The questions

I struggle with the idea that I have to let go of the marriage we had pre-affair. It’s hard to think that I’ve been married to my best friend and love of my life for almost 12 years and those years have been nullified by his actions. In twelve years we’ve had three children, lost jobs, celebrated weddings with our closest friends, lost relatives and bought our first home… and now it’s all part of a past life. How do I let go of the times I carry so closely in my heart? The moment I held my newborn baby and my husband held us both next to him. The vacations where we brought happiness to not just our own faces but pure joy to the kids. Was it all for nothing?

Was our happiness a facade? I struggle with wondering if there was something I could have done or said to stop this from happening. I hate that this is now part of our love story. There is a permanet scar on our marriage. I feel like I wasn’t given a  chance to prevent it. Or maybe I was but I was too blind to see it. Was my husband so unhappy with our life that he had to escape into her arms? Did she make him feel better about himself? Did she make him happy? He thought so at the time. But how come he says he was never as happy with her as with me but he still chose to be with her? How come he says nothing with her was better or as meaningful but still he got in his car and drove to her house each time. He wrote the emails and the words: I love you. At first he believed he did love her but now he says it was just words he said to make her feel better. What about me? I thought he vowed to be there for me? I thought he vowed to keep my happiness and our love sacred. Why did our marriage vows become secondary to making her happy? A woman he doesn’t even care to see again.

These questions and thoughts keep haunting me. Paralyzing me.


21 thoughts on “The questions

  1. It’s been a while since you posted this. Has your H truthfully answered at least some of your questions?

    • It’s been awhile since I’ve looked at this post–so your reply prompted me to reread this post. Yes, my husband has been either answering or trying to answer all these questions (and more). What I have learned is that my husband wasn’t unhappy with our marriage, life, etc… His AP gave him attention and it felt good because he didn’t feel good about himself. He didn’t tell her about his insecurities. He wanted to help her, make her feel good… but he never wanted an affair. He thought it would just be a meaningless friendship with a woman who was getting over the end of her marriage. He put himself in a bad position too many times. He was vulnerable and she was aware of that. I am doing much better.

  2. Absolutely the same story with me, according to me they all have a pattern
    I still feel bad about the fact that my husbamd cheated on me.

    • It seems to be a common thread with affairs and wayward spouses–they take on the same characteristics and patterns. I don’t know your story but I can understand how you feel. I hope you are having more good days than bad.

      • My story ours was college romance we knew each other for 6 years before v got married v lived together for 3 years though v loved each other a lot v always fought bec he wasn’t happy living togethher not v common in our society. After marriage v had certain monetry related issues giving parents money etc.after a year of marriage I go home when I come back there is a diff him for nearly 4 months v didn’t have sex all throughout the 4 months v had bad fights days of not talking that was wierd bec v never did that. I guessed something was wrong but then u give so much in a relation ship that u feel its ur mistake and v are being suspicious for no reason. This woman used to live opp to our apartment n was a collegue. She used to meet us and it used to be v normal the entire office knew she had a crush on my husband by the way me n my husband used to work for the same firm,during those days their shift timings were same I guess they got closer then. Two of my collegues came to me and told me that there seems to be something wrong with my husband bec he is in constant touch over the phone with her and they seem to be v close that’s when I asked him as usual he cried n said it was just a crush nothing happened between them n they just spoke to each other over the phone for hours. I felt really bad because I used to speak to my husband for hours before marriage. I just felt cheated I was always v sure that nothing could come between us this devastated me. Only then I started filling the gaps her coming home being friendly with me inviting us home etc, its been 3 years of this incident – also have a 2 year old kid now but I don seem to forget all this that trust that I had with him I don’t hav it any more I do love him though but not that mad deep love some where that is also lost. I asked him many questions whether he slept woith her or kissed he sasid they did nothing apart from talking to each other. Initially he blamed me stating that I was the reson bec I was selfish didn’t give money to his people( there is a long story ) etc etc but that hurt me a lot just bec that u put a 8 year relationship in the drain? I feel a little empty inside after this incident am much better now though. Earlier every day I used to hav these thioughts now its just some times 🙂 I used to go thru his phones emails etc but now I don’t if fate wants him to love some body else I can’t help it. Iam an independent working woman I hav told him the next time I get to hear this I will leave him. He says he loves me and has been v good to me and takes care of me but I had loved this man with all my heart sacrified a lot so it does hurt when I think about it this has left a gap in our relatipn ship from my end he seems to be fine guess all men r like that. I just want to move on with my life and give the best to my child.

      • Through your entire story you really sound like a strong and confident woman. Your child is very fortunate to have you as a mother. I am sorry that you feel like the passion in your love has been lost through his relationship with this woman…. I hope that he can earn your trust back and you can respect him again. This journey is difficult but we will all make it through stronger than before.

    • What are your thoughts about emotional affairs. Everything you posted is exactly how our marriage was. I feel the marriage before the affair is the past and what we now have could be better but I can’t stop thinking about the betrayal.

      • Although I don’t know if it would feel any different–I think emotional affairs must be dealt with the same way as physical ones. I would want to know why and how the emotional bond was established and developed. I am sure it is very similar to other affairs.

      • Im in the same situation. Except mine still works with the other woman. She has to communicate with him via phone/text. Hes very open about the messages and calls. Im just having a really hard time getting past it. I started this week seeing a therapist and she recommended us doing couple therapy. I feel like its so hard on me because i saw my mother do this to my dad several times and saw all the ways she tried to hide it.

  3. I could have written this word for word, although our stories are very different, It makes me very sad but also strangely comforted to know I’m not alone in how I think and feel. It helps to read your blog and know I’m not the only one who has chosen to stay and fight for my marriage. I hope to find the strength you have, you’re an inspiration x

  4. I found out oct 31 2013, I was looking for a missing flat in my closet, our closet. I was on my hands and knees, looking under the clothes hanging from rod………..I pulled his pants to the left, sweeping them back feeling with my hand – looking back behind them, I let them go. They swung back into to place – rustling and I heard a clink. I thought it was a button. I swept my hand underneath, and hit something sending it rattling along the wooden floor. And there lie a ring, green stone – silver – not mine. It fell from his pants. I had just hung up his kaki dress pants that had been hanging on the back of the door for 1-2 weeks. Not my ring, never saw it before. I was confused. I looked at it – it was too big for me………..
    It was October 31, 2013. 24 years – together. I confronted him as tricker treaters knocked on the door and in-between the interruptions I tried to talk calmly – he denied knowing where it came from – still does- but hasn’t left my side for the past year, professes his love, waits on me hand and foot, loves me sweetly – and yet I can not let that moment go.

    • Wow… he has never told you how that ring made it into his pocket? Maybe you are better for not knowing… as long as if there was something it ended and he understands the depth of the pain you feel. I wish you all the best.

  5. Your questions are my questions- so many similarities,- how could he bring me flowers, the same day he was telling someone else he loved them? How could I look at pictures of us together during that time and not see anything but a happy loving couple. He said he knows it was such a horrible mistake, but mistakes end in a day, not a year… so tough to rationalize…

  6. How do I deal with knowing he had an affair by evidence of perfume, hotel bills ..etc .. and he won’t admit to it. I can’t seem to get to the truth. I’m frustrated and no longer trust . I’m stuck in this awful place.

    • I think it’s hard for a spouse to come clean on an affair unless they are caught red handed or the guilt is too much. I don’t know how you get a man to admit an affair. My husband would not until I found the emails which was proof of everything.

      • Liz I know you must be feeling awful.. But dear don’t put yourself into so much misery.. You live your life and don’t put yourself in so much sadness.. Confront him with the details if he still denies I think you need to let him know ur not a door mat.. Find a life for yourself.. Live your life..

  7. I’ve found your blog today, 16 days after the discovery of my husbands four month affair. We had a great marriage, we too were one of “those” couples that had journeyed through so much and were so strong and happy, even he says so.
    So much of what you have written already could be my story – why would he give up something so precious for someone he says he will happily never see again?
    I look forward to reading more, and hopefully finding some hope in the despair I’m currently stuck in.

    • I think I asked myself that question over a thousand times: Why would he risk it all for someone who means nothing in the end? I don’t know if I have the answer yet but I don’t think it’s something that is truly weighed during the decision making process. I think there’s a lot of disillusion surround affairs. We write our stories the way we want to remember them. We justify our behaviors so that we can satisfy our immediate desires. I am still thinking about this one… maybe a future post?

  8. Constant questions…continue die it ever stop? I have done the same thing when u felt like something was wrong I would wake him up in the middle of the night and question him. He told me that things trickle down when I start to question him it takes him back to where he didn’t want to be. He asked me today to hit the reset button. I try everything in my will powe to not question but it is so hard.

  9. I had same feelings still do my husband had a two month affair when I found out swears no sex was involved. Problem is this women still works were he does and she stalks him and try’s whatever she can to get with him I think I torture my self because I still have some emails and and read them it has been almost two years we have two grown children but it seems some days I can’t get past it he has betrayed my trust and I am still having hard time with still have bad dreams that I am catching them together it is horrible I do not trust this women when I confronted her as well told me she loves him and that I have to give her time are you serious I don’t have to give her anything I still say she is a little mental how she goes out of her way to get his attention and the way she flaunts her self . We have blocked her from everything and it is driving her crazy that he does not acknowledge her I went as far to tell him to watch his back I know for a fact because I have seen her sitting outside my house really quite unsettling have contacted police but until she does something only thing thy can do is tell her to leave I would like to contact his work but don’t want him to lose his job I will only take so much.

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