Fear and Hope For My Future

I have, I have to be honest though, I have all the hope and ambition in the world. But when I think about the future, the truth is, I am really scared. -Diane Court | Say Anything

I’ve been walking along this journey fairly confident. I know I love my husband and I know and see how much he loves me. I look at my kids and think I am truly blessed and fortunate to have three healthy and happy children. But, just like Diane Court in Say Anything, the truth is am very scared.

My husband’s infidelity has thrown me off track, off the course I had been happily plodding along upon. I am trying to accept that it’s possible that life wasn’t as perfect as I once believed… In my mind perfect doesn’t mean flawless. It doesn’t mean that I cannot make a mistake. It means that I grow and learn from each mistake and turn it into a life lesson. I struggle with understand why I needed this life lesson?

As an artist, you start to recognize that imperfections have a tendancy of bringing character and interest to a piece. If you focus on hiding or covering up an imperfection it ultimately looks worse. Like when I watch an artist on tv and they just embrace their brush strokes on the canvas or medium. I think, why couldn’t I just let my instincts take control? Why must I focus on a straight line or perfect circle?

My marriage has become a piece of art. The flaws are what are making it unique and special. Maybe those strokes that were thought of as mistakes are what will make a masterpiece.

But, honestly, right now I am scared. I lay in my bed last night weeping with my husband’s arms wrapped around me. I admitted my fear to him. I am afraid of this journey as much as I know I cannot escape it. I want to skip all the pain, tears and struggles and just get to that better place I hear couples talk about… the other side of infidelity. The promised land for those who do the work. I am so tired of having a good day ruined by my inner pain. I am exhausted and it shows. I look in the mirror some days and see circles and bags under my eyes.

It’s scary this world I live in. Some days I think I may never recover and that’s the brutal honesty of it all. Most days, I look at my life and wipe away the dust and grime and I see a beautiful life. I am starting to realize what is in my power to change and what I need to release from my grasp. Some days are rough and I can’t explain why they creep into my life after a string of great days and weeks. The doubt that fills my mind can be daunting but I am learning to not drown in my pain. I am treading water, kicking hard and keeping my head above water. Trying not to let my fear of the future create my future. I have the power to create happiness and joy. I have the power to do anything I want with my life. I don’t have to let the actions of anyone else change my heart or my life’s course.

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14 thoughts on “Fear and Hope For My Future

  1. It’s been over 4 years since the first dday. Almost a year since the second. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to that place where its ok again. Where marriage is a safe, secure, happy place to be. I hope it can be. I’m just stuck in a place where I am scared I’ll never feel joy again.

    I hope your husband can be open with you and you two recovery without all the mess I’m in.

    • Thanks… I am hopeful that we can restore things and my fears will subside to a point where they aren’t in the forefront of my mind. I doubt the fear will ever go away completely because my reality has proven me this point in the cruelist way.

    • Thank you…. This line stood out to me: “Is your definition of love large enough to encompass profound failure?”

      I never thought before his affair that I would say yes, my definition of love does include profound failure. But, I know I still love him. I know I still want him in my life. It’s the idea of how things “should” be that gets in the way of my healing.

      • Great comment … I think that love and marriage should be large enough to absorb “profound failure” — which is the very definition of my wife’s affair. I don’t want to be part of a triangle where I don’t know what is going on, so the lies, deception and manipulation are difficult to process. It is making judgment calls about our future and those of our kids given the ambiguity an affair creates. Any thoughts on how to remove the ambiguity?

  2. I know exactly what you’re going through and I’m truly sorry. Just the other night I woke up from a nightmare, screaming, and plainly stated to my wife that our marriage wasn’t going to make it. It’s a very haunting feeling and I hope you can find peace in some form. My blog is really aimed more towards men but I hope something I’ve written will speak to you as well.

  3. It seems you are suffering the effects of some kind of post traumatic stress like the rest of us and they say that simply time and your spouse’s willingness to change will take away those feelings but it won’t be easy and can take years. Read Barbara Steffans’ book and you will have your feelings validated. It has been 9 months since my discovery and the very same thing happens to me. I still feel so robbed of happiness and joy and wonder if it is ever coming back.

  4. Your post was very beautiful and honest. I completely understand where you are coming from. As I read it I kept nodding and thinking to myself, yes, exactly! I feel that way too…I know what she means. I agree with you…the fear can be OVERWHELMING. It would be nice if we COULD skip over all the pain and agony, and just get to the point where we are in a much better place! Some days I just want to escape; it all hurts too much. But maybe we wouldn’t appreciate being in that better place as much if we didn’t experience the pain first.

    Thank you for sharing your heart. 🙂

  5. Amazing and inspirational words! I am also sharing this rollercoaster on a similar timescale to youra and your words are truly reassuring. I hope you have some comfort in this and you also have something you can turn to which gives you inspiration and hope!!!! May this time go as gently as possibly for you…

  6. You know my hormones are usually to blame for bad days now..there is a very definite pattern and when it happens I am needy and lacking in confidence and just down. I’ve just come back from seeing friends who lost their 3 yr old in v traumatic circumstances 18 months ago and compared to them I am so lucky – I have my 2013 great husband – who adores me and whom I adore (when hormones don’t drag me down!) – my life could be wonderful for 40 long years with him – better than the 40 years I would have had with him had we not addressed things following my discovery. I am very clearly on an up at the moment, and it is far more enjoyable state than the downer I was in last week 🙂

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