I was having a really crappy night and morning. My husband was in one of the funks where he is so remorseful that he shuts down and feels like crap. Then I feel lost–in one sense I don’t like to see him so upset. He’s never been quick to show emotion but when I see him crying… I admit, it breaks my heart. But then I remind myself that he needs to feel this way. He needs to be sorry and feel horrid about what he did.
So when I woke up this morning and he was still upset and down, I got ready for my day but I was irritated. I feel like sometimes when he’s upset he wants to deal with it on his own and he won’t talk or anything. Honestly, it feels like what probably got us in this situation. He doesn’t want to burden me with his emotional doubts or insecurities–so he bottles it up and tries to ignore it. But you can’t ignore your emotions forever. I told him all this.
We don’t fight or argue with each other either. We listen. We cry. We sit. We talk. But we don’t fight. I may get upset and angry but I don’t want to fight.
I kissed my husband good-bye this morning and we both departed for work. I got to work and found out one of my co-workers knew someone who was killed in the horrible Connecticut school shooting. It was like someone slapped me in the face. Here I was crying and upset over my husband’s affair that has been over for almost three months and there are families suffering the worst imaginable pain–the loss of a child. When I go home–my children will come off the bus with smiles and filled with stories of their day. I’ll make them dinner and listen to them giggle and bicker. I’ll help them with homework and kiss them goodnight. I’ll pack them lunches and peer in to watch them sleeping on my way to bed. Even though my husband cheated–he’s sitting next to me right now. He’s going to kiss me and love me.
Once I realized I was wallowing in self-pity this morning, I texted my husband. I told him we needed to stop whining and crying. We love each other and we want to be together. We have three beautiful children. And, yes, what he did sucks. What he did was selfish and horrible but I still love him. I still recognize my pain but I don’t have to let it define my day. And neither should he.
My heart goes out to all the families and the Newtown, CT community. It will take time for them to even begin to heal…. as we all know too well. The most devasting and unexpected losses are the hardest to recover. I wonder if they will ever recover…. But I hope that someday the nights won’t seem so long. I send my love, my prayers and warmest thoughts to them.