Last night I asked him to read JR’s Rock Bottom written by fellow blogger and Glitter Girl, Kayboo24. I asked my husband to read the post because I wanted him to see that his feelings of self-hatred and loathing were both normal and unhealthy for our marriage. I’ve asked him to move forward and forgive himself. It’s possible to hate the behavior without hating the man. I see that JR’s struggle to forgive himself is the same issue plagues my husband.
My husband read the post and agreed, saying that he feels exactly the same as JR. He hates himself, he feels like he doesn’t deserve me and questions why I stay with him. He loves me and wants me here but he feels like I am forgiving the unforgivable. I wanted to discuss it more with him but then he did something unexpected.
My husband began clicking around until he was brought to my blog. I silently watched him scan my posts… reading the initial sentences before deciding to click on my recent post A letter to myself, a betrayed wife. He began reading and I felt my eyes well up. A tear fell from my eye and I realized I was emotional because I felt he was reading something so personal in my presence. I know he randomly reads my blog but not on a regular basis. I think he is afraid of what he will read. Afraid that reading my pain or even hopeful words will cause him more guilt and pain. I tell him what I write about in my posts but that is very different from him reading it. And it’s very different watching him read it in front of me.
He read through a few posts. Slowly. Taking in the words but not speaking. Not looking upset or angry or guilty. He just read. I had a load of laundry that needed folding so I got up and started doing the laundry. Once he finished he had to go and make a fruit salad for a breakfast the next day at work. When he came back to bed I was half asleep. I felt him get into bed and kiss me. I felt his hand caress my body, bringing me close to him, kissing me deeply and passionately. I felt my hips pull in close to him. Our evening ended wrapped up in each other, making love…
The thing is I plan to write him a post soon too. A letter to my husband. I plan to write it soon. I don’t want to focus on the pain on this journey, but I also cannot ignore it either. But this post is my promise to move forward. To take steps towards change and hope every day and every moment.