My husband cheated on me. Now what?

Last week, a new betrayed wife posted a comment on my blog. She discovered her husband’s affair the night before and her Googling brought her to my blog. I remember so clearly lying in my bed typing the words: my husband cheated on me into the Google search bar of my iPad only hours after my discovery. I wanted someone to tell me what to do. I was completely unprepared for an affair. I always assumed if he cheated our marriage would be over. Maybe it’s what I was taught or maybe I just haven’t known any happily married people that have dealt with infidelity. The fact is I didn’t know what to do. I felt broken and defeated. I felt alone and scared. I wanted someone to tell me how to navigate this mess because this wasn’t supposed to happen to me.

What I discovered in the 72 hours after my D-Day was there was no one out there that agreed on what to do. Every betrayed woman had a different path, a different story or a marriage unlike my own. I joined web groups and read countless articles and blogs. And still, no one could tell me succinctly what to do. Honestly, I wanted someone to tell me if my marriage was over. Like I said, before I found out my husband cheated I didn’t think I would ever stay or have the capacity to forgive him. But after I discovered his affair, I realized that our love was not a casualty of his affair. I told myself I would allow myself time to decide if I could remain in the marriage or not. I told myself I could leave at any time but I would allow myself two years to heal. My decision may be not right for anyone else but me—but I could live with it.

I remember reading this article about four or five months ago. The questions asked in the article are:

  1. How do you define love?
  2. Is your definition of love large enough to encompass profound failure?

We each define love independently in our own lives. We place our own limitations and expectations of love on our definition. On my D-Day, I don’t know if I could have known if my definition of love was large enough to include my husband’s failures/infidelity. As much as I have grown in the past ten months, there are still moments when the affair hits me like a ton of bricks and I question whether I can forgive him completely. It’s how I overcome those moments that keeps me going. It’s about being open and honest with my husband about those moments so we can have complete transparency. I am not expected to just get over his affair and move on. We have an agreement that if something bothers me in five, ten or twenty years about this affair that I can bring it up and he can never say: I thought you were over that already. I promise to not hold grudges or throw it in his face but I am not expected keep silent either.

I made mistakes in those first days after discovering his affair too. We spent hours talking but I couldn’t hear much of what he said. I heard the words but I couldn’t understand them because I made assumptions that were completely wrong about his relationship with his AP. I had always thought if a man has an affair the sex must be amazing, the relationship is worth walking away from your marriage for and the man is a liar. While those things could be true—they weren’t the truth for us. Try not to base your healing on anything said in the wake of the discovery of the affair.

Sex is also a strange thing after an affair. Many women report they begin the hysterical bonding immediately. That was not the case for me. My husband was not home for 36 hours after I discovered his affair. I had time to read and read online about infidelity. I read that it took two years minimum to heal and I told myself we might now have sex for two year (boy, was I wrong). I also told my husband this. I told him that I couldn’t be physical with him and was he willing to work on a marriage with no sexual intimacy. He agreed he would stay no matter what happened. We made love the night after we were both tested for STDs. We went out to dinner and we began talking—not about the affair—about us. We were on a date and we didn’t even plan it or know it. We left the restaurant and began kissing in the parking lot. He pushed me up against the car and I never wanted him more in my life. We barely made it inside our home before I began ripping his clothes off. That was September 28, 2012. We made love seven times over the next twenty-four hours. Both of us full of desire and passion. What I realized about hysterical bonding is that it has to be both ways—both spouses have to need that connection to be reestablished with the other person. My husband and I must be still hysterical or bonding because we haven’t missed a day. The sex is the best it’s ever been and we had a passionate and playful sex life before the affair.

The truth is you may not know what to do after you discover your spouse cheated on you, but you will be okay. You will survive. Take care of yourself. Eat. Sleep. Don’t spend every moment thinking about the affair.

I wonder what advice you wish you heard on your D-Day or just after? Write it below and hopefully it can help someone. Finish this thought: My husband cheated on me, now what?

531 thoughts on “My husband cheated on me. Now what?

  1. My husband told me three days ago that he has been sleeping with other women for the past two years! I was in shock for about 24 hours I didn’t understand how he could do this to me and our daughter! At first I blamed myself because we haven’t been having as much sex with the new baby and this article has really helped me because all I’ve wanted to do was make love to my husband and I didn’t tell if that was right or not! I’m so scared and I feel so alone!

    • Hi…I am in the same position. I found out my husband has been cheatibg in me for over a year with a do you survive???

      • I don’t know exactly how to survive – I just chose to get up every day and keep living. Keep being there for my children. Keep breathing. I guess that’s how we survive.

    • I have a similar story. I had suspected my husband cheated, (idk how i knew but I just did). After 2YEARS! Of asking him to be honest with me, he finally came clean. I had no idea the devestating impact of infidelity!! I can honestly say the pain can be compared to loosing a child. First reaction was divorce, but after reading about it. I decided to tough it out and give him a chance, plus he was very remorseful and is FINALLY the man I always knew he could be. So, like the author, we had passionate sex everyday, went out together again and finally enjoyed each others company again. It was just like when we where dating in high school. THEN HE ADMITTED TO ANOTHER ONE. So, now I’m back at square one, hurt, alone, confused, and wondering how this could have happened. ERRRR I hate this feeling!!

      • Was the second affair he admitted to after or before the first one you found out about? I always wonder what I would do if my husband admitted to another affair in the past – would it change anything? Should it? Then there are times I am fearful he will cheat again because it happened before. And then I wonder what would I do? Would I stay? Idk.

  2. In march 2014 I discovered my husband had been using dating to sext other women. I was working as a fast food manager nights so we didnt have to pay daycare. In nov actually nov 2 to be exact I seen an email confimation pop up on his phone for a craigslist add for making plans to actually meet up. So he thought this out and did I mention these are with other men. I mafe him move out as ots has been a very emotionally up and down roller coster for ten years now. He reached out to his boss and entered in to a sober house style living situation. On feb 2 three months to the day I seen another confirmation for am adultfriendfinder webiste that he had signed up to on jan 8 th. Today I finally decided to end it becuase I have given so many chances but I dont know if it is the right choice. This is my xurrent situation. A little background in 2009 we seperated for six after being xontact by local authorities involving sexual abuse on children on a boys home he had attensded when he was 12 and other boys gave his name as a victim also. He denied the whole bit I was working 65 hours a week and didnt see the signs. He moved out and moved four hours away to his sisters we planned a six month break and he said he thought he would be happier living up there. He wanted me and the kids to move with him so I did. But not for the right reasons. He said it would be a good time for me to get a job if I came up then. But I was in love that I went. Ofound out nov 8th 2014 that while we were previously seperated he had indeed cheayed on me with multiple women.
    I am so confused. On one hand I have moments of great strength that finally this hell is over with. But on the other hand I have him telling me he loves me and doesnt it to be like this but he also had never been alone and doesnt know if he is just scared of being or just that messed up from his past that he doesnt know how to love me without hurting me. All I asked from was an effort to work on us. While I knew changes werent gonna happen overnight some needed to lime the no more adults and treat me with respect. I was willing and was living apart taking car of our two special needs children so he can jeal himself. I go back and forth on wether I love him as a husband and want to help or feel sich pity because the journey life led him through. I am so co fused do I just let him go or fight even more to keep him. I am so confused. He jas sttod in my way of so many opportunities every promaotion at any job was always tampered with by him. I am so lost the thought of freedom from haye and lies is amazing. But the thought of never having his arms around me again or anything lime is tramatizing. I feel lime such an idiot because truthfully he was horrible to me no bdays cards or gifts no cooked dinners or breakfast for motherdays. A friend tod me when I forst found out to take a gift from and burn it. I entertained the idea even looked for something and realized in the 10 years of marriage I did not have one trinket to call my thay was from my husband. He was such a horrible person just won me with words why cant I let go. How do I let go

    • You have to take care of yourself first and foremost. Make sure you are getting what you need. It sounds like you know that your husband has inhibited your happiness, success, and life many times. You need to make decisions to empower yourself. Love yourself. If you need to speak to a therapist then find one that will help you work through this struggle you feel. You can take the steps you need to take to be happy, be strong, be you again.

  3. Thank you for your openness and transparency into your marriage. I’m grateful for your article. My husband told me yesterday evening about his affair the night before. Although I am broken, I believe he may almost be in worse condition. I am devastated of course. I never saw this coming. I have (had) the marriage that everyone envied. We were happy. We had great communication, We laugh. We go on dates. We don’t really fight. But he is a professional DJ so he is offered alcohol at a lot of his gigs. And as of about 2 years ago, he was never even a drinker. Saturday night he was wasted. Out of his mind wasted. Anyway, on occasion the 6.5 years we’ve been married, his ex girlfriend from nearly 8 years ago would text him. Well, him being in the right state of mind, he would always ignore her texts. Well not this night. She happened to drunk text him that evening as he was leaving a wedding and things went way wrong. He immediately jumped off her the minute he made the mistake. Anyway, the guilt ate him up and he told me everything, down to the last detail, as well as he’s gone to his parents, my parents, and our pastor seeking wisdom and forgiveness. He would have never made such a drastic mistake if he were in his right state of mind. I know he loves me and my daughter very much. He is also seeking counsel regarding the alcohol abuse. Unfortunately, he has stained our once spotless marriage and I don’t know what to do. Like you, I always knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would never stay married to a man that cheated on me. But, I married a good man, I know I did, and although his mistake seems unforgiveable, I know that he is hurting too. He loves me and I know time will heal if I’m willing to forgive but I think I need a few days to grieve.

  4. Hi, I hope you can read this and maybe give me a little insight. The other night my husband went to the apt hot tub and was drinking. He does this regularly with his friends and sometimes I will go too. Friday night though, I didn’t want to go because I was exhausted so he alone with friends. Some other people were there too and I knew who they were having met them on a previous night. He came from the hot tub at 3 in the morning while I was sleeping. The next day, (valentines day), he came home from work I noticed a hickey on his neck and wouldn’t take off his scarf. I didn’t mention it to his until after he got out of the shower because I needed some time to relax about the possibility of him having sex with someone else. I confronted him and he said that a box of something dropped on him at work. (He’s a contractor). Today, the 15th, I went to the girl’s apt who I figured it was and told her I needed her side of the story because I already had his. (Which is a lie, but oh well, it worked). She told me that my husband was actively pursuing her and saying she was so beautiful and she said to him, well you’re married but she still had sex with him anyways. We have been married for 1 year. We have both been married before. Someone please give me advice. We both have always said that if either of us commits infidelity, then we will divorce. We don’t have children. Now I’m not so sure I want to leave even though that’s what was said but I don’t want to seem like a doormat because I’m so in love with him still.

    • Did you end up confronting your husband yet? How did he react or what did he tell you? I can’t tell you if you should stay or go. I wish I knew the answer but you have to trust yourself to be able to figure that out. Before my husband cheated I always told him I would cut his dick off if he ever cheated. It was a running “joke” but I wasn’t entirely joking. It didn’t stop my husband from cheating because when a man/woman is in the moment they don’t think they will get caught. Affairs don’t invalidate a marriage but they sure do a lot of damage.
      Talk to your husband. Find out the why he thinks this happened. He may not have an answer right away. My husband’s first response to me was his own denial, the reasons he told himself to make it okay to cheat. None of it was real. It was how he justified his behavior though. It didn’t take long for my husband to recognize that all those lies he was telling himself were just that, lies. But the most important thing is to take care of yourself first and foremost. Remember, none of this is your fault. He cheated, he chose to have an affair, and he did not include you in this decision.

  5. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and married for four years. Before we got married he cheated on me and I was able to forgive and accept him back. Just yesterday I found out he was cheating on me again and with the same woman as before. I confronted him and asked him to leave the house. He pleaded and said it was over and that he was going to tell me. We have a baby together. It’s odd I don’t hate him for it but extremely hurt. Our marriage was starting to fall apart. We lost our spark so I felt somewhat responsible for the marriage getting to this point. We talked about what happened, about how hurt I was and how I gave him opportunities to walk out and that I asked before he ever cheated on me to leave me. I told him that before we got married I was asked if I was marrying him because of comfort or love and back then I couldn’t answer. When I was asked again I was able to honestly respond that I love him. I realized we were pulling apart and I told him I realized that too late. I also told him that despite what he did I stilled loved him but couldn’t see myself trusting him again. He started breaking down in tears, tears I’ve never him cry before. It killed me. Just a few hours later and all I can think about is him and how I want to run to him and hug him and just wish things could work. I asked for time apart so we are planning to move out of the apartment until I can sort my feelings.

    I don’t know what to do. Stay or divorce?

    • It’s hard to sort out feelings for someone you love and have spent 10+ years with. I found it difficult to see my husband upset when he was the one that created the pain we both felt. But in the end, he had to take responsibility and show me that he was committed to fixing what was broken. I hope you can find the answer to your question. Stay or divorce is a big decision…. hopefully, you trust your instincts, listen to what you’ve been told.

  6. I have been married for 14 yrs. My husband works on and off overseas. We have two children when I was pregnant with my second child 6 yrs ago I caught my husband cheating on me. We went through counseling and we continued our marriage. Everything was back normal. This was when he was working here in States living with us he cheated. Now he has a job overseas and I caught him cheating on me again but this time it really torn me up. I saw pics on social media of his mistress posting flowers on his bedroom( where I slept during summer vacation for two moths) her saying feeling loved . I send her message I am his wife to please stop seeing my husband. I know I humitiated myself by sending her a message.So I told my husband why he admitted it was mistake and he asked me for divorce. He told me he is not with her anymore but he just wants to stay friends with me because It was not right for me to write to his mistress, so in case he doesn ‘something stupid ‘ again I won’t say nothing. I really love my husband I ynought we were doing good we had plans to build a house of our dreams. He used to call me everyday tell me I love you. Few days ago I saw a pic of the mistress she posted flowers that my husband bought her saying (6months I’m blessed to met you, I love you) this is my husband hand writing. I didn’t say nothing to him no more. For two months now he doesn’t call me, he only calls to speak to our kids, so 3 days ago I send him letter saying I want to come to you or you come home so we can discuss this and move on. He replied saying ‘right now, I’m not ready to do anything I will be home in three weeks and will discuss. He continue saying he was stressed and doesn’t want to talk right now with me. All this time I have been a good wife and good mother to our children. I don’t know what to do now, i have 2 small children and I go to school full time I have one more yr to complete bachelor degree. I don’t have a job at this time. No family near me… I am so confused all this time he lied to me he loved me and I trusted him. Please someone give me an advice!! Should I divorce or shoud I try to work on our marriage. Thank you to all

    • Your husband’s decision to cheat and have an affair is not a reflection on you as a wife or a mother. His decision to cheat is because he is lacking something and he is allowing this other woman to fill the void instead of coming to you. It’s difficult to be vulnerable. Sometimes it’s more difficult to be vulnerable with our spouse than with a stranger because we don’t want to disappoint our spouse.
      It’s not okay that your husband told you that you cannot contact his affair partner. You are his wife and you have the right to protect yourself and your children.
      If your husband will not come home earlier than expected then I would recommend you prepare yourself for any scenario that might occur. You may need to seek legal advice. You may want to have what you want to communicate to him prepared too. Know what you need to ask him and know that you will need things too.
      Take care of yourself and your children.

  7. Last night my husband told me that four years ago while he was working overseas that he cheated on me. That was in the beginning of our marriage and we just had our daughter. Now its 4 and a half years later and we just had our second child and I’m still in a state of shock. I just feel like our whole marriage/ relationship has been a lie. I’m so hurt and confused and have no idea what to do. Our marriage seemed perfect and I believed he truly loved me but now I’m no longer sure. So sorry if my comment is all over the place, i guess its indicative of how I’m feeling at the moment. He wants to know if I’ll leave him and take the kids but as of right now I just can’t get over the hurt and betrayal.

    • What led him to tell you? His guilt?
      It’s hard to know what to do when you find out something so shocking. I always thought I would leave my husband if he cheated but here I am trying to rebuild my marriage. There is so much pain in discovering your partner’s betrayal. I felt like I was almost powerless… not sure what to do but I didn’t feel compelled to leave so I stayed. I think it can be totally different for everyone though. Some woman need time away from their husband for clarity. Listen to yourself. Whatever you need ask for it. Tell him how you feel. Tell him what you need. For me, I needed to go to therapy together and separately. I need transparency in his life. I needed to try to learn to trust again.
      Take care of yourself first. Don’t let the pain be your focus all day long. Allow your children to distract you- you will need that break from it all. Do something for yourself (be selfish). I hope you can get to a place where you find an answer in time. Be patient.

  8. Hello,
    I have read many of the blogs that you have all left and many of them have helped me in terms of understanding that infidelity is far more common than I ever realised.
    I often thought or maybe even presumed that affairs or infidelity took place in ‘unhappy’ relationships, but the more I have read and come to understand infidelity the more I realised I couldn’t be more wrong which leads me to my position.
    My partner and I have been together for almost 2.5 years now and from the moment I met him I was besotted! I discovered messages eight months into our relationships on his vibes account that he had been sending to another woman, my world in that split second seemed to disappear. I was hurt, confused and had this overwhelming feeling of both disgust but also humiliation. He had been messaging her for months, almost in the same way he talked to me.
    It took me 3/4 days to speak to him because all I wanted to do was cry, but I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. We spoke about it and I agreed to try and rebuild our relationship, yet almost two years on I am still struggling with the deceit.
    I don’t know how to bring it up with my partner now because it was so long ago but to me it still hurts the same.

    • It’s hard to bring up the past after a certain point. My husband and I don’t really discsuss the affair anymore but we have an agreement that if I need to talk about the affair that he has to listen. I guess the fear is that will our partner hear what we are trying to say or will they only become defensive and hear what they need to hear. I do think you should find a way to talk to your partner in an open an honest way. You can’t bottle this stuff up because it will end up harvesting itself in your life in some other way.

  9. Hi,
    My story is not dissimilar to anything I have read on the blog so far. I feel the pain of all the women who have posted their stories here. I discovered beginning of March that my husband had an affair for a year and half. He said it was not for sex. He said she was in a difficult situation and in need of friend so he wanted to help her. It started by talking on the phone, sharing photos. She is from another country and he met her through work. Not long after they started speaking he went to see her and they would see each other once a month. I would not suspect anything as my husband travels regularly for work. He said that they started to have sex only after 6 months. He claims that every time he would travel to see her he would never intended to have sex with her. He would only be there for her because she was going through a very difficult situation. She was the one to incite him and he gave in in the end. Well, I see that of course he put himself in that situation in the 1st place and allowed things happen. He constantly travelled to see her and spent fortunes on planes and hotels. And of course every time would lie to me. We have been married for 8 years now. Our marriage has been difficult at times due to family pressure and financial struggles. But I never expected this from him. He is of a very shy nature and would not have any female friends. I truly thought that he was an honest man. When I thought about what could go wrong in our marriage, him having an affair was the last thing on my mind. I tried to tell him that he did it because he was looking for something that he was lacking in our relation or to escape his daily reality but he entirely denied it at 1st saying that he only wanted to help her. He says now that I maybe right when I said to him that he does not understand what caring and loving really means. That he confuses everything. What makes it worse is that I was myself quite unwell last year and needed his love and support more than ever. Instead he decided to help someone else. So, 1 month as elapse now since I realised. He said there has been no contact with the other woman since. I love him and at 1st said I want to forgive and move on but he has been very distant and uncomfortable with me. He said he loves me and he is very sorry. However I think he is confused. He said it is difficult to be around me as he saw how much he hurt me and he is not sure he is man I thought he was. He said he wants us to separate so he can reflect. When I finally suggested that I would move out he said no that we could wait as we have guests coming to stay in couple of weeks. Now I am starting to be uncomfortable. I am trying to be nice to him but I don’t know what to do to please him. I am becoming tired of this strange situation of not even knowing if he actually wants to be with me or not or if we should act as if we are only friends sharing the same house. Would separation the best option as we do not have children? Could you please advise?

    • Sorry your comment was buried in my feed.
      Have you saught counseling? I truly believe that the best way to rebuld a marrage after an affair is therapy. Go together and separately. I don’t know if children are “the” reason to stay in a marriage after an affair but it is what kept me in my marriage initially. Soon after, I recognized that I loved my husband and didn’t want to lose him.

  10. Help.. I feel so torn. My husband and I have been together 13 years and I know if two times in the past.. Over 6 years ago where he cheated on me. That strained our relationship to the point that we bearly have sex, I can’t kiss him and now I find out he has been having an affair for the last year. He says he loves me and doesn’t want to lose his family but when is enough enough? I live him but in not in live with him and he feels the same. He even got the girl pregnant and she had an abortion.. And she was a former friend of mine!! I don’t know how to deal with this and all the pain in feeling. He is still living with me but we are separated. He said I can have sex with someone else as long as I don’t tell him about it…does he even live me to say those things?? I am so confused. I do live him and want to make it work but on the other hand I don’t want to be a door mat. I want to feel loved and happy..I’m just sad and discontented and that has been since the last affair. Hd says we never got over the last affair he had and I pushed him away.. Which is true…

    • I’m sorry that you are dealing with so much in your marriage. While your husband may be partially correct, it may be more that you haven’t been able to move forward – the pain is still fresh for you. Moving forward is a process and takes time. And a huge part of healing is feeling supported by the betrayer (your husband). How can you even try to trust him again when he’s cheating? You did not push him away – he has removed himself from accountability from his affair. He is accountable for helping you heal, giving you anything and everything you need to take steps forward and rebuild your marriage. My d-day was 2 1/2 years ago and while I feel like I am mostly healed – I still have so much further to go. And keeping our marriage strong and healthy is a constant committment from both of us.
      Will your husband go to couples therapy with you? Regardless, you should go alone too. My therapist was able to help me move past issues that I was stuck on. She was supportive and helpful even in my lowest moments…. I hope that helps.

      • By January by suspertion came true,found out a week after giving birth to my daughter my husband has been cheating,we married for three years..he denied the whole thing.. I had no support in my pregnancies,no affection,no love,no communication..first pregnancy I was treated the same..I’ve always been open with him,telling how I felt, the way his treating making me unhappy,I asked him several times if his cheating,because of his attitude towards me..his response was when do I have the time.. My husband plays the good husband and good son,he has his own businesse, his always home in the evenings..when I found out his affair I found most of his telephone records,he was cheating on me with heart been broken I can’t look at him in the same light,when his with me and my kids I feel like I’m the a stranger,he dies the whole thing..the moment I mentioned her name.. He was all affectointed towards with.. I never got an apology or an I love you.. All he said I want to make this marriage work..I told him too leave,he refuses think his holding on because of the kids..I booked us counseling session his refusing that.. I’m still going to go myself.. I asked him “why” he refuses to tell me, I’m not allowed to bring it up.. He says are you still going on abt this?! He says he did not sleep with who ever.. I know his lying,because he was’nt into me.. Then I told him why are you contacting other women?! That’s a big thing too.. I was relieved when I found out he was cheating, because I’ve been so unhappy in this marriage I’ve been giving so much of myself and got nothing.. Not even a goodbye at night, I use too sit up till late before I went too sleep I had so much anger in me.. When I checked his telephone records again he contacted her again in feb., I have no idea what too do with him?!

      • You can only rebuild your marriage if he is willling to work with you. Tell him what you need and what you want. Be clear about what you need to heal and move forward. If he is not willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild your marriage then you need to decide if you can stay. For me, I chose to stay as long as we were both willing to work on rebuildling. I had certain items that were non-negotiable. He had to be honesty, answer my questions, go to therapy, and be remorseful. Without remorse I don’t think we would be together still.

  11. Its been almost 2 weeks since I found out my husband of 18 years had an affair while working out of town during the week. She is 24, addicted to pills and a stripper (she is 1/2 my age and the age of our oldest daughter). So many emotions, so many questions! I have loved my husband and continue to do so. He has stopped working out of town, my condition, and has said all the right things or should I say what I want to hear. He has answered questions although I am not sure completely. This affair was only 1 month (talking and only sleeping together 2xs). He did not hesitate coming home, in fact has said that is what he needed to end the affair before it got of of control, he was trying but just kept getting wrapped up. For the last 6 months there have been Strippers he talks to on the phone, as friends, but swears no sex until he met this particular one. He came home on the weekends and we shared more intimate moments then we had in years as if nothing had changed other than the time apart made us closer when together. Not sure what to believe! The crazy thing is I can’t get enough of him! We have talked, I have cried and I get angry and then we make love like never before. I hate that about myself that I caved and “gave” in, but I just can’t stop. I feel that I am just sending the wrong message to him and that he may think he actions were okay and I am good with it and that we can just pick up and move on. The emotional roller coaster is just too much at times. I feel that he hasn’t opened up as to why other than to say that he was stupid and got lost in the mess. But I feel there is so more, he has never been a talker and it bothers me more now than ever! He has apologized over and over but I just can’t feel it. Does he feel guilty? Is he ashamed? Does he care how much I hurt? I have always been the aggressor in the bedroom, many nights of being turned down or his inability to “complete”, feeling lonely with him right next to me, I have never thought of straying from our marriage, so why did he? Oh the questions, the thoughts, the emotions! If only I could turn off my thoughts if even just for a little while! Your blog has at least allowed me to not feel so alone in all of this and given me hope that we can get past this after all he did come home to start the recovery. I just hope this is a promise he can keep and can handle the long journey ahead. Thank you.

    • There were days I wanted to just flick a switch so the triggers and thoughts of the affair would end. I don’t think anyone can understand this unless they have lived through what we have as betrayed spouses. The pain, the struggle, the doubts… the affair just won’t let go of our minds.

  12. Five days ago I accidentally discovered (through looking at txt messages) that my husband of nine years was planning on being unfaithful to me. I confronted him and he admitted to it all. Although nothing physical actually happened the trust has been completely broken. I never thought I would be facing a situation like this. We have two children and am pregnant with our third. Mostly I feel shocked and void of any emotions at all. My first instinct was to tell him to leave but I feel I have been irrationally calm, far too calm, maybe the rest is yet to come. It’s guess it’s easy to think how you would react until you are faced with that situation. I think I want our marriage to work but need to work on why this happened, I think he thinks we can just move on but I’m afraid if we don’t seek professional help in 2,5,10 years time I’ll be in the same situation (and I’m not willing to be here ever again). I think he blames the decrease in our physical connection which I can accept part responsibility for but I’m not so sure he is ready to delve deeper into himself to accept & work things out. Thank you for writing about your experiences, I really do wish you all the best. I hope we are as open and strong in working on our relationship and can move forward together.

    • You should absolutely seek professional help both together and separately. There are emotions you need to work through and communicate to each other. His temptation to cheat is rooted in something else and if you do not figure out where it came from then it may rear it’s ugly face agaain someday. Keep talking.

  13. I wish I would of seen this sooner, ive been with my husband since I was 16, weve been together for 4 years and married for only 1. he cheated on me before we got married and I forgave him, it was the hardest thing ive ever done. we got married last year and I was finally starting to fully trust him again. 3 months ago though he told me the truth about his cheating the first time(the full truth) and I felt like everything was a lie, he told me he only kissed the girl, now its full blown sex multiple times… so I kicked him out, called him names, etc. the next day though I agreed to work things out, but told him I needed my time. after a couple days he was back in the house and I was on the road to recovery. 1 month later though the girl wrote me and confessed that they had had sex again. the day after I kicked him out. I couldn’t believe it. I could have swore I married a good man. he knew the pain I went through, the lack of self esteem, tears, everything. and to do it again while we were on bad terms? im shattered. i kicked him to the curb now and have been playing single mommy for 2 months. he is ofcourse remorseful, begs, cries, sends flowers weekly, talking to our pastor and my family. i try to look at him and see in him what i used to but i feel like its all gone, i used to think he was attractive, now i think hes ugly. i throw his flowers away, i turn away when he tries to kiss me, ive even started talking to a guy to get over this pain. i know im not handling this the right way. please help.

    • It sounds like you have a lot of anger for what happened. Anger is good. I almost wish I had more anger when I first found out.
      What do you want? You can rebuild your marriage but it takes a long time, it take work on both sides, and it may be the most difficult thing you’ve both ever done. But it can be done. So you need to decide if this is what you want. You deserve honesty, the truth, and to be respected.
      Find a therapist. Even if you decide you don’t want to rebuild your marriage it will still be good to go to therapy together because you have a child together.
      As far as the other guy you are talking to – it sounds like you are aware this could be the wrong thing. The other guy may respect and care about you but it’s easy to fall into another man’s arms when you are hurt. It feels good to be taken care of and have a shoulder to cry on. But that doesn’t mean that what you “feel” is necessarily real. Be careful and take care of yourself.

  14. I found out in January my husband has been cheating on with an escort,I gave birth a week before that,I had a terrible pregnancy with no support from him, he distant himself completly away from me,we had no communication at all he always brushed me off, I kept on asking if his having an affair, I asked him weekly, he dienied it.. I always complained too him saying I’m unhappy, we only married for three years,doesn’t he see it..when I found out, he said it’s not true,I found text msgs, and have his phone bills he made contact daily, I told him too move out, he refused,I made a counseling app, he refused,he doesn’t speak about it, He doesn’t allow me to talk about it, all he tells are you still going on about it.. I have too kids now, one is one year nine months and my new born four months which are sweet babies.. I’ve been so depressed in this marriage, before I found out abt the escorts I used to cry daily and at night without him knowing, when I mentioned to him I know abt what his been up too.. He changed completely I’ve been getting affection,his been communicating with me,I feel so hurt as to why me and why my family? I still can’t sleep at night I feel I’m sleeping next to a stranger, someone whose been leaving a double life.. I asked him for a divorce, I don’t understand what’s he holding onto.. I think his very selfish

  15. I found out on Sunday my husband that I have been married to for 13 yrs was having an a sexual affair for 10 months. The other woman did not know I existed. About 2 weeks ago I found the other woman because I came across message on his phone. I confronted him he said he would stop. The 1st week if healing we had a lot of sex then the next week was my period and could not do much. That same week he went back the woman and had sex with her 3 times. Now I have discovered the full truth I am not sure at this point what to do. It’s only the 3rd day since I have discovered everything. This is his 1st time cheating. How do I know if I should attempt to rebuild this marriage?

    • It’s likely that your husband wants to rebuild and stop cheating on you. An affair partner and an affair is like an addiction. It’s very difficult to stop cold-turkey because the affair is fulfilling something that your husband feels is lacking in him. His affair partner gives him a “high” just like drug. So when he tries to end things with her he can be pulled back in because he misses “her.” BUT it’s not her, it’s the way she makes him feel.
      For me, it was filling that void in my husband’s life. He wanted attention and to feel like adored, loved, and like a hero. So I touched him, texted him messages to confirm my love and desires for him throughout the day, sent him emails (sexy or just ones to talk about what was going on). We spent time together every night talking and connecting intimately. Intimacy is something that is huge for men.
      If you can, find a therapist – one for you to go together and also separately. You need to be able to work through the trauma of what has happened. It’s possible to rebuild but it takes time, committment, and two people. I hope this helps. Take care.

  16. I start by my son who found a DVD for toddler and he is 13yr old I ask my husband he denial it. i found child proof lock door on he denial it I found bank statements he denial it until I found his google plus on I look at his location and found out he has been seen a coworker from the pass he is still seeing her after he told me the truth yes he “was” seeing her but he is “not anymore” I don’t believe him after I been having my suspicious sin August and is now may 9 one day before mothers Day I have ask him to leave he said no I call the polices and told me that they could only ask him to leave and he said no no I don’t know what to do and now he doesn’t talk to me as far as I know he plan to get me and angrier and angrier on till I leave and he could move her in what was our house when he was confessing everything how it was all started he told me she has ask him over and over to leave you wife I pay for your divorce I know she is not s good woman she has 4children from 3 baby daddy’s what kind of woman is she? I don’t understand why her is not that I don’t want him is like throwing out a good food for rotten garbage food why men fall for women like this I will never understand please need to see thinks clear I don’t want him but I hate it that he want her better then me from a scale 1-10 I’m a 9 she is -1 for the mouth body and attitude she has i’m so confused please help

    • Have you gone to therapy together? It sounds like you need to be able to talk to him in an environment where he is listening and not being defensive. Make a list of what you need to move forward, what you need to trust him, and what you want. Be able to tell him these things and find out if he is willing to rebuild your marriage together. Communication is key at this point and if you can find a therapist you trust that will be helpful.

  17. I have found out less than 24 hrs ago my husband has cheated 2xs 2 different women after meeting them on some meet me app…we are young 26 & have 3 kids ages 5/4/1. I haven’t been able to eat since I found out I have thrown up several times and cant stop crying or thinking about it. Why? How? What did I do to cause this? Will he stop? He is at work today and all I can think about is the factthat he could be cheating now as i type this i wont know. I took his phone which he has always had a password to get on and keeps on him and on silent at all times. So how could I be so stupid? I reset his passwords to his email to break into his phone and he acts like if I would have just stayed out of it i wouldn’t be feeling this way!!!RReally? ?!!! He cheated but yet i should feel guilty for breaking into his phone?? But says he loves me and wants me and would do anything for me….I am so confused I am so hurt I am so angry I am so in love with him and i am so insecure now. Maybe I am not good enough and thats why…maybe I will never be good enough for anyone??? I want to run away and scream and throw things but i have 3 babies that are counting on me but I need to get AWAY FAR AWAY!!!!

    • I know that feeling – of wanting to run away from your life. Honestly, if I didn’t have three children I think I would have left, or done something worse. First, and foremost, you are good enough and your husband’s affair is not about anything you are lacking. His affair is rooted in something he feels is lacking – from him not you.
      You need to take care of yourself – that is most important. I know how hard it is to force food down but make sure you do eat something. For me, a banana or toast was palpable during the first week or so. It’s okay if you need time alone to cry but don’t let yourself fall into a downward spiral. It’s very easy to do but let your kids refocus you. Let your children distract you from your pain. They need you and it will keep you going when all you want to do is fall down.
      If your husband is willing to do whatever it takes to fix and rebuild your marriage then you need to find a therapist. If you can, go together and separately. You need a place to talk, hear the truth, and speak your mind.
      Talk to your husband. It’s hard to trust them when they go to work – it’s so hard. But find a way that helps you. I used to pop in on my husband to see what he was doing, who was there, and if he was where he said he should be. Call him. Have him check in. Tell him you need to read emails. Whatever you need should be accessible.
      Take care. xoxo

  18. I work hard with regular 40 hours of work every week with split days off each spent doing housework and never had a good relaxing days off since i started working with my current job. After a long day’s work i come home prepare dinner, do chores and whatever needs to be done, i do all these for all my love and dedication to my family. When im out, i always put my family ahead of me in buying stuffs. But then one day i came home and i got bitched at for getting something nice for my husband for a very cheap price. That left a big question mark on my head, geee how ungrateful he is! The next day husband left, took all his things with him and decided to get a divorce. What the hell?
    A lot of people got involved with this commotion and its so embarrassing. Well as the day progresses we talked things out and he rested for the night back in our place. But then i always have this gut feeling of him cheating on me specially when i have these dreams about him cheating on me and leaving me. I went to look for his celphone and searched all over, only to find out he is really cheating on me and even changed the name of the woman into a guy’s name so i won’t be skeptical. It felt like a million knives just stabbed me on my chest, i never ever thought he would do that to me and never even thought he’s that kind of person.
    It took me awhile to get over it, but then even until now whoch has only been a month after, it still hurts me so much, it still keeps coming back to me and also the trust that i have for him is just so hard to put back…

  19. It’s a few weeks after D Day for me. My husband thinks I should be over his affair and claously tells me that I have to deal with it and it was not like I think it was. He says he loves me and wants it to work. Am I selfish in feeling that he should answer my questions about his affair and expect him to understand that I need to navigate though this mess in my own way? He thinks I should be over it.

    • It take time – and lots of it – to heal from an affair. It’s not something that can be easily cleaned up like spilled milk. I hope your husband is beginning to understand that his actions and his help will be the determining factor in you healing and getting through this betrayal if you want to stay together. You will need to see that he is remorseful, that he is willing to do anything and everything it takes to heal, and that he is willing to earn trust back (as much as you can). It takes time… I wish you all the best and hope you are doing much better. Keep talking, keep the lines of communication open.

  20. I just found out he is cheating on me with a woman I know. She runs a coop that I get our food from it is all volunteer run and I volunteer regularly. I’m angry, not only that he cheated but that he has destroyed a community I am part of.

    This is not the first time, or even the tenth. I cannot do this anymore. I am so angry so hurt, and so disgusted with myself for staying, for trying, and believing in him. Trust is shattered for me, and I don’t know what to do. To top it off he’s a jerk about it, I’m kicking him out. I don’t have money to stay in the house (we rent) and I don’t have my own car (it’s in his name). I hate him for ruining our family. My daughter’s birthday is only a few days away. I hate him for ruining our family.

  21. Came across this blog from googling “just found out my husband cheated on me”. I’ve always said that because I’m married, I know that if I caught my partner cheating, I would have to be ready to try and work it out. Now, I’m not so sure! We’ve been married a year and he basically all but said that it was my fault that he cheated. I’m really over it and want nothing else to do with him. No, this isn’t a “heat of the moment” thing- I’m literally done with him. Is this normal? I’m already planning how I will decorate my new place by myself.

    • I hope you know that it is not your fault – at all. If you feel 100% certain that you want to move on and your marriage is not salvagable or what you want then you need to trust yourself. I usually advise people not to make decisions when they are having extreme highs or lows – give yourself time. But I also think you shouldn’t waste time if you know that there isn’t a doubt in your mind. Maybe talk to a therapist first before you make any permanent decisions but trust yourself.

  22. Hi I am 29 yrs old, today morning I came to know from my husband’s friend that my husband is in love with my sister and he wants to do anything to get married to her. On the other hand my sister is already seeing somebody else and treats my husband as a brother and I have a 5 yr old son from 6 yrs of marraige. I came to know about this just 2 days before my marriage anniversary. Feeling very lonely, plz tell me how to divert my husband from these feelings??

    • I would have open and honest conversations. Why is he feeling this way? Has he acted on these feelings? How does your sister feel and what is her side of this story? Find a therapist and keep the lines of communication open.

  23. It’s 1:35am. My husband just confesses to cheating on me with another woman back I’m January multiple times. I can’t even begin to comprehend how I feel right now. I love him so much and want a life for us, he is a broken mess. How are we suppose to get through this?? I want to scream and cry and hide in a corner, yell and punch him all at the same time. Everytime I picture them I want to throw up, I get a knot in my stomach I can’t shake. I don’t know how I’m going to get over this, I want to do badly. I wish I could pretend it didn’t happen but I can’t ignore it and I can’t ignore my feelings… Is this really happening?

    • I know that feeling. I didn’t understand my own feelings on d-day and the days that followed either.
      You will be okay. I am sorry it’s been a few days since you wrote this for me to see it. Allow yourself to feel everything that you do feel – sadness, anger, whatever you feel – it’s normal. Try to understand what you need to move forward. Take time for yourself every day – if you need an hour to do something then take it. Do something that makes you feel good. For me, I would go get a cup of coffee, or shop (retail therapy did wonders for me, and yoga).
      Talk to your husband and be (brutally) honest with him. Ask the question you need answered. Understand that once you have that answer you will never be able to unknow it – so choose wisely.
      Find a therapist or pastor. Therapy is key. Go alone, go together – just go.
      Know that you aren’t alone. You can read stories on here from many women that have been betrayed. You are not the only person going through this. Take care.

  24. My husband cheated on me before we got married. I decided to forgive him and we went to lots of counselling together, and eventually things started to feel “ok” again. We have been together for a long time, and have been through a lot of ups & downs together.
    We only got married 7 weeks ago. 2 nights ago he left, saying he was unhappy & loves our kids (they’re my kids from a previous marriage) but doesn’t want to be with me. I found out today that he’s been messaging the same girl he had the affair with last time. Telling her she’s the only one who’s ever truly loved him etc. To me, that constitutes cheating.
    I don’t know what to do. I’m so numb, I feel like the carpet has been ripped out from under my feet. It’s like I’m just falling, drifting…
    Now what? I ask myself. Do I just get up & go to work & take the kids to school like it’s any other day? Do I try & get him to come home so we can talk about it? Do I try & forgive him again, knowing that there’s obviously something drawing him to her? Either way, I’m ashamed. I feel sick, I’m confused, I don’t know what to say to the kids.

    • I’m sorry to read your story and understand that lost feeling. I get it too – why is there this feeling of shame that the betrayed feel? I felt the same way and it’s not right.
      You need to decide what you can live with and if your husband will stop all contact with this other woman AND work with you to strengthen your relationship again. If he does everything you ask – will that be enough? You need to ask him what he wants. Does he want to be married to you or have a relationship with this woman. He cannot have both. Be clear about what you need. Be honest about how you feel.

  25. Hi. I was lying in bed last week Thursday when a powerful urge came over me to search my husband’s phone. So far we’ve been married for 3 week Wednesday makes it officially 3. I thought we were ok and making plans for our future. I saw text messages spanning from February from a woman in his management class ( he’s furthering his education) and they’ve been having an affair since then. I confronted him and he confessed and stated that they only kissed no sex…saw a message in his phone this morning from previous whatsapp sex but she sent nude pics of her breast and he said yes he has gone that far to lick her breast! I just feel so betrayed and confused! Wrecked emotionally and mentally!! I just feel like leaving and going where I dont know..just leave,. I have been an absolutely good wife I feel so devastated!!!!!!!!!!!

    • My advice would be to have an honest conversation with your husband. Plan what you need to say or ask beforehand so you can as calmly as possible approach a conversation that you don’t want to have. He may be telling you the truth about where their relationship has gone physically but if she continues to be a presence in his life then the temptation will continue. He’s seeking the rush of another woman’s attraction – and it’s addictive. He likely never intented his friendship with this woman to escalate to this level but in the moment it feels good. Now it’s time to be honest and reconnect with your husband. Marriage needs to offer the same rush, and I can tell you from my experience that it’s sometimes hard to feel it after many years together.
      Talk, listen, and try to reconnect.

  26. I found about my husbands brief affair 3 months ago. We have been together 18 years and married for 14, with two children. My husband was the most trustworthy person I knew and I have been so shocked at how easily he could fall into an affair and the steps he took to cover it up. We have started working through our issues but like you, I am struggling to understand why he did it. The most hurtful thing about all of this is that he cheated on me with an ex-girlfriend from 22 years ago, whom I thought he had stopped communicating with. Now she is harassing us with emails and we can’t seem to move on, no matter what we do to get her to leave us alone. I too have decided to give our marriage time, as I have children to consider but I have made it clear to my husband that I won’t accept being second best or go back to the marriage we had before his affair. My husband lost his father 6 months before the affair, which did contributed to him going through a major crises, that I believe made him venerable to her attention. Although I have told him it is not an excuse for the affair and he understands that. He has told me that he knows the affair was a mistake, that he regrets what he did and never really loved her. He has taken steps to cut her out of our lives, we have been going to counselling and he has agreed to do whatever it takes to try and repair our marriage. I guess only time will tell……

    • Everything takes time – it’s a blessing and a curse. So much of me just wanted to fast-forward through the healing/pain/repairing our marriage. I just wanted to get to the 2 year mark and be done. Since there’s no fast-forward button in life, breathe, take care of yourself. Talk to your husband, tell him how you feel, what you need, and want. Ask him what he needs and wants. I’m sorry that the ex will not just go away but make sure you are honest with your husband about how her behavior affects you. Communication is key. Take care. You are not alone.

  27. On Memorial Day 2015, at roughly 2:30 in the morning, I became so angry at my husband about how he’d been treating me for months that I finally did something I said I would never need to do: I grabbed his phone and went through his texts. Never did this before in 12 years, but felt a sudden desire to do so. I knew immediately something was wrong when his “swipe code” had been changed. Luckily, I still knew his back-up code. Texts came up clean after about 20 minutes of reviewing. Then I did something crazy – I hijacked his Facebook account and saw that he had been messaging a woman I didn’t know at all for the last three months or so. In fact, the most recent message was from 10:48 that very night and it read, “I’m going to bed. I love you.” I was in shock, thought there must be some mistake, I’m in the wrong account. But, no, a quick confirmation revealed my worst nightmare. Not only was my husband sleeping with his “junior high crush” but he had been telling her that he loved her – with all his heart, specifically. Getting over the sexual relationship he had with another woman, especially after being so sure he’d never be capable of cheating, was hard enough on its own. But he declared his love for this woman more times in 8 weeks than he did for me in the entire 2015 calendar year. Now, how do I get over that? I confronted my husband, promptly kicked him out of the house and proceeded to have a meltdown right there on my kitchen floor in the wee hours of Memorial Day. To this day there are so many feelings swirling throughout my body, all of which are continuously complicated by my racing thoughts and strange desire to know every detail of their encounters. My husband has been seeing a therapist in a bid to save our marriage and find out why he would cheat on the one woman he truly loves (his words). But I can’t un-see those Facebook messages and I struggle immensely to push them out of my head. We seem closer now than ever and his therapist his helping him to learn that his feelings for this other woman were far more reminiscent of infatuation than that of love. But they had a legitimate relationship: date nights, lunches at work, often getting together without engaging in any sexual activity at all. He says he enjoyed the attention, all the while he ignored me and left me to feel undesirable and unworthy. Had I only known… Within days of my meltdown we were having sex and I kick myself for letting that happen; why should he be rewarded for his betrayal? But I cannot deny that the sex is better than it’s ever been. The problem, however, is in my head – not my heart. I know I love him. But I also know I do not trust him. How do I change that? How do I move forward? More importantly, how do I decide if my marriage can be saved or if I even have the tools to save it? It’s been less than a month since my world crumbled down around my feet and I still cry every single day, often more than once. Though I try to hide my pain from my husband until I completely breakdown and lose it – usually in his presence at least once a week – I can’t help but wonder why I continue to put on the brave face and be strong for him? For me? For us? I think to myself, “Your marriage is over. You will need to start another one. But will that second marriage be with this man whom I have loved for over a decade? Or someone new? How will I ever trust anyone ever again?” The answer to these questions scare me beyond all belief. In the meantime, I have no one (repeat: NO ONE) to talk to about any of this. I’m too humiliated to share this with anyone, even my closest friends, save one. Unfortunately, my dearest childhood friend is a male and he knows what’s going on but he’s not really able to give the feedback I seem to so desperately need. I just wish I could find out right now if my marriage has a future or not. The uncertainty is killing me.

    • I can relate to so much of what you wrote. I read emails that I cannot unsee and saw those three words “I love you” typed at the end of every message. My husband had sex with his AP more during his affair than he did with me – he even rejected sex with me because anticipated sex with his AP. But I had to focus on us – our marriage. She was not a part of our marriage. His feelings for her were not based in reality and although he may have felt strongly for her during the affair – their relationship has not endured. Most of those feelings were based on the dopamine felt from her response to him. The messages were sent to get a high – a rush – to mask any hard emotions he’s was trying to hide at the time.
      Keep talking to your husband. Sex is important to reconnect with your husband if that is the direction you are going.
      There are going to be horrible days, good days, and days when you don’t want to go on. Take care of yourself, first and foremost. Know that you are not alone. I never spoke a word of my husband’s affair to anyone in my “real” life until about a year ago. I found a safe person but that also made me vulnerable. Talk to your husband about how you feel, ask him how he feels. Be honest. It’s not easy but you may find your relationship is better and stronger.

      • Thank you for your words of encouragement. Though it’s been over a month, I still feel so many emotions from despair, anger, humiliation, and utter depression – not to mention shock and blatant uncertainty about my future, our future. I can only hope that what they say is true: time heals all wounds. Until then, my husband is continuing with his therapy and we are still trying to make our marriage work. Only time will tell.

    • Sascha, the future is as strong as you, and your spouse make it. What has happened will be with you both forever. You can never, NEVER go back. Moving forward is what you two make of it. That is what all marriages are about. Moving forward and building.

      How committed are you? How committed is he?

      Therein is your answer. You have nothing to lose by staying and trying. Give time, time. Time to find out.

      • Thank you for your response. I know time is the answer but have never been the most patient person. That said, despite what I consider to be his greatest act of betrayal and total lack of respect for me and our marriage, my husband is bending over backwards trying to make it clear to me that I am his one true love. I can only hope that I have the ability to rebuild my trust for him. But I know I also do not want to get burned again, so I’m still struggling with bringing down my walls. Right now, I am still very guarded but I assume this will change as time passes and my faith in my husband returns to me. I can only be optimistic at this point. Thanks again.

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