Trigger

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Being a betrayed spouse must be comparable to having a mood disorder. One moment I feel calm, in control and okay. Then, smack a trigger hits and I become like a car with no brakes. My mind racing. Every painful thought and emotion stabs me like a dagger over and over.

Yes, after my hopeful post yesterday I jumped on that roller coaster with one glance at a shirt in our closet. A shirt I’d never seen that had somehow missed the donation bag or dumpster. He had forgotten about it. It was one of those free shirts that my husband has a habit of bringing home. The embroidery on the shirt was from an organization that my husband used to volunteer for but then she took a job for the organization, so in the light of D-Day he quit. We had just gotten home from having a drink at a local restaurant. And although I only had one margarita…. I was feeling it (I am a very cheap date). So this t-shirt was not only ripped from the shelf  and flung to the ground it led to me taking a pair of jeans that are a trigger and me stabbing them with his pocketknife (at his suggestion and with his help). All this led to me in lying on the bed in tears…. Quite literally a mess. My husband sat there trying to quietly console me… I can imagine he was thinking about how we had amazing sex earlier that night, laughed and had fun when we grabbed a drink in town and now his affair had turned the night upside down.

Triggers suck. They hit you when you almost feel invincible. I hate triggers. I hate their power.

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9 thoughts on “Trigger

  1. This post made me laugh, not because it’s funny but because the same thing happened to me about a week ago and it was over socks of all things. I’m glad I’m not crazy… sometimes I feel like I am. I needed everything out of my house that “she” could have possibly touched or even been in a room with her. I still look around in his closet wondering if I’ve missed something. Triggers suck. Affairs suck.

  2. Triggers everywhere. They have a habit of being able to smack you out of the blue – even when you try so very hard to stop them, they are there. Red wine and rare steak, her home town on the weather map, dark hair, ice and snow…just a few of mine. Awful, I agree affairs suck. SE

    • My husband’s entire affair took place in the town he works (that’s where she lives). I was visiting him at work the other night before we got home and I had my trigger breakdown. I told him earlier that night I hate that town. Driving through it brings a sadness to my heart, a weight on my body…. I asked him if it did the same to him and he said yes. He’s working on starting a new business and exiting his current business. But it cannot happen quick enough for both of us.

  3. I know, it feels like you can’t let your guard down. The kicker is you prepare for the obvious triggers, dates and places, but its the “little” things that broadside you. But it was good that he stood by you, to witness your pain and hopefully provide some comfort.

  4. I found out about my wife and my known-forever-since-being-kids-best-friend 19 days ago. I have read every word of every post, and each post brings some insight . . . some recognition that others have understood this pain. Each day, another trigger (or, set of triggers) takes the breath out of me. Each day, I have another realization of something more that is lost. I am quite sure that I will never be the same again. I hate the hollow, bitter, shell of a person that has consumed my happy, loving personality.

    • Hi Brokenheart,
      The triggers can fill you with doubt and have the power to destroy days at a time if you let them. I know you are still in the beginning phase of discovery where the pain can be unbearable. There were days I wished someone would just end everything for me and so I didn’t have to feel anything ever again. But my kids were my light of hope and they kept me moving, going and breathing. There were many days I shut the door and cried alone in my bed but those days somehow end and you step into the next phase. Beating the triggers is a very difficult process. Keep talking to your wife and let her know what you need. I often wonder how my husband would have dealt with everything if the roles had been reversed. I am not sure if it would have been worse or the same? Just keep talking, go to therapy if you need a neutral party there to help.
      It’s hard to release the bitterness and not let it consume you. I remember feeling like I was not going to let my husband’s actions take away the happiness inside me. It was a conscious decision and I had to fight for it. But you didn’t make the decision to have an affair–she did–and you cannot allow that to change you for the worse.
      All the best…

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