Should we?


I am in need of some advice from all of you. I never sent that letter to my husband’s AP. I realized that she wouldn’t actually hear what I was saying and the intention of my letter may have been lost on her. I am over the letter but I still feel like my husband never got the last word in with her.

When he called her after D-Day to tell her it was OVER–she wouldn’t let him talk. She said something to the nature of: I won’t call you or go to your business when you are there. I will not communicate with you, etc, etc, etc. It really bothered me that she didn’t allow my husband to be the one to say everything. It didn’t bother my husband at the time but once I explained that the affair began on her terms and now it ended with her not allowing you to have control–I feel like she did that intentionally. To take away his power.

For the most part all communication did end, EXCEPT for one thing. My husband’s business has an association with the business she works for and she sends out all email correspondences for this business. My husband removed his email address from the automatic mass email list but his AP continues to add his name on email invitations to meetings and events. We have his email set up to filter out these emails and delete them. But we still see that they are coming in–and sometimes on a daily basis or more.

So the other night after cleaning out the filtered emails from her I asked my husband is it possible to send her a nasty email about why the F*** she is still including his name on her email list? We went through all our options and tried to find out if we could have all her emails automatically returned to her but it doesn’t look like gmail will do that. Unless one of you can help me out?

So the question is should my husband and I craft an email response to her that gets across the point that he doesn’t want to see any emails from her in his inbox/trash/spam/etc ever again? We came up with a short, three sentence email that got the point across in a tone that could not be confused with anything else but the underlying message: I HATE YOU.

Or is it best to just let it go?

As a side note, I haven’t googled his AP or checked anything online about her in almost two weeks. I am trying to not let her bother me. But I think it is worth noting at Christmas I found a pin of hers on Pinterest that seemed to be directed at me (even my husband agreed it looked that way). It was a quote about if you feel the need to talk about other people you must be insecure. It wasn’t the quote that got me it was her comment under the pin that was directed at me. I can’t recall exactly but she said but she said something like: “If you feel the need to put me down you must recognize your own shortcomings and why he needed me.” The comment obviously made me upset but my husband was amazing the way he reacted and comforted me. He assured me that I have never had any shortcomings and it was him that fell short. But he was also angered that his AP doesn’t seem to recognize the pain she has already inflicted on me and our family. She doesn’t seem to be remorseful or have any guilt for her part in the affair. I think it was a big AHA moment. Because he realized who she really is inside and how fooled he was by her always saying she cared about me and our children (she even said this to me in an email after d-day). It doesn’t excuse his choices–but she is evil. Sometimes I just want her heart to break and hurt like she caused mine.


17 thoughts on “Should we?

  1. Oh I know the temptation is great, but really the best thing to do here is nothing. It is one of the hardest things, and I have so wanted to send emails, letters and all sorts to my husband’s AP. But if you can, doing nothing will be the best response you can give her. By getting no reaction she doesn’t know it is having an effect on you or your husband. It may be driving you to absolute distraction but she doesn’t know that. If you respond in any way to her then she knows she is still getting to you and she will see that as a victory.

    I would have thought her stupid pintrest comment was probably designed to get some reaction as well. I can’t remember who it was who said it – someone wiser than me – but the best revenge against an AP is living well and making them realise they have no place in your or your husband’s life. It takes the patience and control of a saint (I know I have been there) but it gets to them far more to think they are a complete nonsense and not part of your lives any more. The are so unimportant you have moved on and left them where they belong, far behind you (even when you don’t really feel like that!)

    • And as for making her feel something like the pain you have been through – they are just not capable of feeling, otherwise they would not go after other people’s husbands. My husband’s AP sent a text last November wanting to know whether I was ok? She must think I have dropped off the nearest christmas tree if she thinks either me or my husband don’t know this is absolute rubbish, she cares about no-one other than herself. Your husband’s AP will be the same, the supposed caring attitude (which quickly slips when their mask slips off and our husband’s see them for what they really are) is just another tool to try and manipulate. Good luck.

      • I knew if I asked I would get some great advice on how to handle this. My husband keeps assuring me that silence is the best medicine but I get so angry.

        Reading your comments made me feel empowered. Thank you!

    • I was considering this too but I think it may be difficult because my husband uses only one email account for work and personal use. There may be a way around the situation without her knowing it came from either of us. He’s assigned his assistant to deal with her business crap.

  2. I understand the urge. AP#1 and AP#2 never heard my husband say that their affairs and they were a mistake. That he regrets hurting me. That he would change it all if he could. And that stings still.

    But like surviving says, it wouldn’t matter. They aren’t capable of feeling. And regardless of how much we wish they would, they never will. But they WILL know that we still care, that we still hurt and that would give them satisfaction in our pain. Don’t give that to her.

    I’m so glad that your husband was there for you and comforted you. That’s great progress.

  3. I agree with all the girls, don’t do anything. If you e-mail her she’ll know she’s pushing your buttons, why give her that power? I also would not be telling my husband that you’re looking at her pinterest account or looking at anything of her’s online. Do you really want your husband to know that this woman is still thinking about him and trying to hurt you? If you must stalk do it on the down low. I’m not saying lie about it…. more of a don’t ask don’t tell. If you must look!

    • I am not good at keeping anything from my husband. Even if I didn’t tell him now–eventually it would bother me and come out. He doesn’t think she ever really cared for him and he tends to think she is doing it just to hurt me. Who knows?

  4. She IS doing this to hurt you. She LOST, and now she’s SPITEFUL! Don’t give her a millisecond of recognition EVER AGAIN!

    • We were able to settle this without any contact with her. One of his coworkers took over the duties to the APs organization and the coworker also communicated that the AP should only contact her from now on (not my husband). She must have gotten the point because everything stopped immediately. Thank goodness. My husband had to close down his LinkedIn account because she kept going to his page every other day. He didn’t “have” to do it–but for my sanity he did. Thankfully….

      • We are at this point now. I found out about the affair through a letter to me from the AP. it was written with faux sincerity and designed for maximum impact. I too feel like it started and ended with her and it is killing me that she thinks he loved her a wanted to leave me for her. It is also killing him that she spoke on his behalf and he wants to rectify that to help us move on and remove her, as much as is realistic, from our recovery…to help us recover. I am apprehensive about it though. I totally agree about leaving it and not letting her think she is important and that is why I didn’t respond as it would be pointless and lowering myself to her seedy level. However, my husband seems keen, I have seen it referred up as a non contact letter…what do you think?

        Ps the Pinterest comment is dreadful and I am so pleased that you husband can see her for who she really is.

      • I just read thrugh both your comments and it’s crazy to me to think how predatory these women are and like you said–without us even having a clue. I had met her and was completely non-threatened by her because she is not my husband’s type (looks, personality, anything) and I didn’t feel she was even good looking. What I didn’t account for in all of this was that she wanted to break my husband and prey upon my life. She was persistant and she knew exactly what to say at all times to keep the affair going. My husband is struggling to answer why he let it go on for so long if he was aware that he didn’t want any part of it. I think it’s because she knew how to play him like a fiddle.
        She even contacted me about a month after d-day to tell me to stop any contact with her ex-husband–and the only time I had contacted him was the day after D-Day to tell him the truth. I wish I had kept her emails but, at the time, their existence was too painful. Now I realize that I could read them so much more clearly now. She worded thing perfectly to my husband to get the exact outcome she desired. It’s sick.
        I hope you are feeling better… everything comes in waves, right? I hope your husband is doing everything he can to help you heal too. {{Hugs}}

  5. Need advice I’m struggling so damn much right now. My story is far to long and depressing to share right now but i feel like I’m being stalked by my husbands AP. After the truth came out she turned her attentions to me instead of him. She started by sending every email that they shared, included pictures of them in bed. She then went on a Facebook campaign posting every place they went restaurants, concerts etc… She had pictures of the inside of my house posted. As you all know it was so hard not to look and obsess about what might be posted next. I finally got the strength up to block everything I could think of but then Christmas she sent my 12 year old daughter pictures on Instagram. Jan 21 it will be a year since I found out and a year that in trying to figure out if I could save my marriage and hold my family together she’s waged this war against me. I’ve been married almost 26 years when the affair started she thinks I took away the life she thought she deserved to have, doesn’t she realize she tried to steal something that we had built together. Anyway new crisis anyone familiar with Pinterest? Well today I had pins sent to me from her she has a board on her site “called truths for you” that bitch doesn’t stop. I’m at the end of my rope I think there is a chance she could really hurt my kids or me. I’m hurting so much from the affair but can’t concentrate on healing with this going on. Please help!

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