Last night I got angry. I was looking at a photo on Pinterest and it triggered me. My husband was laying next to me in our bed and I berated him with questions and thoughts. Questions about why did he have sex with her in a certain way? Why did he feel like she was his friend when she was tearing him apart? Why didn’t he ever come to me? Why did her attention feel so good and he didn’t care about mine? Or even see what I did or felt for him anymore. Why did he immediately keep their friendship from me because I made a negative comment when he first brought her up to me? Did he already know he was going to go down this path? He says no–she just needed a friend. If he was happy with our marriage and didn’t want to change our marriage–why would he even allow this “friendship” to begin?
It pains my heart. I feel broken. I feel angry and a sadness like I’ve never felt before.
How does an affair begin? When did it go from friendship to affair? And why did he feel like if he didn’t give in to her sexual advances he would lose her friendship? I asked him how he believed she was even his friend if that was the case?
At this point (five weeks) he does not have the answers. He wants to believe that it wasn’t about the sex because it wasn’t worth it. For awhile he thought it was emotional but now he sees that he wasn’t invested in her or her well-being. He says it was “built to end” and that kills me. He says he never knew if it would last another day and I feel like that means that means there was both hope and fear of what he was doing. He says the sex wasn’t good and he didn’t want it–but he did it. Not only did he have sex with her, he introduced her to elements of our sexual repertoire. Things that we only did with and to each other. Things that I held as special. He says he didn’t like the taste of her and had to imagine me to orgasm. I want to believe it but there is no way to know. He says being with her didn’t make him want me less–but, yet he didn’t initiate sex as much. And sometimes when we were intimate he would only go down on me. We didn’t have intercourse and I was really troubled by this but I am mad that I never voiced that to him. Maybe I was fearful of what his answer would be. Maybe I was afraid he didn’t want me anymore. Maybe I was afraid that age was catching up to his libido. Maybe I was afraid he was having an affair.
So at the end of my anger he lies there on the bed in utter sadness. With his head nestled into a pillow and a look that makes my heart break. So what am I supposed to do? Let him wallow in this sadness and pain? Allow him to sink deeper? Or am I supposed to love him and let him know that I am not walking away? So I held him and he held me tight. And I could feel his pain so deeply. It hurt me. As much as he’s hurt me I feel like I can’t see him like this. After I held him for an hour I coerced him into making love to me.
Maybe I shouldn’t want to make love to him, but I do. I want to feel him inside me and close to my body. I want him to never question my passion and love. But here I sit questioning the intentions of his infidelity…..