Sh!t that bothers me.

frustrationDo you know what bothers me? Is that here we are… the betrayed spouses, the wayward spouses and even a few affair partners… on WordPress and roaming the internet together. We are doing the work. Trying to figure out how our seemingly perfect marriages now include stories of betrayal, lies and secrets. Here we sit checking our in-boxes or notifications wondering which anonymous WordPress friend has written us a message of hope or words of advice.

It bothers me that sharing my experience will probably never prevent a spouse from cheating.  In the end, my words may comfort another betrayed spouse but she won’t go looking  for them until her D-Day arrives. Who looks for advice on how to prevent an affair when they are in love with their spouse and happy. Who goes looking for advice before they choose to have an affair?  Maybe I shouldn’t worry or be bothered by the man out there who is playing with fire, befriending a female co-worker and hiding it from his wife. Maybe I shouldn’t be concerned about the wife who is trusting her husband so much that she never checks  his cell phone account for usage, or his email account on occasion or stops by his office on a whim. But I do worry. If an affair could happen in my marriage, it could happen to anyone.

It bothers me that I only learned after my husband’s affair that the biggest vulnerability was believing that infidelity would never happen to us. I thought if you love one another and enjoy each other, your spouse will never stray. I thought that true love meant there would never be deception. I believed my husband would never be involved sexually with another woman because he was so physically, emotionally and intellectually attracted to me. I believed that we shared the same values and morals and that meant lies, cheating and adultery did not exist in our lives.

It bothers me that I cannot escape the incessant conversation in my head about my husband’s affair. Remember before your D-Day and you could live in each moment of your day? I remember the happiness I felt and the way I loved my husband without thought. Now my brain is running 24/7 with questions, fears, anxieties, mistrust and loathing. All qualities I now hate about myself. Even if I feel a moment of happiness, I then start to think about my new normal–being aware of happiness despite my inner pain and struggle. The roller coaster conversation in my brain is exhausting. I hate driving in the car alone and talking to myself about the aftermath of his infidelity.

It bothers me that my husband’s character is marred and our marriage is scarred. No matter how we come out of this mess, the story remains in our lives. She becomes part of our marriage–the person who challenged us to love each other and strengthen our marriage? Or the person who destroyed it? At this point, I believe we will make it through. We love each other and my husband is doing the work and trying to live an honest life, true to his beliefs and values. He is exploring his weaknesses and how he ended up in a situation he did not want to be in with this woman. But regardless of what he learns, the story remains the same.

It bothers me that I have to talk about this shit every fucking day. Seriously. If I don’t talk about my feelings and fears with my husband then they take on a life of their own. It pisses me off that this Bat-Shit Crazy woman has one second of a thought in my brain. People I hate should not take up space in my mind. Why do I continue to brainstorm ideas of how I could screw up her life? Why am I such a good person that I will never carry them out. I believe in karma and I don’t want any bad karma in my life. I am hoping that some day it will end. This affair will not define me, my husband or our marriage. But right now, it feels like a shadow I cannot escape.

I could keep going but I am exhausted just thinking about my list of frustrations.

bothers

297 thoughts on “Sh!t that bothers me.

  1. It really pains me to read about all the hurt all of you women have experienced. I read every post thinking about my wife and trying to understand her point of view. I was the cheating husband, and although I have never had an affair, I still managed to cause significant pain and hurt to my wife of 12 years because of my acting out behaviours relating to a sex addiction.

    I wish I could take away the hurt I caused my wife. I also wish my brain did not learn such a distorted program of what constitutes attactiveness and become hard wired to think of women so objectively. My problems stemmed from well before I was married where I used sex as my coping mechanism to help deal with stress. I did not think I had a problem as a teen because I thought pornography and masturbation was normal for guys. Once the internet came along and I moved away to University and was on my own with a new sudden sense of fredom, I became addicted to pornography and kept craving a new high, progressing in my addiction to increased compulsivity on internet and chat rooms, and then began visiting massage parlours and strip clubs. Every time I engaged in this behaviour I would feel immense guilt and shame. I feared telling her so as not to lose the girl I love, but I also found the guilt so painful I was constantly feeling nauseous. In order to alleviate this pain, I’d continue to act out and so the viscious addictive cycle continued.

    I got to a point where I couldn’t lie anymore. I couldn’t manage this jeckyl / hyde personality… on the one hand I felt my true identity was a guy brought up with integrity and high moral values, but then i had this other deep dark secret.

    We have two small boys and I know my wife wanted a third child. I felt I could not be so irresponsible to go ahead with something like that. In the past I may have thought another child would be a new beginning that will fix everything but I knew things had to change drastically before we can consider that. I felt like everything was falling apart and my wife and I were becoming more distant. One night, as hard as it was, I revealed all the ugly truth. I did it because I knew I had no alternative. I could no longer come home from work and look my wife and kids in the eye. If they only knew who I was and the lies I had told them about my whereabouts. I hated myself and the person I had become. Could I really be this shallow? to place so much importance on sex as if it’s the most important need in my life. And thinking of all the money I spent feeding this habit… I was utterly disgusted with myself. How could I be this type of father and husband… When you feel like you don’t deserve the love of your kids and wife, you know you’re in a really bad place. This realization was my “rock bottom”. I decided I had a sex addiction and sought out therapy.

    The one piece of morality I have kept through all this addictive behaviour is that I never had intercourse with another women other than my wife. This remains true today and although it’s a small detail, it helps me and I hope her too.

    I have been in recovery for 9 months now and am still sober today. During this time I have not looked at any pornography and have cut out masturbation completely. Initially I thought this was overkill but I now understand that it’s necessary for me to keep perspective and help my brain re-wire itself. I attend 12-step groups regularly and both my wife and I are getting counselling. Things aren’t perfect but they are much better than they were 9 months ago. Communication has improved drastically. While I feel responsible that I got us in this mess I’m also taking pride in the fact that I’ve taken the initiative to get us out of this mess.

    Reading the posts on this blog, I can’t help but think some of the men might also suffer from sex or love addiction. It’s really an intimacy disorder that usually stems from childhood trauma. Not to diminish what they have done – I do think they, and I, need to take responsibility for our hurtful actions, but I now have a new sense of compassion for both sides of the equation in these awful circumstances. I could never have imagined in a million years I would have ever turned into this type of guy :(

    People make mistakes. I believe if a marriage can be saved, it’s worth trying. It would be a shame if a few moments of indiscretion wiped out a lifetime of love and happiness.

    Good luck to all of you.

    • Hi Brian,

      Thank you for reading my blog and sharing your story. Hearing it from your perspective is incredibly insightful to me. As a betrayed spouse, I have struggled to understand how my husband continued the behavior if it was so extremely divergent from his values, morals and upbringing (just like you commented).
      What you said triggered something in my head. My husband’s relationship with his affair partner was practically the mirror image of a relationship he had in his twenties (before we met). That first girlfriend was a strange relationship where he didn’t date her because he was attracted to her or had an immediate response to want to be with her. She was very needy and had some serious insecurities. He felt like he could help her and if he gave her love she would be happy. Guess what? She was never happy so he stayed in the relationship for almost seven years before he could leave. He never really loved her and she didn’t love him either. Fast forward to his affair partner and you will see another woman who presented herself as insecure and needy. He engaged in conversation with her because he thought he could help her accept what was going on in her life (a divorce). He thought they would be friends but she had other ideas. She wanted more and he wanted to help her and be her hero so much that he didn’t say no. He didn’t even see his action as an affair at first. He knew he fucked up but he didn’t want to acknowledge he cheated on me–the only woman he’s ever truly loved.
      I am rambling now! But I just had this thought after you wrote me. I hope your wife is doing better… realizing that you always loved her. I am glad you are doing well and therapy has helped you with your addiction. You have the most important reason to stay the course–an amazing, forgiving wife and your children. Best of luck to you too.

      • I am the betrayed spouse after 12 years of marriage. Same situation with my husband helping a friend who’s husband had revealed an affair. He was upfront at first and I gave the green light to console her. She lived miles away and I considered her a friend too. They were bffs in college. She even delivered our first daughter. I was so stupid! He stopped speaking of her and I saw him delete messages. Then I saw inappropriate messages and confronted them when they met up. I’m so broken and confused. Since December, he has done the work to show me he’s committed and sorry. How do I move forward. The thoughts are debilitating. The need for revenge scares me. The disgust for both of them makes me physically ill. It has been 2 months since he admitted sexual activity. How are you and your husband? Is there hope?

      • My husband and I have no future anymore. He has left all of his debts, his job, and he has ruined his name in this country. Even if I, in stupidity, fell for his “I made a mistake” it would not be possible for him to return. I am having such a hard time.. grasping at straws but I know it is null and void now. I just have to find a way to accept it. When I took him back after finding out it was very hard for me to trust him.. and I don’t know that I ever would have trusted him again. When I found out he was still in contact with her I realized there was no way it could ever be what it once was. I am done. He tells me he loves me.. he tells me he is sorry… but it is too late.

    • Hello Brian
      It’s great to hear that you are taking the steps to help yourself and your family get over this devastating issue.I hope that everything turns out well for you guys.

    • Kudos to you……I hope your marriage will heal completely and the Grace of God will keep you…. like you, I wish all ALL men who have ever cheated on their wives, even in thoughts would feel what we feel, it would completely change the equation and it would never happen again!!! Blessings to you both and your beloved children.

    • Thanks for your post Brian, it means a lot. Yes, mistakes if you can call it that although I call it choice, nobody forced you or my husband, or the countless husbands being written about here. But change is possible even if it takes a lifetime. Me, when I see posts of women who after a few months, or even a few years and they are still struggling, I have to wonder about myself, for me, its been 13 years, 13 freaking years, that was the first emotional affair, I found out last year that after I thought he was “over it” he had continued to lust, watch porn on a daily basis, masturbate and was living a lie of pure hypocrisy and lies. I didn’t know who I was married to anymore. It brought everything back into so much painful detail. He’s been “clean” a year now, but that is after he completely destroyed my life. I am being treated for depression, I am now told I am bipolar, and last year I had a minor stroke. Yes, stress and depression is a bitch. I am a christian and I have had to tear my soul out wondering why my God had allowed me to go through something so awful. Why are there so many awful women out there, but I see here that there are still some wonderful women and a few good men out there too. But 13 years Brian, 13 years and the pain doesn’t go away. You control it, but it never goes away. I am so sorry for all of us, and for the many others who will face this demon. I am glad that you are taking steps and I wish nothing but the best for you and your wife. Just remember one thing, we are forever, irrevocably changed and you will have to live with that.

  2. My D Day was 28 days ago my husband told me the day after our 28 wedding anniversary tjat he had been seeing another women for 13 months, he meet her on a boys weekend and then paid her weekly visits some 25 miles away when he should have been in work. To say about the roller coaster ride is so right.I’m up then down can’t function correctly, can’t eat, can’t sleep. I’m hurting so much but love him so much but I want to hurt him back with my nasty words. I need to find this other women and put this pain to rest. He said it’s over but I can’t trust him but I need to for my peace of mind. I feel everybody is looking at me and a few of his friends are now apologising to me for knowing but making my life 100 times worst. I believe we will get through this but it’s bloody hard.

    • I am so sorry you are dealing with the aftermath of your husband’s affair. The first month or so was the worst roller coaster of emotions I’ve ever felt. In all your writing about the pain and anger you feel you wrote that you “love him so much.” Sometimes it can be easy to lose sight of that when you feel like your life has been shattered. I felt that way too–my love never diminished for my husband and I was shocked.
      It’s very hard to trust again–I still struggle with that too. I felt like he was continuing the affair behind my back and I was a fool. But then I started to look at things rationally–he was being more transparent, talking about the pain he felt regarding his actions, remorseful, etc… But I definitely don’t feel like any betrayed spouse should blindly trust but we should pay attention and evaluate the behavior. And there should be some evidence they have ended the relationship.
      I still struggle with the desire to confront my husband’s AP. I hate her–I know who she is, where she lives, where she works and I could easily hurt her with the truth of what she did. But another blogger once told me that no contact applies to both the husband and the wife. Another blogger told me that she would never “get” what I was saying anyways and she would think I was insecure for approaching her… I don’t know if I always believe this but I wake up every day with my head held high–I’ve done nothing to be ashamed of. I can’t control anyone but myself and that is the hardest lesson I’ve learned.
      I hope you are having more good days than bad and you know that you are not alone.

      • Actually I should write a book. I thought we had a dreamy life. 43 yrs of marriage and never dated anyone else. My husband had a very serios stroke and as I watch him in recovery, I couldn’t have loved him any more. Well, four months later, and while he is still in a rehab facility; I discovered a txt on his cell from a filthy skank half his age that he knew from his office. His health crisis and this marriage crisis so close together have been just too much for me. It is a terrible conflict in my mind to hate the man that I have loved all my life. Because of his stroke, it has taken over a year to put all the pieces of the puzzle together. Yes, I wanted to know all the details and there were plenty since the affair lasted five years! He now sees how she was playing him for job advancement and information about the company and officers that she would have never been privy to. She was a sick predator and may have been working on other men at the same time. She started by complaining about her sorry life and he fell into her web initially thinking he could help her. She new exactly what to do to get an older man. Of course, he was titillated by her flattery and cheap provocative clothing. I am sure she has Daddy issues. She saw a man who had a nise home & who took good care of his wife and children. His office was covered with family pictures. I think that is what she wanted for her childhood and decided she was going to get it for her children. Her plans were to replace me by offering perverted sex. I suppose not too many 60 yr old men would turn it down from a 30 yr old. But, even after his stroke,( which I blame her for) she still didn’t back off! He hates her now and is so completely disgusted with himself for being so stupid. We sought therapy immediately and are doing well but it has been a nightmare. It is so hard to believe that such a tramp could intrude on our life and cause so much heartache. I promise that if it happened to my husband, it could happen to anyone. He would have been the last on the list of men capable of doing this to his family. We were like the Cleaver family! Now about her husband ….. We just learned he is having an affair and she may lose her children. I so much wanted to have revenge but my wise daughter said ” the best revenge is your happiness”. I waited and hoped that someday she would have something precious taken away from her. I didn’t think it would happen this soon. Let’s here it for karma!!

    • Your story is similar to mine. 22 february 2012 was my D day.although found an sms. the other woman was a co worker. i insisted she meet with me. i met with her but am not sure it was the best thing to do. There are many things i have done since that i am not sure were good choices but you do what you have to do to get through the emotions and feelings you are feeling. he also says it is over but he has to continue to work with her!!! i dont know if i will ever trust him again. His life continues as normal and my life is turned upside down. Who knows what the right decisions are??

      • Trust, for me, is a work in progress. I read that you have to have respect before you can have trust. So then I questioned myself: Do I respect my husband? In many ways I do but I am not sure if it’s enough yet. I am working on that. I often wonder if trust will ever be 100% again. Or if 100% is redefined by this. Knowing an affair can happen in any marriage was a lesson I can never forget.

    • Hi sandra

      Your post mirrors all of my emotions. It has been 3 months since my d-day. My perfect marriage has been destroyed by my wifes 14 year affair.

      She lied to me about him back in 2006 when i became suspicious and she asked for forgiveness and said all contact would stop. Three months ago i found out that not only did she continue contact but also lied to me back in 2006 as to how long she had been seeing him.

      The lenght of the period she has had the afair, their sexual conduct, the planning and effort involved over the 14 years defies belief. I dont have any feelings for her and we dont talk about the affair. Im still here because of the children.

      Every day is consumed by her affair. I try to keep busy but it hits me again and agian…i am a broken man the woman of my dreams lied and lied and lied…

  3. It bothers me that I found out 9 months ago and it still stings like it did that day when it crosses my mind and I’m not expecting it. I HATE that, even though we work like hell to redefine what our marriage is going to be after deciding to stay together, our new “normal” (even if it becomes better than what we had) includes my knowing that – for a time – my husband thought he deserved “better” than me and our life together. F^^ktard. Who SAYS that sh!t to someone they love? I don’t care how angry he was, or how defensive he thought he needed to be when I confronted him after finding her all over his phone. You do NOT say to your wife – no matter how angry you are – “Even knowing our children and how much I love them, if I had a chance to go back and do it all over with you? I wouldn’t.”

    I’m pretty sure if he had hit me at that moment he couldn’t have caused more pain. And we’ve discussed it to no end, even with our counselor. He is receiving individual counseling to deal with his anger and ego issues… but how do I un-hear those things?

    I wonder if I’ll ever not have those words in the back of my head?

    • I am really sorry your husband was an idiot when you confronted him and said such a stupid thing. Has he taken it back or tried to explain why he would ever say that? The first thing my husband said after I found out about his affair was that “his AP listened to him.” I took that to mean that I didn’t listen to him but what he meant was–she was just supposed to be a friend. They were talking over coffee mostly and then she “demanded” they have a physical relationship. Everything my husband said in the wake of my discovering the affair I thought he was saying in comparison to me. If he said that he felt like I wasn’t attracted to him anymore, I heard: “You aren’t attracted to me but she was very attracted to me.”

      I understand though the feeling of wanting to unhear something. Mostly I want to unhear the emails I read. He told her after one of our vacations that coming home = her… It hurts me to this day to think he even thought to write that. He doesn’t even remember writing it or even feeling that way. He said she was always insecure, especially when we went on vacation, so he would write whatever he thought would passify her. But sometimes it burns to know he could easily write this stranger of a woman such loving comments even if they meant nothing. All I can say is let it go. If it meant nothing to him then why does it mean something to me now? I constantly remind myself that I am the one in control of how I feel. I can choose to cry and be upset or I can distract myself with something else (my kids, work, cleaning). Acknowledge that it hurts and then turn away from the pain… I hope that helps…

      • What hurts when they say it meant nothing, then why sacrifice you wife and family for somthing that “meant nothing” if their family meant anything then they would not put that at risk over “nothing”

      • I just wrote something similar to that to another reader. As much as I move forward I still struggle with the fact that they put everything on the line for someone that means nothing. And it seems like many times there is an awareness that these women mean nothing even while they are involved with them. My husband even says that he wouldn’t even be friends with his AP in life. Even when they were involved he said they are so different and she was so Type A that he couldn’t imagine dealing with her even as a friend. It just makes me sad knowing that he was that vulnerable and I couldn’t see it. I believed he would always be faithful–always.

      • MY HUSBAND BECAME ANGRY AT ME FOR FINDING OUT…BLEW UP AND LEFT THE HOUSE TO GO SEE HER AT WORK.
        HE ALSO SAID SHE MEANT NOTHING…HE PUT ME THRU HELL…SHE MEANT NOTHING????
        THE OTHER STATEMENT …..I WAS NOT ATTRACTED TO HER……SO THATS WHY YOU SLEPT WITH HER……
        MAKES ME SICK INSIDE.

      • Andrea, it is sickening, that they have so little respect for you and your marriage that they don’t see how hurtful it is to even say that it meant nothing! I am d months in since finding out and he will still not talk about it. When I tell him I am really having a hard time , his response is…. “I love u I hope that helps”.

      • It is sickening… Poor judgement. They don’t consider the consequences when they are involved with their affair partners. It’s hard to imagine but their state of mind is not healthy or normal. It’s comparative to an alcoholic that keeps drinking depsite the hangovers and blackouts. They just cannot manage the stress of every day life and these woman walked in and offered themselves as a solution.

      • I am thankful to have a place to go..to vent my feelings.After two years..no one gets it……MOVE ON..THAT WAS IN THE PAST..
        It is never in the past…it follows us everywhere.I was moving ahead..feeling amazing.
        Something triggers my hurt..anger…
        That girl lost nothing.Gave up nothing..Yet my life will never be the same..How can a man say he loves you..yet talk dirty..sexting..have sex..tell her he loves her…
        And tell me….SHE MEANT NOTHING…
        That nothing…changed me..my life forever…
        Andrea

      • It can tear you apart trying to understand the psyche of a cheating spouse. I knew my husband’s AP well enough to know that they would have never been friends if she hadn’t pursued an affair with him. They have such adverse personalities–and the type of person that my husband cannot tolerate. But because she lied about her marriage/life to him he felt sorry for her. He wasn’t interested in HER as a person–he was interested in helping her and being her “hero” as she went through a divorce. The words he wrote to her about sex/love/anything were empty words to passify her neediness. She was needy and desperate and he believed she had no one that cared about her (now we know why that is true). Don’t get caught up in the menutia that doesn’t matter. Focus on getting to the root of why your husband was led astray. Why did fall into these patterns and why didn’t he walk away? You may never have concrete answers but you will find the circumstances that made him vulnerable. I know that when my husband was most vulnerable to his AP (before the sex began) he didn’t think he was vulnerable at all. He didn’t desire her, want her or want to cheat on me. What he did like–was that she provided constant praise and adoration when he believed he was aging, not successful in his career and on a dead-end path. She didn’t care about him, his goals, his life ambition–she was willing to adore him at his worst. And even though he sensed her compliments were empty and they didn’t feel good or authentic–they were there when he hated himself.
        The “nothing” did change our lives… Somedays you want to punch a wall or your husband–but sit down and look at your life and marriage. What did she really take? Nothing.

      • Such support.I am still sick inside that she was with my husband.The kissing…physical stuff..
        How do you really process that.
        We are together.He is the devoting husband.Remorseful in everyway..
        I love him…but it is such a deep painful hurt..
        After two years..still hard.
        Coming here lets me be me.I am tired of family and friends telling me “move on”..

      • I so wish I hadn’t read the texts he sent her over the last two months of their affair. She was telling him they needed to cool it off while we had our baby and he was responding saying he loved her and wouldn’t cope without her, that he needed to have sex with her again before the end of the month. He says that he didn’t mean it, she was like a drug to him (she desired him and he felt I didn’t) and he didn’t want it to stop. I’m trying so hard to believe he didn’t love her and in counselling we talk about why he said it but its so hard. He still works with her and I struggle with how he seems to have been able to switch off his feelings for her. He says once the affair was uncovered reality hit and he realised what was important. That he only wanted me and is very remorseful snd clearly devastated over the pain he has caused me. He says he never really loved her, just the attention and obvious desire. But he wrote those words to another woman, and I read them. It hurts :-(

      • There are times I regret reading the emails. Many of the words are ingrained in my brain and a song may trigger me. But then I realize that if I hadn’t read as many as I did it may be harder to believe my husband’s story. I struggled with why my husband wrote “I love you” in his emails to his AP but he said they never spoke the words. He said it was just there but it makes me wonder if in a way he wanted to believe (during the affair) that he loved her because it would justify his behavior. But he says he was always aware that he didn’t love her. Try not to replay the words you read in your mind. Remember most the words are driven by motives not true emotion. There was an end result to it all… for her too.

      • I thought that my husband would never cheat. He never lied and hates liars. And when we made our vows we both outlined what our marriage would entail and that we would always talk to each other and so on. He also knew that I had a terrible childhood marked with violence, addictions, infidelity, and so on, and he promised that we would not be like that (we both do not drink, no drugs, no cigarettes, etc). We were also each others first. We got married and had two boys (I had died for a few minutes while having the first) and he became more and more distant. His parents were very cold and unemotional and when we would visit them, he would follow them like a puppy looking for crumbs of affection that never came. I said that our families were screwed up and we would make our own version of happy. I said that we would say I love you and hug and kiss but he was not very demonstrative and was easily embarrassed. So I backed down and did as he wished. Then because I have lung and breathing problems, I would cough and move a lot in bed. He would get upset and say that he needed his rest and that I was too loud and moved too much. So eventually, I ended up sleeping on the living room floor so that he could get his rest for work. Whenever I would initiate intimacy or contact with him, he would push me away. He did not want hugs or kisses and was becoming colder and more remote. During our marriage, I had worked while he went to school then while he was establishing himself, I had a job that required me on my feet for 20 hour shifts 6 to 9 days in a row away from home. So I would come home after my week and a half away and crash for 24 hours and he would be angry that I had slept. All of the chores and housework was left while I was away and the kids stayed at my grandmothers so that he could focus on work. Eventually he told me to stay home and take care of stuff because it was bothering his work and hobbies. He would go in phases and take interest in things. First it was painting. Then it was fountain pens and watches (very expensive and rare ones). Next was photography. He had actually put together photography shows in galleries and he was exceptionally good at it. He also did wedding pictures and portraits for fun (and a little extra cash). But once again, a lot of money shelled out for his fad. Next was music. He taught himself piano. We had a piano and he sold it for an electric roland piano. Then he bought a more expensive piano and recording equipment and set up a recording studio in our house. No expense spared. He gave shows and entered competitions. He also went to songwriting workshops and group meetings. He wanted me to just be there for the shows and to just let him find his passion. After he lost interest in piano, he got into Japanese. He is a gifted language learner and can speak fluently six languages and understands and converses in another 8 plus he knows american sign language and can get by in many other languages. He travelled to Japan three times (very expensive) and never asked me to go. He then made trips to Toronto and Europe and never asked me to go. All this time, our sons were experiencing social anxiety disorder and could not leave the house so I was primary care taker and ushered them to doctor visits and tried to home school them and such. I said that teenage boys need their father. He said that they need to be independent. Of course I knew that he was just doing as his parents had, being cold and not offering affection. I told him to take part in their lives even if he did not want to be around us, it was important. He just walked away. This summer, he went to Europe to a language conference and interpretation exam. Little did I know that his exam had been cancelled and the conference was just a get together of language minded people. He left a couple of days before my 40th birthday and our son’s birthday was two weeks later. He was gone for 6 weeks and travelled to Germany, Poland, Switzerland, Italy and a few other countries that I do not recall. The day he got to Germany, a day before my birthday, he went to a language get together. He met his affair partner there. They exchanged information, she kissed him and they met the next day. My birthday. My 40th birthday. He did not call to say happy birthday. Not even to send an email. He was too busy screwing a 28 year old unscarred from 2 c-sections, 3 cancer tumor surgeries, removal of my gallblader and appendix and two surgeries to repair the infections and inner tears that the c-sections did. She is skinny, beautiful, young and like a model. I am short, dumpy, overweight and horribly disgusting. He kept dozens of pictures of her and their 11 days of sexual freedom. When he came back I saw over 200 emails to her and he had asked her advice on everything. He asked for her to design a new business card for him. He was planning to see her at christmas in Montréal where he is from. And he said that it was another language conference. This fall, on November 11, I came home from a fundraiser I attended with my older son. I was happy and frisky and got ready for bed and started to touch him intimately and he threw my hands off his body and said that he was not attracted to me and he did not love me and had not loved me for years. He said that he wanted to find happiness that he would not find with me. And that I should move out of the bedroom so that he could entertain girlfriends if he wanted. But we would stay in the same house for the kids’ sake. WTF?????? I was floored. I asked what the hell he meant. He finally said that he slept with another woman while he was away and liked it. It was fun. And he was curious. And he was tired of feeling nothing and needed something to make him happy. I was floored. I fainted and sobbed and eventually after a whole day of asking him details and wanting to know what the hell had been going on, he said that he was tired of being a paycheck to us and he wanted freedom. FREEDOM???? I was very much allowing his freedom when I let him go out all of the time. Spending money on gadgets and trips and so on. He would give me 40 dollars for groceries and ask for the receipt because he wanted to make sure I did not spend it unwisely. I haven’t bought clothes in years for me and our kids. He was always dressed in designer wear from expensive stores. When I would say the boys grew out of clothes or that I needed a new shirt or something, he said to go to the second hand store since we did not leave the house anyway. I was floored. He spent his money lavishly on himself his gadgets. Iphone to call his german girlfriend, ipad for facetime and the mac for his emails and such. He called me ‘My _____(my name)’ and I called him ‘My _____(his name)’ and we would kiss. Then I found a love letter (I can understand some german) that said ‘My darling dear ______(her name)’ and he signed it ‘Your ______ (his name)’. He called her my special name but he even added darling dear. I was sick. I confronted him about it. I said that he never sent me a love letter. Now he took what I thought was my exclusive greeting and gave it to her. He did not think it was a big deal. Before this had happened though, I took all of his clothes and things that I could get my hands on and threw them out the door. I wish there had been snow at the time. All of the laundry that I washed, stainawayed, ironed, hung so nicely in his walk in closet (since I did not have much clothes, I made due with a box). The clothes that had her vaginal juices on them, her scent, her everything. I wanted to vomit. He freaked out and said ok he would end it all. He had nowhere to go. He would stop contact. I had told him to stop contact for the kids, for me but he refused. But when I told him to leave the house, the enormity of it all sunk in. He gave excuses that he was not really sure what he was doing. He was in a cloudy funk and did not realize what he was doing. He was going through a midlife crisis. He was curious how sex would be with someone else since we both had only been with each other. He needed to feel attractive and wanted by someone other than me. When I asked him why he did not want me to touch him and such, he said that he did not know. We finally talked through what was going on and agreed to counselling. But I was soooo scared and angry and afraid and an emotional wreck. So I took scissors and stabbed my arms and legs just to feel something. But I did not even feel the over 100 stab points because I was so numb from the pain of his betrayal. He was feeling pretty terrible then, and took away my scissors and we went to an emergency marriage counselling service at the hospital. I was numb. I couldn’t think or feel and it was awful and I know that I was in shock. We made a plan to work on our marriage then. I would check his computer and phone and ipad and so on and he would delete the information. The woman was also calling and hanging up. She was calling him at work. I answered his phone and called her a homewrecking slut whore cunt who fucked my family. I know that is absolutely horrible but my life was destroyed. After 3 sessions with the marriage counsellor, he finally opened up and told me that he had planned to have an affair. He had seen a psychologist who gave him the green light by saying that he had checked out of our marriage and that he did not feel like a husband but a houseguest. So he removed his ring and waited for the opportunity to have an affair. When he was getting ready for his trip to Europe, he had already decided to have sex with the first woman who was interested. He had months to prepare for his opportunity. HE PLANNED IT. Like what the hell is that? So clinical and cold. After he told me this, he said that he was wrong and that he loved me and that he was sorry and that all of this affair business made him realize how wonderful I was and that he wanted to make it work. I am still trying to figure out what to do. The kicker? He wants me to teach him how to be a better husband and father and not do the investigation and self searching on his own. What in the hell do i do? I love him more than myself and just as much as the kids and cannot imagine a life without him. He is my best friend, still, and I still do all of the little things for him like an idiot. I still drive him to work and back, do the housework, cook, clean etc, and take care of the kids who are not able to leave the house in daylight for fear that others will see them. I sleep about 2-3 hours a day. I am so lost. But I love him.

      • Your story is heartbreaking… and I am so sorry you found yourself here. Please take care of yourself first and foremost. If you cannot sleep–go to the doctor and get some temporary sleeping medication or try drinking a tea that helps you sleep soundly. I know how hard it is to get a decent night’s sleep–but it’s important to free your mind from the pain for awhile each night. You need to love yourself first–not him. Your love for him may not have disappeared or dwindled–but you need to love yourself. You need to be the source of your own happiness. This was a lesson I had to learn too. Take care of your kids–make them your healthy distraction from thinking about the affair. Try to find someone to talk to–a therapist, a pastor or a friend. Find someone who can listen without offering advice. Do something for you–read, craft, walk, run–whatever it may be–just find something you enjoy and do it everyday. Take care. I will be thinking of you.

  4. Since my first post, my husband has revealed more information but I feel he is still holding back. He never imagined how much pain this would cause me. I am a very strong woman and he has never seen me so weak and broken and it scares the hell out if him. I know tbe reason why he is holding back information is because he feels he has caused enough l pain. My husband cheated numerous times and I think there is more woman than what he is telling me. My question is why do I need to know this so badly? On one hand it really doesn’t matter how many. All that matters is he cheated right? But in the back of my mind I keep thinking I need to know. Is this ceazy and I shoukd move on? I know the more I ask him about it the more he gets angry and say we can’t move on if I can’t let this go. Any insight or advice? I am so lost and just don’t know if I should keep pushing him for tbe complete truth.

    • I was the same needing to know every detail, I think I needed to know because not knowing my mind would race with what did go on. When I did find out about all the details, I used them against him, I would bring them up to hurt him more and to make him to see how horrible she was, it was my way of changing his mind about how he felt about her. But your Husband owes it to you to answer every question and not get mad, he did the wrong thing, you get to choose when you want to move on. Remember getting the truth will be painful.

    • @pknapp2000, I totally understand the almost obsessive need to know everything!Trust me that as time goes on,so do your questions!!The questions I used to ask were what I call te “begining” questions which are based soley on who the person was,what they did,what was said,where they went. Now I’m more about asking myself questions and then asking the same questions to my husband.Why did this happen,is it me,do I want this,can I move on.It is absolutely normal to get those first questions out of your system in order to feel someway in control of te situation.Its almost like trying to know everything so that you don’t feel in the dark,to protect yourself from these things in the future.I think that if you want to stay with your husband,you should explain that this is all part of the healing process for you and that you asking is not doing it to Hurt him but its basically your way of catching up!lets not forget that they have had all this time of preparing for their affairs,being involved in the affairs and holding onto the affair.its only fair that we are allowed time to get our heads around it no matter how uncomfortable they feel.Ive followed advise from here to get out more an do stuff for myself,and I’ve kept myself busy meeting other mums for lunch and I’m surprised at how quickly time goes and how much less I think about it when I’m not alone at home.I hope tht you will be able to overcome this difficult part of this trauma.

    • I’ve learned the thing about information is that you can never unknow something once you hear or read it. You need to determine what you need to know to move forward–with or without him. In the beginning I focused on the details–when, where, how, what… I needed to know what the heck was going on behind my back. In some ways it relieved me to know that often what I imagined was much worse than reality. But it may not be that way for everyone. You may find out something that is worse than you expected. There were a few things said that shocked me that he would even say to her or express.
      My husband feels pain when we discuss the affair. It brings him to this low point where he recognizes he jeopardized everything in life that he valued–the only thing that was irrreplaceable, me. My husband is not comfortable with emotional instability so this just pushes him into a realm that really causes him stress and pain. But he has to learn to deal with his emotions… he created this mess and he needs to be the one to clean it up. I can’t do it alone.
      Evaluate what you have in your life to be grateful for and determine if your marriage and husband are on the list… then you may know what to do next.

      • What i am finding so hard is that he just refuses to talk about anything. For him it is over and done with and move on. His Ap has said the same thing, can i just leave it and move on
        because she has. I have not been given anything from him to help me move on!

      • I guess you have to determine what you need. I knew I needed information and details. I knew I needed to ask questions so I could determine what this relationship meant to him at the time. I could read the emails but I needed to hear my husband’s interpretation beyond emails & text messages. I had very little interaction with his AP after D-Day. I emailed her in anger when I frist discovered it and asked her to be discreet and stay away.
        Your husband needs to understand that he may have to be removed from his comfort zone to gain your trust and forgiveness. I feel like my husband found answers through talking to me or our therapist. He couldn’t have the clarity he has without my probing questions. Good luck!

  5. Reading your words ….it has been two years since the affair…I can remember the day I found out ..shock..confusion..heart break beyond anything…I live each moment over like a tape replaying over in my mind…every damn day.
    We are together….
    Your letter …that is me..
    It is a club I never wanted to belong too…a lifetime gift of pain..
    I am not the same person I was…
    I am damaged.
    I wish that person suffered some of the pain I did…My life was forever changed by my husband and this piece of trash.

    • I agree… I never wanted membership to this club either. I thought I had done everything I needed to do to prevent this from happening but it still did…
      The doubts can eat me alive if I let them so I try not to dwell inside the pain.

      I wish I could know that karma would come back to get my husband’s AP.

    • It has been two years for me! I hurt. I am so angry. We had just moved in to the home I waited years to have. Within the first two weeks my life totally unravelled, it wasn’t just one, 8 year affair. I found out about three.

      It has destroyed me physically and emotionally. I have just recently washed our clothes together. I
      can’t stand to think something I had on could have touched her.

      He made the promise that he would do anything I asked if I didn’t leave. To date, he hasn’t. He went to one counseling appointment. I, on the other hand, daily swallow pills and pray.

      It hit me hard because so many in my family face health issues and crisis. The one person I should be able to trust, I can’t. I’m glad to find this site.

      • I’m glad you found everyone here too. I am sorry it took me so long to respond to your comment. Why won’t he go to therapy with you? That is the biggest thing I would push for. Being able to communicate and hear each other is important. I am sending you my prayers that you will find a new beginning and hope in 2014. Take care.

    • I know exactly how you feel. It has been two years for me too since I found out. My life has changed beyond recognition. I have always been such a house proud person suddenly I find it is now the most unimportant part of my life.I feel i drift through my life. It’s as though I don’t belong in my own life anymore He says his sorry, probably just sorry he got caught. We cannot undo what he has done and therefore it will be apart of ourlives forever. I no longer trust or respect him. This person who cheated on my twice without me knowing is not the person I married. I no longer know who this person is or what he is capable of. He cheated on me when I was pregnant. I don’t see me ever trusting or loving him again. I have asked him to leave he just says he loves me and wants to work it out. He tells me how beautiful I am and how sexy. Words he probably spoke to them. The worst is he was a really useless husband and dad to our kids. Yet he told his girlfriends as his excuse to have sex and leave that he had to get back for the kids because I wasn’t a good mum.

      I just want to move on with my life. Two years of misery and sadness is long enough after 26 years of marriage.

  6. It’s now just over 2 months since my DDay. My relationship with my husband has changed completely for the better. We now communicate. Make time for each other. He does what he has to do to prove to me what I need. He contacts me during the day he is totally transparent now. I’m not saying that things are perfect far from it but we are in a better place. He is still hurting and he hurts even more when I have bad days and he can see that I am still hurting and he feels totally ashamed. The bad days are getting less and less but again on the anniversary of my DDay it all came flooding back. I am still thinking about what they did and questioning if he has told me the whole truth which I think deep down I know he has because I don’t think he would have told me the things he has if he wanted to save me extra pain. I know he has no feelings for her and that they have no contact but she is still in my mind. There is nothing more my husband can do or say to prove to me that he is sorry and at it is me who he wants and loves but I have explained that he knows what he has done I have to believe him which is hard when I trusted him whole heatedly and be broke that trust. I am working on it and things are a lot better i can actually see a further again but I am still worried that we have come so far so quick especially when I read about people still being in a very bad way After a year or more. I hope I’m not rushing things it doesn’t feel like it but sometimes I’m frightened that its too good to be true lol. I do feel there is hope and a future again for my marriage even though it is nothing like it was before our relationship and marriage is totally different now but in a good way.

    • Thank you for your post. I’ve been having a bad week and your post gives me so much hope. It also helps me see the behavior that needs to happen to build trust again.
      Thank you so much. All the best to you both.

      • I am so glad my words have helped you. I wish you all the best and hope you soon feel that you are in a more positive place x

  7. I have a good day then a bad day.My husband will not give me any information what so ever, I feel like it is none of my business, he said it is over and that is all I need to know, perhaps one good thing she doesn’t live in the area. I’m now checking the milage on his car before and after he comes home from work which is making me sad. I need to fast forward to where I feel no hurt and pain. I used to be so strong and confident now I’m a little girl who needs reassurance. I glad I found this web site because I’m now beginning to understand that I’m not going crazy and this is part of the heeling process. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better than today.

    • You are not alone or going crazy. I needed all the information. Not everyone is like me. Some people don’t want to know. I needed to know as it was worse for me not knowing and my husband was willing to be totally honest with me no matter how hard it was. To be honest it tore him apart giving me the facts but we were both hurt but in a strange way felt better as ther were no more lies. You will get easier with time. I can’t say how long for me it has only been 2 months and our relationship is stronger. He knows I check up on him but he is totally transparent with me which makes it easier. Good luck

    • I hope that today is better than yesterday… Is your husband willing to read anything to help you heal? My husband found the book: “Helping your Spouse Heal From Your Affair” to be extremely helpful to him. The book is short and to the point. It tells the wayward spouse why transparency and honesty is important. It’s hard for them to acknowledge what they’ve done because they are so ashamed. When we want to talk it makes our husband’s see how much pain they caused. It’s hard to get past that but he needs to for your sake. You need to rebuild trust and you can’t do that if you don’t respect him–all this has to be earned again. The relationship you had pre-affair is over–this took my husband eight months to accept. I hope this helps… good luck.

  8. I cried when I just read this. Before I came to check my inbox lol I was thinking I am so happy I found your blog. Have I really thought for 3 years that nobody knew how I felt? I have been thinking I am crazy & there is something seriously be wrong with me. Ya there is….my husband had an affair!! I’m not losing my mind-I have been hurt and it’s ok to feel like I do. Thank you for being so open and honest.

    • I was thinking about what you said last night too… And I think something that has truly helped me is this blog. Women reaching out to me and telling me their story and feeling the same as I do. I could never imagine a year ago that I would ever feel like this… that I could reach such a tremedous low in my life and flip my marriage inside out. It’s coming back together but there are times it just feels like I’ll never be the same or live without a trigger again.
      Last night my son showed me a project he did in school about himself. And so much of the video was about having a strong family to support and love him through the ups and downs. My son has an incredible personality that is inspiring… and I couldn’t help but think how his outlook would have been impacted if he knew what his father had done. How much his world would have turned upside and doubt for what we taught him… These thoughts ate at me, hurting me and I couldn’t get out of them without telling my husband. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how he was able to get involved with this woman and believe that he wasn’t risking his marriage and children… I got through the triggers but it was not a good one. I made my husband promise me a few months ago that he will always allow me to tell him if I am triggered or hurting… even if it’s in 20 years. I need to know I can depend on him for emotional support.
      Anyways… thanks for writing me. I feel like I need it as much as you. :)

      • I had to email your reply to my husband. Its exactly how I feel. Im still having problems with triggers and thoughts of why would he risk his family for her, he says because he thought he would never get caught (which I can’t believe as he has watched enough movies and t.v shows to know everyone gets caught). 2 months before D Day I asked him if he was having an affair with that woman and he said no, it bothers me that he had a chance to end it then but couldn’t do it. So for 2 months I lived, with something I couldn’t put my finger on thinking I was going crazy.
        I am going to ask my husband to promise that I too can go to him if I am triggered or hurting. I need to know that I can depend on him to be a better person and put our family and me first.
        Thank you for your websight.

      • I hope your conversation went well with your husband. I often email my husband articles that I think may be helpful so that he can understand my viewpoint better. It’s not always easy. The pain, shame and remorse our husbands feel for their actions is severe and they need to deal with this too. I think they struggle to want to figure out what to do with that side of things because there is a sincere understanding that they chose to do this to the person they love and value most in the world. I hope things went well and he was open to listening to what you need.

      • Well I know that just reading here for the past few days has made me realize a few things. 1-I need to get my ass back to therapy 2- my husband really has work that he needs to do as well. Like I said previously….he left me a note and hid for 7 days. When he finally called me-I already knew that I HAD to allow him to come home because of the pending adoption. I wasn’t going to let them take THAT away from me also! Yes, he saw the tears and the anger for a a few months….but then “life” just kept happening and I am still stuck way back to D-day. I wish that I could have left my children out of it-it so touched my heart reading about your sons project. That is exactly how he should feel about his family. Unfortunately, my boys (from a previous relationship) were 15,16 & 18. They were all I had & my mom who was receiving chemo at the time. My 15 (now almost 18) was the other casualty besides me. She lived less then an 1/8 of a mi from us-he had to ride the bus every day with her children-who of course blames my husband as my boys blamed her. He was only 4 when I met my husband, there bio dad is useless, he quickly went into escape mode. He was seeing his mother, this rock, in the fetal position. I lost my job and fell into a deep depression. I still have days I don’t want to get up and dressed. I truly believe this has brought on physical pain as well. My health has deteriorated. So OF COURSE my husband, I think, truly believes that I have changed into this person I am now because of everything else-BUT THE AFFAIR. He really is clueless. Someone told me the other day about a book that I think I will get him. I think it’s time that we go back to marriage counseling. 3 sessions-not much sunk in. Time to get my back bone back-

    • I’m finding most of the stuff everyone’s contributing so helpful. Thank you all. Didn’t think I’d EVER be searching a site like this! My husband is ashamed, sorry, in a lot if pain over what he’s done to me and our 20 year marriage. I can’t speak to anyone about my pain, anger-all the things you’re all feeling- because I don’t want others to judge him or to damage his relationship with our family and friends. My two grown up daughters-his stepdaughters think the world of him (and he of them) and I couldn’t bring them all that pain, but I’m very close to my lovely girls and I long to have them comfort me.

      He’s doing all the right things, is open, comforts me and tries not to get defensive when I go on, and on and on-attacking him verbally and initially even physically. I can feel ok for a while then anger or pain take over.

      It’s been just over 6 months now, I didn’t find out, he told me, that helps I suppose. He still works with her but I trust him completely. As I always did, I knew he was talking to her, helping her deal with a lot of shit in her screwed up life. Pity I was so trusting really!

      I love him but find it difficult (like others) to understand how he could jeopardise what we had because he felt I didn’t need him and this rejection (his word) put distance between us. He didn’t talk to me, didn’t ask how I felt, explain how he felt and so try to work it all through, instead what followed was textbook, (only neither of us had read the book at that time!) he got too close to someone at work. She was troubled, very needy and around half his age, also 10 years younger than his older stepdaughter! He isn’t able to explain any of it because he doesn’t understand how he screwed up so badly.

      Like others, I’m furious and deeply hurt that he jeopardised all we have for someone he says he knew he was never going to have a future with and he now doesn’t even know what he saw in her. He says he never stopped loving me. Says it was about him and his screwed up head! Says he was happy in the life we lead-albeit with the usual ups and downs.

      The rejection and distance he felt from me wasn’t constant, but his “carrying on” with her continued. Even her pregnancy (she’s married too-what kind of first time, or any time, new mum carries on like she did with a married man old enough to be her dad and who is no George Clooney?) only brought a short break, they were back at it within weeks of her child being born. For two and a half years he carried out his lying and cheating.

      They didn’t have intercourse-he says that would’ve been a “cheat too far”. I think grading cheating is ludicrous. All the lying and sneaking around, the phsical stuff they did do, (like others, I’ve needed details too) and sexting, is as big a cheat, to my mind. He texted her all the time, when we were on nights out and I went to the loo, when our kids and grand kids were with us, when we were at their homes, on two Christmas days, on two of my birthdays, on our holidays. He says he separated it from us-I really struggle with that.

      We’ve been to counselling but I only found it slightly helpful. He’s still going as he has a lot of “sorting out” to do. We want our marriage to work but he’s not good about letting us go through a process. He wants the “Men are from Mars” “we need to fix this” approach. It’s helpful to know other women are taking a long time!

      • It sounds like you are both working hard to rebuild the marriage. Like you said, it’s not easy and it takes time but I am hopeful that someday none of this will bother me or be a second thought. It’s hard to imagine now but I think it’s possible.
        Keep talking, putting in the effort and step by step the trust will grow.

    • Don’t you find it strange that affair is such a small word yet it has such huge and devastating effects on your life, marriage, kids your self confidence.
      Yet the other women just move on with their lives.

      • Yes, I absolutely agree. It always saddens me to think how easy the decision was for my husband to fall into his affair and yet, we will probably be healing from this for years and years to come.

      • Oh I totally agree!! The other women have no idea how they have turned our lives upside down and the years it will take us to get through one day without thinking about them, yet they quite happily move on with their lives without one moment to look back at the destruction they have caused! I truly believe in Karma and some days that gets me through a lot! The other women very happy to be getting married to her fiancé and father of her two children after destroying my like and all that I thought was “my life” sick!!!
        Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom – let your email find you!

  9. Well it’s day 34 I’m getting ready for work and I justed vomitted what has that women done to me. I don’t know her what she looks like but my husband did say that I would jump over her head. Today I want my thoughts to be positive not negitive and waste no more energy on that piece of trash. I wish I didn’t think about her and what they did together. I have found information on the net and my hushand has read it and did agree with it. He said it’s over and to not look back and only look forward that’s easier said than done. Only positive thoughts today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • I am using this as my mantra for today!! I have the power to change what i no longer than or need! 5 months and i am still no closer to change”letting it go” my mind feels so weak.

      • I know how you feel and it was 3 yrs ago yesterday. It feels, on some days, like no time has passed at all. I have good and bad days. I find that my bad days are days that I allow myself to re-play it all over and over again. No matter how many times I have thought about it, I always end up with “one more question”. You can drive yourself crazy thinking about the whys and the hows……someone told me one time that I have the 1000 piece puzzle and only he knows what the puzzle looks like. He has ALL the pieces. We try and put it together and sometimes we have to be ok with what we have. I always feel like I wish I hadn’t asked after I get the answer. Hang in there. This blog has been great for me. It helps to know that there ARE actually people out there that YES-NO EXACTLY HOW YOUR FEELING.

      • 5 months yesterday, and yes i do replay it in my head everyday. I would like to get through one day without it in my head. the blog’s are a great help, just to know that all the thoughts and feelings are not crazy or irrational ! it has also helped me to see that the recovery time is going to be a lot longer than anyone can know!

      • That’s exactly how I was feeling when I found this blog!! I thought “ok it’s been long enough-this is crazy behavior” …..even my family will say “it’s been 3 yrs…you have to get over it” or the person in my family who has HAD it happened to them as well-years & years ago-and says “well I went thru the same thing but I wasn’t like you” -LOVE THAT ONE!! I really started to think I was losing my mind. Part of me felt weak because I stayed & felt like I sold myself out. I have always said I would leave my husband if I found him cheating….but now I know that you never know what you would do in any situation until your actually in it. I stayed because I do love my husband, I didn’t want to put my kids thru that, and I really had a good marriage….that sounds crazy to ME TO SAY THAT!!! Hang in there-none of us asked for this. None of us believed it would happen. I don’t know if you ever get over having that one person that you put all
        Your trust into, the one who should protect you-not hurt you-I don’t know if that pain will ever go away……but I know that it’s ok….

      • The tape recorder in your mind plays over an over because we hit the rewind button.I was very obsessed..still two yrs later…it can rear it’s ugly head…I am in a good place now…it took hard work.We are still together.It is truly wonderful for the most part…
        I still have sad moments..times I want to slap him upside the head..
        I think it isn’t fair we have to suffer this pain….love is not easy…
        Coming here helps..

  10. I have searched sites and I guess I will continue to do so. Looking for someone who has been in the same experience as I have.

    My WS told me about the affair just 10 months ago, 3 yrs after it ended. The girl was nearly 30 yrs younger than him and my best friend. The affair continued for at least 3 yrs – the woman was in my home most every day during that time, twice a day many days. My husband was 11-1/2 years older than me when we married and I gave up having a child for him, because he didn’t want anymore. He was 44 when we started dating and have been married for 13 yrs. For 15 yrs we always used protection to make sure no pregnancy occurred – Rubbers for the first year without fail. He did not use protection even one time with her and so of course, when she could see he was pulling away and afraid he wasn’t going to take her away from her “evil” husband, she made sure she got pregnant and had my husband’s child. The kid was the spitting image of him and I never saw it.

  11. Oops. I can’t get over so many feelings, but one of the big ones is that I can’t get over feeling like he gave her my child, the one I sacrificed for him. He is truly remorseful and loves me. Much of this was so obvious and done right in front of my face, but I had so much blind trust that I was just ignorant to the fact and it makes me feel so stupid. We are trying to make it work. We love each other. People keep telling me and insinuating that I had a part in this and wonder why I can’t just get over it and move on. After a few months out marriage seemed to be at its best ever even with the unending triggers, but in the last month, I have suffered a relapse and feel like I am losing my mind again. I have been pretty much non-functional for nearly a year and wonder when I will be able to work again (I work out of my home), when will I be able to clean my house, and/or cook dinner without such major effort. There are no children in our home and there probably never will be. I just turned 49 years old and am obviously too old for this to happen for me/us. And even if I could get pregnant, I am too unstable to go through this right now.

    • I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this… I hope you understand you are not alone. There is another blog that you may help you where the WS had a child with the OW: http://www.rescuingmymarriage.wordpress.com.
      The aftermath of an affair can cause severe PTSD and I think that is what you are suffering from. My therapist told me a few weeks ago that healing from a spouse cheating is very much the same as any major life trauma. The more you think about and dwell on the details of the affair the more you are reliving the pain of the affair. I’ve read a lot about the brain and how it processes trauma and there is a part of the brain that remembers pain with your memories–just like it was your D-Day. The way to get out of this cycle is to retrain your brain. Acknowledge painful thoughts when they come into your mind and then distract yourself with something else. If you need to make a list of topics that can distract you easily. Start a new hobby, force yourself to make small progress every day. I know that is easier said than done… but you are not alone… Find a support group through http://www.beyondaffairs.com . There are groups that meet all over the country and hopefully one near you. Having a place to go and having people that can relate to you will help.
      You did not have a part in your husband’s affair. He made the decision to cheat and he did not include you in that decision. If your relationship was vulnerable to infidelity then he should have been honest about what was going on. Often men feel like what they do in their day to day life outside the home does not affect their wife’s life. There is a realization after an affair is revealed that all our actions affect those we love. People who tell you to get over this have obviously never had to deal with the pain of infidelity. Find people that can support you and your husband and I hope you have a therapist that can help you too. {{Hugs}}

    • Julie,I am so sorry that you are going through this!It angers me so much to hear the callous comments from people to just get over it!You are dealing with several losses and betrayals here so its only right that you are given time to grieve those losses.In your case and many other women’s, we tend to sacrifice so much for our marriages.I hope you receive the help and answers you deserve.As for comfort,you can always receive it here in abundance.

  12. You are all so fortunate because your husbands choose to stay. Mine has left me and I don’t know if that is any better because I strill love him and will never be able to work it out or be with anyone else ever again because of the pain and betrayal.

    • Hi Not OK… I am sorry that whatever you were googling brought you to my blog. And I am sorry that your husband left. You are not alone… there are so many women on here that share your story and understand your pain. The betrayal is earth shattering because for each and every one of us–this was the person we trusted most with our lives.
      There is an amazing blog on here that may help you: http://www.lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.wordpress.com. Although the details of your story may be different she has managed to pick up the pieces of her life and build something stronger and beautiful. I hope you can find some peace here somewhere.

    • Not okay, I am not okay either!! It has been 18 months since D day. My husband told me for two weeks that he left her and we were could work on our marriage but that was another set of lies!!! He had no such plans! After I confronted him again he said that his feelings were strong for OW and he had no such plans to leave her.
      We have been married for 25 years and he left and told me the next day that I needed to focus on myself and move on!! OMG I was still in shock and he was telling me to move on. All within 2 weeks of D day.
      He had checked out a long time ago just never told me! He has told me that our divorce has nothing to do with his affair. He blames me that our adult children don’t understand. The pain of him just walking out like he put out the trash is unbearable!! He left me at 51 to finish raising our children while he plays house with a younger childless woman. He is a true narcissists and I don’t want him back but the pain of rejection… And to know that he not only doesn’t care at all and is trying to ruin me more. All while I get to watch him be happy and enjoying everyday.

      Still have waves of crying and not sure why. Really just so angry

      Jenn

      • CHRISTINE…

        I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR PAIN…I WOULD NEVER SAY ANY OF US ARE LUCKY…IT HAS BEEN TWO YEARS..I CAN STILL RECALL EVERYTHING AS THOU IT WAS YESTERDAY…
        I FILED FOR DIVORCE…THREW HIM OUT….WENT THRU ANGER…SADNESS…EVERY EMOTION .SHOCKED IT HAPPENED TO ME..
        WE WENT TO COUNSELING FOR OVER A YEAR AND A HALF..I STOPPED THE DIVORCE..LET HIM COME BACK.HE WAS REMORSEFUL..CHANGED MAN..
        CHRISTINE…YOUR HUSBAND IS BEING FOOLISH.LIVING IN A MAKE BELIEVE WORLD.TRUST ME IT WILL CRASH DOWN AROUND HIM…AN AFFAIR NEVER WINS.
        PLEASE DO NOT EVER THINK YOU ARE ALONE.WE ALL FEEL YOUR HEARTACHE.
        IF YOU LOVE HIM…HE STILL LOVES YOU THEN IN TIME AND HARD WORK LIFE WILL GET BETTER..
        STAY STRONG !!
        ANDREA

  13. So glad I found this blog. Found out in March that myH was having a sexting affair. Swears there was no physical contact or sexual contact. But I know what I read. I’m not stupid. My H ended it on the phone with me in the room… is going to counseling…. is really really trying. And I’m thankful for this. But what I’m struggling with is the constant replay in my mind of what I read. I look at him when we have sex and I want to cry. When does this stop? I didn’t see them together but the crazy part of my mind has made a horrible movie that replays with every thought. I’m smiling on the outside & crumbling on the inside .

    • Hi, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this too. I want to write a post about getting out of the cycle of triggers. You are still on the early side of healing and figuring out how to deal with the pain. Sometimes it’s hard to not let everything in our minds get in the way of the present. Throughout my healing I have had to learn to turn my mind off–not let my imagination or pain run wild. It’s so easy to feel the pain and allow myself to sink into like quick sand but that’s not what I want.
      When a painful thought comes into your mind–acknowledge it and then distract yourself with something else (kids, work, housework, loud music… whatever it is that will help you). You need to allow yourself to be happy again.
      Sometimes I have to remind myself that no one took anything from me. I am not broken. I still have my life, my family and my husband is living his love for me every single day since the discovery. And not everyone has that.

      • Thank you for your words. Its exactly what I needed to hear… I’ve been better this week in trying to distract my thoughts.. but its a daily process. I know I’m not crazy… I’m hurting. The words I read are forever burned into my thoughts…. sometimes I want to call this woman and scream at her. Tell her how much I hate her.

  14. I found out on Mother’s Day that my husband had an affair with a mutual friend. I have tried but I can’t get over his betrayal. I am fixated on details that he insists he can’t remember and I really don’t ever feel that I will be able to forgive him or forget his lying and infedelity.

    • Hi,
      My heart goes out to you and I hope you know you are not alone. The first few months were miserable for me too. Looking back I don’t know how I survived. Every day I needed to find out every detail and figure out what the heck happened to my happy marriage. I spent many days crying in bed, in the shower, sitting on the floor of my bedroom in pieces.
      I know many of the details of my husband’s affair–my husband was willing to answer all my questions. Sometimes there were things he couldn’t recall exactly. But now, as I heal and move forward I realize that there are many details that I am not sure I want to know now. It’s such a fine line… The hardest thing for me was reading the emails they sent because those are the words I can’t get out of my head. Yet, those are the words my husband can’t even recall writing to her. Ironic how that works.
      It was hard for me to know if I was going to be able to forgive my husband. What I knew was that I still cared about him deeply and when I evaluated the depth of our relationship I knew I would never find this type of love again. I hate that he cheated–and that will never change. And I am still working on forgiveness, trust and respect. It’s an every day committment to move forward and not get trapped in the affair that is in the past. My only advice is to figure out what you want. If you need time alone–then figure out a way to get it and try to get some peace of mind.
      I don’t know if anything I am saying will help. I hope you can take some time for yourself.

  15. I am so exhausted from all of this affair shit,,I can barley think straight ,I go to work everyday just so im not THINKING about it all F’N day!.D day for me May 31 2013..I feel like I have a VERY Long way to Go. Thanks for all the posts they do help

    • I hope you can get your mind off of it for at least one moment every day. I felt like I couldn’t not think about it in the beginning. Probably because it throws everything into question. Eventually not every thought will be as painful as it once was and there will be things about the affair that lose their power over you with time. Then one day you’ll have a morning where you don’t think about the affair and you’ll be amazed. I remember somone advising me that I had to go through this and allow myself to feel the pain and hurt and accept what happened before it will get better. And it does get better, it just takes time and a ton of patience.

    • I NEVER LOOKED AT IT THAT WAY..YOU SAID IT ALL…
      IT IS A CLUB WE NEVER WANTED TO BELONG TOO…

      NO ONE UNDERSTANDS EXCEPT THOSE WHO HAVE SUFFERED THE MOST GUT WRENCHING AGONY..

      NOT FAIR

  16. Jenn,I fully understand your anger and deep hurt but believe me when I tell you you will survive and thrive. No my husband and I did not dirvorce when I found out about his “great” love affair many years ago with a married woman and mother of two. We were suppose to be trying to work on our marriage but many months later I found out the only reason my husband stayed in our marriage was becaise the OW decided not to leave her husband for him. No doubt that caused him much anger and hurt. I was pregnant with our fourth child at the time but that did not stop the OW from telling me that if she and her husband did not stay together that my husband would be with her. We moved to another state and he did seem committed to our marriage but it was never the same again. Some times I find myself looking at him even now and wonder who this person I am married to really is.
    Now I will tell you over the years I have had quite a few friends who have discovered their husbands or wives have had affairs, some of the marriages appeared very happy and some have had difficulties such as abuse.None of them stayed in their marriage even though they tried for the sake of their children. Without exception after much healing the six of them went on to meet other partners who became wonderful role models to their children and they are very happy. All except one of the exes went on to lead a fulfilled married life and the two who married their affair partner were again divorced within six years. Surprisingly it was the wives who cheated in the second
    marriage. I quite often think they were the lucky ones. By the way I also discovered many years later that my husband had an affair very early in our marriage with friend of mine. He has told me when I asked him why he just didn’t ask for a disvorce that he has never wanted a dirvorce from me

    worked part

  17. D day for me was the 25th May 2013. I found emails from them to each other. He had walked out for a couple of weeks previously blaming me and my family for the reasons he left. Was nasty and hurtful to me. I had asked him many times if there was someone else and he swore (even on the grandchildrens lives) that there wasn’t! He was back living with me before I found the emails. I confronted them both and he told me it was already finished, he ‘didn’t know why’ he’d emailed phoned and text’d her!! I was treated as if I was the ‘other woman’ by HER! Constant nasty emails. She still keeps contacting him and dropping by his work to try and catch him. I know where she lives works etc. I just want it to stop going round and round in my head.

    • Wow. I hope your husband can push her away for good. You don’t deserve to be attacked by her. She’s probably just trying to stay in his life by keeping the contact with you. Try to keep your head held high and move forward.

  18. I have been reading articlesand books for months and I always end up right backto the same place, hysterical. cryingand broken. My D-day was March 25th, but my story is a little different. Just short of fifteen years of marriage, my husband turned to the internet to find an affair becasue his life was boring and he was not happy. His first lustful encounter was shortly after signing up for the dirty dating site in Nov. of 2012, by Dec. 2012 he was back for another since according to him “sex always feels good”, then he nearly quit after the first two encounters because he wasn’t getting the f+++ buddy he was seeking. Then in February a woman he had IM early responded and this one took some planning, nearly a month beforethey could have sex. it was four days later I found out, reading a text that my 10 year old son overheard. Within weeks we had found out not only was my husband suffering from depression but he takes testosterone injestions for hypogondaism and his testosterone was through the roof, 5xs the the amount a man of his age should be. Which although not an excuse, leads to increased libido, risk taking behavior and blurred consequence to reward ratio, or something. We did do marriage therapy but he was still hiding the truth about his 4 1/2 month sex rump endeavors. he has since turned himself over to God and started individual therapy, but I wonder is it enough. He risked everything, although loving his wife and children all the while, is this a man I want to trust with my heart and my children’s hearts again. I struggle daily. Although transparent, and a total open book, I have so much anger and disappointment, I wonder if it would be better to separate rather than try to repair.

    • Hi Carolyn,
      Only you know how much you can handle and that may change day-to-day. It sounds like your husband has a narcotic and sex addiction that were fueling each other. He will need to go through counseling and figure out the root of the addiction—was it always there and suppressed? Or was it the result of stress or a mid-life crisis? His behavior was never about you or your son–it was about him and a feeling of emptiness he saught to fill. Struggling with anger and disappointment is natural but don’t get stuck there. When you begin to think about the affair–the details of it will bring back the pain. Healing from an affair is just like healing from any other trauma. The more you dwell on the facts and what was going on, the more it triggers your brain to feel sad, disappointed, threatened and angry. Try to acknowledge your pain and then distract your brain. Children are the perfect distraction too. Start a hobby that makes you happy–cooking, scrapbooking, gardening, reading–anything that can give you a break from this pain.
      I hope you are having more good days than bad. You will be happy again.

  19. Thanks for your reply. I am so glad I found your blogs. They are very helpful. I have looked everywhere for some help from other women who are going through the same crisis as me.
    I am having counselling and they advised that what she was doing was stalking and it would be impossible for me to move on with HER still in the relationship with her constant emails etc. I forced my husband to contact the police (he didn’t want to, even though it was destroying me). They went round to see her and told her not to contact either of us again. Of course she lied and said it was us contacting HER!!! I am now doubting whether he HAS broken contact with her. I feel like I’m going mad with the questions and doubts going round and round in my head. The stupid thingis, I didn’t blame her at all at first, until she started being abusive towards me.
    He would leave my bed early in the mornings and go to sleep with HER!! He is still getting up at the same time but now phones me when he gets to work. How do you trust again??

    • You can’t trust him again immediately. It will take a long time to build that trust back. In Anne Brecht’s book she compares trust with your spouse to a bank account. When you discover infidelity–your spouse’s account has a deficit and will have to earn it back. I sometimes wonder if it will ever be 100% again. The other night my husband and I were talking about that exact same thing. I told him that I hope my trust will be at 99.99% someday but I know that will take years. But I will never give him that .01% because that is mine now.
      I considered getting a restraining order against my husband’s AP but never followed through. I just felt like she was quiet at that point and I wanted her to stay away. I am almost positive my husband’s AP was not only stalking me but that she is a sociopath. During the affair she colored her hair like mine, grew her hair out (I have long hair) and tried to immitate me. Her husband actually told me she was cyber-stalking me on Pinterest and FB. Sick, sick person.

      • Sounds so familiar to my story. I know she is cyber stalking me too. Plus she had her hair cut and coloured the same as mine! I am blonde, she WAS brunette. They definitely have a personality problem. My husbands AP’s last boyfriend was six years ago and again a married man! From what I gather she was still pursuing until she managed to get her claws into my husband. She insidiously managed to worm EVERY detail about me and the children etc. Even down to where we first made love etc!! As you say sick, sick people.

  20. Hi, it’s been 2 years today since I found out the man I have lived with for 23 years and the father to our three children had an affair with a coworker 8 years ago and sextexting a 21 year old all in the same week. He lied and lied when I found out, I still don’t know all the details. I hate him more and more each day, the love and trust I had for him died the day I found out. I think I’m done trying now, I can’t go on living with this pain. He won’t talk about it and I’m fed up of trying to get answers to my questions. I wish nobody has to go through this. I’m a different person now and I really don’t like who I’ve become since finding out.

    • One of the most difficult aspects for me was not allowing the affair to fundamentally change me. I didn’t lie or cheat but yet I feel like it has shifted my expectations. I decided that his AP never took anything from me. I wish that no one else had to go through this pain and suffering too.

  21. Its like she was in my head reading my every thought. I could read on on. Thank you for sharing and don’t stop.

  22. Its been 2 months since my h told me he cheat on me … he told me he stopped talking to her but the I found out he was lying over and over again …. then I read his emails and they had a code so I wouldn’t kno that they were keeping tabs on eachother … so he finally stopped communicating and codes and everything cuz he said he wants to be with me and his kids …. but he tells still till this day he misses her and gets tempted to contact her but doesn’t …. also he won’t post pics of me or of us on his instagram …. and today I pretend that I went on his phone and put my pic on his instagram and he got mad and said its okay I’m gojng to delete it …. he said all the beautiful things to her and he said he doesn’t kno y he can’t b romantic to me …. also he says he trying to rekindle his feels for me cuz … I was not a housewife type at alll and my h would work come home cook and clean after 5 yrs he got tired and his love died … I wish he had communicated wit me instead of going else where …. also thank god no sex just kissing .. now if he he still misses her should I just leave and let them be or should I keep fighting and hopefully he willget over her … he regrets not talking with me and going else where but doedoesn’t regret being with her …. HELP please … do I stay or do I go !
    All thoughts appreciated
    Ps … sex has been 100% better …but I need more

    • Hi Heart Broken,

      I could never tell you whether to stay or go. My advice would be to try to figure out why your husband feels like he cannot let go of his affair partner. Why does he miss her and feel like there is a romantic disconnection in your marriage? Most affairs have little to do with the marriage and everything to do with the unfaithful spouses needs and underlying insecurities and vulnernabilities. Much of our personality is formed when we are children and from the bonds with our parents and siblings.
      Tell him why not posting pictures of you on instagram makes you feel insecure. That his relationship with this OW has made you vulnernable and you need him to help make you feel safe again. One of those things may seem silly to him-but a picture on instagram makes you feel safe. When my husband was involved in his affair I constantly made jokes about him having a “girlfriend on the side” because I was insecure. I felt like if I joked about it and made sarcastic comments it would make my suspicions go away. But it didn’t. Now I tell him straight out if I need something or if I am upset. I am not sure if this is similar to how you feel or not.. but let your emotions be transparent to your husband.

  23. So glad I found this blog. I just confronted my husband on Sunday after finding some text messages that confirmed everything. I had suspected something over 2 years ago and had asked him (when I was 6 months pregnant!) on a couple of occasions and he denied it but this last time I could not shake the feeling and went into his phone
    and got an eye full. The problem is this my husband is this woman’s mentor. He came clean when I told him what I had seen but he will not give me the exact time it started. I feel like it is important to know.
    Does it matter? He told me a couple of years but I want to know exacly

    • Hi Dazedandconfused,

      In my opinion I believe the unfaithful partner needs to answer any question the betrayed spouse has. I understand that not every question is necessary or even helpful. I told my husband that sometimes the questions would eat at me inside my head. If I didn’t ask the questions–I began to imagine the answers and they were always much worse than the truth. So for me, asking the questions gave me some security. To know that there were no secrets between us–to know that I know the details of their intimacy but she doesn’t know about us gave me some power back. It may seem so silly but it helped me move forward. My husband has answered all my questions–and sometimes the answers did hurt but even then, I was able to understand what happened and why he was involved. If it matters to you then yes, it matters. You need to feel safe in your marriage again and he can give that back to you if he chooses.

    • I am always sad for another woman hurt.It does matter..some women do not want to know details.I did.Two years later I still want to know.Betrayel has to be the worse.For the life of me I will never understand what gives them the right to cheat..

      Take care of yourself..I know how you feel…exactly..

      Andrea

      • How do you deal with not knowing 2 years later? It has been almost a year and I still don’t have the answers I seek. I feel having the answers can help me to feel security by way of my partner telling me everything I inquire about and helping me to feel there are no lies between us. I continuously feel like there are reasons he doesn’t want to provide answers, possibly to continue the affair. After he told me it was over, I found that he still talked to her, not as often as before, but still he had lied to me about discontinuing all forms of contact. It has been a month or so after I have threatened to leave if I can’t have answers, but I was still told that he wasn’t willing to discuss anything about the topic EVER. I feel I need it to heal, I’ve been trying for so long but the pain still exist daily. I don’t know how to believe he loves me or cares for me when he won’t provide what I need to heal. I don’t know if he is even remorseful in that he won’t talk about anything. It’s as if I discovered it. He said he cheated without affirming or clarifying the details of what little I found. He declares he has moved on and wants to be faithful and devoted to us, but how do I know he is being honest? How do I trust? It be vulnerable with him again?

      • I don’t know. I feel like knowing all the details was so helpful to me. I always wonder how I would move forward if he hadn’t been open and willing to answer every little question–even if it served no purpose. There was a night I told my husband that even the questions that seem to have no purpose I need answered because it festers in my head. When I didn’t ask a question it would turn into something else and I would end up sad, frustrated or angry about the mystery behind my question. Often, what I imagined the answers to be were much worse than the truth. I think it was helpful for my husband to understand what these questions and doubts were doing inside of me.
        Will your husband go to therapy or a support group for waywards? There are seminars for men that cheat that may help him too. One very important factor is honesty… It was lacking during the affair and he is the only one who can give you that back. Have you read “Joseph’s Letter”… it may be something you can read with your husband. Here is a link to it: http://repairingshatteredpieces.com/need-to-know-and-josephs-letter/

  24. Guys I have had a major breakthrough since I was last on this site.At the time I felt and told my hubby that I wasn’t sure if this was what I wanted.Yesterday I decided it wasn’t fair on my family to remain in limbo so I made a massive decision to ring the mistress!!!I know that most people are against it but for me I just had a lot of things I needed to say.So I rang her and when I said who I was she said oh,wow,ok how can I help you.At first I wanted to scream down the phone at her but I completely kept my cool and said I wasn’t ringing to argue,I was ringing so that I could get her side of the story.She said I’ll try my best to help you but I may not remember all the details so I said I don’t really want any details,I just want to know who you are and what would make you do something so awful.Basically we were on the phone for nearly an hour.i let her do most of the talking and she said she felt so ashamed of herself,she’s never done this before and never will,she ended up telling me more or less what my husband had being saying.She said he’d never say a bad word about me and that he said he loved me but he was unhappy in himself or something along those lines.She said they talked alot and it progressed from there.She didnt feel they loved eachother.She hasn’t spoken to him since and she doesn’t hate him or feel love for him and she’s keeping away because she feels disgusted that she crossed that line.She apologised and said she hoped that what they did would not ruin our marriage.I just said I wanted to hear what you had to say and I hope that you have learned from it.She said she always knew that it wasn’t a proper relationship.She said she was glad that I rang her and was surprised that i didnt want to know everything.And that was it!I know it could’ve gone another way but for me I like a chapter to literally close and for me,the chapter is now closed.i haven’t told my husband that I rang her because I did this for me!When I put the phone down it was like a monster had left the room!i was crying everyday and I didn’t cry once today!i went shopping with my kids and didnt have a panic attack thinking that I’d bump into her.i think for me even if she was rude it wouldn’t have mattered,just facing my own demons has been for me the omega!My husband has invited me to go away and I’ve said yes.Who knows how I’ll feel in a week or in a few years but hand on heart,this is the most peaceful ive been in two years!!!i hope everyone understands that this is something I needed to do.I will keep you all posted,your advise has been a life saver.

    • I couldn’t believe I talked to the other woman and like you i was surprised that she offered so much info. Some say if you ask, the details you get are stuck in your head forever. And they are, but the info gave me insight to he did it b/c of his own demons and not b/c he didnt love me anymore. Whuch that was very important to me.

    • I am so happy that you were able to find some peace in this for yourself. It’s interesting heating what your husband’s AP said because most of it aligns with how my husband felt about his AP and life at the time. He never spoke badly of me and I found emails of him telling her how much he loved me and telling her not to ask about me or our marriage. I do believe that things cross a line not because our husbands desired these women but because there was an unhappiness inside them. I know this felling of contentment may not last forever but try to recall it when or if you do trigger again. :)

      • We’ve just got back from the holiday and I still have a peaceful feeling.I think it is mainly to do with the fact that I took control.I was in control of when is speak to her and what I’d ask.If I’d have ring her just after finding out about the affair I think it would’ve panned out worse for me.I made it clear that I didn’t feel sorry for either of them and that if I had consequences stemming from their actions them its only fair that they did too.I felt a bit surprised that she said she asked him what I was like and he responded that I am his best friend and that he would only ever be married to and see himself being married to me.I thought to myself does this woman have any pride at all???She said at the time she felt lonely and getting the bit of attention served its purpose.She also said that as she didnt see it going anywhere she didnt really think too much about me.Before contacting her,thinking about it (which was and to be honest still is a daily occurrence),haunted me.I would literally feel a heavy feeling in my heart,the type you feel when you have that traumatic cry.I still think about it but I don’t feel that hurt in my heart…so far.Its still early days but I’ve started thinking about my future which I couldn’t do before.I don’t feel the need to pander to my husband out of fear that I’ll drive him away.Im just happy to finally feel happy in myself…and to be honest I’m happy to hear that the mistress suffered some type of humiliation or hurt.i always felt that I didn’t know if I could wait for karma.Hearing her tell me how she felt made me feel empowered because unlike the messages I saw which I somehow portrayed her as this fantastic too good to be true person,she really was not and she told me this without me even asking her.At that point it was more about getting in control and getting myself to realise that I am a better person.Make no mistake that if this happens again i will not put up with it.i don’t have the strength to go through this again.I really do hope that this attitude lasts forever!i look in the mirror and see smiling eyes when I smile.My husband and I are back together but the trust is still at the foundation stage.i don’t think I will fully allow myself to totally trust again.Im just shocked that all it took was a phonecall!

  25. I just found this blog. I am exactly 1 week from my D Day. I have been consumed with it ever since. My husband actually had feelings for his AP. He is having to deal with those as well as the feelings for me. He says he wants to work on our marriage. His AP is married as well, with children. The physical part of the affair didn’t happen until late into it. The whole thing lasted 6-8 months. It has been devastating for me. He has and will continue to answer any questions I have for as long as I have them. I feel cheated though, that I can’t say anything to this woman. Her husband found out about the affair and confronted my husband. I am sure there was some satisfaction in that. I have written her a letter. I want to email it through a temp email address I want to set up. He says no, everyone says I shouldn’t send it. I keep wanting to send it. Like you, I never thought this would happen to me and my husband. Ever! We have been married 17 years together for 24. We have probably talked more in this last week than we have in the last 5 years. Sometimes, I think I won’t be able to make it through this.

    • Hi Leah,
      I am sorry you are dealing with the mess of your husband’s affair. It’s amazing the conversations and discussions that come out after an affair is revealed/discovered. I lost my fear of telling my husband my insecurities or fears once I knew the truth. For the first time in our relationship I thought if he wants to be with me then he needs to know everything–whether it’s hard to say or not.
      As your husband begins to answer questions for you he may discover that his feelings for his AP weren’t actually for her. Often the APs become a “safe” place where they can ignore their mid-life crisis vulnerabilities and escape all their self-doubt. Unfortunately, what happens as a result is in the healing process they realize they trusted the wrong person and created a real reason to hate and be disappointed in themselves. I used to wish I had the opportunity to have the choice for him to have the affair too. If I had been included in the decision making process I would have been able to say–”hey, this is going to destroy you and you’ll never get back what you’ve put into this.” But we weren’t give this option so alas, we are part of the rebuilding process.
      It’s up to you whether you send the email or not. I still fantasize about sending my husband’s AP a letter. But in my situation his AP really is a predator (I’ve heard a rumor she moved onto another married man since my husband and she’s lost her job as a result), so she wouldn’t even care or have the ability to understand what I am saying. Honestly, I think you have to do whatever it takes to heal but let things digest first. I wrote a letter two weeks out and saved it on a flash drive–I never sent it to her. I edited over the past 11 months and now realize much of it did not need to be said. I will tell you that I contacted the AP’s ex-husband (they were still in the divorce process) and found out the lies she had spun to my husband (she told him she was separated but she wasn’t at all). After I contacted the husband he had some information for mediation and she realized it came from either me or my husband so she confronted my husband in person. So my advice is that you may draw her back into your life if you send her an email–and decide if you want that or not. I really want my husband’s AP to drive her car off a cliff vs. ever dealing with her sorry @ss again.
      Take care of yourself… 1 week is still rough. Don’t fixate on things all day. Often things aren’t as bad as you imagine they are and I know that sounds crazy but it’s true.

  26. I just read this post and I feel like I could have written it yesterday, or the day before, or six weeks ago… I hate myself for the person that I have become, and on most days, I’m pretty sure that fading away may be a healthy option, but I refuse to give in and give up.

    Every word my husband speaks, I question. I think about how I should have been more attentive and just dropped by his job or insisted on him giving me the pass-code for his phone, but I didn’t because I didn’t think that he would ever betray me in such a way.

    Sometimes I look at him and I feel so much love but then want to smack myself because how could I love someone who treated me this way? This is such a strange line to walk, and regardless of my educational background, the extent of my life experience, or the words of friends, I know that I am learning a little more each day and growing with each lesson. Things may never be perfect, and with school, work, and our family, I don’t have the time to follow my husband around and make sure that he is on the straight and narrow, but I wish I did. I wish that my free time was not consumed by the intrusive thoughts relating to my husband’s affairs. I remember when he came to me weeks before I knew anything and told me that in 7.5 years he has never once been happy; that scab may never heal.

    So here we are, the betrayed, learning about ourselves and those who share our hurt and pain. I wish I could share my feelings, as intimately, with my husband, but unfortunately he does not have the capacity for understanding that our readers possess and he may see these words as slams and not what they really are, bits of ointment on the many scars upon our hearts.

    • There are so many spouses out there that cannot hear what is being said because so many walls have been built up for a false sense of protection. While my husband was involved in his affair he was able to believe that because his AP told him constantly that she cared about me and our children that the affair wouldn’t hurt me. Yet, in the back of his head there was fear that if I knew the truth I would leave him. And, honestly, I always believed I would leave him if he cheated. In fact, I was going to leave and take the kids with me. But things don’t always go the way you might think. It’s never that black & white.
      I’ve read bits and pieces of your blog. I don’t think your husband’s unhappiness is connected to you–I think there is a piece within him that is broken. There used to be a blog on here by a woman who’s husband had multiple affairs and one long-term AP. He was not only a sex addict but hiding a narcotics addiction from her too. This wasn’t because he was unsatisfied with their marriage but because of his addictive personality, his childhood experiences that formed his personality. I wish she hadn’t deleted her blog because it was a great resources for betrayed spouses and even waywards.

      • Totally agree with you, nothing is ever black and white. I also thought that if my husband ever came to me and told me he had an affair I would leave, but I didn’t and currently have not intention of doing so. It would be so much nicer if life came with an instruction manual…

  27. Hi Leah , read your post. your story sounds pretty similar to mine. the affair lasted about what 8 months and also the sex only happened late into the relationship. my D Day was just 22 Feb 2013. The difference being that my husband will not talk or answer questions! He says the relationship is over and he does not want his transgressions picked apart on a daily basis and that if he told me the details he fears that i would just hate him more. Not being able to talk openly is not helping me heal.
    I asked SKANK BAG (his Ap ) to meet with me a week after i found out. she agreed to meet me. It helped me at the time but as time went on i saw that so much of what She told me was lies! 4 months after that so i sent her an sms Telling her exactly what i thought of her and her lies, that message was intersepted by her husband and she then said that could i just leave her alone as she has moved on and i must just leave it!! My husband was angry with me too, even though i asked him before i sent the message and he said i was free to do what ever i felt was right. My husband just has the attitude that it is over and done with and there is no further discussion .SKANK BAG has moved on he has moved on and i am expected to do the same. Not easy to cope with! So as far as sending the message I would think about what you want to say and then be prepared for a reaction you will get from her!! in week’s time you might regret it? Be prepared for a rollercoaster journey of emotions! Take each day as it comes and Ty not to be impulsive with words or actions! Try hard to just think things through before acting! i will say that are a lot of things i had done differently in hose first few weeks. Join us all in our journey and by sharing and reading other people’s journey helps you know you are not alone!!

  28. After 20 years of what I considered a perfect marriage, my best friend ripped my heart to shreds by betraying me with an affair. D-day was Sept.9 , 2012. The day my world changed 4-ever. I chose to work on trying to put my marriage back together, but the one year mark is cast approaching and I’m very anxious. Even though my husband has been trying his very best in every way to do everything he can2 do whatever he can yo repair the damage I feel overwhelmed and pressured to just “get over it”. I hide my pain because I don’t want to punish him. I fantasize about pounding the shit out of the ow….oh forgot to mention she was supposed to be one of my close friends… yeah right…. note to self NEVER TRUST ANOTHER WOMAN WITH YOUR MAN! just wanted to unload a little be 4 I lose myself in this heartbreak…..

    • This is the place to unload and get it all off your chest. I remember being on a conference call with Anne Bercht back in March and she said don’t rush through the pain. Feel it… really feel it so that you can let it go when you are ready. Now, that could be taken wrong because wallowing in the pain is miserable. As your one year mark approaches don’t focus on the pain of that day. Try to look at how far you’ve come and figure out what you want next. In the book Not Just Friends, Shirley Glass recommends making a list with your spouse–what are the 5 things I need in this relationship and what are the 5 things I think my spouse needs. I keep meaning to do this but haven’t yet. As we approach that one year mark too I think my husband and I really need to open up these thoughts for discussion.
      Take care.

  29. I’m with you every step of the way on that the only other thing that i’d add to that on my part is it bothets me that i’m the one who’s always hurt and i’m bothered he don’t seem to bothered that he put me here

  30. I am two years past.It is never past.It is my new normal.It is what I think about everyday.How much I loved.I trusted and believed in my husband.
    Now I will never look at him the same.Trust him the same.I lost respect…how could a man…any man cheat on a woman he loves.
    I do not buy any excuses.No mid life crisis.Just a weak disgusting man.
    So for every man who lies..cheats…betrays his wife.My only thought is….I HOPE IT WAS WORTH IT….
    For me…he is NOT WORTH IT!

  31. I’m in a different position to most of you on this blog site. After 34 years of marriage I left my husband because he was suffering from mental health issues he wouldn’t admit to. He treated me very badly for many years and the more I tried to please him,the worse he became. Following a family trauma which he completely distanced himself from and gave me no support, I decided to leave. Not because I didn’t love him, I did. Loving him was the reason I had to leave because his behaviour towards me was destroying me and my self-esteem was rock bottom. I felt completely worthless and unloved. All of our family and friends supported me, to the point where they pretty much abandoned him. That was two years ago. Within two weeks, a woman approached him and they started a full-blown physical affair. I found out almost immediately when the itemised phone bill dropped into my email inbox. He was devastated that I’d found out and insisted we talk. he told me then that she meant nothing to him but he kind of liked her and she listened to him. After a while he contacted me to say that if we could get back together he would finish with her. I won’t write here what I said to him about that! Anyway, to cut a long story short, he did finish with her after 3 months and he said he realised he’d made a massive mistake. He started medication for his illness and we’ve been together ever since. He’s been attentive and pretty much perfect in every way. He did give me details of the affair when I asked him, but only for a week or two. He said he would never have gone with her if I hadn’t left, which I really do believe is true. So, now I am the one in the wrong. He won’t talk about it now at all. He says it is the past and I am now expected to forget it. Maybe he has a point. I did instigate the separation. However, it doesn’t stop there being 3 in the bed. I know they had amazing sex because he told me so while he was still seeing her. And she is younger and prettier than me with no physical hang-ups!!) He did say that he never ‘Made Love’ to her though and has only ever loved me. I still keep imagining them together. Not just the sex but the conversations, the meals, the sleeping side by side, the reading the Sunday papers together, the shopping trips. It’s coming up to the 2 year anniversary and the pain is still so hard to bear. But somehow I feel that I have no right to feel this way. I can’t accuse him of cheating on me because in reality, he didn’t. He knows I still feel the pain but I can’t talk to him about it as it always comes back to ‘Well you left’. My problem, not his. Some days are better than others but I’m worried sick that it will push us completely apart. Some people have told me to count my blessings and move on. I know I should but just can’t.

    • Hi Ellen,
      I am sorry it took me a few days to reply. I can hear the frustration in your writing and I understand. As much as you want to push through the pain you are still stuck. It seems like you are holding yourself accountable for what happened too much. You don’t need to punish your husband or harbor anger but stop comparing yourself to his AP. The more you need details about the affair the more you are torturing yourself, reliving the pain and anger. I think you are searching for either a fault in the AP or for your husband to fill in some missing link for you.
      I would bet if I asked your husband he would tell me that sex with you is amazing, your are beautiful, he loves spending his mornings with you and spending time together. I would hope that your husband might be willing to help you get to the next step. Have you guys gone to therapy? If not, I would try to go together and if he will not go then you should go on your own to figure out what is holding you back. Healing from infidelity is hard work and I hope you can do the work together and build a stronger marriage.

      • Thank you for replying. We did try therapy but he made it absolutely obvious that it was all for me. Something I needed to get over to move on. There’s no remorse on his part for what happened. He says he did it because I left. That part is right. He did. It would never have happened if I hadn’t left. But that is where everything stops with him. 34 years of marriage and he shared everything physical we ever had with someone else. It really is my problem. He had his fun with her while I was dying. I didn’t want to leave him. I think he wants to finish with me for good because I can’t get over it. He’s a very attractive man and will be approached by women in a flash. So yes, I’m in a mess.

  32. Until you get the answers to all of the questions about the betrayal of your marriage, until your spouse at least offers some feeble explanation for why he chose to risk everything to satisfy his own, never-shared needs, then there is very little chance that the relationship can be saved. I realized that, after not getting the answers I needed after three years, I was mentally exhausted, and that I wouldn’t even know if I was being told the truth should my husband finally decide to talk about his affair. It’s been five years since he chose to betray me and our children, and I mostly feel pity for him now. Our relationship, if it can be considered that, is quite polite and quite shallow. I don’t know him, I certainly don’t trust him, and I don’t see any reason to try and fix things once our youngest goes off to college. It’s really sad to think that 25 years of sharing a pretty blessed life with the guy who used to be my best friend has been destroyed over a few months of selfish sex that “meant nothing.”

    • I totally get your pain..the affair plays over and over like a broken record..it has been two years for me..my husband has been remorseful everyday…
      Im sorry that rings hollow to me.They took months away from us..filled with lies..deception.I have some details..but I hate my life was taken..my thoughts always are filled with why..how..and wishing I knew every detail..
      I hear your disgust.I to feel sorry and pity any man who stoops so low…

    • Kelly, your thoughts feeling and story seen the same as mine. No answers , no remorse, no emotions. The marriage is just a superficial “show”. When the kids go nothing will be left. Seems like such a sad way to sacrifice ourselves. I have tried everything, asked to go to therapy. Asked to talk. Have asked him to move out to think about what it is he wants. Refused to do that. So here we stay for the sake of the children and live this marriage with no trust and least of all any Respect.
      Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom – let your email find you!

    • Isn’t it just so true though, even after spending years trying to “understand” how empty you become, how jaded you feel, even when you are trying to heal yourself, because they can’t do it, no matter what the “experts: say….. but 5 years kudos to you and every blessing…. there is no one who can adequately share my experience but reading so helps me…… but I must share with you, I suffered a stroke in Sept. a minor one yes so I am on medication and very grateful to God because where I had it I could have been blinded but I have none of the indicators for a stroke, not hypertensive, not diabetic, not overweight, don’t drink, don’t smoke but I do have a raging temper and thanks to my husband a hugh stress level so he’s a F.U. and I get a stroke…. what can I tell you except to say pls. take excellent care of yourselves, exercise, love yourself, laugh a lot, eat healthy but have an ice cream every now and then….. he’s doing his best to have God help him as he surrenders but now I don’t want him…… he had it all threw it away not he wants the scraps, how stupid is that lol

  33. What do you all make of this?? I need some advice from outside source for my head space where it at. Husbands co-worker,him wanting me to be friend her, telling me we would click,get along as we would have so much in common. Prior to this, I had come across some hair in passenger seat of our car,which was not mine or my daughters or anyone I knew. Thought,suss out the females at work do that I was also invited to as a spouse, and low and behold the co-worker who husband been going on about,has same coloured hair and length as to what I had found in our car??!!? Long story short,am now working as Receptionest at that job,thanks to her,nominating my name in the vacancy?! I need to leave this site now but will try and resume my story tomorrow,as I need some feed back.I am into a 30 year marriage,and not the first time hubby had infidality issues,so am not immune,nor a fool to my instincts with my feelings. Be back on line tomorrow,hopeful

    • Hi Caro,
      I don’t know your whole story but I would confront your husband about the hair and his eagerness to have you become friends with this woman. I might even confront the woman too but for me it’s more important to talk with my husband than anyone else. I hope you can find the truth and determine what will be best for you. It’s hard to say. 30 years is a long time but if you feel like his infidelity is harming you then you need to be strong. See if he’ll go to therapy with you… Best to you.

    • I felt that way too–like it was the longest day of my life. I must have been hoping to wake up from the nightmare. The emotional roller coaster can feel more like a trainwreck some days. Try to make time for yourself. Go out and do things that keep your mind focused on something else.

  34. Hi. Don’t know if you post on this anymore. But I just wanted to share. My husband, after a wonderful 18 year marriage, just walked out on 12/12/13. He is German, and he had his bags packed and just got on the plane and left. No explanation no nothing. I found out when he went to see him family earlier that year he went to see a woman he had been talking with on the net in Berlin. He didn’t spend any time with family, all with her. He lied to me about everything. When he walked out in December I started digging on the internet and found a lot of things that broke my heart. He had been sending her money, gifts, her kid money. Well stupid me wanted him back. He came back after he had left me for Christmas, our anniversary, New Years… I told him if you ever have anything to do with her again I will make you leave. Well I caught him. He just stared at me when I confronted him. Now he is blaming me for everything and said it is all my fault.

    I am so sick.. I am so tired, and I am so devastated. I devoted myself to this man.

    • Hi,
      so he came back and then cheated again? My advice is to figure out what you need and want. You need to take care of yourself. Just like you, I spent so much of my life devoted to my husband and children. I didn’t worry about myself because I was so concerned about everyone else’s happiness. If they were happy then I was happy. But that’s not real. My husband was masking his real feelings. He was in survival mode and his AP figured that out and manipulated his emotions. He made choices and continued to make them but he wasn’t taking care of himself either is my point. We were all just going through the motions because we were “happy” and had the “perfect” life.
      Take care of yourself first. You will find the answers will reveal themselves once you take a stand.

  35. Ive stumbled across this site and thought I would share my story at least to get it out of my chest as I have no one to speak to as I feel so ashamed that I’ve been telling everyone for years that one thing I thought I knew and could swear off is that he was faithful. Unlike other men he was faithful, 100percent faithful and in love with me. Im not naive, yet I trusted him, and people envied our relationship.

    I thought I was strong, confident, and my boyfriend of five years and best friend adored me and would never cheat on me as he’s been cheated on before and has suffered a great deal from it. He was also priding himself in not having interest in other women and being a man of his word being different from other men. That made us strong. That made us special. He is the only person i completely opened up to.

    I’m such a positive, independent and happy person, get over things and forgive quickly, have a busy and fulfilled life, and would never EVER thought I could feel so much pain, or let a man hurt me.
    I always thought if a man cheats on me I would leave him straight away and rolled my eyes at women staying in abusive or unfaithful relationships. I never realised the shattering pain that could come with betrayal. And that I wouldn’t know how to cope with it, me so strong, who always deals with my own issues with no problem, have no idea how to cope with it.

    His sister met a new friend a couple of years ago, and them being both mums they became close, him being close to his sister, they all became friends, and I went out with them many times, to her birthday, to parties, to her own flat, and she always was acting nice to me but deep inside I knew she loved him. I knew and I told him, and got told that I was jealous for no reason, that she wasn’t attractive, that he loves me, that even if she fancied him so what?? He didn’t. She was just his friend, and him not having many friends, I felt unfair to stop him from seeing her and spending time with her just because I knew she liked him. Like I said, I was confident enough to let him have female friends. even if I was insanely annoyed when I caught her trying to flirt with him in front of me, trying to be close to him, become his close friend, and he didn’t see it and kept telling me I was jealous and he should be allowed to have female friends, that she doesn’t like him and I’m making it up.

    The only thing letting me telling him to keep on seeing her is that I’m busy working, he’s depressed and unemployed, I feel lucky for having close friends, he doesn’t, and it felt unfair and selfish to stop him from having one friend as I was his girlfriend and shouldn’t feel threatened after all.

    We started to argue more regularly after our fourth anniversary and had rough patches, and I’ve moved out of his flat. We kept minimal contact for a while but it would’t have crossed my mind to think that we weren’t together any more. We didn’t discuss our relationship but both needed some space and some time to think, which didn’t mean we weren’t together for me, and the thought of me going to someone else wouldn’t have crossed my mind. Then we slowly patched things up, and kept seeing each other not regularly but slowly got closer again and started working things out like we were before.

    However, last week, I’ve received a text from that friend, telling me she has slept with him and seen him for a year and that until last Saturday ! that he’s been lying to both of us as she thought we weren’t together anymore.
    I managed to hold it in until I met up with him and confronted him. He got angry and told me she lied and was annoyed that he told her they couldn’t see each other anymore as friends as she was trying to be too close to him. He got really angry against her and told his sister, who had suspicions but didn’t know, and his sister got angry too.

    I took that for a sign that he was telling the truth and was angry at her for trying to hurt our relationship. We all knew she liked him so we just laughed it off eventually and carried on. However, the other day, she came to my house, pretending she wanted to apologise for the text.
    Instead she didn’t and started going crazy telling me it was the truth and screaming crude details about their affair and pretending to have all sorts of proof, being overly rude. I laughed at her calling her crazy and told her to go, however angry I was I didn’t want to see her happy and managing to break us up. I also still believed him. Believe it or not.

    SHe left, but his sister who was there, told me she was telling the truth and that I should confront him again as he needs to tell me the truth. That is when I started to believe it. My world was completely destroyed. I ran to his house and confronted him and he lied, and lied and lied. But I couldn’t take this anymore and stayed and confronted him painfully until he told me the truth, little by little, adding details to every thing he previously denied.

    I can’t describe how I felt and I know you all have felt the same feeling. Completely destroyed, lost, confused, betrayed and I just simply couldn’t believe it. I felt like I was living a nightmare. I simply couldn’t believe I could feel the way that I felt, I couldn’t believe that the only person I have ever trusted would actually have betrayed me. I couldn’t believe he would have betrayed me with the one person I warned him about for months, that it wasn’t just a one night stand but happened repeatedly.

    I couldn’t believe I didn’t see it, that I knew it from her side but couldn’t believe he actually went for it, I’ve started to have flashbacks of all the signs that I actually saw but mistook for jealousy, of all the times I almost sent him to her as he had no friends, of all the times I tried to control my jealousy because I thought I was being irrational, of all the times she saw me and never said nothing, pretending to be nice to me , inviting me over to her flat, etc.

    I have never felt so horrible, and since then have been going through highs and lows, anger and sadness, but the feeling that I have the most trouble getting over is the one of betrayal. I cannot deal with the betrayal, I am thinking about it from morning to night, can’t sleep, barely eats, I am not angry at him I feel betrayed by my best friend and lover. The only thing that made our relationship special was our bond and honesty. Now I’m only looking back trying to see if there is any point of trying to save our relationship and if anything that he has ever told me was even true. I keep on getting flashbacks of things that now make sense, I keep on trying to put pieces together. I need details, I feel an obsessive need to know ALL of the details and I feel destroyed.

    He feels completely guilty and shattered too. Me who always thought I would leave a man straight away if that happened, I need him, I can’t think of leaving him, I want to try to work things out, I feel like I realised how important he was to me now, I don’t know if its true or if it is because I can’t cope on my own, I don’t know anything anymore, I thought I was strong and I’m not, I feel weak, lost, betrayed, abandoned, confused, I can’t focus, I am in complete shock and feel even more stupid for believing him against everyone else, even with everything said to me in my face, I would have not even believed it one minute if he would have never said it himself. and for once, I cant understand this feeling, and don’t know what to do, I’m lost and have lost a part of me.

    I told him that I want to try to see if we can move on, and he feels it guilty,sorry,stupid and horrible and wants to get over it . The only reason that is making me stay, maybe is that I can’t cope on my own and need answers, but also that he is the one that stopped the affair before she told me. She went angry and mad when he told her he couldn’t see her anymore as he didn’t want to hurt me. He has never promised anything to her and in his defence, at the time, he didn’t know if we were still together or not as I had moved out of his flat and was barely speaking to him and he then felt too guilty to tell me once we started talking again. However he slept with her really recently too, and that is what hurts me the most, I can accept mistakes in the past as I cant remember what went around it, but we patched things up recently and he still went to see her. He said he doesn’t know why, that he was stupidly seduced and felt lonely, he can’t explain it, feels stupid for it, but it is hurting me so much that he is not able to tell me why he slept with her, that he was just able to go and sleep with another woman, who he knows I hate, and talk to me the next day telling me he loves me. This feeling of not understanding him and his betrayal is killing me. I can’t forgive him because I feel like it was a cold blooded betrayal. He went to her flat and slept with her, he wasn’t drunk, it just happened like it happened before. He said he never meant to do it that things just happened and he can’t explain why. And he did stopped it and she got madly jealous and that is why she told me about it.

    He feels angry that he didn’t have the chance to tell me himself, and I do feel angry about learning it from a person I hate and who I knew wanted him from day one, that I slowly watched getting closer to him but couldn’t do anything.
    I hate myself for taking him for granted, for not talking to him for weeks but believing we were still together and just having our space, for not letting him know where we stand and making him feel lonely and confused and allowed it to happen, allowed it to destroy our future and our trust. I take responsibilities in this but I still can’t forgive him. It hurts me so much. I feel so betrayed.

    I now need to know all of the details in order to be able to understand. What hurts the most is not understanding why, not comprehending, thinking I knew him and knew his needs, his character and that I actually didn’t. He is reluctant to give me details as he wants to move on and doesn’t understand why I want details as he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore but I simply can’t move on if I don’t have a clear picture of the time frame, the details and everything involved in this as I already feel like I’ve been left aside and lied to so much, I now feel that he owes me to go through the whole truth from beginning to end. And we argue because it’s painful, because I have to ask him the same questions multiple times as I simply dont know if I can believe his answers, if he’s trying to minimise what happened or protect himself or me, and he doesn’t understand that to be completely honest and telling me what I want to know is the only thing that can make us move on, how can I move on just like that? He knows and has knew for a long time but I have just learnt this, I can’t possibly process it this quickly, I’m angry at him for even implying that I could possibly move on so quickly and he is hurt too and I just feel like we will either move on or finish if he can’t handle the responsibility of what he has done and can’t help me to move on however hard it is for him. I feel that he can’t be sad, that he’s not allowed, that he owes me to let me be angry and sad, and let me take as much time as I need to choose if I even want to forgive him. He doesn’t know if he’s strong enough to go through the story over and over again as it is causing him pain to see me hurt, but it makes me angry as I feel like he can’t say that, that it’s too easy, that he should see me in pain as that is his fault! I can’t take his pain as I feel angry that I should share his pain when he completely destroyed my world. And he thinks I don’t understand that it’s also hard for him! I understand but I couldn’t possibly want him to get over this pain as I feel he should feel this pain and allow me to go through this as much as I need to as he is the one person who hurt .me. It is really hard and I don’t know how to handle it, I want a break from the drama and arguing but I know that not talking about it only will leave me with more resentment and imagining the worst scenarios. Talking about it makes us argue. It is such a hard situation and I don’t know how much time I will need, and how much time he will be able to go through me resenting him and not forgiving him as for him he made a huge mistake and only want to move on from now on and he is the opposite, for him talking about it only makes us think about it and won’t allow us to move on, but I need this, I need to know everything as I feel so left out and I have been lied on so much, I feel like he owes me all the details.

    On the other side, this girl is living around, still friends with his sister as the sister thinks they are both to blame and is not concerned.
    That means she won’t get out of our lives, and is not sorry, she is trying to appear like a victim, and because everyone in his family is telling me to try to move on and stop talking about her as that is what she wants so I should ignore her. I can’t talk to no one as I dont want to appear to be playing her game and letting her destroy my life, even if she has! She is manipulative and probably plays the regretful game with his sister because she is still obsessed with him. However she is not sorry ! She hasn’t apologized to me and won’t because she feels entitled to him for some reason. She came to me and was rude to me and I actually have violent feelings coming inside of me. I know it is stupid but I want to hurt her, to make her come out of her life. I dont understand why she is still showing her face to his mum’s house, who has my back and won’t let her in when she comes to visit with his sister.
    I feel like she is trying to win him back and feel like she is competition to me when she is nothing and just took advantage of a moment of weakness when I wasn’t talking to him. She is exaggerating what happened and telling everyone details and lies about their affair. She doesn’t want to live us alone as she is still friends with his sister and I’m starting to resent his sister for not letting her friend go as I feel like we won’t be able to move on as long as she is around, part of her sister’s circle ! I resent her for that as she is the one in the wrong and not me and I don’t want to suffer seeing her around when she should be embarrassed and apologetic, and staying away but she is doing none of this and it is making me really angry, as much as I know it is not a solution I want to confront her and hurt her but I know this is what she is looking for as she wants to hurt him because he stopped their affair for me and I don’t want to see her happy because she has destroyed our relationship and carry on living like nothing has happened !

    She is pretending that she is not more to blame than my boyfriend and doesn’t understand why people are siding with him and me when he has cheated just as much, and his sister agrees with that !
    However, him cheating is no one’s place but him to tell me, especially if she is not sorry and telling it to hurt us ! She has been rude and came to me twice to tell me details and tell me about them after he stopped it and that is why I’m angry at her and that is the difference! No matter what, she has slept with him at her own risks,even if she thought he was single she knew me and knew it was just a rough patch in our relationship and can’t be forgiven, so she can only be mad at herself for being hurt , I am not going to play her game and team up with her against him as she is trying to hurt us !
    She is disappointed that he stopped it therefore came to me not even leaving him a chance to tell me and being arrogant about it ! I find it hard to control myself!

    I can’t understand that his sister doesn’t see that no matter what happened with him and her, I was not involved in that and for her to come and be rude to me is, as far as everyone else is concerned, enough reason for me not to want to forgive her or want her around me or his family, even if she hadn’t slept with him I dont see why I should just stand there and let myself be abused by a manipulative and lying person such as her! He hates her too for not leaving him a chance to tell me and regrets everything and obviously I cant trust him 100percent anymore but I truly believe we are going through enough grief to stop him for ever cheating again, epecially not with her now that he sees her true colours, and she knows we are trying to work things out, but she is still playing her game and showing her face around!
    I obviously cant ask her to move in another area or anything like that,but she should have enough common sense to stay away from him, his sister and his family and let us be! That is the least she could do and we both can’t understand why she is sticking around not letting us heal now that he has made it clear that he didn’t want her! It is evil and just for this reason I am angry and stopping myself to be violent as I know this is what she is looking for and it is killing me to not be able to express my feelings to her as I have to pretend and keep it inside for her to leave us alone, i know it is the wise thing to do but it feels unfair to have to suffer anymore because of her when she should be suffering and not me, and instead she is carrying on with her life trying to make things up with his sister not realising this wont work even if his sister stays friend with her I dont know if I will be able to deal with simply knowing that someone in his family has any kind of sympathy for her as she doesn’t deserve any for having the cheek to come to me and be rude to me about something she created and I am not involved in and did not know about !

    So this is where I stand,four days after learning, slowly getting better, relapsing, highs and lows, not able to move on as she is still around wanting to hurt him and me, not knowing what to do.
    He is hurt and feels an extreme state of guilt, I feel betrayed and destroyed, and I dont know anything anymore.

    I can’t speak to anyone as I feel ashamed, not that he cheated but of the trust i placed in him and how highly I was speaking about him to everyone. I feel hurt, angry, sad, sick to my stomach, disgusted and the worst is that I don’t know if my relationship can actually be saved or if it is just damaged forever. I don’t know if I will be bale to forgive him or if I will just slowly destroy our relationship because I resent him and will keep bringing it up. I don’t know how to move on , I dont understand how anyone can move on and have a happy and healthy relationship after that.
    I dont understand how I have been so stupid and I am mad that I saw it happening but actually trusted him too much to even think he could do it, it was complete, blind trust, complete with no hesitation and I even stood up to her telling her to stop lying about us, that she was delusional and I actually believed this up until the very last minute! I am in a state of complete feeling of betrayal, I have never experienced this feeling before and it is the worst thing that I have ever felt.

    I am not writing this to get help or answers but needed an outlet to stop me from going crazy and it is helping me to write all this. I feel sorry for all the women who have been or are going through what I am going through and I just don’t know what to say. I can only imagine how much worst it must be if children and marriage are involved and yet I don’t know how it can be worst that what I am feeling right now. I hope I will heal, I hope we will heal. I still love him and I hate myself for loving him. I don’t know what the near future will bring but I dont think I can help it anymore. I feel like I have lost all control over things and the most frustrating is that I can’t control what has happened and I can’t stop it from having happened. It is there. It has happened, it always will. It is a nightmare.

    Goodluck to all.

  36. The aftermath of a separated created from cheating is very devastating. I am sitting here trying to figure out how to handle all of this mess he left me with. He went to another country so I am totally alone in dealing with any of it. I know it is awful to say but the worst part for me is that he is an ocean apart and I can’t confront this woman who was my friend as well. They are spewing such venomous statements about me and it is just making my head swim. I know at some point I have to forgive him because it is what God expects, but right now I hope Karma just rips him to pieces for what he has done to me, and her as well. She is just as guilty as he is.

    • There is a Karmic circle which will complete itself. You don’t have to do anything!! Just heal yourself!!
      Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom – let your email find you!

  37. I think I will begin to heal from this horrible situation when I can open my eyes in the morning without him being the first thing on my mind. That makes me angry at myself, and even more so at him. I am so sorry for all of the situations I am reading about here. I guess we really don’t know those we love as much as we once thought we did. So many excuses for their behavior, yet I find no excuse okay for this kind of slap in the face. It just becomes a game for them.

    • Elizabeth, we strong and can recover!!! After 14 years of marrige and 14 months since D Day, i have been on an incredible joiurney to heal myself by myself. He has refused to ever talk about ” it ” and i realized that his own failings and own demonds are his to sort out. It is almost like i have detached myself from needing anything from him to make me feel better bacause he is incapable of facing his emotional insecureties. We each have our own stories but what we all have incommon is the hurt and the betrayal. To wake up in the morning and not to think about ” it “, i am still wating for that day but i know from all of this that I am strong and am in charge of my own happiness and have left behind the expectation of him creating my happiness !!! That alone opened up a whole new world. This is not the man I married, not that people don’t, but his values and the person that i thought was a Soul i would always have respect for is no longer here. His demonds are just that, hius demonds for him to work through. I am working through mine and am in a better place for it and if there comes a day where it ” hits ” him, then that will be his journey. We do make excuses for them and even blame ourselves at some point but nothing we have done has made them do this to us, it is all within themselves that we end up suffering the aftermath!! The journey isa slow one as we read all our stories on this blog but we can only hope that each and everyone of us ends up stronger and better women (and men) for where this journet takes us. We all know we can come hear to ” talk ” and let off steam and share with people who understand. Love and Grace in ALL of us.

  38. it seems you are writing my thoughts and experience. What you have experience is really just the same with my current situation. What worst now is that my husband impregnated this other woman. Though my husband doesn’t want to acknowledge the child. January 21 2014 is the day my husband confess the affair. The affair started April 2013.

    • Hi Joann,
      How are you doing? Has the child been born yet? There is another blogger that is in your exact situtation. Her husband decided not to have a relationship with the child because of the affair partner. His affair partner was not stable.
      Hopefully, your husband is involving you with his decisions about how to deal with the AP and the baby. Things become very complicated when a child is involved. Keep talking to your husband. Take care of yourself.

  39. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years. A year ago he asked for a “break” he assured me that he was going through some stuff and didn’t want it to affect me. Something deep inside me knew that was a lie. Sure enough, he was with someone else. A year ago today this was happening. I know my situation cannot compare to others in here because we are not married. But I cannot stop crying from the pain it caused! We are together and he shows me everyday that it was a mistake and would never happen again. I am trying to stay positive because it has been a year and I did decide to give him a second chance. The thing is that as we are in the months of the affair, I feel like I’m falling into depression. The thought of him touching her, going out with her, smiling at her, everything with her is driving me crazy again. Just like in the post… I hate the what if conversations in my head. The anxiety, the frustration, the pain… I hate that she is still a part of my life. My boyfriend tells me that I should remember that he is with me and loves me and is going to spend his life with me… I hate thinking that it took another girls lips, body, companionship for him to realize that I was the one. I hate thinking that this time last year, as I cried myself to sleep he was laughing, sleeping, going out, basically doing everything he was supposed to do with me. Is it normal that after a year of the affair I could fall back into depression? What can I do? I throw up every day from the new gate feelings. From those thoughts… is my relationship doomed?

    • Betrayal is betrayal no matter what you label the relationship. Your pain is real and I understand where you are coming from. It concerns me that you realize you are spiraling into depression or feeling yourself sinking into it. Have you guys seen a therapist, either together and/or alone? Is your boyfriend aware of your pain? What you are feeling and going through is similar to PTSD. Betrayal by a loved one is a traumatic event and will cause you to trigger and feel that cycle of emotions you described.
      I don’t think your relationship is doomed but you need to take care of yourself. You are going through a lot and you need to lessen your burden. You can’t handle everything alone and that is okay.
      Sometimes the pain returns a year later because you recognize and internalize what you survived the year prior. In the moments right after D-Day we are just trying to survive and get through each day. We didn’t have all the puzzle pieces or understand everything we were taking in. Now you have most of those pieces of information and you are being triggered back to the beginning.

  40. My husband said just those words…she meant nothing .I do not buy any of that…she meant enough to lie..betray me.
    Wonder why they all have the same excuse…

  41. They are just weak and because they think it is the easy way out and they seem to think that will make us feel better!! emotionally they are unable to process the fact that it is the worst thing to say, as it belittles us and the marriage. I for one know that my husband thought that if he told his family that, that it would make the affair ” excusable “. and you know what in his case it worked. His family have totally stuck by him and told me to ” relax”!!! He has not opened up to me to at all and has brushed aside any reading material i have given him to read. emotionally he has totally shut down! The worst thing of all, for me is that he still works with her!! I want out but have nowhere to go and two children!! I hate him for the fact that he has made it seem like no big thing and yet my life is turned upside down and i am an emotional wreck!!

  42. Well it’s been just about 13 weeks since my D Day,we have spent so much time together weekend away, a holiday for 2 weeks and I still bought up his affair. But 1 morning this week when I got up I decided to write him a letter outline my thoughts and pain, phoned him in work and took it to him. He read it in front of me and a few time through the day he still has it in his works bag. But what a relief this weight has lifted off my shoulders I wish I had done it weeks ago, I now feel 100 times better. We go on hoildays in March on a Caribbean Cruise and have decided to renew our wedding vows. I’m now looking forward and not back, it can still be hard but I think I have turned the corner and we now have a marriage again.

  43. I spent two years wotking on saving our marriage.He begged..went to counseling over a year and a half.Has done it all to change..

    Bottom line..he cannot change what he did…

  44. It happened. Yes it really did. No matter what he says to ‘Make’ you accept it didn’t mean anything. It did to him at the time. Why do they think that loving the person they love most in the world makes what they did OK. It’s crap. Maybe it meant nothing to them but it kills the person who loves them. Hugs to you Andrea. x

  45. The thoughts about the affair can be like a vacuum. I still have to remind myself not to dwell… Not to let a momentary thought become a downward spiral of emotion and pain. It’s hard…. I really believe this may be hardest thing I will ever go through.

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