It’s a roller coaster of emotions being the betrayed spouse. The first wave of emotions hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like I had invested the best of me, the best years of my life and built my life around my hushand’s life in many ways. I felt like he had broken my heart. Actually, I still feel like he broke my heart. But then I look at him and talk to him and there is still love there–love that has survived being broken. I wonder if I could have forgiven him if he hadn’t told me he would do anything. If he hadn’t broken down and told me he didn’t want to be the man he had been for the past year. 99% of the time I believe him. This is the problem when you are betrayed…. there is always a nagging voice in your head questioning your emotions and thoughts. The voice screws with me all the time. Breaks me down when I should be feeling ok. Makes me question my whole life.
I have been reading a few other blogs written by betrayed wives. Sometimes I feel like their voice is similar and sometimes I feel like their relationships were so different than mine. My husband and I were active in the community together, we go on family vacations, we spend time with our extended families, we share the same values and I thought we both held ourselves to higher expectations than most people. So how did I end up here? How do I know have a scarred marriage? How did I end up with this imperfection that was out of my control and now haunts me every day?
Sometime I try to figure out what when wrong? Where does the blame fall. Maybe some of the blame falls on me not being more physically connected and communicating with my husband. I take some responsibility for him not feeling like I was attracted to him. I honestly look back and do think there were times when I wasn’t attracted to his being anymore because he was treating me like a roommate–not his wife. He would pick his nose in front of me–and he’s not a gross man either. But I take no responsibility for what he refered to as a diminished passion in our intimacy. I have two thoughts on this. One, we have three young children and it’s hard to get it on with them running around in our small home. We both work and busy schedules made us tired by the end of the day. Sleep became a big priority. Number two, But his lack of willingness to talk to me led to me not “putting out.” Quite frankly, if a woman does not feel appreciated, loved and listened to–she is not going to fuck you. How many times did I try to talk with him about how I was feeling and he ignored me or fell asleep? Sometimes I feel even more betrayed because I realize he was spending time with her. Listening to her problems instead of mine. Being a better partner to her in many ways. He feels like it was compartmentalized but I feel like he neglected me in some ways. He left me out of his life. He had a problem with our relationship and he didn’t come to me about it. He went to her. A woman who manipulated his weakness and exploited him.
I read this blog where the betrayed wife asked herself if she would have married her husband if she knew he would betray her someday. She said no. She wouldn’t have put herself through this pain knowingly. She is with her husband still. She stayed with him because they have history, children, a home…. Would I have married my husband if I knew he was going to betray me and have an affair? I don’t think so. The only reason I would say yes is because I love our children so much that I would hate to think of my life without them. But if the kids we created are not part of the answer… No, I think I would have walked away from him 16 years ago. As much as I love him and feel he is my soul mate–this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. It hurts me everyday. It kills my soul. I never would have believed my husband–the man I call my soul mate, would cheat on me and carry on with a year long affair. But then again, I never thought if he cheated that I would have the courage to stay with him and try to work it out.
This post is all over the place…. like a roller coaster.