I have, I have to be honest though, I have all the hope and ambition in the world. But when I think about the future, the truth is, I am really scared. -Diane Court | Say Anything
I’ve been walking along this journey fairly confident. I know I love my husband and I know and see how much he loves me. I look at my kids and think I am truly blessed and fortunate to have three healthy and happy children. But, just like Diane Court in Say Anything, the truth is am very scared.
My husband’s infidelity has thrown me off track, off the course I had been happily plodding along upon. I am trying to accept that it’s possible that life wasn’t as perfect as I once believed… In my mind perfect doesn’t mean flawless. It doesn’t mean that I cannot make a mistake. It means that I grow and learn from each mistake and turn it into a life lesson. I struggle with understand why I needed this life lesson?
As an artist, you start to recognize that imperfections have a tendancy of bringing character and interest to a piece. If you focus on hiding or covering up an imperfection it ultimately looks worse. Like when I watch an artist on tv and they just embrace their brush strokes on the canvas or medium. I think, why couldn’t I just let my instincts take control? Why must I focus on a straight line or perfect circle?
My marriage has become a piece of art. The flaws are what are making it unique and special. Maybe those strokes that were thought of as mistakes are what will make a masterpiece.
But, honestly, right now I am scared. I lay in my bed last night weeping with my husband’s arms wrapped around me. I admitted my fear to him. I am afraid of this journey as much as I know I cannot escape it. I want to skip all the pain, tears and struggles and just get to that better place I hear couples talk about… the other side of infidelity. The promised land for those who do the work. I am so tired of having a good day ruined by my inner pain. I am exhausted and it shows. I look in the mirror some days and see circles and bags under my eyes.
It’s scary this world I live in. Some days I think I may never recover and that’s the brutal honesty of it all. Most days, I look at my life and wipe away the dust and grime and I see a beautiful life. I am starting to realize what is in my power to change and what I need to release from my grasp. Some days are rough and I can’t explain why they creep into my life after a string of great days and weeks. The doubt that fills my mind can be daunting but I am learning to not drown in my pain. I am treading water, kicking hard and keeping my head above water. Trying not to let my fear of the future create my future. I have the power to create happiness and joy. I have the power to do anything I want with my life. I don’t have to let the actions of anyone else change my heart or my life’s course.