Scratching the surface


Laying in bed next to my husband we begin talking about how the passion in our relationship had been rekindled. I began to tell him I couldn’t imagine having another lover, ever. I actually said (without thought):

I could never recreate the intimacy we share. The comfort level I have with you. I can’t imagine asking a man to…

My voice trailed off as I realized he had shared intimate details of our sex life with his AP. I realized he had shared one detail with her and asked her if she had ever tried it. She said no. Then a week later [you will NEVER believe this–sarcasm should be noted] she said he could try it with her. According to my husband she laid on the bed disturbingly motionless and quiet but afterwards said she enjoyed it. (Sorry for the lack of details-think 50 Shades of Grey). She never asked him to do it again and it never came up in HER emails.

Now you know the back story….. Now, there we are laying in bed and my foot is metaphorically being inserted into my mouth.

I start to talk to him about him trying to bring an element of our sexual relationship into the affair. He says, well, she asked me to do it. She wanted to try it. I realize at this point:

Men have NO idea.

We start to talk and I explain how a female brain works. I explain to him, you told her you are into this and have done it before (obviously with your wife-the woman she wants to replace in your life). So she realizes if she wants to make you happy in bed she must try this… Whether or not she likes it–she will do it to please you.

My husband was not turned on by her response to their kinky foreplay and he never asked or tried to do it to her again. But, until yesterday my husband believed that because she had sex with him afterwards she must have liked it. What? Sometimes I wonder about my husband, he’s a smart man and we are usually on the same wavelength. But I am seriously beginning to believe the saying that Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus. I look at him and tell him that if a woman lays there unresponsive to the foreplay, it means she probably is just letting you do it and she is feeling sad, upset or just not into it. He never before realized that a woman would just let a man have sex with her regardless of what she felt or wanted.


I tell him about a time in my life I cried during sex. I knew the relationship I was in needed to end-it was over-but I hadn’t had the courage to walk away yet. I laid there letting my boyfriend have sex with me… Crying. He never knew or saw. I faked an orgasm and rolled over.

The point is there are things about his affair that show how little he cared for her and how she was willing to do things just to keep him around. I find it interesting that he never initiated meeting up for sex. He also turned her down for sex regularly. She never turned him down because he didn’t ask for sex from her.

Men and women speak two different languages. My husband and I are constantly having conversations about what he thought was going on and what was probably going on in her head. My husband says he never wanted the sex (but yet he slept with her so what did that tell her). He says he told her she wasn’t his type and he wasn’t immediately attracted to her. He told her he would never leave his wife and family but kept driving to her house when she wanted sex. What did he think all this conveyed to her? He said he wrote I love you in his emails to her but never felt real love and compares his comments to what you say to a friend (not even a good friend). But what do you think she heard when she read those three words? Exactly. He really believed she understood where he stood and how he felt. I told him that women trust words. They try to make their partners happy and often at their own expense. My husband was so happy the relationship was over on D-Day. He actually tells me how much he just wanted his relationship to be over with her but for some reason he was waiting for her to end it. I guess the relationship was on her terms to begin with so that makes sense. In my husbands own words–he was relieved the affair was over. He was relieved to have her out of his life. He actually had grown to hate her because she would not listen to him every time he told her he loved his wife and family.

I guess it amazes me that he didn’t realize until talking to me how his AP really felt about him. He was so involved in his own thoughts and feelings that he thought hers were the same as his. He thought when the affair ended her feelings would disappear. He believed she didn’t really love him (or care for him) and that he was just filling the void from her ex-husband. He felt like he was just filling a gap until she could stand on her own… Men really don’t get it. They don’t get that if you tell a woman you love her they think you do. They think that if you tell them you miss her–you want to be with her.

So I’ve been teaching my husband how to speak Venus. Well, it doesn’t matter because he’s never allowed to have a female friend again. Never allowed to let a woman open up to him or tell him her secrets and fears. I could kill him for trying to be a friend to Bat-Shit Crazy.


6 thoughts on “Scratching the surface

  1. Mr. Baker did/felt the same. Especially with Lourdes. SHe was very much in love with him. He was most definitely NOT. But yet had a hard time ending it because of the circumstances of how the affair began. Idiots.

  2. Ugh. This definitely speaks to me. I unfortunately discovered the affair via text messages. The OW (Opportunistic Whore, right? 🙂 ) made some comment about if he ever left me, to not let her be a factor in his decision. That he had “much more at stake” than her. SO GLAD SHE WAS SO THOUGHTFUL. Ugh. I had to explain to him that he thought she was just talking, but she truly believed they had a chance. Her statements were obvious to me because I’m another woman. She was digging to see if we would ever get divorced. She was trying to look like the good guy. He was clueless or he was deciding to be clueless. D Day was 13 days ago and I’m still in a fog of anger, despair and confusion. The best part? They work together! Currently! See each other 5 days a week. He doesn’t understand why I think the OW is just biding time until he’s weak again. What a mess.

    • Five days! I hope you are doing okay. The first few days, weeks, months are a fog to me. It’s very difficult knowing they work together, especially when the trust you once shared has been destroyed. Immediately after D-Day I mandated my husband have zero contact with his AP. He called her to end things and asked her to not come to his place of business while he was there. She was agreeable to everything. I think she thought he would change his mind though. Months later, I was at my husband’s place of business with him and we looked out the window and her car was backing out of the parking lot. The parking lot I had just walked through with my children and I know I walked right in front of her minivan without noticing it was hers. I told the therapist about how this incident really freaked me out. I was shaken and I felt like I couldn’t trust her. My therapist asked me why I couldn’t trust my husband and what if Bat Shit was at his business. I realized how little control I have over Bat Shit’s actions and even my husband’s. But what I did realize is that my husband was willing to give me complete transparency. I had the choice to believe what I was experiencing, seeing and feeling or succumb to my fears. All this said, it’s much more difficult to trust in the beginning. If your husband can give you what you need to trust him–then tell him what you need. Even if those needs change day-to-day (and they may) tell him. Communication and honesty is key to rebuilding your relationship after an affair. Keep talking. You are no more of a mess than any of us were in the beginning. I promise.

  3. They don’t know is the truest part of any affair. They DON’T know. I don’t know how they don’t. But they don’t. My husband’s AP was also having a “difficult time” with her soon to be ex husband and he still doesn’t realize that she latched onto him because he’s “a nice guy”. Well of course she’s latched onto you! Who would you want to be with? Someone that cheats and threatens you or the guy that listens to how hard your day was? I feel we could work this out EXCEPT she’s pregnant and claiming it’s his. My life is in shambles and I don’t think it can ever be normal again.

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