The Blame Game

crossroads_detailI am at a crossroads. I’ve been marching along on this journey of healing, rebuilding my marriage and self-discovery for eight of the longest months of my life. There have been times I believed I was healing at breakneck pace. At one point, I believed I could get through this faster than any other betrayed spouse. Don’t we all want to believe that we can take some kind of accelerated course and find ourselves on the other side of the healing? Don’t we all want to feel like Anne Bercht and say that our husband’s affair became the best thing that ever happened to us?

With a huge gulp, trying to swallow those words, I nod my head begging for his infidelity to have some positive meaning in my life. Well, of course it has meaning. His affair has changed me. Regardless of his intention or motivation, he gave his time and energy to another woman. Last night as we lay in bed I asked him how it feels to know she lied to him during their entire relationship. How many conversations did they have based upon her lie that she was separated and going through a divorce? How many times did he go to her just because he felt sorry for her and felt like he was the only person she could talk to? Then I wondered what lies she told him that he doesn’t remember because he didn’t respond to them. I pondered out loud how tiring it must have been for her to keep up with all her lies.

Then I had to laugh. Shit! How hard was it for my husband to keep up with the lies he was telling me? Here I am asking him how it feels to know he was lied to by some woman who means nothing to him and is out of his life forever. Yet, here I am, married to a man who lied to me for the same period of time. For the most part they were lies of omission. But, there were times he flat out lied. He lied to me a year ago on the only night he took her out on a “date.” I called him for two hours trying to find him. When he finally called me back he lied and said he was out with his boss. He lied to me the night she stopped by his office and they had sex and he came home late. He lied when I told him I didn’t trust her and he compared their relationship to one I had with a male co-worker. Guess what? I wasn’t sleeping with my co-worker. In the end her lies don’t matter to me, only his.

Back to my crossroads (sorry for the tangent). I have been at this stop sign for a few weeks unable to get myself in first gear and continue. I am done hating the other woman. The facts are that she is evil, crazy and she tried to steal my husband. I am not blaming her for my husband cheating on me but I know her lies influenced his decision. What I realize now is that I must hold him fully accountable for the affair. He’s been willing to accept this responsibility all along but I wasn’t giving it to him. I was pushing it back on her because it’s easier to hate the other woman than my husband.

Maybe this is a defense mechanism. I hate Bat-Shit and blamed her for the affair and now the blame is shifting back to my husband. I love my husband and the betrayal already stings like a bitch, so it was easier to blame her. We have to believe that our husbands were trapped and tricked into having an affair. He didn’t know he was stepping in shit until he smelled it on his shoes later. The truth is he ignored what was going on in his own life. How could my husband’s affair partner tell him in an email she wanted him to “have this affair” but he didn’t know they were going to sleep with each other until he inserted his cock inside her vagina? He was ignoring his reality and continued to for twelve more months.

I asked him a few nights ago how aware he was that he was having an affair and cheating on me. He said that on a scale of one to ten his awareness was a three at most. He says some days it was a zero. If you watched the VLOG, Getting Caught, from Always Yours, Bee, you may have seen her husband say the same thing. During his affair he was judgemental of a friend that cheated on his wife. He couldn’t see that he was doing the same thing to his wife and family. He couldn’t see that he might face the same consequences of a broken family when his affair was discovered. My husband could completely relate to Bug. His defense mechanism was not allowing himself to absorb what he was doing. My defense mechanism was to not give him 100% of the blame. But now that has changed.

I am stuck here trying to move forward but frustrated by this new phase. I am still hurt by his actions. I want to get moving again but I feel a new sadness. Every time I think I am regaining control my mind slips back into the darkness. How will his affair become the best thing that has ever happened to me? I have to hold onto this blind faith that each phase of recovery is a step forward even if it feels like five steps backward. I hold on to the fact that through this entire thing my husband has been my rock, my support and strength… my best friend. Often times it helps to share my fears and struggles here on my blog. I can share them and then let them go. I am ready for something better now. Let’s go…

ps hope


37 thoughts on “The Blame Game

  1. And how is he responding to this new level of blame/anger? How does he justify his lying now when you bring it up in comparison to the OW’s lying? I hope he at least sees the hypocrisy….

    • He wonders why I didn’t blamed him all along. I think in some ways he feels better knowing I am focused on him rather than the OW. He doesn’t try to justify his lying or actions during the affair. He feels like focusing my energy on the OW isn’t helping us move forward. And he’s right.

  2. I remember reading something about not blaming the other woman because if it wasn’t her there would’ve been someone else. I have a hard time with that. In my Hubby’s situation if there had been a different woman, one that wasn’t a whore with no respect for her marriage or his, it wouldn’t have happened. I think the thought that there definitely would gave been another woman to step into that role is super painful. The truth is it’s both their fault, they’re both liars and thieves. If you figure out how to find that miraculous way to bypass all this crap PLEASE let me know! Praying for you.

    • Thanks. I am searching for that miracle secret short cut to healing. Like you, I don’t know that if there had been a different woman there it ever would have happened. He didn’t go looking for an affair and our therapist seems to think he was a target. None of it takes away the accountability that lies upon my husband. I wonder if a mediocre looking man relentlessy flirted and offered me sex what I would have done? She knew everything to say down to telling him she cared about me and our kids. Such BS. Anyways… I am working on it.

  3. ” Every time I think I am regaining control my mind slips back into the darkness.” I feel like this all. the. time.

    I think my world is looking brighter then I realize its just me lying to myself.
    I hope this becomes the best thing that ever happened to you. I read that book early on, but I cannot afford to go to anything they offer. I do what I can with free stuff on the web, but my husband needs it more than I do.

    Keep ups posted

  4. Thats a really interesting point about awareness. Throughout his affair Mr B’s second guy at work was running around with a girl from their office in another city. It was up to him to pull the guy in line (he was using the company cc to pay for this girls lunches – using the buildings security cameras to stalk her and hacking her emails wtf. HR was coming after him hard)

    I can remember feeling horrible for this guys wife, i kinda know who she is from a local message board.

    It was strange, on my d-day i remembered all this, and had these wild imaginings that he had actually been telling me his story all along. I accused him of making it all up, then i accused him of actually relaying his sick story as someone elses to smokescreen me. It did turn out to be true, I made him show me emails heh. He said it was really hard to tell this guy off, the whole time knowing he was doing the exact same thing. He says he managed to write it off because he was coming from a workplace perspective… So… they will write other peoples wives off too. It doesnt change a thing. Freaks. Theyre. All. Freaks.

    I dont really blame the OW. I think shes whorish and stupid, in fact, i think my pity for her weighs out over anything else i feel. i think she played her part. but as far as im concerned, she doesnt owe me anything, I dont even want to think about her. My thinking about her makes me bring it up., which makes him think about her. which i dont want to be happening any more than it already has.

    • I guess it was hard to let go of the blame on the OW because of the way she pursued my husband ruthlessly. I don’t know that she would have ever accepted no for an answer–but he folded very quickly. And I think I’ve allowed myself to be upset, angry at his decisions but still not put him 100% accountable for the affair. It was easier to blame her and (like you said) she’s a whore and stupid, a waste of my time to think about. I need to stop giving her space in my mind.

      • Mr B was also pursued ruthlessly. But. well; thats what whores do. heh. Ive seen it happen a fair few times with females i know, they want a man, they will go after him… they dont care if hes taken… in fact thats often more of an attraction… It happens, every single day. Im not saying men will always cheat, not all of them will. My dad has seven brothers, not a single one has cheated on their wives. (That my dad knows of, but theyre very shary so im sure he would know if it had happened) But anyway… there will always be a skank out there who is more than ok with trying to make off with someone elses husband. and some husbands, i think especially when they start out as friends, get the guilts about rejecting her advances. yes, some men are just dirty and want to take whatever they please. But from what ive read, it seems for the most part, while selfishness is involved. as well as a fair bit of curiosity, theres also a huge element of not wanting to let a friend down. Sometimes i think im trying to take too much of an objective view as my own defense mechanism. Its, well, if you depersonalise it, a fact of life… It doesnt make it better, maybe a little easier to accept? Weve all gotten a teensy bit (or a lot) jealous when some random starts smiling a little too much at our husband or laughing a little too hard at his jokes yeah?. sometimes we write it off, but it still nags at us.. sometimes we should pay more attention. Its a tricky one, because we want tojust be able to trust that our husbands will keep us safe. Ultimately, thats the issue. not the OW.

        Yeah, now ive typed it out it doesnt seem to have the same affect as it does in my mind heh.

      • What you wrote relates to my life so much. I think when a man is not attracted to a female they consider a friend they let their guard down. They feel like they can have talk to them just like anyone else without any threats. And maybe there is flirting but it’s almost like when guys make dirty jokes with one another–there’s nothing there. Yet, then they start to realize that their wives may not like it and so the first secret is shared. And then as soon as the woman knows one secret exists she sees a window.
        My husband said he felt like sex was required in order to keep her friendship and he didn’t want to lose her friendship or let her down. It sounds crazy now–but at the time he couldn’t see it rationally. She was in his head and telling him everything he needed to hear. It felt good even though he knew it was all BS she was saying… but she was willing to say it. And, more than anything else, my husband trusted he would never cheat either. He loves me, the life we created, everything. But a person can be broken and she knew what she was doing all along.
        I think what you wrote was great… Thanks!

      • hah, that read almost as if im letting everyone off the hook. i hope mr b never sees that because it is most definitely not the case!

      • It’s almost like reading my own story while reading both of your comments here! My husband was pursued as well, many times he told her no. OW was freshly divorced, lost some weight, and super needy. Add a man with porn addiction, who can’t say no, and super needy himself. He ate up everything she told him.

  5. My husband’s affair was fifteen months ago. There are days where I feel the exact same. All I can go back to is the fact that I was not the one to do it. Therefore, this should not be my affliction. Of course, I say this today. Tomorrow, who knows.
    I still wonder. I still think of her and wishing wherever she is, she suffering. I look at my husband and still ache somedays.
    Every passing day is further away from Feb. 23. 2012. That’s all I have is time.

    • Doesn’t it feel like somedays we are just counting the days, hoping with each day’s passing that we will feel better. I agree with you about letting go of the affliction and pain because it was not my choice or affair. He chose this on his own and he should have known what the consequences would be.

  6. Wow! I read this last night and it really hit me hard. I could really feel your emotion. Like you, I feel stuck too. You really want to move forward but it is so hard when even the smallest thing can affect you in such a big way….Stuck, yes, we are stuck because of what someone else did. I want to be released from this HELL on earth. I anxiously await the day when we get to the “other side” of this. The side where things are more normal and the pain doesn’t visit me every day…and when small things stay small…
    My husband is traveling on business right now which is very hard for me since that is how he met the OW. He has been very good about keeping in touch but the other night he kind of blew me off a bit on the phone. I feel like I deserve 100% TLC from him and when I get less I get upset.  So, we started to argue, I felt like he was blowing me off and I told him FU and hung up.  I waited a few minutes and called back to apologize for hanging up and he didn’t answer….I called again and same thing, no answer.  I then texted him a couple of times and no reply.  THIS, I did not like….the ignoring, shut you out treatment.  And, at this point, I think it’s cruel to do that to me, something that really makes me question if he is up to the task here.  Maybe he’s not, maybe he wants to be but isn’t able.  
    My whole body was shaking, literally shaking.  I called the number to the hotel he is staying in and called his room….yes, he was a little surprised since we always talk on the cell.  Anyway, there was more arguing, mostly me, he said I was overreacting and I said, that may be the case but right now that is what we’ve got and I wouldn’t be like this if not for his cheating.  I cried hard, he was indifferent and not saying much.  I told him I hated feeling so needy and asked him if in the 6 years he knows me has he ever seen me like this before….of course the answer was no….so, the correlation is to his cheating.  I told him that I needed to feel important to him, of course he said I was…and that he loved me, blah, blah, blah…
    I may be wrong but I really feel like the cheating spouse has SO much to make up for, that they cannot expect to slack off at all….sorry but that’s the way it is.  I didn’t ask for this, he brought this into our life together and now it can be hellish at times but apparently only for me as he thinks we’re “good”.  When he is away, I need as much as he can give and I really can’t handle late or forgotten calls and commitments.  I know one call may seem like a small thing but, for me right now, nothing is small and everything feels personal.  Most of his contact has been brief and I am not used to that.  It makes me feel unimportant and taken for granted.  He disagrees and feels that we have had alot of contact so “he said/she said”.  
    I’m now asking myself some serious questions:
    Did I make things to easy for him with this reconciliation?  
    Did immediately agreeing to stay together and working on the marriage give him some kind of “pass” in his mind?  
    Did giving him forgiveness make him cocky and a little to self assured?  
    I can tell you that I did not like the treatment I got that night, not at all.  In the end he came around and said some nice things but really, at that point it was hard to receive.  Things ended pleasantly enough, after all, why keep someone on the phone when they are tired and don’t want to talk?  He probably fell fast asleep and I had to take a sleeping pill to avoid being up all night trying to get my emotions back in line….really, that day had been hard emotional work for me, to be pleasant on texts and when he called, I was barely holding it together so it took very little to put me over the edge.  I told him this so he would understand….but does he really?  Who knows, and right now, who cares?  I’m getting sick of this…  And with no one to talk to I am close to the edge now of talking to one of my girlfriends.  I’ve avoided this thus far so that our reconciliation is not affected by others. I don’t know what the hell to do….
    As good as he can be most of the time, he sometimes just completely blows it and that night was one of those times!   
    It’s not that I want him to “pay” for what he did, I just need him to treat me in a way that reflects his understanding of the hurt and how difficult things can be for me.  I felt taken for granted, not a good feeling in the best of times but especially hurtful now.  I don’t want him to necessarily “make up” for what he did rather I want him to be mindful of it moving forward…..of course, what I need and want is for that to be 100% of the time.  I know one could argue that he has been really great and supportive throughout this which is true and that his 90% is way better than some but, even the 10% has great impact.  As good as I feel in the 90%, I feel as or even more bad in the 10%.  I don’t want him to suffer or be punished but I do want him to remain aware of and help to take care of my emotions.  I’ve seen it written by several betrayed spouses that we did nothing wrong but it feels like all or most of the work in the reconciliation is on us, the betrayed spouse.  
    After that call in he ended up not being able to sleep (again) and sent me a text message at 2:45….he said, “Can’t sleep, missing you!  Sorry about last night..Love you sweetheart”.  So, the text sound woke me up and I texted back for him to call which he did.  He apologized and said he was being an ass which I thanked him for and agreed, he was being an ass!  See, it’s not that he was tired and didn’t want to talk that bothered me so much but more how he handled me being upset.  This is where the TLC that I need is so important.  We talked for a few minutes and got off the phone, he told me again that he loved me.  I told him I loved him too and that I hate feeling so needy and that I was mad at him for that part.  He just said over and over that he loved me.  I texted him a thank you for the call and he wrote back and said he doesn’t like when things aren’t right between us and that he loves me.  I told him that he and our marriage mean the world to me and that I just need him so much right now.  I told him that his response to me had scared me because it felt like he didn’t care enough.  He said, no, that I didn’t need him so much, that we need each other and that if we have each other everything else will fall into place, that we can get through anything if we have each other… 
    The next day we had a nice conversation and we did address what happened the previous night, I told him I had been feeling taken for granted and he said he was just tired and that he would have called me back.  He also said he has to work on his response to me, so there’s the awareness that is so important to me that I wasn’t seeing last night.  He may drop the ball sometimes in this recover we are in, but he does rebound well. And see, that comment from him might seem small, but to me, it meant everything and turned this around for me again so, I felt much better after that.  
    I hate nights like we had….the physical effect can’t be good for me.  I wish this part would end but we are still so early in the process I am afraid for what may come….
    The problem is that as good as he has been, I feel that there is this unknown “expiration date” for me to “get over” this and move on and be happy, blah, blah, blah….I fear that these incidents where he slacks off will become more common and that only sets me back further. So again, I’m not sure what to do. I love him and want to stay together. He says he loves me and wants to stay together. We are not each others first spouse, together 6 years and no children. We really have nothing to “hold” us together aside from choosing each other, which is what he says should prove to me that he wants me, not the OW. Somehow though, I still find myself filled with doubt and anxiety…and it goes back to what you said above….he knew what he was doing. In my case it lasted 7 1/2 months. He met her on a business trip and flew to her home state to see her 5 more times. That takes planning and thought and many lies, he KNEW what he was doing.

    Sorry if I’m rambling…

    • I was reading your comment and completely understanding where you are coming from. Two weeks ago my husband told me he might not be able to attend a family event for my family that he’d known about for three months. He was concerned he would not be able to get the time off but yet, he is the boss–why in the world would anyone’s else get precidence over his needs. This isn’t just a family picnic either. I fell off the deep end and started checking his phone records and he felt attacked. Instead of calming me down and walking me away from the edge of the emotional cliff–he decided to wait to talk to me until he got home from work. By the time he got home I was ballistic and there was no helping me. The next day I told him that I NEED 150% support from him–emotional or otherwise. He caused this pain and my own doubts and he needs to clean up the mess. Not me. I shouldn’t be the one doing more work. He said I misinterpretted what he said and he was in meeting after meeting at work and figured he didn’t want to give me two minutes of his attention and then have to go. And like your husband, mine is really doing great more often than not–but when things don’t go well they are amplified because of the affair. They don’t seem to get how they can prevent the volcano from exploding….

  7. i agree to a point. i think that my husband may have just found someone else or maybe not. i think it was about opportunity. but he cheated on me – he broke our vows. initially i did not hate the OW. she hurt me to be sure but i just didn’t get her. i just thought she was really young and messed up. she had been in my home and met my family. so i was hurt but not angry with her. but later on, when the affair ended and when she came to my home to deliberately HURT me by telling lies, to expose him, to get my husband BACK, to wake up my kids at 4 am in the morning.. well then IT WAS ON. now i hate her. so does he. i think in my case this OW was so damaged that she enjoyed stealing my husband and she enjoyed the validation. when i didn’t acknowledge that for her after she lost my husband she wanted to hurt me. and in her case i have NO qualms about hating her. i hope she gets hit by a truck. 🙂

    sorry for the rant!

    • That is such a great point…. I think you hit the nail on the head for my husband’s OW too. She is damaged and enjoyed stealing my husband and the validation she got from making a man cheat on his wife that told her he didn’t want to. I don’t think I will ever not hate the OW. Ever.

  8. I am very much in the same place as a few of you. I don’t want to feel this much pain every day… and I know the type of person I am – that I probably will continue to feel this at this great degree, for a long time. I wake up thinking about it. I fall asleep thinking about it. When I’m driving alone I think about it. When I’m eating alone I think about it. My d-day was May 9, just a couple weeks ago. Its very fresh and new. But the affair was over a year ago, though it had been ongoing for a year itself. It makes me cringe. Makes me sick to think of him with another woman. If find myself wondering if she was younger, thinner, better in bed. Then I find myself thinking that I DON’T want to know anything about her, so as to not create a more real image of this living hell. I want to keep it vague – maybe only if its vague enough will it be that much easier to push aside and continue living my life.

    • Nicole, my d-day was March 22nd….he had just ended it after 7 1/2 months. I know exactly how you are feeling and am so sorry for your pain…are you talking to anyone, going to counseling, etc…?

    • That’s interestig that you don’t know anything about her… I wonder if that keeps the focus on healing your marriage and yourself easier. I don’t compare myself at all to the OW because physically and intellectually she cannot compare to me (I’ll be a bitch when comparing myself to her). I know I can definitely get caught up in the “Did she do this/say this/etc…” . And I think none of it really matters, it’s just my own curiosity.
      It’s always amazing when I have a moment where I realize that I haven’t thought about the affair for an extended period of time. I hate that it’s even a thought that I was distracted from it!

      • I’ll be honest. I can’t stand the other woman. I can’t stand cheaters. Period. Have you noticed that the OW don’t hold a candle to you? They are usually unattractive, or mediocre at best, stupid, and downright obnoxious. My husband thinks back on his side chick and wonders what the hell he was thinking! According to my husband she was dumber than a bag of hammers, could not carry an intelligent conversation, looked pregnant (but wasn’t), ate like a pig, is an alcoholic, has large manly features, constantly interrupted, rung her hands and picked at her legs. Wow, what a catch! Great job there champ! Thank goodness we have integrity ladies!

    • Nicole, my heart goes out for you. I wouldn’t wish to be back at only a few weeks post D-Day. This is such a heartbreaking thing to go through. I’m now 5 months post D-Day and there’s a small space of time during the day I don’t think about what happened and get sick to my stomach about it.

  9. I am struggling with a different side of this problem. My husband was having a texting affair with one of my best friends. I just found out about it on Friday night (he passed out while texting her and when I took the phone out of his hands I found the messages for that day). I was gutted and while he and I are now dealing with our situation, I am not even sure how to handle her. Our husbands work together and so we will see each other at events (her husband doesn’t know), so my not talking to her will scream something to everyone (we have chosen to keep this between us). But I don’t want to see her or talk to her and trigger all these feelings all over again. I don’t want to avoid events or feel that I should have to. I can’t even decide if it would be healthy to confront her about it, I don’t think it will gain me anything and I will likely feel that any apology she gives isn’t enough, she knows I know.

    • I think it’s going to be difficult to regain trust if she’s still a part of your lives in some way. If I were in your shoes I would probably take some time to talk to her about. Plan out what I would say ahead of time. There needs to be a clear boundary drawn so that it’s not crossed again. I am glad you are talking and trying to move forward. There was obviously some validation he was getting from her that he felt he needed. Hopefully, you caught things before they got out of control–that probably doesn’t help with the pain now though.

  10. I pray for you and each and every one of us going through this terrible pain. My D-Day was 5th Dec 2012, so I’m five months into this. I’ve gone through terrible times of hating her, wanting revenge and wanting to know every detail about her. She worked with my hubby – usual scenario – much younger girl – he had a mid life crisis and turned to her instead of me. I feel so many of the same emotions that you are, except my hubby pursued her – she made him work for her attention and the harder she made him work, the more effort he put into it. He tells me that she was a “game” to him. They started out as friends and ended up having an emotional affair that lasted two years. He swears they didn’t have sex, but I can neither prove nor disprove this. After happening across your blog the other day I decided to start writing my story too – hopefully it will help with my healing process too. I tried to do hypnotherapy in the hope that it would fast track my recovery – but unfortunately it hasn’t. I’ve figured there’s no easy way around this. My heart goes out to all going through or who have gone through this or who will go through this.

    • Thank you for reaching out. I am going to follow your story and pray for your healing and recovery too. Writing helps me as I find other people to share this journey and I know I am not alone.
      That is interesting that you tried the hypnotherapy–because I keep wondering if it would give me any relief or help with the pain. I guess you just have to go through this and hope that the other side is better.

    • Hello, I totally hear your story. My D-day was Mothersday 2013. I found him with her, he didn’t confess it. Which I think makes it x100 worse. My husband also worked with her, but she was older and single. It had been going on since December 2012. I just don’t trust him now. It started as just texting for a few months before. I think about his affair everyday, and part of me hates him for it. I don’t know how to get past it??????

      • Hello. I am so sad that you found out on Mother’s day and I hope (for your sake) that you didn’t find them together in bed together. You are still in the beginning of your healing/recovery process and you shouldn’t trust him quite yet. After eight months from my D-Day, my husband has earned back 40-50% of my trust. I am not sure yet if he will ever have 100% back ever because infidelity changed me and my beliefs. I hope that your husband is being transparent and answering your questions. His honesty will help propel your relationship forward. I hope that you are telling him what you need and taking it. Healing takes time…

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  12. i hope things get easier for you, my partner cheated on me quite a few times, we split, gave it a year, in which my baby was born, got back together when she was 2 months old. its now been over a year, i struggle like hell some times, cant stand him looking at other women etc without freaking out a bit, its now been a year and his ex (one of the girls he cheated with: a model) has gotten back in contact with him, she was the reason we split before. she was harrasing my friend for his number, he called me as soon as he heard from her, and yet she still wouldnt contact my partner even though the friend had given his number to her, a few days later she decided to message me, after i said no, if you want to get back in touch with him, message him yourself, he was on the site i was, so it wouldnt have been a problem to her, but she got nasty and very abusive when i said no to her, tried telling me that i will always be second best to her etc, my partner will always love her more than me.
    instead of letting her get to me (to much) i told him i wasn’t comfortable with him talking to her again, i dont care if he has female friends, sometimes it gets to me but on the whole i dont mind, just not her, not after their/our history and the pain they caused me. and he said it was fine, he didnt want to lose me to her again, and promptly blocked her from all the messaging sites, my last message to her was ‘we love each other, he will not be unfaithful again’ and i havent heard from her since.
    sometimes it takes time to heal, even after our gap i was really insecure, but everything thats happened has made him grow up, i think its safe to hate the other woman, as long as the hate doesn’t take over and you end up stalking them,
    i also think once your partner has been put in a position where they face losing you, it makes them realise that they truely love you and dont want to lose you, i know with young kids you can’t leave the home for a bit, but for me time and distance was the healer. it took me about a year to realise that he has changed and for the better, the ex getting in contact again has proved that to me. hes finally bucking up his ideas,
    i think yuor doing the right thing in telling him whenever your in a low mood, even if you dont want them to do anything, it lets them know not to annoy you. i just needed him to reassure me every so often that things were fine, and he wouldnt hurt me again or our daughter, it really helps.
    i hope you feel better soon, your doing amazingly!

    • Thanks… it helps to hear the from someone who is beyond me in their healing. I had a really good weekend and it was nice to get some perspective on what matters in my life right now. And letting go of some of the pain is a big part of that.

  13. Wow, being that this happened to us nearly the same time, it sounds like we are having a parallel experience!! A month or so into it, I thought I was coping well and moving forward, healing and forgiving. 9 months into it, I really feel like I’m going backwards some days!! And there is no reason (as far as something new happening, some new revelation) that I should be going backwards, but yet here I am! I It’s threatening my sanity and my actions. I hate it!

    • Yes– I found out about two weeks after you. This whole process is not linear and I wish that each step forward would pull me up to a new level of healing. But it’s not always the case. I am not sure if I have fully accepted that this happened to me too. It sounds funny to say but there are times where I still want to believe that he didn’t have an affair.
      My therapist asked me if I think about the affair every day still and I wondered if it’s possible at nine months out to make it through an entire day without thinking about the affair. The other day I was crazy busy and I didn’t think about it until almost 8 p.m. … and then I realized I hadn’t thought about it! But I do recognize that not every thought hurts or is painful or angry. Sometimes, it’s just thinking.
      Thank you for reading and commenting. Let’s try to get to September 2013 and redefine that month for us.

  14. thiswillnotdefineus
    Hello beings that I am a man who has been on the recieving end of infidelity, with more than one woman, its not an easy thing to let go of. It has been been for me over 8 years, and I thought the other day that I was over the intense anger , and hurting I felt . But i have one major problem. The last woman involved my immediate family members fed them lie after lie after lie after lie. To the point that my family members have , some of them disowned me, been absolutely horrible, they even attended the divorce hearrings and stood up for this witch.
    They have judged me wrongly, and passed this information on to others of my family members, and even today one of my relatives said to me this statement” man if your talking about this , it makes you look like you did exactly what your ex says you did”.
    But I didnt bring it up because I wanted to keep the anger going, I brought it up because those other relatives had sought me out and rekindled a relationship with me , with the understanding that they were not having anythiong to do with my ex. In other words they lied to me.
    So I put it out there that I would end any way that the ex could get information out of them, because thats her MO. She did it with her ex and now I was the recipient of her BS.
    And frankly I am tired of the whole mess. I will disown them all , and stop all communication with them, I will go quiet immediately, and to a certain degree I have. There is nothing worse than a family member (S) indignant looks and judgmental behavior, and or false accusations about me when they have no clue as to what transpired between me and that witch.
    Infidelity is the most horrible punishment, pain, that another human could ever force onto another human being. weather man or woman. Its extremely traumatic, and borders on PTSD. I know that since then i treat potential mates with an extreme amount of mistrust, I question everything , and everyone they speak to, or say something about.
    I would be willing to say that I have no desire as of today to invest myself into any kind of relationship, and its been well over 8 years. Ive tried , but it appears that I attract the same kind of women, or maybe I see all women as potential cheaters. Facts always speak louder if we see them for what they are.
    1. You didnt cheat on him.
    2. Of course he is going to say “he didnt know what he was doing” My ex said that everything she was telling her new found lover she wanted to say to me, everything she was doing with this man she wanted to do with me, but there is a big problem to her statement, I was home everyday, I was available to gratify her everyday in everyway she wanted. She had me , I was her spouse and that was supposed to mean something to her. But it didnt regardless of all that i had done for her, the times she needed me , her family needed me, I was available. But more importantly I was her HUSBAND, her man. there was absolutely no exscuse for her betrayal that I could except as rational, none.
    there weree reasons as to why in the ancient days that infidelity was remedied with the death of those involved in the affair. And to a certain extent I wish that still applied today. I’d be willing to bet that there would be less divorces and more faithfulness to the spouses, to the vows you give each other.
    But i cant and in reality dont want to help the way I feel.
    And today I would rather spend the rest of what little life i have left alone, I can do things to ease my desires , but I will not venture down that road ever again, with anyone. Out of fear yep , but not the kind of fear that is minute in its dimensions, its the kind of fear that is all encompassing , overwhelming, and complicated to the point that I would rather die than be attached to anyone ever again. If only to not experience the pain of infidelity ever again, It is worth it.

    I am truly sorry for your pain and suffering , and unfortunately everything we experience “changes and defines us”, we can say to ourselves 24/7 that it won’t , but it does that inevitably.
    The best I can offer is empathy and sympathy, and understanding as to what you are and have been going through. Its not easy, and it never will or shiould be for that matter. Hopefully with the passage of time you will find peace in your soul , comfort in your heart, and move on into your life much wiser and stronger. the saying that “whatever problems we encounter in our lives if it doesnt kill us it will definately make us stronger in the end” is factual and unfortunately I am evidence of that end.
    Take care and a speedy and healthy recovery from your pain.

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