Sh!t that bothers me.

frustrationDo you know what bothers me? Is that here we are… the betrayed spouses, the wayward spouses and even a few affair partners… on WordPress and roaming the internet together. We are doing the work. Trying to figure out how our seemingly perfect marriages now include stories of betrayal, lies and secrets. Here we sit checking our in-boxes or notifications wondering which anonymous WordPress friend has written us a message of hope or words of advice.

It bothers me that sharing my experience will probably never prevent a spouse from cheating.  In the end, my words may comfort another betrayed spouse but she won’t go looking  for them until her D-Day arrives. Who looks for advice on how to prevent an affair when they are in love with their spouse and happy. Who goes looking for advice before they choose to have an affair?  Maybe I shouldn’t worry or be bothered by the man out there who is playing with fire, befriending a female co-worker and hiding it from his wife. Maybe I shouldn’t be concerned about the wife who is trusting her husband so much that she never checks  his cell phone account for usage, or his email account on occasion or stops by his office on a whim. But I do worry. If an affair could happen in my marriage, it could happen to anyone.

It bothers me that I only learned after my husband’s affair that the biggest vulnerability was believing that infidelity would never happen to us. I thought if you love one another and enjoy each other, your spouse will never stray. I thought that true love meant there would never be deception. I believed my husband would never be involved sexually with another woman because he was so physically, emotionally and intellectually attracted to me. I believed that we shared the same values and morals and that meant lies, cheating and adultery did not exist in our lives.

It bothers me that I cannot escape the incessant conversation in my head about my husband’s affair. Remember before your D-Day and you could live in each moment of your day? I remember the happiness I felt and the way I loved my husband without thought. Now my brain is running 24/7 with questions, fears, anxieties, mistrust and loathing. All qualities I now hate about myself. Even if I feel a moment of happiness, I then start to think about my new normal–being aware of happiness despite my inner pain and struggle. The roller coaster conversation in my brain is exhausting. I hate driving in the car alone and talking to myself about the aftermath of his infidelity.

It bothers me that my husband’s character is marred and our marriage is scarred. No matter how we come out of this mess, the story remains in our lives. She becomes part of our marriage–the person who challenged us to love each other and strengthen our marriage? Or the person who destroyed it? At this point, I believe we will make it through. We love each other and my husband is doing the work and trying to live an honest life, true to his beliefs and values. He is exploring his weaknesses and how he ended up in a situation he did not want to be in with this woman. But regardless of what he learns, the story remains the same.

It bothers me that I have to talk about this shit every fucking day. Seriously. If I don’t talk about my feelings and fears with my husband then they take on a life of their own. It pisses me off that this Bat-Shit Crazy woman has one second of a thought in my brain. People I hate should not take up space in my mind. Why do I continue to brainstorm ideas of how I could screw up her life? Why am I such a good person that I will never carry them out. I believe in karma and I don’t want any bad karma in my life. I am hoping that some day it will end. This affair will not define me, my husband or our marriage. But right now, it feels like a shadow I cannot escape.

I could keep going but I am exhausted just thinking about my list of frustrations.

bothers

311 thoughts on “Sh!t that bothers me.

  1. This is a wonderful post. I could relate to every word. Thank you for sharing. Sometimes, it’s nice to know we aren’t the only ones feeling this way (though I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone).

  2. This totally hit home with me tonight. I’m sitting here in tears wishing this pain inside would end. The fact is, it is apart of our story now and the innocence of my marriage is forever lost. I wish I knew how to restore that trust and security so then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so bad.

    • Restoring trust and security takes time. I hated when people would say “time heals all wounds” to me. I still don’t know that my would will ever disappear completely but it’s lessened over time. You will find strength in all of this weakness and pain. Your marriage is forever changed but you can rebuild. You can build the marriage you want and deserve.

  3. Like so many others here, it is now 2 years this month since my 9-11 DAY! No, I am still not healed completely. Final outcome. Will I be? Future’s question. ANSWER: UNKNOWN at this moment – TODAY. Why? Because it’s all I have – TODAY!

    Just like the song “Que Sera Sera” (sung by Doris Day) ‘Que Sera Sera. Whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours to see. Ques Sera Sera. What will be, will be.’ (Oh and yes, you can find the song and the lyrics on-line. LOL.)

    Here is what I do KNOW TODAY!

    I will consciously remind myself to STOP RESISTING my pain, my agony…when it happens! I will FEEL each moment and let it flow over, in and through me! ACCEPT it … for now! GO with it .. for now!

    REPEAT OUT LOUD … NOT my MIND … VERBALIZE … SAY IT! JUST DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    CRY! YELL! SCREAM!!

    “I am ANGRY that after 2 years I STILL FEEL the betrayal, the heartache, the anguish, the LOSS .. TODAY!!” … over and over and over and over and over and over …. again and again and again and again and again ………………….. UNTIL … I can go NO MORE!!! …. I am exhausted … spent … no MORE!!! …….. then ….Then ….THen … THEn …. THEN!!!

    RELEASE!!!!!!

    I AM LOVING ME! I AM TAKING CARE OF ME!! I AM IMPORTANT!!! I AM LOVED!!!! I MATTER!!!!!!!!

    AND THEN …………………………

    I CHOOSE to THINK about SAY OUT LOUD if I CHOOSE TO…. ALL the TRUE, the NOBLE, the JUST, the PURE, the LOVELY things (Phil 4:8) .. the GOOD … the BLESSINGS I still DO HAVE and am SO THANKFUL for – my health, all of my toes, legs, arms, body, arms, hands, fingers, ears, eyes, mouth, nose, … each part of MY BODY!!! … to feel, to hear, to see, to taste, to breath!!! …… the softness of my favorite blanket … the sound of the chirping and twittering of the birds, the humming of my fridge, the radio ….. the amazing, changing, fleeting sunrise, the snow on the ground, the deep, rich green of the magnificent, majestic evergreen standing strong, reaching upward and outward in my yard, the taste of fresh baked cinnamon buns, the warm, flavor of my first morning cup of coffee, the smell of my morning coffee brewing….. air to breath, food to eat for breakfast, the clock to tell me..WOW…it’s getting late… not too hot and not too cold water to shower and brush my teeth…. clothes in different colors to choose to wear….. the sound of the neighbor’s car driving away for TODAY…. a prayer to my family and friends… each and every one … to have a safe, sunshine, rewarding, fulfilling day …. TODAY!!!

    Eleanor Roosevelt – ‘A woman is like a tea bag, you never know how strong it is until it’s in hot water.”

    My grateful THANK YOU to this site for being a thought … then an action to make it available to me to share my journey and to each and every one of you who have posted and those who have simply read and in some small or GREAT way have been given comfort and hope that TODAY YOU are not ALONE! We are ALL here for ALL of YOU! Just a few “clicks” away!!

    Dr Steve Maraboli – “There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself, comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty.’

    I pray this for EACH and EVERY one of US Strong, Beautiful, Perfect Imperfect Teabags!!!

    May God Bless and Keep You
    FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY MADE!
    You are LOVED!
    You are IMPORTANT!
    You MATTER!

    elwidasa :)

    • thank you for your post. it’s been 16 months for me. this is my first post anywhere even though I’ve been lurking everywhere for about 16 months. I’ve been feeling kind of stuck lately working on forgiveness. mostly I’m still scared to death of my partner .he’s working very hard to restore things. after listing to you I at least feel like I’m not the only one in this retarded place but I think I should be doing much better by now but everything I’ve read says most people feel like they should be doing better its just hard as hell and really unpleasant and painful. if anyone reads this please pray for me

  4. This post could not come at a better time..as i look on the internet at 3am trying to deal wuth my husband’s numerous affairs. I am exhausted, I am so tired of this shit. I know i haven’t done anything wrong but some how I’m the one up at 3am dealing with it. I’m just thankful I’m not alone.

  5. I can’t believe how much I related to this. I found out 6 weeks ago my husband of 5 years and father of our two little boys had an affair with a work friend just after the purchase of our first real home 6 months ago. She actually lives across the street from me at the moment, which makes the internal chatter so much worse. And they still work together. And I’m the idiot that is still in love with him. Thank you for sharing your pain so that the aching part of me didn’t feel so alone for a moment. That’s a huge sacrifice for complete strangers xx thank you

    • I was about 6 months when I wrote that post. It must be extremely difficult to live across the street from her. Trust is hard but if you can manage it, then keep working at it. It gets easier with time. And the bond you will build with your husband to overcome this will make you stronger.

  6. My husband said just those words…she meant nothing .I do not buy any of that…she meant enough to lie..betray me.
    Wonder why they all have the same excuse…

  7. They are just weak and because they think it is the easy way out and they seem to think that will make us feel better!! emotionally they are unable to process the fact that it is the worst thing to say, as it belittles us and the marriage. I for one know that my husband thought that if he told his family that, that it would make the affair ” excusable “. and you know what in his case it worked. His family have totally stuck by him and told me to ” relax”!!! He has not opened up to me to at all and has brushed aside any reading material i have given him to read. emotionally he has totally shut down! The worst thing of all, for me is that he still works with her!! I want out but have nowhere to go and two children!! I hate him for the fact that he has made it seem like no big thing and yet my life is turned upside down and i am an emotional wreck!!

  8. Well it’s been just about 13 weeks since my D Day,we have spent so much time together weekend away, a holiday for 2 weeks and I still bought up his affair. But 1 morning this week when I got up I decided to write him a letter outline my thoughts and pain, phoned him in work and took it to him. He read it in front of me and a few time through the day he still has it in his works bag. But what a relief this weight has lifted off my shoulders I wish I had done it weeks ago, I now feel 100 times better. We go on hoildays in March on a Caribbean Cruise and have decided to renew our wedding vows. I’m now looking forward and not back, it can still be hard but I think I have turned the corner and we now have a marriage again.

  9. I spent two years wotking on saving our marriage.He begged..went to counseling over a year and a half.Has done it all to change..

    Bottom line..he cannot change what he did…

  10. Moira, I pray that you will get a job or something to do that will facilitate a move. For your own soul sake, this man does not deserve you. He still works with the bitch, then the affair is not over……its the first thing that counsellors tell you, get yourself the hell away !! full stop. If he is comfortable with that, he doesn’t care that he continues to hurt you. May he has Aspergers disease, they can’t connect emotionally with those that they are supposed to love, and they continue to hurt them by what they say and do, its like to continue to beat a person with a rock. But girl, you have to do what is RIGHT for you, don’t let anyone continue to disparage you or make you feel depressed or less than who you are. You have to continue to be strong for your kids and they deserve a momma who is there for them. He is not your destination child, he is part of the journey but definately not the destination. Determine what you want, not what he can give you, but what you want, and go for it. You live in a country where that can happen. My love and prayers are with you. I have overcome because after 13 years, I still don’t love my husband, I live with him and he is just now NOW learning what it is to be a husband and trying so hard, but I have my distance and watch him. He will never make me love him again, but whatever he can give me, support, money, time, I deserve it so I will take it and let God deal with him. He is no longer my problem, but it took 13 years girl, 13 years, so love yourself through this. You deserve the best life has to offer.

    Blessings

  11. It happened. Yes it really did. No matter what he says to ‘Make’ you accept it didn’t mean anything. It did to him at the time. Why do they think that loving the person they love most in the world makes what they did OK. It’s crap. Maybe it meant nothing to them but it kills the person who loves them. Hugs to you Andrea. x

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