I am at a crossroads. I’ve been marching along on this journey of healing, rebuilding my marriage and self-discovery for eight of the longest months of my life. There have been times I believed I was healing at breakneck pace. At one point, I believed I could get through this faster than any other betrayed spouse. Don’t we all want to believe that we can take some kind of accelerated course and find ourselves on the other side of the healing? Don’t we all want to feel like Anne Bercht and say that our husband’s affair became the best thing that ever happened to us?
With a huge gulp, trying to swallow those words, I nod my head begging for his infidelity to have some positive meaning in my life. Well, of course it has meaning. His affair has changed me. Regardless of his intention or motivation, he gave his time and energy to another woman. Last night as we lay in bed I asked him how it feels to know she lied to him during their entire relationship. How many conversations did they have based upon her lie that she was separated and going through a divorce? How many times did he go to her just because he felt sorry for her and felt like he was the only person she could talk to? Then I wondered what lies she told him that he doesn’t remember because he didn’t respond to them. I pondered out loud how tiring it must have been for her to keep up with all her lies.
Then I had to laugh. Shit! How hard was it for my husband to keep up with the lies he was telling me? Here I am asking him how it feels to know he was lied to by some woman who means nothing to him and is out of his life forever. Yet, here I am, married to a man who lied to me for the same period of time. For the most part they were lies of omission. But, there were times he flat out lied. He lied to me a year ago on the only night he took her out on a “date.” I called him for two hours trying to find him. When he finally called me back he lied and said he was out with his boss. He lied to me the night she stopped by his office and they had sex and he came home late. He lied when I told him I didn’t trust her and he compared their relationship to one I had with a male co-worker. Guess what? I wasn’t sleeping with my co-worker. In the end her lies don’t matter to me, only his.
Back to my crossroads (sorry for the tangent). I have been at this stop sign for a few weeks unable to get myself in first gear and continue.
I am done hating the other woman. The facts are that she is evil, crazy and she tried to steal my husband. I am not blaming her for my husband cheating on me but I know her lies influenced his decision. What I realize now is that I must hold him fully accountable for the affair. He’s been willing to accept this responsibility all along but I wasn’t giving it to him. I was pushing it back on her because it’s easier to hate the other woman than my husband.
Maybe this is a defense mechanism. I hate Bat-Shit and blamed her for the affair and now the blame is shifting back to my husband. I love my husband and the betrayal already stings like a bitch, so it was easier to blame her. We have to believe that our husbands were trapped and tricked into having an affair. He didn’t know he was stepping in shit until he smelled it on his shoes later. The truth is he ignored what was going on in his own life. How could my husband’s affair partner tell him in an email she wanted him to “have this affair” but he didn’t know they were going to sleep with each other until he inserted his cock inside her vagina? He was ignoring his reality and continued to for twelve more months.
I asked him a few nights ago how aware he was that he was having an affair and cheating on me. He said that on a scale of one to ten his awareness was a three at most. He says some days it was a zero. If you watched the VLOG, Getting Caught, from Always Yours, Bee, you may have seen her husband say the same thing. During his affair he was judgemental of a friend that cheated on his wife. He couldn’t see that he was doing the same thing to his wife and family. He couldn’t see that he might face the same consequences of a broken family when his affair was discovered. My husband could completely relate to Bug. His defense mechanism was not allowing himself to absorb what he was doing. My defense mechanism was to not give him 100% of the blame. But now that has changed.
I am stuck here trying to move forward but frustrated by this new phase. I am still hurt by his actions. I want to get moving again but I feel a new sadness. Every time I think I am regaining control my mind slips back into the darkness. How will his affair become the best thing that has ever happened to me? I have to hold onto this blind faith that each phase of recovery is a step forward even if it feels like five steps backward. I hold on to the fact that through this entire thing my husband has been my rock, my support and strength… my best friend. Often times it helps to share my fears and struggles here on my blog. I can share them and then let them go. I am ready for something better now. Let’s go…