I am struggling with how to handle forgiveness. Some days I feel like I don’t even care to think about his infidelity. I don’t want it to bring me down when I am having a good day. Some days I cry and feel like when will the pain become a distant memory? I read somewhere online that if you can forgive someone you don’t even know for bumping into you in a crowded store or for a fender bender, then why not your spouse? Should it be easier to forgive the ones we love? Or should we hold the ones we love more accountable for our hearts and happiness?
Sometimes I fear I am moving through this process too quickly. How is it that I enjoy making love to him and can’t wait for him to get home so I can feel his lips against mine? Why is it so easy to tell him my internal thoughts? Why am I compelled to make him happy?
I guess I don’t want to end up stuck in the realm of punishing myself with the pain or him either. He truly regrets his actions and I am fearful he won’t forgive himself for what he did. He thinks what he did was unforgivable. He is truly upset that I may never trust him and may hold on to a part of this forever. I do fear there is a scar on our marriage and relationship. Will I ever trust him 100% again? I don’t know… it doesn’t feel possible right now. Doubts have a tendancy to creep into my mind at the strangest times.
Everything I read says it may take 10… 15 years to forgive him. To honestly forgive him. Those same women say I will never forget. Sometimes I wish I could have a mind-eraser come and erase this from my brain…. Because I don’t want this to be the memory that haunts my life. I don’t want his infidelity to define our marriage.