Thoughts from a betrayed wife six months post d-day

ImageI’ve started a few posts over the last few weeks but none were published. None of them finished. Most of them barely started. So if I can’t finish them why not let you know where I am on this journey?

1. I went to a Infidelity Support Group meeting a few weeks ago. I cried the entire car ride to the meeting. Listening to music that was depressing and sad (most of it is after infidelity, right?). I got there and walked through the door seeing a man and a woman who seemed to know each other. In the end there were only four of us there–two rookies (me and another woman) and the veteran betrayed spouses. We shared our stories with each other and I walked away feeling okay. I don’t really feel like I need to go back. Not unless something stirs and I need some companionship for this journey. Maybe it was the group of people or maybe it was just not something I need right now.

Image2. Six Months. We are a little over six months past our D-Day now. It’s bittersweet. I guess in some ways I am glad that I’ve survived because in the beginning the pain was so raw I thought I might be swallowed up into it. I am eating, sleeping and pretty much a functional person in society (at least for appearances sake). Reaching a milestone like six months, one year, two years is like a reaching that illusive pot of gold. You believe it’s there and you keep seeking it at the end of each storm and rainbow, but you just aren’t sure it’s real. That’s how I feel. I am not sure everything is real yet. The cloud is still surrounding me and there is certainly a fog that covers my brain. We made it here though and at this point I can honestly say I have more good days than bad by far. I can go for a stretch of 7-10 days before the pain begins to swell and fill me with doubt again.

The good news is, I recover much quicker now. The great news is that my husband pushed through his feelings of failure the other night. He knew he disappointed me, that I was having a trigger day and he tried to help but didn’t completely follow through. I told him I was upset and why. I expected him to sink into himself and let his hatred consume him. But he overcame it all and was there for me in my pain. It meant the world to me.

Image3. On our six month anniversary of our D-Day we got bad news from a friend. A good friend of ours found out he has cancer. He has two young children and the prognosis is not very good for him. The news shook me and my husband to our core. Immediately, you think of how you would feel in the same situation–how would I cope, fight, go on with my everyday life? Then I thought, what if I found out right now the same news about my husband… how would I care for him and heal from his infidelity at the same time? Would it make me put aside the pain from the betrayal or would it foster resentment? I’d like to say that for me, it would make me push beyond this pain and recognize how fragile life is. But yet again, would it make me angry to think he wasted over a year of our lives when life is so temporary and precious?

4. 

Stay by Rihanna makes me think about this healing process… It seems to be on the radio every time my kids are in the car and tune into the local Pop station. The line that gets me every time is:

Ooh the reason I hold on
Ooh cause I need this hole gone
Funny you’re the broken one but I’m the only one who needed saving
Cause when you never see the light it’s hard to know which one of us is caving

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24 thoughts on “Thoughts from a betrayed wife six months post d-day

  1. These are some huge steps and both you and your husband should be proud of where you are….You being able to go 7 to 10 days without being overwhelmed by these feeling is wonderful, and your husband being able to put his self-doubts aside to comfort you in your time of need….These are huge, pat yourselves on the back and be proud of where you are 6 months later…

      • Don’t deny the pain, the more you allow yourself to feel it the easier it will get….I always looked at it like you have to wade through a bunch of muck and it smell, it sucks, and all you want to do is get the hell out of it..Well because you have not went that far you turn around and go back and the muck is still there, it still stinks, and it still sucks, the only thing you can do is get back in the stinky smelly muck and keep moving forward…This is the only way to get to the other side…The other side is alot better and does not smell…The thing about pain, all pain no matter the source is it has to go through a process to be rid of it…This process comes with trail and error until the process that is going to work is found…By denying the pain only slow the process down…I understand that life goes on and when we are having a bad day when can not just crawl under the covers and make it go away, and we can not go around saying leave me alone I am in pain today..This just does not work…But you can admit to yourself that today I am not all right…I will do what I have to, to the best of my ability but I am not all right today. This gives you the power and takes it away from your pain….I wish you all the best in the world…You will grow from this you all ready are..

      • I remember hearing someone give a piece of advice saying to embrace and absorb the pain. And like you said–at this point, I am still wading through it, I can smell it, see it everywhere and I have no idea when I’ll reach the other side. But I have faith that I will get there at my own pace and when I am ready.

    • I am about nine months post d-day. My husband travels with his job. When he is away for one or more days I have a hard time. I think I trust him. It just puts me in a bad place because he was with HER last year on the days he was away. It is a trigger I guess. He is away right now for several days . The area he has to work is where he was with her. That makes it even harder for me. I too usually go about 10-14 days before I finally meltdown. I think it would help if my husband would be a better communicator. Sometimes I feel like this affair has kind of put things in perspective to help him become a better person. Unfortunately I also feel like I have become less of a person. I am trying so hard to work on myself and insecurities. It certainly is a bitch. Kind of like life…..

  2. I’m at almost 16 months and I can go about two weeks between meltdowns. I can even feel them building before they are going to happen. I’m glad you’re doing well in your recovery. Every little bit of progress helps. I wish there was an affair support group where I live. Maybe I should start one!

    I’ve often wondered what I would do if my husband got very ill or even died. To be honest there are days I just don’t think I would care very much, then there are the rare days when I think I could not live without him.

    • The support group night was interesting. I kept thinking of all you girls and how I wish we all could get together over coffee and hash things out. It wasn’t exactly what I envisioned but that was ok (probably better), but the mainstays in the group are in their 50s and have spouses that left them for their APs. So that changes the dynamic of the group. It wasn’t quite right but it was good for me to go.

      The day after my d-day one of our neighbors passed away suddenly. She was married with a teenage daughter. I remember asking my husband how he would feel if he woke up and I was dead. And he had spent the last year of my life lying, cheating and deceiving me? He didn’t have an answer. I guess he never heard the theory that you should live like you are dying (in fact, we all are dying, right?). There are still so many struggles and it’s hard not to be angry when you realize how unthankful our husband’s were for not just us, and their kids but life in general.

  3. It sounds to me like you are doing well for being only 6 months out. I think I was still a total mess then, partly I’m sure because I had to deal with more than one D-Day.

    I am just over 2 years out from the final D-Day, and I am still healing. The way you described it: that you can go 7-10 days before “the pain begins to swell and fill me with doubt again” expressed it perfectly, although the interval between these episodes has increased to every 3 weeks or so. My husband doesn’t realize this is normal and was starting to lose patience with me and question whether I would ever be able to forgive him and move on. I have forgiven him; I just haven’t been able to feel safe again yet. I wonder how much he thinks about his affair partner and whether he compares me to her when he gets annoyed with me. Who does he think about when he hears a love song? These are the kind of things that continue to haunt me. And, to be fair to him, it is not because of anything that he does or fails to do. He is consistently loving and expresses his commitment to me often. The wound is inside me.

    Sending you hugs and hoping that you continue to heal with each passing day.

    • Feeling safe is so key for me. I’ve been trying to express this to my husband recently. I realized that he didn’t recognize that some of the things I was asking him to do or not to do were about giving me security–not about trust.

      I hope you move beyond the doubt that still lingers in your mind. Our imaginations can be our own worst enemies.

  4. 4 weeks and 1 day past my d-day and it’s my birthday today. I stumbled across your blog looking for something; support, clues, help, I don’t know what. I am a total wreck, I cycle between feeling angry, depressed, frustrated and the worst one guilt. I’m just glad to know that my feelings are “normal.” Thank you for your posts.

    • Thank you. Holidays and special occasions are so painful. Sometimes I think I am more reminded on the those days of the betrayal than any other day. I think we are all on here reading or posting to validate our own story. And it does… We are like a family that looks out for each other. So welcome… Four months was not too long at for me but I feel so much has changed. I am much stronger and happier. I hope you found some hope. Happy Birthday!

  5. It took me a long time to sit and wonder if this song relates to my situation, and that line really speaks to me too. But maybe in a different way, “Ooooh the reason I hold on, oooooh cause I need this hole gone” to me , I love my husband so much but feel like I’m making the wrong choice for me to stay around, mentally and emotionally , but that hole in my chest or empty feeling I get at the thought of moving on keeps me from leaving. “Funny you’re the broken one but I’m the one who needed saving” we’ve established the reasons for his decisions but the one hurting and needing to be saved from the pain is me. Also “round and around and around we o” to me the significance of my vigilance for sticking it through and getting through this one day and the next wondering “why and what for” and the cycle starts again. Maybe I’m too early on in this process to know what I really want. These things happens and It’s a different hurt then you’ve ever felt before , one that literally shakes you emotionally to the core of your being. You think everything is fine one day and you wake up the next knowing your life will never ever be the same. You don’t know how it will be different , you def know why but not how. And It’s scary.

    • Yes, yes and yes… everything you wrote is resonating within me. I think it’s impossible to know if staying is the right thing. In the book, “My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me,” Anne writes about how she told herself that if she could not get past the affair in 2 years that she would have to leave. She made this a solemn promise to herself and didn’t voice it to her husband. In many ways I feel that way too but I have shifted towards staying on the pendulum more and more as time goes on.
      It is scary and the fear can take over if I let it. I am learning to control how my emotions affect me so that I can be happier day-to-day.

  6. I am six months out and it still feels like yesterday! I feel like I am going backwards instead of moving forward I feel like it is getting worse instead of better. My husband is truly sorry and doing everything he can to make it right but there is still so much pain i don’t see how this will ever get better but I know it has too…. I just don’t know what more either of us could do we are in counseling and doing what is suggested and I am reading everything I can and praying all the time!!!!! I have read this site most of the day and it has been helpful thank you all so much for sharing!

    • Hi,
      It will get better. I think the first nine months were a roller coaster of pain for me. I felt better and then I would dive down deep into the depths. For me, it was the need to know everything about the affair. I wanted all the answers. I was searching for something… I guess it could have been a reason to stay or go or why this happened to us? I wanted to erase the affair from our lives but I couldn’t figure out a way to make it disappear. And then I realized I had to figure out a way out of the mess and into the next realm. I changed my mind’s focus and something changed within me. It’s not always perfect but I know I have the power to control my mind–whether to dwell in the pain or let it go. It’s up to me and that was a huge step forward. You will get there too.

  7. Thank you so much! Your post have really helped me because your story is so much like mine. I thought we had a great marriage and life and so did everyone else!! And the responses you said your husband gave are the same things mine is saying, only I didn’t believe him it sounded like a bunch of BS to me but now I can rethink it? I am still preparing for divorce but it has taken me so long to just function I haven’t went through with anything yet…I just feel so stuck and not sure if I still love him. I’m glad you getting better and thanks again for sharing your story!!!

    • I am glad that I can tell my story and you can find it helpful. No matter what you decide I hope you can find peace with what has happened. Sometimes just knowing that you are hearing the truth (or at least the truth as he saw it) is enough to bring you closure.

  8. I’m only 2 weeks after my DDay, I’m still in a roller coater of emotions, pain, anger, sadness, insecurities..the list goes on. I look forward to the day that I will look back and remember all this, and not feel pain anymore. Your story has helped in giving me hope that tomorrow might be a little better than today.

    • Thank you for reading and writing here. You are not alone. The roller coaster is difficult and tiring but you will survive. You will grow stronger each day even if you don’t feel like it or see a change. Take care of yourself and keep that hope alive.

  9. Hi! I have been following your blog ever since I discovered my husband was having an affair with his medical assistant. We have been married for 10 years abd have 4 kids under 8. Just wanted to share a song in case you have’t heard it…Resentment by Beyoncé. I swear I felt she “got it.” I hope you are doing well on your journey, thank you for sharing such personal thoughts with others.

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