The holiday season is in full swing. Spending the day with family and close friends. Catching up on the past year…. And honestly, not thinking about the affair when people say: “what’s been going on in your lives?” Wow. I really didn’t. I am not going to lie and say the thoughts didn’t creep into my mind intermittently throughout the day. But they didn’t overwhelm me either. There is some satisfaction in realizing he’s not cheating now. Not lying now. No longer disconnected.
I feel safe. I feel safe when he holds me. I sleep better when I am in snuggled into his arms. I feel loved.
i feel safe telling him too. Telling him what I need, my fears, my hopes, my thoughts. The other day I told him something that had bothered me. Words he had written in an email after a family vacation. They were on repeat in my head. I knew he didn’t recall writing them, thinking them… But it bothered me that they entered his brain for a moment. He was remorseful and tried to explain that words written in his emails were meaningless, just words. But still…. What I discovered was that telling him it bothered me healed the words. Let it go. release the pain. Allow yourself to heal. the understanding that no matter my future I have to live and deal with this, forces me forward. I can choose to live in pain or be happy.
I choose to be happy and love him. And allow him to love me in return.