Yesterday I was cleaning up our bedroom and I found a piece of paper that was a rough draft of a letter my husband gave me for Mother’s Day last year (i.e. during his affair). Reading through the rough draft I was reminded of how I was brought to tears when I first read this letter from him last May. He wrote about moments in our lives where he realized how much he loved me… some were funny jokes I played on him and some were sincere moments that defined our marriage. At the end of the letter he wrote that he would spend the rest of his life living his love and respect for me.
Reading these words now is like a slap in the face.
When he got home I asked him: “How do you write those words when you were disrespecting me completely?” His response was that he kept his affair so separate in his mind from our marriage. He said a cheating spouse does not believe his affair is affecting his marriage or feelings at all. I guess, he justified his behavior by thinking that what he was doing had nothing to do with our marriage and he wasn’t hurting me.
My response? Then why am I here? If you can so easily separate yourself from our marriage and believe that your relationships with other people (sexual or not) have no impact on our marriage–then why the fuck am I here? I realized my response was without thought that he knows better now. Sometimes I forget that an explanation of his thought process during the affair is not the same as it is now. I let myself cool down before continuing the discussion.
It’s impossible for the betrayer to understand the pain the faithful spouse feels. I try to look forward… move forward and not dwell on the details that will cause me pain. But it is haunting to think that your best friend and husband could sleep with another woman and profess his love in numerous emails to her and then come home and look me in the eye. Sit down to dinner with our children. He went to my parent’s home and pretended like he was giving me infinite love and happiness while he was destroying our marriage almost daily. If not with sex, with an email, a text or phone call.
I ask him how the guilt affected him but I guess he repressed the guilt. He felt it but he didn’t focus on it. I asked him why he never came to me and said he was being tempted to cheat. The first time he slept with his AP was not unexpected. She told him what she wanted and he tried to dismiss it for a few weeks. There were a multitude of choices he could have made but heleft his, mine and our children’s fate in her hands.
I saw the email she sent him saying she’d be working from home on a certain day if he wanted to stop by and see her. He told me when he drove there he knew they were going to have sex. He had been considering cheating on me for about a month with her… or considering having sex with her because she was stipulating this was what she wanted (needed) for their friendship to continue. He says he told her that he didn’t want to have a sexual relationship with her but yet he ended up in her bed. So why couldn’t he tell me anything? Once he told me he considered telling me after she kissed him that it had happened but he was afraid I would freak out and think he was cheating and possibly kick him out. So he didn’t tell me about the kiss and instead had the affair. How does that make any sense?
Writing this post is making my eyes well up with tears. I fear living the rest of my life with this pain in the bottom of my heart. I am afraid that his actions will never not haunt my mind.
I told him last night that we’ve been married for twelve years now… I planned to be married to him for the rest of my life… fifty? sixty more years? This is 1/5 or less of our marriage and he was tempted and cheated. The pain of being betrayed is the most horrible destruction of a person that can happen in life.
I can identify completely with this post. My husband and I have also been together for 12 years, he spent 7 of it cheating on me. His affair was also with someone he worked with, they also kissed first, it was premeditated. She told him she wanted to have sex and then made his hotel reservation for him when they traveled out of town for business at the same location. Our therapist said that men especially can compartmentalize, they put the bad stuff they do in a box in the
back of their mind and come home and act as if nothing wrong ever
happened. It’s such a twisted way to live. My husband also said that he did not think that it would affect the marriage because he didn’t
think he’d ever get caught. I don’t know how they do it. I guess I know why, they need their ego stroked by a whore, they seek excitement, something with no strings attached. It’s disgusting. I hate men.
I guess it’s comforting to hear other women say their husbands say the same thing… I know my husband is not taking anything up but it’s so crazy. I guess as a woman and a mother I can’t imagine ever not considering my husband or kids in EVERYTHING I do.
My husband told me last night that he never felt a rush of excitement being with his AP–he said there was a bit of forbidden/new excitement–but nothing that gave him butterflies or compelled him to go back. He even said that the longer they were together the less he wanted anything to do with her… I realized in my husband’s life he’s never broken up with any girlfriends. We were talking and discovered that he always knew when the relationships needed to end but wouldn’t say the words. Out of fear of hurthing them? So he would wait until his girlfriend realized it was over. Then he could walk away. I feel like he was waiting for her to walk away too. Does that make sense? Ugh. Too much thinking.
Yes that makes complete sense. My husband has said similar things, that his AP acted desperate. The second to the last time she was with him she had approached him early in the evening at a work event, he told her NO it’s not going to happen. She told him she knew he would get drunk enough and do it later. She was right, he got black out drunk and his friends dumped him in his room. Not sure how they hooked up but he has no memory of it at all, she says they were together and the phone records show they were. He’s said he was not attracted to her and did not like her. He never took her to dinner, or got her a gift, or a card or anything. No matter how many times he told her it was over she kept after him. It did not end until she told her husband under pressure. Crazy…
My husband too–he never gave her a gift, a card, or even a love note or anything. She gave him gifts (she spent $300 on one gift-why???). Why?
When my husband and I returned from a long weekend away together (alone w/o the kids) she asked him if we had sex. He said he was so irritated by the question and he looked at her like she was a dumbass and said: “Yes, a lot.” It was that vacation that made him realize he was fucking up (I found out soon after because he began to unravel). But I saw her emails to him after our vacation saying: “It’s none of my business and I know your relationship with your wife is off-limits. I know how much you love her and I never meant to pressure you.” After our vacation together he slept with her three more times…. three times too many but since it was over a span of two months…. I guess better than his track record.
Her entire presence in his life was so stupid. She was going through a divorce (10 years of marriage) and the first thing she did after kicking her husband out of their house was tell my husband she wanted to have sex with him. What a fucked up whore.
These whores are delusional to think these men are not still fucking their wives. What idiots.
Yes, the premeditation of it all haunts me so badly. SO SO badly.
It’s sick right? There you are at home taking care of HIS children and he’s off planning his next rendez-vous. My husband told me she would call him on Fridays and see what his work schedule was and then “pencil” him into her fucking calendar for a day the next week for sex. He says he tried to ignore her phone call but if he didn’t answer she would go to his business to plan. Fucking whores.
Ditto to all..Haunting is the perfect description. Will I ever really get over it?. Don’t think so…Can I live with it…not sure….it’s only been 6 (of the longest) months in my life. Time will tell if he’s truly worthy of me, if he continues to make amends, make progress.
Otherwise, I’ll cut my losses and join a female commune. Maybe Mom’s right, they’re only good for lays, anything else is bullshit and we’re deluding ourselves. Time for a new relationship paradigm.
My best friend and I always say that if we were lesbians we would have the perfect marriage. Life would be so much easier.
Ladies, don’t forget the bitter 2012 divorce of Melissa Etheridge & Tammy Lynn Michaels b/c of Melissa’s alleged affair!
My husband and I have been married 23 years. He had an affair in our fifth year of marriage after our first child was born. I stayed with him but never felt the same love or respect for him ever again. We are divorcing now. I honestly wish I would have left back then. Nobody talks about the long lasting effects of an affair. For me, it changed me as a person. I was so in love and trusting…now I feel I was stupid and naive. I wish you luck with your marriage, but wanted to give you the perspective of how deep and lasting the effects really are.
Thank you for sharing your experience and life story with me. I think that’s my fear (or every betrayed spouse’s fear) that we’ll go through all this healing to look back years later realizing we gave up too much of ourselves. Being aware of your story is helpful to me. It tells me the recovery work is not going to end.
Just to explain a little more…since we are divorcing (not related to infidelity), I have been doing a lot of reflection about my entire marriage. My husband had a good job, we owned our first home, and had a six month old baby boy. My husband was having an affair with one of his married employees. Her
husband called me and told me all the details. I didn’t even suspect it at all. Because he was her manager, he was fired from his job due to the affair and inappropriate conduct at work. My husband risked everything for this affair. He
was very sorry, and never strayed again. He said the reason for the affair was all thepressure of a new baby, new house etc… I personally believe there is never a reason good enough to betray someone like that. I didn’t realize when I stayed that although as time went on I did get over the affair. I just could not get that same feeling of love or respect preaffair. It was not a conscious decision on my part. I changed as a person. You can get past the pain and you will one day. It is hard, but possible. I just wish I would have realized that the pain back then that although the pain is gone, my perception of him would never return. Feeling this way is unfair to me, but also unfair to my spouse who never lied or strayed again. Affairs are devastating to families. I wish more men would realize the long term implications.
Yes… all the things I read now about affairs that I wish I had known beforehand. No one ever thinks it will happen to them. And it’s rare for a wayward ever thinks to look for reasons not to cheat before the affair.
I hope you find the love and happiness that you deserve.
my husband had an affair 14 months ago with a woman 12 years older than me (52) im 40. i stayed with him but will never ever trust or love him like i did, and why would i, he betrayed me and he became someone i would never have chosen to be with. he says he loves me but im afraid that it will all end. my days and nights are filled with the images of him and her, of the times he spent with her, of the constant texts he sent her, i would even go as far to say i hate him as much as i hate her right now. some of that is because i never got to have it out with his whore, some of it is because i just dont believe what he says anymore, and some of it is because i really want out now just to keep my sanity, he is a bastard whom i cant forgive, affairs do cause hurt and pain and anguish and for me mental problems, my life will never be the same again, i have been forced to become someone i am not and i hate my life but im trapped
My heart goes out to you because I can hear so much pain and anger in your post. I hope you can find a way to let go of this hate so that you can be stronger and happier. You shouldn’t suffer in misery for his actions. There is so much pain, anger and hatred as a result of infidelity and it’s toxic. You can be happy again. Pursue your dreams, what you want and need. You can move forward, with or without your husband. Do what you need to move forward…