My husband cheated on me. Now what?

Last week, a new betrayed wife posted a comment on my blog. She discovered her husband’s affair the night before and her Googling brought her to my blog. I remember so clearly lying in my bed typing the words: my husband cheated on me into the Google search bar of my iPad only hours after my discovery. I wanted someone to tell me what to do. I was completely unprepared for an affair. I always assumed if he cheated our marriage would be over. Maybe it’s what I was taught or maybe I just haven’t known any happily married people that have dealt with infidelity. The fact is I didn’t know what to do. I felt broken and defeated. I felt alone and scared. I wanted someone to tell me how to navigate this mess because this wasn’t supposed to happen to me.

What I discovered in the 72 hours after my D-Day was there was no one out there that agreed on what to do. Every betrayed woman had a different path, a different story or a marriage unlike my own. I joined web groups and read countless articles and blogs. And still, no one could tell me succinctly what to do. Honestly, I wanted someone to tell me if my marriage was over. Like I said, before I found out my husband cheated I didn’t think I would ever stay or have the capacity to forgive him. But after I discovered his affair, I realized that our love was not a casualty of his affair. I told myself I would allow myself time to decide if I could remain in the marriage or not. I told myself I could leave at any time but I would allow myself two years to heal. My decision may be not right for anyone else but me—but I could live with it.

I remember reading this article about four or five months ago. The questions asked in the article are:

  1. How do you define love?
  2. Is your definition of love large enough to encompass profound failure?

We each define love independently in our own lives. We place our own limitations and expectations of love on our definition. On my D-Day, I don’t know if I could have known if my definition of love was large enough to include my husband’s failures/infidelity. As much as I have grown in the past ten months, there are still moments when the affair hits me like a ton of bricks and I question whether I can forgive him completely. It’s how I overcome those moments that keeps me going. It’s about being open and honest with my husband about those moments so we can have complete transparency. I am not expected to just get over his affair and move on. We have an agreement that if something bothers me in five, ten or twenty years about this affair that I can bring it up and he can never say: I thought you were over that already. I promise to not hold grudges or throw it in his face but I am not expected keep silent either.

I made mistakes in those first days after discovering his affair too. We spent hours talking but I couldn’t hear much of what he said. I heard the words but I couldn’t understand them because I made assumptions that were completely wrong about his relationship with his AP. I had always thought if a man has an affair the sex must be amazing, the relationship is worth walking away from your marriage for and the man is a liar. While those things could be true—they weren’t the truth for us. Try not to base your healing on anything said in the wake of the discovery of the affair.

Sex is also a strange thing after an affair. Many women report they begin the hysterical bonding immediately. That was not the case for me. My husband was not home for 36 hours after I discovered his affair. I had time to read and read online about infidelity. I read that it took two years minimum to heal and I told myself we might now have sex for two year (boy, was I wrong). I also told my husband this. I told him that I couldn’t be physical with him and was he willing to work on a marriage with no sexual intimacy. He agreed he would stay no matter what happened. We made love the night after we were both tested for STDs. We went out to dinner and we began talking—not about the affair—about us. We were on a date and we didn’t even plan it or know it. We left the restaurant and began kissing in the parking lot. He pushed me up against the car and I never wanted him more in my life. We barely made it inside our home before I began ripping his clothes off. That was September 28, 2012. We made love seven times over the next twenty-four hours. Both of us full of desire and passion. What I realized about hysterical bonding is that it has to be both ways—both spouses have to need that connection to be reestablished with the other person. My husband and I must be still hysterical or bonding because we haven’t missed a day. The sex is the best it’s ever been and we had a passionate and playful sex life before the affair.

The truth is you may not know what to do after you discover your spouse cheated on you, but you will be okay. You will survive. Take care of yourself. Eat. Sleep. Don’t spend every moment thinking about the affair.

I wonder what advice you wish you heard on your D-Day or just after? Write it below and hopefully it can help someone. Finish this thought: My husband cheated on me, now what?


636 thoughts on “My husband cheated on me. Now what?

  1. i am so blessed to have known michaelstealth you are god sent.i really
    appreciate working with you after you helped me discover my husband was
    cheating on me and all he asked for was his email and phone number, that
    way I was able to access all the information I needed .i am not ashamed to
    tell because i know alot of people need this too.
    is the best and
    assured person to run to for anything you need to fish out and any bone you
    wanna pick.i guaranty you.god bless you sir

  2. I have just discovered my husband has been chearing on me. I found out accidentally through his new email address that he created so I won’t know(well that’s what he thinks). I had a strong gut feel that I should log in to that new email and just guessed the password. Oh my god, you won’t believe that I guessed the password right! And there I find his email conversations with the other women. What’s worse is that he is overseas as he is starting our new business. I feel so betrayed, feeling alone and abandoned with our 2 kids. I sent him an email right away when I found out which was 4 days ago. I tried to viber message him a day after to ask him that we should talk but have not heard back from him since. It’s been 4 days and I am lost. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know what’s on his mind. What shall I do? I don’t want to bombard him emails and messages or calls but I’m feeling angry because despite of what he’s done to me, he still does not communicate with me. Please help. I don’t know where to go from here.

  3. I have just discovered my husband has been cheating on me. I found out accidentally through his new email address that he created so I won’t know(well that’s what he thinks). I had a strong gut feel that I should log in to that new email and just guessed the password. Oh my god, you won’t believe that I guessed the password right! And there I find his email conversations with the other woman. What’s worse is that he is overseas as he is starting our new business. I feel so betrayed, feeling alone and abandoned with our 2 kids. I sent him an email right away when I found out which was 4 days ago. I tried to viber message him a day after to ask him that we should talk but have not heard back from him since. It’s been 4 days and I am lost. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know what’s on his mind. What shall I do? I don’t want to bombard him with emails and messages or calls but I’m feeling angry because despite of what he’s done to me, he still does not communicate with me. Please help. I don’t know where to go from here.

  4. I found out my husband has been cheating on me with a girl from next door, after going through his phone messages. For some time this girl and her mom used to visit a lot and I used to wonder why. My husband would just say they are neighbours and in this neighbourhood everyone does it. I felt soo betrayed to think the affair was happening under my roof and in front of me. I forgive him and thought the affair had ended only to realize 6months later he is still speaking to her and he even has photos of them in a hotel. We have two kids and I don’t know what to do now my self esteem is down, I can’t even go out of the gate without worrying how many people know and what they are saying. Please advice

  5. Just found out my husband was cheating on me for the last year. What hurts I suspected the start of the affair 9 months ago and confronted him about it then and I thought we worked through it and was working on our marriage. Come to find out he was with the same women all along up until last month. When I confronted him today with the pictures and videos I found in his email he finally came clean and said he ended it and choose me and wants a future with me. I don’t know if I should believe him as we were in this same place a year ago, I have no idea if he really ended it or would have ever come clean. I’m so lost right now what do it do!?

  6. I found out my husband had an affair in September. He had been working late every night one night even came home at 3:30 am. When I questioned him he lied and denied where her had been. Boys nights out. Even working on holidays. The woman called me and told me my husband has been dishonest with me and had been seeing/sleeping with her for a few weeks. He had just got home afrer spending the whole day with her. He told me he ended it and she was mad. She told me she didnt even know i exsisted and when she found out thats why she called. Its been 3 months of us trying to work out our marriage. We went to a couples counselor for 2 months before we could not afford it anymore. I also found out last year he had slept with another woman one weekend when we had a fight. I wake up some days and cry for hours on end. I want our relationship to survive but I dont know if im strong enough to trust him. He has a GPS on his phone, calls me eveyday 3 times from work. He does eveything I ask of him. I just dont know if anything will ever be good enough to move past this. Some days I just want to sleep with someone else to get even and than I just feel horrible for thinking thay way. I just want to know why he did it… but he said he doesnt know. Is our marraige over?

    • I’m wondering how everyone is doing now? I find so much comfort in reading these messages but curious as to what happens next. I’m 3 months in from when I found out and my emotions are still running wild. Its been 3 months but with the drips and drabs on how I found out it actually feels like its been a week. That being said I moved back in mostly to not to put an additional strain on my parents and because our 1.5 year old needed his own space. So here I am having a mix of good and bad days and wondering why I’m still here as some days I don’t think I can get past the affair.

      • This is Ange. I am still with my husband although I have good days and bad days. It’s been 2 years since I found out. My husband hasn’t changed much but I don’t think he is cheating on me right now. Or since. I think if I was in a different situation I would have left him. I tried leaving but he really wanted me to stay and I’m still here.
        I don’t think the bad days will ever go away. I see a movie or a show, hear a word or visit a place that brings it all back.
        My husband is pretty understanding of this and doesn’t blame me for having a bad day. How could he blame me anyway right???
        Anyway I just wanted to let you know. I’m still here and my kids are happy. Hope your situation gets better deer! No one should have to go through this ever!

      • It’s been over a year for me.
        It depends on the people in the marriage. It depends on him and his ability to make amends for his wrongs and his mistakes, and his willingness to own his own failings.
        It depends on you, how willing you are to make the daily choice to move past the feelings of anger and hurt and work toward forgiveness and trust. It doesn’t mean you DO forgive him or trust him, it means you want to one day and will choose to work toward that goal.

        After a year, it has been better. I hardly think of it. And when I do, it still hurts, but not as much as it did yesterday, and definitely not as much as it did a year ago.

        It does get better and it can be better. The key to everything is your desire to make it better. If you don’t want a happy, satisfying marriage with THIS man, then you won’t have it until you decide that you do. It starts with when you make the decision to be happy in your marriage that the healing can begin.

        I hope that helps.

        Good-luck. We all know how hard it is.

  7. Hi Ange,

    Thanks for your response. No one should ever have to go thru this….so true. I sometimes think it really didn’t happen and I imagined it and then it hits me that its all true and I fall apart. Having a bad day today. Like you said the littlest or sometimes not so little things set me off. I’m living in the same place in the same town where “she” lived and although she is now many states away I cant shake the feeling that she’s still here at least in spirit. I obviously had no idea what was going on; thought he was stressed, tired and that the pressure of a baby were just too much for him never in my wildest dreams did I ever think affair. So now i walk thru the streets of a semi still new neighborhood (we moved here for his job) knowing that they walked the same streets together while I was away working, eating at the same restaurants or new ones he hadn’t yet brought me to….its just so painful. So now what?
    I put on a dress tomorrow and go out for new years like nothing is wrong? Like we are this happy couple and I’m trying to pretend that we can survive this and prove that I can be fun again? For the record I was only not fun temporarily as I had a baby this past year but guess he couldn’t take the lack of attention at home or that I was a new mom trying to manage life, work and keeping a baby alive. Breaks my heart.

  8. I find so much comfort in reading these post and can barely type through tears because I know how you all feel. I found out 10 days before this Christmas that my husband was having an emotional affair for almost 5 months. He met her while visiting another state. It started by “innocent” texting (he initiated) and became a long distance love affair. When I went on vacation he flew her to our town, put her up in a hotel, wined and dined her, with intentions of moving her here. (She is also married.) He swears they only made out, but never had sex. Neither wanted to sleep together during this 2nd actual face-to-face meeting, however they did tell each other they loved one another about a month after texting. Is that even possible to love someone through text???? (No phone calls even.) I found out about the affair a week after she had flown to see him. He says he never stopped loving me, still loves me, he loves his family, and wants to keep us together. Of course it’s hard to believe his words, as sweet as they are. My life is a roller coaster. Some days I cry all day. I can’t eat or sleep. Some days I’m oddly courageous and think I’ll just wait for the right time and move on myself. But, I love him. Our marriage was admired from everyone we knew. We had it all and I thought and it seemed we were deep in love. Unbreakable. I just don’t get it. Also, our sex life was never bad, but I can relate to the desire and even better, more passionate, constant sex now after this affair. It was nice to hear it’s not just me and I’m not crazy! How long until I join the life of the living again??

    • Update: 10 months of my husband showering me with attention and affection because he supposedly wanted our marriage to work I found out he was still talking to this girl. We are getting divorced and I’m devistated. I didn’t ask for this and it’s just not fair. Our marriage seemed like a dream for the 9 years before this! How and why?! He’s begging for forgiveness again, but how could anyone trust a second time?! I can’t, I just can’t do it.

  9. I found out I had been cheated on a month ago…he had been having threesomes with his best male friend and his male friends girlfriend, along with, I had found hook up site accounts… he ignored me for the whole week he was away…
    how did you feel afterwards?
    I feel crazy like its going to happen over and over again, like I am so stupid and oblivious.
    was it the first time?
    will it be the last?
    how will i ever trust him again?
    Every time he touches me I can’t help but feel uncomfortable, and a million questions run through my mind… did he touch her the way he touches/touched me?
    did he kiss her with the passion I thought was between us?
    did he not think of me the entire time?

    • This just happened to me today. A couple of months ago me, my best friend and husband ended up kissing. Today, I found out that last night my husband engaged in a 3-some with that same girl and her husband. She gave him a blow job. I am devastated and don’t know what to think. He told me that he thought it was okay since we all hooked up a couple of months ago. But we never talked about it and he didn’t have permission and I don’t feel our hook up gave him carte blanche to enter into another 3some. What did you end up doing?

  10. I just found out that my husband cheated on me. Several months ago he told me about a young girl he met at work who had been raped years earlier but never had counseling. He said she didn’t have any good role models, and he wanted to help her find affordable counseling and mentor her. I remember thinking there was going to be trouble, but he was so sure he could help her, I knew there was no point in me “forbidding” it, and I trusted him, so I told him to be very careful, not get too involved. I also told him that he had to guard against the ” damsel in distress” attraction, and that he must be very open with me about all of their contact, to maintain my trust. He promised, and so I knew when he met her at a local beach to sit and talk, and when he met her at a counseling center where he helped her get set up for assistance. I knew that she worked at a local golf course and would come out once a week to the course where he is golf pro to play. Oh, and she is 7 years younger than our youngest child.
    Well, last night his cell phone rang at 12:05 AM. He quickly hung it up as I woke and asked who was calling. He yawned and said “Oh, it’s that girl I’m helping.” He wouldn’t respond when I asked why she would be calling at such an hour, just rolled over. Well, after staying up most of the night, thinking, looking at his phone and his call log online, I was starting to piece it together. He kept lying the next morning, then started to admit emotional unfaithfulness as I caught him in his lies,and finally admitting to a single physical encounter. He says it just happened once, but the calls continued after this supposed event, and I am out of places to look, so he is probably still lying. We have been married 30 years, and I have always known him to be very honest and ethical. How do I reconcile who I thought I was married to with the man who lied repeatedly and so easily? He says he is very sorry that he hurt me, and it will never happen again. I feel like such a cliche and such a fool.

    • Update: It has been over a year, and I am ok most of the time. My husband has worked hard to regain my trust, and I do not think he has been in contact with her, or otherwise involved. However, I just triggered last weekend while going through our files for taxes, and ran across all of the cell phone records I had printed and studied while trying to find the truth last year. It has been a hard week, and his attitude seems to be that I should be over it by now, because I was fine last week. I am starting to think he will never take full responsibility for how deeply he hurt me, and I may be better off without him after all. Has anyone been through this stage? I feel lost again, almost as though it just happened.

      • Pam, it gets better with time.

        Realistically, he will always remember and so will you. He’s doing his part by staying true to his vows to you, you need to do the same.

      • Pam I feel like this all the time. It’s like my husband feels he apologized once and now doesn’t need to take any responsibility. In his head it’s over and done. Women don’t work like that but men will never understand.
        When I have a trigger moment and get all grumpy he acts the same wAy as yours. He feels I should be over it by now. This was 3 years ago that I found out now and I’m sure he hasn’t done anything since then but still bothers me every once in a while and it will forever. I’m sorry that you feel like this right now but know your not alone! I’m sure many others feel this way and men just don’t get it. Do what you feel is best for you. Good luck hun ❤

      • Yes. The triggers. They always pop up. And they are lists. Printed phone records. Notes to self. Pages of diary vents. Lists on how to move or what to split up or how custody works. Papers covered in water marks from endless days and nights of crying.
        I have these too. I’m not throwing them away. I feel like I need them as a shield. He never have me the transparency I begged for he carried on little lies for months he continues to be in a relationship with an old female friend who I never trusted… not the cheating one. That was worse but this old friend I hate a little bit.
        He never gives me what I ask to help me heal but says he wants us to. Says he is trying to show me because his words have been lies before but, he was the guy the world would trust to say the truth. He was the most honest way guy.
        It has been almost 6 months. But really it began almost a year ago. How it starts off … I do not think I can over come it. I had good days and something comes up. And he feels he has a right to Snapchat … like I should just be fine… sometimes I hate hm, for how he cares and seems not to so equally. For how he seems to feel sorrry for himself. We have two older grown teens and two young 5 and 8.
        I hate what he has done to them. I hate that he won’t sacrifice his privacy to help their mom power through this pain and he won’t face it for them.
        Ya, I think he loves me and yes I do or did him. But this many months later a Snapchat just utterly undoes me.

  11. I found out about my husbands affair through a private message on Facebook, from a so called friend.
    Donna, I hope that you accept this message as a means of forgiveness, but I feel you should know that your husband had sex with me in hotel rooms behind your back to satisfy his desire to be something he feels he is not… and what he did was misleading a girl who thought she was in love into thinking that he was something he was not!!!! Your husband is nothing more than a Donnie/Marty!! (2 other guys who’s loves she tried to destroy).
    I got this message as I was getting ready for work, thought I was fine for a few minutes and then fell to the floor in tears. I called off work, sent my husband a text, as he spent the night after a family party with our daughters. I drove for hours crying, racking my brain and stopping at times to text questions about the affair. To add to the pain, confusion and shock, my oldest daughter came to me apologizing that she read the message from *#@!. My heart sank, it hurt more than I could imagine, if that is possible. She went to her room and I told my husband he needed to fix our daughter that I hated him and wanted him out. My younger daughter came home and knew something was going on, we (my daughters and I) talked and cried all night. Neither of them wanted him home for awhile, and I told him I would not bad mouth him at all, just that he made a VERY bad choice that is causing a great deal of pain on all of us.
    The holidays were awful, seen as we found out days before Christmas. I started experiencing high anxiety and panic attacks, not sleeping and lost 13 pounds. I was put on Valium and Zoloft and feel that it is helping. Tried counseling, but she seemed to give more information on healing our marriage, than helping me with my pain. Kept telling me to breath and tell myself to stop with the thoughts. What the hell???? My world just crashed down on me and she just wants me to put it on the back burner. Not seeing her anymore and am currently waiting for an appointment with a psychologist.
    This is the worst, for weeks I felt like I could not breath, eat, smile or work. Things seemed to get better, as I would try to stop myself from focusing on the affair, we have gone out, laughed and have had amazing sex. Now for the last 2 days, I am sad, lost, numb, have no motivation and feels as if I am taking it out on one of my daughters. No actually, I am. I have no patience and she has a very powerful personality. This just SUCKS!!!!! I wish there was a simple answer that could fix this for us all. This rollercoaster of emotions can go away at any point.
    I love him, there is no doubt in my mind, in love – no. I wont trust anything that comes out of his mouth, check to see where he is at all the time, went through all his things (for the first time in my life) and we have been together for 23 years. My faith has gone to the waste side and I need to find my way back. My heart breaks for all of us going through this horrible experience and hope we find the strength, courage and friends to help guide us to the right/best resolution.

  12. thiswillnotdefineus
    Hello beings that I am a man who has been on the recieving end of infidelity, with more than one woman, its not an easy thing to let go of. It has been been for me over 8 years, and I thought the other day that I was over the intense anger , and hurting I felt . But i have one major problem. The last woman involved my immediate family members fed them lie after lie after lie after lie. To the point that my family members have , some of them disowned me, been absolutely horrible, they even attended the divorce hearrings and stood up for this witch.
    They have judged me wrongly, and passed this information on to others of my family members, and even today one of my relatives said to me this statement” man if your talking about this , it makes you look like you did exactly what your ex says you did”.
    But I didnt bring it up because I wanted to keep the anger going, I brought it up because those other relatives had sought me out and rekindled a relationship with me , with the understanding that they were not having anythiong to do with my ex. In other words they lied to me.
    So I put it out there that I would end any way that the ex could get information out of them, because thats her MO. She did it with her ex and now I was the recipient of her BS.
    And frankly I am tired of the whole mess. I will disown them all , and stop all communication with them, I will go quiet immediately, and to a certain degree I have. There is nothing worse than a family member (S) indignant looks and judgmental behavior, and or false accusations about me when they have no clue as to what transpired between me and that witch.
    Infidelity is the most horrible punishment, pain, that another human could ever force onto another human being. weather man or woman. Its extremely traumatic, and borders on PTSD. I know that since then i treat potential mates with an extreme amount of mistrust, I question everything , and everyone they speak to, or say something about.
    I would be willing to say that I have no desire as of today to invest myself into any kind of relationship, and its been well over 8 years. Ive tried , but it appears that I attract the same kind of women, or maybe I see all women as potential cheaters. Facts always speak louder if we see them for what they are.
    1. You didnt cheat on him.
    2. Of course he is going to say “he didnt know what he was doing” My ex said that everything she was telling her new found lover she wanted to say to me, everything she was doing with this man she wanted to do with me, but there is a big problem to her statement, I was home everyday, I was available to gratify her everyday in everyway she wanted. She had me , I was her spouse and that was supposed to mean something to her. But it didnt regardless of all that i had done for her, the times she needed me , her family needed me, I was available. But more importantly I was her HUSBAND, her man. there was absolutely no exscuse for her betrayal that I could except as rational, none.
    there weree reasons as to why in the ancient days that infidelity was remedied with the death of those involved in the affair. And to a certain extent I wish that still applied today. I’d be willing to bet that there would be less divorces and more faithfulness to the spouses, to the vows you give each other.
    But i cant and in reality dont want to help the way I feel.
    And today I would rather spend the rest of what little life i have left alone, I can do things to ease my desires , but I will not venture down that road ever again, with anyone. Out of fear yep , but not the kind of fear that is minute in its dimensions, its the kind of fear that is all encompassing , overwhelming, and complicated to the point that I would rather die than be attached to anyone ever again. If only to not experience the pain of infidelity ever again, It is worth it.

    I am truly sorry for your pain and suffering , and unfortunately everything we experience “changes and defines us”, we can say to ourselves 24/7 that it won’t , but it does that inevitably.
    The best I can offer is empathy and sympathy, and understanding as to what you are and have been going through. Its not easy, and it never will or shiould be for that matter. Hopefully with the passage of time you will find peace in your soul , comfort in your heart, and move on into your life much wiser and stronger. the saying that “whatever problems we encounter in our lives if it doesnt kill us it will definately make us stronger in the end” is factual and unfortunately I am evidence of that end.
    Take care and a speedy and healthy recovery from your pain.

  13. It has been 1 month since my D-Day and like many of you I searched the Internet for what to do. I ran across every bit of advice possible. I realized that each situation is completely unique. For some it was out of the blue and the first time and only time. My situation offered nothing similar to situations I had read of. My husband cheated on my before we were married and I was 5 mos pregnant. I went 1.5 years not speaking to him. When we reconnected again he was full of promises that it would never happen again. As our relationship progressed I saw so many signs of selfishness meanwhile I was being told I was selfish. I was being told to change. I was being told I wasn’t good enough. He told me that I was making him unhappy and that I didn’t care about his needs, even though I was bending over backwards to meet his needs. Finally one day I decided I needed to stop bending and start living my life honestly. I Stopped having sex just to please him, but when we both wanted it. That didn’t fly with him and when I found out he’d been hiring escorts for “massages.” He said he had done it because he wasn’t getting the connection he needed at home. I have since learned that saying that is a narcissists way of saying they are entitled to do what they want. When D-Day came I had just learned of 1 escort and he swore that was all there was. Come to find out he had been cheating on me for 2.5 years with at least 15 different escorts/prostitutes. All the while telling me I had broken my wedding vows because he didn’t feel loved by me as I had promised to do in my vows. I am still with my husband because I refuse to make a decision based on what society says I should do, or based on assumptions about the affairs, or an emotional decision. I am taking it one day at a time to see where his feelings are. Currently he sees little wrong with what he did other than it hurt me. He is already pushing to have sex with me to which I have expressed I am not ready for. I am learning slowly that he is a manipulator and a narcissist. He, however, is the father of my children so I have to take my time to make sure leaving is the right thing to do. I am fearful of both paths but a decision weighted this heavily is worth contemplation of all factors.

  14. I just found out my husband cheated on me .. He left his phone at home when he went to work and he got a message from this woman who asked him why he wasnt speaking to her anymore so i called and ask who she was and immidiatly she called me by my name and admitted everything her and my husband has an affair from july to october 2015 . and they havent seen eachother since then .. I didnt sleep all night waoting for my husband to get home at 7 am.the moment he walked through that door i confronted him and he admitted everything it’s been 72 hours since i found out and everytime i see his face i cry .. He ended it i keep reminding myself but also feel so betrawed 5 years of marriage and a child involve i dont want to throw it all away but i dont know how i can live knowing he had sex with another woman .. This article is amazing and ive been reading it everyday since i found out gives me hope that maybe one day i will be able to forgive him for it but i know i will never be able to forget how can i he complietly destroyed my trust our marriage was great on my part anyways. And all i can think at night is this woman knew he had a wife , knew he had a child what kid of woman would want to destroy a family this way ..
    (ps i know it was wrong to go and read the messaged but never in a million years did i think he had an affair)

    • I have a question…
      It’s been about 4 months since I found out about my husband’s affair. He was cheating with a married woman. Should I inform her husband?
      I do not know him or any of his family, and he lives in another state. I could however email his sister on Instagram and let her decide if she thinks he’d want to know.
      I feel like it would make me feel better in a way. Plus, unlike all of these cheaters, I live by the golden rule and believe I’d want and deserve to know.
      What are your thoughts?

      • Jessica

        Are you looking her husband’s help is keeping distance between her and your husband? If so you are wasting your time.

        Revenge can backfire and usually does in some way. Picking up a newspaper tells you that everyday that some kills a spouse for cheating and takes with them the lover, family and innocent bystanders. Truly there is nothing to be gained by informing him other than putting a lot of grief on him that he doesn’t deserve.

        You have nothing to gain by telling him.

      • The decent thing to do is to inform the husband. He deserves the dignity of knowi ng and protecting his health and his assets. If it were you, wouldnt you rather know

      • My husband cheated with a married woman as well. I found it in May of 2015 and by September of that same year, I finally had the courage to confront her husband and tell him the truth. It was hard talking about it with him but I felt he had the right to know.

      • He was grateful and understanding but completely heartbroken. They have 6 kids! We talked twice via email after the initial phone call and then went our separate ways. Both of us our currently trying to work through it and it’s been a year and both families are still intact. But he did thank me for coming forward.

      • I absolutely 100% would. I am so utterly for it. Not out of anger but respect that she isn’t giving him- he should still get it.

  15. I sit here with my stomach in knots and tears streaming down my face. I just found out that my spouse not only had an affair but he has recently tried to rekindle this “friendship” with this girl through email. He assured me she is just a friend and she has a boyfriend and they all hung out together when he lived in the city. I then asked why he did not mention all the new wonderful things in his life like his newborn daughter , his beautiful home or his wife. He said “I was just asking how it was going you are over reacting”. Turns out I was not , I messaged this woman and asked her in a friendly non-offensive manner the nature of their relationship, only to get the response I feared the most. Thoughts of how could he do this to us, what does she have that I don’t , we have a very active sex life. I was searching for a reason and I could not come up with one. I then had to find the strength to confront him. He denied having any intimacy with this woman and stuck to his original story. I told him that this is his chance to come clean as I have spoke to the girl. He still stuck to his story adding that they had kissed one time. I was beyond disappointed and disgusted by the fact that he was still trying to lie to me even after I had this girls account of the affair. I feel like that was the moment when I felt the most betrayed and hurt. Only once I sent him screen shots of our conversation did he finally fess up to their sexual affair. This affair was not a one time deal they had sex 3 times in a month and we conceived our child only 3 weeks after. I feel so dirty and used and I am struggling at the thought of will I ever be able to trust this man again.How do I trust again? Where do I start? He checked himself in to a rehab clinic two days ago for his addictions to alcohol, cheating and lying. Now I am left here to process all of this while I take care of three kids. I have feeling of resentment and anger thinking that he gets this secluded help where he can focus and I’m left high and dry so to speak. Is this a gap in the rehabilitation process? Did they forget about the spouse ? I know there is groups such as Al-anon but whem does the couple get time within the rehab process to heal? I just feel so alone and uneasy about the aftermath.

    • Summer,
      I can definitely empathize with what you’re feeling! I found out about my husband’s affair Dec. 2015 and the ride has been a rollercoaster. Not a fun one! I couldn’t eat, sleep, or function for months. When I hear of someone cheating I get sick again! When I read your post I immediately got mad and my eyes filled up because I KNOW that feeling first hand! Let me just say that if your husband is willing to prove to you that he wants to stay in his marriage and will never ever even think about an affair again then your marriage can and will work. So many women act like hard asses and say they’d leave, but until you are actually faced with it you’ll never really know. If children are involved there’s lots to consider. This is on your husband now. HE needs to step up to the plate and win your love and trust back every single day. He needs to have patience and lots of understanding. He has broken you and it’s HIS job to put your pieces back together. Don’t ever think for one minute he did this because of anything you did. He did this because he was insecure and had deep-seated internal issues you may have been unaware of. This was NOT your fault. This made him feel good… Wanted… Desired. If you are a faithful person you’ll never have to look yourself in the mirror and be disgusted that you broke the one person who trusted and loved you the most. That’s what my husband says hurts the most. He says he can see it in my face that I don’t love him like I used to. I used to put him on a pedestal. Not anymore. I’ll never be that women that stands up at his funeral and talks about how loyal of a husband he was. He knows he tarnished that and says it kills him. These cheating men and women are lacking confidence and integrity and it’s not because of us-their faithful spouses. Please don’t beat yourself up. It will get better in time. It never seems like it will, but trust me. If you ever want to talk let me know. Best wishes hun.

      • Thank you for your post. Your words helped me today , only 2.5 months into my discovery and trying to work things out , but have really hard days. Just spent the last few days blaming myself .. so your words made me realize this is not my fault. I wish there was a support group I could join , as I would love to actually talk to people who are going thru something similar. Would love to talk sometime?

      • Absolutely! Anytime you want to chat I’m here. I know exactly how this journey feels. It’s not fair or fun but we can all get through this together. ❤️❤️❤️

  16. I found out this morning, my husband, the love of my life and best friend, has been having an affair for over a year. I wouldn’t wish this feeling I have on my worse enemy. I don’t know where to begin. I’m just here looking for a light.

    • The first few days were a blur for me. The first month seemed like an eternity. But keep going. You will find the answers you need to determine what you need to do. It’s not always the answers you want but (sorry to sound cliche) they are often what you need. I wish I could tell you that everything will pass and you will emerge out of this and be able to close the door, leaving this entire mess behind you. But this is a part of your life but don’t let IT define your life for you. You decide how it will define these moments, or chapter in your life. I hope you find the light you need.

    • I am right there with you right now – I guess everyone says that we need to take one day at a time. Hope you’re doing ok.

  17. Maybe this blog is getting stale, but thought I would give it a shot to see if anyone has any advice for me.

    My husband and I have been married for almost 24 years, together for about 25.5. I have a son from a previous relationship – who is married with two sons of his own, and we have one son together, who is almost 18.

    An old friend/partner that he had 30 years ago had contacted him – mostly to tell him that she had about a year to live. She was very emotional and wanted consoling. I knew about this and, while it was a little awkward, I trusted him. Their first meeting was platonic and everything was good.

    It turns out that she needed more consoling and they ended up having sex in an emotional fit of passion. Ok…..that MIGHT be somewhat forgivable after some time and counseling. But, it turns out they got together two more times. Her husband finds out and sends me a message from her Facebook account telling me of their affair. My husband fesses up. All of this happened yesterday.

    Our younger son hates his father now (and they were very close – he’s an amazing father). I always said that no man would ever do that to me and I could never stay with a man like that. But, here I am, facing the loss of 25+ years. He says he loves me and will fight for our marriage. If I stay with him, I feel like I am giving in and being taken advantage of, but if I leave him, I can’t imagine life without him and our dreams, and loving our grandkids together, etc.

    I am so confused! Right now, I don’t even want him to look at me, let alone touch me – I am so disgusted!!!

    • Have you gone to see a therapist yet (alone and/or together)? During our first few appointments with our therapist it gave me hope that we could overcome my husband’s affair. Forgiveness is difficult to navigate. I have found that it ebbs and flows. I have to forgive my husband regularly. But what is critical is that your husband is willing to do whatever it takes to make you trust him and regrow your marriage again. Your son is also trying navigate betrayal and it may be the first time he’s ever felt betrayed by anyone, much less his father. But this is a relationship that needs to be mended and it will take time. But remember that your son’s experience is his own. Your relationship with your husband is your experience. Take each day as it comes and keep talking to your husband. You may not know what you need to do yet – and that is okay.

    • I totally understand why you would stay with your hubby even though he did this horrendous thing.
      I have stayed with my husband as well.
      The way I seen it is I had 4 kids with him and I was with him for the 4 years that he was cheating and lying to me so I will be here while he is being honest and trying to improve. There were times and still are that I want to leave and you will never forget and never trust him the same way ever again.
      It’s your choice to search your heart and find what is best for you.
      Best of luck Hun!

      • Well said, and well thought out. Too many people jump to action without thinking it through, and end up regretting it. Even if they say they don’t. I admire the people who walk, and realize that there is happiness out there that they didn’t know about.

        You have to do what works for you.

    • It’s interesting that most all husbands regret their affairs and what’s even more baffling is that their side chicks are willing to stick around while they hide them from the world. Does common sense not tell one that obviously if this man wanted her he would LEAVE his wife?! Anyone else wonder this?

  18. Thanks for your reply. We have a couples appointment on Monday, and our son has an appointment later that day, too. I have an appointment with a different therapist on my own in a couple of weeks. I still love him so much, but every time I look at him, I see the two of them together (on our couch, no less). That makes me hate him – the darkest hate I have ever felt. We are both writing down questions and answers and discussing them. He is still in the house but staying in another room. I am trying to keep things civil and somewhat normal for the sake of our son (he missed three days of school because of this and he is attempting to graduate!)

    I have no one really to talk to – I don’t want to bring friends and family into the middle of it. How could I love and hate someone so much at the same time? How could he make this decision that would affect our family and our marriage so deeply? I am headed off to the lab today to get an STD panel done, just in case. It turns out that the woman he was with is now in detox at the hospital and on suicide watch. How on earth could he get mixed up with her!?! If I stay with him, am I letting him run all over me? How can I trust him again? How can I let him come near me again?

    • BH, This is the worst that it can be for you at this time. It will get better. The reason why is because of all the indecisive thoughts that you are experiencing. Nothing has to be resolved this minute, nor this day, nor this week. Time is on your side. Time is your friend. Embrace it and use it.

      Take some time to decide what YOU want, not what you think others think you need or want. Set your goal to be, real change of some kind. Everything will stay the same as long as you don’t make up your mind what kind of change you want to happen. It has to be what you want.

      What you have now has to change or you will be hung up in this position forever. Work towards change. Change in your husband, you don’t want to continue what you have now. Change in your marriage, you don’t want to continue what you have now. Change in you, you don’t want to continue what you have now. Change in your lifestyle, you don’t want to continue what you have now.

      Don’t get bogged down in picturing him and her. This is all about you now. Stand up for you. You are the most important thing right now. You don’t want to continue what you have now.

      It gets better with time. The more that your mind clears, the more you will recognize what it is exactly is that you want and need.

      • You don’t ever get over the feeling that he didn’t get away with it. It’s just another feeling you have to live with if you choose to stay that he will never understand 😢

      • You don’t. Eventually you come to a place where you decide what you want. I know from personal experience, AND talking with others who have done the opposite, you will question yourself no matter what you decide.
        And it’s not that he has gotten away with it, he will need to work damn hard to earn you trust and forgiveness if you should decide to stay. Anything less is unacceptable. But ultimately, the decision is yours. You can get to a place where you don’t think about what he did as often as you do today. That day won’t come around for a while–but it does come.
        And if you believe that there are no consequences for him you haven’t seen the big picture. SHOULD he chose to stay and fight for your marriage, he will lose respect from your friends and family (should they find out). He will lose respect from your children, who will know (no matter how hard you try to keep them out of it). He will have to live with the pain of what he did to you. He will be reminded overtime you get angry because if a trigger. He will be reminded every time he watches you ry, or get so depressed you can’t get out of bed, or every time you scream at the TV because someone on the screen is a cheating scumbag. It’s not easier to stay. Not for him. Not for you.

        But speaking as one who stayed–it’s worth it. If he jumps through your hoops, if he grovels and begs, if he takes your feelings and your pain into consideration and does everything he can to make up for the jack-ass thing he did, then it’s worth it. You CAN find happiness again. You CAN find a solid footing again.

        It will just be determined by how much you actually want it.

      • Thank you for your support. It’s comforting to know that strangers are out there and can care and support even though we don’t know each other. It’s also comforting to know that couples have made it through times like this.

        He says he wants to fight for our marriage. I just don’t know that I can believe him or trust him.

        In going through this, and talking, we have really unearthed some things that were very wrong with our otherwise seemingly happy relationship. We both thought that things were going ok – not exciting by any standards, but raising a kid and going through everyday routines doesn’t exactly rank as exciting. We have a lot of things to fix if we plan to stay together… What made him think it was ok to cheat….he had somehow lost respect for our marriage…..

      • You’re not wrong. In recovering from this you do end up discovering things that were stale in your relationship, but then you also discover what you could have missed if you gave in to the anger and unforgiveness. You have the potential to foster something really beautiful here. But make no mistake, you will go through tremendous ups and downs and all the stages of grief more than once. My husband cheated almost three years ago. I am beyond grateful that we are so far beyond that horrible year, but I still have moments. It haunts you. That’s why we “strangers” are here for each other…we remember, and we get it. You will find that your friends and family, unless they have been there, will NOT understand. They will all have their opinions on what THEY think you should do, or how you should think…there are NO right and wrong answers here. This is emotion, in its rawest and purest form…allow yourself to feel it and then let it go when you are ready. Don’t bottle it up, don’t try to ignore it or sweep it under the rug…feel it…feel ALL of it…and I PROMISE you…you will get through this and it won’t hurt quite like it does right now.

      • Have him sign a post-nup. Research it in your state and see if they uphold there. They do in mine. You can add any stipulations you want and if he’s willing to sign it you’ll know he is serious about working on your marriage. It will give you the upper hand and a bit more leverage and peace of mind.

  19. It has been 5 months since the d-day. I am totally shut down and have no desire for him even my betraying husband is very remorseful. Because of what he did, he has had panic attacks and depressions. He needs to take sleeping pills every night. I have no trouble sleeping and eating. Could any of you tell me if my reactions of ” shutting down” are normal?

    • Li,
      I don’t know all your personal info but if I could tell you one piece of advice….it may be too late.
      Tell no one…trust me!!! I’m just one month ahead of you.
      Second, get into therapy asap! We are involved with a gottman trained doctor. Look that name up. I wish I got our therapist within a day of d day. I learned the wrong things that I can’t take back.
      Anyway…best of luck!

  20. You said to write what I wish I did or didn’t do after d day.
    Easy answer…..I wish I would have immediately gotten a therapist!!
    As it was we waited 3 agonizing months, and now just 2 months with a therapist, we both agreed that it was smart!!!! Do not try to handle this on your own!!! Please!!!. I’m no therapist. There’s a reason the professionals have to become doctors. Our therapist has had to undo the damage we did early on.

  21. I found out my husband cheated on me last night and I think I am still in shock. I really didn’t realize what a physical reaction shock was until this happened. We have a beautiful 4 month old baby and he slept the most soundly that he has ever slept in his life last night. Me, not for a minute. I am trying desperately to find some even footing and an idea of what to do. We are supposed to closing on our first home this week, an exciting adventure, now masked in uncertainty and heartache. Our marriage has been rocky and I don’t know if, after this, it can be salvaged. I am so embarrassed because it was with someone in our small town. More embarrassed because I found out because he went for walk at 9 pm last night, with quite a large amount of cologne on. I checked his apple watch, which he left behind, and I found everything. I am going to spend the morning here, reading what I can, trying to breath and remember that I have a sweet little one to spend my day with. I hope I find some hope with the sun coming up this morning… I need it.

    • Oh my, I’m sorry you are dealing with this and a small wonderful baby. I’m hoping I can stop you from doing anything and get into a license counselor with your husband RIGHT AWAY! You will do more damage during discovery… me!!!!

    • I’m so sorry you are facing this Lucy. It’s just awful but it can get better. Is your husband resentful? If so, seek counseling. I believe you will find he is deeply broken and it doesn’t stem from you. Cheating is a huge sign of self esteem issues and rarely has to do with not loving your partner. My husband deeply deeply regrets his affair and while I’d prefer it never happened he is otherwise a dream husband. He’s great and helpful with the kids, extemely romantic and mushy 😜… it’s his biggest regret and he is disgusted by the other woman. It made him realize how lucky he really was and that the grass isn’t always greener, but in fact severely f’d up and annoying on the other side. I hope and wish peace for you hun!! We are here for you as you navigate through your feelings.

    • Lucy – I am so very sorry that you are going through this!! Please talk to your doctor right away and get help sleeping and get checked for STDs (and your husband should do the same). Please hydrate and eat even if you don’t feel like it – you need to be there for a sweet little one through this. And I also second the suggestion to get a counselor RIGHT AWAY. It will help you both work through the hard decisions that you are now facing.

      A couple of books that really helped me right away were called “After the Affair” and “How Can I Forgive You” both by Janis Abrahms Spring.

      I am now eight months after learning about the affair (24 years married) and there is a light at the end of the tunnel for us in saving our marriage. Counseling has been HUGE!

      Big HUGS to you!!!!

      • Also – we chose not to tell ANYONE except for our children (ages 30 and 18). Don’t tell anyone (or very few trusted people) until you sort things out a bit with a counselor – and make sure you are on the same page. I realized almost immediately that the very people who would need to support us through our healing would be harboring grudges and make for awkwardness later. I feel it was the best choice for us – your situation may vary. But figure it out first and consciously instead of lashing out like you most surely want to do!

      • GREAT advice! We (or really it was my decision since I never cheated) chose to not tell ANYONE. There’s more evidence to support that people on the “outside” place more shame on people trying to keep the marriage together than shame on immediately divorcing. Sure, there’s been numerous times that I want to tell my sister or best friend but they won’t be in the making up proces like I am right now. It would be unfair to do to them. It’s unfair to do to me as I need a “normal” world as much as possible and I need to know normal can exist anywhere.

  22. I would give anything for the “long term affair” ladies/gentlemen to talk to me. Husband started cheating during our 14th marriage year and it continued thru this past year…so yes clear up to my 27 year making him a 13 year cheater.

    We are seeing a counselor.
    We had an absolutely fabulous marriage, I keep saying to him it’s been his self esteem. Even he is embarrassed by the “whore” he chose, she is seriously the lowest, least attractive, least interesting, lying, ugly on outside and in….the absolute opposite of me. Heck, if he chose someone that even I could say “oh ya, I can see how you were swayed by her charms”, but even their sex was horrible. Who carries a vibrator (a plug in vibrator) in her purse 24-7?
    I want to know how the long term spouses have recovered over time? I’m only at month 10 after D day. We want to save the marriage more than anything but I’m seriously not sure I can do this. I need encouragement.

    • My husband’s affair was short (three encounters over a month) and ended just before I found out (she went nutso after my husband called it off and ended up telling someone and her husband found out within just a few days). I, like you, was absolutely disgusted at who he was with – like you – a complete opposite from me. And he loathes her now too. I’m proud of you for going to counseling to sort things out – I don’t think I could have after a long-term affair and I wish you all the best. It’s encouraging that you had a fabulous marriage otherwise. Hopefully you can get to the root of the problem (we did with ours – but it’s a really long story). Finding that root problem really helps with the healing process. Is your counselor Gottman trained? Our counselor has also been working with us with our “Core Values” and “Love Languages”. While I hate that he had an affair, going to counseling has been the best thing for us – to work on things that we had been avoiding for years. I am hoping that our marriage will end up stronger in the end.

      I do feel like such a phony sometimes around our really close friends and family, but I know that it was for the best that we did not involve them. A neighbor recently cheated on her husband and their entire circle of friends knew and it’s been really dramatic and people taking sides. I did not want that to happen.

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