I’ve started a few posts over the last few weeks but none were published. None of them finished. Most of them barely started. So if I can’t finish them why not let you know where I am on this journey?
1. I went to a Infidelity Support Group meeting a few weeks ago. I cried the entire car ride to the meeting. Listening to music that was depressing and sad (most of it is after infidelity, right?). I got there and walked through the door seeing a man and a woman who seemed to know each other. In the end there were only four of us there–two rookies (me and another woman) and the veteran betrayed spouses. We shared our stories with each other and I walked away feeling okay. I don’t really feel like I need to go back. Not unless something stirs and I need some companionship for this journey. Maybe it was the group of people or maybe it was just not something I need right now.
2. Six Months. We are a little over six months past our D-Day now. It’s bittersweet. I guess in some ways I am glad that I’ve survived because in the beginning the pain was so raw I thought I might be swallowed up into it. I am eating, sleeping and pretty much a functional person in society (at least for appearances sake). Reaching a milestone like six months, one year, two years is like a reaching that illusive pot of gold. You believe it’s there and you keep seeking it at the end of each storm and rainbow, but you just aren’t sure it’s real. That’s how I feel. I am not sure everything is real yet. The cloud is still surrounding me and there is certainly a fog that covers my brain. We made it here though and at this point I can honestly say I have more good days than bad by far. I can go for a stretch of 7-10 days before the pain begins to swell and fill me with doubt again.
The good news is, I recover much quicker now. The great news is that my husband pushed through his feelings of failure the other night. He knew he disappointed me, that I was having a trigger day and he tried to help but didn’t completely follow through. I told him I was upset and why. I expected him to sink into himself and let his hatred consume him. But he overcame it all and was there for me in my pain. It meant the world to me.
3. On our six month anniversary of our D-Day we got bad news from a friend. A good friend of ours found out he has cancer. He has two young children and the prognosis is not very good for him. The news shook me and my husband to our core. Immediately, you think of how you would feel in the same situation–how would I cope, fight, go on with my everyday life? Then I thought, what if I found out right now the same news about my husband… how would I care for him and heal from his infidelity at the same time? Would it make me put aside the pain from the betrayal or would it foster resentment? I’d like to say that for me, it would make me push beyond this pain and recognize how fragile life is. But yet again, would it make me angry to think he wasted over a year of our lives when life is so temporary and precious?
Stay by Rihanna makes me think about this healing process… It seems to be on the radio every time my kids are in the car and tune into the local Pop station. The line that gets me every time is:
Ooh the reason I hold on
Ooh cause I need this hole gone
Funny you’re the broken one but I’m the only one who needed saving
Cause when you never see the light it’s hard to know which one of us is caving