Sh!t that bothers me.

frustrationDo you know what bothers me? Is that here we are… the betrayed spouses, the wayward spouses and even a few affair partners… on WordPress and roaming the internet together. We are doing the work. Trying to figure out how our seemingly perfect marriages now include stories of betrayal, lies and secrets. Here we sit checking our in-boxes or notifications wondering which anonymous WordPress friend has written us a message of hope or words of advice.

It bothers me that sharing my experience will probably never prevent a spouse from cheating.  In the end, my words may comfort another betrayed spouse but she won’t go looking  for them until her D-Day arrives. Who looks for advice on how to prevent an affair when they are in love with their spouse and happy. Who goes looking for advice before they choose to have an affair?  Maybe I shouldn’t worry or be bothered by the man out there who is playing with fire, befriending a female co-worker and hiding it from his wife. Maybe I shouldn’t be concerned about the wife who is trusting her husband so much that she never checks  his cell phone account for usage, or his email account on occasion or stops by his office on a whim. But I do worry. If an affair could happen in my marriage, it could happen to anyone.

It bothers me that I only learned after my husband’s affair that the biggest vulnerability was believing that infidelity would never happen to us. I thought if you love one another and enjoy each other, your spouse will never stray. I thought that true love meant there would never be deception. I believed my husband would never be involved sexually with another woman because he was so physically, emotionally and intellectually attracted to me. I believed that we shared the same values and morals and that meant lies, cheating and adultery did not exist in our lives.

It bothers me that I cannot escape the incessant conversation in my head about my husband’s affair. Remember before your D-Day and you could live in each moment of your day? I remember the happiness I felt and the way I loved my husband without thought. Now my brain is running 24/7 with questions, fears, anxieties, mistrust and loathing. All qualities I now hate about myself. Even if I feel a moment of happiness, I then start to think about my new normal–being aware of happiness despite my inner pain and struggle. The roller coaster conversation in my brain is exhausting. I hate driving in the car alone and talking to myself about the aftermath of his infidelity.

It bothers me that my husband’s character is marred and our marriage is scarred. No matter how we come out of this mess, the story remains in our lives. She becomes part of our marriage–the person who challenged us to love each other and strengthen our marriage? Or the person who destroyed it? At this point, I believe we will make it through. We love each other and my husband is doing the work and trying to live an honest life, true to his beliefs and values. He is exploring his weaknesses and how he ended up in a situation he did not want to be in with this woman. But regardless of what he learns, the story remains the same.

It bothers me that I have to talk about this shit every fucking day. Seriously. If I don’t talk about my feelings and fears with my husband then they take on a life of their own. It pisses me off that this Bat-Shit Crazy woman has one second of a thought in my brain. People I hate should not take up space in my mind. Why do I continue to brainstorm ideas of how I could screw up her life? Why am I such a good person that I will never carry them out. I believe in karma and I don’t want any bad karma in my life. I am hoping that some day it will end. This affair will not define me, my husband or our marriage. But right now, it feels like a shadow I cannot escape.

I could keep going but I am exhausted just thinking about my list of frustrations.



321 thoughts on “Sh!t that bothers me.

  1. This is a wonderful post. I could relate to every word. Thank you for sharing. Sometimes, it’s nice to know we aren’t the only ones feeling this way (though I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone).

  2. This totally hit home with me tonight. I’m sitting here in tears wishing this pain inside would end. The fact is, it is apart of our story now and the innocence of my marriage is forever lost. I wish I knew how to restore that trust and security so then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so bad.

    • Restoring trust and security takes time. I hated when people would say “time heals all wounds” to me. I still don’t know that my would will ever disappear completely but it’s lessened over time. You will find strength in all of this weakness and pain. Your marriage is forever changed but you can rebuild. You can build the marriage you want and deserve.

  3. Like so many others here, it is now 2 years this month since my 9-11 DAY! No, I am still not healed completely. Final outcome. Will I be? Future’s question. ANSWER: UNKNOWN at this moment – TODAY. Why? Because it’s all I have – TODAY!

    Just like the song “Que Sera Sera” (sung by Doris Day) ‘Que Sera Sera. Whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours to see. Ques Sera Sera. What will be, will be.’ (Oh and yes, you can find the song and the lyrics on-line. LOL.)

    Here is what I do KNOW TODAY!

    I will consciously remind myself to STOP RESISTING my pain, my agony…when it happens! I will FEEL each moment and let it flow over, in and through me! ACCEPT it … for now! GO with it .. for now!



    “I am ANGRY that after 2 years I STILL FEEL the betrayal, the heartache, the anguish, the LOSS .. TODAY!!” … over and over and over and over and over and over …. again and again and again and again and again ………………….. UNTIL … I can go NO MORE!!! …. I am exhausted … spent … no MORE!!! …….. then ….Then ….THen … THEn …. THEN!!!



    AND THEN …………………………

    I CHOOSE to THINK about SAY OUT LOUD if I CHOOSE TO…. ALL the TRUE, the NOBLE, the JUST, the PURE, the LOVELY things (Phil 4:8) .. the GOOD … the BLESSINGS I still DO HAVE and am SO THANKFUL for – my health, all of my toes, legs, arms, body, arms, hands, fingers, ears, eyes, mouth, nose, … each part of MY BODY!!! … to feel, to hear, to see, to taste, to breath!!! …… the softness of my favorite blanket … the sound of the chirping and twittering of the birds, the humming of my fridge, the radio ….. the amazing, changing, fleeting sunrise, the snow on the ground, the deep, rich green of the magnificent, majestic evergreen standing strong, reaching upward and outward in my yard, the taste of fresh baked cinnamon buns, the warm, flavor of my first morning cup of coffee, the smell of my morning coffee brewing….. air to breath, food to eat for breakfast, the clock to tell me..WOW…it’s getting late… not too hot and not too cold water to shower and brush my teeth…. clothes in different colors to choose to wear….. the sound of the neighbor’s car driving away for TODAY…. a prayer to my family and friends… each and every one … to have a safe, sunshine, rewarding, fulfilling day …. TODAY!!!

    Eleanor Roosevelt – ‘A woman is like a tea bag, you never know how strong it is until it’s in hot water.”

    My grateful THANK YOU to this site for being a thought … then an action to make it available to me to share my journey and to each and every one of you who have posted and those who have simply read and in some small or GREAT way have been given comfort and hope that TODAY YOU are not ALONE! We are ALL here for ALL of YOU! Just a few “clicks” away!!

    Dr Steve Maraboli – “There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself, comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty.’

    I pray this for EACH and EVERY one of US Strong, Beautiful, Perfect Imperfect Teabags!!!

    May God Bless and Keep You
    You are LOVED!
    You are IMPORTANT!
    You MATTER!

    elwidasa 🙂

    • thank you for your post. it’s been 16 months for me. this is my first post anywhere even though I’ve been lurking everywhere for about 16 months. I’ve been feeling kind of stuck lately working on forgiveness. mostly I’m still scared to death of my partner .he’s working very hard to restore things. after listing to you I at least feel like I’m not the only one in this retarded place but I think I should be doing much better by now but everything I’ve read says most people feel like they should be doing better its just hard as hell and really unpleasant and painful. if anyone reads this please pray for me

  4. This post could not come at a better i look on the internet at 3am trying to deal wuth my husband’s numerous affairs. I am exhausted, I am so tired of this shit. I know i haven’t done anything wrong but some how I’m the one up at 3am dealing with it. I’m just thankful I’m not alone.

  5. I can’t believe how much I related to this. I found out 6 weeks ago my husband of 5 years and father of our two little boys had an affair with a work friend just after the purchase of our first real home 6 months ago. She actually lives across the street from me at the moment, which makes the internal chatter so much worse. And they still work together. And I’m the idiot that is still in love with him. Thank you for sharing your pain so that the aching part of me didn’t feel so alone for a moment. That’s a huge sacrifice for complete strangers xx thank you

    • I was about 6 months when I wrote that post. It must be extremely difficult to live across the street from her. Trust is hard but if you can manage it, then keep working at it. It gets easier with time. And the bond you will build with your husband to overcome this will make you stronger.

    • I’m in the same boat. My husband of 1 year but my partner of 17 years. Had multiple affairs 6 months into our official marriage and the purchase (my purchase) of our home. He did this with our best friend. Who happened to be in a LTR with another best friend. They moved 7 houses down and I get to see his car parked in his driveway every time I leave for work. 3 am has been a blessing! DDay was January 22, 2016, so you know, mere months of hell and I’m still pulling all nighters. Love and prayers all!

    • My husband’s affair partner lives 7 houses down. I have to see his car daily and I know what a kick in the gut it feels like everyday. One of the guys my husband cheated on me with was his employee. My husband refused to quit working with his affair partner so I feel you there too. My advice, leave! If your husband doesn’t understand the immense pain he caused you and that it still causes you, he doesn’t care about you.

  6. Everything you write is right ….Its been 1 yr and 8 months since D-Day.I actually had a D-Day 2 5 months ago. We are both in couseling, he is accountable for every move he makes and a polygraph test is scheduled for him. I can access every account. phone record, emails etc….Its the only way I can rebuild trust. I cannot ever control what he will do nor do I let him control me. However, ,as much as I love to hear him say he loves me and how sorry he is for causing me such deep, deep pain, It will take time ( alot of time, depending on the severity of his deception and acts), I’ve come to believe his ACTIONS, not WORDS. I am considered the lucky one, the blessed one, or the crazy one ( depending on who I talk to about it) but We are committed to keeping our family together through alot of patience and ALOT of prayer. It feels as if we are rediscovering each other for the first time. But, back to your frustration article, those frustrations are in my mind daily. It just gets easier to cope with in time…and we have alot of that. Stay true to yourself. You are beautiful. You are worth fighting for. I look forward to your next revelation… it helps to know we, the betrayed are not alone.

  7. i was cheated on! Lied to by my husband over 11 years with a collage student! I found them two at a restaurant after fallowing his g.p.s. Device! It was weird he was at bars at four when should be work time! He was also changed buying new clothes, Cologne never saying good bye anymore just started this job also, it happened over two weeks of time he fell out of love with me and made plans to go celebrate everything with her the most painful part was I was so loyal and there for him when he had cancer!!! Like he survived to stab me in my heart! I found them at a restaurant after a few days of research and deep gut instincts I found my man staring dead into her eyes that he didn’t even notice me in the restaurant looking and texting him and he kept sending me to voice mail that’s how focused he was on her and the week before now I know for a fact that they went out to a club or drinks everytime he claims he was with co workers he was alone with her! She’s a broke ass woman willing to hurt a marriage to get a few drinks for free on Thursdays I even got arrested for this for beating her up but she added assault robbery stupid lies to it and he actually stood there with her after my first fight ever for him! I don’t know what hurt the most him cheating or watching him give the police my address

  8. This resonates with me, what an excellent post. I especially relate to brainstorming about ways of screwing up the OW’s life but being too good of a person to carry them out. I think about it daily of confronting her, telling her how I feel, HER role in the betrayal. I try so hard to maintain my dignity and hold my head high. I believe in karma also and hope to see karma come back to haunt her. I cannot help but be honest about that. Thank you.

  9. This post is so spot on for me! I am healing but still dealing with triggers daily. And just when I start to let my guard down, I get blindsided. It sucks. It really fucking sucks. My husbands infidelity started at the gym. I found out only by snooping after having some very strong gut feelings. I have chosen not to tell anyone except one close mutual friend about it because I do want to heal and move on without having everyone’s opinion and judgement rained down on our lives. I’ve been going to counseling, which doesn’t seem to help all that much, except to help me see that this didn’t happen because of ME. It happened because of him. Because he likes the attention of pretty, fit women. But I am the one dealing with the constant aftermath in my mind. He says he is not that person anymore, that he doesn’t even recognize who he was while it was happening, so it’s easy for him to move on. It’s been almost 6 months.

    Last weekend we were at a family party and there was a beautiful young woman there none of us had ever met, a distant cousin of mine, who was wearing some nice tight pants. His favorite thing. Who does my husband sit down across from? Her. Not a big deal at first. Until an hour later he was still sitting across from her, his chair angled directly towards her. I started to trigger but kept my cool and went over to sit down next to him. He promptly put his feet on the chair next to him which was directly across from her and tell me it was broken. So I had to sit with a chair between us. He didn’t offer to move the supposedly broken chair so I could be next to him. He thought nothing of it. I only sat there a minute because I felt like I was going to explode. He could tell I was annoyed, but still didn’t get up until I snapped at him awhile later to please come take some pictures of me and my siblings together. After he did, he asked me what was wrong. The thing is, it probably was all completely innocent. But it triggered me to feel everything. All. Over. Again. In a room full of people who love me, and know nothing of his betrayal. And he was clueless. He actually got mad at me. I found out a couple days later that when my neice’s husband asked if he was still going to the gym, he said no. “Because my wife is afraid other women will look at me and she’s jealous”. REALLY??

    So this week we’ve been talking about triggers. I found a great article written by a husband that had cheated on how he was finally able to understand his wife’s triggers. But why is it ME, the hurt one, sitting here searching for hope and help, and still trying to make him understand the damage he has done is not going to just magically disappear just because he has changed his ways. I would love nothing more than to be able to just hop off this roller coaster of hell in my mind. But it seems I’m stuck on this ride. It’s getting better. And although I hate that there are others feeling the same way, I’m glad that I’m not alone or crazy for feeling this way.

    • You should kick him out. He needs a reality check. Stand up for yourself. He’s taking you for granted. He is not going to change unless you make it the only alternative. My husband did a similar thing, I worked so hard to heal, keep our family together and keep his affair a secret. When I started to feel stronger and get back to normal, he did it again. When I was strong he felt he needed outside ego boosting. We are living apart now. He says he is trying to change. I don’t really care anyone. He’s not going to hurt me again. He is not the man for me. There is no Victory in maintaining a failing marriage.

  10. I have been reading and rereading your letter to yourself and only today ventured out into the rest of your blog. I won’t lie – I was scared to read … scared to hear that you and your husband had since divorced and that the flowery “you can do this” of the letter was all bullshit. Thank you for your brutal honesty. It has helped me through the past 3 weeks … I’m 62 days past D-Day and every single day is a challenge. I wanted to comment on this post in particular as it really resonates with me. My husband wants to simply forget about the affair and to erase the memory of the OW and the affair. I told him he may be able to do that but I get to relive it every single day … and will probably for the rest of my life. But I am SO tired of it! So tired of the memory. So tired of the energy it zaps. Just so tired!

  11. Reading this was like talking out loud for me, my experience is exactly the same. I’m past the 8 month point since D-Day now and I’m generally better than I was but still think about the reality of what’s happened several (hundred) times a day. I hate, like you, that this is my reality now, that this is part of our story and that I’ll never truly be fully myself again. It brings me some comfort knowing I’m not alone in this but it also makes me incredibly sad to think how many people this blindsides on a daily basis and how that’ll never change with society being the way it is now.

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