My husband’s AP might be a sociopath.

ImagePart of trying to heal from infidelity is therapy. Before my husband’s affair I had never been to a therapist but I do believe in good therapy. A friend of mine recommended her therapist to me and after we called multiple therapists listed on-line, I found her therapist was the only one who returned our phone call. Our first appointment was a week and a half after D-Day. We both felt like our therapist was easy to talk to and asked the right questions and said the what we both needed to hear. She gave us suggestions on ways rebuild our relationship and heal from his affair.

In my life I have always taken on the role of the friend who is everyone’s safe place to open up and let down their guard. So it only makes sense that after D-Day, once I had wrapped my head around the the fact that my amazing husband had cheated, I dove into the how, the why and the how to make sure this never happened again. I read books and blogs about infidelity–just like all of you. Like most of us, my story wasn’t quite the same as anyone else’s story. So through our therapist and my listening skills, we discovered some comments from my husband that were red flags. Here are the comments we’ve flagged:

  • The friendship progressed so quickly. I felt like we went from strangers to best friends in less than a month. I figured that meant something but I didn’t know what.
  • She was constantly showering me with flattery, affection, adoration and gifts. I felt like she was so attentive to me–she really listened to me.
  • I can’t tell you much about her–her hobbies, interests, birthday, her age–I don’t know any of it. Everything she told me were things she said we had in common.
  • She claimed her ex-husband abused her emotionally. Yelling at her all the time. The end of their marriage was all his fault. She was a good wife and mother, he was the horrible one. [Yet every encounter my husband had with her husband never revealed anything of the sort. In fact, her ex-husband recently stopped by to ask my husband to treat him and his kids like everyone else if they run into each other. Their conversation was almost amicable, if you can believe that.]
  • She told me over and over that God put us in each other’s lives for a reason. We were meant to be together. We were soul-mates. It was odd.
  • I wasn’t physically attracted to her. It was her charming and charismatic personality that drew me in. I’d never met someone who was so caring immediately–from the start. She cared about me so quickly and everything she said seemed so genuine. Who would give you that much attention if they didn’t truly care?
  • I felt like if I didn’t have sex with her I was going to lose the relationship. I told her sex would ruin our friendship but she insisted on our relationship becoming physical. I never felt inclined to have sex with her throughout the entire affair. I guess I did it because she offered it to me and I felt like I didn’t want her attention for me to end.

Now here are things I noticed:

  • In just one year she sent my husband 720 emails to his “secret” account. We are talking page-long, five & six paragraph essay style emails. She also sent daily emails to his account I have access to on a regular basis. When checking his cell phone bill she called him 145 times a month. Speaking to him for about 1000 minutes a month. Sending him 350 text messages a month. Constant contact. And, I will note that nearly all the communication was done DURING normal business hours. 
  • Two weeks before their relationship became sexual she told my husband in an email:

You are going to have an affair with me. Our story is like a Hallmark movie and this is meant to be. 

  • She wasn’t shy about telling him what he was going to do. Despite him telling her that he didn’t want to have a sexual relationship. 
  • When I discovered the “secret” email account I emailed her asking her if she really cared about my husband how could she do this? How could she ask him to risk his family and relationship with his children, parents, etc? I told her to tell her husband before I did [I was unaware of their separation/divorce]. My email was brief but came from a place of pain and that was clear. Her response to me was short and simple:

I am divorced–I’m not married anymore.

  • She had no remorse. I never got an apology–not that I expected one.
  • She emailed me a month after D-Day asking ME not to contact her ex-husband with details from the affair. [I had texted him the day after D-Day to tell him of the affair.] She told me to delete all the emails in the secret account because her ex was relentless and would find the emails. What’s funny? I deleted them that night. Not because of her ex–because I was done going through them and hurting.
  • Her resume/work history is impossible. She is 36 years old with over sixteen years of professional work on her resume plus four years off to have babies. She earned two bachelors degrees from a university in two years. One of her listed degrees is not offered by the University and the other one does not allow double majors.

Image

So was I surprised when it was suggested that my husband may have been a target? No. Was I surprised when our therapist suggested my husband read more about personality disorders, specifically, sociopaths? Yes.

Image

Last night I began reading a book online about sociopaths entitled, Red Flags of Love Fraud, and my husband was silently listening to me read to him. His affair partner fits the profile in 8 out of 10 categories. In fact, their relationship is a text book example of the way a sociopath creates a relationship with a victim. In fact, he recognized the patterns in other relationships in the OW’s life too. Her first husband told my husband they never should have married or had kids but she pushed for it, mandated it. They didn’t date long before they married each other either. The weren’t married long before she insisted on having children. He always knew that he shouldn’t have married her.

What does this really mean though? My husband still had the affair. He still had a choice and none of his actions are dismissed even if she has a personality disorder. In fact, it worries me that he let his guard down so easily. I thanked him for inviting a sociopath into our lives. Wtf.

Advertisements

29 thoughts on “My husband’s AP might be a sociopath.

  1. Reading your blog. Certainly I can almost hear my wife’s words in yours. And my AP, while maybe not a sociopath, and minimum, suffered from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She was manipulative, dishonest, clever and told me a bunch of lies. I am not only angry at myself for sinking so low as to get into an affair, but furious at myself for letting someone like her even get close to me. I’m so very careful about letting anyone “in” that this was a shock to me. Like your husband, I too desperately wanted “out” and while it was hell, it was a relief to me that my OW sent an anonymous email to my wife announcing the affair (she thought it would push my wife to throw me out, and into her arms — she was wrong). So I find your blog interesting, yet painful to read…It’s too close to home. My wife and I have been in recovery for a while now and it’s about 18 months since D-day. There IS hope. If you both wish it.

    • I feel like my husband could have written those words you just wrote… About always being cautious about who you let in, not looking for this, wanting out of the affair. I truly believe I started looking for the affair because my husband was pushing me without actuallly saying it. I think he wanted me to help get out. When I confronted him he said he was relieved that he never had to see, speak or hear from his AP again. Thanks for the hope… I can see the light at the end of the tunnel but it still seems distant.

      • Every circumstance is different, and I would never presume to tell every betrayed spouse to stay. In some cases, I think divorce is the proper course. I think, however, there is more hope than people realize (in general). Infidelity doesn’t have to mean the end, if people are honest with each other and are willing to do the work to remake the marriage into something better and more resilient. But again, everyone’s circumstance is different. I certainly can’t pass judgment on yours or anyone’s (except my own)

    • Recovering WS, I no longer can access your blog and I really miss it. Your blog has provided insights into my own situation as my husband was involved with a woman with a personality disorder. Have you removed your blog? Is it available at all… and how? I really appreciate all you have shared.

    • I am looking forward to reading it. I had to write that last paragraph because regardless of her condition–he made these choices and continued the relationship even though he didn’t want to be involved with her. It’s such a tricky thing.

  2. This is really scary stuff…I feel such empathy. As far as what does it really mean? I guess now you can get the message out there. Warn others. Maybe feel a bit more relief because he was a victim of fraud. Fell to deception. Not overly comforting, as you mentioned.

    • I almost didn’t post this because I don’t want it to appear as an excuse that I am not blaming him. He is 100% accountable for putting himself in the situation and continuing it. It’s just amazing how far deceptions can take a person.

  3. Holy shit….First of all I want to say I hope you will have more good days than bad, I know pain, maybe not the kind of pain that is being discussed here, but I know pain.
    Since I have found you (you were giving advice, pointing out caution to another blogger, who was not hearing what you said) I found your remakes to be heart worthy. In your comments I heard concern not judgement or ridicule, but from the heart concern. That is why I am here. Now that I have read some not all yet of your story, I find myself….smiling and shaking my head all at the same time.
    God gives us what we need, when we need it, and he never gives us more than we can handle.(although it gets pretty f**kin close)

  4. I do not know what is going on here, but I will finish this on my blog, it is either my computer or WordPress…I am betting my computer. It starts freaking out on my when I get so far in this box…..

  5. Did therapy really help you? I was involved in something similar, but she was my best friend, who moved into my marriage and totally drove my husband and I apart.
    An affair did occur, and she played these horrible mind games. My intuition knew something wasn’t right. It has been 14 months, my D-Day was Feb. 23. The way I find out was devestating. She flaunted the affair subtely; needless to say, I still brew with so much anger. There is just so much to this nightmare that I am unable to move ahead. I still carry too many emotions living through this double betrayal.
    Did therapy help you differentiate these feelings?

    • Yes, I do believe that therapy helps you move forward–regardlless of whether it’s to repair the marriage or rebuild yourself on your own. I am sorry that we share this in common and that you were betrayed by both your husband and your “friend.” Finding the right therapist is important too. Finding someone who empathizes but also motivates you is important. I think that therapy/support groups can be helpful if you feel stuck in the rollercoaster of emotions. For me, when I start to feel the questions of “How could he do this?”, then I take a step back and try to recognize how warped his mental state was at the time. It doesn’t excuse his choices or decisions but it does allow me to see that in his right mind. Regardless, I’ve realized that to move forward and not stay in the endless cycle of anger/sadness/victim, I need to start pursuing my dreams. I need to be the most important person in my life. I love my children and husband but I will be happier and love them more if I am living my life to my fullest potential.

      If you are looking for a support group check out the BAN website: http://www.beyondaffairs.com/BAN/cities.htm. Or you can join an online therapy group through Affair Recovery: http://www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses/online-courses (there is a fee associated with this one). I hope this is some help to you….. {{Hugs}}

      • I can see where my spouse was sucked into her manipulation because I was too. We both were.
        There are times when I am confident , and then there are times when I am unable to grasp the notion of using people in an extreme way. I do not understand the premise which she was after, and I do not understand that my spouse was looking for either.
        I will check into these sites. I think I am getting tired of the baggage I carry and I know that I deserve better than this.

      • Trust me, I go over this time and time again in my own mind. What did this woman want from my husband? Why did she prey upon him? How did he believe she was his friend if she disrespected EVERYTHING he told her he valued about his life. What did she expect out of this? Did you want him as her own husband? Did she just want to destroy him or my marriage? Or did she not care about anything at all? She was very callous about the entire thing–never apologizing to me about what she had done.

        Then I think of my own husband’s behavior–why didn’t he tell me he was meeting up with her? Why didn’t he tell me she had kissed him? [He says because he thought it would hurt me and that it was never going to happen again–yet he slept with her 2 weeks later.] How could he love me and our life but never stop the affair? Why did it go on for a year? If he was aware that he didn’t want to have a sexual relationship with her–why did he? He is his own person, right?

        I hope that I have the answers to the questions about him someday. As for her, I really hope she falls off the face of the earth and I never hear or see her again.

      • All my husband had to do was get me. I was in the house! There are days I do blame myself because I have worked with persons who have mental illness and BPD. My intuition was right and I ignored it. I loved her as a friend. I wanted to help her. I just wanted to do right.

        I am so glad I found this blog because I have a rare story. She made me feel so crazy, like there is a bag over your eyes, and you aren’t able to see what is happening because you are worried about your own, and all of your problems are happening because she is it! She is the problem! I was so hurt. And like you, I never got an explanation as to why. All I could gather was that she wanted to be me because of how she began to do things similar, which I picked up on and dismissed because I believed she was a better person than that.

        I feel like she robbed me of something so deep. I almost lost everything that day. Everything that I and WE have worked so hard for.
        As for my husband, I do not look at him the same as I used to. I still have questions that may never be answered. I have the same questions you do. She tried to take my life, my identity, and she almost won. There is not one day that goes by when I want her off the map. She might be out of my life, but I know she still disrupts the life of others. How can someone do this? Why? For the life of me I do not understand. I thought we were friends, and we were going into a business partnership to boot.

        I hope karma comes back around and I hope she suffers with her illness for all time. I cannot tell you how bad I HATE this woman. I have never hated someone so strong before. She was a thief, and a phony.

      • I’ve never hated anyone like I hate Bat-Shit. Never. I always feel like it’s a waste of my time–but this woman is pure evil. My husband feels like he’s the biggest idiot for believing her about anything. When he first met her I mentioned that I didn’t like her and she seemed fake. So he stopped telling me about her because he knew I wasn’t going to ever like her. He didn’t want to cheat on me or be with her–he wasn’t even attracted to her. He thought he wasn’t vulnerable and allowed himself to be alone with her, which made him more vulnerable than ever.
        I even found out that she bought her kids the full series of the Brady Bunch show because with her three kids and my three kids they would have three boys and three girls (if she got her way). She was programming her kids. Wtf?!
        I asked my husband if he ever doubted that Larry had moved out of the house and he said no–they had so many discussions about how difficult it was for her to be on her own and how mean Larry was to her. The lies and manipulation are insane.

      • My husband hates himself for the whole thing. When I told him I filed for divorce and listed all the things I asked for, he immediately sank, and that’s when the communication ceased with her. I did go on to tell him that I have witnessed this behavior and that her life is an open book. I predicted that she would lash out, and later she did, with name calling and threats.
        We did talk about what she told him, and everything I was thinking was right there. I knew the cycle but learned it too late. I told her to stop the threats because I figured her out. Once she lost control of him and I, it was over.
        See, they can manipulate a person, but they cannot control free will. The whole damn situation blew up in her face and it was awesome when they fired her ass too.

      • I’ve thought about getting my husband’s AP fired from her job. I think with the arsenal of information I have it would be easy. But then I don’t want to draw her into my life at all. I took the risk of talking to her ex but even if he mentions it to her it will only be to say that I know how crazy she is. Or he might mention how much my husband hates her too. And I am ok with that.

      • I have friends in high places, so it was easy for me to do. I told her boss that people in our field are part of the solution, not the problem. She also took nude pics of herself while working to send them, and they already had the investigation from where she started shit at the other job site.

  6. Alot of your blog AP was a sociopath rings true to my situation. My WS and his AP went from meeting to friendship to affair very quickly. She was grooming him for it. There were red flags eveywhere including she had said to him that he was a gift from god to her and that he was perfect. Words that he felt comforting as his mother always says he is pefect! I am new to blogging. I have just written my first piece called ‘But it’s not what you think’. My account is called Heartfelt Pieces. Please read it if you get the chance.

  7. Sociopath to say the least. Fatal Attraction is childs play. I am so glad you posted this one. Can’t remember who said she groomed him for this is so right. I blame my husband 100 percent for his betrayal but the process of healing would be so much easier if he had not cheated with the biggest psycho on the planet. If I didn’t know better I would think our husbands all have the same OW. LOL. “Pernicious” OW is getting crazier by the week. Thankfully this reinforces the fact my hubby will keep it in his pants from now on. I am hopeful that she will stop one of these days…UGH.

  8. My husband was also involved with a borderline affair partner. She was his nurse and 31 years his junior. She was married with 2 young children. She appealed to my husband’s “white knight” syndrome. She was a damsel in distress who stroked his ego by building him up and telling him how important he was in her life. She first claimed him as her “father figure” for several years, but I remember having concerns that she crossed proper boundaries and called our house easily. She gelled his hair at work, touched him easily, etc.. She often called our house to ask for him. She told him how awful her marriage was, how nobody treated her well, how she had no friends and needed him. She admired and idealized him, told him he was handsome, smothered him with compliments. She was always eager to learn new things from him and tell him how intelligent he was. She hung onto every word he said. Then.. out of the blue one day, he said she asked if she could kiss him. He was shocked and said, “yes.” She leaned into kiss him and also grabbed his hand, stuffing it down her pants. He lost it! He totally melted in sexual lust, having no self control. They began staying late after work every night, but when he tried to call it off, she started threatening him with how she would ruin his career, how she would contact me, ruin his family life, etc. We’ve been married almost 40 years, have 4 children, 6 grandchildren. My husband has been a pillar in the community and leader in the church. He was willing to do whatever he needed to do in order to protect his reputation. She also threatened to commit suicide and leave a letter detailing their improper relationship. She often sent text messages saying she was going to overdose or slit her wrists and he would be frantically trying to contact her and talk her out of it. She always chose weekends and when we were away on trips to send such messages. She even used her husband’s phone once and sent a text from that phone, pretending to be her husband, saying he’d found her body and this was all my husband’s fault. She went into rages of anger whenever she didn’t get her way. The other nurses at the office were startled at how she’d “go crazy” and “throw fits” whenever I’d stop by the office to see my husband. She told my husband that I shouldn’t be allowed up there anymore b/c it “disturbed the flow of patient care at the office.”

    He continued trying to hide his double life and said he was just waiting for her to move onto another job. He said he kept thinking that since she was in grad school, it was just a matter of time before she’d be leaving. From reading her emails, however, I can see where she had no plans to “move on.” She wanted to simply work more closely alongside of him, but make more money.

    He says they never had intercourse. He did admit to mutual oral sex and mutual masturbation. He said she’d say, “I love you,” but he refused to say anything except, “I love you as a friend.” That made her angry. She also wanted to have intercourse, but he’d refuse, and that also angered her. I saw red flags and sensed a distance growing between us throughout the whole ordeal. I often made accusatory comments from time to time, but my husband dismissed them. I realized that he was quite occupied with his cell phone and spent a lot of time texting “people.” I assumed it had to do with patient care, etc, but I finally checked our phone bill and found thousands of text messages between the two of them on weekends and late at night. I presented him with the evidence, but it took 2 months before he finally confessed to me what had occurred between them. He begged me to forgive him and to not leave him. He began answering my hundreds of questions. I learned that the sexual part of their relationship had gone on for 2.5 years! I felt so humiliated and angry!

    We’ve been in marriage counseling for the past 14 months. I was also diagnosed with breast cancer just 3 months after full disclosure, so I’ve been through chemotherapy, radiation, and surgery. What a one-two punch! I’ve stayed in the marriage. She’s still in the office, but has been moved to another area and is working only 2 days a week. He won’t even make eye contact with her. He’s given me details of their relationship and has become a totally different husband as he tried to win back my heart. He says he hates what he did and who he became. He sees where he took me for granted and pushed me away , then rationalized his behavior b/c he didn’t feel pursued by me. He says he felt unloved and rejected and that she drew him in.

    We are counting the days until she’s out of the office… hopefully soon, since she’s now in her final semester of grad school. She fought to keep him for a while, threatened to go to management with her version of the story, etc. but then she finally backed down and began hitting on another man in the office. She had a mental breakdown at one point, shooing up at work mumbling and making no sense. She’s been on “probation” since then and has been rather quiet. As far as I know, no one at work knows the full story of all that happened between the doctor and his nurse. They seem to have the utmost respect for him and for me. They seem to all believe she’s “crazy.”

    We continued to work on rebuilding out marriage. Our adult children, pastor, and close friends know what happened. It’s been along journey and I’m still grieving over the loss in our relationship. I’m still angry that my husband was so stupid and such a coward with her. I wonder how I will ever again have respect for him. I trusted and loved him more than anybody in my entire life. We married when I was just 19.

    thank you for letting me share. Thank you for sharing your story.

  9. Hi. Thank you so much for sharing your story, and also others with their stories in the comments. My D-day was in March of this year and i have been trying and trying to understand and get past this event in my life. I have searched through blogs and forums on infidelity, reading others people’s stories and their recoveries, and I just couldn’t find a story that was similar to mine until now.

    During the first month of discovery, I was so shocked by the details of the affair. I couldn’t understand any of it or hold on to any single emotion about the whole thing. Not only did it begin when I was 3 months pregnant, the details were so personal to ME as if my husband was trying to punish me or hurt me on purpose. Those were things such as buying her gifts that were particularly meaningful to me, taking her to our special restaurants, and, last but not least, taking her to the island resort where we exchanged our vowels. Her resume is practically a copy of mine.

    So, after my husband and I started getting help, we put together that his AP was almost certainly a psychopath. It was really an unfortunate timing as well as he had just lost his job and she was aware of that. A few weeks before he left his office, she began telling him that she was abused and raped. She subtly shared sexual thoughts and asked him what kind of porn he watched after finding out that I was pregnant and wasn’t fully available to him. After having put in the seeds of fantasy and gained his trust (she said she was just ‘in the neighborhood’ by chance. And she lives in another country 6 hours plane ride away!), it is no surprise that their next ‘coffee’ meeting sealed the first sexual encounter and sex is the most power tool in the mind control game. At that time, her second child was just a few 5 months old. Their affair lasted two years with almost monthly flights, hotels, and all precious memories of my marriage. I am not yet certain if I can recover and return to sleep in our bedroom. He’s in the guest room and I’m in the baby’s room.

    Anyway, your last paragraph is really an important reminder for me as well to stay focused on normalcy and reality, rather than getting lost in psychoanalysis. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and healing process. I only hope to be able to reach the state of mind that you have achieved after such a painful experience.

    • It’s easy to get caught up in the pain from all the lies. I spent months trying to psychoanalyze my husband and his affair. I found answers but nothing satisfied me. You will get where you need to be. Trust that every step you are taking is right where you need to be in this moment. You are healing–I can read it in your words.

      • Thank you so much for your reply. It helps so much just to know there’s someone listening and someone who understands. Thank you for your kind and supportive words.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s