I struggle with the idea that I have to let go of the marriage we had pre-affair. It’s hard to think that I’ve been married to my best friend and love of my life for almost 12 years and those years have been nullified by his actions. In twelve years we’ve had three children, lost jobs, celebrated weddings with our closest friends, lost relatives and bought our first home… and now it’s all part of a past life. How do I let go of the times I carry so closely in my heart? The moment I held my newborn baby and my husband held us both next to him. The vacations where we brought happiness to not just our own faces but pure joy to the kids. Was it all for nothing?
Was our happiness a facade? I struggle with wondering if there was something I could have done or said to stop this from happening. I hate that this is now part of our love story. There is a permanet scar on our marriage. I feel like I wasn’t given a chance to prevent it. Or maybe I was but I was too blind to see it. Was my husband so unhappy with our life that he had to escape into her arms? Did she make him feel better about himself? Did she make him happy? He thought so at the time. But how come he says he was never as happy with her as with me but he still chose to be with her? How come he says nothing with her was better or as meaningful but still he got in his car and drove to her house each time. He wrote the emails and the words: I love you. At first he believed he did love her but now he says it was just words he said to make her feel better. What about me? I thought he vowed to be there for me? I thought he vowed to keep my happiness and our love sacred. Why did our marriage vows become secondary to making her happy? A woman he doesn’t even care to see again.
These questions and thoughts keep haunting me. Paralyzing me.