Infidelity = A marriage forever changed

Easter weekend was like a breath of fresh air for me. I kept my mind stable and enjoyed the warmth of Spring that was teasing the Northeast. I randomly ran into an old friend last weekend. I hadn’t seen her in at least two years but our history goes back about sixteen years. In fact, we met about the same time I met my husband. So she has known us before we were married and pre-children. We now live in different parts of the state and keep up with each other on Facebook. She’s one of those friends you don’t need to see or talk to all the time, you just pick up wherever you are now in life.

Needlesstosay, she does not know about my husband’s affair. I imagine if she did know she would be matter-of-fact about it and just ask what I was doing about it. I didn’t tell her about the affair because it didn’t seem relevant and we were surrounded by eavesdropping ears. As she was about to walk away she said:

How are you and ____ [insert my husband’s name]? You two are the happiest married couple I know and if you tell me it’s a facade it’ll destroy me!

laughter… laughter…

Until that moment in our conversation I had forgotten about my husband’s affair but then there it was like a cartoon cloud that just appears and rains on only you. Luckily, enough time has passed since D-Day that I was able to offer a sarcastic comment and laugh with my friend. So the question is out there now.

Is our relationship a facade?

Woman Looking at ReflectionI mean, I love my husband and I am fighting for this marriage because I believe in our love and the amazing potential of our relationship. But the truth of the matter is that we are still living in a world of hurt and pain. Yes, the pain is in the background now, but it is still everpresent. It doesn’t control me as much or make me fall apart on a regular consistant basis. So will our relationship always be a facade or will it ever be real again?

At least one or two nights every week my husband and I lay in bed with me asking questions, probing for answers and looking for something to ease my pain. Sometimes I find it and sometimes I don’t. My husband struggles with me saying that we will never have our pre-affair relationship back. His choice to have a yearlong affair will never slip from my memory completely and he will always wish he could go back in time and make better decisions to protect our marriage. He is struggling to grasp that we can never go back–our relationship is now defined (as much as I said it wouldn’t) as pre-affair, affair and post-affair. I do believe that if we stay the course and continue to rebuild that we will have a better marriage than what we started with more than twelve years ago.

My husband wants us to have our old marriage back. Why? He believes the affair was 100% his doing and was not because of our marriage or me. So he continues to hope that I will love him like I did before he cheated. I don’t really know that I love him any differently but we need to reestablish trust and respect. Every time we have this discussion I ask him why he has such a hard time understanding that we can’t go back? I can’t ever love him without knowing that he cheated. I will never have a husband that was faithful. I will never have a husband who didn’t lie and deceive me for over a year. I will never trust any relationship he has and I will always question that he is hiding information from me about the people he spends time with and places he goes.

This is the result of his affair.

A marriage forever changed. Will I ever not feel pain? Will I ever trust him and my decision to stay and rebuild? Will I ever not feel like I deserved more? I really don’t know but I love him enough to fight for our marriage.


38 thoughts on “Infidelity = A marriage forever changed

  1. I have had these exact same thoughts, questions, feelings and responses to my husband’s affair.
    It’s sad that our relationships are now catalogued in that way…you’re right…it is forever altered. Never will it not be. Never will the wound heal and fade. There will always be this ugly scar.

  2. I couldn’t agree more with your ending statement. Our situations are different, but the pain is ever present in my life right now… PMS, thank you not.

    Stay strong. I’m rooting for you two!!

  3. First of all, your marriage isn’t a facade. Ppl – both BS & WS – don’t choose to stay if there isn’t deep love there. We, as the betrayed, may not be able to touch it or feel it at the moment, but it’s there & it’s why we hurt so deeply. If we didn’t love, we’d walk away. So, yes, maybe your marriage has struggled & has the infidelity hanging over it, but it is a marriage with deep love. Maybe it’s not happy at the moment, but no marriage is 100% happy all the time.

    Second, yes the marriage is changed. It will never be the same. But ask yourself, honestly, “is that a good thing?” Because even if we thought we were happy & perfect (I know I did), there were things I see now that needed changing in mine – and I’m sure most of us can say the same.

    And change doesn’t have to be bad. Change is what allows us to grow & become better versions of ourselves. If we stayed exactly as we were when we first married, we’d be terrible parents; we’d not be able to adjust to career changes or financial difficulties. We wouldn’t be us.

    What’s hard about infidelity is that the change hit us all at once. There was no build up, no preparation. Your husband changed the rules & expectations of your marriage without your consent. BUT you do have a say now. You are no longer powerless in what happens. And you get to choose how you move forward – and that is the most powerful thing about post-infidelity, I believe. You get a choice. And everyday you stay – and he stays – you are choosing each other & the future. You may not realize it, but you’re already starting to look forward, and letting go slowly of the past.

    • I have often asked my husband why he yearns to be the couple we were before the infidelity? Yes, we were happy and the love we shared had a certain purity that has been taken away. But our marriage before his affair was naive to anything bad happening to us. Honestly, I don’t think he questioned his relationship with his AP (before the sex) because he felt he was immune to an affair–that would never happen to us. Then he found himself so deep in this relationship with her and he couldn’t figure out how he even got there in the first place.

      Like you said, we stay because we love each other. We love each other more than his affair. Some days are more difficult than others. I just hope that some day in the future I don’t even think about it anymore.

    • Adultery is a change that hits the faithful all at once. The adulterer gets to roll the idea around in thier head choose whether or not to betray you They are character defected but do a good job hiding it …again When someone shows you who they are…believe them

    • Thank you for this insight! Extremely helpful for a hurting heart. There is hope for our marriage with this shift in thinking.

  4. is a great place to go and see a couple who is making it and who are deeply in love. They reach out to other couples dealing with infidelity. Anne wrote a book called My Husband’s affair became the best thing that ever happened to me.I hated the title and swore I would never read it but am so glad I did and I get what she is saying. Became is the key word. I try to find people who have made it and are now experiencing a great marriage and have gotten beyond the affiar and it gives me so much hope that some day we can have the same thing in our marriage. Hang in there. you are will on your way!!!

    • I think I am finally ready to read that book. It took me awhile to get through Not Just Friends because I began reading too early in my recovery. I just wasn’t prepared for the emotions it brought out. I would like to read Anne’s book. I was on a conference call with her and her husband a few months ago and it made me feel so much better about my future. Thanks for the reminder of what can come of all this.

  5. It will get better.
    Stay the course and focus on new memories and new traditions.
    My husband had a 9-mnth long affair when he confessed. I was completely destroyed, I lost my job the day after I learned of his betrayal, my dignity with std testing, etc.
    We went thru heavy counseling, got involved in a Sunday school class, began praying together, took a marital mentoring course called Love and Respect, we dated and began new memories. Forgiveness is the biggest step.
    We are 17 months past his confession and I cannot imagine the loss of happiness we have experienced.
    We have a deeper, more mature, open, connected, spiritual marriage now that is completely centered on God.
    I do still have my triggers and my melt downs rarely, but its part of the consequences for the conscious decisions that were made. It won’t last forever and the happier we become, the more motivation I have to overcome it and not give one second of my precious time thinking about what happenED, when I can focus on what’s happenING.
    Stay patient, focus on God’s Word avd His Love avd forgiveness, and you’ll begin to feel better and better.

  6. Iread the above and understand. I am a man that was betrayed before our marriage. I confronted the betrayal but was lied too and went through with what i thought was an honest relationship. I got married and had children and have lived in hell for years being rejected and belittled and not knowing why.
    It came to a head two years ago and all the hurt and destruction happend because the person who betrayed me could not accept what they had done, or leave it in the past. sellfish as it seems they could not live with their thoughts and had to push me into finally knowing.
    I have lived through betrayal,uncertaintity and hurt caused by guilt of not admitting that betrayal, i have wasted? 20 years of my life living with someone i thought i knew but actually didn’t.
    We have somehow got to the stage above and still it overlaps our life and the person who betrayed still finds it difficult to accept and wants to return to what it was. This is not acceptance and it drags everything back. I still find it difficult on a daily basis, like swimming in a pool and never reaching the side. Will it heal enough? will they ever accept reality over the need to feel or justify. No doubt time will tell. It is a better place to be now than has been before…… final question to myself is will it or can it be ever enough.

    • The doubts will eat me alive if I let them. I realize that it was my husband’s own doubts that led him to justify the betrayal in his own mind. He trusted his doubts more than the truth, the love he felt and reality. So I can’t let the doubts lead me to life choices. My faith and trust in our marriage was destroyed by his betrayal. But slowly, we are rebuilding. Every so often, the doubts creep into my mind but I’ve been able to disproove them and deal with them on a rational level. It might now work for everyone because sometimes the pain from the betrayal cut too deep. So for me, I hope that the scar will fade and eventually I won’t hurt so much anymore.

    • Four years into marriage my husband began an erotic fantasy- watching me with another man. Every time we were intimate, this was his scenario that he wanted to play out, telling me, “you’re hot, and I want to show that off.” I was confused, insulted, and complimented all at the same time. Six years later, his fantasy still lived within our sex life. All these years, he was an uneasy, critical, hard to please man. Eventually like a fool, I slept with a man- but without my husband present, to see if I could do it. I told the OM the entire story, to which he didn’t get “sharing” me because we developed feelings for one another and ended up having a seven month affair. I wanted to leave my husband and told him I was leaving. The verbal abuse, critical attitude, and the fantasy never quit. He apologized, begged me to stay. I confessed to the affair and ended it. He was startled. But forgave. Then anger set in, calling me a disloyal bit*h. I worked so hard to repair the damage I caused. I became a hermit and didn’t talk to men. I was an open book. I gave my heart back to Jesus. And THAT was the best.
      Fast forward seven years, the fantasy still popped up once in a while-but less. Our problems continued and I eventually confronted him about a girl that worked for him years ago- around that four year marriage mark that I mentioned. I confronted him back then of an affair to which he vehemently denied. This time, he was cornered- his body language screamed gulit and he, after 14 years told me HE had the affair. Actually he had the balls to call it an “indiscretion”- no accountability. (We had a 6 month old baby at the time) After this revelation, I searched his computer to find that 2 months previous he set up an Ashley Madison account and wrote looking for ” long term”. His response to that was nothing ever happened. Sure.
      My long story’s message- I take responsibility for the foolish choice and listening to evil encouragement, lies, and going down a road of adultery. The thing is- Nothing pads your hidden guilt better than dragging someone down with you- that’s what my husband did. He won’t admit this because he’s too weak, but his sick mind couldn’t man up and confess so he figured, ” If she screws around then we’re even”
      Married 18 years. 14 years of holding a lie, in my mind protecting the OW and his butt from her redneck husband, setting me up for sin- but again I took that bait-
      What would YOU DO?

      • In this case I would leave him. It sounds like he suffers from the Dark Triad of narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychosis. He lives in an unreal fantasy world. He manipulates, deceives and lies. You are right he set you up for the affair, but in the end you didn’t have to go there. I know how it feels, my husband has same fantasy. I never agreed to it. In the end this relationship soubds toxic. You can be strong and have a better life. This is an old post. Would be good to know the outcome.

  7. My wife cheated almost one year ago. We are getting along pretty well and she is trying to make it up to me but it is always on my mind. The person who should love and protect me actually hurt me more than anyone ever has. I cannot be around her or near her without having this in my mind. I cannot tell her that I love her and she rarely says it to me. I actually prefer that at this point. We can have great sex as long as I think of it in terms of “just sex”, which is kind of alien to me. I don’t feel loving to her during sex but I do like her and believe that it is OK to enjoy each other in this way. She wants to stay married but I don’t think I will ever get beyond this. If I forgive her will it take away this pain? We get along but, if she decided to leave, I wouldn’t try to stop her. The main reason I stay is because we have two sons and I will always remember the day we told them we were getting a divorce. I will never forget it. I don’t want to hurt my sons but I don’t want to spend the rest of my days being kind of friends with the woman who broke my heart.

    • Hi Allen,
      I am sorry to read your story and know that you are in so much pain. Have you gone to therapy (both alone and together as a couple)? For many months I felt tormented by the pain of my husband’s affair. I felt like it was a dark shadow looming over me every day no matter where I was or who I was with. One of the things that helped me during the first year was talking to my husband about the affair. I asked questions and most of the time what I thought or imagined in my head was way worse than the truth. So asking my husband these questions clarified what actually happened. It helped me let go of some of the pain.
      Around the one-year mark from my D-Day I was frustrated that I couldn’t escape the affair. Even if I wasn’t sad anymore–it was still there. It was still lingering in the back of my mind. Or certain common words, places or phrases triggered me to think of the affair. I was angry–was the affair going to haunt me forever? Was the only way to escape it to leave my marriage? I didn’t want to leave my marriage though. Not just for the kids but because I do love my husband and we had rebuilt our marriage. I felt like things were better. It sounds like you are struggling to get that last part though–feeling like your marriage is worth saving.
      Your wife’s affair happened because something was lacking within her–she needed something and she was afraid to reveal that to you. It’s not right and it doesn’t justify anything but you I hope you can accept this and move forward. It’s so difficult to let go of the pain of betrayal. Someone said to me recently that the impact we feel from someone’s actions is not always their intention. I think those words are so true in terms of betrayal.

    • That’s where I am right now and it scared me. Sometimes I try and tell myself fake it until you make it, but I just don’t see him the same way. He cheated on me with his secretary while I was in Dallas taking care of our son who was getting chemotherapy, and then ended up pregnant. I was 8 months pregnant when I found out. The things he said during were so hurtful. He says it was all a blur and he is a changed man forever. But honestly, the deep love and yearning I had for him isn’t there anymore

      • Wow, my feelings exactly. It’s been 8 months since I learned of the affair and almost a year since it took place. We week-long tryst with an old friend of hers. I knew about the friendship, but was so secure in my relationship….Either way, we are working on getting through it. I’ll admit, coming up on the year anniversary of when it happened it playing with my head (as is every song, movie, video, etc. depicting and affair or hot steamy sex). I always viewed our relationship as “us against the world” and now I just don’t feel the same way about her or our marriage. I love her, don’t want to be without her, and want it to work. She says she likes our new marriage (as we try to rebuild) and I agree it’s better than where we were when it happened, but my love for her isn’t stronger…it’s weaker than it was. That special place I had in my heart for her is empty….she isn’t as special, caring, or committed as I thought.

    • I have the exact same feelings. My husband cheated on me and it’s been a little over a year ago. I feel like I’m living with a roommate It’s a helpful partnership with life duties and my son is happy but my “love life” with my husband is non existent. I pretend to enjoy sex with him but can no longer enjoy it even though I used to highly enjoy it and have awesome sex with him. I can’t reach orgasim with him either and that’s never been an issue with me. The affair is always there and I can’t ever feel the same way for him or trust him. He had my unwavering trust (I don’t see that much from females I’m around) and I felt totally safe and secure with him. I’ll never have that with him again. I also don’t think I’d stop him if he ever wants to leave. I also can’t picture a future with him.

  8. This is the very reason I chose th name “Forever Changed”. I will never be that woman again. I will never love my husband the same way. I am forever changed. Many days I don’t want to fight for my marriage, but I don’t want my children to feel this pain. I don’t want them to know who their father really is because I would forever have to see the pain in their eyes. So I stay. Not for him, but for them. We are forever changed through no choice of our own.

    • HI, I can relate to your post, even though I know it’s an old post. I am struggling and searching for answers, wondering if I have gone crazy or if I just don’t have the will to try to keep trying to stay with him. It’s a daily struggle and I can feel myself falling into a depressive state just trying to cope with it everyday.

  9. My husband and i met young. He was my first as I wanted to wait for marriage due to my beliefs. We met 19 years ago. Married 15 years ago. I told myself he was the man of my dreams. A man that never beat me or was verbally abusive toward me like my dad was. Life was good, we had our ups and downs but i was determined that MY marriage was going to work. Even with the terrible days or arguments, our 2 daughters deserved…as well as our marriage….to fight in doing what ever i could to make mom and dad happy and continually in love. Then in Nov 2013 I caught my husband texting his long distance texting girlfriend of 4 years. He lied to me for weeks. I did research on our cell phone bills. He lived about 4 hours away and he talked, sent thousands of texts and video messages. I was horrified but felt i still loved him and we could work on this. I wasn’t backing down. Then a week later the bomb shell hit again. He promised it was only texting, video and phone calls. Just 6 months before that, he had went to her house when he was on his way for a class. He claims they didn’t have sex….but did everything else short of it….he couldn’t “handle” himself if you know what i mean….for very long and he finished quickly. No actual sex according to him. She was disappointed but told him they needed to get together another time so they could actually do the whole “act” as they discussed doing to each other over 4 years. I was heart broken again. I told him….tell me EVERYTHING! I NEED IT ALL NOW!!! Lay it all out on the line now….he still didn’t. We were talking and discussing his “relationship” with her. He handed me his phone to show me her number was deleted, “hidden” pictured on his phone gone as well. When another women text him and said…..don’t worry our secret is safe with me. He went to take the phone from my hand and i jerked it away. he text ANOTHER woman to tell her that he was going to tell me that they “kissed” once but that was it. They had sex….3 times….once just months before we got married, right after we got married and then again right after we had our first daughter. Another blow to the self esteem, I was 20 years old then. 15 years ago, and i am just now finding out this stupid virgin her put all her trust and love and commitment in this man has been a lie. My love was true. I meant every word i said when i looked into his eyes and said “I do”. I love him so much. Now I didnt know what to do. I screamed and yelled and screamed some more….kids were at my brothers at this point. I told him ENOUGH NO MORE LIES WTF IS GOING ON!!!!!!! He broke down. at least i thought. He told me he received a BJ from another lady right before we got married. Had sex those 3 times with this other lady as i described above. Then we moved and he said he didnt do or find anyone up until 5 years ago when he started looking in to Craigslist and Ashley Madison website. He then starting “sexting” or trying to, a few women and then he met this original woman at the beginning. He felt like she was far enough away that he didn’t have to worry about actually pleasing her and that they could keep a “sexting” relationship going until they were “done” with each other. He decided she wasn’t enough so he found 2 other women on Craigslist…that lived only 40 miles away. He met one at a truck for a BJ and the other he continued to sext and video message and pictures of themselves for weeks and then he said that one stopped texting. I was hurt beyond words could describe. I hit the floor because my legs wouldn’t hold me. I am stupid, I am not good enough. and a million other things going through my head. I then thought….wth is wrong with my husband. I called a man who i thought could help him or even give us a direction to go. My husband went to talk to him, in tears and defeated. Apologizing, offering to get a new job, change his cell phone, called all the women to tell them NO MORE in front of me. They all hung up the phone like he was trash. No big deal to them. He really meant nothing to all of them. I went out with friends one weekend as they felt i needed it. I went out and all night i felt like something was wrong. I called my husband and from somewhere in side me I asked about another girl. He said did you see here there, what did she tell you??!! OMG….was all i could think, He slept with my Best Friend a few months before we got married. Not one i’m friends with anymore…maybe this is the reason all of sudden she stopped talking to me! I just wanted to go home, crawl in bed and never leave. Its now July 2014, I still hate my husband. But im still here. I don’t know what to do. somedays i feel like i need to stay. Because it was also reveled during counseling that my husband was sexually abused for 8 years, starting when he was 6 years old, by a family friend…a man. I don’t know much about sexual abuse as a child but know plenty on phyical, mental and verbal abuse that i received all growing up. I feel like in some ways maybe that messed him up royally. is he a sexual addict, does he lie to me about everything, is there more? I don’t know what to do!!! I’m stuck. I feel like i’ve tried but now for some reason i am at the stage of just saying whatever, i hate you, don’t talk to me, see that im pissed off still, but i’m gonna rub it in your face as long as i can. I cringe when he trys to touch me, hold my hand or brush my hair. I back away like he is a stranger. This has done so much damage to me, our marriage,….everything. Your right, this is something that will forever change me. at this point…not for the good. and i don’t know how to look pasted anything else. HELP!!!

    • I am sure the abuse did affect his view and treatment of emotional and physical relationships. He learned from a young age that sexual attention was a source of shame.
      I am sure it does feel like your husband is a stranger. There’s an entire side of his life/personality that was repressed and hidden from you and everyone in his life. But nothing is an excuse for his behavior. He needs to accept his actions and work on recovery if you are ever going to trust him again.
      You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. It’s more than eat, sleep, breathe for you because you are harboring anger and resentment that’s a negative force in your life. Can you let go of the anger and focus that energy on his actions not him? If you truly do hate him then try to get space from him so you can heal yourself. The focus is on rebuilding your strength and self first. Trust your instincts but know that any decision you make now does not need to be permanent. You will figure out what to do with time.

  10. There’s no words to describe this kind of pain. It has to be the closest thing to death that there could be and be a living human beings. Three months from my Dd and I am still trying to recover from the shock of it all. My husband and I have been married for 38 years we have regular sex and I thought we had a good sex life and marriage. He’s 68 and I’m 61. Three months ago he announced that for two weeks before he had been visiting prostitutes. He had unprotected sex with 6 prostitutes the total of 7 times. Hurt and shame you name it. I still wish he had never told but because of STD’S the Dr. told him he had to tell me. Sure enough we had Clyamida. Only by the grace of God we want end up with worse. We will be going for regular blood test for the next year. It’s like my husband could care less what’s he’s done to me. He’s extremely worried about his self. He has done little to help our marriage. He was almost arrested so he has quite driving down Main Street and I go with him most every where. We have many problems in our 38 years but never Infinitely. I have forgiven him because I love him but it’s like we have went back in time 38 years and I’m filling like I’m trying to deal with some of the same issues we started out with in the beginning of our marriage. I’m not sure my health will make it at my age. I am dealing with chest pains and other health issues. I hope other ladies aren’t going through any of these issues.

  11. I felt the pain and saddnes of my husbands 9 month affair with an exgirfriend. He loved her. I know because I befriended her and gained her trust. She told me and showed me every piece of communication. She miscarried his child. He spoke of his love for her, how he wished it were her instead of me. He said these were lies. I demanded a meeting with his lover. He had to sit in between his wife and gf and explain. I watched them argue like teenagers. I thought she would be so much better than me if he was willing to throw away 18 years. I was so in love with him. He wants to fight for our marriage. 2 years later I am still here. I don’t feel the same about him. We opperate like cordial roommates. I’ve had an affair with an amazing doctor. I’m working on an advance degree in a prestigious school. I’m exercising and feeling good. I feel pity for my husband, but nothing romantic. I’m lonely but filling myself with God, my two amazing kids, school, work, and good friends. I didn’t chose this affair and it won’t define me. I love my kids and will stay so I can give them the quality of life they are accustomed to and the normality they deserve. I have no desire to be that naïve young girl or fix my marriage. I will never sit in such a vulnerable position. My marriage is not terrible so for now I will use it to satisfy what needs to occur….after all isn’t that how he structured it when he chose an affair? Here’s to healing…however it may appear!!

    • Healing does seem to take on it’s own appearance as time goes on. I understand where you are in so many ways. While I do feel like my marriage is stronger and I truly love my husband, I also realize that I stayed for the children more than anything else. I didn’t want to raise my kids in two homes, or give them up every other weekend, or worry about who has them on the holidays. I didn’t want them to be affected by his decision to cheat. But it doesn’t make it easier… because I’ve realized that so much has changed.

  12. My husband of 27 years had a 2 year affair and walked out the door within hours of telling me. I had lost my job our ill son and two Grandchildren were living with us. In the weeks that followed I found out he had been taking loans against his 401k and our credit cards were all maxed out. He loved her and wanted to try this with her he told me. Within a month he was back doing everything he could to let me know he made a mistake. It’s been 3 years the love isn’t there for me we live like roommates. My advice if your young go…….your marriage will never be the same.

  13. My husband had an affair with his secretary 7.5 months ago. It was sexual for 6 weeks, but emotional before that. That year before I was gone with my 2 year old son in Dallas, 7 hours away to administer him chemotherapy for one year. He came every other weekend to visit. It was such a hard year. He was so angry instantly when I told him I didn’t feel comfortable traveling with him back home because of his counts. He always made me feel like I could never do enough. I was just simply trying to survive the harsh treatments. He obviously felt very neglected. The day we were moving us out of Dallas we had an oops and I found out I was pregnant. He was so angry. He wanted his buddy back to hang at the barn and drink beer. Be his partner again. So when I ended up pregnant, he basically said f-me and became close to his secretary. They drank beer and drove around, I found erased texts they had going on. I missed every single clue. He said he wanted time apart for a few weeks to think about things. He was being beyond hurtful. Saying absolutely horrible things to me. I was in such denial. I was 8 months pregnant and he watch my son and I pack up and stay in a hotel in the city. He said he needed to stay because we had horses. She came to my house and they had sex there and grilled out. I told him I was too pregnant I wanted to be home, we switched and he took her out on dates in the city. I was still clueless. Her husband contacted me with stuff on her phone. I still defended him. We went to therapy that week. I could tell the therapist knew. Finally, she confessed and her husband texted me all the details. I freaked and he broke down. Said he would fight for us. He was just so mad, and it was never anything else. I could tell it was more for her. Long stor short, we are 7.5 months out and I’m scared. I just don’t have the same love for him. We feel like roommates. I used to have so much interest in sex, and looked at him with so much love. But each day is just a challenge to forgive. I’m tried and discouraged. I’ve prayed with friends that I can forgive. We live in a small town so everyone knows. Our entire town supported us during our sons cancer, so I can’t imagine what they think of him. I just don’t see him the same way. I just need advice. I think I still love him, but it’s not the way I used to feel. Will it get better? It makes my stomach cringe thinking of splitting my family apart, but i want to look up to my husband. Be so in love again! Do I just need more time? There are so many triggers all around me. I’m just so tired….

    • You are still in the first year. I remember being at 6, 7, 8 months. It was difficult and I was still suffering from triggers. It was impossible to imagine having a day without being triggered and I just wanted to not be reminded of the affair. You will get there but it takes time. Just keep focusing on what you need. Be honest with what you need. You will see the marriage you build after the affair can be stronger and better than you ever imagined.

  14. This is an older post, but it is my life exactly. Will I ever be truly happy again? We are both trying so hard, but it is like an elephant in the room all the time. How do I know if I need to move on. Right now I feel as though I will never be in love with him the same way again, even though I will always love him…This is so unbearably hard and confusing.

    • Love is different after the affair. I have found that negotiating and learning to understand the post-affair marriage is not always easy and it can be very confusing. It’s easy to say from the outside that it’s not healthy and we deserve better – but that does not mean that the marriage is bad or going to fail. Love is not black and white, relationships are not always perfect, infidelity is not right but it happens to even good marriages. Learning to move forward in the face of failure is the struggle we face.

  15. my husband had a 2 month affair in 2012. He tried with all his power to make it up for the next 2 years but I was beyond hurt. And I let myself fall into a “revenge mode” and paid back with the same coin in 2014, its now 2016 and we are good most of the time but now we’re just 2 broken people trying to mend this marriage and it keeps coming back, more to me than him, my pain was unbearable. He has been pretty good at handling my affair. But im still beyond wounded. We have 3 kids and im afraid we cant save our marriage.

    • Hey Alba,

      I know your post is old but I can relate to your feelings so well. His affair was 6 years ago and yet I still struggle daily. We have 3 kids and I feel like most days, they are the only reason I am still there.

  16. Thiswillnotdefineus:

    Your story is eerily similar to mine. Is there anyway I could contact you directly to talk more? It’s so hard to find situations that are nearly identical and you’re about 3 years ahead of me in this process. I need your insight and experience.

  17. I am stuck in this very loop right now … “Will I ever not feel pain? Will I ever trust him and my decision to stay and rebuild? Will I ever not feel like I deserved more?”

    I love my husband … or at least the man I thought I married … the verdict is still out on the new version that I’ve been introduced to over the past 11 months. I struggle with knowing which version is the real man.

    I keep coming back to your page hoping that you’ll post an update. I held tight to your blog for the first few months after DDay (06/20/17) because you were one who conquered it all … but we’re human. Life is forever changing. But I still hold hope that you are still conquering it all and finding that the efforts you put forth to save your marriage was worth it in the end.

  18. I have followed this post for the same reason. D-day was 4/1/2016.
    I thought I loved the man I married, but love this new version so much more as he continues to work on himself both emotionally and physically. He continues to try working on integrity and honesty. There’s an occasional shortcoming, but never intentional. By this I mean he didn’t tell me ahead of time that he would be seeing her that day (they work together). But he would inform me as soon as he got home.
    We both had individual counseling and couples counseling for a LOOOOOONNNGGGGG time!!!! No amount of money was going to prevent us from trying everything we could to see if this will work…. and I’m glad we stuck it out!

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