Sometimes I forget he ever cheated and then I hit a wall.

loveyThe first half of my weekend was filled with a blizzard–kids home from school, I was preparing for a long weekend possibly without power, all while having some hot sex with my husband. In fact, we joked that if I wasn’t on birth control we would probably be pregnant by the end of the blizzard. We kept settling the kids to play video games or watch a movie and then we’d run off to the bedroom for some kinky, raw sex. Each time I felt his hands on my hips, thrusting harder into my body I was pushed beyond euphoria. At one point during the Friday evening I realized that I forgot he had an affair. Even when I reminded myself, I let it go and still felt calm and happy. I just read about the female orgasm and a study done in the Netherlands. Apparently, when the clitoris becomes stimulated the female begins to shut down the part of her brain that controls anxiety and fear and when she climaxes all emotional activity in the brain shuts down completely. Now it’s all making sense to me. My husband and I had sex six times between Friday morning and Saturday morning (a twenty-four hour period). I was elated, on top of the world. I was not only happy–I was super horny. I could not wait for him to touch me again. Tease me. Punish me. My mind was racing with fantasies and I was telling him all of them… .

But then on Saturday the daily chores kicked in and we had to shovel out of the ten feet of snow in our yard. We went outside to clear the driveway and un-bury our cars (we aren’t lucky enough to have a garage). The kids were playing in the neighborhood with their friends–sledding, trekking around, climbing the snow banks–enjoying the mountain of snow. When we finished shoveling, we headed back inside and I made some coffee and cocoa. I wanted to snuggle up together and watch a movie. My husband said he would sit with me but he had to do work while we watched the movie. It was now seven hours since the last time we had sex. Seven hours doesn’t seem like a long time but, remember, we were snowed in all weekend. We made dinner and ate with the kids enjoying each other’s stories from the day. So the night went on and my husband went back to his work with me laying at his side helping him go over some marketing materials. But he wasn’t making a move on me, he seemed content to work and make love later.

fear

When eleven o’clock arrived I was irritable and the fear began to set in. I started asking questions about the OW and him. And then I found something out that I didn’t know. He told me that before their relationship became physical and he believed it was a friendship they discussed her ending marriage. I may have already mentioned this but she asked him if he was happy in  his marriage. He told the OW that he was very happy but if he had one complaint it was that our sex life had decreased through the years. At this time, we were having sex only 2-3 times a month and while I admit this is not enough–I do believe it is completely normal to go through highs and lows in a marriage. I thought it was because we were both too busy and exhausted and needed to make more time. My husband believed this was how our sex life would be for the rest of our lives (he says he was okay with it but missed the days when I was friskier). Let me point out–he never told me any of this. But he told her. What I didn’t know that I found out last night is that she began to ask him every time she saw him:

Were you and your wife intimate this weekend?

It was a common question for her to ask him and he didn’t feel at all strange about telling her if we had sex or not. I felt violated finding out this piece of information. That some woman who was interested in my husband had full knowledge of when I was having sex with him. I don’t even tell my best friend this information–maybe I tell her a few times a year–but never do I reveal our calendar of sex to anyone. And if someone asked me–I don’t even know if I would tell the truth or if I would tell them to mind their own business. He told her the truth every time. He says he told her to make her realize that we were having sex. I told him that she was not going to be deterred by our sex life–she was now knowledgable about something highly personal in our lives. She had inserted herself into our bedroom. And without him even realizing it, it was now affecting our sex life in a negative manner. I don’t have a calendar of our sexual activity but I can tell you it began to diminish even more and throughout his sexual affair.

He also revealed that one of her conditions was him telling her if he had sex with me. He says that he never outright told her that we had sex but that she always figured it out. He claims that he would retreat from their relationship and be unresponsive to phone calls, text messages and emails and then she would ask him: “Did you have sex with your wife?” He maintained he only told her the truth to let her know that he was being intimate with me–because he claims he constantly told her that he loved me. He claimed he hoped that her knowing we were having sex would make her stop offering it to him.

I started crying. I looked my husband in the eye and told him that it’s amazing that her condition was knowing if or when we were intimate but he is married to me. My expectation in our marriage is that if he was ever intimate with another woman he would tell me. I deserved the knowledge of where his penis had been–NOT HER! I asked him if he ever thought that he didn’t need to answer her gd questions and he said he felt like if he was honest it would turn her off and she would leave.

I realize that men don’t understand women. I realize men are clueless. But when I explained to him that the knowledge of our sex life may at first be hurtful to her it became a tool for her to manipulate him too. If she knew when we were having sex then she could try to control that from not happening by offering him more sex. She knew he wanted more sex–that was his only complaint about our marriage, right? So if she offers him more sex than I do–she might win him, right?

Well, it was a good try Bat-Shit, but you didn’t steal my husband by offering him sex. He never wanted you and he still maintains you were a bore in the bedroom. That’s why he pictured me to orgasm–or faked one to get out of your house. And that’s why he couldn’t get an erection sometimes–even with your mouth sucking his cock he couldn’t get an erection. That has NEVER happened to us. 

I was angry and I felt violated. I am trying to move past the brick wall that was dropped on my head last night. I guess finding out these details isn’t a game-changer… I just wonder where my husband’s judgment was when he was involved with her–telling her when and if we were intimate.

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13 thoughts on “Sometimes I forget he ever cheated and then I hit a wall.

  1. It’s happened to me too. During the hysterical bonding phase I’d completely forget this is the same man who destroyed me by having sex with other women. We did similar to you guys, we’d had sex 8 times in 2 days at a beachfront hotel. It was estacy, and then we left and went back to questions, hurt and reality. The hysterical bonding lasted over a year for us.

    Its been 15 months and every once in awhile I’ll think, fuck it I don’t care that he cheated, he can’t take it back, there’s nothing I can do to change that it happened, I can only move forward. And then wham I’ll think I can’t do this, he cheated on me over and over, he gave a whore what was supposed to only ever be mine for the rest of our lives. The extreme swing in emotions is normal. Life as you knew it has been altered you have to redefine your marriage. You have to understand why the affair happened and prevent it from ever happening again. That’s going to cause a wide range of emotion.

    All the things you said your husband would tell the AP, those are perfect examples of why men and women can’t be friends.

    I hope your blizzard sex continues!!! Have fun!

    • I have thought your exact words–there is nothing I can do but move forward if I want to make this marriage work and then moments later I am caught up in the pain again. I am learning to let the pain come in and allow myself to hurt. I realize that I cannot move forward until the pain has been released for good.
      And yes… the blizzard sex continued. 🙂

  2. I feel your frustration. I was doing so well, then WHAM..it’s like I have been sucker punched today. I just hate this…I hate that this is my life. This is not the life I wanted…ever.

    • I hate saying:’It’s not fair,” but it isn’t… We were happy. And I don’t want this to be my life either. I guess that’s why I chose my username to be thiswillnotdefineus… because I don’t want this to be my life.

  3. We went through a brief hysterical bonding too. Even in the midst of it, I would occassionally think to myself how odd it was how I could want him so much when just a few months before he had been intimate with the ow. The hysterical bonding phase does end, and the questions and memory of his affair comes back. You must resolve these issues to move forward. I wish you the best in your healing process.

  4. This seems to be going around this week. I, too, have stretches where I forget, and then minutes later, can’t get the images out of my head. Sometimes, i tell him it’s not fair that this is my life and I had no say in it, but then I remember how far we’ve come in 8 months. Small steps, but we’re all moving forward.

  5. Your story is so similar to mine, but beautifully put. How did you deal with the outrage at the other woman? My husband works with the OW and set her up in a consultancy business through out the affair, she has jobs with the company that will continue for years. H has done all he can to step out, but I am filled with rage that she continues to profit, and blind with jealousy for what they shared. H says she offered herself and he succumbed, then feared a bunny boiler reaction from her. They were off and on for 7 years. He thought I wasn’t interested in sex. She meant nothing to him. He says.

    • Our stories do sound similar. My husband’s AP just started her own consultancy business but my husband didn’t help her out with that but I keep wondering what poor soul did help her. I still have moments when I am angry at Bat Shit (the OW). I still fantacize about sitting down with her and breaking her. But then I remember that she doesn’t operate on the same emotional playing field as a healthy, normal human. She targeted my husband and fed him lies to get what she wanted. It helps me to believe that she’ll never probably remarry or have anything close to what I have (which is probably true). Her life will play out the way it’s meant to be (hopefully, miserably). But it’s an every day meditation to keep my mental focus on me and not her life, business, etc.
      I remember talking to my therapist once about being worried about Bat Shit going to my husband’s business and my therapist asked me why? I was shocked by her question because in my head I thought–everyone knows the first rule is no contact, right? But what she meant was that the affair is over and I have to trust that my husband will deal with everything appropriately if he has to. Easier said than done.

      • Thank you so much. Not the same emotional playing field is very good to remember; along with karma. My mantra is that what they had was fantasy, I am real. He and I are real. The waste of time was more hers than mine, as he loved me in his crippled fashion and we are mending together. He himself says there is no comparison with mindless sex and sex with with someone you love. Good luck and bless us all!

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