Thanksgiving

This blog is supposed to be about healing. Not dwelling on the past. I cannot change the past but I can learn and create a better future. Since yesterday was Thanksgiving, I gave a lot of thought to what I am thankful for in this shitty situation.

1. My husband chose me.

2. I chose my husband.

3. He has been remorseful and willing to do anything to fix and heal our marriage. We’ve been going to therapy, reading books, talking (talking and more talking). 

4. He’s been open and honest but never in a hurtful manner.

5. I know this is petty… but he says sex with her was a 3 (if based on me being a 10). He says he never even wanted to sleep with her but felt sorry for her. He said he didn’t like the taste of her when he went down on her. 

6. He was never attracted to her.

7. He said her personality was boring and “average”. 

8. He realizes now that she was NEVER his friend. Her claims to care about him were fake and if his self-esteem hadn’t been in the dumps–he wouldn’t have believed her or felt sorry for her.

9. He never thinks about her and didn’t care when I told him he could never see or speak to her again.

10. He says he never woke up and wanted to tell her something or see her. 

11. He says his heart never jumped or fluttered at the sight of her.

12. He says she brought stress, pain and only regret to his life.

13. He acknowledges this is the worst mistake he never thought or intended to make. 

14. Our therapist says she’s never seen a man more remorseful than my husband.

15. Our therapist says she’s never seen a couple with more of a base for true love than us.

16. He tells me he wants me to feel safe and loved.

17. He doesn’t expect me to trust him yet.

18. He wants to earn my trust.

19. I still love him despite his mistakes.

20. I realize that if I lost him I would never be as ful-filled as I am with him.

21. I realized that I wasn’t making time for my marriage. I just expected that if we were happy things were fine. Now I know that if there is a little bug in your ear–there is one in his too.

22. This is fixable. I really believe we can overcome his infidelity. Which shocks the hell out of me.

23. Forgiveness is possible.

24. Love can overcome (almost) anything.

25. Scars may be a reminder of a tragedy, but they diminish over time and heal. 

I could write a million more things. I love my kids and family incredibly. But this time in my life is devoted to me growing and strenthening the bonds of my marriage.

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12 thoughts on “Thanksgiving

  1. With a heart as pure and tender as yours, twndu, I hope you had a marvelous Thanksgiving (all things considered)! 😀

  2. Pingback: Thanksgiving: Reflecting on the Journey | Healing After My Husband's Affair

  3. I am so lost today. I also found my husband cheating, first on bb messaging and he told me it was an old collegue that he picked up on facebook, that was April 2013. I told myself I was lucky it never led to more since they never met, but in October 2013 her husband contacted me and revealed all. My husband worked with her, greeted me every morning and went on with his emotional and physical affair from Feb 2013 untill July 2013, with one very intimate physical encounter, ironically 1 day after I caught him on bb in April 2013. What I really struggle with is that he continued to lie and insist it was only on bb when I caught him in April and he still continued to see her till July. I trusted him again when he said he was going to a work function, but met with her. He was never honest and when all came out (after he continued to try and lie and cover it up untill the wife told hubby all eventually and I got it in bits and pieces from him). If only he came clean in April, but this makes it so much harder. I don’t understand why since (like you) I have been ‘happily’ married 10 years with 3 kids and always counted us as the ‘untouchable’ couple since we stuck together through so much and I stood by my husband through alcohol (which he overcame 5 years ago) and sickness after that. We were just in the clear of many difficulties and so thankful for all our blessings then this happened. We were happy at the time, with normal ‘fights’, but happy. I thought I was doing ok (your blog helped a couple of months back, I couldn’t accept the WHY, still don’t understand) but discovered my wedding day box today with a card I wrote to him on his 30th saying: “looking forward to the next 30 years with you” and it hit me hard how much has changed. I don’t see him like that anymore and the loss of what we had hit me hard. I struggle to accept that he put her before me and our family, every day making that choice. He is also the last person you would expect to do this. It has been 15 mths and he did all to tried to make up and rebuild, but recently he has fallen back into his ‘normal’ before state of just being irritated and withdrawn as he was before and I cannot handle it. It feels like he moved on and expect me to as well and I am still stuck. If I talk to him he clams up and I feel so alone. It doesn’t help that I don’t see him as my ‘hero’ and soulmate anymore, but as one with feet of clay. How do I get him to understand that he needs to win me back or lose me forever? My children mean the world to me and I will do all I can to stop divorce, but I feel so alone and heartbroken in this. Also I have become another person since then, I struggle to live with the anger and hurt. Any advice PLEASE?

    • Sometimes when I reflect on where our marriage began and how he chose to have an affair it can knock me down, knock the wind out of me. Have you talked to your husband about his attitude/behavior lately? I know it’s hard once you get past that first initial year after D-day to bring things up. I know that for me, I don’t want to feel like I am rehashing the affair but when behaviors become triggers it can be too much for me to emotionally process. Try to talk to him when you aren’t hurt or feeling triggered. Try to let him know that you are still struggling and you need his help. If he’s not open to communication with you then you have to try to push for therapy or to speak with someone who can be a neutral party. Maybe there are others with good advice out there too.

      • Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it! We haven’t gone for therapy and I was thinking of going since I am struggling. You confirmed that it is needed. I can’t let this pull me under. It is true what you say, I don’t want to drag it all up, but it is still very real for me sometimes. It really helps to know I am not crazy though.
        Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

  4. As I read your lists of what you are thankful for it is hard for me to ask this (because I do not want to cause you pain or doubt). The answers your husband gives are so neat and tidey and affairs prove that all of us have mates who were liars. How are you able to believe he never wanted to sleep with her. I am amazed at your abiility to trust his explanations. It seems odd. I have never slept with anyone I didn’t want to. I want to be able to have the kind of trust you have with the explanations you receive when they seem so ridiculous. Help me understand how you were able to believe again.

    • This post was written so long ago. But I believed what I needed to at that time. I was in survival mode. It may sound like my husband’s answers were neat and tidy but trust me they were a mess. He would answer my questions and sometimes the answers were not what I wanted to hear.
      Trust is hard to rebuild. I definitely did not have trust at this time after D-day. I was just holding onto this idea that we could get through the pain. I trust my husband now but it’s a work in motion. It’s not a guarantee anymore. Trust is earned…. and not easily after it’s broken.

      • I need to know whether I am doing something wrong in thinking or being who I am, but I am still struggling agter 18 months to move on. I work hard, I laugh, we look happy and everone thinks we moved on, but I am disillussioned to say the least. I still cannot believe my husband did it, all was well with us, even he admitted it was. I cannot understand and of course I don’t trust him anymore, but that is not the BIG issue for me. This seems to be the biggest issue for everyone else (please help me right if I am making wrong assumptions). Mine is this: Our relationship is BROKEN, I cannot (and also unconsciously don’t want to) love him like I did before. He betrayed me and our vows, how do I move past that? He is not my ‘I feel so good thinking about him’ guy. And please, this is my second marriage so I was not all starry eyed. It’s just: It was always US against the world, but that is gone. He broke the US. When I try to talk to him it feels I am dragging things up, he just listens quietly and then he walks away! I hate that! Is it too long past to insist on counselling for us? I cannot stand him not talking about it to me, it’s like he wants to forget and I can’t. Some days I am fine but when it hits me again I am so depressed. Depression has become more often and drags me down a lot. I feel like I live a role but mostly hide what I really feel. Am I stuck somewhere because it feels like it?
        Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

      • I think I know where you are. I felt this exact same way. Broken. I even told my therapist that I felt like something was missing from me – like I could rebuild everything but there would still be a part of me or US that was missing or broken. My therapist said, “it’s possible you will never recover what was lost.” Those words struck a chord within me. I have to live my life like this and I don’t know if I’m truly happy – so now what? Like you said, I can smile and play the part but there is a place deep inside me that hurts. That space is shrinking but I don’t know that it will ever go away completely.
        I feel as though if you feel depressed you need to address that first. If you need to go to a doctor then go. Have you talked to your husband about what you need from him? It sounds like he is not an emotional support for you. Maybe it’s not because he doesn’t want to or care to but because it hurts him to know that he’s broken you. See if you can connect with him on that level. My husband struggled to deal with the fact that he damaged and hurt me. It’s possible your husband is stuck in that place too.

      • Thank you for your reply, it helps to know it’s ‘normal’ what I am experiencing. The more I think about it the more convinced I become we must both go for therapy. We are both stuck, what you say is true. My husband blames himself and thus avoids the issue. I need support from him, don’t get it and then so we carry on. We need someone to help us get passed this. This blog has helped me so much, thank you… I would like something good to come from this in my life too.
        Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

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