It’s the holiday season. A season of light and peace, and for many people joy. As I go through the motions this holiday season there are times I forget I am a betrayed spouse and I am happy or living in the moment. But then there are those moments when I am in a school auditorium listening to my children’s holiday concert and I look around the room and think:
he cheated on me, our marriage is no longer pure and unadulterated.
It’s an ongoing discussion in my head with myself. And I feel like it’s a scene from a movie… I am all of sudden sitting in a room full of people but it’s almost like there is a glass cage around me. Then the rational side of my brain says:
it’s over now. He’s not lying to you now. He wants to earn your trust back and he is sorry. Do not dwell on the pain–it will only seek to destroy you.
I shake myself out of my pain and sorrow and realize he’s slipped his hand into mine and is holding my hand tight. He loves me.
This is how my day goes… up and down all day long. Luckily, I find the moments of sadness and pain are lasting shorter these days. I am happy when I realize I didn’t think about him cheating on me for an hour or during a luncheon with a friend or during dinner with my family. It’s an accomplishment not to feel betrayed, sad, angry. It’s amazing to think that before D-Day I took happiness and joy for granted.
There is so much fear in me as Christmas Eve and Day get closer and closer…. How will it feel when we are in church on Christmas Eve? How will the silence affect me? How will I feel when we are celebrating with family on Christmas Day? Will my smile be authentic or forced?
I wonder if I will be jealous of family and friends… Those people whose marriage’s look so happy. Are they? Or are they just putting on a happy face like me? That’s the problem with being a betrayed spouse. You no longer trust anyone anymore. If the person who was supposed to love you the most, respect you, keep your vows sacred could cheat–then couldn’t anyone? I thought my marriage was special. I thought my marriage was better than everyone else’s–I really did. Ha. I truly believed my husband would NEVER, EVER cheat on me. So if he could do it… anyone could/can. I hate this part of being betrayed–not trusting anyone. Wondering if my mother knows what I am going through despite the fact that I never suspected or would think of my father cheating on her. But if my husband could do this… My husband who is thoughtful, loving, supportive, gentle. He calls me his angel. He always has. If he could do this… then anyone can.
So I am hoping as Christmas gets closer I find an inner peace. I want to be happy without trying. I want to be filled with joy. I want to look at my children on Christmas day and not think about the affair. I want to celebrate the holiday season without sadness or pain.