What does it take to remove the pain after infidelity? I’ve noticed that although I am taking steps forward and I am happier, I still find myself hurt and emotional about things that shouldn’t bother me. The morning I found out about my husband’s affair I had to go to the grocery store to buy oranges for my son’s soccer team. A few days after D-Day, I had to go grocery shopping. Now, every f-ing time I am pushing the darn cart through the grocery store my mood shifts and I feel like I am walking through a fog. I’ve tried shopping at different grocery stores but the result is always the same. Maybe it’s seeing all the housewives walking through the store, or the fear that his AP will be in the store shopping by some odd chance, or maybe it’s the horrible sappy music they play. Why is grocery shopping a trigger for sadness and feelings of being alone? I’ve been responsible for the grocery shopping for our family for over 14 years. We’ve shopped together through the years, I shopped with the children when they were younger. Heck, I still have memories of grocery shopping with my mom as a little girl. So why does one stupid song playing over the supermarket sound system strip my confidence and make me want to curl up in a ball and cry?
For a few months after my D-Day, everytime I drove to visit my husband at work, in the town where his affair occured, I fell apart. If I was with my husband I was fine but driving in the car alone crushed me. His affair occured once in his office and every other time at her home, which is about one mile from his business. Since D-Day I was sure to have sex with him in his office and we’ve even gotten into a routine of meeting up just after business hours to screw all over the office. I feel like I took back his office space and fulfilled some fantasies of ours while I was at it.
Three weeks ago, on my way to see him I drove by her house for the first time ever. I wasn’t sure how it would affect me but I decided to own what I was doing. I needed to see her house and where my husband had sex with her for a year. It was about 9 p.m. at night and pretty dark outside. I drove by once and saw that there were only a few lights on and it appeared she was upstairs in what I guessed was the bedroom she screwed my husband in. Her car was in the driveway so I knew she was home (which I found entertaining since she is single and it was a Friday night–obviously her life is full of excitement). I turned around at the end of her street and drove by again, this time slowing down and trying to see if I could see anything–then I surprised myself and honked my car horn a few times and drove off. I was laughing all the way to my husband’s office. I told him my childish antics and he laughed. He confirmed the light on was her bedroom and the conversation was easy and light. I am just enough of a stalker that I drove by again the next Friday night just before 9 p.m. This time I only went by once and I could see she was in her bedroom alone again. I honked my horn a few times hoping she would hear and wonder who was being so obnoxious again.
It may be stupid and immature but I am reclaiming the town my husband works in for myself. I need to regain my strength and power and not allow her to strip me of anything. Yesterday, my husband and I went to a conference together and I picked him up at his office so we could drive together. Afterwards, we went back to get his car and I couldn’t help but love the fact that he held me tight and kissed me passionately while we stood in a parking lot visible to the Main Street intersection in town. I truly hope that she saw us. Or even better, I hope someone she knows saw us and told her about us kissing. It’s all petty and sounds dumb if you aren’t the betrayed spouse. I need to own my life. I need to know that my husband will kiss me anywhere and anytime he feels like it. I want my husband to look around each corner of his business and picture us together intimately and passionately.
As much as I am reclaiming some aspects of my life there are still stupid things that haunt me. The darn grocery store is one of them that I need to overcome. I need to create a new memory to take the place of the negative one lurking in my brain.