A Day Without a Thought of the Affair (Please)

I can’t seem to find the right words to express where I am right now on this journey. I feel like I am in this very strange place where I am content, happy and connected with myself and my husband but yet I am disappointed that thoughts about the affair continue to enter my mind on a daily basis. Maybe I am being overzealous by thinking that I could get through a day without a thought creeping into my mind but that is what I want.

Let me hit the rewind button for a second. My husband and I went on a romantic getaway around the one year mark. To pack up and get away from all the stresses of everyday life (plus the affair crap) was wonderful. I am not sure if it was being alone together; the timing of our vacation or where we went but it was perfect. The only moments where thoughts of the affair drifted into my mind’s eye were mostly questioning why it took an affair to push us to take the vacation of our dreams. But those thoughts were fleeting and minimal.

Within twenty-four hours of returning home I had thoughts of the affair invade my mind and I became frustrated and angry that these thoughts persisted. Those words sound worse than they actually are. When I say “invade my mind” I intend that to mean I have about five minutes each day where I am triggered to think about either the betrayal or Bat Shit. It angers me because I have such a feeling of happiness and contentment in my life yet I cannot stop my mind from wandering to the affair at random moments during the day. Is this my new normal or can I overcome this phase?

Two nights ago I knew I needed to tell my husband this was bothering me. I knew he needed to know just how far I’ve come but also what I am struggling with right now. I unexpectedly wept as I told him because I feel like as much as I just want to be over this phase, I also understand there is value in my struggle. It just strikes me that I feel more connected now than ever to my husband but there is still ghosts from the affair lingering around.

My husband’s response to my emotional frustration was to both comfort me and tell me he wants to help me heal and move forward. He said he feels like I’ve helped him figure out what happened, how he fell into the infidelity trap and why he couldn’t find the courage or voice to leave Bat Shit until I discovered the affair. Now he wants to figure out how to help me get to the next phase of our healing.

I hope to hear from other women out there that have conquered these mind triggers. When I have thoughts in my mind they don’t necessarily hurt me anymore either. I would like to be free from these thoughts. I am not sure how many pages in my story have been written since D-Day but I am certain a new chapter has begun. I keep looking forward and I know now that if this is the worst of it right now, I will be okay.

peace

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74 thoughts on “A Day Without a Thought of the Affair (Please)

  1. It’s only been six mths now since I found out about my husbands affair with his work college and I wish for the same thing at some point in the day the OW pops up in my head and my councilor suction was every time I think of OW tell ur mind u don’t want to know and get the thought out of my head if that makes sence I’ve tried and it does seem to work not
    so well on those worse days 🙂 I am waiting for day where I no longer think about the OW on a daily basis I have come along way with my husband and hope. Contunie to do so 🙂

    • Hi Stacy, I am at the same point as you. Does your husband still work with the other woman? Mine does and it is driving me crazy. I am to the point where I would rather divorce than continue with this insanity.

      • hi Jenna he doesn’t anymore she got let go which was a reflief for me he didn’t tell me for awhile that he still worked with her it’s a hard road I’m still at the point where I get upset about it and the ow was messaging me with nasty things which didn’t help she was treating me like the ow I have chosen to stay with my hubby we have been together for 27years to long to throw away on a mistake I was in shock I think because he never looked at another woman or even said anything about other woman I wish u all the best Jenna 🙂

      • Jena, my husband and OW worked together. After D-Day, I went crazy every day. Even had a panic attack. I thought it was understood by all that they should both be looking for other work, but she put her foot down and refused. When he finally got a good job offer (which meant she lost her job also), I said to take it, or I couldn’t stay in the marriage with them working together every day and a lot of work travel coming up soon. I had talked to my counselor about this….saying I didn’t want to put down a threat or ultimatum. She said it’s not, it’s a boundary – that I wasn’t willing to live with them working together and eventually traveling for work together again. Every case is different, but I so feel your pain right now. It is TORTURE.

      • You are wrong, you should put done a threat and ultimatum! He needs to find a new job. Don’t be nice, don’t put up with it, and find a kick ass tough counselor, don’t be nice. If he can’t comply, you are better off yourself. I am by myself now…not overly happy yet, but less stressed and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

    • I found out about my husbands affair 1 year and 3 months ago. I was devasted, just like the rest of you. It is a feeling that cannot be described, the pain, the anger and the feeling of complete disorientation that would not go away.
      I wish I could say I no longer think of “whatsherbucket” but I do. I know that she is no longer a threat to me or my marriage but I cannot help but want to know what she is doing. She still works with my husband, though they do not talk to each other unless they have to. I guess the feeling that she snuck up on me once is still too great that I want to have her in my line of sight now so she can never do it again.
      I am heled by reading your stories. Thank you for posting.

      • Hi Ella,

        I hope you continue to heal and move forward. A few weeks ago I really let my curiosity of my husband’s AP get to me and I googled her, looked at her Pintrest account, work, etc. I realized I was looking for something that may or may not be there–but whatever I was looking for was fueling some anger and pain inside me. So I am done. I guess it’s easier to let that go because she no longer works or has any contact with my husband. But I don’t even have “imaginary” conversations with her in my head anymore. I don’t have to like her and I don’t have to forgive her. I am working on the pain left from my husband now. All this is hard work… right? Sometimes I wonder what I could be accomplishing if this never happened. Or maybe I can do more because of it.

  2. im pretty sure the trick is to accept that the thoughts may always be there, rather than fight them or get annoyed about them…
    theres some amygdala research that tells us traumatic memories and feelings are held in that part of brain as proteins, and it can, well, be dissolved…

    like leaving the lid off a coke bottle until it goes flat? or water evaporating… ? except it has to go through the front part of your brain first…

    im not saying the thoughts will go away forever and not come back… but you can control how much they bother you. you know already that it gets easier, youve come a long way since d-day and worked through the hardest things… there are just a few bits and pieces left over to get rid of. and you know you can because you already have 😀 breathe em out! *hugs*

  3. I think I am over jealousy, the ow is a hard calculating amoral fool. Now she is less but what they did seems more. How far from what I thought he was is more. So now, I watch how much can he change to become a real person. The beginning of our marriage was wild sexy fun. Then kids. Fun but tiring. Was he jealous and left out, yes. Then middle age hit him hard, zilch self esteem, prostate operation finished him off. So then affair… Couldn’t face me anymore, guilt, eating him up. He wants pitifully to be home again. So we have our honeymoon, learn fun sex as our original version was simply quick and wonderful- he wanted more pathos. I’m trying. But all along the clanking baggage of the ow irritates me even now. Before it sent me into terrifying rages breaking up the house. ; always because of the fact he distracted himself at the cost of the marriage being patched up. So blame from ow back to him. Is this the next step? Maybe. Change or leave. 9 month honeymoon has been thrilling. Is he any less selfish and distant. A little. Is the other woman perceived differently, very much so. Has it helped, very much so. I know a lot about her, how this happened. She was some fool to think he would leave. Can’t say I am sorry for her but I do see how stupid and desperate she was. That helps me. Now the triggers form a grey vision of a bitter woman that threw away her fading youth in an attempt to poach my husband. The triggers change to electric shocks of time wasted even now with being absorbed by this. But if he can be a less sneaky fearful person, it might have been worth it. I feel the triggers fading rapidly but being replaced by something else. I suspect the rage at the ow made the pain and blame at my husband lift enough to process and carry on, trying for the truer solution, so the trigger is like bitting a bullet and carrying on, temporarily relieving the pressure to blame only him.. The more work you do on helping changing the relationship -and here you can go all out with nothing to lose–the more irrelevant the ow and less potent the triggers. Now I’m more concerned with the truth about how he feels about me. She is still associated with the office, I can only hope she feels the redundant idiot fantasy twit she was. I wonder if I will forget, I do think it is possible. I forgive her the way you forgive a dog that bites you or a horse that inadvertently kills your friend. Dumb beast. I wouldn’t trust her. They were pathetic. But to progress past that he needs to prove I am what he wants ( maybe he doesn’t) he needs to be tons less introspective and Walter Mitty ( maybe he doesn’t want to) it’s very much up to him now to change how he relates to me. But first I had to spend stroke inducing levels of rage at ow to even make him understand what the two of them had done to everyone , my family and me, and themselves, including her family. Fantasy land ijits.
    So the ow triggers have faded. When I see her in my mind she is a pathetic gray figure. She will vanish.
    Now we rebuild, starting where we were interrupted by the vanity coward solution, an affair., a secret life.
    And if any ows land on this page, take note of how utterly, wantonly and destructively foolish it is to everyone, including yourself, to say yes to a married man.

  4. Ps, oh dear, not so sure I answered anything! Sorry, don’t hesitate to set me straight……..
    One day without affair thought? Well, maybe a few even, but not one without hard thought about the relationship’s concrete improvement. As in, I promise myself to live this day as positively as I can, to find the love and squeeze it for what I can, every drop. So maybe that’s a no. (?)We live on two continents for health and financial reasons . The distance helps me think, but sometimes negatively as I make up things to worry about. When together we only have time to be positive, hoping to store up enough goodwill for the separation.
    We are both trying, he has a huge long way to go to be open and connected. So in a way, the affair is a ghastly accident becoming less important; the future is odd. Nothing to lose, can we make it wonderful? Not about “the ” affair, more about can some one that made that mistake find truth and honour.

    • Think I lost my original response ! I said the ow had become a grey shadow, that I think the ow triggers help take the heat off the husband and allow a bit of necessary processing to happen and the rage about the triggers let him understand what a outrageous dreadful thing those two did to all of us, my family hers etc. what fools. Anyway needed to be said and understood by all. I wish you, and all strength. Happiness is out there.beginning to think it is a choice

    • Thanks for your thoughts Robin. I think you make a point of how a human can make such a horrid mistake and work to regain their honor. I feel like we have more than we did before the affair in the depth of our relationship but the cost to get here was great. But I like what you said, we have nothing to lose, let’s make this wonderful.

      • This is all new to me, I just found out one month ago after 25 years that my husband has lead a double life and has been with many many women, that I am trying not to think about but it is impossible right now. He has made a horrid mistake and has told me everything and of course I wanted every detail. I didn’t understand still don’t, but he is getting help and I hope that helps him be a whole and honest person with me and maybe understand what love really means. I don’t want to bring this up everyday of our life, but my mind just won’t shut off, more and more questions. I was determined this week end not to bring it up and try and have a normal week end, not sure what normal is anymore…..but you know what I mean. The triggers happen, you just can’t help it, it is so frustrating but I worked through them and talked with my husband. Not sure if we will make it, but I am trying and so is he. I know things, especially communication is very important. I have a long way to go but am hopeful…….

      • I think I spent the first four months after my D-Day firing questions at my husband. Sometimes I would be determined to spend his days off at home with the family without talking about the affair. But sometimes I found bottling myself up only caused me to explode on another day. Now we have many days where we don’t need to discuss the affair and I don’t feel like I need to say anything. And sometimes not every discussion is difficult. Sometimes they are just talking about what we’ve learned. But in the beginning it is so much harder to turn it off because the shock of it all is hard to absorb. Keep talking but you are right–there should be some days when you don’t need to bring it up. Some couples establish days of the week or a time to discuss each night. Figure out what works for you and your husband. I wish you all the best.

  5. I know exactly what you mean and it used to drive me crazy too. It will go away! I’m not saying you will never think about it again, but before too long it won’t be part of your daily thoughts if your husband continues to be loving and supportive. At least that is what happened to me!! (Hugs)

  6. I really admire you for continuing to work through the thoughts of Bat Shit and your husband. I don’t know if you two have children or if you have a job. I have both and, while I did try, for me it was unbearable; I couldn’t function on my job the thoughts–even with therapy and seemingly being at peace and calm–I couldn’t manage it all. The thoughts for me didn’t go away. They were interfering with my ability to do my job and take care of our daughter while my exhusband was still traveling for his job M-F.

    I like kali4ever’s note: the thoughts will eventually not be a daily thought. That just wasn’t the case for me until I moved on.
    I know I made the right choice. My ex-husband and I are still friends and support each other as such. We acknowledge what has happened and it was me making the choice to end our marriage that the thoughts of the other women finally left me. I think about them from time to time but it no longer plagues my relationship with my ex-husband. I see him for what he is : a good man who made poor choices who is worthy of my friendship and co-parenting relationship. That’s it.

    Perhaps your therapist can help you with some exercises to help with the bad thoughts. You are clearly devoted to saving your marriage and working through it. My mother-in-law survived adultery by doing things for herself and she and my father in law took lots of trips together as well as took classes for enrichment together: photography, cooking. She said doing those things together really helped them identify what they needed from each other and why the infidelity happened so as not to allow it the chance to creep in a second time.

    Good luck with your journey and I will continue to send you positive thoughts and strength to get through those dark days.
    Sincerely,
    Rebecca in NC

  7. Hey there. Your post seems so familiar to my own feelings and thoughts. Thank you for sharing your struggles as well as your amazing accomplishment of moving forward with your marriage. I am 8 months out from my D-day. I know about these ghosts that linger. It is so difficult to fight. If I may, I would suggest that when those thoughts of batshit and the affair come into your mind, recognize it, take a deep breath and imagine opening a gate, and releasing it from your mind. I think of it every day, many times a day. Know you are not alone, my friend. We are warriors.

  8. Sounds like I could have written this. How long has it been since you found out? For me is been two years, but my husband “tries not to think about it” and wonders why in my over it yet. I told him I’ll never be over it, I can only get through it. He’s been great but, helping in my healing not so much. Thanks for this blog, helps to know we’re not alone.

    • Hi Kris,
      It’s been a little over a year now. I feel the same way–my husband has been great and we are better now than ever before. I believe I need some closure though to let go of the mind triggers. It’s not like I am overcome with pain by them but it just bothers me to have a momentary thought of her/the betrayal/whatever. I hope we get to the other side soon. 🙂

  9. Our situations are extremely similar. It’s been over a year now since my husband came clean of his year and a half affair. After I discovered some emails, he immediately broke off relationship with the ow, and has been doing everything to make it up to me since then. We have been working hard on our relationship, going to counseling every week, and spending lots of time together. Yet I still struggle with triggers. It’s been almost 14 months since my D-Day and triggers still come and knock me on my ass. Not a day goes by that I do not think about the affair. I also thought that I would be a little farther along in my healing process by now. What I have found that does help is when the thoughts come at me, if I distract myself by thinking about something else, anything else I can stop myself from going to the dark place. I don’t know about you, but if I let the thoughts take over I get stuck there and it effects all aspects of my day. I try to replace the thoughts about the affair with thoughts about what he is doing now and what the future can look like if I can truly get past the pain of his betrayal. Also, I try to avoid things that I know will trigger me. Certain songs, cucumbers wrapped in plastic (don’t ask 🙂 ), phone bills, etc. I am starting to accept that the triggers are going to happen. For how long? I don’t know. I am finding the power to control them and not let them control me. I truly appreciate you and your blog. It has been a life line for me and has helped me so much in this process of healing and becoming whole again.

    • Thank you for sharing. Yes, I’ve mastered distracting my mind from the triggers and I do not fall into the traps they could create but I stil want freedom from the affair. I wonder how we can be so happy and so much stronger yet I still have thoughts creep into my mind (even if just for a few seconds). Hopefully, this too shall pass.

  10. Well, be happy at least you are still with your husband, mine is gone. After trying for nine month…he was’t trying, I told him we either had to go to marriage counseling or he had to leave, he left, he’s with her now, it was an emotional affair. It’s not easy but at least I know I’ll get over this someday, I think I can faintly see the light at the end of the tunnel.

  11. I feel as if I am reading my own story and my own words when I read your blog. It’s been 10 months since I learned of my husband’s year long affair. Devastated does not begin to describe how I felt. We have decided to try to make our marriage work after a recent 3 month separation. My husband feel in love with his AP and has since realized how wrong and selfish his actions were. His therapy has really helped him realze many things about himself. I see a tremendous change in him. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of the AP or all of the emails/letters he wrote to her. Ironically we have grown closer because of his affair. Never thought that could be possible. We have been married 18 years with two beautiful daughters. I have forgiven him but am still working through forgetting. I don’t know that any of us will ever forget. I only hope someday we all find our own peace and know we are beautiful women who deserve to be loved and treasured by our husbands. Thank you for your blog and sharing your experience with us. It has helped me tremendously since discovering it a couple of months ago.

    • Thank you for writing. It is true how strange it is to feel like our marriages are better than ever before. I never imagined this would be my path in life or that my husband would betray me–but we will be stronger for this. Good luck, I hope you continue to grow stronger each day too.

  12. Have you heard of Louise Hay?
    Here are some of her healing affirmations that I use:

    It is only a thought, and a thought can be changed.
    The thoughts I choose to think and believe right now are creating my future. These thoughts form my experiences tomorrow, next week and next year.

    I release the past with ease, and I trust the process of life.
    I do not use yesterday’s mental garbage to create tomorrow’s experiences. I create fresh thoughts and a fresh new life.

    All of my relationships are enveloped in a circle of love.
    We are all students and teachers. I often ask myself, “What did I come here to learn, and what did I come to teach?”

    These are from Louise L. Hay’s Wisdom Cards (Amazon)

    Blessings, many blessings to you.

  13. I understand this completely. I just tell myself that most women or men would have fell to pieces, I did not we did not. So I’ll deal with those fluttering thoughts here and there, once or twice a day. I actually have learned to smile at them which minimizes there impact. The old saying, shit happens, pops into my head. That dirty young underdeveloped uneducated cadaver and my husbands, at the moment, warped mind doesn’t deserve anymore than the thought of “what the f was he thinking” or “how the heck does he handle knowing he went sooo low”. Then I take the power back. Remember, he chose to head to BatShit, that’s not about you. His deal. And BatShit is useless so that’s get deal. You, your the only one in the situation with character and sense. Life is not as clean cut as people and our own set of unrealistic values want them to be. It will always be there, it’s how we stare at those thoughts and smile. I’ve spoken to men whose wives have done this, still married, happier than ever but still have their thoughts after 5 or 6 years. They are just fleeting thoughts, powerless. God Bless!

  14. I have been following your blog for a few months now and I can’t tell you how much it has helped me. I have so many thoughts rambling around in my head and when I read your blog it helps me to make sense of what I’m thinking. It’s been 1 year and 1 month since my d-day and as you know it’s been a long journey that is still not over. My husband and I are doing great and are truly closer than we have ever been (which I thought was never possible – but am really amazed at how much more capacity we have to love each other and that we don’t recognize it until something like this happens) Even though we are in a good place, I too think of it everyday. I am trying to get past it but it’s just still “there”. I try to remind myself that life is short and I want to cherish our new love and life and giving her even a second of that is taking away from us. I try to not to give her that power. Its really hard but it is getting a little better.

  15. YOU are me…I am eight months out…I like that you talked to him..I debate this as I wonder if it only KEEPS it ALIVE or HELPS me MOVE on…..it is always an inner struggle for me…I have feeling ALL OVER the place….it is a process as you say….it DOES get less and less intense but like you I DO think about it off and on still ALL DAY to varying emotional destress…we are SOOOO STRONG…right?

    • Sometimes I wonder if telling my husband what is bothering me will also put those triggers in his head. It silly that I even think about it. I have chosen to always be honest with him. I cannot hide my emotions from him anymore.

      • I agree with your counselor. In the beginning it may feel like you are burdening him with your pain or fears. But when I look back at the time period my husband was cheating I knew something was wrong with him for a long time. I kept my fears and sadness to myself. I ignored my own conscience and that allowed the affair to continue. Being honest about your emotions opens up communication. It’s not pointing a finger at your husband–but saying: “I need your help.” Remember, that many times men involve themselves with their affair partners because the APs make them feel like a hero. When my husband can comfort me and help me heal he is truly my hero–no falsehood here. Try to be vulnerable and know this will help.

  16. I just had this conversation with JR last night. It’s been 3 years and I still think about it/them on a daily basis. I so want to be free of this but I fear that I may never be. JR says that he is the constant reminder…and he’s right. I don’t know if I will ever look at him again without thinking about what he did to me, what he did to us. I know I love him, but it doesn’t take away the bad thoughts. I know he loves me, but that doesn’t ease the pain I feel. I can still be reduced to a sobbing mess at any given moment if the wrong thought enters my mind. He admits that he thinks of the wrongs he did on a daily basis as well, the pain he caused. I am a constant reminder to him, when he sees me, he sees hurt. I would do anything for us to move beyond this, but I have no clue how to do that. I don’t believe we will ever truly be as happy as we once were, it just seems impossible, and I don’t know if I can live this way forever. I’m not sure either one of us can.

    • I feel the same way and I hate it. My husband is the biggest trigger to my pain. Some days I think if we were apart and i didn’t have to see him every day, I could actually heal from this. But when we are apart my thoughts go crazy too. Just so tired of dealing with this.

    • Hi Kayboo.
      I think that is the fear deep inside me (and probably all of us) that if we have to live every day with these thoughts (even if they are only momentary) then how can we live like this forever. Each thought is associated with hurt, pain and hate still. I going to try to start doing some daily affirmations and focus on redirecting my thoughts again. One reader says when thoughts of the AP enter her brain she smiles or laughs–maybe that’s what I need to do too.

      • Hurt, pain, and hate…..I know.
        I’m finding concentrating on why I feel this way helps. Hurt and pain are easy to understand, the hate really worries me. I suspect I want to make it clear to him why it happened for fear it could again. I want them both to see as clearly as I do that they were out of line, hurt other
        people, and all over a fantasy they made up and then believed. This isn’t revenge or hate, it is trying to find the reality and assuage the fear that they could hurt me again.
        The side benefit is I am learning about myself and realise the attributes I am imagining she has….and they are in my imagination…are ones I want for myself and can achieve.
        And it is utterly true he actually was a hero to her, and now, as you say, he has the opportunity to do the same for me. I have become vulnerable and open about my emotions. something I have never been. A very hard lesson.
        Thank you for this blog, it really helps to hear everyone’s voice. Thiswillnotdefineus has such reasonable insights. Ps. I drew a picture of them that makes me laugh……I am sane, really.

  17. Today has been as hard as the first days…I am at 9 months. I still panic when I call my husband and it goes to voicemail. He thinks he is doing everything right now so I should be over it. Some days we are so close and then in the blink of an eye he is angry and I am crying. I feel so lost and broken today. Thankful for your blog so I know I am not alone.

    • I understand the anxiety about calling and getting the voicemail. I went through that phase too. At one point my husband told me that it’s because there isn’t enough trust yet. I tried to deny it but it’s true. Rebuilding trust is very difficult but I still believe it’s possible.

  18. When the negative thoughts come into my head I allow myself to feel sad for a few moments. We have endured a horrible betrayal that is like a death. Sometimes we need to mourn and then move on.

  19. I can relate to every story, so thankful to find this blog. I am at the 6 month of my separation, if you can call it a separation. I see my husband more than I did when he lived with us. We are both trying very hard to put the pieces back and in some ways we are stronger as a couple. That is until something triggers a bad thought that leads to a bad day for me. I don’t tell my husband most of the time, I try to focus on happy thoughts. He is being wonderful and is ashamed of what he did to our family( we have two teenagers but didn’t tell them why we separated). I am so tired of the ups and downs. Just want the constant thoughts to stop. I don’t want to give up on a 27 year marriage but feel like throwing in the towel may be the best for both of us. I’m just so confused!

    • I think this entire thing is confusing for all of us. There have been days I feel amazing and like–“who the heck cares because our relationship is stronger” and then there are moments when I think he broke something vital within our marriage. But I try to move on from those thoughts of despair. If I only believe my worst thoughts then I never would have accomplished half the things I’ve done in my life. So I choose to believe it’s possible to recover and move past the pain. It’s possible to only feel happy. It’s hard….But we just keep going every day, right? I wish you all the best. 27 years is amazing–don’t let go of all the good things in your husband that you first fell in love with many years ago. Perfection is overated.

  20. Hi, I am 3 years and 4 months from d day. Most days I think about the affair. I also think about the bad behaviour my husband had for many years prior to the affair that made my self esteem so low. He was drinking heavily for many years, and disengaged. Put many things a head of me and did not validate my feelings. I have only now come to the realisation that he was like that. I have tried to work through some of these issues with a counsellor. He has also worked through his addiction to alcohol.but his mother and the way she treats me and his acceptance of this has always been a sore point. I have not felt important to him like a wife should. I struggle with this and the aftermath of the affair. We did separate for three months but due to circumstances with our daughter at the time he moved back in. I have many sleepiness nights, I know that I need to spend time on myself. I use to do everything for my husband and the family and know now I need to step back. Problem is I want to go on a holiday or I need to pay that bill as he just doesn’t do it. He talks about doing things but never comes goo with the actions. In the long run I still don’t know whether to stay or go!

  21. Strong woman, I just read an amazing book “What to do when he says I don’t love you anymore” by David Clark. It’s a take no bullshit approach! tell the kids what happened, they are part of the family, why keep secrets. There are a lot of books out there to read, just google “should I stay or should I go”. Keep reading, get help, don’t suffer.

  22. Thank you for your blog. It is very similar to my experience and very helpful. I’m about three months in and talk about your roller coaster. Things change from one day to the next. At this point we are working on things but I’ve basically abandoned any hopes of a “traditional” marriage. Perhaps because my husband travels for work but even without that I don’t think I can bare setting myself up to be hurt like this again. I’m not willing to leave but no matter how hard he wants to commit and promise, accepting his promises are impossible and ultimately causing me the most stress. My approach at this point is to enjoy the time we have together when I can, accept when I can’t and take it day by day. I’m not going to have him commit a start over based on guilt, or because now he knows he’ll get caught and wants to “walk the line”. I have no doubt that I am the love of his life. So if that’s the case and he still did it…why am I gonna spend the best years of my life trying to control him? Im not checking his phone record or bank accounts I actually forced him to change his passwords and not give them to me. I know it’s the opposite advice given but I was obsessed and it was b.s. I’m not giving him a free pass or even suggesting open marriage. I’m only being realistic about my control over another person. Even if he is the man I’m in love with. I’m accepting what he is capable of and evaluating what I’m willing to live with on a daily basis. What I can’t live with is trusting that he will never hurt me again. The impact was/is so severe I just can’t bare the possibility of reliving it. It’s easier for me at this point to assume that it could absolutely happen again and then I’m in it at my own risk and on my own terms. Even If they are still being figured out. Sorry for the long post. For anyone just finding out… Strap on your seat belt your about to learn a lot about yourself and get some new perspectives. It will change day to day sometimes hour to hour. You will survive even though you’d swear you couldn’t.

  23. It’s been 8 months for me since D-Day. And it’s my constant prayer to let a day by without thinking about it, but I’m finding it hard to do despite the assurance and comfort from my husband. He wants us to move on and I’ve never been more in love with him, but just the same every day I feel my loathing for that ‘creature (whom I refuse to call woman/bitch, because it’s not human)’ grow every day. I just want to make that creature life doubly miserable and painful than I had to deal with, yet I read somewhere when ‘you’ve forgiven those who hurt you, then you’ve taken their power over you.’
    Reading your blog entries ring so true to what I’m going through right now. I never even thought my husband is capable of hurting me. He has shown such steadfast dedication to me and our son for nine years…right now I’m in so much pain and hate that I don’t know who else to turn to…I don’t want to keep rubbing it in my husband’s face of what he’d done wrong, but at the same time he’s the only one I can share my feelings regarding this.
    You’re right ‘you choose your own happiness,’ I want to, but those images burned in my mind get in the way–even during our intimate time. I want to forget so bad everything I’ve read and seen. I want to trust him fully again without getting paranoid over every text or phone call.
    Anyway, thank you for your blog and stay strong. God bless. —

    • Hi,
      I haven’t really had a day when I don’t think about the affair or Bat Shit. It’s not like it always hurts but it’s there. I feel like some of it I’ve become numb to because not much is new. I know everything I need to know and the facts are not going to change. It’s just living with the truth. Knowing that love won’t always protect me or keep me safe. Knowing that good people do terrible things. I still hope for a future where I don’t think about it but as time goes on I am wondering if it’s really possible. How can I hear her name and not be reminded? I still share everything with my husband. Not every thought at each moment it comes in but I know when it’s okay to talk. Sometimes it comes out the wrong way but we are so much closer because we talk about everything together.

    • I’m in exact same place 11 months on Matilda. Can’t turn to anyone else-don’t want friends to judge him and don’t want my amazing grown up daughters (his stepdaughters who love him as much (in some ways more) than their dad) to have to deal with the pain this would cause them. 20 years together now blighted by this. Hate the evil intent I feel towards the screwed up girl (10 years younger than my daughters) he had a relationship with through trying to help her.
      I understand why it happened, we want to be together and he’s doing everything right. The pain just weighs so heavily.

  24. This is exactly where I am right now! I commented yesterday stating it’s been 8 months. I am dreading the year mark. I cried just reading this. The day or “she” pop into my mind all the time. Come August I’m going to be a wreck.

  25. 16 months since D-Day. Thanks to individual and a strong marriage counselor the marriage is great. My husband has turned himself inside out to change and he has. Of course there are still triggers. For my birthday he gave me a zip up jacket. Every picture that I have seen of the OW she has this style on. I wonder if he bought it for her. Will these triggers every go away? They are definitely fewer. Sigh…

  26. This is my first time writing although I’ve followed your blog for quite some time now. First off, let me say thank you for writing such an honest and wonderfully written blog. I admire your courage and feel like your blog has truly helped in my healing process. Not unlike many others who follow you, I feel like you capture my own thoughts and feelings so perfectly in your writing and it helps tremendously to know that I am not alone. I am almost at the one year mark and I still struggle daily with thoughts of the affair. Our story is similar to yours. We have found a new strength in our marriage and I feel safer and more loved than ever before but that doesn’t stop the thoughts from entering my mind. The thoughts may only be for a few minutes and they may not be as painful as they once were but I hate that they are still there. I feel like getting through an entire day with not one thought of the affair is nearly impossible. Let me ask you, now that you are past the two year mark, how often do thoughts of the affair cross your mind? I would appreciate any thoughts you have on the subject. 

    • I’m sorry I am just reading your comment. My days have been busy and I now have time to be here.

      I honestly don’t know that I’ve gotten through a day without thinking of the affair. Being here on my blog is a reminder, driving through town and seeing a sign with her name is a reminder. I guess it’s part of my story now. But I don’t always notice the reminders. I can be here on my blog and know that I am here because I shared my story and my feelings about my husband’s affair but it’s not the same pain or hurt anymore. It’s just part of me. It’s strange evolution. I’ve found that distractions work until they don’t. It’s kind of like the death of someone important in your life. You think of them and someone may say something to remind you of your grandmother but it’s not always sadness you feel. It’s not the greatest comparison but I hope it helps.

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