Nine Months and Counting…

spooningOn Saturday night I climbed into bed with my husband and he folded his body around mine, embracing me. Spooning me. Since I found out about the affair, the comfort of lying in his arms and feeling his body alongside mine has been the security we both need at the end of each day. We were lying in bed talking when I said:

Do you want to know something funny? Well, not really funny but today is nine months since our D-Day. You have been faithful to me for nine months. [I chuckled to lighten the mood.] The funny thing is I didn’t even realize what day it was until around 2 p.m. today. In the past, it’s been like a countdown to the 22nd of each month like I was crossing off days counting down. Today wasn’t like that though. The day didn’t control me.

My husband fell silent and I listened to him breathing. I knew he wasn’t going to shut down but I could feel the thoughts beginning to stir in his mind. I began to prod him after some silence for his thoughts.

My husband is not good with processing his emotions. He can handle expressing his love and opening up to me—but with everything else in his life it can be more difficult. He represses his emotions when he feels stressed or overwhelmed. I guess I was somewhat aware of this side of him for our entire life but I didn’t realize he could be naive to his own emotional state. It’s as if he can see and feel how someone is treating him but his need to be liked, accepted and respected can force him to shut down his own thoughts and feelings for the other person’s demands. Before his affair I could see this behavior with co-workers and family members. Their needs always trumped his own, but with his AP I see it more clearly. Her needs trumped all of ours because he could not process his emotions, so he avoided them and pushed them aside.

After a few minutes I asked him to share his thoughts with me. He told me he was recalling that day, D-Day. We weren’t together when I discovered the affair. He was away for the weekend and I had been suspicious for a long time. I found his secret affair email account at 3 a.m.  I told him I knew about his affair in a text message at around 3:30 a.m., but his cell phone battery had died earlier that night and he didn’t get my messages until he woke up the next day.

This may sound strange but I’ve never asked him how he felt in that moment when he read those messages. I asked him how he got through the rest of the weekend as a group leader for the event he was at—but I never asked him how he felt. What were his emotions on D-Day?

He was scared.

He thought he’d lost me.

He believed he’d lost the only person he ever loved and that he had destroyed everything that was sacred to him. He remembers very little about how he got through that weekend because he was an emotional mess. When he returned home to me I remember seeing a scared man sitting in front of me. I’ve never seen my husband as fearful as he was on that day. He’s always been confident, protective of me and calm but this man was broken and afraid.

We talked into the wee hours of the night about how far we have come since September 22nd.

As we began to get sleepy and tired my husband whispered:

I am sorry for giving you this day, this anniversary of sorts.

I responded:

Before my D-Day the only anniversaries and dates that were of importance were the day we met, our first date and our wedding day. Now we have this day too. For my sake, I need to make our D-Day mean something else. I don’t want to be trapped by this day anymore and today showed me I don’t have to be. I can have a normal day.

One step

Nine months ago I could have never imagined this journey and where it’s taking us. My D-Day was the worst day of my life. But I survived. I realize now that I have to control my destiny. I cannot control my husband and his life choices but I can control how I approach my marriage. I can choose to be vulnerable to my marriage or I can risk being vulnerable to the world.


37 thoughts on “Nine Months and Counting…

  1. Very well written. There is not a greater cry than that of a heart breaking. Mine has been 16 months and one day. Tomorrow is our anniversary…
    The days have gotten easier, but there is this wound that is still tender to the touch, and I think it will be for a while.
    Like you, I cannot be a victim to Feb. 23. I had to survive, and survived, and surviving.
    And still, I am stuck with some things, but I want to believe that things have a way of falling into place at its own time, and that somehow, I am able to find it at the right time.
    The saddest thing is about affairs is that no one wins. We all walk away wounded, torn and broken, and all we have is time and trying to learn who we are, how we need to cope, and somehow, forgive and go on.
    My journey has been long, but gradually, I am coming to. Those days are long gone and I do have tomorrow.

    • You sound like you are in a good place… I know some days are better than others but I appreciate hearing from people that are further along on this journey. My therapist compares the healing after an affair to a wound healing too. She said that just like a wound that has bled, you must heal from the inside. You see the scab and sometimes it peels a bit and bleeds but it continues to heal.

  2. Gosh, I wish I could get to that point. It will be 3 yrs on July 22. I don’t even know if we have begun to deal with it. Everything else in my life was such in an upside down mode when I found out. I don’t believe I have time to even really deal with it. It wasnt until the following March that I sunk into this deep depression. My mom was in the middle of chemo-and I was all she had. My sister disnt help. I had to be strong for my mom thru her last treatment in October. We were getting ready for our adoption of our daughter to be final -that disnt happen until November. I remember when he left. See he left me a note and then ran and hid for a week. My adoption case worker told me “you have to be at least under the same roof for this adoption to go through” I wasn’t going to lose my daughter. We started marriage therapy, but the therapist was concerned about my own state of mind & suggested that he see me alone for a while. I stopped going about 7 months ago. I am so proud (& envious) of how far you have come. The 22nd feels like a 48 hr day to me. Ugh…I feel like I am rambling. I just found this site the other night. It makes me hopeful. I love my husband, but there were 2 emotional affairs before this one. I have zero trust. I am always thinking “could he be? You didn’t know before-why would you know this time ” I live in that statement day after day….I guess it’s like living in fear….thank you for allowing me to ramble. I’m so glad you felt contentment tonight. That’s so awesome.

    • My husband had 2 emotional affairs prior to this sexual affair as well. Dday for me was March 19. We are in marriage counseling and I am seeing someone alone. It is a lot of time and a lot of money for a marriage I am not certain I want to remain in. My questions are identical to yours ” you weren’t sure before, how could you be sure this time?” Suddenly you’re certain that you love me and want to remain in the marriage?

      • I feel exactly like you right now. I just found out a few weeks ago and I am having a difficult time moving forward. I haven’t told anyone except our counselor. I am not sure what do from here. Thank you for sharing your feelings.

      • Hi.
        I can’t be 100% certain but I think after someone has been betrayed to the degree of learning of an affair your eyes are wide open now. You will more than likely know b/c your focus is different now – I never ever thought the word affair and my husband would exist in the same universe let alone the same sentence. You will be forever changed after this sort of life altering experience. So please try not to occupy yourself with “what ifs” just focus on rebuilding and HEALING. You will never be blindsided like you were the first time!! comments welcomed.

      • Hi Lexy,
        Thanks for commenting here. I have OW’s email me on a weekly/daily basis saying how naive we, the wives, are for taking our husband’s back and forgiving them. What they fail to understand is that we are no longer naive about infidelity. Prior to the affairs we were but never again will I be blinded to what is possible, even in the best of times and relationships.

    • Another readder once told me that you have to wade through the muck in order to get to the other side. In many ways she is right… this journey to rebuild my marriage is not one I chose to take but here I am. In the process of healing from the affair I am trying to evaluate how two happily married people could begin to feel like two passing ships in the dark. To everyone we knew we were the couple that was in love with each other, we cared, we were friends… and yet my husband had this affair and lied to me for a year about it. Through looking at what we had and what was working in our marriage I can also see what wasn’t working. I can see where we weren’t being honest with each other and hiding an important piece of ourselves from the person we loved the most. Maybe we were content to just be happy… but there needed to be more.
      Rebuilding trust is not easy. Before our husband’s cheated they had infinite amounts of trust they had stored up. Then after the affair the trust fund is in a deficit and our husbands are operating with borrowed funds. It takes time to earn that back but they have to earn our respect first. Of course there are going to be moments when you suspect your husband might be cheating again–that’s normal for this new reality. But when I start to let that fear build I evaluate what I know and who he is now. My husband knows he has to be 100% transparent with me. I know of wives who have GPS tracking on their husbands after affairs. Whatever you need to do to be able to trust him again is what you have to do.
      Sorry for my rambling now! 🙂

      • i am 2 and 1/2 years on and have finally given up . There was no transparency despite my pleas, just ongoing lies about AP and other issues. Transparency is the key, its the only way you can start to feel some level of trust but if your partner is not willing to give 150% then it will never work.

    • I too have marked the 3 yr anniversary and it was a difficult week. Bought it all back. I still feel in limbo at times. Battling his alcoholism and lack of emotional development. I still don’t feel married or ready to continue to celebrate our anniversary anymore. But I still stay. We have 3 children and my daughter took his affair very hard. I have to stay strong for them and me.

  3. Mines been since Feb 4th,some days I’m fine then days like today I want to hide away and cry until no more tears come,trawling the net for answers why me,why my marriage,should I confront her should I not,looking back at all the years I’ve been with my Husband,our beautiful wedding memories ruined my Husband not the man I thought I knew,my old life gone,I’m left looking for answers,looking back over
    last year in which was my 40th year on this earth and trying to make sense of it all,and they say life begins at 40 I don’t understand any of it,he tells me he hates himself for what he’s done,I’m his true love blah blah blah and today it hurts more than yesterday,I wish I could walk away but my heart wants to stay.

    • Hi Birdy,
      The choice to stay or go is in your hands. I know for me I could see clearly that the relationship I have with my husband is probably a connection I will only find once in my lifetime. I could go out and marry another man but it will never be like this. I hate that he cheated. I hate that he didn’t think to value our marriage before he walked down a road that would change both of our lives and our marriage forever. I hate that he never realized that his life always directly impacts mine whether I am present or not.
      I had to accept that our marriage before the affair is over. Our marriage during his affair is over (that was very easy to accept). But now I have a chance to invest in a marriage that will be better than the amazing one we had before. Your wedding day was beautiful and don’t allow your memories of that day to be clouded by your pain. I know it’s easier said than done.

      • Bless you for your reply its been a bad day today,the thing that kills me is we had an amazing marriage he was my best friend and like you we had a deep connection,i feel so robbed,for nearly a year that he had the affair I never even realised it was going on,no change
        in him,no going out at night nothing,he says he
        never loved her and would of never left me for her so why….. He can’t even answer it,why risk everything for someone you don’t even really want to be with,I’m sorry it’s a bad day,I know I love him but on the same hand I have lost respect for him because how he has made me
        feel,I’ve never felt so low in myself I’ve only told my closet friend as I don’t want all the questions or the pity that family and friends would give,I’ve been like a mad woman I know where
        she lives,that she has got a partner and two grown up girls I hope that she never has to see her daughters get married and find out their Husbands have cheated on them,I’d expect she
        would be devastated and look back and realise I’m someone’s daughter to and the pain she would feel as a Mum would be nothing to what a daughter feels as a wife being cheated on.

      • I thought the same thing about my husband’s AP. She has three young girls. When I discoverd the affair I wrote her an email saying that as a mother of three girls that will be women someday she should only put out into the world what she would want done to not just her–but her daughters.
        I hear you… my husband really didn’t change much either. Now I see little things he was doing when it began to weigh heavily on him but he didn’t love me any less. It does hurt. The pain can swell in my chest so much that I feel out of breath and like I am being crushed by a boulder. I am trying to follow my therapists directions and acknowledge the pain and then distract myself.
        I heard a speech the other day about recognizing all that you have and being grateful for it and that will take you further than you ever knew… When the weight of the affair begins to burden me too much I try to remember what I am grateful for in my life… and it helps. Truly… I hope today is better than yesterday and tomorrow is better than today for you (and myself :)).

  4. D-day for me was last October 21. And when I think about that night I feel like I am suffering from PTSD. It’s like a tidal wave of anxiety comes over me. It has gotten a little better with time but still hard nonetheless. He walked out on me a week after and moved back home at the end of February because supposedly he wanted me back and wanted to work on our marriage. We separated again and he moved out at the end of April. This time I moved into my own apartment too. Since the separation we have gone from zero communication to talking like best friends again. And this within the last few days. The problem is that he is still seeing the homewrecker. But in our intimate discussions the last few days we have managed to break through some difficult walls that have been built up and I finally feel like the man I once knew is reappearing. I struggle with the decision of whether or not our marriage can be saved in the long run. But for today I will take what I can get from our relationship and let the future unfold as it is meant to be.

    • I can relate to what you are saying that the man you fell in love with is returning to you. Life has a way of taking that away and although my husband and I loved each other we weren’t as well connected as we should have been. Three kids, both of us working full-time, volunteering, family committments… it all takes over your life and we put our marriage at the bottom of the list. Foolishly we believed that it would take care of itself and that our love was enough.
      I hope that you husband can break down the walls he put up and start to recognize why he is with Homewrecker.. because most likely it has little to do with love, companionship or anything everlasting…. it’s more about attention and (false) adoration…

  5. I love that I found this blog. Like you Birdy I became like a mad woman. I wanted to find out everything about her, but I didn’t want him to tell me. I was scared of how I would read into it. We live in a small town-my husband coached her kids. Her husband was another coach. She tormented me at first. Sent me letters, would say things if she saw me…..we finally moved out of the town last year. Now we are moving back & I’m scared. Somedays in strong and I think “they have both gone on with their lives-it’s time you did too” & then there are days that it’s all I think about. I almost feel that, after three years, I am just coming out of the fog because I have anger now. Could I be just entering that phase-after 3 yrs? I think we need to start therapy together. I do love my husband. But boy this trust thing is not easy. I also didn’t “catch him” and he “disnt come clean” per se…..her husband knocked on my door to tell me & my husband just happened to be the one that answered. My husband begged him for 24 hrs so HE could be the one to tell me. So he write me a note?! Not a letter….3 sentences. So I spend alot of time wondering if the affair would have stopped IF he hadnt been told he had 24 hrs to tell me. That’s the space of fear I live in. I never ever saw it coming. Happened right under my nose….

    • Why is it so hard to believe that the AP’s have moved on? I feel the same sometimes but then I think why? I don’t even think she was ever even interested in my husband. Just the idea of him… You should go back to therapy or go as needed. My husband and I go just when we feel stuck and it’s helpful to have a third and neutral opinion.

  6. Lovely she tormented you because you had what she wanted,in reality they are living in a fantasy world not real life,sneaking around being deceitful,I can remember saying to my Husband is that the sort of woman you want,a woman who will lie and cheat behind her Husband and two daughters backs,the
    other woman will torment you because reality kicks
    in and she will realise everything that was said all
    the secret meetings etc actually were meaningless and now when found out she’s not the princess she thought she was because she has been was well and truly dumped!
    Rise above her lovely its hard as I’ve been like a
    mad woman,when I first found out, I found out where she lives,I would drive by her house,I would plot
    revenge but reality is she really isn’t worth my
    petrol,my time or even my plot of revenge,I just wanted to see what sort of woman she is,do I measure up,is she prettier,what was the attraction for him all these questions in my head,I have bad days and good and I don’t measure myself to her because I’m a totally different woman to her she sent my husband a message saying your wife is very
    beautiful are we doing the right thing? I smiled to
    myself why does the other woman automatically
    think the man she’s having an affair with would have
    an ugly wife,she felt insecure and I’m glad for that a
    taste of her own medicine I hope it leaves a bitter taste.

  7. I just found out yesterday that my hubby has been cheating on me for the past year or so. Not emotional affairs but he’s gone visiting prostitutes numerous times. The emotions are extremely raw and I honestly hope I can wake up from this nightmare – still in denial mode. We have a one yr old baby. He claimed it started as we were quarrelling a lot after the baby but I found records tt he was searching for women way back in 2010 shortly after we married. I’m completely devastated. We had very regular sex and were still lovey dovey. No one suspected anything.

    Unfortunately I have not decided if I wanted to save the marriage. He expresses remorse and he wants us but I just cannot trust him anymore. I feel dirty and disgusted. Betrayed by the love of my life. I love him a lot but that’s precisely what is making any recovery so difficult. The hurt is too deep. Maybe with passage of time it will heal slowly. I don’t know if I want to give him another chance. Actions have consequences. He broke me. I can’t look at him without thinking about him and the cheap women. I feel like the dumbest fool ever for believing him and supporting him throughout. I even blamed myself previously for not being understanding enough as his work is hectic and he returned home tired. Now I know he’s back late cos he was banging those women. It hurts. I doubt i can ever erase those images.

    Your blog is very inspirational to women who wish to forgive and move on. I share your feelings of betrayal. But I am so angry now, so hurt and so skeptical, I don’t think i can ever trust him again. I don’t think i can get into another relationship again. Id rather be alone and spare myself this pain and suffering. No appetite and I can’t stop thinking about it. My husband cheated on me. Unbelievable and rings in my head non stop.

    I’m happy for u. I wish I could lead a normal life too someday, with or without him. 😦

    • That ringing in your ears of the voice telling you over and over that your husband betrayed you is normal. I remember the pain of each thought as I discovered my husband was not the man and husband he pretended to be. You have to allow yourself to mourn the loss of the marriage you once had–which is so hard.
      You don’t need to know if you are going to stay with him right now. You need to take care of yourself and he should be taking care of you too if you want his support. If you need to get some time away. Take the baby and go visit a friend/family. You don’t need to share your story if you don’t want to… You need to breathe.
      Trust and respect have to be earned. Your husband has gone from 100% to 0% because of his actions and he will have to earn back each point over time if you let him. You are in the driver’s seat in your life and you get to navigate it wherever you choose…..
      The first few days were the worst days of my life and it took a long time before I had a good day. Know that you are not alone and you are not the only one going through this. {{Hugs}}

  8. Devastated the first few days are the worst,I felt lost I went from being a Wife to feeling like a stranger,I never had a clue I never thought this would ever happen to me,I found out because my Husband updated my iPad and somehow he linked them to one another,I can remember feeling my heart pounding so much it felt like it was in my head,there
    it was the affair in full view,I love you I miss you so so much I felt like I was dreaming…… Today is about you lovely take your time sit and breathe take each day as it comes,I came across this blog by accident it has been like breathe of fresh air,its early days we have all been there and are still on the road to recovery some good days some bad all different stories with the same result, hurt and devastation but I know even through bad days the sun will shine again xx

  9. Today he came over and he kept holding me and saying he’s sorry, expressing a lot of remorse and saying he wants us back. Actually he’s been saying that since the day I found out but I’ve always refused to let him hold me. I knew that it would be too much for me to bear because I miss him and there’s nothing more I want than to be in his arms again, him comforting me and telling me that everything will be ok.
    Now he’s out in the living room looking after the baby. He said he had not done his part as a father and sorry that I had to do it all alone. He held me in bed and asked me to rest.
    The worst thing is.. All I keep thinking abt is making love to him. Because he’s being so loving and caring, I really miss this part of him and I have my needs too. He’s not touched me sexually but just being in his arms I melt totally.
    I’m so annoyed and disgusted with myself for thinking all that, when I should be angry and mad at him. And I am still feeling hurt and angry, breaking down inconsolably from
    Time to time. Gosh what should I do??

    • I think we have all felt like that. I know I have. I think it’s because we DO love our husbands. That’s why this hurts so much. I actually had sex with my husband the first time I saw him after I found out (he ran and hid for the first 7 days). I remember thinking “what the hell is wrong with me?!” It is one of the things that I wish I could change about that first confrontation. I don’t know why it happened. Was I “claiming” what was mine? I don’t know. Now it’s 3 yrs later and I haven’t had a sexual relationship with my husband for a long time. It’s been so long now it would be “awkward” initiating it. Of course, I have zero self esteem, I gained 100 lbs since D-day. Ben & Jerry were my therapists for a long time lol. I’m sorry you are going thru this. It’s sucks-putting it bluntly. I know other woman that have had relations with their husbands shortly after finding out-I wish I had an answer why also…..hang in there:)

    • Going through a period of hysterical bonding is normal after an affair. You may find yourself needing to be intimate with your husband and not understand why you have this craving. Just make sure that you are safe and get all the testing done (I have to say that). Hysterical bonding can last for a few weeks to months or even a year. It depends on the couple. Your need to reestablish intimacy with yoru husband can be stronger than you know. What I found is that my husband needed this just as much as I did. It’s normal… some woman struggle with it but I try to connect with my husband and now allow anyone else in the bedroom with us (in my thoughts–dirty people). 😉

  10. My marriage ended because of an affair my husband had with my best friend. I was totally devastated. It’s been six years since that fateful day in august 2007 when I found out and I still struggle. For the past six years I have become very damaged. I live on antidepressants despite trying so hard to let go of the resentment I have towards both my ex husband and friend. At the time, I had a toddler and new baby and it was extremely sad and difficult. What I battle most with these days is having to hand over my two sons to the very people who hurt, and continue to hurt me so much. It just doesn’t seem fair…

    • Hi Lori,
      It’s not fair. I think I would have sliced my husband’s d!ck off if he cheated on me with my best friend and then left me for her. But what’s really not fair is that you are stuck with all this pain, anger and sadness. You don’t deserve to be stuck with the pain.
      Has he ever been willing to answer your questions and help you move forward? Would you want that if he was open to being honest with you? I know when I discovered my husband’s affair I imagined the answers to they why, how and what questions–and my answers were not really close to the truth. The only thing I would say is to try to go to a BAN support group if you haven’t already. When I went to the one closest to me there were two betrayed spouses with stories like yours… And it may help to know that you are not alone.

      • Thank so much for your reply. I think the BAN support group is a good idea. I will try it for sure! I think you hit the nail when you said if my ex had ever given me any answers to the affair, and he didn’t. I think that is the problem. He gave me reasons and excuses but not heartfelt reasons. He and my ex BF have never apologised and because they’re together, I also have to send my kids to them every alternate weekend which is always such a slap in the face. It’s like handing the most precious thing you have over to the two people who’ve hurt you most in this world. Really a bitter pill to swallow!!

      • I think it’s sad when the people who betray us can’t find it in themselves to apologize. My husband’s AP told me in an email that she didn’t need to apologize because she wasn’t married (actually she was–lie). What a bitch, yes, she did owe me an apology. Even if she felt like they were soulmates–she did something wrong. I apologized to my neighbor when my son peed on her tree for goodness sake. It was inappropriate and I made him apologize too.

        The excuses that come out in the beginning of the affair discovery are just that–excuses. My husband said things that were really dumb and he was trying to find a justification for what he did–but realized there wasn’t one. Some men don’t see the real reasons for how they got caught up in an affair–and the sad thing is they won’t heal themselves if they don’t figure it out.
        I guess the best thing for you is to evaluate how it happened. What were the factors that led to him cheating. For my husband a huge factor was that he firmly believed that he would never cheat on me, he wasn’t tempted or attracted to his AP. But he had low self-esteem. He assumed our lessening sex life was because I was no longer attracted to him (not that we were both working and taking care of three busy children). He felt insecure and I didn’t see it. His AP could see his vulnerabilities, that he was stressed, overworked and feared his wife wasn’t as “into” him as I once was. She opened the door and put her foot inside. He didn’t know what to do with her–he didn’t want her but she was helping him with work, giving him attention, making his interests hers and then she offered him sex on a regular basis.
        I don’t know what your ex-BF was like and how she could betray you and steal your husband. But I am guessing she has some deep-rooted insecurities. I am guessing she is afraid every day that he’s going to leave her and go back to you. I can’t imagine she is 100% happy with the life she chose through lies and manipulation. And I would guess they won’t last forever because eventually your ex-husband is going to take a good, long look at his life and he’ll have to answer questions he may not want to answer for your children.

        Have you ever read the book “My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me?” Ignore the title of the book and read it. You can get it on your kindle for a couple dollars. In the book she confronts her husband’s AP in a face-to-face meeting. The story she tells the AP is profoundly telling for any woman who “tries” to steal another’s woman’s husband.
        Maybe your ex-husband would be willing to sit down and give you the answers now. Or maybe he hasn’t tried to figure it out yet because he didn’t need to. But most men will tell you they found themselves caught up in an affair because of the attention and adoration the OW gave them.

    • Hi Jennifer… I am so sorry. Keep praying for strength and you will find it when you need it most. The first few days were the worst days of my life. I screamed, cried and completely fell apart. Take care of yourself–get some sleep (if you need to take an OTC sleeping pill–do it), eat something (even if you have no appetite) and try not to spend 24/7 in pain and sadness. I know this is easier said than done…
      As you begin the healing process try to only take in the information you truly need to heal. There are so many questions I asked, emails I read and things that I discovered that may have not been needed information. Once you know something you cannot unknow it. But I hope your husband is willing to support you, answer the questions you ask and be 100% transparent. Regardless of whether you rebuild the marriage or not–you deserve honesty.
      If he needs a book to read to help him–How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair is short and to the point. It helped my husband so much and made the process better. Ask him to buy it for himself–don’t buy it for him (he can get it on a Kindle device too).
      Take time to recognize what you do have every day. Write it down if you need to. Gratitude for the things in your life that are good will help transform your mind and keep it from the cycle of triggers & pain.
      I will pray for you… {{Hugs}}

  11. Thank you for this blog. I just found out my live-in boyfriend of 6 years had been cheating on me for months. Basically, he felt “neglected” because I was working very long hours and he was also “depressed” about some family issues… And she came along, chased him, paid him tons of attention… He tells me now he is really sorry and he wishes he could undo the past and how I’m the only person he loves. I don’t know if I believe him anymore. I don’t know how to get back to being that happy person who was so confident of his love. It hurts so much and I am so full of anger.

    • Hi Geri,

      I am sorry you found out your boyfriend has been cheating… it shakes you to the core and forces you to question everything. Anger is normal–in fact, my therapist told me that I had to go through an angry phase. Let your anger out but don’t let it control you. You will be happy again. In the beginning there were only fleeting moments of happiness for me before the pain seeped back in. Now I have more happy moments than sad. Keep yourself going and moving. For me, going to work and having lunch with my girlfriends was a relief from the pressure of the affair. I didn’t tell the girls at work because I needed to have a place where I didn’t have to talk about it. But everyone is different in who they tell or don’t tell. Whatever you decide is right for you is what you should do.
      Your boyfriend probably didn’t love his affair partner–she was easy. She idolized him and made him feel wonderful for nothing in return. Everything was simple–no real life to cloud the affair. Men need to trust and respect a woman to fall in love–sex is not a factor in male emotion. But none of that makes the pain and anger disappear.
      I hope you are finding small windows of happiness each day. Try to take moments that are just for you and do things that make you happy. Take care of yourself.

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