Roller Coaster

It’s a roller coaster of emotions being the betrayed spouse. The first wave of emotions hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like I had invested the best of me, the best years of my life and built my life around my hushand’s life in many ways. I felt like he had broken my heart. Actually, I still feel like he broke my heart. But then I look at him and talk to him and there is still love there–love that has survived being broken. I wonder if I could have forgiven him if he hadn’t told me he would do anything. If he hadn’t broken down and told me he didn’t want to be the man he had been for the past year. 99% of the time I believe him. This is the problem when you are betrayed…. there is always a nagging voice in your head questioning your emotions and thoughts. The voice screws with me all the time. Breaks me down when I should be feeling ok. Makes me question my whole life.

I have been reading a few other blogs written by betrayed wives. Sometimes I feel like their voice is similar and sometimes I feel like their relationships were so different than mine. My husband and I were active in the community together, we go on family vacations, we spend time with our extended families, we share the same values and I thought we both held ourselves to higher expectations than most people. So how did I end up here? How do I know have a scarred marriage? How did I end up with this imperfection that was out of my control and now haunts me every day?

Sometime I try to figure out what when wrong? Where does the blame fall. Maybe some of the blame falls on me not being more physically connected and communicating with my husband. I take some responsibility for him not feeling like I was attracted to him. I honestly look back and do think there were times when I wasn’t attracted to his being anymore because he was treating me like a roommate–not his wife. He would pick his nose in front of me–and he’s not a gross man either. But I take no responsibility for what he refered to as a diminished passion in our intimacy. I have two thoughts on this. One, we have three young children and it’s hard to get it on with them running around in our small home. We both work and busy schedules made us tired by the end of the day. Sleep became a big priority.  Number two, But his lack of willingness to talk to me led to me not “putting out.” Quite frankly, if a woman does not feel appreciated, loved and listened to–she is not going to fuck you. How many times did I try to talk with him about how I was feeling and he ignored me or fell asleep? Sometimes I feel even more betrayed because I realize he was spending time with her. Listening to her problems instead of mine. Being a better partner to her in many ways. He feels like it was compartmentalized but I feel like he neglected me in some ways. He left me out of his life. He had a problem with our relationship and he didn’t come to me about it. He went to her. A woman who manipulated his weakness and exploited him.

I read this blog where the betrayed wife asked herself if she would have married her husband if she knew he would betray her someday. She said no. She wouldn’t have put herself through this pain knowingly. She is with her husband still. She stayed with him because they have history, children, a home…. Would I have married my husband if I knew he was going to betray me and have an affair? I don’t think so. The only reason I would say yes is because I love our children so much that I would hate to think of my life without them. But if the kids we created are not part of the answer… No, I think I would have walked away from him 16 years ago. As much as I love him and feel he is my soul mate–this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. It hurts me everyday. It kills my soul. I never would have believed my husband–the man I call my soul mate, would cheat on me and carry on with a year long affair. But then again, I never thought if he cheated that I would have the courage to stay with him and try to work it out.

This post is all over the place…. like a roller coaster.

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13 thoughts on “Roller Coaster

  1. This post is amazing. I feel I could have written it myself. All of it, all of it is so true. The occasional disgust with manners, made him less than desireable yet there I was day after day trying my hardest to show him only my best side. The fact that he shared his problems with another woman, in my case, many, rather than coming to me for help in making it better. Giving them his time but not having any left for me… I felt neglected as well, and just as with the kids, I would have left him years ago, if it weren’t for them, but here I am
    losing my mind trying to make it work, because underneath it all I know there is loveand thinking I must be crazy.

    • I struggled with all of that for a long time. Getting to the point where I wasn’t angry about all the work, time and love I put into the family and finding out his efforts were elsewhere. The time he spent with her is lost forever. Wasted time and energy. But we have to keep moving forward and not living in the mistakes and errors either of us has made.

  2. I am reading through all these posts, and connecting with each of them. One question I have though is, does your husband read these? Or has he? I wish I could get mine to read them to understand what he has put me through. But like your husband, he seems to feel pretty bad enough, and I don’t necessarily want his pain to get worse. Then I go back to thinking I am crazy for even caring about his feelings, after he has done this to me.

    • Hi,
      I am just reading through the comments and saw yours here. My husband reads my blog irregularly but he will always read a post if I ask him. In the beginning he would read more often because he was worried about me. Most of the time I tell him all about what I am writing or the people who write to me and other bloggers. I feel a strong connection with the women on here…. it’s something I never expected. I also will ask him to read posts from other readers at times. In the beginning I would ask him to read a post almost every day but now the posts I ask him to read are different (not focused on infidelity but more self-wellness). I guess it’s all about the journey.
      I worried too about hurting my husband’s feelings and sometimes I would feel bad if I said something that upset my husband too much. I even found myself apologizing to him if I got upset–he’s smart enough to tell me to never apologize for what I feel or anything in regard to what he did. I know that he hates to see me in pain but he also doesn’t want me to hide my feelings from him. We decided from the beginning that the transparency went both ways–I wasn’t going to suffer alone in silence. He was going to be my rock and he has been. Sometimes when the doubts creep in and I question why I stayed–I remember that I married him because I love him and he his human. I’ve written this before but I read an article once that said: Does your definition of love include failure? We are all human. I will never allow myself to stay if he cheated again–because this pain is too much to go through again–but I can forgive him today.

  3. This is me right now. If I had known I would’ve walked away all those years ago. I lived through this with my parents and now with my own marriage. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to see it through. The biggest difference between me and you is that my husband shows no remorse. So I’m trying to decide if I stay long enough for him to get there or not.

    • It’s very difficult. It’s even more difficult when your husband is not showing signs of remorse. Have you asked your husband to read the book: How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair? (Here’s a link: http://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X). I asked my husband to buy this book (he could get it on his iPad/Kindle or paperback) and read it. It’s a short book but it really outlines why it important for the cheating spouse to help in the healing process. It was an eye-opener for my husband when he read this. It took him some time to get through this short book but that was because it was emotionally difficult.
      On the other side of this, you should know you can do this. You are strong enough. I remember feeling defeated and like it was the worst experience of my life but I survived. Just know that you are not alone. There are so many women here and on other sites or support groups that can help you when you feel hopeless. Take care.

  4. I agree if I could not factor the kids into the equation I would have never married him. The thing I find crazy is we as the betrayed spouse had problems of filling unfulfilled in our marriage but we did not choose to go out side of our vows. We chose to be faithful even when we were unhappy about things. My mates biggest complaint was he hated the attention men gave me. I could have chose an affair long ago. I has numerous opportunities and I was just as unhappy but I stayed faithful. I saw the big picture I realized the entire damage of an affair. My mate never had a sexuall affair heck he doesn’t think he even had a real affair. A women started texting and chasing and he kept her hanging on because he thought I had cheated and he wanted to have me be jealous and fight for him. It all seems so stupid. The other women told me she knew he didn’t like her and that it was her pursing him (she is married with kids too). Why in the heck would a women text and send nude photos to a man she knows doesn’t want her. Well actually I know after having visited with her she is really one screwed up person. My mate (still won’t use word husband) never texted her first, never called her but then she tried to black mail him that is when he knew he had messed up by texting even if it was just to have something to make me jealous with. (It bothered him that I had never been the jealous type….. He is so freaking insecure!) He had even left her texts on the phone hoping I would see them. But once the threats came he started to panic. He did go meet her in a parking lot one day because she threatened to come to his work she tried to kiss him and that is when he cut all contact. She was not an attractive lady at all. Can not believe she thought she even had a chance with him. Can not believe she admitted that she was the one chasing and that he didn’t want her. She was so stupid as to have put it in a text to me. She even told her husband it was all her. Real idiot. But still my point is everyone becomes unhappy in a marriage why do some think their vulnerability gives them a pass to cheat. I know a lot of people will not agree with this but when I first found out I did not have all the details (stupid mate wanted me to still be jealous. He had no idea what he had done to me and our family) so he didn’t tell me let me think the worst and he kept telling me yes I know how it feels I thought you had cheated. I was livid when he acted like he knew how I felt. So I showed him how it felt. Luckily I did not sleep with the man even though he wanted to and has continued to pursue me. Well my mate has been killing himself to fix this mess I am just exhausted that he has done this to us. He is in counseling dealing with his insecurites but I refuse to go. I will not invest in us till I see change in him. I also do not have the strength to emotionally do counseling yet. It takes a lot to tell this story to a total stranger. Actually you are the first person I have told Amy of this to. Guess I maybe healing. Dang I am a mess and all over the place. But once again we all need the ego boost an affair brings but some choose to be above it. I also have told him we are no longer married once he cheated it ended. Whether we stay together or not that marriage is and always will be dead to me.

    • I’m not certain why some people cheat in their unhappiness. I wish I understood. Recently I was talking with a friend of mine and we were saying that we noticed that women tend to walk away from relationships when they are unhappy while men tend to cheat. Maybe that’s a huge generalization but why is it?

  5. Hi, I want to say that I appreciate your blog and sharing your story and feelings about the affair. You may not expect this but I am a man who had an affair on his wife and it is all pretty recent and fresh, less than a month ago. First, I want to say that there is no excuse or justification for any man or woman for that reason to have an affair, and I am not trying to make one for myself and my actions. There are overall problems in the marriage (sex, communication, affection, finances, children, and many more) that perhaps you,can say contribute to the individual to have an affair but after being on that side I can say with certainty that the only contributing factor is you, the individual that chose to do that. I can’t answer the question why I had an affair, perhaps it was a combination of lust, affection, company, emotional and physical need, I suppose you can say that maybe all of those were a part of it but the thing I regret the most is not talking to my wife, not trying to reach out for help and therapy, for not respecting my best friend and the love of my life and the mother of my three beautiful children. I can’t imagine the pain, agony, sadness, depression, anger, resentment, and everything else that you are going through and for that fact my wife as well. My wife has decided to stay with me at this point despite of everything that has happened and I hope that she won’t change her mind because if this situation made me realize one thing, that is how much I don’t want to be without her. You can criticize me, tell me that I should have thought about that before, that it is all my fault and I won’t disagree with you because that is correct, however people make mistakes, bad decisions, and hurt others especially those that we love the most. If I could of course I would give everything to take it all back, to never have been in that situation, to never see my wife suffer that much pain and be so sad and not trusting and worst of all thinking so low of herslef. Believe it or not, the pain of seeing your wife like that is demoralizing, excruciating, and unbearable at times (and trust me I know it must be way worse being on the other side), but I guess the point I am trying to make is that my heart breaks for my wife and all the other women out there that have been betrayed because none of you nor my wife did anything to deserve that. I wake up every morning with a schoolers on my chest, I cry every morning before I go to work, I can barely get myself together but I try hard not to show her that because I feel like I need to be strong for her and there for her every second of the day. Seeing my wife like that has been the worst experience of my life, I will never forgive myself for as long as I live, I will hate myself for the rest of my life no matter what my wife decides to do. I am very thankful that you shared your story and feelings, it helped me understand my wife better and how she feels and what she’s going through and of course I’m a terribly sorry to hear that you are going through this. I hope that both you and my wife can find closure, forgive, and rid yourself of the feelings and regain trust. I want to take the opportunity to say sorry to you on behalf of your husband’s action and also so apologize to my wife for my own actions. Was the affair worth? HELL NO. Please remember that you are strong, beautiful, smart, funny, desirable and most of all you have a lot to offer no matter what you decide to do or which way to go. I hope my wife can read this some day and realize that so is she and most of of that she is a wonderful human being. Thank you and I think you’re amazing, strong,and courageous.

  6. Hate to be the guy that posts to what seems to be more of a woman directed blog. But I’d like to share a little if you wouldn’t mind. My wife became emotionally attached to a client of hers and I discovered it after noticing how emotionally distant she was with me.
    I found out just a few months into it and, as far as I know, it wasn’t ever sexual. As I read your blog and many others, one thing different with my wife than a majority of others is, she never showed any remorse. She actually told me she doesn’t feel like there was any wrong doing. Her messages to him said how much she thinks abouts him and how she missed him when she didn’t talk to him for a short period of time.
    We have been through and graduated counseling and I’m aware that we are both 50/50 responsible for the health of our marriage and that I’m partially responsible for what pushed her away. She never communicated how unhappy she was about certain aspects of our relationship. She chose to seek attention from someone else rather than sharing with me. Since discovering and going through counseling I’ve changed how I view things drastically. I still have questions she doesn’t answer or I feel she doesn’t answer fully or honestly. Sorry to mumble on, I’m still feeling affected by the entire thing. Do you have any tips on how to move away from the questions without getting answers?

  7. Hate to be the guy that posts to what seems to be more of a woman directed blog. But I’d like to share a little if you wouldn’t mind. My wife became emotionally attached to a client of hers and I discovered it after noticing how emotionally distant she was with me.
    I found out just a few months into it and, as far as I know, it wasn’t ever sexual. As I read your blog and many others, I noticed one thing different with my wife than a majority of others. She never showed any remorse, she actually told me she doesn’t feel like there was any wrong doing. Her messages to him said how much she thought about him and how she missed him when she didn’t talk to him for a short period of time. All she has said is that she feels embarrassed that a friend of ours knows.
    We have been through and graduated counseling and I’m aware that we are both 50/50 responsible for the health of our marriage and that I’m partially responsible for what pushed her away. She never communicated how unhappy she was about certain aspects of our relationship. She chose to seek attention from someone else rather than sharing with me. Since discovering and going through counseling I’ve changed how I view things drastically. I still have questions she doesn’t answer or I feel she doesn’t answer fully or honestly. Sorry to mumble on, I’m still feeling affected by the entire thing. Do you have any tips on how to move away from the questions without getting answers?
    We’re still working on the healing process, at times it feels like it’s just me. Over time I feel the hurt less and less but it is always there. There’s always something right around the corner that reminds me and the pain comes flooding back.

    • I understand why you are struggling to move on. If she does not feel remorse then how can you be certain it’s over or will not happen again. I think that my husband’s recognition and remorse was a huge factor in both me being able to forgive him and staying in the marriage. Have you communicated this with her? And what is her response? I would guess that if she is not feeling remorse than she feels as though her actions were justifiable. Maybe there was no sexual relationship but there was a betrayal. I know you wrote a few weeks ago but I hope you are finding a way to be honest, heal with your wife, and move forward together in your marriage.
      The pain comes and goes. It takes time but it gets better. I promise.

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