Sometimes I wonder if this blog is a healthy place to be. I come here and read posts written by women like me… Betrayed spouses. I feel my pain and your pain. I try to remember I am healing. But then sometimes you read something that brings a flood of emotions. My heart skips a beat. Tears fill my eyes. I remember the pain. How it burns. It sears. How I feel like I was slapped in the face with this. I didn’t choose this. And as my husband said, I didn’t deserve this. But here I am with the pain.
I went to get a massage today. It was difficult. Laying there with my thoughts. Trying to relax. Trying to be in that moment…. Instead I spent most of it thinking about my pain. Thinking about forgiveness. Thinking about trust. Thinking about the past year. Wondering if the massage therapist knew what was going through my mind.
I feel like before i knew about the affair I just had a bad day or moment. Now, I must choose to have a good day. Not let myself get swallowed by the pain. It’s subsiding But there are moments. Like now. I am laying here wide awake while he is snoring away, sound asleep. If I told him I was having a difficult time he would lay here with me. Fighting off sleep. Sometimes I think I should wake him…. And other times I feel like sitting here in silence, alone.
So here I sit…. Listening to him breathe wondering if writing these words is helpful or not For me. I think so.