I can’t seem to find the right words to express where I am right now on this journey. I feel like I am in this very strange place where I am content, happy and connected with myself and my husband but yet I am disappointed that thoughts about the affair continue to enter my mind on a daily basis. Maybe I am being overzealous by thinking that I could get through a day without a thought creeping into my mind but that is what I want.
Let me hit the rewind button for a second. My husband and I went on a romantic getaway around the one year mark. To pack up and get away from all the stresses of everyday life (plus the affair crap) was wonderful. I am not sure if it was being alone together; the timing of our vacation or where we went but it was perfect. The only moments where thoughts of the affair drifted into my mind’s eye were mostly questioning why it took an affair to push us to take the vacation of our dreams. But those thoughts were fleeting and minimal.
Within twenty-four hours of returning home I had thoughts of the affair invade my mind and I became frustrated and angry that these thoughts persisted. Those words sound worse than they actually are. When I say “invade my mind” I intend that to mean I have about five minutes each day where I am triggered to think about either the betrayal or Bat Shit. It angers me because I have such a feeling of happiness and contentment in my life yet I cannot stop my mind from wandering to the affair at random moments during the day. Is this my new normal or can I overcome this phase?
Two nights ago I knew I needed to tell my husband this was bothering me. I knew he needed to know just how far I’ve come but also what I am struggling with right now. I unexpectedly wept as I told him because I feel like as much as I just want to be over this phase, I also understand there is value in my struggle. It just strikes me that I feel more connected now than ever to my husband but there is still ghosts from the affair lingering around.
My husband’s response to my emotional frustration was to both comfort me and tell me he wants to help me heal and move forward. He said he feels like I’ve helped him figure out what happened, how he fell into the infidelity trap and why he couldn’t find the courage or voice to leave Bat Shit until I discovered the affair. Now he wants to figure out how to help me get to the next phase of our healing.
I hope to hear from other women out there that have conquered these mind triggers. When I have thoughts in my mind they don’t necessarily hurt me anymore either. I would like to be free from these thoughts. I am not sure how many pages in my story have been written since D-Day but I am certain a new chapter has begun. I keep looking forward and I know now that if this is the worst of it right now, I will be okay.