My story: How I discovered my husband’s affair


I discovered the truth on September 22, 2012. I guess the truth had been haunting me despite a happy marriage and three amazing children… there was something wrong. Funny thing is, I thought I was unhappy with my job or something. No idea that the root of my unhappiness, discontent and insecurity was stemming from my seemingly perfect marriage.

But there I was at 2 a.m. going through his emails trying to find something. And then I saw the email to her that read:

I miss you……

Why would he tell another woman he missed her? And why did he email her a photo of my children? And why was her comment that it wasn’t like the other photos they had been sharing? And why was there no other photos in his email to or from her? My heart was pounding and my body was shaking. And then I found it. A sexual photo downloaded from Tumblr and emailed to another account. An account I didn’t recognize. It took less than two minutes to hack into the account and as my computer screen refreshed I prayed that all I would find was a collection of erotic photos. But it wasn’t. I found 73 pages of emails from her to my husband detailing a year long affair. I wanted to scream but it was the middle of the night. My husband was away for the weekend  with one of our kids. I couldn’t even scream at him.

I sobbed in my bed alone wondering how and why we got to this point.

I knew I shouldn’t torture myself with the emails but I began to read through them. Her messages to him were mostly sexual, describing their encounters detail by detail. I skipped through the emails picking dates that had meaning to me–did he write her on my birthday? Our anniversary? Valentine’s day? Was he responding to her or initiating the emails? How did this begin without me noticing? Was I blind? Was I that far removed from my husband’s life?


The questions flooded my brain. The pain of what he had done was overwhelming. I physically got sick. I couldn’t sleep. I kept going back to the emails.

Did he want our marriage to end? Did he ever love me? I’d never felt pain like this. Ever. It was straight to my core.

I loved this man. I gave him everything. I loved him dearly and we discussed our love as though it were unique, something everyone wants but not everyone receives. So how could a man that looked me in the eyes and say he would never risk losing me enter into a year long affair?

I knew who she was too. She was removed from me but I met her once and didn’t care for her. The first time he ever told me about her I didn’t like the way he seemed to idolize her–saying that she was amazing at her job when I couldn’t hear anything remarkable in his comments. I told him too. It’s only now that I know that when I told him I didn’t like the way he seemed to talk about her that he decided not to talk about her to me from then on. Funny thing, she was barely his friend at that point. But once he decided to continue that relationship purposefully behind my back, it became an affair. He still denies that was the turning point in the relationship. Trying to believe he was just being a friend to her as she ended her marriage. He says he wasn’t attracted to her. Claims he didn’t find her sexually appealing. Yet when she started making passes at him through email, that was when he suggested opening private email accounts. About a month after the private email accounts were opened he had sex with her.

I struggle with how many details I want to know. Once you know something, you can’t un-know it. He says she invited him over to her house to help with some “work” stuff. She didn’t work at his office but she kept inserting herself into his business. He says she kissed him that day. He kissed her back. Then two weeks later he drove back to her house in the middle of his work day and they had sex. This continued almost on a weekly basis until the day I found the emails.

So here I am 35 days later. We are still married, living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed and we are still in love. When I confronted him, he acknowledged everything. At first, he tried to defend himself by saying our sex life had dwindled. Then he tried to say that I am the love of his life but he doesn’t think he is the love of my life. Then he tried to say that I never initiate sex or go down on him. All of this was displacing the blame and he has since realized that this was HIS choice and it wasn’t about me.

It took him a full day to break down. I think he realized that he risked our marriage, his relationship with his children, his job and everything that is meaningful in his life for a woman that he doesn’t even care to see again. When I told him that if she wasn’t 100% out of his life then I was going to be–he didn’t bat an eye. He said he was relieved. He said he tried to end it twice. I don’t know if that is supposed to make me feel better or not? He says he slept with her for her needs, not because he wanted to. He was trying to be a friend to her as she went through a bad time in her life. Wow. Not to lighten the mood–but have I been a bad friend because I haven’t been sleeping with all my friends going through tough times?

He begged me to forgive him and said he would do anything. I believe him. I’m not saying that I trust him again. But I believed him when he said he loved me.

We’ve spent every night for the past 35 days talking. Talking through the pain, tears, anger and fears. He takes responsibility for his decisions and actions but he struggles with how he even let himself sink that low. He was self-destructing and he failed to recognize that the real devastation was to me, his wife. He may live with the guilt, but I live with the pain, the endless images in my mind, the triggers that catch you off-guard and the sadness that fills my heart. I can’t sit on the toilet without thinking: my husband cheated on me.

I guess I am writing this blog because I want to know why he did it. Honestly, we had (have) not just a good marriage–a great marriage. We are that couple that our family and friends try to emulate. We have amazing children–because we invest time and love into them together. We talked. We made love. We got along with each other’s families. We went on vacations. We supported each other through really tough times. Yes, we had our moments but we were thankful for each other. When we heard of people divorcing we acknowledged how lucky we were to be married to our soul mate. So why did he doubt my love? Because he wasn’t getting bj’s or laid enough? Because I went back to work? What makes a person risk a life they built with their true love for someone that is meaningless? How did he allow it to continue for a year? How did he live with the guilt? How did he look me or his kids in the eye? How did he tell our kids to surround themselves with honest and good-intentioned people if he was not doing the same? Why was his need to make her feel better more important than our marriage vows?

I am hoping these questions will be answered here.

In the end, I love him. That’s all I know right now.



539 thoughts on “My story: How I discovered my husband’s affair

  1. Thank you for sharing your story. I am in the first month of discovery and the crazy roller coaster of emotions. I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate the thoughtfullness of your words. I especially enjoy your Infidelity Trax and would add Landslide by Fleetwood Mac.
    Thank you again for being strong, for sharing and for giving me hope.

  2. I just found out that my husband was having an affair 2 weeks ago. He sat me down and told me. It was a month long that started with a co-worker that lives thousands of miles away. The thought that a friendly conversation on a phone could turn in to what it did tears me up.

    Your story resonates so loudly with me… we were the couple everyone looked up to, the couple that others sought advice on how to make their marriage strong. It took my husband 5 days, after telling me that he had phone sex with her, to realize that he just had a month long affair. He kept referring to it as “just fantasy”. He did not see the lies, secrecy and sexual nature as an affair.

    I wanted to see proof, to read texts, to see photos. There is nothing to see. His employer has an app that you talk, text, and send things through. There is very little on his phone, he erased the little that was there. Would seeing it make it better? I have a timeline that I have constructed, but it feels incomplete. I wanted to be able to see what I had been doing when this was all going on. Was I Christmas shopping? Would this help me process things better? knowing what was said? I know if I asked he would tell me but I am at the point where I am sick of being sad and sick of crying.

    I spent the first 10 days not able to sleep. I was waking with questions after 2 hours of sleep and then I would just spin the rest of the day. We are working on things but the pain it causes me is excruciating. The thoughts and questions that wake me up during the night are subsiding but they are relentless. I think I am most devastated by the fact this occurred over the holiday season.

    Our first counseling appointment is still 2 weeks away and I wonder how am I going to make it?!?

    • I spent many hours focused on how little conversations and meaningless emails grew into an affair. It takes two willing people to begin an affair and I spent too much time angry and upset thinking about how it all began. I can relate to everything you wrote… sleeping, thoughts, trust…everything. Take care of yourself. I hope your therapy session went/goes well. For me, that was a moment when I realize that we could conquer this and get through it. I needed a neutral third-party to hear my story, weigh-in, and tell me that there was hope (or not) before I made any decisions.

      • I just stumbled on your blog and your letter to ‘self’. It resonated so much with me. I carried on reading and found myself here, reading your reply to this comment and I realized it was at this exact moment shown on the day and time stamp, that I was just a few hours into the worst pain of my life. It was literally at this exact moment that my heart was broken into a million pieces after finding out about my husband’s affair. But even only hours in, God had filled my heart with an unexplainable renewed, overwhelming and deep deep love for my husband. To say it has been intense is an understatement but I am amazed at how God can truly transform lives and marriages. I think my husband and I are in a better place than we ever have been. We are both so in love. Of course you know the ups and downs but through it all we keep pressing on and doing the hard work – and it is so worth it. There is hope, there is healing, trust can be found again, forgiveness is possible. Just keep breathing and pressing in, there is joy ahead!

      • It was a long year for me- I will never forget 2015.

        We did make it- I was an emotional wreck for the first 6 months. I think my adrenals are still paying for it.

        I really did feel like my heart broke. It is not the same mended but it is mended. We went to counseling for a couple months. It helped but my daily walks listening to Jack White and the Black Keys got me through the worst and kept me going… Don’t ask me why but maybe it is a little of the anger in their songs or the constant pounding to drown out my sadness.

        I keep hearing couples in our circle that are getting divorced, having affairs, etc. It makes me sad, it takes me back, it makes me wonder….

        I feel our relationship is stronger, I am not though-

    • Hurttoomuch, he came forward and told you about it. That is the first step in the right direction. (I had to find out about my husband’s 9-year “emotional” affair when my daughter caught him on the phone with the OW!) I think this is a positive thing for you. I was just like you – wanted to know every little detail. Trust me, you don’t want to know. What you NEED to know is, is he truly sorry? Is he willing to go to any length to help YOU through this? The affair he had and his feelings are not important right now. It’s YOUR feelings that matter and he needs to help you get through this. If you ask questions, do you feel you’re getting honest answers? He needs to be open and honest. If you feel he is not, then you need to address that with your counselor. But just the fact that he came to you and told you is a good start. I will say a prayer for you. Take care of yourself, eat well, exercise and breathe. You are stronger than you know!

  3. A year ago I started to feel suspicious of my husbands friendship with out wild and crazy neighbor. My husband had lost his job and was spending his days at home usually on the computer. To ease my mind; because I never truly thought I would discover anything, I purchased a digital recorder and placed it under the computer desk before I went to work. (I felt guilty for doing this). After a few days of listening to his day he finally came home one morning after dropping off our daughters at school. At first I thought he was talking to me on the phone when I heard him say “I love you too baby” but then to my horror I realized it was not me he was talking too. I listened to the rest of the day he talks to her several times, tells her about his day, talks about me and our children like it is all normal and she is just a happy addition to our family. Each time the conversations end he says love you too. I confronted him that Friday on Valentine’s day 2014. It started out such a good day! The day before he snuck a rose and candy into my car and then on Valentine’s sent me a large bouquet and brought me lunch to work. When I returned home from work I listened to the recordings then took him in the bedroom and calmly asked “is there anything you need to tell me about you and “whores” relationship. He said no firmly and with a straight face. I then put the recorder in front of him and said “I heard you tell her you love her today” . He hung his head and said alright it’s true I have been sleeping with her. I sat on the bed and said “so your in love with her now”? He immediately denied it. Said it was just sex.

    • Oh, men…..why oh why. Sounds familiar. Denying it at first, and saying it was just sex and not more of a romantic thing. Although I know part of that is true because it was with people found on craigslist that were paid with our hard earned money behind my back. Pretty awful….total strangers. (with one exception….a lady that he tried to have a continuing thing with but was mostly texting and one encounter before I found out and it was put to a stop by him.) But maybe it is better to know there was not an emotional attachment with most of it. I wonder how any woman ever puts herself out on Craigslist to make money on sex. How on earth is it possible to live with oneself?? I wonder if I can ever respect men sometimes after having my eyes opened to what my husband has been up to for the last two years, and hearing about how many other women go through this kind of thing. The pain is earth shattering, and I am on a journey of healing in a new reality…always before thinking that nothing like this could ever happen to my marriage….EVER!! Leaning on God and trying to have open communication and love with my husband in spite of the pain. I totally relate to the comments about seeing other couples that we have been friends with and finding myself thinking, “Aren’t they lucky. I am sure that nothing like this has happened in their marriage. Would be nice to have that too.” One day at a time. I told my husband that I trusted him the last two years when I unknowingly should not have…so now maybe I can take this one day at a time and try to trust him as he is trying so very hard to do the right thing and giving me ways to keep track of him and to be open with me about everything. (sorry this is so long…first time opening up like this on a forum)

    • I am still trying to get over my husband’s emotional affair with the neighbor girl who is 1/2 my age. She came over EVERYDAY, not exaggerating, 7 days a week, ONLY at times I wasn’t home. Who does that? She claimed to be my friend. Who goes to their friend’s house only at times they’re not home to hang out with their spouse??? They got drunk together often. I would come home from the store to find her alone in my house with my husband. I thought this was inappropriate and disrespectful, but I never said a word as I trusted both of them. The disrespect grew. After she left, my husband would tell me how horny he was, implying that she made him horny. He started talking about how this was the summer he was going places and she was coming with him, he would say this for about two weeks straight all excited. I think he was just trying to get a rise out of me. When I didn’t play into his game, he kept taking it to the next level. I finally cracked when I came home one day from work to find them once again getting drunk together. They watched her husband drive off to work, came in my house and he whispered in her ear right in front of me. She told me she was going home to grab a bottle of rum and dumped her kid with me. He slammed the door in my face and off they went to her house with me at home like a schmuck watching her kid. They were gone about 20-30min. I was so upset, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I was shaking. They came back and I asked what were you doing over there, getting high? He said, “I knew you would figure out what we were doing. I couldn’t sleep at all that night. I was so upset. I demanded he stop seeing her and he did. I thought that both of their behaviors were inappropriate and disrespectful. My 21 yr old daughter would ask me why her dad was with the neighbor everyday,, I told her I didn’t know that she should ask him, but she never did. She thought it to be inappropriate also. This girl came over with daisy dukes and low cut shirts with her big boobs hanging out and sitting real close next to my husband all the time. It was clear they were feeding each others egos. Her would invite her out to dinner with us without asking me first. He would make summer plans with her and ask me to drive them as he doesn’t drink and drive. Very rude and cruel. I can’t seem to get over his poor behavior towards me. I know this behavior would still be continuing if I didn’t stop it. He says he did nothing wrong as he didn’t have sex with her. I had to watch him flirt and pursue a girl 1/2 my age. I am still very hurt by his poor behavior. I go through daily emotional stress as she lives 2 doors away. My husband’s intentional cruel behavior caused me to fall completely OUT of love with him. I will never feel the same about him. I ask myself everyday why he behaved this way. Why did he make her a priority above me and our marriage? Why did he treat me like less than his wife? I can only come up with, he doesn’t love me. Any husband who treats his wife in this manner does not love her. Things will never be the same between us. I am looking to Jesus to be my one and only love. I have joined a Bible study group. Trying to focus on God’s word instead of my husband’s hurtful words and actions. I know I am supposed to extend God’s love and forgive, but it is so hard. I think my husband needs to step up and be a man and show me a lot of love, before it’s too late. I may leave him. I have to remember this had nothing to do with me. It was his lack of integrity, honor, respect and his poor character. I am very disappointed in him, but more surprised that he’s not disappointed in himself. He always claimed to be a Christian man, this is not Christian behavior.

  4. I’m just reading this as I’m new to your blog. I’m grateful it’s here. Makes it easier to know I’m not the only one who wanted to believe. Thanks and I hope you will see in my page how this mess started

  5. Its been a year since I discovered my husband’s affair. Doom’s day was on 1 April. At first when my neighbour’s sister confirmed that when my husband didn’t spend the night at home he was with another woman I thought it was a bad April fool’s joke.

    I’d asked her to investigate for me because my husband had slept out one day and claimed to have spent the night at his cousins place but it turned out he’d spent the night at a house across the road from my neighbour’s sister. His friend shared the place with other people and it turned out he’d hooked my husband up with a divorced lady with two kids who stayed there.

    My heart shattered when It was confirmed that my husband was having an affair. I confronted the other woman that very day and she confessed to everything. The affair had gone on for three weeks then .Funny thing is she had seen me with my husband and child one day at the shopping mall so she knew he was married before the affair even went far.

    The affair went on for three months after D-day. Anyway ,I’m still trying to heal but the memories never fade. I get nervous everytime my husband gets a phone call or when I see him chatting on whatsapp. Its hard to ever fully trust again. Everytime I see a woman who looks almost like the other woman or dresses the way she does the memories come back.

    We never went for counseling and my husband thinks I should just forget it ever happened so we can move on with our lives. It aint easy.I get nightmares almost every night about that affair. Nothing will ever be the same

    • The problem is you can’t just forget this. It’s a traumatic experience and most women will agree with me that many of us suffer from PTSD. The triggers will hit you without warning, the fear, the emotional rollercoaster. I am 2 1/2 years from my D-day and I cannot forget. I don’t know if I think about my husband’s affair every day but it’s still there in my thoughts all the time. The pain associated with those triggers is no longer there for me but it took almost two years to get to that point. It’s very hard to trust again. The only thing that makes it easier is having support and going through the pain, the crap, the tears, screaming, and everything together as a couple. I truly feel like we had to hit the lowest lows to be where we are today.

      • I discovered my husband’s affair a month ago. I found videos of them on the computer. He denied everything initially but eventually confessed. The pain is worse than anything. I have severe PTSD from those videos. I fear that they will be imprinted on my mind forever. He says it was a one night stand but she seems to have become emotionally attached to him and is sending him stalkery emails. It feels as if every time I try to move forward I’m triggered by something new that hurts me all over again. Does the pain ever go away? Will I ever trust him. She sends emails making it sound as if it was a long term affair but my husband insists it was only one night.

      • To be honest, he thinks I’m over it or expects me to just get over it and move on just like that. I try to put up a happy face but at times I feel a deep empty hole inside. I ask myself time and again how this happened to me. Sometimes I even ask myself if staying was a good decision. He does try at times to make me feel secure and loved but nothing can ever take the pain or the memories away.My faith is the only real thing that helps keep everything together.

  6. Because he was bored.
    Bored of routine, bored.
    He loves his family more, he loves you, more.
    But he had an affair because of lack of sex and excitment in his relationship with you.
    Do you have hobbies? Do you work?

    No guilt because sex is not more important then his marriage with you.

    • I like your point that sex wasn’t as important as marriage, really do BUT
      Uh oh, don’t dare suggest it was the spouse being boring!
      That’s no excuse to betray someone.
      But it also isn’t the reason.
      He may have been bored or over stressed, resentful of her vivacious, rewarding life (not boring) or not have any moral fibre.
      It was his problem to solve honestly with her., not an interloper.

  7. I just want to say thank you so much for sharing your story and posting about your affair recovery. Like many others here, I found your blog thanks to Google after my own D-Day. I just found out a little over a month ago about my husband’s affair, but I had suspected something has been “off” for about a year and a half. I was so deeply entrenched in my own denial, that I ignored all the obvious signs telling myself that I was crazy, and that my anxiety was getting the best of me. Your blog gives me just enough hope to get me through the day sometimes.

    My husband and I have been together for 11 years, and married for 5. I too, thought we were invincible. We used to think we were so much better than other couples, and there was NO doubt in my mind that we would grow old together. There wasn’t even a question about it… but I noticed my husband growing distant over the past year and a half. He was on his phone constantly; literally every second of our time together during this time he spent looking at websites (and now I know better–text messages) on his phone. I even not-so-jokingly told him he must have an addiction to his phone last summer. Boy, if I only knew…

    And then in April he lost his job… and he came clean. This wasn’t just some tryst, but he was carrying on a full-fledged relationship with a girl much younger than he and I. During this time we had our 3rd child–our only son. I also came to find out that even on the day that our son was born, he spent the entire time I was in the recovery room from my C-Section on the phone with her. In fact, he talked to her 3 times that day– EVERY.SINGLE. TIME. he left the hospital, he was talking to HER. This will forever taint my son’s birthday, and it breaks my heart.

    He’s also trying to salvage our marriage. He acts remorseful; he’s broken down in a way I never seen him break down before. We’re trying to move forward, but it’s hard. This blog helps, and I’m trying to start my own blog because writing helps me to sort out my feelings, not to mention I don’t have much of a support system. Nobody else knows about it, and it’s comforting to know that I’m not alone in this awful journey. Sometimes I think to myself that I’ll never get over this, that this will absolutely define my entire life. Reading your blog gives me hope that maybe one day I’ll find some sort of happiness…

    • I am glad that my story is helping you. Reading just this small piece of your story, I feel as though I understand how you feel, what you are going through, and the struggle.
      I wish that your son’s birthday was not tainted and I understand. I get it. But I hope that for you there will be a day when you don’t think about the betrayal and you can just feel the happiness. But I know for me, all of this is easier said than done at times.
      I hope you find support here…

    • I also accused my husband of being addicted to his phone; he would do the same thing when we were together….be distant from me and on that dumb phone. I had no idea of the messages he was sending out!! Something seemed wrong the the last year and a half for us also, and I would even accuse him of cheating on me or being up to something. He would deny it every time. I would feel guilty for even thinking he would do something like that and of accusing him of things like that, wondering what my problem was. This is one of the most hurtful parts….the betrayal….it was a selfish way to emotionally torment me for the last 2 years. I kept asking him what was wrong, why he would dis engage. I wanted to do what it took to have a healthy marriage, but he would not try, not until he was found out. 😦 Honestly one of the hardest parts I have to forgive is that emotional betrayal.

      • Hello…I am also a wife who within the last 4 months discovered my husband of 13 years has a porn/sex addiction. In the past I had caught him looking at porn and he promised to stop. In September 2015 I found half naked. pics of a woman on his phone, who I could tell was not from the internet. He denied it at first and then said she was someone who he dated as a teen and she found him on FB. Story I got started as friends talking, never meeting in person to him complaining about his marriage to her and then she decides to send 1/2 naked pics to him and that is when he decided she was taking it too far and ended contact with her. Then after multiple attempts of him evading her and blocking her # she decided to write him a FB message saying how much she was hurt but she understood him wanting to work on his marriage!! Yadayada! Well I was not convinced of his story so I went thru cell phone records to see if and when he stated contact had ceased was true. During that process I found, while out of state working, he had 3 prostitutes come to hotel room and perform oral sex on him. And another time he admitted to actually going to a hotel locally for the same thing. He stated he had confessed all. Met with our preacher and confessed to him, we have been going to marriage counseling and praying but just a few days ago an opened condom wrapper was found on the dash of his truck and he says it is not his and must be one of his crew who rides in the truck to jobsite with him. My heart is broke/shattered! My life has been turned upside down. What to do? I just don’t believe anything he says and hate to be taken advantage of anymore. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

  8. I found out today. I found out today just because I noticed how private my husband was being with his phone. He feel asleep and I felt compelled to take the opportunity to investigate. I’d felt like we’ve been fighting a lot recently. I couldn’t figure out why. I searched his texts. That’s when I saw the creatures text. “I love u” and “what’s wrong baby” and “you look hot” as well as others are a few of the ones he’d texted her. I was shaking. I’m still shaking. He claimed they only kissed once and he was just looking for someone to talk sweetly to him. I don’t know what to do with this emotion. This feeling isn’t something I can even define. I’m numb. Hollow. I feel so alone and helpless. I don’t want to loose him. He’s the lovery of my life and I thought I was his. He’s apologized many times today. He texted her in front of me and told her it was over. He works with her so I’m not sure how this works. I’m not sure I can trust this story. He’s a brilliant man and know one would ever think he’d do something like this. But he has. I’m suffering. My heart is suffocating. I don’t know what to do with this. I can’t sleep. Haven’t eaten. I feel hollow. Can I do this? Should I do this? I don’t even know where to start.

    • I know how you feel. I went into physical shock. You can be ok. Keep reading everything. Find help if you can. Many of us share your story exactly. Hang on.

    • In the book I read called “Surviving an Affair,” the psychologists strongly recommend that if a wayward spouse had an affair with a co-worker…get a different job! Move if you need to. I know it sounds extreme, but if he really wants to heal the marriage, drastic steps need to be taken. That is a good book to go through together. It also explains how affairs get started, helped me to understand the 5 biggest emotional needs for both of us and to see how those were not being met the last year. It was a bad cycle! But with openness, communication, and tenderness, the emotional needs being met has naturally returned to our marriage. But I am still dealing with anger and bitterness.

  9. I went through the same thing. Just found out a week ago that my man cheated on me after 18 years of marriage and having 2 teenage sons. Have been feeling suspicious for 2 months. He has been busy chatting most of the time at home. No time for the family…not even grocery or family day. Life has been very miserable. He goes out on weekends and occasionally on weekdays at night on his own. Every time whenever I get near to him, he would just immediately screen out his mobile. He keeps his mobile with him all the time…locked with password. For the first time in 18 years he seems to be a total stranger to me. I have devoted my love, youth and care for him but this is what I get in return. When I confronted him, he denied about it and told me that it is none of my business. I wanted to give up on him but he promised me that he will cut off ties with her. I am still here after a week but just today he is back on chatting with her early in the morning…screenout mobile again when I am at his back. Wonder if I should carry on like this? Life sucks!

    • It sounds like you are pretty certain but he will not come clean. Try to find a time that you can talk alone together. Ask him how he feels about your marriage, your relationship, and what he wishes could be improved. Be honest with him without accusing. It’s hard to be on this side – where you know something is wrong but you don’t have certainty. You need some answers because you cannot live in this state forever.

    • Hi there it has been now just over 1yr since I found out about my husband of 24yrs 7 month affair. I suspected something was wrong because of pretty much the same things that most wives suspect when their husband is cheating the absent times at home a couple of weekends away, keeping their mobile close at all times etc etc. I found out who she was and even confronted her she was old and ugly but of cause that does not matter because its the attention and sex that these men are looking for. My husband is very ashamed and regretful but it will never be the same

    • I am sorry to hear this. It is truly truly the worse and devastating thing another spouse can find out. I don’t understand why the cheating spouse just don”t leave. I wanted my husband to just make a choice and leave if he was going to continue to talk to her. He didn’t For me, I went thru pain and hell for an entire year and half. After I found out about the affair, he kept making promises it was over but a week or few weeks later I would find out he was still talking to her and seeing her. This when on for an entire year and what really hurt was for 9 months out of that year I was pregnant with our baby girl . He didn’t care nor did she. It continued literally til the day my baby girl was born. I am still in this marriage and my emotional state is a lot better. But I still have my triggers and PTSD from the affair. It changes you. As for my marriage, I love my husband and I am pretty sure the affair is over and one with. But it will take a loooooooong time to build that trust with him. With constant prayer, and faith and remembering that God loves my husband unconditionally and the same grace and forgiveness that God gives me everyday for the things I mess up on. I have learned and continue to learn to give that unconditional love, forgiveness and grace to my husband. And through the eyes of God I love my husband and continue in this marriage with our healthy, beautiful 3 children. God is good! I work on myself daily.

  10. I needed this today! It’s been 8 yrs. since I found out my husband cheated on me. We are still together (16 yrs in Sept.), working hard in keeping our marriage strong. But I do have my days when I still look back…I don’t know about the saying, “Time heals all wounds”. It’s been 8 yrs. and it still hurts. It hurts, but not as much as it used to. I have forgiven him! It took years, but he stayed even through all my countless screaming, endless tears, hurtful words and thousands of “how could you”!

    We attended a marriage retreat a month after I found out about the short affair. He fought hard for me to stay after many times I tried leaving him. I do believe that he is sorry and regrets everything.

    I want to believe that my pain will eventually dull down and fade away. One thing I learned throughout this ordeal, is it’s alright to feel angry, sad, hurt and disappointed. If he is still right beside you through all of your emotions, then you will survive! He holds me as tightly as he can when I start remembering the hurt, he kisses away my tears and reassures me that he is more in love with me now than when we first met.

    But today…well, it’s been one of those days when something sparks that painful memory. Of course this happens when he is on duty. Then I read your story and realize that I’m not alone! Thank you for sharing this painful event in your life…

  11. I found out that my husband was having an affair 6 months ago. We have been married over 20 years with three kids.Like so many of you I thought we were invincible. She was from his home town and tracked him down on facebook. For 6 months the affair was purely over emails,texts and phone calls. Then he went on a business trip and they met and spent the night together. This happened three times. I was/am so devastated. I have never cried this much in my life – he is everything to me. I always knew in my mind that an affair was a deal breaker but when it came to it I couldn’t leave. He is also devastated and remorseful. And I truly believe that he is. We are going to counseling. He cut off all contact although she continued to try and contact him, He has not contacted her in any form since the discovery. I obsess constantly about this woman. I cannot get the image of them together out of my mind.She emailed me and told me that he was in love with her and that they had a special relationship, not a cheap affair.She told me that I was not making him happy. I have never hated anyone but I hate her. I feel a physical pain.I think I truly understand that there is such a thing as a broken heart – for I feel broken. I love him but just seeing him is a constant reminder. I wish there was a pill that would make me forget this…..

    • Don’t focus on what his affair partner is telling you or images of them together. It will just cause you pain. I spent too many hours hurting myself doing the same thing and I know telling you not to focus on it is not a solution either. The relationship your husband had with his affair partner may have felt “important” or like “love” while he was in it but it does not compare to what you share with your husband. Love is not emails, texts, and sex. Love is a commitment – and it doesn’t always mean happiness. Keep talking to your husband and going to therapy together. Talk to him about how you feel – the good, bad, and the ugly. The pain you feel is real & physical but it will lessen with time. You will find yourself thinking less and less about the affair as time moves forward. When thoughts of the affair enter your mind – think of something else – anything. Distract your brain and you will eventually train your brain not to trigger sadness or pain when you recall the affair.

    • What an awful awful woman!! Of course you are going to pay mind to what she is saying but just remember she is now the woman scorned! And she has to justify in her head what she has done and possibly that is easier for her if she imagines it was love?
      I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. I am only a couple weeks in after discovery so I can’t say I know it will get better but I really hope so! It sounds like he is remorseful and made a mistake. All the best x

  12. People would fall off their chairs if they heard that my husband cheated on me. Everyone loves him, thinks he is a great person. Thinks we are the perfect couple. And before his affair, I thought the same thing.

    Two year affair with his best friend’s wife. Constant sexting, pictures. Met five times- made out twice in a car, oral sex once, and then had sex twice in our home. And here’s the real kicker- we got married during the affair. It started three months after he proposed, and continued until Dday, a month before our 1 year anniversary.

    What kind of a marriage starts like that?

    But our therapist thinks we can heal our marriage, and she tells us that affairs happen in good marriages like ours. The “why” behind the affair, as we’re beginning to figure out, has to do with my husband’s low self esteem as a result of growing up with a critical, verbally abusive alcoholic father. The therapist says my husband is vulnerable to addiction- and while he put all his energy into not being addicted to alcohol like his dad, he ended up getting caught up in the high of the affair. He did not seek it out, but did not say no to her many advances in the beginning and compartmentalized the affair over the next two years, much like he compartmentalized his dad’s drinking.

    Does that make any sense? Or am I trying to work out things with a shitty human being who manipulated me into believing he loves me?

    • Wow reading your comment is exactly mine, I found out August 3rd being 8 months pregnant that was the worst discovery ever. We Married February 6, 2015 on our 12 yr anniversary but the affair went on my whole pregnancy with his best friends girlfriend and only happened 3 times but still the betrayal I cant seem to get past that. I do feel lied to since we married during this time, I feel as if our marriage was based on a lie even though we had 12 yrs together. as for my love and happiness I still cant share with him. Ever since finding out my love has a come to hault. I know it shouldn’t but it has. Our stories are too alike.

  13. I have never in my 12 year marriage, 15 year relationship felt the need to look at my husband’s phone. Last Sunday, for some STRANGE feeling I picked it up. And I read a text to an unknown number that said “Come here this weekend.” There was no reply. My concern? I was going out of town that weekend for 5 days on a girls’ trip. I headed to Facebook and searched the number. I was SHOCKED to find that it was a girl from a town near to us. I confronted my husband, who told me he had been texting this woman for a few months and that it was flirtatious in nature. He said he had never met up with her, that it was never anything physical. I was DEVASTATED. Crushed. There aren’t any words. Two days later I found out that pictures were exchanged, that the texting had been going on for a year and a half and that my husband was the one who initiated it. I have read all of these posts about women who’s husbands actually had sex with another woman. My husband did not, but I feel the EXACT things you are feeling. Every single one of them. I went nuts. I broke shit, I beat him, and I cried in my bed and did not eat for 5 days. My husband said that this woman had been texting him all summer and he had been ignoring her. He said the worst of it was last year, when they sent pictures. I checked our phone records, and he was telling the truth. She was texting him and he was not replying. But last weekend he went on a boys’ trip, and according to him he texted her that “Come here this weekend” off the cuff. He said he had no intention of meeting up with her, but that it was always a conversation starter. He said he hadn’t even spoken to her in months. After doing some research, I found out this woman is NOT attractive at all. She is bigger than I am and just not pretty. That made me feel a little better. He said that it was all fantasy and ideas, not real life. He said it was like porn, and he liked the attention and feeling wanted from these texts. Not something he would ever act on. He immediately deleted his facebook account, and he went as far as changing his phone number the day after I found out. There is NO way for this girl to contact him. He made an appointment for marriage counseling and we went yesterday. The therapist gave us a lot of hope. But I am hurt, and I am PISSED off. I am ashamed and feel like I can’t tell anyone about what is going on. I will say he is 100% committed to making this right, but it doesn’t take away from the hurt at all. I forget for a few hours and then it’s like I just get hit again with the truth. My overall feeling is “I wasn’t enough.” While I was sleeping, he was downstairs sexting someone else. What energy he could have put into our marriage, he was putting into this sick fantasy. I’m just sick. I know that he didn’t physically sleep with another woman, but knowing he took pictures of himself and sent them to another woman just feels horrible. Knowing he looked at pictures from another woman makes me sick. Oh, and yeah, I found this woman’s boyfriend on FB and told him EVERYTHING. He was completely shocked, but said his girlfriend had done this before. Upon going to the therapist, I think he feels really optimistic. I don’t feel that way. I am hurt and don’t know if I can ever trust him again. Frankly, his optimism is pissing me off. He has all these self-realizations and wants to be a better person. I’m thinking, why couldn’t you figure this out on your own? Why did it take me finding out for you to come to this realization? And how long would this have continued had I not found that text? I swear GOD wanted me to look at his phone and read that text. It just sucks. I am THANKFUL for this blog. I feel like I am not alone in all of this.

  14. Hi, I stumbled into your blog as I was looking for articles that will help me recover from my husband’s infidelity. When I read your story, I saw myself in you, every emotion that you felt, the details on how you found out about his cheating and choosing the pain to know the truth and everything that you read in the email.

    The only difference is, my husband never admitted his affair and I have to fly back and forth from the place just to prove him that he cheated before he actually confessed. Another difference is, after I asked him so many questions and decided to start anew, he always get upset whenever I asked him another question about my new discovery. He said he left the past behind and answered my questions and it’s painful for him to go back to the past whenever I ask him questions about his unfaithfulness. But I can’t help it, I love hurting myself just to know the truth.

    My struggle is over a month now, but every morning when i wake up, the wounds are so fresh and I can’t seem to take the pain. I am paranoid and I am hurting so much still. I want to leave him and forget his cheating, but I can’t stand a day without talking to him. I love him so much but as much as I want to have a child with him to win his affection back, I guess I have to wait for God’s time.

    Please tell me how you moved on and get over with his cheating. I need your advise and I need someone to show me how because I am dying deep inside.

  15. I am about to celebrate my 30th wedding anniversary and almost 8 weeks ago, I caught my husband cheating. He tells me he loves me and does not want a divorce and insists it is over, but unlike your husbands, he refuses to discuss his affair , who it was with, or any other details, and he wants me to just move forward. He has shown no remorse, never asked for forgiveness, and has been pretty much unapologetic. Yesterday, he finally admitted that he needs individual and marriage therapy. I have no idea where this will lead. I have been suffering from massive anxiety attacks and have been in therapy since this all blew up. The suffering is, at times, unbearable, and my imagination is running wild. But I am curious to know, with the benefit of hindsight, is it better to know the details or not?

    • To update. My husband made a complete about-turn and wants a divorce. The affair is NOT over. He lied about that. He refuses marital counseling. He had completely disengaged with me. The suffering is at times just unbearable.

    • I wasn’t married, but I was engaged, and my fiance was living with me in my house (I let him move in so we could save money for the wedding – mistake #8). I learned by the hand of God that when I would leave for school in the mornings (he works nights) that he would bring in some girl(s) and they’d spend the mornings together. I even heard him call her “babe.” As far as details, he never offered any, either. In a way, I’m glad, because I’d probably be in jail right now on charges of murder, with evidence. The not knowing drove me nuts for a long time, but now I can say it was a blessing in disguise (very well disguised), because I now know that anyone who refuses to tell STILL HAS SOMETHING TO HIDE. Sure enough, they were still involved (and she was also engaged to someone else!), and I believe they still are. If your husband won’t come 100% clean with you, there’s a reason. Oh, I should add – watch yourself! The little skank my fiance was screwing in my house was putting pesticide in my filtered water. My poor little cat died, and I almost did, too. His plan? Marry me, kill me off, then collect a huge insurance payout. I’m not kidding. Of course, I’m no longer with him, as difficult as it’s been. God is so good, He totally had my back (and still does). I so hope that He helps you, too. =hugs=

      • Thanks, Susan, for your kind words. Since I wrote that post, everything has changed. I figured out who she was and that it has not, in fact, ended. Then, he chose her over me and said he no longer wanted to be married to me. I have never suffered such pain and confusion and fear but am taking it one hour at a time. I am fortunate to have a loving and supportive family and need to find meaning in all this.

      • Dear Betrayed, you are suffering the nightmare we all dread. My husband is going the dreamed of route of self improvement, self blame and all. But here’s my point, frankly, I think he is so basically flawed it makes no real differance except it is easier for me. I want you to feel better knowing this.

  16. I am 62 years old, my husband is 60 and been married 37 years. My husband was laid off from his job February 1st and we decided he would go on the road to work for the last four or five years until we retire.(He builds power plants) This means he is gone two to three weeks at a time. About three weeks ago I had a distinct feeling something was going on. Last weekend I walked into his office while he was on his laptop and as soon as he realized I was there, slammed the lid down and jumped up like he had been shocked. We left the house to go to lunch immediately after that and he chattered away not letting me get a word in edgewise, I think hoping to distract me. I did not say anything about it but now major doubt was planted in my mind. As soon as he flew out that afternoon I started searching emails, texts, anything I could get access to and found nothing. I did get a glimpse of the screen before it was closed and it was a message board of some sort. After thinking about that a couple of days I came to the realization it could be a married dating site. I did a search on the top sites and Ashley Madison was number one. I finally worked up the courage to create a fake profile and within minutes I found him. The things he listed he was interested in just ripped my heart out especially his interest in a short term romantic relationship not just sex. I sent his a text two hours later telling him I knew about the account. I was so shocked I could hardly speak. He called me immediately and told me nothing had happened. He told me this over and over again. The fact remains he created this profile and posted it. He does not deny if there was an opportunity he might have taken it. He is extremely remorseful and has deleted his account but I am at a loss as to how to recover from this and not be an angry woman who constantly doubts and takes pot shots at her husband whenever she can. I don’t think that helps in the restoration of a relationship.

    • You have every right to be angry. It’s HIS responsibility to both initiate and foster restoration in your relationship. He has to own his voluminous error, and he absolutely has to understand its impact on you. Many of these men who either deny one thing or another or apologize profusely after being busted are not really as sorry for what they’ve done (else they would’ve stopped on their own) as they are for being caught. There are natural consequences in this life; the best thing for women like us to is to allow them to happen and not accept any – as in any – of the blame. That way, those who thought they could get away with what they’ve been up to forever will learn something along the way as well. I’m so very, very sorry for your situation.

      • It has now been 3 months and I still have the feeling something is not right. I feel like a complete nutjob because I have no evidence whatsoever and I continually search everything, texts, emails, calls. Will I ever start to trust again?

  17. After 10.5 years of marriage (16.5 together) and two young children, my husband told me one night, after I confronted him, he didn’t love me. I have made his life miserable and ruined it. He left. I asked him if we could work it out, but he didn’t want to try. Then I realized that all the trips to work on a co-workers computer and her son’s x-box were just a cover. Less than a week after he left, he was spending the night with her. Five months after leaving, he still denies he cheated. I don’t believe him for a second. Always puts the blame on me, says I didn’t want to do anything, go anywhere, didn’t want to have sex…my life revolved around the kids. I have cried many tears over this, trying to figure out why. I know I’ll never know why (it’s not because she’s prettier or younger) because he’ll never be honest with me. In fact, he hates me and I feel the same way about him. The worst part is putting the kids through all this and trying to figure out how to move on emotionally. Just when I think I’m strong, my emotions get the best of me. I think most of it is because he has no regrets and doesn’t care how much he has hurt me. I hope one day I can move on past all of this.

    • I hate to write this, but maybe the coworker will get hit by a bus or something. When he comes crawling back to you, spit in his eyes. This was about him, not about anything “wrong” with you, love. He’s a greedy, selfish prick. Who would do that to their family?! The best thing for your children is to explain that sometimes even adults make really bad decisions that sometimes really hurt others deeply, and that daddy made a really bad decision. Really bad. I’m so, so very sorry you’re having to deal with such a horrible situation. What an ass, I’m sorry…if I knew him I’d let him have it.

    • Jenn, One day you will get past all of this. Right now you are, understandably, an emotional wreck. You’ve been together a long time and I know what a shock this was for you. I found out 3 years ago that my husband was having an “emotional” affair with our neighbor. I had caught him in the first year calling her home during the day. He lied his way out of it and said he was calling her husband (who was his friend.) Then 9 years later my daughter (19 years old) caught them on the phone. I totally trusted him. The night I found out was probably the worst night of my life. We had been married 22 years, 2 beautiful daughters. I thought life was great! My husband was a selfish, self-centered, cry-baby who needed this other woman to tell him how right he was and how awful I was. She manipulated him in every way. He still says there was no sex, but my intuition tells me there was. But that night my daughter caught them, she told me. I immediately went down on the computer and started checking the cell phone bills on-line. I still get sick to my stomach when I think about seeing hundreds and hundreds of text messages and phone calls to this woman’s cell phone. I truly was in shock. I wanted to punch both of them in the face! It has taken me 3 years to finally be able to look at him without hatred. He became very remorseful. He told me “the truth”, or as much of it as I think I can get out of him, about what went on (not that I totally believe him.) But he has made progress. He’s working hard, no longer going out with the guys, and hasn’t missed a single Sunday of church in 3 years. I still wonder if/when we will separate.

      However, your husband doesn’t seem to be remorseful at all. So,
      I’d say kick his sorry ass out for good and move on! He will eventually see how good he had it. I worked in divorce court for 30 years and the saying is so true – “If they fool around with you, they’re going to fool around on you.” She’s a homewrecker and he’s a dumbass for believing she will ever be anything but trash!

      Hoping and praying for you!

      • Thank you ladies. I’m very honest with my son (5) about what is going on. My daughter is too young (almost 2) to understand any of it. Someday she will ask and I will tell her the same truth as I tell him. I sometimes wish for bad things to happen to him and/or her, but am reminded of karma and I don’t want my kids to grow up with me. I’m really better off without him, but the “why”…just not sure it will ever go away.

        He left right after it happened, but has done everything he can to make my life difficult. And he does this through the kids. The kids are my world and that is how he gets me; so I try not to let him know this. I don’t hurt for him anymore, as I realized our marriage was over long ago. In fact, he had been cheating on since the month before our daughter was born. What a pig!

        I know time will heal all of this and I know God has a bigger plan for me and my kids!

    • I understand completely. My husband had a 4 month emotional affair with my brothers fiancée. He was apologetic and we tried to make things better as we have 2 teenage children, 3 months later I discovered new messages they had been sending each other. It has destroyed my family, I now don’t speak to my brother and I moved out after the 2nd discovery. It is coming up to the 1 year anniversary of the first discovery and he has no remorse. He is still lying about it. My emotions get the best of me at times also. I am trying to focus on the positive aspects of my life. Both her and my husband know deep down what they have done to me, my brother and our immediate family they are just to damn self involved to admit it. To admit your flaws and mistakes takes an extremely brave person and they are cowards. I believe I can hold my head up high and be proud of what I see in the mirror but they can’t and eventually life will throw them a curve ball and their cowardice will show.

  18. Thank you so much for this post and to everyone else who has also commented. It is nice to not feel so alone, I have found this to be a very isolating experience.
    My story is a little different – I have been married for 6 months to a man I have been in a relationship with for on and off 11 years. Last month he went on a stag weekend, got drunk and had sex with someone else. A one night stand.
    He didn’t tell me but when he came home he was behaving differently, standoffish and quiet. I confronted this and he said I was paranoid. I then found out 2 weeks later (2 weeks ago) that he had kissed this girl, he admitted to this and nothing more. Then a week later I found out it was sex. I am completely devastated, I dream about it every night and wake up in the morning with a tightness and emptiness in my chest. He says he was so drunk that he blacked out and can’t remember much of any of it at all. So all my questions like – who asked who to go back to the hotel? Was she flirting with you and you were drunk and weak or did you proposition her and complement her and kiss and touch her all night on the build up. I can’t have these answered As he claims he can’t remember. Do the answers to these questions even matter? How would I feel if I had the answers? Why do I want to know in the first place?
    The triggers that other have mentioned have been so awful. He is remorseful and sorry and trying to make me feel better but he is also feeling guilty and ashamed of himself. He has never had a one night stand even as a single man.
    I can’t help wondering if anything like this has ever happened before now, he has an issue with not being able to handle his drink so why would this be the first time anything happened?
    The girl knew he was married and was not bothered a jot, I realise it’s his fault not hers but how could someone do that?
    Sigh, I am hoping things get better. At the moment I have one foot out of the door of our marriage.

    • He’s hiding something significant. Any bloke so drunk he “can’t remember anything” is entirely unable to get anything “up onto the table,” so to speak. “Whiskey dick,” I think they call it. You may want to consider opening the door up a bit further so you can get the other foot out and run, else someday you may find that you’ve contracted something incurable. (Oh, she’s just as much to blame.)

      • Thank you for replying, an update though – after not being able to handle not knowing I made contact with the girl. Turns out he didn’t have sex with her but they did kiss and she stayed in his bed in his hotel because she had been locked out of her hostel. He has no recollection of that being the case. She said they kissed then stopped because it was a mistake and she left first thing when hostel reception would be open to let her in the next day.
        I believe that this was a drunken mistake and from how she spoke about the situation she was making the advances on him (of course he should not be so drunk as to get into this situation and I’m not completely overjoyed about all of this). Anyway hopefully I will never have to experience anything like this again but if something else happens I will know it is who he is and leave in an instant. No way I could go through all this again!

  19. I have been married for 24 years. We just recently celebrated our anniversary 2 weeks ago. We also became empty nesters 1 year half ago. At forst things were great and very exciting the things started to change. I could feel things were not right with him. So i did some diggi g….and yes i was right. Had had been texting and calling another woman…..whom i later found out was a coworker of his. He denied wver sleeping with her and said it was only twxting and calls…..but something told me different. I found some searches on his phone looki g for local hotels….so began calling hotels….yes i found one where he had stayed twice..

  20. Oh my goodness, I know exactly how you feel, there is not one moment that passes that i don’t think about how/why my husband cheated on me; even while on the toilet!!! If i had not decided to start my “healingmycheatedheart” blog here I would have never read your story and realize that I am not the only one (even though I knew in my logical mind that I was not the only one, but my ravished mind truly believed I was alone in this), so thank you for sharing!!!

    • Yes yes yes!! Same here! And this blog I started is also my safe place and keeps my head from exploding! Now if I could just find a way for HubsHo to drop me off her radar,I could heal…..fingers crossed

  21. Thank you for sharing. I recently discovered evidence of cheating, but my husband denies everything. Things were also perfect between us, and friends would comment on how they want the same “spark” we have, in their relationships. We have tried counseling but when he does not take any responsibility it is hard to move forward. So here we are, 4 months after “shit hit the fan”, and I am unable to move on. It makes me feel very alone. The cheating came up just after we had a new baby, with health issues. Not sure where to go from here.

    • Leann,my husband also denied any cheating. And I let him keep denying it for 2 WHOLE,YEARS because I wanted so desperately to keep my family in tact and I loved him! Our friends said the same as yours!! As long as he takes no responsibility,and you’re the only one trying,TIME TO KICK HIM TO THE CURB. Not to be cruel,I just don’t want you or any woman to be used and cheated on for longer than you are smart enough to know better. YOU alone can not move the marriage forward. And it’s his loss. You did nothing wrong

  22. It’s been 2 months today since I found out my husband was sexting another woman. They never met up, but exchanged explicit pictures. Does this ever get easier? One minute I’m fine and we are moving forward, and the next I am haunted by the details and it completely ruins my day. The small details of what they said to each other. It is absolutely maddening. We’ve been going to counseling and he owns up to everything and wants to move forward. This is SO hard and he didn’t even sleep with anyone. How are you all surviving?? I’ve never felt so weak in my life.

    • Hi Babs,

      I’m so sorry that you are feeling like this! I am exactly 2 months today! Like you my husband didn’t have sex with anyone but he did kiss and share a bed with another girl when he was steaming drunk on a stag do. He can’t remember what happened and we both thought he had sex with her for a month! Before we spoke to her and got the real story.

      I suppose I identify with you because of the time that has passed and that it’s not an affair like some others but it is still absolutely devastating and trust shattering. You are happily living your life then suddenly you run into a brick wall.

      How did you find out what was going on? Our councillor advised that when a trigger would happen I should use a completely daft code word, so I say “Cecil is here again!” And he then tells me he loves me, I’m beautiful, he’s sorry, tries to make me laugh. It catches it before I turn into a hysterical mess.

      When I’m on my own with nothing much to think about though I drive myself crazy. I hope this makes you feel a little less alone!! I know that it helped me to read your post so thank you so much or sharing xx

    • Babs,what I’m going is solely my opinion. I think maybe the sexting part and exchanging of Xrated pics with this girls only,means that maybe he has some sexual fantasies etc or wants that he hasn’t shared with you.BUT he hasn’t shared them because he has you on a pedestal.Meaning that he thinks he can’t share THOSE things with you because they’re less than classy so to speak and the OTHER chick he doesn’t respect enough to worry. 2. You’re obviously doing something right because while he did RISK loosing you,he wasn’t at all prepared to “trade you in” for another. As for your need to hear the gory details,let that go. You’re better than that and you and hubs can make “details”of your own. Text him something sweet to come home to when he goes to work tomorrow. Not so much X rated but R would be good…Just my thoughts

    • I’m a guy in his mid 20’s and have never physically cheated before but I do admit I have sent inappropriate text messages and even spent time with that female….i could not get myself to get into physical contact bc I have never cheated before ….at the time I was in a long relationship with a very successful and beautiful young lady who would make for a perfect wife and an excellent mother ….i did not reveal to her what I was up to …instead I ended the relationship with her at the time bc I did not want to waste her time ….she was perfect but I was not in a place in my life to settle down and I don’t know if I’ll ever be….i feel that a lot of men feel like I do ….it doesn’t mean we don’t love you any less but we want to experience different things….i know the standard response is going to be that I’m a pig but I’m just being honest….monagomy is not natural in my mind ….I’m not making excuses for all of the cheating men on this board but being open sexually could help all of your situations….I’ve never been in one nor asked a gf to be in one but I have one friend that’s in an open relationship and they are the happiest couple I know ….don’t beat yourself up ladies but guys do this type of thing not bc they don’t love u but bc they need something different sexually…is this a bad thing? I’m no judge and I hope no one judges me for my opinions but this in my opinion is how most of not all men feel and think….take what u want from my comments …i hope they are helpful and not hurtful

      • Read your response anonymous but I have a question if roles where reversed and you where at the receiving end of it all, would you be comforted in the knowledge of your response. I’m glad you know yourself and hopefully by the time you sa “l do” to someone you mean it and are done with all others wc is the hope I know I had at my wedding. The truth is I don’t think I have ever known such pain in my life and I have known pain (we lost a son 9yrs ago) but this was pain on another level. Everything was destroyed I lost my husband, my best friend, my confidant all in one go . It’s the lies, the deception, the knowledge that he has been intimate with someone else, for me it’s knowing that I have been played fro a fool for over a year, just the knowledge that the one I love and trusted would deliberately abuse my trust and noy even consider how much this would hurt me. It’s just selfish and cruel!

    • Hi. It’s been a couple years since your post… I don’t know if anyone will see this now, but I am three weeks past the discovery that my husband has been sex-emailing a coworker (from their work emails no less) for over a year, maybe two. He says no physical affair happened and that this was intermittent. Says it wasn’t about wanting to be with her or even being attracted to her. Says he doesn’t know why he did this, blah blah. But seems sincerely horrified at his behavior and truly sorry. He’s saying and doing the right things and is giving me my space to be angry and figure this out. He’s seeing a therapist now and trying to figure out why he did this and why he thought it’s “harmless” and why he didn’t even bother to think what it meant to the other woman (not that I care about her feelings, but it’s worrisome that HE didn’t either). How are you doing today? I understand that you felt weak. The first week, all I did was imagine our divorce and looked at homes for sale to see where our kids and I would live when I left him. But I haven’t left and I don’t know if I will. It’s a day to day emotional rollercoaster. I’m afraid to leave and afraid to stay. I could go on for hours. I saw a therapist myself twice but didn’t care for that one – need to try someone else maybe.

  23. i am so blessed to have known michaelstealth you are god sent.i really appreciate working with you after you helped me discover my husband was cheating on me and all he asked for was his email and phone number, that way I was able to access all the information I needed .i am not ashamed to tell because i know alot of people need this too. is the best and assured person to run to for anything you need to fish out and any bone you wanna pick.i guaranty you.god bless you sir

  24. Thank you for sharing your painful experience. You write politely, you write in a mater of fact way, you write in a way that doesn’t force healing without placing blame or being hurtful, you speak nicely of your husband and overall, your thoughts are very politely written.

    I believe that if you will make your marriage work, there is no need for abusive language. It’s very pleasant to read which makes it easy to connect the emotions to.

    What we have experienced can only be forgiven…unfortunately never forgotten.

    Best Wishes

  25. It’s 3am and I can’t sleep again it’s been 10 months since my D- day. That’s a bit confusing for me as it’s been 10 months since I first found out. He had been different for months cruel even we both worked to get a gud car so my husband could go to his university which is about 2 hrs drive. I supported him in every way possible through his studies after all he was my husband for 9yrs though we’ve been together for 11yrs. I thot we were solid and focused on our family then it all started to change, the mood swings, the constant arguing, the lack of interest in bed to wch he’d just say I’m tired. I tried role play, sexy dress, even did stuff I was never comfortable doing and yes sometimes I wld get a response but he made me feel like a toilet that he just relieved himself on and the moment it’s over that’s it. To be honest I thot he no longer loved me or he wasn’t attracted to me any longer. My son (3yrs) wanted to watch his surprise toys video and my fone had switched off so I went to get my husbands he looked anxious and tense but gave me the phone anyway. For some reason I went thru contacts and there she was picture and all. I went back and asked him to unlock his messages Coz I needed to text my mum I got a thousand questions and by then I knew in my gut that something was up. I told him he was wasting time as I needed to urgently text something. He opened it and that was it “I miss you, u know it’s u I love” and a thousand more words that still haunt me! I calmly confronted him and he clamped up refusing to speak. I rang my friend to come and get my son coz I felt faint, weak and I jus wanted to cry. I rang the girl and she was kind enough to explain that my husband was not happy and that we have been having problems and he just stays for his sons sake. He denied everything but the girl sent me all the texts and lovely selfies of their bliss. She explained how she broke it off several times but he always begged her to come back. His version even of our wedding was that he had no choice. After long talks with him denying most things he apologised and I forgave him as best as I cld. He cancelled work and we spend the weekend talking and trying to work thru things. I gave him the option to leave if he was not happy. I reassured him he wld still see his son but he begged and reassured me he wanted to stay. After a week I get a call from this girl saying she just wanted to confirm that we were over coz he has been pestering her again she again sent screen shots of their texts and selfies. Weak does not begin to explain how I felt. I rang her back and asked them to talk whilst I listened coz I felt like I was being lied to. They argued a little but he cld’nt answer what he was doing in her bed a few nights back whilst I was working the night shift to pay for his fuel for uni whilst I used public transport (she was in his class at uni). After a while she hung up coz she was crying asking if he was just using her sex? He cld’nt answer. I asked him to leave he did he came back and begged again for weeks on end I took him back mainly coz I felt sorry for him he looked a right state we agreed he cld use the spare room to which he did. We almost got back to normal after a fee months but he started drinking a lot confessed that he was hurting because he saw what he had done to me and didn’t want to do it again but has been thinking about this girl. I told him to follow his heart and go for her but he remains adument that he did not love her he loves me. By this time I’m not even sure when this happened o find out I’m pregnant with my second. I’m speechless but want to be happy coz it’s a miracle gift of life. He is trying but I can’t get past any of it. I’m physically unwell not sure if it’s the pregnancy or just emotions I feel like the world’s biggest fool, like what a laugh I must have been as they did their pillow talk. How stupid was I to buy new clothes for my husband to look good on his dates and take selfies, I supported him financially for all his yrs at uni so he cld fuel up our car to go and bed his mistress. Xmas, New yr all ruined because all I can think off is what he did and I simply can’t believe after all that that one shld utter words of love how do u do that to someone u love? Thank u for all your stories sorry mine had to be so long I really have noone I can speak to. My husband just thinks I need to get over it because he is trying his best to show me he wants to be here with me.

  26. Hi again well its been now over 2 years since my husband stopped seeing the other woman, but it still hurts I still don’t trust him although he has been faithful and attentive I keep waiting for him to cheat again because I never thought he would cheat before but when the opportunity came he took it so what will stop him doing it again 😦

    • It’s been 6 months for me. As I read all these comments I wonder “where are the good guys” !?! I thought I had one. 23 years into our marriage I found texts. He was traveling back and forth from a job out of state so “hiding” the affair was easy because she was there and I was here. It went on for 1 1/2 she was the ex wife’s of f someone we both knew. When I found out – solid proof and an admission and begging for my forgiveness. I left for a week he begged me to forgive or try to save our marriage. He said he would own up to it to our families and closest friends so they knew what an ass he had been. All that sounded good but I still cannot get passed how he called me every morning when out and f town and told me he loved and missed me and we had great sex on the weekends he was home. I can’t get past that part more than the sex part. It’s sociopathic behavior and I now question his mental stability. I could not do that to someone without major guilt and anxiety. I’m struggling everyday to find a reading to stay. This Apri is our 25th anniversary. It’s just sad!!

      • Same here. Great life, great weekends, lunch time “I Love You” texts( from her car park) to me.
        Not a responsible loving person, just a bundle of neuroses and needs. Narcissistic sex addict. I think he doesn’t love anyone.
        Understanding and forgiving him was easy. He is sad person. I was his only true friend. But liking him is harder now.

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