Don’t live for the doubts, live for your love.

Around three in the morning tonight it will be a year for me since D-Day. I know tomorrow I won’t have a moment to write because we have big plans but I wanted to write something.

If anyone told me a year ago I would be happy and laughing alongside my husband, I would have believe that would be impossible. Learning to live my love and my life was an important lesson. I stopped living for doubt and that changed everything. I think we tend to make decisions we regret the most when we make them based on the doubts lingering in our minds. Case in point, my husband’s decision to engage in a relationship with Bat Shit was propelled by doubts he had about himself and then reflected onto me. Doubt shouldn’t drive you but it should make you want to find the truth.

I can’t imagine what my life would be like now if this hadn’t happened. Isn’t that strange? Would we still be in a perfectly happy marriage but relaxed about it and just okay? I have no idea. I hate that he cheated and that will never change. But I love how we dealt with this struggle. How we chose to commit to fixing our marriage. We chose to be together despite the failure and it’s made us stronger.

I recall asking my husband at some point in the past year when was the best time of his life. He answered the year our first child was born and I couldn’t help but agree. Yet, when I look back at that year I can see how much the world was against us and we could have either succeeded or failed miserably. We succeeded in spite of everything that was going on around us. We weren’t married yet, there was a month were we didn’t know where we would live and he had to find a new job while supporting his girlfriend and infant child. Looking back at everything that was going on it’s amazing to think of how nostalgic we are for that time in our life.

Someday, this past year will be like that first year we moved in together with a baby on the way. Back then we had very little to lose and everything to gain. The exact opposite of the way things were a year ago. We had everything in our lives on the line and we fought inch by inch to get to where we stand today. Will I look back in fifteen years and remember this time as something special or only recall the pain and struggle?

Take stock in where you are on this journey because you will come out on the other side a stronger and wiser person. I know this blog entry isn’t much but I promise there will be more soon.

awe

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32 thoughts on “Don’t live for the doubts, live for your love.

  1. I’m happy for you. You are a very lucky woman to be in a marriage that has only grown stronger. Have a good day tomorrow and enjoy yourself!

  2. I can honestly say that your blog alone and encouraging words have given me hope. Sometimes when I feel like giving up and doubt things will get better I re-read your experiences for help. It’s so good to know your healing from this situation and it’s possible to do it if you make that choice to. Thank you so much! It’s funny how through your pain you are able to help someone else heal. Much love all the way from Canada.
    Naj

  3. Best wishes you to! Good for you two! I too miss the days of when it was ‘us against the world.’ Those were days of deep commitment and love…. I miss feeling that secure in my relationship with my husband. Maybe one day. I am glad to hear your progressing… Big hugs.

  4. It’s a bit of a milestone yet I want my 1 yr ( will be in 8 weeks) to be a none event. I’m not sure how realistic that will be. As ever I thank you for your words. I am going through this journey with you and agree with almost everything you say and all of the emotions you feel and share.
    What has happened to me has given my life a huge shake up and my relationship with my husband is far stronger because of it. I cherish him again now and look forward to decades of doing this. Who knows what might have happened had we not had to address this. I am truly happy ( when not battling to turn off that light switch- brilliantly put by the way!) now and just cherish what I have. I am pretty sure I will have a huge hissy fit at my 1 yr point though do I do hope you got over it ok. Much love from the UK x

    • My 1 year milestone came and passed without much ado. We were busy getting ready for a big trip and with three kids there is never a dull moment. I hope you will have your none-event day because I agree–this is not a day that should remembered for the rest of our lives. In fact, I think the date will fade some day from my memory. Afterall, I can’t ever remember the day my husband proposed unless I look the day up in my journal. πŸ™‚
      I wish you all the best.

  5. I hope your day was more than fantastic. 1 year and you seem to have come so far. I am just at the beginning so I can only hope that we will make it a year. I am still working through each post and have made it through Jan. what an awesome group of women you have brought together. Cheers to you and congrats on all the hard work.

    • Hi Cheers (I like your chosen name),
      I hope that you find your way through this and become stronger each day. Somedays may feel like you take two steps forward and three steps back but by the end you will see that you’re ahead. Take what you need and feel the entirety of it all… Looking back on the past year I recall more good times than bad. Maybe that’s the magic of our memory…. maybe it’s reality. You’ll get though this too.

  6. Wow, thank you for this. My anniversary is tomorrow and I was searching the web for inspiration and stumbled upon your blog. I was feeling so annoyed at myself for allowing my head to become full of the a**e piece!! Your words have helped so, thank you πŸ™‚

    • I am glad that I could help you out. Don’t let her have any power to destroy your day (that’s what I keep telling myself). I don’t want the negativity to control my life anymore because it’s not worth it. We have to keep moving forward.

  7. It’s a bit of a milestone yet I want my 1 yr ( will be in 8 weeks) to be a none event. I’m not sure how realistic that will be. As ever I thank you for your words. I am going through this journey with you and agree with almost everything you say and all of the emotions you feel and share.
    What has happened to me has given my life a huge shake up and my relationship with my husband is far stronger because of it. I cherish him again now and look forward to decades of doing this. Who knows what might have happened had we not had to address this. I am truly happy ( when not battling to turn off that light switch- brilliantly put by the way!) now and just cherish what I have. I am pretty sure I will have a huge hissy fit at my 1 yr point though do I do hope you got over it ok. Much love from the UK x

  8. I have just come across ur blog it awesome thank u I found out five mths ago my husband cheated on me for two mths I can relate to most if not all of ur entries we are still together and working very hard on our marriage we have been together for 27years to just throw it away the affair has changed us for the better I can’t say it’s the best things that happened cause I wish it didn’t but it did I’ve learnt to communicate my needs more often instead of trying to please him and the children thank you so much for sharing I’ve looked at many blogs looking for answers and found I’m the only one who can answer the question s lol

    • I agree, I hate to say this is the best thing that ever happened to us but our marriage is better than it’s ever been. I wish this wasn’t the path that led us this way but I cannot change what happened. I can relate completely to what you said about learning to commuincate instead of just pleasing him and the kids. I feel like before the affair I was the person that put my needs aside to make everyone else happy. But I was giving and giving of myself and never replenishing my own needs. I was happy but not like I am now. Yes, I still have moments where I am upset about the affair but life is so much better now. And just learning to say little things–admit fears that seem unreasonable or sharing my frustrations–has deepened our relationship.

  9. Six months since D day. We have been in counseling together and I am seeing someone alone. My husband is doing everything right but I am so sad. My self-esteem is at an all time low. Now I am wondering if I would be happier without him.

    • Hi,
      Having moments where you breakdown and cry is normal. Going through this process really breaks you in a way that I never knew was possible. Don’t let this affect your self-esteem because this wasn’t about how you look or about you as a person. There are many betrayed spouses that feel the exact same way as you. If you feel like you can’t overcome this feeling I would talk to your therapist about it. My therapist told me that going through this is just like any other traumatic event. Reliving the details in your mind is like reliving the pain from the beginning. You can’t get better if you are constantly being thrown back into the emotion of the beginning. This information to me was like a light bulb going off. I felt like I was torturing myself and then struggling to get to the next step. Try to refocus your thoughts when they fall into the pain. Start doing things for you–what do you enjoy? Sometimes just focusing your attention on a hobby or something you’ve always wanted to do is the helpful for your mind too.

    • Hold in don’t give up.. If you feel that you put all your effort true effort in trying to move on then reconsider. Never make a decision during a storm in your life. I’m in the same boat as you and feel like I will never be good enough. It’s a lie though but a hard feeling to shake. Try and start doing things for yourself and getting out to distract you. It will take time. I hate that word but if you want it to work it’s the truth. We can’t predict the future but we do have a choice with how we chose to live it.

  10. Reblogged this on Miscarriage And The Affair – Our Road To Recovery and commented:
    At a little under 8 weeks since I became aware of my husbands affair I am really struggling on some days to not live my doubts. This post from another blogger is an important lesson and one I hope to learn soon.

    On the 27th July we had been together for 11 years and in around 10 days it will be our 7th anniversary. I am having difficultly deciding whether we have anything to celebrate any more or whether that day will forever more be a non-event. After all, the promises that we made that day and are celebrating have been broken so should we just let the day pass into history; or do we celebrate that even after what has undoubtedly been the hardest, most stressful, hurtful and emotional year of our lives we are still together?

    I really don’t know.

    • Prior to D day we had planned on having a big party for our 25th wedding anniversary. On our anniversary I had known about his affair for 2 months. We ended up having a quiet dinner, he bought me a nice gift and a sweet card. I gave him nothing because it was too difficult.

  11. I’m just 3 months from day #1 and 1 week from day #2. Your strength inspires me to know that whatever happens I WILL be ok! Thank you for all of your advice it is invaluable to me. Looking forward to your next post x

  12. I found out 7 months ago about my husband’s affair. Your story of healing sounds familiar to mine. My husband has done everything he can possibly do to make it right. I still have major moments…like tonight….and I stumbled upon your blog. Very inspiring and kind of puts me “back on track” I guess you could say in my healing journey.
    I look forward to more of your post.
    Amy

  13. I can relate so much to this post, it’s ridiculous. Especially your line about “my husband’s decision to engage in a relationship with Bat Shit was propelled by doubts he had about himself and then reflected onto me.” My husband recently came to just about that same conclusion right around our 6 month D-day “antiversary” a week ago. I feel lucky to say that I can already feel we’re emerging as a stronger, closer and more connected couple because of this…I’ve never felt more in tune with my husband as I do now, as weird as that might sound. I absolutely hate what brought us here. I still have my insecurities, my sadness and days where my anger and frustration boil over, but I’ve also discovered how strong I am. That, in and of itself, is empowering. So thank you for sharing your experiences and encouraging those of us who are a bit behind you on the same path. I hope I can do the same.

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