here writing this I think it was what I did what bothered him. Since we were for empowering woman and ect… to be honest my husband has a anger problem and control issue. There’s been times I called him.on it and it caused problems. Anyways, I lost my job because of the affair. When I realized he was seeing and talking/texting this other woman way too much I let my emotions take over. I forgot everything I ever taught and learned during my education and knowledge. I let it affect my job. A year later I have been unemployed. One blessing that has happened during this storm was I was blessed by having my baby girl. I thank God for a healthy baby girl everyday. This pregnancy was very emotional and draining because he still kept in touch with other woman up to the very day we had our daughter. The morning was hell, I caught him emailing her he loves her the day we were scheduled to have our daughter. The time before that was when I saw him with her the day before our baby shower. He kept lying and lying. While thru this we’ve still attending church and bibles studies with other married couples&even did counseling a few times. Now we don’t do counseling at all. Still attend church and bible study. I am thankful at least he’s still willing that cause God is the only one who can change my husband’s heart. There are times I get upset that he won’t open up to me and talk about slowly I’m coming to terms that he may never open up and talk about the “elephant” in the room. Right now God hasn’t given me peace to walk not has financial doors open for me to leave so I can take my children and start over. I keep praying for clarity&answers to what is on my heart daily. Leaving in this town is a daily struggle cause certain things trigger me. This affair has changed me and I too want to be normal again. I know I need to trust God and let go. I’m scared. I trusted my husband and he broke every promise through this past year, our vows and the word “I love you” I realized means bother to him cause he can tell another woman the same thing. All I got going for me right now is my children and I am still wanting to finish school and start a career.. yes I definitely want to do it with my husband than without. I don’t know if I can take anymore lies and his unfaithfulness. I am here cause I do love him, and God keeps showing me how to love him when even if he isn’t lovelable. God is good! With HIM anything is possible!

    • Thank you for your post. I can so understand, the fear, the distrust. Its a bitch. Like you I am a christian as well and the hardest part for me was trying to understand why this should happen to a child of God, who is also married to a “child of God?” But let me tell you one thing, I have said it in so many posts before, but your own healing starts when you forgive the SOB. Its not for him it is for you, then you release God to deal with your husband effectively. I see it almost on a daily basis although seriously, it took me 13 years to forgive. I still hurt, I still have days when I think about how he could have done this to me, but at least now, I can pray again and thats a big deal for me. Its about me now, not us, ME…… and thats not selfish, you need peace for you, you need strength for you, you need wholeness for you and God is waiting to give it back to you. I am so sorry that so many women are here hurting and trying to understand and trying to heal but I pray for God’s rich grace to help us all. You are a wonderful woman and you deserve every blessing coming your way.

  34. I have just found out that my husband of 4 years has been having sex with a few girls. One which was one of my close friends and it happened while i was in my home in our bed, they were on the couch while i was asleep. We have a daughter thats almost 4. This is the 2nd time in the past 4 years im having to deal with this. Im so torn! Someone please give me advice!

    • Since this has happened before and your husband is taking such risks (having sex in the same house you are in) then you need to find out what is propelling him to act like this? Will he go to therapy with you? Will he go on his own? Is he open to talking and answering your questions.

    • I am so sorry that you are going through this and knowing he has brought this other person in your home. I too have been there. April/May 2013 my husband started his affair. He too brought this other woman in our home while our kids and I were asleep up stairs. I found that out in emails that I was able to get into. The worse way I found out after I asked him several time before thus incident if he was sleeping with her.he kept saying no. I came home and she was in my bed n my home. That is how the reality of the affair hit me. It sucks! He says now, the affair is over. I had to put up with his lies, blaming me, and kept lying &hiding when she would see him@his job sites&when they talked for an entire year upto the day May 2nd we had our baby our baby girl is 2 months old and he says they are through. It’s very hard for me to believe it. There’s no trust there. It’s the emotional attachment that he had with her strong enough to keep hurting his wife and knew what was at stake n he kept doing it. That’s what is hard for me to get over this time. When I talk to him, he shuts down and says I just need to forget about it n let it go. He won’t talk bout it, it makes me mad cause I feel he’s still . keeping that a “special secret” of theirs, but he went to her and told her how he wasn’t happy with me, and only God knows what else. It’s been a year, a lot triggers me…When he’s on his work phone/computer/his ipad triggers me cause she knows all work #s and emails..He opened so many social network sites to keep in contact with her from another email act to snap chats. When he goes to work is strong for me cause he travels within our town and in the past she’s went to his work sites. I caught her once with him again the day before our baby girl’s baby shower. This by far was the hardest pregnancy ever! Trying to be a good mom to our 5&6 year Olds was hard, still is since I do suffer from now current anxiety to I call it PTSD from it. This blog has helped knowing that my symptoms (struggles) are all normal&its part of the healing process. It’s be cause of my vows and faith I am still here as his wife. There are times I weigh pros and cons to stay or go. When it comes down to it, God hasn’t given me that “peace” I am looking for to walk out of this marriage. I have ups and downs…there’s not a day I don’t question if he’s being truthful or not. Especially those times when he says he loves me. He also said those words to her. Day by day I am learning to slooooowly let go of things I try to control because of the affair.its about forgiving my husband everyday, every minute, every second…otherwise, bitterness and angry will take over. Don’t get me wrong, there.has been times that those two emotions have taken over and my actions weren’t loving. I am too learning how to love and see my husband as God sees my husband daily… I am broken, hurt inside. Remembering only God can change my husband heart, I only can be that praying wife God’s called me to be right now. Again, I’m still learning and healing.. what I do know it will take time. GOD IS Good! I keep in mind how beautiful and sacred marriage is for HIM.Its designed by God! Take one day at a time that’s all we can do.

  35. I found out 4 months ago my husband was spending ‘time’ with a girl 18yrs younger than us, that I had suspected for 4 months prior and questioned him repeatedly about, being told I was paranoid. He put a tracker on his phone and gave me full access to his phone. 1 month ago I found out he had continued spending ‘time’ with her. Both times I was promised honesty, I kept asking if it was more as I had a ‘Feeling’. at this time he broke it off with her and has been making more effort, but I still didn’t feel right. 2 weeks He confessed that he has had an 8month long affair with this girl that he works with and was waiting till he felt we were stronger to deal with it and that he was ‘protecting’ me. I then found out that he was giving me edited phone bills, but he was texting her constantly every work day. He would drop his phone at work then leave to be with her. Every trip he had away with work, she went with him. Although I suspected the affair I never realised the extent of it and now feel crushed. The lies he would tell to be with her, not only to me but to our kids, and his staff at work. He has always had very high work ethics and is the boss of his company. Unfortunately he can’t leave his job and he cant sack her so I have to live each day with him facing her (he is now working away from that office and only goes there if i am with him). My husband has always been my life, we had the relationship everyone envied and I was so proud of our life and our family. My husband changed in that 8 months, he became someone I never thought he could possibly be, he became selfish, angry, and he has managed to make me feel so bad about myself, just to be with her. He swears its over and he loves me and that he wants us to work and that I’m what he wants. He is promising me the world. I really don’t know if I still love him at this stage but I don’t want to throw away 26 ‘Happy’ years together. I feel so angry all the time that today I asked him to leave to give me space (which I feel nervous about). At this stage I’ve given us 6 months for him to prove himself, and to see if I can heal and move forward. If you had asked me prior to this what would I do if my Husband had an affair, my answer would be leave. Thanks for this page, it helps to hear from others going through the same thing. I don’t feel so alone. Although I’m sad it’s given me hope.

  36. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
    I have those exact same questions. I recently found out my “perfect husband” had an affair. I’ve being harrased on FB (anonymous acct) for almost a year now. At the beginning I could not understand who this person could’ve been, on the messages this person was stating she was having an affair with my husband, of course I didn’t believe it ( I was so blind) and when I asked my husband he said he had no idea who could be doing something like that. Anyways, to make the super long story, short. The girl sent me a message telling me all the details about her quick affair with my husband. Even though the affair didn’t last long, the communicate via text messages and phone conversations for a long time until her husband found the messages and that’s when she confessed. My husband lied to my face over and over. Denied everything until he had no choice but to admit everything was true. He broke down and finally confess everything and was totally ashamed and ver regretful of what he did. We started going to counseling and it helped. We are trying to move forward because we have a baby and I want my baby to have a daddy with her. He has showed me how much he loves me and he had bend over backwards to show me he made a huge mistake and he wants to be the best husband he can be. I can tell he’s really sorry for what he did and he tells over and over that if he could go back I time, he would because what he did was just a big mistake. Because he doesn’t want to lose me or his family.
    Now, even though he shows me every single day how much I mean to him, how much he loves me and how ashamed he is and how much he regrets what he did; I just can’t get the picture of my husband having sex with another woman out of my head. How can I forgive and move forward? How could I ever understand how my husband just forgot about us and got caught up in an affair? Especially for someone that he doesn’t even care for? He could’ve lost everything and he didn’t care. All the questions you have (had) and more are always in my head. How can I just erase that and be happy? I’m just tired of being depress and unhappy! I love my husband, even though he made a huge mistake. He is a great man and father. But how do I move on from this?

    • I will try to answer your questions. When your mind drifts to an image of your husband having sex with this other woman you need to refocus your brain on something else–your kids, a hobby, a joke or just laugh out loud (I actually did that–and I felt stupid but it worked for what was bothering me). Your brain can only focus on one thing at a time so don’t let it be something that hurts you. Retraining your brain not to be triggered is difficult and takes time so don’t give up if it doesn’t work after only a week or two. It took me months but I promise you–I no longer feel that surging pain like I did when thoughts of her came to my mind.
      Forgiveness takes time. Don’t feel pressured to forgive your husband. It will happen when your relationship is at that point and you are ready. Moving forward is an every day journey. Sometimes you may feel like you take one step forward and two steps back. BUT trust that if you are focused on moving forward that you will. You will find every so often you take five or six steps forward without a step back.
      Your husband did not forget about you. He did not think he would lose you or his family over these choices. If he thought about it–he rejected those feelings in order to protect himself. I am sure he felt guilty but he probably didn’t want you to know because he was so ashamed of his behavior. And, like you pointed out, with a woman who means nothing. Try to remember that–she means nothing. He’s left her in the past. I found it was much harder for me to let go of my husband’s affair partner than him. Your husband didn’t cheat to hurt you but that is unfortunately, the horrible aftermath of it all. Talk to him and tell him what you are struggling with. Your husband may be able to ease your worries and help you heal. Let him.
      It’s hard to move on from an affair but you can’t let the worst part of your life be what defines you. Eventually, I learned that I was building the marriage I wanted–not the one I just expected or fell into. My marriage may not be perfect but it’s mine. We’ve gone through hell and we continue to choose each other. We continue to love each other and that’s an incredible feat.

    • I am in the same boat. I try and think of the good times that we have now and it helps but it hasn’t eased all of my worry or doubt yet. I do believe that if we both want to fix our marriage then we will eventually have a better life.

    • I can relate to this..I’m married to a police officer too. He had a 2 year affair and also sees a sex addiction therapist…it’s completely devastating. I found out June of 2013…we made a commitment to try to work it out but it’s not fact it’s been hell. I don’t regret it though. Being a police officer myself I know first hand what this job can do to you and I saw what it did to my husband. This is NOT an excuse. But I do find affairs/sex addiction had a lot to do with control and power (really it’s a lack of but they don’t see it that way) and policing can feed that mentality. There is a book called emotional survival for law enforcement and I strongly recommend you read it because it explains what the job can do to someone. My husbands problems run deep…and the job did not help for many reasons. He now is in a group for sex addiction and alcoholism and goes religiously. We have had to make many changes. We work for the same department and unfortunately his issues caused him to be suspended for 30 days and the local media published the story of his affair. Being a police officer everything you do can become a public spectacle. The whole community knew and also our children. He lost so much respect from peers and of course family. It does get better but it still lingers in my mind daily. I know that I will reach a point that I am at peace with it, or need to be done with it. But 1.5 years in I know I am not ready to make that decision and that’s ok. Hang in there!

  37. The day I was pregnant ws the day I got to know my husband is cheating….im really disappointed up to now and alredy 7month pregnant….since seven months m cring cring cring like a hell….i wanna leave him but he still needs me…dnt knw why…or why mens needs to play double games…..ur blog is same as my story……bt m still 27 year old and suffering. …Please help me to heel

    • Hi,
      Why does your husband need you? Why do you want to leave? You need to take care of yourself first. You have a baby that will be here soon and I know how difficult it is to be trying to deal with life after an affair. Have you been able to express to your husband what you need? Do you think you could forgive him or do you feel like that’s impossible? It’s okay to walk away. It must be very difficult being pregnant and going through all this…. take care of yourself.

    • Lakshi, I am truly sorry to hear what your going through and knowing that your pregnant. Being pregnant is hard on our bodies physical and somewhat emotionally, going thru a pregnancy with knowledge of your husband’s affair is horrible. I know all too well. My husband stayed in contact with the other woman the entire time I was pregnant upto the day we had our daughter. Now he days it’s over (the affair) I don’t trust him at all. It’s hard to know if he’s telling the truth or not. I think the biggest hurt is that he stayed in contact with her when this was suppose our time with our baby girl. It’s been 16 months since.i found out about the affair. Some days are.good and some are.rough. I think being not pregnant has helped me think a Lil clear on what I want for myself and my children. I love my husband that’s the bottom line. I’m not happy, simple fact is.cause.i dont trust a word he says. He says he loves me. He her. Do.i believe it?? Not really. I pray over our marriage daily and ask God to heal our marriage. It’s tough even now to believe/trust in myself and others.

  38. My husband now keeps a password on his phone after I discovered the affair. The other woman whom he had a two month affair with moved to another country. They stayed in touch for a few weeks but now it seems she’s moved on. The problem is he’s been getting calls fro a different woman. I’ve seen a few chats and she cut the call when I answered his cellphone. I’ve asked him several times who she is but he can’t give me a straight answer. Its only been two months since I’ve decided to stay and make the marriage work but now I feel like such a fool for staying .

  39. My D-day was 3 weeks ago..the day before our 9 year anniversary. He had affairs with 2 women in 2 different states (he travels for his job). One was a weekend ‘thing’ and the other one was more of an emotional affair…though they did have sex on two different occasions when he was in that state. But they were talking on the phone daily/nightly. When I found out…well how I found out is I was going to pay our cell phone bill and I clicked on his call log for what ever reason and saw calls to a number at 12:30am, 4:00am ect and for 170 mins. That did not sit well with me so I texted the number and asked her who she was…and of course she asked me who i was but I didnt say anything and she replied w/ does this have to do w/ husband? I said yes and I called her. This woman tells me that he had told her he had been divorced for 5 years. She was literally crying because she also felt betrayed..WTF? Granted she didn’t know he was married…which I thought we were happily married (with our differences none the less). She started sobbing to me telling me that she thought they were exclusive and how could he do this to her-he was everything she ever wanted in a man. Mind you they talked for 3 months. She had told him she loved him and she said she he had told her he loved her. I was livid, pissed, hurt, shattered, numb…I had no clue what to say or do. I didnt cry I just trembled-shook uncontrollably. I called him right after I got off the phone w/ her and asked him..(he was working) and he said so nonchalantly yea I did cheat on you. Like he didnt even care. My world just crashed into a million pieces. I hung up on him and didnt talk to him till he texted me at 9pm that night and said he was sorry and he loved me and that he never wanted to hurt me and if I will have him back that he wants to work on our marriage. A TEXT…not even a phone call. so i texted him back a told him to be a MAN and call me if he really wanted to work this out and be honest w/ me. i gave him 2 mins which felt like a lifetime and i called him. We yelled, screamed and cried-he told me the reason he did it because he felt that I was not into him 100% and he felt lonely…basically he needed a hug and a manpon!!! I am sorry I am doing all this home stuff by myself and I had a little animosity towards him…he didnt have to deal w/ the daily struggles of kids, house duties ect. We had gotten into it about 6 months ago cuz he came home and I didnt want to have sex w/ him cuz i was literally drained and mad that he got to leave the chaos the next day. well he took it as I didnt love him anymore and ran with it. Mind you that is how it had been for the last year and half….but was just brought up then. I dropped it after that never imagining that he would EVER cheat on me. We were the couple that people went to w/ there relationship problems cuz we were so ‘happy’!! yeah right!! well that was all on a Tuesday and he was coming home on Friday…we decided that we needed to go away because we didnt need to discuss this at home w/ the kids there. That weekend away was the best weekend we have ever had…we laughed cried, yelled screamed (again-just in person this time) We decided to work on our marriage go to counseling and just communicate better. I fell in love w/ my husband all over again that weekend. I am still hurt, shattered and numb over all this and cry daily about it. but I am hoping w/ time I recover and get past it all. I try and picture my life w/out him and I love this man w/ all my heart. But he knows that we are on a trial period right now and if at any time i realize i cant handle it or it becomes to unbearable then he will leave and give me my space. Everything in these earlier post I can relate to and it makes me feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.. Thank you all for sharing your stories. :)

  40. First I’d like to say THANK YOU for sharing your story. This is the first blog I came across just a few days after I found out about my husbands infidelity, and besides our therapist. This is one of the only things that helps me get through my day.

    We have been married for 16 years, and have three amazing kids.

    My d-day was September 15th 2014. My husband and I had been getting up at 5am every morning together. I stared a great workout program and left the house at 5:30. We would spend a little time in the morning, and he would get the kids up and out to school before he started his work day at 10am as a Police Officer. This morning I had gathered up all my stuff and began to walk out of the door when he got a text on his phone, it was sitting right on the ledge. It was 5:30 am so I glanced at it so I could let him know what was up. He was down in the basement. The first sentence was “hey baby, and then something about sorry she couldn’t stop by to see him last night….” I think my heart stopped right there..It began beating so hard and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was in complete shock.

    I stood in the living room and waited for him to come upstairs He finally came up and said “bye! have a good workout” and I said “um, I just saw something on your phone? you need to come here right now, read it and explain what this is” He denied anything and told me he had no idea, that it must be a wrong number, but I knew something was wrong by the look he had on his face when he walked over and read it. I was in such shock! I asked him if he was cheating on me and he said “omg no! I would never cheat on you!” I left, and that day was a blur. We texted throughout the day and he denied anything…On his way home from work he asked if I would meet him somewhere so we could talk about it without the children around. He admitted to me that he had lied that morning, I broke down hysterically sobbing, I haven’t felt such horrible excruciating pain ever! he told me he had met a woman a few days before and they were texting and flirting, and he cut it off completely..He didn’t admit everything to me that night, I think seeing me cry hysterically over that was a surprise to him for some reason. Through the next few days he admitted to meeting up to 6 different women through the last 3 years that he would get them to send him shots of their breasts. they would flirt via text, sometimes while I was in the same room. One of the most painful things is he met up with two of them for a blow job. These two “relationships” lasted about 2 years. when those ended, thats when he started finding more women to fulfill his need.

    We had a great marriage, we had sex at least 1-2 times a week, we have three kids both work full-time and would spend as much time together as we could. I had no idea, when I say I had no idea…I HAD NO IDEA! The only “sign” was he kept his phone off, but never freaked out if I needed to use it for anything when we were together. I have no idea when, how, or why this happened. In the police community there are women who throw themselves at cops, he used to tell me about others that cheated and how it destroyed their lives but yet he fell for the temptation.

    He has begged me to give him another chance, He is very remorseful for his actions and I believe him. We have been closer now then I think we have ever been before, everything is out there and raw. He has not blamed me for anything and tells me to not blame myself. This doesn’t stop the most excruciating pain I feel daily. I can’t get it off my mind. He has told me he will do anything to keep us together, and so far he has done everything he should right. I have access to all accounts, phones, etc. We are going to couples counseling and he is seeing a sex addiction therapist. We talk every night for hours, he has answered every question multiple times and is willing to tell me everything

    I think about it non-stop, I don’t trust him, and am not sure I ever will. I am so sad, and trying to keep this from my children as I don’t want them to feel like they are going to loose us. They need the stability right now and I have no idea if I am going to stay or go. I still love my husband but he is a different person to me now. I just want the pain to subside. I wish this never would have happened…I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone.

    • Hi,
      I am reading every word you wrote and remembering feeling exactly how you feel. Learning to trust again takes time. I was like you and required complete transparency until I didn’t feel like I needed it anymore. I would comb through his emails, check his cell phone, check our cell phone bill for suspicious phone numbers and stop by his work unannounced. I believe at the time it was all I could do to stay sane. Just like you, I loved him and I stayed because we have a family.
      You can rebuild. You can heal. It takes time. Take care of yourself. Don’t forget to use your voice and make sure your needs are met. You will need to take care of yourself first. Take care.

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