Peace of Mind After the Affair

Live in joy, in peace, even among those who hate.

-Buddha

A few months ago I gave my husband a gift of fortunes. Every week or so he picks one out and places it out on my bedside table. The other day I noticed he had chosen a new “fortune” and the quote from Buddha (above) was resting there for me to read. I am not sure how he picked it or if he knew this was the comfort I needed. Sometimes, the significance of a small gesture cannot be measured.

Much of my healing from my husband’s infidelity is dealing with hate. I felt so much hate for what happened, for my husband’s actions, for his AP and her egocentric agenda. I think I spent the first forty-eight hours after my discovery screaming that I hated my husband. I would drive in my car alone and scream at the top of my lungs while tears ran down my cheeks. It was my first reaction but it didn’t last long. In our first couple’s counseling session I told our therapist that I hated what my husband did but I did not hate him. My husband hated himself at that time and couldn’t understand how or why I did not hate him. The hate shifted through the year and then dwindled, although I knew an element of hate for Bat Shit had lingered inside me.

Betrayal breeds hate. Even a year later, there is so much that I have made peace with but I haven’t been able to abandon my hatred of Bat Shit. Possibly because I haven’t been able to get closure with her—really give her a piece of my mind. I have so many imaginary conversations in my mind where I tell Bat Shit everything stored up in my brain. In reality, I know speaking to her would be a waste of my breath but I often forget that she doesn’t have the same set of emotions or the conscience of a healthy-minded human. Also, I am just not a mean person. As much as I think there would be some satisfaction in being able to hurt Bat Shit with my words, I am choosing to walk away with my head held high. I won’t lower myself to her level.

The hatred I first felt was born from my pain. Just like a wound that scabs over, my pain has been healing and the scab is barely visible now. Sometimes I forget the wound is even there. Instead of reopening the wound I need to move forward.  I need to accept that there is hatred in the world and choose not to be brought down by it. I will protect myself and my children from the hatred.

I realize that I was blissfully unaware of the hatred that existed around me before the affair. I could only see what was in my life. I couldn’t imagine that anyone would ever disrupt my joy or happiness. I forgot that evil exists in this world. I forgot that wolves often dress in sheep’s clothing. I forgot that my husband exists separately from me. He can succeed or fail of his own accord. As the U2 lyric states: We are one but we are not the same. Each of us possess the power to f*!$ up. It’s up to those who love us to determine if they can forgive, heal and move on if we do screw up.

I’ve entered into that moving on stage. Part of moving on for me will be accepting my hatred of Bat Shit but not allowing that hatred to penetrate the rest of my life. About ten years ago I had to let go of a friend because she was mean (for lack of a better word). She used to put me down to make herself feel better. For years I allowed her to say nasty things to me because I felt bad for her. She was the type of friend you were never sure what you were going to do that might piss her off. My point is, there was hatred that exuded from this friend and whether I saw it or not, it was having a negative effect on me. Our friendship ended silently. There was no fight, no discussion. Nothing happened, it just ended and we went our separate ways. It was a relief when things ended because she had been slowly stealing from my happiness. I look at Bat Shit very similarly. My husband said he was relieved when I found out about the affair. Bat Shit was a predator of his (and our) happiness. I get it now. There are just some people out there in the world that have the power to suck the life out of you. I have been allowing Bat Shit to prey on my happiness by preserving this hatred. I am cutting the cord. I am releasing my hatred and anger and sending it back to her. I am not going to Google her name or care about what she is doing. I am done caring and wasting my energy on her. She has no power over me now.

My life needs to be focused on all that is good and brings me joy. This is where I will find peace. (Again.)

Buddha-quote-peace-comes-from-within-

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40 thoughts on “Peace of Mind After the Affair

  1. I try very hard not to hate, I believe as well that it just weighs us down, keeps us from living happily, to our fullest. I admit through all my life’s struggles I have felt hate at times, but I can’t say I’ve ever really hated any one person. Well there is one, It’s as close to hate as one can get, He’s in my blog. But even through this past summer with all my H’s affairs, I do not hate him, or them, though 1 in particular, I am finding it very difficult not to, however I think I can honestly say I still do not hate her, as much as some would. Sometimes I find it odd, others may find it odd, but none of us ARE the same, and as stated above, we can all F^@& it up. I am very forgiving. Sometimes that in itself makes me angry, but then I kick myself and ask the point of hatred? There is none. Continue to find the good and joy in your life, it will bring you peace. I love this post, I will remind myself of it as I continue to write, Thank you.

    • Thanks. Everything is always a work in progress for me. After I wrote this I had to remind myself a few times to stop focusing on HER and just let it go. I need to focus on what matters and quite frankly, she doesn’t.

    • hi there… ot’s been 2yrs and I can’t seem to let go… I hate this woman and somedays my husband. He is just to blame. things have been amazing with him this past year but for some reason i have let her take over my life… will ot ever stop??

      • Hi DanieGirl
        You are not alone in dealing with the anger. I found out a year ago after 20 yrs of marriage. I am the devoted wife but it didn’t matter.
        My husband’s problem was whores so I would have to be angry at a lot of them. Take your life back. Pray for God to restore your peace of mind. She is just not worth you losing another second of your life. Don’t nurse your pain. Let God deal with their sins. They don’t have peace.

      • Thank you for your kind words. Easier than said then done. It wasn’t physical from what I’m been told but emotional. She has lost a lot of weight and now feel not pretty enough. Haven’t heard from her in almost a year but I can’t let go. I know where she works where she lives… try to follow on social media. I make myself sick… how does one ever forget …. I just can’t. I just really can’t. I pray and beg God but I guess it’s not my time

    • I was just telling another blogger that it’s a work in progress. I don’t know that I will ever not “hate” her but I don’t need to expel any more energy hating her. There is no way I could have felt this way a few months ago… You’ll get there. 🙂

  2. Whenever you write it’s like a mirror I’m looking into. I see myself in you. I however I am only 5 months into my d day. When I read about the closure you want from bat shit, I don’t know if that’s a good thing. The only reason why I say this is because i talked to my bat shit lol and it wasn’t good. I wish I never spoke with her or knew what she even sounded or looked like. She added me on Instagram to see what I looked like too. At first I wanted to hear her side, then later I thought it was all my husband until she fully told me that once she knew he was arises she didn’t care. She continued to tell me things so that I would hate my husband more. All of the things she said my husband said he didn’t even say those things it was her way To get under my skin so I would let him go. He left us. For this bat shit but came back a week later. When that happened she proceeded to text me and it got really nasty. Texting me until 4 am. But I now realize that she was trying to hurt me because she didn’t end up getting what she wanted and he came back to his family of 6. The worst part is that when I think of her or see someone that looks like her I hear her words echoing in my head. All her banter and snide remarks. Telling me my marriage has problems way before I got into the picture. Saying all these negative things to me because he chose to come back home. Apparently she has a Temper. It’s so good that you didn’t speak to this women. I thought I was the only one to google and see what she is doin. I just hate the fact that she moves on with her life while I’m covered in her and my husbands mess. He gets to be home with his wife and kids and new career while shes probably still out home wreacking. And I’m here on a emotional roller coaster. But my first day Marriage counseling is tomorrow. So we shall see.
    With love
    Naj. Keep strong!!!

    • It took me a long time to realize that if I ever did reach out to Bat Shit she would use that against me. She already had tried to manipulate me through our two email interactions when I first discovered the affair and called her out on it. But I shut her down and told her never to contact me again. My husband (thankfully) sees that Bat Shit truly is crazy. But it wasn’t until last week that I realized that she was probably still trying to screw with my mind through Pinterest or whatever else she could. Even if she doesn’t give a shit about me–I am looking so my mentality is that there is an agenda (even if there isn’t). So I was just hurting myself by looking at anything about her online. So I am giving it up.
      I am so glad you are beginning counselling. That is a huge step forward. Take care!

  3. Thank you for having the courage to write this blog.

    I’m not able to sleep, at this moment, because I’m thinking about WhoreFace & my very own husbands 6 year affair after 17 years of marriage.

    I know what you write is true & I find much comfort in your words. It is time to stop allowing my energies from leaking into the negative abyss. It is time to inhale deeply & let go of all of it.

    Funny, I heard U2’s One song yesterday & I just googled info on WFace. Your entry & my insomnia is timely.

    Thank you for your cosmic connection.

    • Thank you. I know it will be a work in progress to let go of this “curiosity” and need to hate Bat Shit. But I am hoping that when I start thinking about her or having imaginary conversations in my head I can learn to stop them. The more I tell my brain to stop–the better off I will be. Positive energy… Like you said, inhale and let it go. These woman are predators but they aren’t going to take our lives.

  4. For the past two sleepless nights I’ve written and re-written my letter to her with my piece of mind. And I have been milliseconds away from pressing send. For the third time now I’ve allowed my husband to deceive me and carry on with her behind my back and I’m tired sitting here silenced and not fighting for my husband and telling her to stop destroying my life. I am 10 months in and my husband has broken it off with her numerous times but when things between us get rough he becomes weak and reaches out to her. Her divorce is almost finalized so of course she devours him. I told my husband I’m moving out because he is clearly not sorry for his actions and is still not taking our marriage seriously. Yet I’m struggling because he is my best friend, my right arm, the man I grew up with. I told him this is the choice he has made, clearly knowing the consequences of his actions but he won’t take me seriously. What do I do? Tell her to leave him alone so we can have a chance (for once) to stop relapsing, or just cut the cord and realize he is never changing?

    • Hey there,
      I don’t know if I have any answers but I know why you want to reach out to her. I just don’t know that showing her that you are vulnerable will help you. She is losing her marriage and is holding onto your husband for whatever reason.
      Has your husband been willing to go to therapy with you? When you guys talk alone are the convesations controlled or emotionally charged? Have you asked your husband why he continues to go back to her? What does he want? The first thing I asked my husband is if he had the affair to end our marriage. I don’t know if that was right or wrong but he had never considered our marriage might end until I asked him that question. I also remember telling him when he believe that he was “just friends” with his AP that a friend doesn’t ask you to cheat on your wife and lie to your family. That really struck a chord with him because he realized in that sentence that a friend doesn’t ask you to hurt the people you love and encourage you to do it and then tell you they care about your wife. Obviously, she didn’t give a shit about me or my kids. But these lies were believable to a man that is vulnerable and weak.
      Have you read “My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me”? It’s an incredible book and I think you might relate to it. Your husband may want to read it too. Ignore the title of the book…

      • Yes we’ve been to therapy together but the past two months he refused to continue, complaining that it costs too much. Our conversations regarding the affair are typically very emotional and he throws blame everywhere but unto himself. He has been overtly critical over my recovery process saying that I’m not getting over it fast enough and making threats similar to, “if you are not better by years end, there’s no point continuing our marriage”. Every time he runs back to her he blames me for not being appreciative enough on how hard he’s trying and that she always tells him she’s amazed at how he juggles so much. Every time he’s caught he tells me he doesn’t want her, he wants me. You make a great point about the friendship of the AP. My husband claims she was such an unbelievable friend to him. But if that were true, she’d never let him hurt his family. He constantly asks me to have a conversation with her, and I have no idea why he’s persistent, but I tell him that it would be an overwhelming, emotionally charged situation in which I’m not sure I want to be in.

        Thank you for the book suggestion. I’ve read a lot about this trauma, but have yet to pick that one up. Thank you for your response. I’m so happy that you and your husband have stayed such a team through this. You’re posts remind me that I’m not alone.

      • Hi there,
        Therapy can be expensive but sometimes therapist will be willing to work with you on the cost not covered by your insurance if you ask. Have you been able to figure out why he involved himself with the AP and why he keeps getting drawn back in when things get difficult? I felt like understanding what happened to draw my husband into his AP’s web of lies was crucial to him understand what happened. How does a man that is not intending to have an affair end up completely wrapped up in one? For my husband there was a lot of self-destructive behavior and warped beliefs. He didn’t like himself and reflected that onto me–he thought I was disappointed in him and not attracted to him. He believed I was disinterested in sex but yet he was the one who had shut down in our relationship. My husband is not the man that feels guilty about cheating and then comes home to me–he is the type of guy who does not want to have sex with two women in the same week. So avoidance was huge on his part. But he didn’t see it coming from him–it was me in his eyes. He now sees that it wasn’t true.
        Why does your husband want you to talk to his AP? I don’t think that is a good idea because it sounds like he wants the AP to control the conversation and communicate something for him. Also, there is no time constraint on healing from an affair. And you cannot heal if he continues to cheat. Every time he continues his relationship with his AP you are starting over again at D-Day Day 1.
        Try to be strong. Try to figure out what you need and tell your husband. Give him the time limit to help you. This is not about him getting whatever he wants and not dealing with the reprecussions of his behavior. I don’t know what else to say but I hope your husband realizes what you are willing to do to recover and heal the marriage.

  5. I can identify with your hatred of the AP. I too struggle with the want to confront the AP. In my case, it was a very young prostitute in a 3rd world country who knew exactly what she was doing with and to my husband, a much older man. This young prostitute went right after him, over and over again. He could have said F-off and he is no victim but at the end of the day…these type of females are brutally dangerous. So dangerous that she knew she had a disease and still potrayed herself as “mother Theresa”. For that I sometimes have very strong feelings of hate. These females in 3rd world countries are looking for $$ to buy another pair of plastic shoes, more disgusting clothes….so they can gain more clientele. They don’t do it to eat or survive….they do it to be whores. For that, I get very angry as a woman whose lived all around the world and know the difference between a starving prostityte and teenage party girl prodtitutes. This bitch was the party girl type and going for the “visa”. She could have at least been human and notified my husband if the disease she had. He was also very stupid for thinking she was a young innocent girl who was attracted to him and went after him. It’s all nuts and bottom line is that one day she will get what’s do to her, and I don’t have to say a word or lift a finger. My best friends mother always told me : “God doesn’t like ugly”. For that, I’ve let my hatred go and keep my faith that good ole Karma will ensure this girl will keep suffering her 3rd world life…just too bad more men their innocent wives will be infected. Sick state if affairs. Actually thought about pressing charges but in this 3rd world country it is very common.
    Let go of the hatred, nothing is worth it. You are too good to carry their burden. Let BatShit and your husband live with their shame and karma….you deserve and need to live in only peace. Hugs!!!

  6. Holy smokes…did I ever need to read this post today. The things your wrote are exactly what I have been feeling latley. I think about my husbands AP almost everyday…I google her name and look at pictures of her…and I am completely tourturing myself. My husband has said the same thing that he was relieve when he told me and it was all out it the open. But when you said “Bat Shit was a predator of his (and our) happiness.” that hit me…I need to let “whorebag” go…I hate her I do but she is so unhealthly I am strong my husband is a stronger better person now and I shouldn’t be living this life where I am sinking to a piece of craps level.

    You have no idea…this post came at the write time. It helps to to know I am not alone and that we are all having the same feelings, triggers, emotions.

    Your blog is great
    Take Care….stay strong
    Amy

  7. I’m so happy I found this blog. It seriously blows my mind the things I read because it’s like I wrote it myself.! Thank you for the hope. ❤ I feel and think and have done almost every thing in this blog.

  8. Thank you for your blog, it gives me a brief pause of this hopeless despair. I too obsessed about needing to see her, her having to see me, but the truth is all I really needed was a face to this devastation. I tell myself she owed me and my family nothing, he owed us everything. today I got to see her picture after 2 1/2 weeks of learning of his one year affair with a co-worker. I always thought is she prettier than me, does she have a better body but after seeing her that was not what I questioned but rather thought there is the “evil” that rocked my blissful world. I no longer do I feel the need to type her name into every search engine I can find. I wish to and want to move forward with my husband the question is will I be able to. I realize today that moving on means we will either come out with a stronger relationship or we will slowly bleed out. I find strength in your blog because your story mirrors mine, but I also feel a deep sorrow when I read your words. My husband tells me (and I can see it) the pain, guilt, remorse he carries is unbearable at times for him that he feels like he doesn’t deserve me.

    • Hi,
      It’s such a hard battle for all of us. Just last week when I was talking to my husband he reitterated that this will be his only regret in life. He says he cannot forgive himself, he lost respect for himself and he will never find an acceptable reason why it happened. I get what he is saying but I also hope that there will be a day when we step outside this bubble and it doesn’t shadow our lives anymore. Keep talking, keep working… keep loving him.
      Thanks for reading!

  9. I also wanted to give some light on a spiritual act we will begin to follow, “sage smudging” if you are new to it, believe me it works. I had a terrible negativity over me today when I saw her picture. Knew I needed inner peace so I smudged our bedroom and myself and felt the negativity lift away. We are all mind body and soul, let our souls find some inner peace. As I type this I’ve texted my honey to hurry home so that I can smudge him as well I wish inner peace for his soul. I first learned of this when I was desperately seeking to cleanse our home of negativity. We did it together and there was a peace instantly but the negative conversations continued and again there is a heavyness in our home (smudging shall resume).

  10. I too google and look up my husbands AP almost daily on Instagram, Facebook, whatever. I can see that I’m torturing myself but just can’t seem to let it go yet. I think mainly because I haven’t told her husband so she is merrily going about her life without a care in the world and that drives me to distraction. She no longer works with my husband but emailed another girl who works there the other day, copying H in and directly asking him a question. She then text him only yesterday about a work related issue, but finished the text with ‘hope you’re all ok?’ I mean seriously, how crazy is she? And what part of no contact doesn’t she understand!! I didn’t hate her before but I’m starting to now!!!! As you know from my other posts H has been tempted back once and this kind of contact is so damaging to me recovering again. Our counsellor was fab last night, she suggested as she has contacted twice and had no response to give her one last chance and if she gets in touch again we should send another NC email from both of us stating that if she doesn’t stop we will be forced to inform her husband. She’s either really thick or really insensitive, maybe both!! I worry that she thinks my H is here for the wrong reasons and sees me as some ogre who has threatened him that I’ll take his children away if he goes back to her again. The reality is he chooses to be here because it’s me/us he wants. I so want to tell her that but at the same time don’t want her to know she bothers me so much! Aghh!!!

    • Bat Shit bothers me too. Every day on my way to work I drive by a store with Bat Shit’s name on it. The store went out of business years ago but the signage still remains. Somedays I would forget about the sign and drive right by. Last week I started laughing out loud every time I drove by the store to try to affiliate her name with me laughing at her. I think it worked. Today a funny song started playing on my iPod as I drove by and it was karma. She is a joke and I think her life will play out just the way she’s allowed it.
      Your husband’s AP does sound crazy. Especially if she is still married. As long as your husband and you have open communication that is what is important. Trust is so important and it’s good to hear you are working on rebuilding what you once shared.

      • Thank you, my husband is being completely transparent now. He told me about the email and the text before I found out myself. I also think the fact she doesn’t seem to get the devastation they have caused to our marriage has been another eye opener for him in terms of how messed up she is. The complete separation from her has really worked in terms of him realising his feelings for her weren’t real. That and the fact that at no point did he ever say he wanted to be with her or leave me for her gives me hope that we will get throughout this. I am open to trying again…

  11. Frankie, I don’t know if you’ll see this, but I can identify with your post. In fact, I really got concerned about how often I was checking up on the OW. The obsession to follow her and look at her pictures was driving me to distraction and feeding my anxiety. And yet, it was the only way I knew to respond to the ruminations, fears and sadness. I guess I needed some reassurance that she was truly out of my life. I also wanted to see some indication that her life was falling apart. I’ve been doing a lot of wishful thinking. Of course, there is no way to know what’s really going on with a person via Facebook – it’s all smoke and mirrors anyway. But more importantly, it slowly started to dawn on me that focusing on her and spending my time looking for her was a wonderful way to avoid dealing with what is going on with me. By obsessing over what she did with my husband (the source of my pain) and what she’s doing now (anticipating more pain), I don’t have to do the unknown and possibly painful work of healing myself. I
    knew that what I was doing was torturing myself, too, but I couldn’t stop. Then I read somewhere that when the betrayed get so caught up in studying the affair, the OW, all that was done to destroy the marriage, they are actually having an affair with the affair. This statement hit me right between the eyes! It’s true: just as my husband became less of himself and lost sight of what truly mattered to him by having an affair, my stalking and obsessing over it was causing me to do the exact same thing! It really shocked me to think about it that way. Aren’t I the faithful one? Aren’t I appalled by his behavior? Haven’t we all suffered and grieved enough over the devastation caused by our spouse focusing on something other than us and our marriages? Somehow I discovered a new book by Dr. Steve Stosny entitled Living and Loving After Betrayal – and this book is helping me tremendously. What a life line! Dr. Stosny says that as long as we hold onto the hurt and pain of betrayal, we identify ourselves as a victim. Living as a victim means allowing what’s been done to you to define who you are. He proposes developing an identity of healing and says that healing can begin to take place when we choose to live out our core values – our strengths. His book is taking me through a ton of exercises that are helping me to reclaim my inner strengths so that I can be about healing the pain, rather than living in pain. And we all know about living in pain since DDay. I am starting to remember what a strong person I really am. And I am beginning to realize that I really don’t want to spend any more of my life shopping for pain or having my own affair with my husband’s affair. As of today, I have not checked on the OW in over a week! It takes a lot of self control, but I can’t tell you how much better it is to have some self control than to pursue a false sense of control over another person or an affair that is in the past.

    • Thanks Keri 🙂
      Yes to everything you have written above!!! It drives me mad because I’m sure she’s not obsessing about me and what I’m doing!!
      What you said about having an affair with your husbands affair reminded me of something our counsellor said. ‘no contact means no contact between any of you’ I see my cyber stalking is contact of a kind and in the same way it was only possible for my husband to get her out of his system by having no contact of any kind, the same goes for me. If I think about her everyday how will I ever get over it all.
      I’m not sure I have your level of self control yet but maybe I could try one day and see how I go 🙂 thank you again for your advice x

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  14. I hate the batshit in my life, My husband denies his affair with batshit even today. I found evidence of face time, phone logs for upto 5 hours everyday. Sneaking and meeting her. when I travel for work she is in my house. She was my good friend for 16 years, suddenly she was hostile towards me. In public setting when I didn’t know what was going on with batshit and my husband she would humiliate me and my husband would laugh and humiliate me further. He would not allow me to touch him in public setting but he would be seated right next to her. one of the dinners she was playing footsie with him… I managed to get my leg in between the two of them and neither realized it was me and she had her hands on my thighs.

    I walked into one room where batshit and she were dancing alone in the dark and they were kissing. Even after all that my husband still denies his affair. He says he has since stopped speaking to her. I told him to own up to what he has done, he says he is only guilty of communicating with her over the phone.

    I have 2 daughters 13 and 10 and I am at my wits end to understand what to do. this happened a year ago and last week I found out he is talking to another friend of mine on and off, apparently he didn’t tell me about this or lied about the conversations with this friend because he thought the whole gamut would start again with me. I would throw a tantrum and what not and he didn’t want me to get worked up as this was nothing. I told him this was perhaps nothing but if he believed I would get upset if I found out, why talk to the other person in the first place.

    He said, he will make amends. the thing is I feel I am the only one trying to make effort to move past. I am the only one trying hard to start trusting him.

    I am trying to look or talk about batshit, but somehow something he does always comes back to her.

    At this point I just want peace, I feel I am chasing after him, as he in his mind is a saint and out to help all the damsels in distress.

  15. No offense, but you hate her, but not him? They did the same thing. It was your husband that was married to you, not her. He cheated on you with her. She did not force him. I never understand why we as woman forgive the man, but hate the other woman. I’m sure he made false promises to her, just to keep receiving her attention. If you forgive him, you should try to forgive her. He’s the main one who betrayed you. I had an affair with a maaried man, but at the time did not know he was married. He never told me. When I found out, he said they were finalizing a divorce. The wife was nasty to me, but forgave him. I was happy she took him back, because after I found out I would not want him in my life. The disrespect she displayed towards me was childish, since she did not grasp comments sense to realize I thought he was single. While in your situation the other woman may have known, you should not place all the blame on her. It is ok to still place blame on your husband. It is ok to still love him, but do not place all fault on her when both he and sge participated in the affair.

    • Yes, it’s a strange process but I think it’s for self-preservation. In the face of discovering an affair the emotions that take over are unfamiliar, heartbreaking, and devastating. And for some reason the love we share with our spouse does not immediately disappear. So you go into survival mode – and in order not to fall apart completely we often have to place blame on the OW. It’s not fair or right but it’s the process. By no means does this mean that we don’t blame our husbands – trust me they must take complete ownership of their wrongdoings in order to heal.

  16. Oh my god I’m in pieces tonight. We are camping… a weekend we have between looking forward to for ages, and I lost it with my husband. I am so tired of the pain of his deceptions. I am so tired of not being able to rely on being able to enjoy even the good times, because a single word can trigger hell… And he won’t know why my mood has changed so suddenly… when everything was ‘fine’. I’m afraid nothing will ever really be fine again. I’m afraid I will have to live with a backdrop of his affairs casting shadows over everything for the rest of our lives because I can’t let it all go. The irony is that I’m the guy now. I ruin everything…like this camping weekend that we were all looking forward to… My family are inside sleeping and i am sitting outside in the dark, crying, googling how to get over the pain of infidelity, again. I’m fine. I really am. Tonight is just hard, and I am full of resentment and fear. Fear that in the end it will be my resentment that will end our marriage after twenty years. It has been four years since his last affair, which is a big deal… we had never gone a year without ‘something’ before… The change in him palpable. He is doing everything a man could to make this right. To be a great husband. We can go days weeks months without an incident and then i come across a trigger and boom, we are back at square one. Please. Please can we find a way to get through this. The pain is unbearable. I’m afraid the answer is forgiveness and Love and I’m afraid I might not have enough forgivenes and love left in me. It feels weird having a pity party for myself online. I have never written to a group before but every word every one of you said resonated with me on some level and I grateful for each of you tonight, for our connection, and I wish peace and and healing on all of us, and our spouses and families tonight. X

  17. I am coming up on one year of my DDay and it is still very difficult. I randomly selected this post for some perspective, strength and hope. I admit to searching online for her, it is exhausting. I need to stop and this is what I needed to read right now. These OW are PREDATORS. I will not allow her to control my search for peace. I pray for myself and my husband that we will find our way back again. We are both working hard and we love each other. I also pray for the strength I need to continue to forgive and move on. I am not completely moved on but am trying. Thank you again for this wonderful post and blog, it helps me so much!

  18. I want to add also that I really, really struggle with the idea of confronting the OW even after enduring this now for almost one year. I too have conversations with myself and practice precisely what I want to say to her! Will this ever go away? It seems that I am doing the right thing by not confronting her and having NC but it still burns inside this desire to confront her. It keeps me up at night sometimes. I have to keep telling myself she is a predator and karma will come around. But I so want to know about how karma will get her.

  19. Thank you all for the words you have expressed. I can’t talk to anyone about what my wife did and how it hurt me. My Rat shit, is just like bat shit. Its now been a year since she has told me about the affair, and I’m still filled with hate for Rat shit. I want him dead. In my mind he has been killed in many ways. I would like to thank all the people who have written here. It comforts me to know there are others in this world who have the integrity to live with truth and decent values. Those below us, well there is not much hope for you. You are now branded and branded you will remain.

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