Irony

Last night I got angry. I was looking at a photo on Pinterest and it triggered me. My husband was laying next to me in our bed and I berated him with questions and thoughts. Questions about why did he have sex with her in a certain way? Why did he feel like she was his friend when she was tearing him apart? Why didn’t he ever come to me? Why did her attention feel so good and he didn’t care about mine? Or even see what I did or felt for him anymore. Why did he immediately keep their friendship from me because I made a negative comment when he first brought her up to me? Did he already know he was going to go down this path? He says no–she just needed a friend. If he was happy with our marriage and didn’t want to change our marriage–why would he even allow this “friendship” to begin?

It pains my heart. I feel broken. I feel angry and a sadness like I’ve never felt before.

How does an affair begin? When did it go from friendship to affair? And why did he feel like if he didn’t give in to her sexual advances he would lose her friendship? I asked him how he believed she was even his friend if that was the case?

At this point (five weeks) he does not have the answers. He wants to believe that it wasn’t about the sex because it wasn’t worth it. For awhile he thought it was emotional but now he sees that he wasn’t invested in her or her well-being.  He says it was “built to end” and that kills me. He says he never knew if it would last another day and I feel like that means that means there was both hope and fear of what he was doing. He says the sex wasn’t good and he didn’t want it–but he did it. Not only did he have sex with her, he introduced her to elements of our sexual repertoire. Things that we only did with and to each other. Things that I held as special. He says he didn’t like the taste of her and had to imagine me to orgasm. I want to believe it but there is no way to know. He says being with her didn’t make him want me less–but, yet he didn’t initiate sex as much. And sometimes when we were intimate he would only go down on me. We didn’t have intercourse and I was really troubled by this but I am mad that I never voiced that to him. Maybe I was fearful of what his answer would be. Maybe I was afraid he didn’t want me anymore. Maybe I was afraid that age was catching up to his libido. Maybe I was afraid he was having an affair.

So at the end of my anger he lies there on the bed in utter sadness. With his head nestled into a pillow and a look that makes my heart break. So what am I supposed to do? Let him wallow in this sadness and pain? Allow him to sink deeper? Or am I supposed to love him and let him know that I am not walking away? So I held him and he held me tight. And I could feel his pain so deeply. It hurt me. As much as he’s hurt me I feel like I can’t see him like this. After I held him for an hour I coerced him into making love to me.

Maybe I shouldn’t want to make love to him, but I do. I want to feel him inside me and close to my body. I want him to never question my passion and love. But here I sit questioning the intentions of his infidelity…..

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11 thoughts on “Irony

  1. Let him wallow. Let him feel sad. You suffered. He took something from you. Pain, yours and his, is the consequence, the punishment. He, like you, has to live with it. Maybe next time he’ll think twice.

  2. I agree with emilylonging. This is his cross to bear. Let him. I also find it ridiculous in reading this blog and others that the cheating spouse always says the sex wasn’t good, they really didn’t want to do it, they felt like they had to, their AP wasn’t that pretty, they were boring, etc.I think it’s important to be REAL. (And why would anyone waste their time with such a creature?). People have affairs because it feels good

    Ever try to get your hubby to take out the garbage if he really doesn’t want to? He’ll fight you tooth and nail! And that’s just a walk to the end of the driveway – it doesn’t require taking off your close and putting a very private part of yourself in someone else’s very private part. I think what he’s saying is coming from a loving place (not wanting to hurt you further) but this is ridiculous.

    • I think the sex with his AP was ok–not mind blowing, not earth-shattering. If it was horrid and disgusting–why would he go back? Right? But it wasn’t the sex that he needed–it was the feeling that someone desired him because he felt like his career was not what he expected at 45. My husband was suffering from depression and low self-esteem and he put himself in a relationship with a woman that was removed from reality. She never knew he was unemployed for over a year, that he took the job he was in to keep his family out of financial crisis, that his wife took a job full-time to support the family when he was unemployed. I think the thing you are missing is that a mentally healthy person does not always find pleasure in their vices… I have a family member that is an alcoholic and he didn’t enjoy drinking when he fell off the wagon–it allowed him to avoid feeling and dealing his own fear of mortality.

      I don’t think he’s avoiding hurting me–the damage has already been done. The truth is he told her he wasn’t attracted to her (I have the email); he told her she wasn’t his type (I have the email) and he told her that having sex was going to ruin the friendship they had (once again, email). People have affairs because the attention and adoration feel good–not always because of the sex.

      This is obviously my husband’s cross to bear–no matter what happens between the two of us.

      • I understand more now what you are saying. That it wasn’t about the sex at all – it was about the attention. I guess I’m still (after 12 months) unable to grasp why men want to hear how wonderful they are from someone who has no idea WHO they are. And because of that, what the AP is saying just isn’t true. And the cheater is okay with that. And the AP thinks a man who has no concern for the people in his life who love him most – warts and all – is a great guy. I guess I could never be a successful other woman. I’d be telling the cheater that he was a horrible husband and father for hurting his family that way. And what kind of woman would want to be with a man of such low character? I suppose someone of equally low character. I meant no disrespect to you – we are on the same team. It’s just hard to hear of another man saying how horrible their affair and their AP was, all the while going back for more.

      • This is all part of the aftermath–and it can be painfully horrible. When I am in the drudges and thinking: “how do you kiss me and love me and then go f-her? What kind of respect do I have for myself and children if I stay here?” … The only way out of that train of thought is to realize that the affair was what happened because of the state of mind he was in. Only now can he see things for what they were–face value. When he was in the affair he wanted to believe her or anything that made him feel good. She was like a drug and he was a junkie. He wanted to be someone’s hero (she was going through a divorce). He didn’t want to be the bad guy to her and walk away like her husband had done. So there he was in this relationship where he relinquished control–he didn’t have to do anything and she still sucked his cock and acted like he was a gosh darn Superman. He says that when he was in the affair he justified his behavior–she’s my friend, I care about her, I can’t hurt her feelings, she’s all alone. But he never fully believed the accolades she gave him either–he knew it was undeserved. Like you said, what kind of woman wants a man that is cheating on his wife and kids?
        Honestly, my husband has an amazing character but he fucked up–big time. He has integrity despite his mistake. What I am learning from this entire experience is that he is more than this affair. He could let it define the rest of his life–he could lie to me, cheat again, screw up everything… but this affair did more damage to him than me. I am hurt, sad and disappointed but I didn’t choose to put myself here. He chose to make the mistake and it’s affected him deeply and he doesn’t believe he will ever forgive himself.
        I wouldn’t be fighting for a marriage if I didn’t believe our love was stronger now than before and getting stronger everyday. I’m not sure what led you to my blog or if you are going through something similar or just “Fedup” with men in general… but I am figuring this out as I go along. Thanks for your comments–it really did help me today.

  3. I have decided that on those days when I wake up and I just hopeless I will read your blog from the same time in our journeys. It is approximately 6 weeks since our lives collapsed (or at least I became aware). Your blog almost exactly describes my thoughts. I find myself logically understanding what happened and why but emotionally I just cant grasp it. I feel I get it, then it slips away before I can grab it and take hold. I find myself berating him for risking everything for what he describes as someone who was just there, I can be truly horrid in my questioning. Then when he sits racked by sobs and tears, shaking uncontrollably, he tells me he always loved me, but he had convinced himself I didn’t love, want or need him (why?), that now he knows he was wrong and that it was never about her, it could have been anyone but that bunny boiler was the one to offer herself up. And then, I feel terrible. I realise how much he is hurting and I hate myself for increasing that pain, because after all I still love and care about him deeply. How did we let this happen? Perhaps I will start my own blog, I think it might help. Take care.

    • Hi,
      Writing for me was very helpful. Not only just to put my feelings and thoughts out there but to connect with other betrayed women. Some bloggers have a difficult time though and can get stuck in the pain of other women on here–try to only live your life.
      My husband felt the same way. I believe he was going through a mid-life crisis brought on by some career stress and his view of himself (physically). He didn’t like the way he looked, he was worried he had let me down as a provider for our family. All these doubts filled him but he didn’t want to believe it about himself so he projected it all on to me. He started to believe that it was me that believed he was overweight or not making enough money. But to his AP, he was a hero. She needed him and he liked that she gave him praise. He said that he never felt her compliments were genuine but he was starving for attention and she was there. He never needed her… she was a predator. I guess we were foolish to believe that women don’t go after happily married men, right? Never again.
      You will work you way through all the pain together. You may never make sense of everything. There are some things that I just will never have an answer for and I have to remind myself to let it go. I wish you all the best.

      • That all sounds so familiar, my husband also thought I looked at him and saw a fat man, he is not, he seems to have convinced himself I didn’t find him attractive and along came this manipulative girl, 6 years his junior, that showed interest, what man wouldn’t be flattered?!
        I am finding writing helps me, and him, to get my thoughts in order. That is good advice not to get wrapped up in other people’s stories, I have enough concentrate on in my own. But it is good to see the positive stories.

  4. I just found your blog today. I have so wanted to find other women who have gone through this same experience to share with. Thank you! I discovered my husbands affair almost 1 month ago. It was not sexual in nature, but very emotional. She lives across the country and they only met one time at a work conference. I am choosing to beleive him, although there are days I almost don’t think it would have mattered. The emails and text messages I read were usually the “I love you so much!” And the phone call logs indicated hours of talking late into the night when I thought he was sleeping next to me. He now says, he loves me, and wants to work on our marriage. He says he has ended it completely with her, but I am really struggling to beleive him. I am pregnant with our fifth child, and I know I can’t do this alone. I also love him very much, more than I think I even realized, and so I am choosing to stay and fight for our marriage.

    I am so grateful to you for starting this blog. And I hope I can gain strength from your healing process.

  5. My husband cheated on me & finally told me 2 months ago. The affair happened last year and went on for two month. Thank u for this blog! This is truly a blessing to me.

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