The haunting aftermath of infidelity

Image

Yesterday I was cleaning up our bedroom and I found a piece of paper that was a rough draft of a letter my husband gave me for Mother’s Day last year (i.e. during his affair). Reading through the rough draft I was reminded of how I was brought to tears when I first read this letter from him last May. He wrote about moments in our lives where he realized how much he loved me… some were funny jokes I played on him and some were sincere moments that defined our marriage. At the end of the letter he wrote that he would spend the rest of his life living his love and respect for me.

Reading these words now is like a slap in the face.

When he got home I asked him: “How do you write those words when you were disrespecting me completely?” His response was that he kept his affair so separate in his mind from our marriage. He said a cheating spouse does not believe his affair is affecting his marriage or feelings at all. I guess, he justified his behavior by thinking that what he was doing had nothing to do with our marriage and he wasn’t hurting me.

My response? Then why am I here? If you can so easily separate yourself from our marriage and believe that your relationships with other people (sexual or not) have no impact on our marriage–then why the fuck am I here? I realized my response was without thought that he knows better now. Sometimes I forget that an explanation of his thought process during the affair is not the same as it is now. I let myself cool down before continuing the discussion.

It’s impossible for the betrayer to understand the pain the faithful spouse feels. I try to look forward… move forward and not dwell on the details that will cause me pain. But it is haunting to think that your best friend and husband could sleep with another woman and profess his love in numerous emails to her and then come home and look me in the eye. Sit down to dinner with our children. He went to my parent’s home and pretended like he was giving me infinite love and happiness while he was destroying our marriage almost daily. If not with sex, with an email, a text or phone call.

I ask him how the guilt affected him but I guess he repressed the guilt. He felt it but he didn’t focus on it. I asked him why he never came to me and said he was being tempted to cheat. The first time he slept with his AP was not unexpected. She told him what she wanted and he tried to dismiss it for a few weeks. There were a multitude of choices he could have made but heleft his, mine and our children’s fate in her hands.

decisions

I saw the email she sent him saying she’d be working from home on a certain day if he wanted to stop by and see her. He told me when he drove there he knew they were going to have sex. He had been considering cheating on me for about a month with her… or considering having sex with her  because she was stipulating this was what she wanted (needed) for their friendship to continue. He says he told her that he didn’t want to have a sexual relationship with her but yet he ended up in her bed. So why couldn’t he tell me anything? Once he told me he considered telling me after she kissed him that it had happened but he was afraid I would freak out and think he was cheating and possibly kick him out. So he didn’t tell me about the kiss and instead had the affair. How does that make any sense?

Writing this post is making my eyes well up with tears. I fear living the rest of my life with this pain in the bottom of my heart. I am afraid that his actions will never not haunt my mind.

I told him last night that we’ve been married for twelve years now… I planned to be married to him for the rest of my life… fifty? sixty more years? This is 1/5 or less of our marriage and he was tempted and cheated. The pain of being betrayed is the most horrible destruction of a person that can happen in life.

Image

68 thoughts on “The haunting aftermath of infidelity

  1. I can identify completely with this post. My husband and I have also been together for 12 years, he spent 7 of it cheating on me. His affair was also with someone he worked with, they also kissed first, it was premeditated. She told him she wanted to have sex and then made his hotel reservation for him when they traveled out of town for business at the same location. Our therapist said that men especially can compartmentalize, they put the bad stuff they do in a box in the
    back of their mind and come home and act as if nothing wrong ever
    happened. It’s such a twisted way to live. My husband also said that he did not think that it would affect the marriage because he didn’t
    think he’d ever get caught. I don’t know how they do it. I guess I know why, they need their ego stroked by a whore, they seek excitement, something with no strings attached. It’s disgusting. I hate men.

    • I guess it’s comforting to hear other women say their husbands say the same thing… I know my husband is not taking anything up but it’s so crazy. I guess as a woman and a mother I can’t imagine ever not considering my husband or kids in EVERYTHING I do.
      My husband told me last night that he never felt a rush of excitement being with his AP–he said there was a bit of forbidden/new excitement–but nothing that gave him butterflies or compelled him to go back. He even said that the longer they were together the less he wanted anything to do with her… I realized in my husband’s life he’s never broken up with any girlfriends. We were talking and discovered that he always knew when the relationships needed to end but wouldn’t say the words. Out of fear of hurthing them? So he would wait until his girlfriend realized it was over. Then he could walk away. I feel like he was waiting for her to walk away too. Does that make sense? Ugh. Too much thinking.

      • Yes that makes complete sense. My husband has said similar things, that his AP acted desperate. The second to the last time she was with him she had approached him early in the evening at a work event, he told her NO it’s not going to happen. She told him she knew he would get drunk enough and do it later. She was right, he got black out drunk and his friends dumped him in his room. Not sure how they hooked up but he has no memory of it at all, she says they were together and the phone records show they were. He’s said he was not attracted to her and did not like her. He never took her to dinner, or got her a gift, or a card or anything. No matter how many times he told her it was over she kept after him. It did not end until she told her husband under pressure. Crazy…

      • My husband too–he never gave her a gift, a card, or even a love note or anything. She gave him gifts (she spent $300 on one gift-why???). Why?
        When my husband and I returned from a long weekend away together (alone w/o the kids) she asked him if we had sex. He said he was so irritated by the question and he looked at her like she was a dumbass and said: “Yes, a lot.” It was that vacation that made him realize he was fucking up (I found out soon after because he began to unravel). But I saw her emails to him after our vacation saying: “It’s none of my business and I know your relationship with your wife is off-limits. I know how much you love her and I never meant to pressure you.” After our vacation together he slept with her three more times…. three times too many but since it was over a span of two months…. I guess better than his track record.
        Her entire presence in his life was so stupid. She was going through a divorce (10 years of marriage) and the first thing she did after kicking her husband out of their house was tell my husband she wanted to have sex with him. What a fucked up whore.

    • My husband of 13 years has been cheating on me in one form or another. First I discovered porn on the computer. Money was scarce. I worked full-time & thought the same of him. His income was very inconsistent. He led me to believe that the money her earned was paying for product/repairs in his business. During a week-long work training, I felt something wasn’t right. I assumed he was looking at porn while I was gone. Approximately a week after I returned home, I found a brochure with pictures of 1/2 naked women and their phone numbers. I confronted my husband,& he denied knowing anything about it. A male coworker called the main line, etc., & gave me the news I was expecting. A few years later I learned that he had applied for credit cards, and was in debt for approx. $20,000.00. He made excuses, stating, “I used the money to pay bills, etc.” Yea, right you did, another lie. Long story short-he visited “sexually oriented business for massages with “happy endings!” I found perverted messages on his cell phone. I even caught him taking pics of his genitals with his cell phone. He lied about everything. He never came clean until I hounded him to death. The next disturbing information I found, was someone asking him for illicit drugs for “the best blow jobs of his life, & all the business she could muster. There is more, but I won’t give anymore information
      I was duped by a narcissist, a psychopath. I loved this man! I talked to him until I was blue in the face. He showed no remorse, made excuses, & literally turned my life upside down. It’s been a year and he hasn’t attempted to contact me. Prior to divorcing I gave him an ultimatum-get professional help for sex-addiction. He told me I was blowing all of it out of proportion. Strip clubs, prostitution? I begged him to get help; he said, “l’ll go to counseling for you & me, but not for that other. I believe if a person has a problem, he can change it himself without other people knowing about it.” It was that line that “drove” me to get the divorce. I lived a complete lie for 13 years with the man I hoped to be with now, & through eternity. I have never felt emotional pain, sorrow, sadness, & depression, that if not for the Grace of God, I would still be in shock, robotic-like, hiding behind a boulder away from everyone. Who do you trust when the man you love betrayed & deceived all of us, family and friends. The multiple triggers I face daily, along with constant intrusive thoughts that cloud my mind. I cry multiple times a day. I pray that he will have a change of heart, and come home with a repentant heart, a willingness to work hard to be a family again. The reality of that happening is lessening. I want so badly to contact him, to hold him, & tell him that I love him, despite it all. What’s wrong with me? I could use a “kind” pep-talk. Could he change? I guess no one knows that, but God.

      • Kathy, I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. I know it’s like living in a slow hell.

        Can he change? The answer is, only after he’s able to admit he has a problem and only when he’s ready too. They “the addict” usually have to hit rock bottom before their willing to change, that rock bottom is different for everyone. For my husband it was being extorted and the possibility of losing his job and marriage. Sex addiction brings with it a boat load of shame, it’s not like drug addiction which we hear about on the news everyday or alcoholism which we see glorified in movies and on TV. Sex addiction is much darker, in my opinion, than some of the other addictions. I can recommend the book, Out of the shadows, but beware it’s hard to read.

        Right now you need to focus on yourself, go to therapy on your own, join a support group. Most Nar-anon and Al-anon groups welcome all, celebrate recovery is another really good option.

        Living with an addict is not a picnic, there are times when I still wonder if I did the right thing by staying and my husband has over 2 years sober. Just because they get clean doesn’t mean you don’t have to live with what they’ve done. The emotional baggage is forever.

        Also if you haven’t yet, get tested for everything. You can’t be too sure about your own health and well being.

        Remember take care of yourself first. Things will work out the way there’re supposed to. If that means he gets clean and comes back, great. If he doesn’t it means there’s something better out there for you.

        Keep your chin up. You can do this.

      • Your story sounds heartbreakingly.. familiar! My ex husband and I were married 7 yrs when I discovered the affair. Life changed in an instant. In one moment, the flip open of his phone…it all became so clear as to why he had been telling me that he no longer loved me. He only cared about about me because I was the mother of his child…the betrayal I felt when seeing the whole picture! Some married whore at his work was worth more to him than his family. More than our sweet lil girl. Still now, over 2 1/2yrs later, I cannot even wrap my mind around what he did to us. The pain was unbearable. I cried every day for almost a yr. Lost over 80 lbs in the 8mths of the divorce. All of my pain, my daughter’s pain, he never had any remorse. None. How does a man who has shared so many yrs with someone, a man who has a child with that woman…how does life just go on for them?? So not only was I worth nothing to him, but I wasn’t even worth any regret. I guess that hurts me the most. He too was a porn addict. A characteristic that I will run from in the future. It ruins lives, and opens the door to the mindset that its ok to look, if noone knows. Before long, its ok to touch, if noone knows…It all makes me sick. So many families are forever torn apart. People cannot seem to just be be content.

    • my husbamd of 33 years had an affair with a older woman for 3.5 years.
      hours of daily calls, texts, and dinner and sex once a week. He told her all alongone day it would end, if i found out there would never be any contact again.her son lived at home and met my husband, she introduced both her kids and made them part of this filthy sinful act.Her house was a whore house, once her son would leave for the night they would have sex. she woks at childrens hospital, and knew we had a daughter with down syndrome. when i had to go out of town she planned her evenings as my daughter was home alone. i never new there were such evil devils in the world. my husband had no problem dropping her, he describes her as a toy, no feeling no love. once she tool him down the path she held it over his head. He is doing everything possible to keep me. i know she could not touch his soul, she told me that he loved me, and new there was no future. yet this was her second affair, we call her the black widow, shes back to leading her lonely life cause she cant find a man of her own.

    • My girlfriend cheated one me with COUNTLESS men throughout a mere 9 month relationship, love found so early. please DO NOT say you hate men, women can be equally as hurtful, finding 9 guys to fuck in 9 months is disgusted and I am still disgusted by this day

    • It’s sick right? There you are at home taking care of HIS children and he’s off planning his next rendez-vous. My husband told me she would call him on Fridays and see what his work schedule was and then “pencil” him into her fucking calendar for a day the next week for sex. He says he tried to ignore her phone call but if he didn’t answer she would go to his business to plan. Fucking whores.

  2. Ditto to all..Haunting is the perfect description. Will I ever really get over it?. Don’t think so…Can I live with it…not sure….it’s only been 6 (of the longest) months in my life. Time will tell if he’s truly worthy of me, if he continues to make amends, make progress.
    Otherwise, I’ll cut my losses and join a female commune. Maybe Mom’s right, they’re only good for lays, anything else is bullshit and we’re deluding ourselves. Time for a new relationship paradigm.

    • Hi I know exactly how you feel ive been nearly 2years after finding out , ive now decided my marriage is not worth my sanity im now ready to jump ship ive now met someone that is giving me peace ftom my head maybe not the route I should have taken , and I would never if he hadnt shagged whores , but im happier now than I have been the last few years , I wish you luck

  3. Ladies, don’t forget the bitter 2012 divorce of Melissa Etheridge & Tammy Lynn Michaels b/c of Melissa’s alleged affair!

  4. My husband and I have been married 23 years. He had an affair in our fifth year of marriage after our first child was born. I stayed with him but never felt the same love or respect for him ever again. We are divorcing now. I honestly wish I would have left back then. Nobody talks about the long lasting effects of an affair. For me, it changed me as a person. I was so in love and trusting…now I feel I was stupid and naive. I wish you luck with your marriage, but wanted to give you the perspective of how deep and lasting the effects really are.

    • Thank you for sharing your experience and life story with me. I think that’s my fear (or every betrayed spouse’s fear) that we’ll go through all this healing to look back years later realizing we gave up too much of ourselves. Being aware of your story is helpful to me. It tells me the recovery work is not going to end.

      • Just to explain a little more…since we are divorcing (not related to infidelity), I have been doing a lot of reflection about my entire marriage. My husband had a good job, we owned our first home, and had a six month old baby boy. My husband was having an affair with one of his married employees. Her
        husband called me and told me all the details. I didn’t even suspect it at all. Because he was her manager, he was fired from his job due to the affair and inappropriate conduct at work. My husband risked everything for this affair. He
        was very sorry, and never strayed again. He said the reason for the affair was all thepressure of a new baby, new house etc… I personally believe there is never a reason good enough to betray someone like that. I didn’t realize when I stayed that although as time went on I did get over the affair. I just could not get that same feeling of love or respect preaffair. It was not a conscious decision on my part. I changed as a person. You can get past the pain and you will one day. It is hard, but possible. I just wish I would have realized that the pain back then that although the pain is gone, my perception of him would never return. Feeling this way is unfair to me, but also unfair to my spouse who never lied or strayed again. Affairs are devastating to families. I wish more men would realize the long term implications.

      • Yes… all the things I read now about affairs that I wish I had known beforehand. No one ever thinks it will happen to them. And it’s rare for a wayward ever thinks to look for reasons not to cheat before the affair.

        I hope you find the love and happiness that you deserve.

    • I feel the same way, we have been marraird for 26 years and 16 years he has been with another woman the same woman, he claims to hate with a passion, neer bought her anything neer took her out, i dont know what they had, but it makes me sick it has been 17 months sence I found out on his birthday, but sex is really hard for me, because i seem to put my head in a plae where it doesnt belong and I end up felling pissed off and angry with him over and over, it does have a long lasting affect, I hear about all these marraiges making it and even better, but im trying to figure out if it is still woth it. I cant stand the pain.

      DT

  5. my husband had an affair 14 months ago with a woman 12 years older than me (52) im 40. i stayed with him but will never ever trust or love him like i did, and why would i, he betrayed me and he became someone i would never have chosen to be with. he says he loves me but im afraid that it will all end. my days and nights are filled with the images of him and her, of the times he spent with her, of the constant texts he sent her, i would even go as far to say i hate him as much as i hate her right now. some of that is because i never got to have it out with his whore, some of it is because i just dont believe what he says anymore, and some of it is because i really want out now just to keep my sanity, he is a bastard whom i cant forgive, affairs do cause hurt and pain and anguish and for me mental problems, my life will never be the same again, i have been forced to become someone i am not and i hate my life but im trapped

    • My heart goes out to you because I can hear so much pain and anger in your post. I hope you can find a way to let go of this hate so that you can be stronger and happier. You shouldn’t suffer in misery for his actions. There is so much pain, anger and hatred as a result of infidelity and it’s toxic. You can be happy again. Pursue your dreams, what you want and need. You can move forward, with or without your husband. Do what you need to move forward…

    • I feel your pain, i am also feeling this way though we are still together and i keep telling myself i am going to try i am still very angry! I have had it out with the whore and i still don’t feel better. I have called and told my husband every name in the book and i still don’t feel better. I stay for my 11yr old, she does not deserve all this and he says he doesn’t want to lose me but it is not the same anymore. I don’t have the same respect and love for him. I don’t know if i will ever get the happiness back i once had but i am going to try and at least for now i want things calm for m daughet.I understand you completely how you feel and i am so sorry because it is awful being stuck.

    • I know exactly how you feel, I have been married for 26 years and two years ago found out that my husband had several affairs. We are still together but I longer feel the same about him. When I asked why he said it was offered and he couldn’t turn it down. Really is that all me and the kids were worth some whore in a layby. I have to say I don’t
      hate him or the other women but I do feel trapped and I just want to be able to be myself again free of the constant pain that continues to rear its ugly head. Why is it that after he cheated and now I am happy to set him free to have countless whores to won’t leave.

      • I think that was one of the hardest things for me to overcome–that when sex was offered my husband did not turn it down. I have been able to let go of that pain but it took a long time. What pushed me through that pain was realizing that he didn’t cheat because he didn’t love me anymore. He didn’t cheat to hurt me or our kids. He cheated because he was weak. He said yes because he needed to feel something that he was afraid to ask me for. That’s not an excuse and it doesn’t make it better…. trust me. But eventually, I was able to let go of the pain.

  6. Hi Daphne,

    Thanks for reading… I have discovered the answers to my questions throughout my blog. You are welcome to read through it but I am not sure what you are really looking for. Are you in a similar situation?

    All your comments dead on and I would be a fool if I haven’t spoken all these words. The thing about affairs is that men rarely process the consequences when they are involved in them. My husband knew he was self-destructing but he did’t see how it would ever impact me. Think of an affair like an addiction to alcohol or drugs. When my husband was stressed with work and felt overwhelmed with the pressure on him to save a failing business he met his (future) AP. My husband’s affair was the most horrible thing that has ever happend to me and him. You can make assumptions about a man involved in an affair and assume they should know better and see what they are doing. But does an alcoholic comprehend their drinking will destroy other people–or can they only see what it’s doing to themselves? He didn’t do this to me–he did it to himself. I am his wife and it impacted our relationship. It has stripped us down to the raw, barren studs we built our marriage on. But it didn’t destory us. The bond we share is much deeper than his affair. I wouldn’t stay in this marriage if it wasn’t.

  7. Reading this felt like reading my own thoughts. I live everyday with an ache in my heart. The worst part about it is I didnt dislose to his boss or family that he was sleeping with a girl twenty one years his junior who was his staff member for twelve months. During this time the more evidence I found the more he turned it around on me. He still thinks its ok to talk to her on the phone and lies about it and says that its nothing. Some days i just feel so low! I stayed to work it out but whilst i am making the effort and planned holidays ans weekends he just doesnt try….its like its my fault and i have to fix things.

    • Hi,
      I am sorry you feel like you are trying to move forward, forgive and rebuild the marriage but your husband has stopped making the effort. If he’s still contacting his AP then it is difficult for you to trust him. It’s not your fault–you never chose to cheat. You never chose to lie. He needs to listen to your needs and support you now if this will work. He’s got to break through whatever walls he’s built around himself to protect himself from seeing what he is doing. No one benefits from infidelity but the person who is destroyed the most is the wayward spouse. Yes, it hurts like hell to be the betrayed spouse–but you can keep your head held high that you did nothing wrong. Sometimes when men are involved they feel like their actions will have not have consequences for the people they love and they are only risking themselves. I hope you can find a way to work on this together….

    • Infidelity is so painful. The misconception about it is that it is a reflection of the betrayed spouses inadequacy. In reality it is a reflection of the cheaters inadequacy.
      I’ve come to realize through this healing process that the most painful part is that I am not married to whom I thought I was. I projected my own integrity and respect for that type of charector onto my spouse. What I’ve come to realize is that while I was hoping to have someone else be that person for me, I had that person all along – in myself.
      Take a look at
      http://www.healingafteraffairs-Bloomington.info
      It does a great job of explaining why betrayed spouses make themselves feel responsible for a spouses affair.
      Yes, I am profoundly changed forever, but the change also came with me learning to love myself. I thought I did before, but realize I didn’t unconditionally. I used to want a strong, reliable, man of integrity. I still want that in someone else, but I know I’ll always have it from myself if someone else doesn’t meet the mark.
      I do feel stronger and I appreciate myself. I no longer wish it could have been different, because I’ve learned so much about me in this process. I know regardless of what my spouse does, I’ll be okay.

      • “I projected my own integrity and respect for that type of character onto my spouse.”
        I love that line you wrote. I feel absolutely the same way. I always believed that and now I understand that I must rely on myself for strength and integrity too. Thanks for you comment and link above.

      • Great website. Thanks for posting. I agree infidelity is a reflection of the betrayers inadequacies. And I too have grown and re-discovered myself in this most painful process. While I have grown stronger, I am forever changed. But for me it wasn’t a matter of projecting my values, rather more crushing disappointment in his not having enough personal strength and integrity to uphold the values we had shared and discussed, especially when in distress. Isn’t that the test? When in crises the “real” you comes out? And the “real” him was so utterly disappointing. But he will spend the rest of his life regretting it and striving to be better and do better. Although our relationship has never been better, I know that should he not continue to treat me with the love and respect I deserve, I can walk and I will be fine.

  8. My Dday was May 2013, i found old emails and texts from 2012 and some from 2013. I had an affair 10yrs ago and we worked through things and he “forgave me” and our marriage was perfect. He was loving attentive and everything perfect like a prince charming. Ok so last year the guy i had an affair with contacted me by text and i replied and had a conversation with him but ultimately i told him i was very happy with my life and i had no need to go back to what i did with him and i wasn’t that person anymore. My husband saw texts on phone bill but i had deleted before he saw them so he thought i was seeing him again but i wasn’t i was very in love with my husband and my family was the most important thing to me. So we talked about htings and we agreed that nothing was going on and we moved on with our lifes as usual. Him being sweet and nice and everything perfect as always. Then this yr i find he started something with a girl from his work that was also married right after he found my texts last yr. He said it was for pay back and i read email to her telling her payback was a MF and i guess she was stupid enough to let him use her for payback. I found her husband and showed him emails from her to my husband and from my husband to her. So now its done between my husband and her and he tells me he never stopped loving me and he didn’t care about her and she was just a friend, i said that is not a friend if she tries to hurt your family by doing this with you! A friend would give good advice knowing you wanted payback. My thing is why lie to me and act like i am forgiven and be perfect with me while you want payback. He could have left instead of making me think everything was perfect! He didn’t want to tell me because things had been over between them for a while and he thought if i didn’t find out it was ok because he never planned on leaving me or anything. I don’t understand!! Im so hurt and everything else, i wish he would have done things differently and made sure he wanted to risk his family and my love before doing anything and he had the choice to do the right thing and he should had made damn sure i was having an affair before he did anything and if he felt that strong about me having another affair then he should have left and we could have worked things out differently because i wasn’t doing anything and now all this has caused our marriage to be on the rocks and how does 2 wrongs make it right!

    • I knew what i wanted in life and that was my husband and my family and then this happened, im so confussed and hurt and now i don’t feel the same and i don’t trust him, i don’t feel close to him like i used to. We are together but i am not happy. I know it has only been 6 months and i am giving it time to see if i feel better about things. It is just crazy how you can be so in love with someone and trust them completely and be crazy about them and be so happy and then all of a sudden all that is gone….. :(

      • I know most of you have probably not been through a situation like mine, and might be saying i deserve it for cheating also but it had been 10yrs and i tried so hard to show my husband that all i wanted to do is spend the rest of my life with him and that i loved him so much and i would do anything for him he was my best friend, and for him to say its ok i forgive you and i love you and work things out and then for him to turn around and backstabb me like that and not care that i was trying so hard and he knows i was because he admits to me he saw everything i was trying to do and he knew i wasn’t doing anything but he still lwent ahead and did what he did, how couldn i ever trust or be in love with taht again.

    • I don’t want to assume anything about your husband but I don’t think that he was pretending that he had forgiven you and loved you before his affair. I think he truly did/does love you. The pain from an affair is like a scab healing and every so often something happens to rip the scab open and it starts bleeding again. Even though ten years had passed, it’s possible the fear of those text messages ripped off his scab. I wouldn’t know what to do if my husband’s AP resurfaced–but I would hope that I would be able to confront him. Why didn’t you tell your husband about the texts either? It seems like you both were so afraid of how the other person would react you suppressed the truth. I can relate because when my husband was involved with his AP I suppressed my fears and suspicions for months before I started trying to find answers and snooping through his stuff. I look back at that time and I regret not just approaching my husband with how I felt–even if it was disappointment or fear.
      I am sorry you guys are going through this again in your marriage…. Take care.

      • Thank you for your response. I was afraid to tell him about the texts because i knew he would get upset and think something of it and also because i knew i had done the right thing by not accepting that other person back in my life and i cut him off and told him i wanted nothing to do with him and that was that so i didn’t want to hurt my husband by making feel in any way that i was doing something wrong or make him think anything because to me it was nothing. I think he should have confronted me as well and we could have talked about it or done something different instead of him doing this to me and our relationship going in circles. He is sorry and i beleive he is but the aftermath is the hardest thing to deal with. I now want him ot leave his job because she is there and i know he loves his job and it sustains our family and we live well but i am not happy if he is there and she is there, that peels the scar off of my emotions daily. I wish he would have thought of the consequences before, it is even affecting his job opportunities now. He is willing to leave but now i am broken because i don’t want to cause his unhapiness leaving a job he loves and going somewhere he might not be happy. We are still together after seven months and it is really hard but here we are. I beleive in keeping my family together and our 11yr old does not deserve any of this, it was both of us who did what we did and now it is time to focus on our family and our happiness. Wish me luck i hope we can move forward and be happy again. Thank you!

      • I understand the entire job thing. My husband’s AP does not work with him but she lives about 1/2 a mile from his business and I don’t trust her. When I go to see him at work I get anxiety. When I don’t hear from him right after I send a text–I worry. I told him this week he really needs to find something else and for the first time, I also feel he should take his career in another direction (meaning giving up his business… and passion). I need stability. We’ll see what happens….
        I feel like you have an advantage to healing–because you can understand how unrational the decision is to cheat. I know that probably doesn’t help because pain is pain. I wish you guys the best of luck–you’ll be okay. :)

  9. It’s the hardest thing to deal with what we are going through and, like me, I’m sure we all have good days and bad days (or weeks). My husband had an affair for 3 years with a coworker which ended 4 years ago and we agreed to work through it and try again, we have 5 children together. Recently I found that it never really stopped -after a few months they were seeing each other again, although he claims they never had sex. Understandably, I’m not sure i believe him.

    That is my biggest problem now. How do I believe anything he ever says when he went back. He says he was under a lot of stress and talking with her was the only time he could completely switch off. He says he wants to be with me. We have been married for more than 20 years but 7 of them, a third, he was with her. I am so sad and finding moving forward so difficult.

    • Hi Sam,
      Trust is such a difficult thing to earn back once it’s lost. Sometimes I think I am okay trusting my husband and then i am triggered by him working late or something and I realize I am not quite there yet.
      Keep talking to your husband… keep asking him questions. Hopefully, he can understand that she is not easing his stress if she is asking/wanting him to lie to his wife and children. Those things are adding to his stress levels. My husband’s affair began by talking to his AP about her stress, problems, etc and he didn’ think there was any risk for an affair. But she started making sexual comments that made him uncomfortable but he wasn’t willing to make her stop because it fed his ego. But eventually she put him in a situation where he felt like in order to keep her friendship he had to sleep with her. He still doesn’t know why he even wanted her friendship to continue but it filled some deficit he felt within himself. Hopefully, your husband has that same understanding now–that a friend doesn’t ask you to cheat on your spouse. Keep talking… Get the truth you need to move forward.

  10. I keep this post permanently on my computer saved tab. Its so similar to my situation only more than double the marriage span, memories and belief that our marriage and love was pure and genuine.
    The paragraph you wrote asking him why he is here and how he could do that and his explanation that he kept it separate and felt it had no impact on your marriage is true for my husband as well. I have no idea and cannot comprehend this thinking from a non cheating spouse point of view, but realise other cheaters tick he same way.
    I too welled up with tears and feel the same destruction and pain many times a day and bewilderment of the ease that he undertook this affair and kept it going for more than 2 years, yet came home every night to me and his family like nothing was happening in his life that was destroying our marriage and my eternal faith and trust in him.
    My trust, faith and love for him will never be the same. Our marriage is not the same. I feel the first 24 years was one marriage and then a gap, then I am on my second marriage with the same man, but its different, some parts better, but my eyes are wide open this time.

    • It’s hard to let go of the man I thought my husband was and realize what he was capable of doing. He was capable of destroying everything in his and our lives for nothing. Nothing. I remind myself he was no okay in the head to act this way–this is not him, this was a shell of my husband. He couldn’t even see the truth anymore because he was broken. It doesn’t excuse or forgive what he did but it’s an explanation that somedays doesn’t seem like it’s enough. When I feel that way I try to take a step back and see what is real right now in our lives. His damage/affair came from not being able to focus on the the good, what he valued and loved. During the affair he could only see what was wrong in his life. So I try not to make the same mistake. Eyes wide open is right.

  11. Reading this crying. Do you ever forget enough to make it ok, I don’t want to be the one destroying my marriage because I can’t forget. Been back together just over 2 years nearly 3 since d day. Problem is how do you forget when she won’t fuck off and he won’t make sure she does. Every few months she gets in touch and he responds, nothing in it content wise but it’s the bigger picture for me. She got in touch December, went to a lot of trouble get his work email though part of me still wonders did he give it to her. He realised I know and it just stops. I’m destroying myself now because after the lies and broken promises of it will stop for 2 years it doesn’t make sense that shes just stopped like that. I can’t find contact anywhere else but I know it hasn’t just stopped like that.
    Is the pain of not forgetting easier to bear than that of splitting, sharing my kids the guilt I will always feel for them. This makes it sound bad other than the contact snd what that does to me it isn’t. All this doubt and driving myself crazy trying find this contact cause I can’t believe its just stopped like that.

    • Hi,
      For me, I needed everything to end completely. I needed to know if he saw her walking down the street or if she tried to contact him through email/text/whatever. Honestly, if my husband’s AP was still contacting him intermittently I would probably confront her. I’ve avoided contacting his AP despite my desire to beat the crap out of her. In the end I know she’s just not worth it but in your case I might say I needed to talk to her or the three of you face-to-face.
      Sometimes I think that my fears are what play in my mind the most causing me pain. I have to let go of those fears when I can pragmatically dispel them. I know that deciding to stay together or separate when there are kids involved is probably the most difficult decision you could make. For me, I promised myself if I wasn’t happy and my needs were not being met that I would leave. My kids deserve a mother that is happy and not burdened by the pain of an affair. Children are more resilient than we think. Many children are at first saddened by their parents divorce but recover quickly especially if they understand in a respectful/appropriate way what happened.

  12. Ive been looking for a site like this for a while now. Very insightful coments and stories. I feel yourbpain and maybe soon ill tell my story.
    Regards
    Leah

    • my name is allison im also going through hell ive been with my partner for 20 years married for nearly 2 unfortunatly i then found out he had been to massage parlors for bjs and full sex 5 times ,he also told me he was addicted to pornography when it all came out ,which he now says he hasnt got a problem adddictions dont just vanish ,ive lost all respect and love for him ,i dont know if that will ever come back ,we have a 9 year old son and i think thats why i stayed although in the beginning i think i went in to shock ,its now been a year and a half since i found out and i hate him i am living a lie staying with this person who is now defensive about it all i believe hes back viewing porn .can some one tell me from there experience am i wasting my time .

      • I believe a man has to show remorse and want forgiveness and be completly honest with each other no matter the pain it will cause I also believe staying with someone because of a child is wrong you are teaching that child hate and resentment it’s better you leave and be happy then to stay snd be unhappy your teaching your child sll kinds if wrong they sence everything and you will make him nervous and insecure. Go with your heart. Good luck

  13. Here I am again. How do I even try? I said and keep saying I am going to try and I can’t, Dday was May 2013 and its almost a year now and i still can’t. Yea i have my good days but mostly bad, there isn’t a day i don’t think about it. I don’t think i can do this much longer. I think I am forcing myself to be there for my daughter. I feel empty, It might sound crazy but I think i would be happier without him. Starting over and falling in love again with someone else. I’m not saying cheat, I am talking about doing it the right way and getting a divorce and starting over. I do miss a life full of happines and love but not necessarily with my husband. I don’t know if it will ever be the same, it doesn’t seem like it ever will. I can’t seem to get over it. I don’t feel the same anymore, the love, respect and just the drive to work it out isn’t a very strong feeling for me right now. No matter what he does or say i don’t feel any better. The affair stopped, he apologizes all the time he does nice things for me, he says he would never of left me for that idiot, or never will for anyone. I don’t think he even knows what to do or tell me to make me see he is there for me. I don’t know but this really sucks. Why put yourself in that situation in the first place if you aren’t sure about losing everything you have if your happy with your life, now he thinks I should feel better about it since time has gone by but in reality I don’t. I question myself now if i reallly love him because it is strange that i don’t feel much better than Dday so do I love him enought to even be around and what about the happy 18yrs we have been together and 14yrs married? Does that not count any for me, all the good things we have? Wow its so crazy how all that can be destroyed in a few seconds and might not be repaired ever! I’ts so hard…………

    • I don’t think it sounds crazy to believe you may be happier without him in your life. Have you considered a trial separation to see how you feel? I really feel frusrated when I read about wayward spouses expecting their wives to just get over the affair and move on. I cannot understand that mentality or lack of understanding/empathy. If I feel upset about the affair in fifteen years my husband better be willing to sit there and listen and try to understand. I told him that too because I don’t ever want to feel like I have to disguise my pain because I think that’s part of the reason our marriage allowed an affair to begin with. I wasn’t willing to say–”I am upset about XYZ.”
      I hope you can figure out what you need to be happy. You deserve to be happy everyday.

    • i totally relate to you i coudnt have worded it better , i to am coming to the conclusion to end the relationship the pain just goes on for me .im wasting hours thinking about it instead of spending precious time with my boy ,as far as im concerned my husband is a lying cheating whore shagging bastard and my views on it are getting stronger with time ,i dont accept what he did i believe he was week but he chose his actions i didnt . i also think about the good times and it destroys me how he could do this to us im a year and a half in to my supposed recovery . i dont want to feel like this another year down the line .yesterday i went out with myolder daughter i couldnt reach him on the phone and the same thoughts creep in i dont beleive i will ever trust again .

  14. Reading is eerie. It is as though I wrote it but switched gender roles. Thank you so much! I was able to show this to my wife to make her understand what I am going through and why six months later I am still struggling so much.

  15. my heart goes out to all of you who have been hurt-it is so difficult- My husband kissed someone 20 years ago and came home and told me- I was devastated as we had been married 20 years at that time- I was so hurt I never mentioned it again as he told me nothing else happened- I will never feel the same although we are still together- and every so often it comes back to haunt me! I mentioned it some weeks ago as my feelings were so bad and he denied he ever told me this- I cannot understand ? and now feel worse than ever- things always come back to haunt me- will I ever get over this- I wonder?

    • Thank you for the blog it has helped understand why he did it because I go round and round trying to figure out why he did and why he didn’t just tell me he was unhappy if he was unhappy he said he wasn’t he just don’t know why he did snd if he told me then I would leave him and he loved me too much for that but he continued his affair off and on through 25 years of marriage. Try swallowing that one yes 28 months ago I finally caught my husband with the same women he had been cheating with on me for 16 years on two off 4 on two off 5 on a couple times a year. It broke me intio a million pieces I was crushed I can’t begin to tell any woman how it feels to be cheated on but anyway I read your piece on trying to understand why reading this has helped. Myhusband and I have been seeing a counsler and he is very remorseful and is better then ever but how do keep my hatful thoughts in tact?

      • Refocus your mind when you feel those hateful and hurtful thoughts invading your mind. Do something, read something, talk to yourself about something else–anything. Your mind can only focus on one thing at a time so change your thoughts. You can acknowledge what hurts you but you don’t need to dwell in the pain. Acknowledge and let it go. It takes time but you will eventually find it works. It takes the power away from those painful triggers and thoughts.

  16. As the passing of everyday, Im trying to heal, but there are certain triggers that put me back in that sad state and I find myself crying and feeling bad, I just cant seemed to to think of good things, when my mind is there, with every picture or remebrance I think, she was there, or when I think he wasnt with us because he was with her, Im always asking him even afetr 18 months,AFTER WE MAKE LOVE did she do that better then me ,was she more exciting, what made you stay with her for so long, 16 years of the 26 weve been marriad, thats alot to forgive, His affair wasnt just a snap shot in our lives it was our most of our lives, I wish I could say it was 1 year or 3 but It didnt happen that way to me.I want to fill this hole in my heart, but I drive pass her work everyday, and see her car and sometimes I see her, she is uglier, 7 years older, she smokes I dont, she is a slob, im not, she dresses like a slob I dont, so why did he feel like he needed her. Im so angry I cant express how much, yet Im imprissoning my husband, when Im feeling blue, and seemed to be thinking about it , he wlil ask me , how im feeling but again he gets really pissed off and cuses at me or trys one way or another to still blame me and that hurts, cause I feel he isnt sorry, hes says he is, but when ever I get a trigger, something he doesnt understand either, he gets so mad at me. wish I could turn back the clock. His AP”s husband 20 years ago when he told me, his wif and my husband are having an affair I didnt believe him but when my husband denied it I believed him. Now my heart is bleeding bad, because he never stopped seeing her. He says he hates her she could go to hell, he blames her for his actions, I KNOW THERE IS NO SECRET POTION TO HELP OUR BROKEN HEARTS BUT HOW DO MEN DO IT, COME HOME ,KISS YOU, EAT DINNER WITH YOU, GO TO BED WITH YOU MAKE LOVE AND THEY SAY LOVE YOU BUT BEHIND YOUR FOOLISH BACK FUCK ANOTHER WOMAN. HOW AND WHY?

    • I wish there was a secret potion to mend a broken heart and to fix what’s broken. Your husband’s affair was not your fault and your husband needs to accept the blame. He needs to accept that these were his actions and even if he did not intend to hurt you, he’s destroyed a part of you. When you tell him your triggers and insecurities does he understand that you are being honest and not trying to fight with him? Sometimes the betrayer will get defensive because it’s difficult to see the person they love and care about so hurt. The affair may have continued for sixteen years but he remained married to you. Have you asked him why and has he been able to answer that question? I hope you are both communicating and talking. If you can, find a therapist to help you. Triggers are very difficult to master–it takes time and an effort. It took me a long time to stop thinking about my husband’s affair partner on a daily basis. She no longer haunts my mind but I completely understand what you feel and are going through. Take care of yourself.

  17. I know how you’re all feeling, I found out my partner of 15 years and the father of my 3 children had a 2 year affair . He had a colleague kiss him and want to be his friend, they met up in hotels a few times and had sex. He says he was unhappy and felt I ignored him and didn’t love him any more and she fulfilled this feeling he was missing. Finding e mails and texts between them was utterly devastating. I felt utterly crushed but at the back of my mind it is like this has exploded our relationship and made us both realise that we could lose everything. I am trying to live with it, have been to counselling and written a diary but still have terrible thoughts about them together. It is horrible to think of a relationship your other half had, what was said and don, that you will never truly know about. We have had the most frank discussions since and I know we will never be the same. He ended it straight away and I now have access to all his devices but it’s no way to live. He never goes out from work now and is always home early, is making a massive effort.
    At the beginning I wished he would kill himself so that I wouldn’t have to deal with it all but now I realise it’s part of life. It’s a massive blow which I’ll never get over fully but I’ve realised how strong I really am.
    I try to be positive and find this is the best way , whatever happens you need to deal with it or it will haunt your future .

  18. No, he actually was relieved that he was caught. He had been dropping hints for months to me. He needed me to know what had happened because he couldn’t end the affair and heal from it alone.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s