The past two days I’ve been emotional. Crying out of the blue. Having to hold myself together in front of friends, family and at work. But this afternoon while driving to the grocery store I called my husband.
I said: “I just don’t know what to do.”
He responded: “You don’t sound good. What do you mean?”
I took a deep breath in as I felt tears begin to fill my eyes. In my head I was trying to form lucid thoughts but the words weren’t forming. I knew I needed to tell him because I could hear the worry in his voice, wondering why I was upset.
At four months from D-Day I would say I am making good progress. I have more good days than bad. My husband and I are able to talk about any issue, question or topic with honesty. He listens to me. I listen to him. Our love for each other is still thriving. We spend time together, we laugh together and we appreciate each other. So why am I so sad???
My biggest fear is not being able to get over the loss of our pre-affair marriage. I feel like our marriage was darn near perfect. He even told this to the therapist during our first session. My husband has a hard time realizing that what he did destroyed the marriage we had. Our relationship now is a restructuring of our old relationship, but it will never be the same. It can’t by it’s very nature.
While I was sitting in the parking lot of the grocery store I began to cry and tell him this fear. I began to tell him how I am still upset that the kids and I weren’t reason enough for him to not start the affair. I always thought my husband was confident, trustworthy and his self-esteem was magnetic. All that was thrown out the window in the wake of D-Day. I am still disgusted that he was literally teaching our children about the characteristics of being a man last year but was not living out any of these ideals (honest, trustworthy, loyal, etc).
After that statement, he said: “Do you really feel like you and the kids aren’t enough for me?”
I paused, thinking before I responded: “Not now. Not today. But yes, I truly believe that we weren’t enough for you during your affair. You lied to all of our faces. You didn’t consider your role as a man, husband and father when you entered into a relationship with her. You lied to us and you didn’t think we deserved the truth. You disregarded us and your role in our lives.”
He was silent. I know my words hit him hard and it probably wasn’t fair because he was at work. But I guess I am not really concerned about fair. My fear is never getting over the loss of the marriage we had… And today I was reading fellow blogger My Husband Cheated After 12 Years‘ entry and it hit me that I may never get over this. I may live the rest of my life with this sadness. Our marriage may be stronger than it has ever been. He may be a better husband now with a greater understanding of my needs. I may be a better wife than I have been for the first twelve years of our marriage. But I fear mourning our pre-affair marriage permanently.
I really hope this pain will recede. I need to focus on the marriage we are building and recognize that we are stronger now. Perfect is not an option. Strong is.