What does infidelity say about marriage and our society?

I am reading through the blogs I follow and noticing the statistics on my blog increasing for readers. So what does this say? Why are there so many of us wives with cheating husbands? How is it that a happily married man can have an affair that he didn’t want or intend to be involved in ever? How can a man that loves his wife deeply and cherish his children become a liar and neglect them? These thoughts are haunting my mind right now.

Why aren’t taught how to care for our marriage and our spouse? I was told by a divorced neighbor to make sure I gave my husband blow jobs and sex on a regular basis–but would that have changed the course of his behavior? Would a more regular sex life have kept him from doubting himself and feeling like I wasn’t attracted to him? Would his self-confidence have sunk so low if I had just gotten down on my knees more often?

I know the key is open communication…. The more you talk openly and honestly with your spouse the better the relationship will be. So how does a couple like me and my husband–lose the ability to communicate? We were always honest and open. But somehow the communication became centered around the children, work and the menutia of life instead of our true feelings, emotions, fears, needs and desires. Why was it so easy to talk about other people’s failing marriages but not tell me ours was in trouble? Why didn’t he tell me the truth when I asked who he was calling for 700 minutes a month on his cell phone bill (granted I figured that out 30 hours later)… But why? Why did he tell me he would never risk losing me or the children but yet, he did?

I know most the answers fall into the category of his state of mind. He had entered into a stage of life where he doubted his career accomplishments and wondered if he would ever reach his goals and dreams of owning his own business. He felt his body aging and saw that he wasn’t the same man he was when we met. He’s gained 15 pounds, his libido was average for a man in his 40s but not what any man in his 40s wants. He thought I viewed him differently. I asked him how he views my body after 16 years and three pregnancies and vaginal deliveries. He answered without hesitation: “You look as beautiful as the day we met. Your body is amazing and has never changed.” I asked him why I would feel any differently about his body and he realized that I love him the same way he loves me. I think he always relished the idea of loving me more than I could possibly love him in return. Maybe because I am younger than him and he’s the only man I’ve ever loved. Maybe because he knows what loving other women feels like and knows it’s more with me. Regardless, he realizes now that I love him equally. I adore him. I am turned on by him. I crave him and I fantasize about him. I look forward to spending my evenings with him. I love turning off the tv and just BEING together….

This is how it began so many years ago. Just us….

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7 thoughts on “What does infidelity say about marriage and our society?

  1. Yeah, more sex wouldn’t have stopped my husbands affairs. I wondered that at first, because our sex life had taken a back seat due to the children and my health issues. But then this past year during our false recovery, we had more sex than ever and way more than the average couple, and still, his behavior continued.

    Our communication got better as well, but his behavior continued.

    For us, it was finding the root cause, him to stop lying not only to me, but himself.

    Another??? Have SOLID boundaries and STICKING to them. (Him more so, I have boundaries).

    We still have a long way to go…but, I think we have a good start.

  2. My husband and I had sex two and three times a day regularly before and during his affair, so I doubt he needed more sex. I think for most of these men, it’s about feeling young. Or as my husband told me, she made him feel needed because she was helpless while he felt I was strong and didn’t need him as much. So, needy women win?

    • Wow. My husband says the same thing about the OW- she was needy and he felt like he wanted to help her. She was the one that demanded the relationship become sexual (I read the emails and she kept telling him he was going to have an affair with her). He continuously told her he didn’t want or need a physical relationship. Every time he tried to walk away she played the helpless, my husband left me and emotionally abused me card. She knew that if he was going to stay in the relationship she had appear pitiful and lacking confidence. Yet, if you really read the emails you can see her demands in black and white. My husband was vulnerable and she knew it.

  3. The world glorifies adultery & vilifies marriage. In the US the OWs get book deals, TV interviews, etc. It’s sickening!

  4. It’s a global thing. I’m in asia and my D day just happened on 30 may 2014. After 17 years of marriage and I found out that he was using prostitutes for past 7 years… Somehow, a lot of my experiences and feeling are similar to yours and I’m trying so hard to rationalise, get by, get through..

    • I hope you are doing okay… only a few weeks after your D-Day. Ask questions, get tested for any possible diseases, take care of yourself first. Make sure you eat, sleep and don’t spend all day thinking about the affair (easier said than done). I hope you can find the answers you need.

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