My story: How I discovered my husband’s affair

story

I discovered the truth on Septemer 22, 2012. I guess the truth had been haunting me despite a happy marriage and three amazing children… there was something wrong. Funny thing is, I thought I was unhappy with my job or something. No idea that the root of my unhappiness, discontent and insecurity was stemming from my seemingly perfect marriage.

But there I was at 2 a.m. going through his emails trying to find something. And then I saw the email to her that read:

I miss you……

Why would he tell another woman he missed her? And why did he email her a photo of my children? And why was her comment that it wasn’t like the other photos they had been sharing? And why was there no other photos in his email to or from her? My heart was pounding and my body was shaking. And then I found it. A sexual photo downloaded from Tumblr and emailed to another account. An account I didn’t recognize. It took less than two minutes to hack into the account and as my computer screen refreshed I prayed that all I would find was a collection of erotic photos. But it wasn’t. I found 73 pages of emails from her to my husband detailing a year long affair. I wanted to scream but it was the middle of the night. My husband was away for the weekend  with one of our kids. I couldn’t even scream at him.

I sobbed in my bed alone wondering how and why we got to this point.

I knew I shouldn’t torture myself with the emails but I began to read through them. Her messages to him were mostly sexual, describing their encounters detail by detail. I skipped through the emails picking dates that had meaning to me–did he write her on my birthday? our anniversary? valentine’s day? Was he responding to her or initiating the emails? How did this begin without me noticing? Was I blind? Was I that far removed from my husband’s life?

tears

The questions flooded my brain. The pain of what he had done was overwhelming. I physically got sick. I couldn’t sleep. I kept going back to the emails.

Did he want our marriage to end? Did he ever love me? I’d never felt pain like this. Ever. It was straight to my core.

I loved this man. I gave him everything. I loved him dearly and we discussed our love as though it were unique, something everyone wants but not everyone receives. So how could a man that looked me in the eyes and say he would never risk losing me enter into a year long affair?

I knew who she was too. She was removed from me but I met her once and didn’t care for her. The first time he ever told me about her I didn’t like the way he seemed to idolize her–saying that she was amazing at her job when I couldn’t hear anything remarkable in his comments. I told him too. It’s only now that I know that when I told him I didn’t like the way he seemed to talk about her that he decided not to talk about her to me from then on. Funny thing, she was barely his friend at that point. But once he decided to continue that relationship purposefully behind my back, it became an affair. He still denies that was the turning point in the relationship. Trying to believe he was just being a friend to her as she ended her marriage. He says he wasn’t attracted to her. Claims he didn’t find her sexually appealing. Yet when she started making passes at him through email, that was when he suggested opening private email accounts. About a month after the private email accounts were opened he had sex with her.

I struggle with how many details I want to know. Once you know something, you can’t un-know it. He says she invited him over to her house to help with some “work” stuff. She didn’t work at his office but she kept inserting herself into his business. He says she kissed him that day. He kissed her back. Then two weeks later he drove back to her house in the middle of his work day and they had sex. This continued almost on a weekly basis until the day I found the emails.

So here I am 35 days later. We are still married, living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed and we are still in love. When I confronted him, he acknowledged everything. At first, he tried to defend himself by saying our sex life had dwindled. Then he tried to say that I am the love of his life but he doesn’t think he is the love of my life. Then he tried to say that I never initiate sex or go down on him. All of this was displacing the blame and he has since realized that this was HIS choice and it wasn’t about me.

It took him a full day to break down. I think he realized that he risked our marriage, his relationship with his children, his job and everything that is meaningful in his life for a woman that he doesn’t even care to see again. When I told him that if she wasn’t 100% out of his life then I was going to be–he didn’t bat an eye. He said he was relieved. He said he tried to end it twice. I don’t know if that is supposed to make me feel better or not? He says he slept with her for her needs, not because he wanted to. He was trying to be a friend to her as she went through a bad time in her life. Wow. Not to lighten the mood–but have I been a bad friend because I haven’t been sleeping with all my friends going through tough times?

He begged me to forgive him and said he would do anything. I believe him. I’m not saying that I trust him again. But I believed him when he said he loved me.

We’ve spent every night for the past 35 days talking. Talking through the pain, tears, anger and fears. He takes responsibility for his decisions and actions but he struggles with how he even let himself sink that low. He was self-destructing and he failed to recognize that the real devastation was to me, his wife. He may live with the guilt, but I live with the pain, the endless images in my mind, the triggers that catch you off-guard and the sadness that fills my heart. I can’t sit on the toilet without thinking: my husband cheated on me.

I guess I am writing this blog because I want to know why he did it. Honestly, we had (have) not just a good marriage–a great marriage. We are that couple that our family and friends try to emulate. We have amazing children–because we invest time and love into them together. We talked. We made love. We got along with each other’s families. We went on vacations. We supported each other through really tough times. Yes, we had our moments but we were thankful for each other. When we heard of people divorcing we acknowledged how lucky we were to be married to our soul mate. So why did he doubt my love? Because he wasn’t getting bj’s or laid enough? Because I went back to work? What makes a person risk a life they built with their true love for someone that is meaningless? How did he allow it to continue for a year? How did he live with the guilt? How did he look me or his kids in the eye? How did he tell our kids to surround themselves with honest and good-intentioned people if he was not doing the same? Why was his need to make her feel better more important than our marriage vows?

I am hoping these questions will be answered here.

In the end, I love him. That’s all I know right now.

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477 thoughts on “My story: How I discovered my husband’s affair

  1. Thank you for sharing your story. I am in the first month of discovery and the crazy roller coaster of emotions. I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate the thoughtfullness of your words. I especially enjoy your Infidelity Trax and would add Landslide by Fleetwood Mac.
    Thank you again for being strong, for sharing and for giving me hope.

  2. I just found out that my husband was having an affair 2 weeks ago. He sat me down and told me. It was a month long that started with a co-worker that lives thousands of miles away. The thought that a friendly conversation on a phone could turn in to what it did tears me up.

    Your story resonates so loudly with me… we were the couple everyone looked up to, the couple that others sought advice on how to make their marriage strong. It took my husband 5 days, after telling me that he had phone sex with her, to realize that he just had a month long affair. He kept referring to it as “just fantasy”. He did not see the lies, secrecy and sexual nature as an affair.

    I wanted to see proof, to read texts, to see photos. There is nothing to see. His employer has an app that you talk, text, and send things through. There is very little on his phone, he erased the little that was there. Would seeing it make it better? I have a timeline that I have constructed, but it feels incomplete. I wanted to be able to see what I had been doing when this was all going on. Was I Christmas shopping? Would this help me process things better? knowing what was said? I know if I asked he would tell me but I am at the point where I am sick of being sad and sick of crying.

    I spent the first 10 days not able to sleep. I was waking with questions after 2 hours of sleep and then I would just spin the rest of the day. We are working on things but the pain it causes me is excruciating. The thoughts and questions that wake me up during the night are subsiding but they are relentless. I think I am most devastated by the fact this occurred over the holiday season.

    Our first counseling appointment is still 2 weeks away and I wonder how am I going to make it?!?

    • I spent many hours focused on how little conversations and meaningless emails grew into an affair. It takes two willing people to begin an affair and I spent too much time angry and upset thinking about how it all began. I can relate to everything you wrote… sleeping, thoughts, trust…everything. Take care of yourself. I hope your therapy session went/goes well. For me, that was a moment when I realize that we could conquer this and get through it. I needed a neutral third-party to hear my story, weigh-in, and tell me that there was hope (or not) before I made any decisions.

  3. A year ago I started to feel suspicious of my husbands friendship with out wild and crazy neighbor. My husband had lost his job and was spending his days at home usually on the computer. To ease my mind; because I never truly thought I would discover anything, I purchased a digital recorder and placed it under the computer desk before I went to work. (I felt guilty for doing this). After a few days of listening to his day he finally came home one morning after dropping off our daughters at school. At first I thought he was talking to me on the phone when I heard him say “I love you too baby” but then to my horror I realized it was not me he was talking too. I listened to the rest of the day he talks to her several times, tells her about his day, talks about me and our children like it is all normal and she is just a happy addition to our family. Each time the conversations end he says love you too. I confronted him that Friday on Valentine’s day 2014. It started out such a good day! The day before he snuck a rose and candy into my car and then on Valentine’s sent me a large bouquet and brought me lunch to work. When I returned home from work I listened to the recordings then took him in the bedroom and calmly asked “is there anything you need to tell me about you and “whores” relationship. He said no firmly and with a straight face. I then put the recorder in front of him and said “I heard you tell her you love her today” . He hung his head and said alright it’s true I have been sleeping with her. I sat on the bed and said “so your in love with her now”? He immediately denied it. Said it was just sex.

  4. I’m just reading this as I’m new to your blog. I’m grateful it’s here. Makes it easier to know I’m not the only one who wanted to believe. Thanks and I hope you will see in my page how this mess started

  5. Its been a year since I discovered my husband’s affair. Doom’s day was on 1 April. At first when my neighbour’s sister confirmed that when my husband didn’t spend the night at home he was with another woman I thought it was a bad April fool’s joke.

    I’d asked her to investigate for me because my husband had slept out one day and claimed to have spent the night at his cousins place but it turned out he’d spent the night at a house across the road from my neighbour’s sister. His friend shared the place with other people and it turned out he’d hooked my husband up with a divorced lady with two kids who stayed there.

    My heart shattered when It was confirmed that my husband was having an affair. I confronted the other woman that very day and she confessed to everything. The affair had gone on for three weeks then .Funny thing is she had seen me with my husband and child one day at the shopping mall so she knew he was married before the affair even went far.

    The affair went on for three months after D-day. Anyway ,I’m still trying to heal but the memories never fade. I get nervous everytime my husband gets a phone call or when I see him chatting on whatsapp. Its hard to ever fully trust again. Everytime I see a woman who looks almost like the other woman or dresses the way she does the memories come back.

    We never went for counseling and my husband thinks I should just forget it ever happened so we can move on with our lives. It aint easy.I get nightmares almost every night about that affair. Nothing will ever be the same

    • The problem is you can’t just forget this. It’s a traumatic experience and most women will agree with me that many of us suffer from PTSD. The triggers will hit you without warning, the fear, the emotional rollercoaster. I am 2 1/2 years from my D-day and I cannot forget. I don’t know if I think about my husband’s affair every day but it’s still there in my thoughts all the time. The pain associated with those triggers is no longer there for me but it took almost two years to get to that point. It’s very hard to trust again. The only thing that makes it easier is having support and going through the pain, the crap, the tears, screaming, and everything together as a couple. I truly feel like we had to hit the lowest lows to be where we are today.

      • To be honest, he thinks I’m over it or expects me to just get over it and move on just like that. I try to put up a happy face but at times I feel a deep empty hole inside. I ask myself time and again how this happened to me. Sometimes I even ask myself if staying was a good decision. He does try at times to make me feel secure and loved but nothing can ever take the pain or the memories away.My faith is the only real thing that helps keep everything together.

  6. Because he was bored.
    Bored of routine, bored.
    He loves his family more, he loves you, more.
    But he had an affair because of lack of sex and excitment in his relationship with you.
    Do you have hobbies? Do you work?

    No guilt because sex is not more important then his marriage with you.

    • I like your point that sex wasn’t as important as marriage, really do BUT
      Uh oh, don’t dare suggest it was the spouse being boring!
      That’s no excuse to betray someone.
      But it also isn’t the reason.
      He may have been bored or over stressed, resentful of her vivacious, rewarding life (not boring) or not have any moral fibre.
      It was his problem to solve honestly with her., not an interloper.

  7. I just want to say thank you so much for sharing your story and posting about your affair recovery. Like many others here, I found your blog thanks to Google after my own D-Day. I just found out a little over a month ago about my husband’s affair, but I had suspected something has been “off” for about a year and a half. I was so deeply entrenched in my own denial, that I ignored all the obvious signs telling myself that I was crazy, and that my anxiety was getting the best of me. Your blog gives me just enough hope to get me through the day sometimes.

    My husband and I have been together for 11 years, and married for 5. I too, thought we were invincible. We used to think we were so much better than other couples, and there was NO doubt in my mind that we would grow old together. There wasn’t even a question about it… but I noticed my husband growing distant over the past year and a half. He was on his phone constantly; literally every second of our time together during this time he spent looking at websites (and now I know better–text messages) on his phone. I even not-so-jokingly told him he must have an addiction to his phone last summer. Boy, if I only knew…

    And then in April he lost his job… and he came clean. This wasn’t just some tryst, but he was carrying on a full-fledged relationship with a girl much younger than he and I. During this time we had our 3rd child–our only son. I also came to find out that even on the day that our son was born, he spent the entire time I was in the recovery room from my C-Section on the phone with her. In fact, he talked to her 3 times that day– EVERY.SINGLE. TIME. he left the hospital, he was talking to HER. This will forever taint my son’s birthday, and it breaks my heart.

    He’s also trying to salvage our marriage. He acts remorseful; he’s broken down in a way I never seen him break down before. We’re trying to move forward, but it’s hard. This blog helps, and I’m trying to start my own blog because writing helps me to sort out my feelings, not to mention I don’t have much of a support system. Nobody else knows about it, and it’s comforting to know that I’m not alone in this awful journey. Sometimes I think to myself that I’ll never get over this, that this will absolutely define my entire life. Reading your blog gives me hope that maybe one day I’ll find some sort of happiness…

    • I am glad that my story is helping you. Reading just this small piece of your story, I feel as though I understand how you feel, what you are going through, and the struggle.
      I wish that your son’s birthday was not tainted and I understand. I get it. But I hope that for you there will be a day when you don’t think about the betrayal and you can just feel the happiness. But I know for me, all of this is easier said than done at times.
      I hope you find support here…

  8. I went through the same thing. Just found out a week ago that my man cheated on me after 18 years of marriage and having 2 teenage sons. Have been feeling suspicious for 2 months. He has been busy chatting most of the time at home. No time for the family…not even grocery or family day. Life has been very miserable. He goes out on weekends and occasionally on weekdays at night on his own. Every time whenever I get near to him, he would just immediately screen out his mobile. He keeps his mobile with him all the time…locked with password. For the first time in 18 years he seems to be a total stranger to me. I have devoted my love, youth and care for him but this is what I get in return. When I confronted him, he denied about it and told me that it is none of my business. I wanted to give up on him but he promised me that he will cut off ties with her. I am still here after a week but just today he is back on chatting with her early in the morning…screenout mobile again when I am at his back. Wonder if I should carry on like this? Life sucks!

    • It sounds like you are pretty certain but he will not come clean. Try to find a time that you can talk alone together. Ask him how he feels about your marriage, your relationship, and what he wishes could be improved. Be honest with him without accusing. It’s hard to be on this side – where you know something is wrong but you don’t have certainty. You need some answers because you cannot live in this state forever.

    • I am sorry to hear this. It is truly truly the worse and devastating thing another spouse can find out. I don’t understand why the cheating spouse just don”t leave. I wanted my husband to just make a choice and leave if he was going to continue to talk to her. He didn’t For me, I went thru pain and hell for an entire year and half. After I found out about the affair, he kept making promises it was over but a week or few weeks later I would find out he was still talking to her and seeing her. This when on for an entire year and what really hurt was for 9 months out of that year I was pregnant with our baby girl . He didn’t care nor did she. It continued literally til the day my baby girl was born. I am still in this marriage and my emotional state is a lot better. But I still have my triggers and PTSD from the affair. It changes you. As for my marriage, I love my husband and I am pretty sure the affair is over and one with. But it will take a loooooooong time to build that trust with him. With constant prayer, and faith and remembering that God loves my husband unconditionally and the same grace and forgiveness that God gives me everyday for the things I mess up on. I have learned and continue to learn to give that unconditional love, forgiveness and grace to my husband. And through the eyes of God I love my husband and continue in this marriage with our healthy, beautiful 3 children. God is good! I work on myself daily.

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