Affair recovery is hard work. Here I am, nearly eight months from my D-Day. I see progress in both my emotional & psychological stability and our marriage. In many ways I feel like our marriage is better than it’s ever been. How is that fair?
One of my good [single] girlfriends told me today she realizes that she knows she needs to choose her husband wisely because he will share the responsibility for her happiness. I spoke up and said: “well, you are responsible for your own happiness. But I hear you.” She continued to say that whoever she brings into her life will have a direct impact on her well-being and happiness.
This begs the question: Am I happy?
I think I am. Most of my days are good. I smile, play with my kids, laugh with friends, kiss my husband and make love to him. But every day is tainted by his affair. I have not had a day in seven and a half months where I haven’t thought about my husband’s affair. I haven’t had a thought about the affair that wasn’t followed by sadness, doubt or despair.
I see how my husband pulled away from me during his affair. Before his affair he feared I wasn’t attracted to him anymore because our sex life had decreased. This bothered him but he never said a word to me about it. During his affair I think his AP made him believe I wasn’t attracted to him. He says she never said anything about me to him but you don’t have to say things directly to make people believe propaganda. Just her asking him for sex on a weekly basis is enough to make him think I wasn’t attracted to him. Then you add to that her sending him two or three sexual emails a day and you would be foolish to think that I was the one attracted to him because I do not send him sexual emails. I am sure it was her plan too because she knew from the beginning that was his fear. The seed was already planted all she had to do was water it. And oh, how it grew. The more he believed I wasn’t attracted to him the less he initiated sex with me. The less he initiated sex the less attractive and desirable I felt. The less attention he paid to me the more I felt emotionally disconnected. The less connected I felt to him the less I initiated sex. This also led to my unhappiness and ultimately that is what led me to discover his affair. I realized that my happiness was not within my control and that the man I was sharing my life with was not giving me what I needed. That’s what led me to the truth… or did it lead me to his lies?
When I assess my life now, I wonder if all this work is worth it.
I have to believe yes.
But there are moments where the doubt creeps in and sets your mind on fire. Pain is one of the strongest triggers in our brains and it’s the most difficult to reprogram. The pain was triggered in my brain yesterday. I had an amazing day with my husband but yet I saw a license plate on the car ride home that said OMG OMG. OMG triggered my brain to remember her countless emails that were titled that (I am guessing to build my husband’s ego that he was so amazing in bed).
Right now, my biggest question to him is why was he more worried about being the bad guy in her life than being the villain in mine? He says he didn’t walk away from her because he didn’t want to be the asshole and leave her all alone. Yet, his cheating hurt me more than his leaving her caused her pain. He knows that now but why can’t cheaters see the truth while they are in the affair? Why were my needs not important during his affair? Why were his needs unimportant? I guess all I can say is it was his impaired psychological state. He behaved like an addict, returning to his AP even though each time he went to her to get his ego stroked he walked away feeling worse about himself and even more like a failure. He kept returning for that high… . Even though he says he could see right through her paper thin compliments and attention, like a junkie he kept going back.
So there we were in the car yesterday with me directing questions at him. He always answers them but this time he answered them quietly and I could see he was hurt (not by me, by himself). He recognizes that we can have a beautiful day together but the affair always finds a way to creep back in and muddle it. I have very little sympathy and he doesn’t expect any or even mention his pain to me. I just see it on his face and in his eyes. He caused this pain by his actions and he must learn how he will survive it.
The journey of affair recovery is hard but so far, it’s been worth it.