My story: How I discovered my husband’s affair


I discovered the truth on Septemer 22, 2012. I guess the truth had been haunting me despite a happy marriage and three amazing children… there was something wrong. Funny thing is, I thought I was unhappy with my job or something. No idea that the root of my unhappiness, discontent and insecurity was stemming from my seemingly perfect marriage.

But there I was at 2 a.m. going through his emails trying to find something. And then I saw the email to her that read:

I miss you……

Why would he tell another woman he missed her? And why did he email her a photo of my children? And why was her comment that it wasn’t like the other photos they had been sharing? And why was there no other photos in his email to or from her? My heart was pounding and my body was shaking. And then I found it. A sexual photo downloaded from Tumblr and emailed to another account. An account I didn’t recognize. It took less than two minutes to hack into the account and as my computer screen refreshed I prayed that all I would find was a collection of erotic photos. But it wasn’t. I found 73 pages of emails from her to my husband detailing a year long affair. I wanted to scream but it was the middle of the night. My husband was away for the weekend  with one of our kids. I couldn’t even scream at him.

I sobbed in my bed alone wondering how and why we got to this point.

I knew I shouldn’t torture myself with the emails but I began to read through them. Her messages to him were mostly sexual, describing their encounters detail by detail. I skipped through the emails picking dates that had meaning to me–did he write her on my birthday? our anniversary? valentine’s day? Was he responding to her or initiating the emails? How did this begin without me noticing? Was I blind? Was I that far removed from my husband’s life?


The questions flooded my brain. The pain of what he had done was overwhelming. I physically got sick. I couldn’t sleep. I kept going back to the emails.

Did he want our marriage to end? Did he ever love me? I’d never felt pain like this. Ever. It was straight to my core.

I loved this man. I gave him everything. I loved him dearly and we discussed our love as though it were unique, something everyone wants but not everyone receives. So how could a man that looked me in the eyes and say he would never risk losing me enter into a year long affair?

I knew who she was too. She was removed from me but I met her once and didn’t care for her. The first time he ever told me about her I didn’t like the way he seemed to idolize her–saying that she was amazing at her job when I couldn’t hear anything remarkable in his comments. I told him too. It’s only now that I know that when I told him I didn’t like the way he seemed to talk about her that he decided not to talk about her to me from then on. Funny thing, she was barely his friend at that point. But once he decided to continue that relationship purposefully behind my back, it became an affair. He still denies that was the turning point in the relationship. Trying to believe he was just being a friend to her as she ended her marriage. He says he wasn’t attracted to her. Claims he didn’t find her sexually appealing. Yet when she started making passes at him through email, that was when he suggested opening private email accounts. About a month after the private email accounts were opened he had sex with her.

I struggle with how many details I want to know. Once you know something, you can’t un-know it. He says she invited him over to her house to help with some “work” stuff. She didn’t work at his office but she kept inserting herself into his business. He says she kissed him that day. He kissed her back. Then two weeks later he drove back to her house in the middle of his work day and they had sex. This continued almost on a weekly basis until the day I found the emails.

So here I am 35 days later. We are still married, living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed and we are still in love. When I confronted him, he acknowledged everything. At first, he tried to defend himself by saying our sex life had dwindled. Then he tried to say that I am the love of his life but he doesn’t think he is the love of my life. Then he tried to say that I never initiate sex or go down on him. All of this was displacing the blame and he has since realized that this was HIS choice and it wasn’t about me.

It took him a full day to break down. I think he realized that he risked our marriage, his relationship with his children, his job and everything that is meaningful in his life for a woman that he doesn’t even care to see again. When I told him that if she wasn’t 100% out of his life then I was going to be–he didn’t bat an eye. He said he was relieved. He said he tried to end it twice. I don’t know if that is supposed to make me feel better or not? He says he slept with her for her needs, not because he wanted to. He was trying to be a friend to her as she went through a bad time in her life. Wow. Not to lighten the mood–but have I been a bad friend because I haven’t been sleeping with all my friends going through tough times?

He begged me to forgive him and said he would do anything. I believe him. I’m not saying that I trust him again. But I believed him when he said he loved me.

We’ve spent every night for the past 35 days talking. Talking through the pain, tears, anger and fears. He takes responsibility for his decisions and actions but he struggles with how he even let himself sink that low. He was self-destructing and he failed to recognize that the real devastation was to me, his wife. He may live with the guilt, but I live with the pain, the endless images in my mind, the triggers that catch you off-guard and the sadness that fills my heart. I can’t sit on the toilet without thinking: my husband cheated on me.

I guess I am writing this blog because I want to know why he did it. Honestly, we had (have) not just a good marriage–a great marriage. We are that couple that our family and friends try to emulate. We have amazing children–because we invest time and love into them together. We talked. We made love. We got along with each other’s families. We went on vacations. We supported each other through really tough times. Yes, we had our moments but we were thankful for each other. When we heard of people divorcing we acknowledged how lucky we were to be married to our soul mate. So why did he doubt my love? Because he wasn’t getting bj’s or laid enough? Because I went back to work? What makes a person risk a life they built with their true love for someone that is meaningless? How did he allow it to continue for a year? How did he live with the guilt? How did he look me or his kids in the eye? How did he tell our kids to surround themselves with honest and good-intentioned people if he was not doing the same? Why was his need to make her feel better more important than our marriage vows?

I am hoping these questions will be answered here.

In the end, I love him. That’s all I know right now.


507 thoughts on “My story: How I discovered my husband’s affair

  1. Thank you for sharing your story. I am in the first month of discovery and the crazy roller coaster of emotions. I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate the thoughtfullness of your words. I especially enjoy your Infidelity Trax and would add Landslide by Fleetwood Mac.
    Thank you again for being strong, for sharing and for giving me hope.

  2. I just found out that my husband was having an affair 2 weeks ago. He sat me down and told me. It was a month long that started with a co-worker that lives thousands of miles away. The thought that a friendly conversation on a phone could turn in to what it did tears me up.

    Your story resonates so loudly with me… we were the couple everyone looked up to, the couple that others sought advice on how to make their marriage strong. It took my husband 5 days, after telling me that he had phone sex with her, to realize that he just had a month long affair. He kept referring to it as “just fantasy”. He did not see the lies, secrecy and sexual nature as an affair.

    I wanted to see proof, to read texts, to see photos. There is nothing to see. His employer has an app that you talk, text, and send things through. There is very little on his phone, he erased the little that was there. Would seeing it make it better? I have a timeline that I have constructed, but it feels incomplete. I wanted to be able to see what I had been doing when this was all going on. Was I Christmas shopping? Would this help me process things better? knowing what was said? I know if I asked he would tell me but I am at the point where I am sick of being sad and sick of crying.

    I spent the first 10 days not able to sleep. I was waking with questions after 2 hours of sleep and then I would just spin the rest of the day. We are working on things but the pain it causes me is excruciating. The thoughts and questions that wake me up during the night are subsiding but they are relentless. I think I am most devastated by the fact this occurred over the holiday season.

    Our first counseling appointment is still 2 weeks away and I wonder how am I going to make it?!?

    • I spent many hours focused on how little conversations and meaningless emails grew into an affair. It takes two willing people to begin an affair and I spent too much time angry and upset thinking about how it all began. I can relate to everything you wrote… sleeping, thoughts, trust…everything. Take care of yourself. I hope your therapy session went/goes well. For me, that was a moment when I realize that we could conquer this and get through it. I needed a neutral third-party to hear my story, weigh-in, and tell me that there was hope (or not) before I made any decisions.

      • I just stumbled on your blog and your letter to ‘self’. It resonated so much with me. I carried on reading and found myself here, reading your reply to this comment and I realized it was at this exact moment shown on the day and time stamp, that I was just a few hours into the worst pain of my life. It was literally at this exact moment that my heart was broken into a million pieces after finding out about my husband’s affair. But even only hours in, God had filled my heart with an unexplainable renewed, overwhelming and deep deep love for my husband. To say it has been intense is an understatement but I am amazed at how God can truly transform lives and marriages. I think my husband and I are in a better place than we ever have been. We are both so in love. Of course you know the ups and downs but through it all we keep pressing on and doing the hard work – and it is so worth it. There is hope, there is healing, trust can be found again, forgiveness is possible. Just keep breathing and pressing in, there is joy ahead!

  3. A year ago I started to feel suspicious of my husbands friendship with out wild and crazy neighbor. My husband had lost his job and was spending his days at home usually on the computer. To ease my mind; because I never truly thought I would discover anything, I purchased a digital recorder and placed it under the computer desk before I went to work. (I felt guilty for doing this). After a few days of listening to his day he finally came home one morning after dropping off our daughters at school. At first I thought he was talking to me on the phone when I heard him say “I love you too baby” but then to my horror I realized it was not me he was talking too. I listened to the rest of the day he talks to her several times, tells her about his day, talks about me and our children like it is all normal and she is just a happy addition to our family. Each time the conversations end he says love you too. I confronted him that Friday on Valentine’s day 2014. It started out such a good day! The day before he snuck a rose and candy into my car and then on Valentine’s sent me a large bouquet and brought me lunch to work. When I returned home from work I listened to the recordings then took him in the bedroom and calmly asked “is there anything you need to tell me about you and “whores” relationship. He said no firmly and with a straight face. I then put the recorder in front of him and said “I heard you tell her you love her today” . He hung his head and said alright it’s true I have been sleeping with her. I sat on the bed and said “so your in love with her now”? He immediately denied it. Said it was just sex.

  4. I’m just reading this as I’m new to your blog. I’m grateful it’s here. Makes it easier to know I’m not the only one who wanted to believe. Thanks and I hope you will see in my page how this mess started

  5. Its been a year since I discovered my husband’s affair. Doom’s day was on 1 April. At first when my neighbour’s sister confirmed that when my husband didn’t spend the night at home he was with another woman I thought it was a bad April fool’s joke.

    I’d asked her to investigate for me because my husband had slept out one day and claimed to have spent the night at his cousins place but it turned out he’d spent the night at a house across the road from my neighbour’s sister. His friend shared the place with other people and it turned out he’d hooked my husband up with a divorced lady with two kids who stayed there.

    My heart shattered when It was confirmed that my husband was having an affair. I confronted the other woman that very day and she confessed to everything. The affair had gone on for three weeks then .Funny thing is she had seen me with my husband and child one day at the shopping mall so she knew he was married before the affair even went far.

    The affair went on for three months after D-day. Anyway ,I’m still trying to heal but the memories never fade. I get nervous everytime my husband gets a phone call or when I see him chatting on whatsapp. Its hard to ever fully trust again. Everytime I see a woman who looks almost like the other woman or dresses the way she does the memories come back.

    We never went for counseling and my husband thinks I should just forget it ever happened so we can move on with our lives. It aint easy.I get nightmares almost every night about that affair. Nothing will ever be the same

    • The problem is you can’t just forget this. It’s a traumatic experience and most women will agree with me that many of us suffer from PTSD. The triggers will hit you without warning, the fear, the emotional rollercoaster. I am 2 1/2 years from my D-day and I cannot forget. I don’t know if I think about my husband’s affair every day but it’s still there in my thoughts all the time. The pain associated with those triggers is no longer there for me but it took almost two years to get to that point. It’s very hard to trust again. The only thing that makes it easier is having support and going through the pain, the crap, the tears, screaming, and everything together as a couple. I truly feel like we had to hit the lowest lows to be where we are today.

      • To be honest, he thinks I’m over it or expects me to just get over it and move on just like that. I try to put up a happy face but at times I feel a deep empty hole inside. I ask myself time and again how this happened to me. Sometimes I even ask myself if staying was a good decision. He does try at times to make me feel secure and loved but nothing can ever take the pain or the memories away.My faith is the only real thing that helps keep everything together.

  6. Because he was bored.
    Bored of routine, bored.
    He loves his family more, he loves you, more.
    But he had an affair because of lack of sex and excitment in his relationship with you.
    Do you have hobbies? Do you work?

    No guilt because sex is not more important then his marriage with you.

    • I like your point that sex wasn’t as important as marriage, really do BUT
      Uh oh, don’t dare suggest it was the spouse being boring!
      That’s no excuse to betray someone.
      But it also isn’t the reason.
      He may have been bored or over stressed, resentful of her vivacious, rewarding life (not boring) or not have any moral fibre.
      It was his problem to solve honestly with her., not an interloper.

  7. I just want to say thank you so much for sharing your story and posting about your affair recovery. Like many others here, I found your blog thanks to Google after my own D-Day. I just found out a little over a month ago about my husband’s affair, but I had suspected something has been “off” for about a year and a half. I was so deeply entrenched in my own denial, that I ignored all the obvious signs telling myself that I was crazy, and that my anxiety was getting the best of me. Your blog gives me just enough hope to get me through the day sometimes.

    My husband and I have been together for 11 years, and married for 5. I too, thought we were invincible. We used to think we were so much better than other couples, and there was NO doubt in my mind that we would grow old together. There wasn’t even a question about it… but I noticed my husband growing distant over the past year and a half. He was on his phone constantly; literally every second of our time together during this time he spent looking at websites (and now I know better–text messages) on his phone. I even not-so-jokingly told him he must have an addiction to his phone last summer. Boy, if I only knew…

    And then in April he lost his job… and he came clean. This wasn’t just some tryst, but he was carrying on a full-fledged relationship with a girl much younger than he and I. During this time we had our 3rd child–our only son. I also came to find out that even on the day that our son was born, he spent the entire time I was in the recovery room from my C-Section on the phone with her. In fact, he talked to her 3 times that day– EVERY.SINGLE. TIME. he left the hospital, he was talking to HER. This will forever taint my son’s birthday, and it breaks my heart.

    He’s also trying to salvage our marriage. He acts remorseful; he’s broken down in a way I never seen him break down before. We’re trying to move forward, but it’s hard. This blog helps, and I’m trying to start my own blog because writing helps me to sort out my feelings, not to mention I don’t have much of a support system. Nobody else knows about it, and it’s comforting to know that I’m not alone in this awful journey. Sometimes I think to myself that I’ll never get over this, that this will absolutely define my entire life. Reading your blog gives me hope that maybe one day I’ll find some sort of happiness…

    • I am glad that my story is helping you. Reading just this small piece of your story, I feel as though I understand how you feel, what you are going through, and the struggle.
      I wish that your son’s birthday was not tainted and I understand. I get it. But I hope that for you there will be a day when you don’t think about the betrayal and you can just feel the happiness. But I know for me, all of this is easier said than done at times.
      I hope you find support here…

  8. I found out today. I found out today just because I noticed how private my husband was being with his phone. He feel asleep and I felt compelled to take the opportunity to investigate. I’d felt like we’ve been fighting a lot recently. I couldn’t figure out why. I searched his texts. That’s when I saw the creatures text. “I love u” and “what’s wrong baby” and “you look hot” as well as others are a few of the ones he’d texted her. I was shaking. I’m still shaking. He claimed they only kissed once and he was just looking for someone to talk sweetly to him. I don’t know what to do with this emotion. This feeling isn’t something I can even define. I’m numb. Hollow. I feel so alone and helpless. I don’t want to loose him. He’s the lovery of my life and I thought I was his. He’s apologized many times today. He texted her in front of me and told her it was over. He works with her so I’m not sure how this works. I’m not sure I can trust this story. He’s a brilliant man and know one would ever think he’d do something like this. But he has. I’m suffering. My heart is suffocating. I don’t know what to do with this. I can’t sleep. Haven’t eaten. I feel hollow. Can I do this? Should I do this? I don’t even know where to start.

    • I know how you feel. I went into physical shock. You can be ok. Keep reading everything. Find help if you can. Many of us share your story exactly. Hang on.

  9. I went through the same thing. Just found out a week ago that my man cheated on me after 18 years of marriage and having 2 teenage sons. Have been feeling suspicious for 2 months. He has been busy chatting most of the time at home. No time for the family…not even grocery or family day. Life has been very miserable. He goes out on weekends and occasionally on weekdays at night on his own. Every time whenever I get near to him, he would just immediately screen out his mobile. He keeps his mobile with him all the time…locked with password. For the first time in 18 years he seems to be a total stranger to me. I have devoted my love, youth and care for him but this is what I get in return. When I confronted him, he denied about it and told me that it is none of my business. I wanted to give up on him but he promised me that he will cut off ties with her. I am still here after a week but just today he is back on chatting with her early in the morning…screenout mobile again when I am at his back. Wonder if I should carry on like this? Life sucks!

    • It sounds like you are pretty certain but he will not come clean. Try to find a time that you can talk alone together. Ask him how he feels about your marriage, your relationship, and what he wishes could be improved. Be honest with him without accusing. It’s hard to be on this side – where you know something is wrong but you don’t have certainty. You need some answers because you cannot live in this state forever.

    • Hi there it has been now just over 1yr since I found out about my husband of 24yrs 7 month affair. I suspected something was wrong because of pretty much the same things that most wives suspect when their husband is cheating the absent times at home a couple of weekends away, keeping their mobile close at all times etc etc. I found out who she was and even confronted her she was old and ugly but of cause that does not matter because its the attention and sex that these men are looking for. My husband is very ashamed and regretful but it will never be the same

      • Same thing here…this girl was 10 years younger than me but she was fat and ugly. it is 100% all about the attention.

    • I am sorry to hear this. It is truly truly the worse and devastating thing another spouse can find out. I don’t understand why the cheating spouse just don”t leave. I wanted my husband to just make a choice and leave if he was going to continue to talk to her. He didn’t For me, I went thru pain and hell for an entire year and half. After I found out about the affair, he kept making promises it was over but a week or few weeks later I would find out he was still talking to her and seeing her. This when on for an entire year and what really hurt was for 9 months out of that year I was pregnant with our baby girl . He didn’t care nor did she. It continued literally til the day my baby girl was born. I am still in this marriage and my emotional state is a lot better. But I still have my triggers and PTSD from the affair. It changes you. As for my marriage, I love my husband and I am pretty sure the affair is over and one with. But it will take a loooooooong time to build that trust with him. With constant prayer, and faith and remembering that God loves my husband unconditionally and the same grace and forgiveness that God gives me everyday for the things I mess up on. I have learned and continue to learn to give that unconditional love, forgiveness and grace to my husband. And through the eyes of God I love my husband and continue in this marriage with our healthy, beautiful 3 children. God is good! I work on myself daily.

  10. I needed this today! It’s been 8 yrs. since I found out my husband cheated on me. We are still together (16 yrs in Sept.), working hard in keeping our marriage strong. But I do have my days when I still look back…I don’t know about the saying, “Time heals all wounds”. It’s been 8 yrs. and it still hurts. It hurts, but not as much as it used to. I have forgiven him! It took years, but he stayed even through all my countless screaming, endless tears, hurtful words and thousands of “how could you”!

    We attended a marriage retreat a month after I found out about the short affair. He fought hard for me to stay after many times I tried leaving him. I do believe that he is sorry and regrets everything.

    I want to believe that my pain will eventually dull down and fade away. One thing I learned throughout this ordeal, is it’s alright to feel angry, sad, hurt and disappointed. If he is still right beside you through all of your emotions, then you will survive! He holds me as tightly as he can when I start remembering the hurt, he kisses away my tears and reassures me that he is more in love with me now than when we first met.

    But today…well, it’s been one of those days when something sparks that painful memory. Of course this happens when he is on duty. Then I read your story and realize that I’m not alone! Thank you for sharing this painful event in your life…

  11. I found out that my husband was having an affair 6 months ago. We have been married over 20 years with three kids.Like so many of you I thought we were invincible. She was from his home town and tracked him down on facebook. For 6 months the affair was purely over emails,texts and phone calls. Then he went on a business trip and they met and spent the night together. This happened three times. I was/am so devastated. I have never cried this much in my life – he is everything to me. I always knew in my mind that an affair was a deal breaker but when it came to it I couldn’t leave. He is also devastated and remorseful. And I truly believe that he is. We are going to counseling. He cut off all contact although she continued to try and contact him, He has not contacted her in any form since the discovery. I obsess constantly about this woman. I cannot get the image of them together out of my mind.She emailed me and told me that he was in love with her and that they had a special relationship, not a cheap affair.She told me that I was not making him happy. I have never hated anyone but I hate her. I feel a physical pain.I think I truly understand that there is such a thing as a broken heart – for I feel broken. I love him but just seeing him is a constant reminder. I wish there was a pill that would make me forget this…..

    • Don’t focus on what his affair partner is telling you or images of them together. It will just cause you pain. I spent too many hours hurting myself doing the same thing and I know telling you not to focus on it is not a solution either. The relationship your husband had with his affair partner may have felt “important” or like “love” while he was in it but it does not compare to what you share with your husband. Love is not emails, texts, and sex. Love is a commitment – and it doesn’t always mean happiness. Keep talking to your husband and going to therapy together. Talk to him about how you feel – the good, bad, and the ugly. The pain you feel is real & physical but it will lessen with time. You will find yourself thinking less and less about the affair as time moves forward. When thoughts of the affair enter your mind – think of something else – anything. Distract your brain and you will eventually train your brain not to trigger sadness or pain when you recall the affair.

    • What an awful awful woman!! Of course you are going to pay mind to what she is saying but just remember she is now the woman scorned! And she has to justify in her head what she has done and possibly that is easier for her if she imagines it was love?
      I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. I am only a couple weeks in after discovery so I can’t say I know it will get better but I really hope so! It sounds like he is remorseful and made a mistake. All the best x

  12. People would fall off their chairs if they heard that my husband cheated on me. Everyone loves him, thinks he is a great person. Thinks we are the perfect couple. And before his affair, I thought the same thing.

    Two year affair with his best friend’s wife. Constant sexting, pictures. Met five times- made out twice in a car, oral sex once, and then had sex twice in our home. And here’s the real kicker- we got married during the affair. It started three months after he proposed, and continued until Dday, a month before our 1 year anniversary.

    What kind of a marriage starts like that?

    But our therapist thinks we can heal our marriage, and she tells us that affairs happen in good marriages like ours. The “why” behind the affair, as we’re beginning to figure out, has to do with my husband’s low self esteem as a result of growing up with a critical, verbally abusive alcoholic father. The therapist says my husband is vulnerable to addiction- and while he put all his energy into not being addicted to alcohol like his dad, he ended up getting caught up in the high of the affair. He did not seek it out, but did not say no to her many advances in the beginning and compartmentalized the affair over the next two years, much like he compartmentalized his dad’s drinking.

    Does that make any sense? Or am I trying to work out things with a shitty human being who manipulated me into believing he loves me?

  13. I have never in my 12 year marriage, 15 year relationship felt the need to look at my husband’s phone. Last Sunday, for some STRANGE feeling I picked it up. And I read a text to an unknown number that said “Come here this weekend.” There was no reply. My concern? I was going out of town that weekend for 5 days on a girls’ trip. I headed to Facebook and searched the number. I was SHOCKED to find that it was a girl from a town near to us. I confronted my husband, who told me he had been texting this woman for a few months and that it was flirtatious in nature. He said he had never met up with her, that it was never anything physical. I was DEVASTATED. Crushed. There aren’t any words. Two days later I found out that pictures were exchanged, that the texting had been going on for a year and a half and that my husband was the one who initiated it. I have read all of these posts about women who’s husbands actually had sex with another woman. My husband did not, but I feel the EXACT things you are feeling. Every single one of them. I went nuts. I broke shit, I beat him, and I cried in my bed and did not eat for 5 days. My husband said that this woman had been texting him all summer and he had been ignoring her. He said the worst of it was last year, when they sent pictures. I checked our phone records, and he was telling the truth. She was texting him and he was not replying. But last weekend he went on a boys’ trip, and according to him he texted her that “Come here this weekend” off the cuff. He said he had no intention of meeting up with her, but that it was always a conversation starter. He said he hadn’t even spoken to her in months. After doing some research, I found out this woman is NOT attractive at all. She is bigger than I am and just not pretty. That made me feel a little better. He said that it was all fantasy and ideas, not real life. He said it was like porn, and he liked the attention and feeling wanted from these texts. Not something he would ever act on. He immediately deleted his facebook account, and he went as far as changing his phone number the day after I found out. There is NO way for this girl to contact him. He made an appointment for marriage counseling and we went yesterday. The therapist gave us a lot of hope. But I am hurt, and I am PISSED off. I am ashamed and feel like I can’t tell anyone about what is going on. I will say he is 100% committed to making this right, but it doesn’t take away from the hurt at all. I forget for a few hours and then it’s like I just get hit again with the truth. My overall feeling is “I wasn’t enough.” While I was sleeping, he was downstairs sexting someone else. What energy he could have put into our marriage, he was putting into this sick fantasy. I’m just sick. I know that he didn’t physically sleep with another woman, but knowing he took pictures of himself and sent them to another woman just feels horrible. Knowing he looked at pictures from another woman makes me sick. Oh, and yeah, I found this woman’s boyfriend on FB and told him EVERYTHING. He was completely shocked, but said his girlfriend had done this before. Upon going to the therapist, I think he feels really optimistic. I don’t feel that way. I am hurt and don’t know if I can ever trust him again. Frankly, his optimism is pissing me off. He has all these self-realizations and wants to be a better person. I’m thinking, why couldn’t you figure this out on your own? Why did it take me finding out for you to come to this realization? And how long would this have continued had I not found that text? I swear GOD wanted me to look at his phone and read that text. It just sucks. I am THANKFUL for this blog. I feel like I am not alone in all of this.

  14. Hi, I stumbled into your blog as I was looking for articles that will help me recover from my husband’s infidelity. When I read your story, I saw myself in you, every emotion that you felt, the details on how you found out about his cheating and choosing the pain to know the truth and everything that you read in the email.

    The only difference is, my husband never admitted his affair and I have to fly back and forth from the place just to prove him that he cheated before he actually confessed. Another difference is, after I asked him so many questions and decided to start anew, he always get upset whenever I asked him another question about my new discovery. He said he left the past behind and answered my questions and it’s painful for him to go back to the past whenever I ask him questions about his unfaithfulness. But I can’t help it, I love hurting myself just to know the truth.

    My struggle is over a month now, but every morning when i wake up, the wounds are so fresh and I can’t seem to take the pain. I am paranoid and I am hurting so much still. I want to leave him and forget his cheating, but I can’t stand a day without talking to him. I love him so much but as much as I want to have a child with him to win his affection back, I guess I have to wait for God’s time.

    Please tell me how you moved on and get over with his cheating. I need your advise and I need someone to show me how because I am dying deep inside.

  15. I am about to celebrate my 30th wedding anniversary and almost 8 weeks ago, I caught my husband cheating. He tells me he loves me and does not want a divorce and insists it is over, but unlike your husbands, he refuses to discuss his affair , who it was with, or any other details, and he wants me to just move forward. He has shown no remorse, never asked for forgiveness, and has been pretty much unapologetic. Yesterday, he finally admitted that he needs individual and marriage therapy. I have no idea where this will lead. I have been suffering from massive anxiety attacks and have been in therapy since this all blew up. The suffering is, at times, unbearable, and my imagination is running wild. But I am curious to know, with the benefit of hindsight, is it better to know the details or not?

    • I wasn’t married, but I was engaged, and my fiance was living with me in my house (I let him move in so we could save money for the wedding – mistake #8). I learned by the hand of God that when I would leave for school in the mornings (he works nights) that he would bring in some girl(s) and they’d spend the mornings together. I even heard him call her “babe.” As far as details, he never offered any, either. In a way, I’m glad, because I’d probably be in jail right now on charges of murder, with evidence. The not knowing drove me nuts for a long time, but now I can say it was a blessing in disguise (very well disguised), because I now know that anyone who refuses to tell STILL HAS SOMETHING TO HIDE. Sure enough, they were still involved (and she was also engaged to someone else!), and I believe they still are. If your husband won’t come 100% clean with you, there’s a reason. Oh, I should add – watch yourself! The little skank my fiance was screwing in my house was putting pesticide in my filtered water. My poor little cat died, and I almost did, too. His plan? Marry me, kill me off, then collect a huge insurance payout. I’m not kidding. Of course, I’m no longer with him, as difficult as it’s been. God is so good, He totally had my back (and still does). I so hope that He helps you, too. =hugs=

      • Thanks, Susan, for your kind words. Since I wrote that post, everything has changed. I figured out who she was and that it has not, in fact, ended. Then, he chose her over me and said he no longer wanted to be married to me. I have never suffered such pain and confusion and fear but am taking it one hour at a time. I am fortunate to have a loving and supportive family and need to find meaning in all this.

      • Dear Betrayed, you are suffering the nightmare we all dread. My husband is going the dreamed of route of self improvement, self blame and all. But here’s my point, frankly, I think he is so basically flawed it makes no real differance except it is easier for me. I want you to feel better knowing this.

  16. I am 62 years old, my husband is 60 and been married 37 years. My husband was laid off from his job February 1st and we decided he would go on the road to work for the last four or five years until we retire.(He builds power plants) This means he is gone two to three weeks at a time. About three weeks ago I had a distinct feeling something was going on. Last weekend I walked into his office while he was on his laptop and as soon as he realized I was there, slammed the lid down and jumped up like he had been shocked. We left the house to go to lunch immediately after that and he chattered away not letting me get a word in edgewise, I think hoping to distract me. I did not say anything about it but now major doubt was planted in my mind. As soon as he flew out that afternoon I started searching emails, texts, anything I could get access to and found nothing. I did get a glimpse of the screen before it was closed and it was a message board of some sort. After thinking about that a couple of days I came to the realization it could be a married dating site. I did a search on the top sites and Ashley Madison was number one. I finally worked up the courage to create a fake profile and within minutes I found him. The things he listed he was interested in just ripped my heart out especially his interest in a short term romantic relationship not just sex. I sent his a text two hours later telling him I knew about the account. I was so shocked I could hardly speak. He called me immediately and told me nothing had happened. He told me this over and over again. The fact remains he created this profile and posted it. He does not deny if there was an opportunity he might have taken it. He is extremely remorseful and has deleted his account but I am at a loss as to how to recover from this and not be an angry woman who constantly doubts and takes pot shots at her husband whenever she can. I don’t think that helps in the restoration of a relationship.

    • You have every right to be angry. It’s HIS responsibility to both initiate and foster restoration in your relationship. He has to own his voluminous error, and he absolutely has to understand its impact on you. Many of these men who either deny one thing or another or apologize profusely after being busted are not really as sorry for what they’ve done (else they would’ve stopped on their own) as they are for being caught. There are natural consequences in this life; the best thing for women like us to is to allow them to happen and not accept any – as in any – of the blame. That way, those who thought they could get away with what they’ve been up to forever will learn something along the way as well. I’m so very, very sorry for your situation.

  17. After 10.5 years of marriage (16.5 together) and two young children, my husband told me one night, after I confronted him, he didn’t love me. I have made his life miserable and ruined it. He left. I asked him if we could work it out, but he didn’t want to try. Then I realized that all the trips to work on a co-workers computer and her son’s x-box were just a cover. Less than a week after he left, he was spending the night with her. Five months after leaving, he still denies he cheated. I don’t believe him for a second. Always puts the blame on me, says I didn’t want to do anything, go anywhere, didn’t want to have sex…my life revolved around the kids. I have cried many tears over this, trying to figure out why. I know I’ll never know why (it’s not because she’s prettier or younger) because he’ll never be honest with me. In fact, he hates me and I feel the same way about him. The worst part is putting the kids through all this and trying to figure out how to move on emotionally. Just when I think I’m strong, my emotions get the best of me. I think most of it is because he has no regrets and doesn’t care how much he has hurt me. I hope one day I can move on past all of this.

    • I hate to write this, but maybe the coworker will get hit by a bus or something. When he comes crawling back to you, spit in his eyes. This was about him, not about anything “wrong” with you, love. He’s a greedy, selfish prick. Who would do that to their family?! The best thing for your children is to explain that sometimes even adults make really bad decisions that sometimes really hurt others deeply, and that daddy made a really bad decision. Really bad. I’m so, so very sorry you’re having to deal with such a horrible situation. What an ass, I’m sorry…if I knew him I’d let him have it.

    • Jenn, One day you will get past all of this. Right now you are, understandably, an emotional wreck. You’ve been together a long time and I know what a shock this was for you. I found out 3 years ago that my husband was having an “emotional” affair with our neighbor. I had caught him in the first year calling her home during the day. He lied his way out of it and said he was calling her husband (who was his friend.) Then 9 years later my daughter (19 years old) caught them on the phone. I totally trusted him. The night I found out was probably the worst night of my life. We had been married 22 years, 2 beautiful daughters. I thought life was great! My husband was a selfish, self-centered, cry-baby who needed this other woman to tell him how right he was and how awful I was. She manipulated him in every way. He still says there was no sex, but my intuition tells me there was. But that night my daughter caught them, she told me. I immediately went down on the computer and started checking the cell phone bills on-line. I still get sick to my stomach when I think about seeing hundreds and hundreds of text messages and phone calls to this woman’s cell phone. I truly was in shock. I wanted to punch both of them in the face! It has taken me 3 years to finally be able to look at him without hatred. He became very remorseful. He told me “the truth”, or as much of it as I think I can get out of him, about what went on (not that I totally believe him.) But he has made progress. He’s working hard, no longer going out with the guys, and hasn’t missed a single Sunday of church in 3 years. I still wonder if/when we will separate.

      However, your husband doesn’t seem to be remorseful at all. So,
      I’d say kick his sorry ass out for good and move on! He will eventually see how good he had it. I worked in divorce court for 30 years and the saying is so true – “If they fool around with you, they’re going to fool around on you.” She’s a homewrecker and he’s a dumbass for believing she will ever be anything but trash!

      Hoping and praying for you!

      • Thank you ladies. I’m very honest with my son (5) about what is going on. My daughter is too young (almost 2) to understand any of it. Someday she will ask and I will tell her the same truth as I tell him. I sometimes wish for bad things to happen to him and/or her, but am reminded of karma and I don’t want my kids to grow up with me. I’m really better off without him, but the “why”…just not sure it will ever go away.

        He left right after it happened, but has done everything he can to make my life difficult. And he does this through the kids. The kids are my world and that is how he gets me; so I try not to let him know this. I don’t hurt for him anymore, as I realized our marriage was over long ago. In fact, he had been cheating on since the month before our daughter was born. What a pig!

        I know time will heal all of this and I know God has a bigger plan for me and my kids!

  18. Thank you so much for this post and to everyone else who has also commented. It is nice to not feel so alone, I have found this to be a very isolating experience.
    My story is a little different – I have been married for 6 months to a man I have been in a relationship with for on and off 11 years. Last month he went on a stag weekend, got drunk and had sex with someone else. A one night stand.
    He didn’t tell me but when he came home he was behaving differently, standoffish and quiet. I confronted this and he said I was paranoid. I then found out 2 weeks later (2 weeks ago) that he had kissed this girl, he admitted to this and nothing more. Then a week later I found out it was sex. I am completely devastated, I dream about it every night and wake up in the morning with a tightness and emptiness in my chest. He says he was so drunk that he blacked out and can’t remember much of any of it at all. So all my questions like – who asked who to go back to the hotel? Was she flirting with you and you were drunk and weak or did you proposition her and complement her and kiss and touch her all night on the build up. I can’t have these answered As he claims he can’t remember. Do the answers to these questions even matter? How would I feel if I had the answers? Why do I want to know in the first place?
    The triggers that other have mentioned have been so awful. He is remorseful and sorry and trying to make me feel better but he is also feeling guilty and ashamed of himself. He has never had a one night stand even as a single man.
    I can’t help wondering if anything like this has ever happened before now, he has an issue with not being able to handle his drink so why would this be the first time anything happened?
    The girl knew he was married and was not bothered a jot, I realise it’s his fault not hers but how could someone do that?
    Sigh, I am hoping things get better. At the moment I have one foot out of the door of our marriage.

    • He’s hiding something significant. Any bloke so drunk he “can’t remember anything” is entirely unable to get anything “up onto the table,” so to speak. “Whiskey dick,” I think they call it. You may want to consider opening the door up a bit further so you can get the other foot out and run, else someday you may find that you’ve contracted something incurable. (Oh, she’s just as much to blame.)

  19. I have been married for 24 years. We just recently celebrated our anniversary 2 weeks ago. We also became empty nesters 1 year half ago. At forst things were great and very exciting the things started to change. I could feel things were not right with him. So i did some diggi g….and yes i was right. Had had been texting and calling another woman…..whom i later found out was a coworker of his. He denied wver sleeping with her and said it was only twxting and calls…..but something told me different. I found some searches on his phone looki g for local hotels….so began calling hotels….yes i found one where he had stayed twice..

  20. Oh my goodness, I know exactly how you feel, there is not one moment that passes that i don’t think about how/why my husband cheated on me; even while on the toilet!!! If i had not decided to start my “healingmycheatedheart” blog here I would have never read your story and realize that I am not the only one (even though I knew in my logical mind that I was not the only one, but my ravished mind truly believed I was alone in this), so thank you for sharing!!!

  21. Thank you for sharing. I recently discovered evidence of cheating, but my husband denies everything. Things were also perfect between us, and friends would comment on how they want the same “spark” we have, in their relationships. We have tried counseling but when he does not take any responsibility it is hard to move forward. So here we are, 4 months after “shit hit the fan”, and I am unable to move on. It makes me feel very alone. The cheating came up just after we had a new baby, with health issues. Not sure where to go from here.

  22. It’s been 2 months today since I found out my husband was sexting another woman. They never met up, but exchanged explicit pictures. Does this ever get easier? One minute I’m fine and we are moving forward, and the next I am haunted by the details and it completely ruins my day. The small details of what they said to each other. It is absolutely maddening. We’ve been going to counseling and he owns up to everything and wants to move forward. This is SO hard and he didn’t even sleep with anyone. How are you all surviving?? I’ve never felt so weak in my life.

  23. i am so blessed to have known michaelstealth you are god sent.i really appreciate working with you after you helped me discover my husband was cheating on me and all he asked for was his email and phone number, that way I was able to access all the information I needed .i am not ashamed to tell because i know alot of people need this too. is the best and assured person to run to for anything you need to fish out and any bone you wanna pick.i guaranty you.god bless you sir

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