To send the letter or not to send the letter

It’s almost been 2 months. Actually D-Day will be two months on Thanksgiving…. Ironic, right?

My husband and I have had some grueling heart to heart discussions. I just want to figure out how he can say he loves me so deeply but he could compartmentalize our life. I feel him in everything I do in life. I think of how myy actions affect our children constantly. Is it different for men? Are they amazing husbands and fathers but do not think their lives have to be consistent at all times? 

Well, yesterday we cried together while talking about how he views our relationship vs. all the other relationships in his past (her included). The common thread revealed was that he was never ful-filled by these relationships or felt like he was involved in them for his own needs. He said I was the only person he ever felt loved him and brought out the best in him. The only person who cared about him as a man. And I do.

His relationship with her was based on her needs and what she wanted from him. He didn’t want a sexual relationship. He didn’t need any more friends. He didn’t need her. He felt bad for her because her life was a mess. He was doubting his successes as a man. He wasn’t where he thought he would be in his career at 45 and it bothered him. His libido was decreasing and he tried to tell himself that sex was not important in our marriage. He felt like if it didn’t matter than he didn’t have to accept that he had a problem. But all these things were lowering his self-esteem. Making him wonder if I desired him anymore. Instead of talking to me about his feelings and doubts, he buried them deep. He repressed them and didn’t think about them in realistic terms. He placed his self-doubts on me. He interpretted how he felt I viewed him and he was wrong. I have always loved him. I’ve always been attracted to him. I’ve always felt intense pleasure when we make love. I’ve only every orgasmed with him. Truth is… I saw his self-doubt and felt like if I said anything it would make it worse. So dumb. How can I tell this man about my daily bowel movements but not ask if he felt his libido was becoming an issue? It’s not my fault. These were his choices.

Anyhow, she manipulated her way into his everyday life. Made him feel sorry for her. Made him feel like he was responsible for her happiness. Made him feel accountable to her. He never wanted her. He never enjoyed sex with her. He never felt ful-filled by their conversations. 

Now I want to tell her. I wrote the letter. My husband approved it. He said if it makes me feel better to send the letter then I should send it.

But should I? Will it make me feel better to say mean things to her? I think it will.

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20 thoughts on “To send the letter or not to send the letter

  1. I don’t know … I want to be supportive of that but it sounds like your husband isn’t taking responsibility for his part in it. It’s not only her fault. Go ahead send the letter if it makes you feel better. But hold him accountable.

  2. I contacted all my husbands AP’s. Some advise against this. For me? I had to. I needed them to know, that *I* knew about them. That they had not gotten away with what they had done.

    The first one I found out about (AP#3), I confronted her over the phone the day I found out, then I went to the restaurant (He was her boss) and ate with him (brought all of our kids) and made sure to watch her…watching us. A few months later I texted her some questions. I was never rude. And then a year later, I decided I jsut had to tell her husband. He deserved to know. He thanked me. He’d suspected, but never had confirmation. He was just a broken spouse like me.

    The next one (AP#1 actually) I contacted over facebook, though it had been 4 years since their affair (but I had just found out). I’m glad I did. She told me things he hadn’t, so I was able to get him to be more truthful with that information, not only about THEIR affair, but the next one too. (All his AP’s were employees…who knew each other and talked with each other. Gross). So that gleened a lot of information for me. Even when she lied about other stuff.

    The next one (AP#2) I called with my husband in the room. She lied and denied. But it didn’t matter. I gave details to prove that I knew. She was shocked. And hung up on me.

    I have a letter written to all three. AP#3 and #1 have gotten them. AP#2 hasn’t yet. She was his long term AP and it’s harder to send. Their affair was over 2 years. I’m jsut not ready yet, but I will.

    • Wow…. Good for you confronting them. Are you still trying to rebuild with your husband?
      I wrote the letter and saved it on a flash drive. I had my husband read every word. It was a very nasty but true letter. I didn’t say anything but the truth. I put the flash drive in a drawer and decided if I needed to send it I would.
      The big reason I want to send it is because she recently referred to my husband to other people as a “good friend.” Really? A good friend who you carried on a year long affair with? Causing his family pain and hurt. Causing my husband to feel like he is in hell because of the pain he inflicted on me. A good friend, huh? Real fucked up idea of friendship, if you ask me. Almost caused him to lose everything in his life that gave him value and meaning. But she likes to think of herself as a good friend. Makes me angry that she is that stupid.

      • I am trying to rebuild with him. But, I did it for me, not him. In fact, he didn’t know I was doing it usually until after the fact. Even when I contacted the husband of AP#3. I wasn’t nasty, even though I wanted to be. Mainly because I just wanted them to see the impact of what they had, vs. everything I wanted to call them.

  3. I also contacted one of the OW – and it was a good thing for me. I wrote about it on my blog if you want to see what I said. Of course, my story is different from yours (he cheated on me twice, two different women, within a couple of weeks of each other – no long term affair).

  4. I also contacted the OW. I spoke to her on the phone for about half an hour. It was against all the advice I had been given, but it made me feel better. Not something I should ever had to have done, but I did take something from doing it, and knowing I was strong enough to confront her even when I felt at my lowest point.

  5. First off thank you for your blog, I like you am in the early stages of dealing with this. Just about to be 6 months from DDay. I too wrote a letter to the OW, although mine was probably not the most tactfully worded. I was still in the rage phase, and the letter was one she initially sent to me because I heard ‘rumors’ of her and my husband. I am in Afghanistan on deployment, so I didn’t have the opportunity to confront either my spouse or her. I added my comments to her letter, especially since I realized she sent it after they been together and she said everything was ‘platonic’ and ‘just good friends’. Yeah, okay! I too had a overwhelming need to let her husband know, which took awhile considering my location. While my husband stepped up and immediatly accepted all fault and repercussions, she continued to lie to her husband. Only recently was her husband able to find out, but she continues to lie to him about the details. Soon I will be home and her husband wants to meet with me, for I have the evidence of the affair and the details. Ironically, I look forward to this meeting. Somehow I don’t think until I do meet with him, will I feel ‘settled’ on how I’ve dealt with her in all of this. As for my husband, its too early to say which way we will go. I put it in his hands, to prove to me he deserves to remain a part of my and our son’s life.

    • Wow. I can’t imagine dealing with all this long distance while being deployed. In some ways it is probably giving you clarity. But there are so many assumptions I made about my husband’s affair that just weren’t true. And it took me months to even understand they were assumptions in my head. So remember to listen… listen for what the truth is and ask questions if you don’t understand his answer.
      The biggest thing I learned is that the men think they are having an affair for a totally different reason then they actually are. And there is a feeling they are getting from the OW that is building up their ego–right or wrong. My husband liked his “friendship” with the OW because he thought he was helping her heal from her divorce. But now in retrospect he realizes he was targeted. She manipulated him and lied to him. Not really all that shocking to me that a woman who sleeps with a married man would lie to him about why she needs him.
      I did write the OW an email in the immediate wake of finding the secret email account they shared. I emailed her very nasty short emails based on my emotions of finding this out–like “what kind of woman and mother of girls sleeps with a married man with children?” and “you think anything you two did together was new to him? You are a fool if you think that we weren’t sleeping together too.”
      But what I wanted to convey in the letter to her was how much my husband has realized after D-Day. How he never loved her and he never thought he did love her. The biggest point she needed to know what how much he hates her. He hates her because she didn’t respect him or care to value the person he wanted to be and is. He told her that he values his role as a husband and father over everything else in life. He told her how much time he spends with his children to make sure they are not only learning how to become mature adults but that they know how to be responsible and trustworthy people. She didn’t care about any of this. She still insisted upon their relationship becoming sexual or the friendship was over. He made a bad decision… but she disrespected the man my husband is and I have no tolerance for that.
      Ughh. I am on a rant now!

      I hope you are able to make the best decision you can for you. Your husband will have to be truly remorseful and willing to do anything to help you heal and heal himself. I think you are smart to go home without making a decision first. You need to know the truth and decide where it will take you. Regardless of what you decide you will have to live with what he has done–whether you are together or not. I have found that healing alongside my husband was what we both need(ed). It’s a long road to go down… but for us it has been more than worth it.

  6. I’m interested to know if you ever sent the letter? My husband still works with his ap so I think my need to confront her is very much about her seeing me and realising its a real person she and my husband have hurt. Because the affair is not ‘out there’ I feel that she has gotten away with her part in it. I did speak to her briefly immediately after my discovery when my husband called to tell her I knew and it was over, but at that time I was in shock and didn’t ask many questions. Now I feel like I want to know her side of the affair, to understand why she pursued a married man whose wife was pregnant. Also maybe partly to see if her story matches up with my husbands recollection of when it began and why because I’m still not sure I believe his version of events. Then I wonder what I would gain from all of this, it’s not going to make it go away and there’s nothing she can say that will make me feel better.

    • I never did send the letter. I held off because one commentor said that his AP would see it as a sign of weakness and she would never hear what I was saying. Now that it’s been almost a year, I know much more now and realize she never would have heard, understood or listened to one word. She would have either used it as an opportunity to hurt me back or talk to my husband.
      At one point, I spoke with her husband (they are going through a divorce) and I was able to get some answers that I needed. He was lied to by her–she told him they were just sexting. I had the “fortune” of finding the email account and reading through every email they exchanged (which I didn’t read them all because my stomach churned). So I know when it began, what was going on, the lies she was feeding him, etc, etc. But her husband was in the dark because when I found out they had just separated–he never knew she was cheating on him and she told my husband they had separated a year earlier than they actually did. It’s a long story. BUT, after I spoke with her husband for two hours he must have said something during their mediation meeting. She immediately stormed into my husband’s business (like a bat out of hell) and asked him: “What the hell is going on?” She knew we knew the truth and she wanted to know wtf happened. In some ways I was glad that it never came from me but I’d still love to squash her life. I still fantacize about sending out letters to people in her life letting them know the truth. I did have some satisfaction this summer when she resigned from her job and that would push her out of my husband’s business completely. But it depends on the OW. Some woman have written me and told me it gave them tremendous relief to speak with their husband’s AP. It just depends on what you need–what kind of a person you think she is. Some APs are just emotionally messed up woman but some are really predators that seek their victims out. Good luck… Let me know what you decide. If you do write her–pick your words carefully and if you feel comfortable let your husband read the letter. I often wonder if these woman have any idea what suffering they inflict on not just us (the wives) but the very men they claim to have “loved” or cared for. If I didn’t know better I would have thought my husband’s AP hated him because of what she asked him to do and what he became as a result of his affair.

  7. It’s been 96 hours since I found out my husband cheated on me. Although no sex was involved, the fact that he chose to confide in another woman … holding her hand, kissing her lips … it tore me apart.

    I too have written a long message for her. It took me half a day to finish it, writing and rewriting as I went along. I wanted to click the Send button but I stopped myself.

    My marriage is now broken because a 27 year old immigrant on a temporary visa until November, working in a bar wanted my husband.

    I wanted to lash out at her. I wanted to drive to the bar she worked in and slap her hard across the face. I wanted to hurl profanities at her. But I didn’t. I couldn’t.

    I asked my three best friends what was wrong with me – their reply helped a little: “You still love him. However on the flip side, karma is a bitch. No need for revenge. Just sit back and wait. Those who hurt you will eventually screw up themselves and if you’re lucky, God will let you watch.”

    I wanted closure. Craved it in fact, and I thought sending her a message would help. But the truth of the matter is, it wouldn’t. It would like you wrote, instead open a floodgate of more hurt because she wouldn’t be capable of remorse. If she had any, she wouldn’t have pursued my husband the way she did. Although no sex was involved (yet), and I believe my husband when he told me he isn’t emotionally attached to her, it still broke me up inside.

    My husband and I are now on a journey of healing together. He is sorry for what he’s done, for the pain he’s inflicted on me and has finally decided to come home … find a job here and stay with me and our kids.

    I know it’s going to be a very long and tough journey for the both of us, me particularly but I know I still love him and I want to heal. My BFFs tell me to do it for the children but I know it’s more for me.

    Thank you for writing and sharing your story. I know it’s not easy for you but thank you. You somehow showed me a little ray of light when I saw none.

    • I think I fantasized about slapping my husband’s AP no less than every day for the first year. I had conversations with her in my head almost every day for months. Then I realized, just like you, she was so crazy none of it mattered. She would never hear the words I spoke.

      You have a lot of clarity for 96 hours. I think I was still a bumbling mess of tears at that point. I am impressed. 🙂

  8. My husband and I have been together for 4 years and we have a 2 1/2 year old but we JUST got married in september. He is an amazing father and an ok husband, I think we have both known for awhile that we lack communication and aren’t able to be vulnerable with one another but we do love one another in the capacity that we can. Both of us were so happy to get married, I wasn’t nervous at all and everything felt right, I knew I wanted to spend my life with him. Yesterday while paying the cell phone bill I noticed he had an enormous amount of text and picture messages. I immediately felt like someone punched me in the gut as I noticed an unfamiliar # and pretty much daily constant contact. My investigation began and luckily didn’t last very long. I found out the number was a girl, I left work bc I couldn’t hold it together. I work for a car dealership and purchased our vehicles from said dealership, both have gps trackers (you know in case I decide to stop paying) I came home and cried and cried and felt sorry for myself and hatched a plan to ask him about the phone # and brace myself for the lies (I assumed there would be since I had no proof and his m.o. for other situations is to deny and deflect) luckily I didn’t have to have this conversation, he sent me a text asking if I was off work yet, I didn’t respond and checkEd the gps on his truck (something I’ve never felt the need to do before I have always and completely trusted him) He wasn’t at work, he was a few miles down the road at a secluded walking path at a nearby river. I called him, he didn’t answer. I text him and asked if he was still working and he replied yes, my world caved in. I immediately got into my vehicle and did 80 miles an hour on the 20mile drive hoping to “catch” him, and I did. I pulled up and parked next to his truck and called him, no answer, I walked around his truck to a parked car and there he sat. Luckily they were both fully clothed and it did “look” pretty innocent. I waved and walked back to my car trying to contain my anger. He came running after me and when I wouldn’t let him in my car he stood behind it so I wouldn’t leave. I eventually let him in and he told me everything, well the main gist anyway. Basically it started as harmless flirt texting before our wedding, in his mind a final farewell, however he didn’t stop it and it escalated. This was not the 1st time they had met up after work. They literally text each other from the time he woke up until the time he went to bed for the past month. It was more infrequent before the wedding but escalated to that point in the past month. Not to mention the almost 200 nude pictures that weren’t sent to him, and he admitted to “handling business” while looking at her naked pictures. He says there was no actual real sex but they did talk about it and that he felt it was moving in that direction with these brief after work rendezvous. I asked him if he thought he would have sex with her and he said he likes to think that he wouldn’t but he honestly couldn’t give me a straight answer, basically meaning yes. Although my heart is broken and I am angry and confused I love him and I don’t know what to do. Last night after we got the baby to bed we had another conversation where I let him know how hurt and angry I was in a calm manner (well in between supressing tears) my husband and I stayed up most of the night talking about our fears and insecurities and opened up to one another like we haven’t in a long time. So here I am today, while he is at work where his “distraction” as he called her works as well and I am going insane. I keep flip flopping between pain, anger, and fear that I will never get over this, but also the silver lining of maybe we needed this to truly break down walls, start communication, and re-build a relationship that will last. We were happy before, we had ups and downs but we were content, we had our routine and we were comfortable. Our sex life has always been amazing, it is pretty much our glue before which doesn’t = forever in most cases. I explained to him last night thst I need time, and that I can’t just brush this off. I explained to him that divorce was not an option so how we handled this situation would determine whether we would have a business relationship and stick to one kid or be in a loving, healthy, committed, monogamous relationship and have that 2nd kid we have been discussing as of late. He said he didn’t want the business relationship and begged me not to shut me out and give him time to show me that he can be faithful. He talked about his insecurities and how the attention he received from this 20 something made him feel wanted and good about himself. He agreed to go to counseling and we have an appointment next week. Sorry this is so long but I mainly wanted to ask about how you felt in the immediate days after finding out? I am struggling because I feel somewhat relieved that we are breaking down walls and growing, but I’m hurt and angry and feel like I’m letting him off the hook too easy? That I do empathize with how he feels and love him so much to love him through this instead of persecuting him. I’m just so confused. Did sending your letter make you feel better? I wish I would have punched her in the face when I caught them in her car but I don’t think I need to contact her, I know in my heart she initiated bc I remember the original text that started this whole thing because my husband read it aloud to me when she sent it. She told him that the group of girls she works with all wanted him and wanted to know what kind of underwear he wore. I was livid but I trusted my husband to shut it down and never thought about it again, now here I am almost 3 months later feeling betrayed.

    • Your husband was walking that fine line between dangerous, fun flirtation and full-blown affair. It’s the dance that begins the affair and you caught him. Somehow that probably doesn’t ease the pain you feel or insecurities that are lingering in your mind though. Keep the conversations going. Keep talking. I can imagine it’s hard to let him go to work knowing she is there and that she is perfectly fine with crossing the line with a married man. But that’s when trust comes into play–what little trust is left. Set boundaries, ask for transparency, ask for whatever you need to get through your day–which may be a lot in the beginning. For me, it was dropping by my husband’s business unexpectedly, having him check in with me and going through his emails. It seems crazy but that’s what I needed at the time. I checked our cell phone bill constantly and went through his phone when he was in the shower. All of it was necessary for me to trust him again. The thing is now I know that people can just walk away from an affair if they want to. If your husband wants to close the door he will.
      Attention is addicting. Having someone fawn over you and treat you like a fantasy is intoxicating. I am guessing what he was doing had very little do with her and more to do with his insecurities that she preyed upon.

      • I know you are right, he saw that himself without me having to point it out. I completely and fully turned toward him instead of away and we talked and talked, he was supportive in reassuring me and doing the things I needed him to do. I even empathized with the fact that he probably needed closure since they had become such close friends. I asked him to please put an end to it, but that I wanted to be involved by being able to read the text messages. I asked him to let me know anytime he spoke with her or even had a passing glance in the hallway. Even though I was hurt I completely opened up and let him in and he did the same for me, we have gone a long time keeping one another at arm’s length. 5 days later I ask if he has sent his text yet and he tells me no, then I ask about couples counseling and he is resistant. He sent the text and the next day I checked the phone bill and she never responded and he never said anything about her responding, that night, I was sitting with him in his recliner and his phone went off, he didn’t check it, I asked him to and it was a text from a male friend of his but as he was showing me he received an email and her name popped up. I was livid. I got very angry asked him to show me and he kept telling me to calm down and he will show me later. I wouldn’t take that for an answer I wanted to see it and he continued to refuse to show me. He told me that when she never responded to his text he was worried that she was mad at him and he sent her an email, then he ran into her in the hallway and asked if she got his messages and she said yes, then a few hours later she responded. He said the whole conversation was pretty much them two getting their closure and ending it. BUT he wouldn’t let me see his phone, anytime I stepped out of sight he would jump on his phone real fast, I knew he was hiding something from me and that I wasn’t getting the whole truth, I asked him to leave. The damage is real this time, the fact that I completely opened up to him and gave him at least some of my trust, I empathized with the fact that they would need closure and he shit on that. He waited until the baby fell asleep and drug his feet because he didn’t want to leave. I told him he had to go, not to look at me or touch me or speak to me just leave. He did, but he continued to text and text and text I ignored him. I finally told him he could come home but that he was not to speak or even look at me, he could stay in the living room but that if he cracked my bedroom door he was out again. I woke up the next morning and he had a 9 page note waiting for me. I would have killed for a note like that a week ago, I would have given a limb for all the love and attention he has been giving me a month ago. But I can’t enjoy it now, when I first found out about what was going on I was overwhelmed of feelings of love for him and the need to break this relationship down and build it better. Now I am numb – I feel nothing when I look at him, and that makes me sad, I really don’t know what to do now, my trust was violated twice. I think I didn’t give his “relationship” enough merit the first time, but now I know it was more, he disrespected me by lying to me again and going behind my back after the week of open honesty we had, now what?

      • I think you need to trust your instincts. Trust that what you believe you need right now. My best advice is to take care of yourself first. I would recommend going to therapy both alone and with your husband (regardless of what you determine you want to do). Your husband does not need closure with his AP but you deserve closure and answers from him. Trust is not easy to earn back once it’s gone. There’s a deficit where there used to be trust given blindly because you loved him. A relationship requires honesty, brutal honesty. You deserve whatever it is you need now and always.

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