Still a work in progress at (almost) fourteen months.

1growOne of the things I hate most about healing from my husband’s betrayal is my desire for this period of time to pass quickly. The first moment I read the average woman takes about two years to heal from an affair I began to look forward to September 2014. I would pray: Just get me there and I’ll be okay. As I went through the first year I began to think I had the system beat—I was going to conquer this well before the two year mark. It was like I believed that I was in an AP course and I could accelerate the healing process. Now, a little more than a year later and I realize that I can’t rush anything.

I hate wishing time would pass while my kids are young and my days with them are limited. I feel bad when I just want to lock myself in my bedroom and ignore the world around me. I wonder how many hours… days have been lost crying, feeling sad and lonely. I’ve missed opportunities to spend precious time with my children because of this damn affair. I believe I could have been a better mother to my children over the last year or so if my husband didn’t betray me. He obviously would have been a better father if he hadn’t cheated on us. We have amazing kids and they deserve amazing parents. Things have gotten better in the last few months but I’m not always happy. I’m committed to not letting this affair suck any more of my life away.

I hate the time period in my life that my husband cheated on me. The other night my husband mentioned that a certain band was his favorite in 2012. I told him to never mention the word favorite and the year 2012 in a sentence again. I hate that year and time and wish to have no memories of it. It’s funny how even if there is a good memory from the time he was cheating it has now become painful. Mostly, I look back at that time and remember only the bad moments between us. As much as we had a great marriage before the affair, my husband changed when he was cheating and became a stranger to me and my kids. His behavior wasn’t normal and I let him get away with being an asshole. I didn’t hold him accountable because I didn’t understand what was going on. Maybe it’s good that things were off during his affair—it shows he was affected by what he was doing and not in a good way. But still, don’t bring up the time period he was cheating on me because my mood will instantly turn sour.

I also hate that I’ve distanced myself from my friends in the last year. I needed to deal with some of what happened on a personal level and I didn’t want every friend and family member in my life involved and worried about me/him/us. I have never doubted my decision to keep things private but I doubt I have been a good friend. I am beginning to invest more time in my friendships again. I am realizing that sometimes friends do need room to grow and revitalize their spirit and it has no reflection on the relationship when you need space.

I hate that I still attach pain to the affair. I have this fear that I will never fully recover from this pain. There is a song on my iPod with the lyrics: Bullets don’t make dents // they make holes. I think that lyric just about sums up what an affair does to a betrayed spouse. It leaves a hole somewhere. I am skeptical that it ever heals completely. I remain hopeful but the doubt lingers.

I don’t hate everything about the last fourteen months. I’ve learned to speak even in great fear. I rediscovered a relationship with my husband that is richer, deeper and more loving than the one we had when we first married. I am not afraid to tell him anything now. I am not afraid to tell him what I need from him. I am not offended if he tells me he needs more from me either. In the past I would feel criticized if he said he needed more affection or time with me. Now I realize he’s telling me because he wants me not because I’m not good enough. I’ve let my husband inside the most sacred and private parts of my being this past year. I have entrusted him with my heart and life again. I am not afraid to be vulnerable anymore. In fact, I’ve learned there is a certain strength that comes from vulnerability. Trust and vulnerability go hand in hand in a marriage. I wish someone had told me this fourteen years ago.

I realize now how I will help my children have better marriages. I can’t promise my children won’t fail, after all they are human. But I can teach them how to be good men, good husbands. I can teach them how to be honest and trust their spouse with their fears and dreams, the good and the bad. I can’t go back in time and change the course of my marriage but I can put what I learned into action.

This post may be a bit all over the place but that’s a reflection of where I am right now on this journey. A bit scattered but forever hopeful.

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49 thoughts on “Still a work in progress at (almost) fourteen months.

  1. WOW!!!! Are you inside my head??? This is me! I have four kids 8-1 yrs….I have thought these exact things many times, yet the pain, anger, frustration have to work themselves out, and it takes TIME. And SO much work…it’s emotionally exhausting; then you have your kids needing you….

    Thanks for this post!

    • Thanks–I am looking forward to days when we can both not have reminders. Even last night I had a great night and didn’t think about the affair once–until the this morning when I realized I didn’t think about the affair! Ughhh. Oh well, I’ll take my evening and be hopeful that can turn into an entire day and then a week….

  2. EXACTLY! You write exactly what I think and feel. You know, I have to say that as I’ve followed your blog, I’ve felt a envious that I wasn’t any further along as you (and I am 22 months out from DDay.) I am so anxious that the 2 year mark is close and I am not healed – still angry, hurt, sad, still ruminate. I wish I’d never read about the average recovery time! I am overwhelmed by this post – I share the same betrayal heartbreak. This is hard. I hate it. I feel closer to my husband than ever. I have a bullet hole indeed. Will time and hard work close the hole? Some days I can’t believe I’m still bleeding.

    • I never wanted to erase any part of my life before my husband’s affair and this healing period. Even my stupid mistakes were never so bad that I had any regrets. My husband told me a few months ago that he only has one regret in his life (the affair) and he feels he will never forgive himself. There are those horrid moments when I wonder if I’ll ever get over it… and then I squash those thoughts and try to move one with my day. Mostly, I wonder how my damaged/depressed my husband was to do this and I didn’t see it? I could go on and on….

  3. I like it 🙂 it lets me know not to get too far ahead of myself in thinking how good we’re doing. It lets me know, the confusion will last for sometime, and that I’m not alone in my thoughts in regards to how every thing seems to remind me of it. I’m not alone in wanting it all to be better right now, or in disapointment at how little I’ve been there for my kids these past months, and how we both could have been better parents had the betrayal not happened. You let me know it’s okay to have backed away from my friends as I have, to focus deeply on myself. You’ve helped me realize this new closeness we’ve found is okay, and aupposed to happen, and finally…that Something(s) good did come from all this…That we are better able to guide our children to a better understanding of marriage and the importance of communications and opening ourselves and our vulnerabilities to our spouses so they have a better understanding of us. And last but not least…that it’s okay to reflect and still be scattered sometimes.

    Beautiful heartfelt post…it shows how you’ve healed and what still needs help.

    • Thank you. Seeing “don’t give up” and my name from somewhere “out there” is a life line. It is so damn hard keeping this devastion to myself. In so many ways I am living a kind of dual life just like my husband did. Keeping up appearances is absolutely exhausting! I don’t know who you are or where you are, but I am profoundly grateful for you and your willingness to share your heart.

      • Awe 🙂 you just made me smile, and I’ve had such a rough day, just emotions trying to get the best of me. I know what you mean about the dual life, and keeping the emotions to yourself, oh man do I. And the smiles just to kewp up appearances? I used to hate as a kid going places with my parwnts as they faught with us the whole way there, just to get to the door of wherever we were going and watch my parwnts put on some fake smile to make thwmswlves loom better than they were, and here I am doing it, nearly everyday. Hang in there sweets, I’ve heard for most it gets a lot better than it was 🙂

  4. IT IS A PAINFUL JOURNEY…IT HAS BEEN OVER TWO YEARS FOR ME.MY MARRIAGE IS HEALTHY AN STRONG.
    I NEVER FORGET ONE SINGLE DETAIL..NOTHING.
    I FEEL I LOST THE PAST TWO YEARS IN A PAINFUL FOG.I HATE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE YEAR 2011…ESPECIALLY THAT SUMMER. I STILL GET ANGRY..HEALING IS DIFFERENT FOR EACH ONE OF US…BUT INSIDE THE HURT..BETRAYEL IS STILL THERE..WISH YOU PEACE AND BELIEVE ME…I HEAR YOU.

    ANDREA

  5. it’s great to hear how you are doing your blog is the first one I found after my DDAY 10 weeks ago. you don’t post often so I have read your story many times over looking taking comfort in your healing. I am in a state now where it feels like it was a dream, I fear that it could be detachment rather than acceptance. I have not had a psychotic rage or a crying spell that renders me a helpless grasping for breathe inbetween the iinvoluntarily screams and dry heaves as if I’m trying to vomit up my writhing insides in over a week. Being in that state from day one now the absence of those emotions has left a void I’m too afraid to think of as feeling acceptance.

    • Hi Jodi,
      There was a time I felt like it was all a bad dream too. In some way I think I wanted to believe it would all just go away and I could forget it. It took me almost ten months to reach the point of acceptance and it wasn’t until I went back to my therapist and she asked me if I had accepted that this had happened to me. I really thought hard about that question because I thought–of course, I can’t escape it. But the truth is I hadn’t accepted it. I really wanted to believe it would all go away, that I was better than all this and my husband would never cheat on me. Take each moment and phase as it comes and know that each one of us has been in that place at one time or another.
      I don’t post as much as I wish… lately because my personal and work life has been very busy which is good. I wish I could compose posts from the thoughts in my head…. I also have pushed myself away from logging onto my blog every day and I only try to be here once or twice a week. It’s really for my own mental and emotional sanity. When I first started blogging I was on here constantly throughout each day–looking for a sign of hope or something. Now, I realize if I want to have freedome from the affair I have to keep my mind clear of it sometimes. I guess it’s bittersweet….

  6. It’s been almost 3 years for us and I tell myself that I feel better and it seems like I am, but in those moments when I am alone with my thoughts I know that I am a big fake. I am not better, not at all. I “fake it” a lot. I do love my husband but I believe that something is missing from our marriage, something vital to it’s survival. The sad truth is the something that I am missing, left the day he confessed his affair to me. I honestly don’t know if we will ever get that back. Somethings really are just broken and can’t be fixed. I don’t feel the same connection with him that I did before this. I wonder if it’s possible for that spark to return after so much pain. I guess time will tell. It’s not unbearable by any means. We get along great and do enjoy each other, it’s just that something is missing. I have 3 1/2 years until my youngest child graduates…if I still feel this way then, I guess we will be over. I know I want more than I have right now whether it’s with him or not.

    • Omg I totally get you!! That little something missing its soooo weird. I don’t think that there is a way to get it back since your eyes were opened ( your innocence was lost). I hope you can endure and enjoy the 3 years and I hope that you can find hapiness with your husband

    • Hi Kayboo,
      My husband worries that I will eventually walk away because of the pain. I would be a liar if I said that I will never leave even though I don’t want or expect that to happen. But those thoughts do exist. There is something broken deep within me–maybe it was a belief that our marriage was perfect, maybe it was believing his love was perfect… maybe it was just because I’ve never had my heart broken before. I don’t know what it is exactly that’s broken but I don’t know if we’ll ever have “it” back…. And I think that was why I married him in the first place.

  7. this: It’s funny how even if there is a good memory from the time he was cheating it has now become painful.

    I found this hard as well…how DO I REMEMBER the good times during the As? Well, I asked him about one particular “special memory for me” and this is one case where compartmentalization works well: he said he remembered that special time as special, too -and I imagine other memories as well….- the other women do not enter those memories at all — I hold on to that: that our GOOD FUN TIMES even during the As were genuine and meant something to him as well. He remembers them fondly as do I. this helps as thinking he was just “faking” or does not have any good memories of us at the time is too painful..It is a better perspective…my goodness the kind of “mind adjustments” we have to go through to get through this!

    . It is not easy, but it made me feel better to know that we were at least feeling the same about those good memories….yes, I could come up with the “other side of this” but this perspective keeps helps our marriage history – even during the As – not to be just about the As.

  8. I have read your blog for more than a year now and have nerver thought I would ever comment on something but it is as if you have just told me you are not crazy, it is okay and it will get better. Thanks so much. This weekend it felt as if I am going crazy… How how how does it ever get better???

    • It will get better. Sometimes it’s hard to believe but it will. I have those moments when I think I am going crazy too. I noticed it’s always when I am alone that my doubts creep in.So I’ve decided never to be alone again… just kidding. If only it was that easy. Time… it just takes time.
      I hope you have a good Thanksgiving!

  9. Just like all the previous comments… “are you in my head ;)”
    This is exactly how I feel….especially about missing precious time with my kids….your post is great.

    And even if it helps alittle I know I’m not alone. So thank you.
    Amy

  10. you know, feel free to dismiss me completely but it would be interesting to hear from your husband and how he feels about this whole horrible sordid thing 14 months out. Most importantly, I want to know if he feels like a asshole that you’re obviously still hurting 14 months out and the answer better be yes. Has he considered guest-blogging? Out of all the blogs I read, your story is the one that perplexes me but resonates with me the most. It’s partly because you’re such an amazing writer, and the words really flow so smoothly from you. But it’s also partly because your husband doesn’t seem like a narcissistic asshole, and he seems to adore you. I know you’ve tried to explain it before but his behavior seems inexplicable.

    • Hi Zenpoppy,
      I’ve asked him to write something for my blog and he’s been writing. I read what he’s written every so often but I never feel compelled to post it. You will most likely see something soon.
      To answer your questions–he still struggles with not hating himself. Last week the therapist told him he has to be able to forgive himself for me to be able to forgive him. He doesn’t believe he can but I think that’s just where we are in this. I don’t view my husband as a narcissistic asshoe and he does adore me. I think that’s why I struggle to really accept that what we had wasn’t enough to keep him faithful. It wasn’t about us… it was about him. He was depressed, lack of self-esteem… mid-life crisis.

  11. I am at 13 months. I found out about my husband’s affair in October 2012 but I feel skattered just like you. Some days I’m full of happiness and other days I’m so hurt that I want to just be all one and cry. I to have 2 son’s but mine are 18 and 21. I do however feel completely empty inside some days. Good luck to you. This process is truly a recovery. I kind of feel like I’m recovering froman addiction sometimes. Your blog helps so Thank you. It helps to no I am not in this hellish place in my life alone.

    • Thanks. It does feel like addiction recovery. Sometimes I find myself reciting the Serenity Prayer from AA.
      “God, Give us the grace to accept with serenity
      the things that cannot be changed, Courage
      to change the things which should be changed,
      And the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.”

  12. Thank you so much everyone for sharing. I am only one week in to the “admission” so I appreciate your blog. It is a special, unique kind of lonely when you first find out you were betrayed. Since we have no children I just wanted to leave. Now at the encouragement of our therapist I am taking it one month at a time. No one is perfect and I believe in second chances but wow, in this situation I am not sure I can do it. We are trying an in house separation, sleeping in separate
    beds. This is supposed to give me space to understand my feelings. Well sad, numb, angry and lonely all fit the bill . So, Here I sit late at night when I find this blog. I honestly do not know if we can get
    through this. Seeing all your comments helps me know that everyone needs to take their own journey . Thank you all for sharing and wish you the best.

    • Hi Amy,
      There is so much to go through in the beginning. It can be difficult to be alone but know that you aren’t the only one going through any of this. We’ve all felt the same doubts and fears. Write down your thoughts and read books to try to help you heal. Don’t focus on the negative. It’s easy to get caught up in the pain, anger and hatred…. and you have to feel lit all but it doesn’t have to consume you.
      Take care. Sending you hugs.

  13. Hi,
    I found my way here as my life has been turned upside down by my husband’s affair. I have been married for 15 years and we have two young children under 10. I discovered the affair 10 days ago. There are moments I don’t remember, I find myself picking up my kids smiling as they describe their day only to remember and I feel like crying out loud. My situation has a couple of differences. We had a brief separation last year when my husband left me somewhat out of the blue. I soon realised he was seeing someone he worked with. Awful time but we slowly reconnected, I worked hard to show him how I loved and missed him. He came home after a few months. About that time I found out I had cancer. All this year I have undergone treatment, surgery, radiotherapy and chemotherapy. I’ve had so much love and support around me from friends and family and my husband has been there helping especially with the kids. I now know that although his AP knew about my cancer she constantly contacted him and soon enough he was seeing her again while he was here pretending to be a great and supportive husband. He told me he loved me often, slept beside me, witnessed my suffering, my hair falling out which devastated me. My poor children have also had such a hard year it is impossible to comprehend his actions. He is begging for one chance, swearing on our children’s lives, ready to change everything. He called her on the spot and ended it in my presence and he acts so differently now. (10 days) I am in shock. I can’t tell my family, I know my dad would never have a moment for him again so I feel very alone. I love him but do I love who I believe him to be and does his behaviour prove he is someone else? Some how I feel ashamed. Is it weak to still love him? To want to believe in him? To still dream of a life for us as a family. Maybe I’m crazy and i will be hurt again. I can’t imagine her giving up easily. Ahh, I think I can actually feel my heart breaking.

    • It isn’t weak to still love your husband. That is the strength of your love and compassion that even in your own pain you can love. Your story is heartbreaking… and I can understand your struggle to figure out what to do. You may not know what to do for a long time.
      You don’t need to tell family or friends but you should try ot find a marriage counselor and a therapist. I would recommend your husband going to therapy on his own too.
      There are still moments when I smile and laugh with my kids, family and friends but on the inside I am crying. It’s not as all-consuming as it once was but there are moments. It’s hard to escape the betrayal somedays. Your husband is saying he’s willing to do anything it takes to rebuild your marriage–it’s up to you if you can let him back in. XOXO… I hope you are cancer-free now.

      • Thank you for your reply and your kind and encouraging words. I’m approaching a month since finding out and I feel I’m doing a bit better day by day. We have a relationship
        therapist and both have been able to see someone individually too. Early days but the love my husband expresses to me and my love for him means I feel very hopeful. And yes, I am cancer free now, still recovering from the treatment but feeling very lucky and well. I wish for you peace and love as you keep building your new marriage. May it be wonderful!!

  14. I have to agree, that it is like you are writing this post for me. My DDay was May 2013, memorial weekend. My husband had a 3 1/2 month affair with a co-worker. I discovered it. When you write about your husband, he sounds so much like mine. My husband makes it known to everyone around him how much he adores our kids and I. That is what drew this woman to him. The only thing good about this affair, and his 5 emotional affairs, is that it allowed him to be diagnosed as manic bipolar this summer. (In June he started to become “unhinged” and our therapist referred us to a psychiatrist who did the diagnosis.) He is on medication now and feels like a new person. He feels guilty about that and everything he has done because he knows I am being ripped apart inside by what he has done. I agree with Kayboo24 and thiswillnotdefineus, our “it” is gone. His diagnosis, while I am glad he has it and he is committed to med and treatment, only serves to confuse me and my feelings more. He and this woman still work in the same building too. (He is looking to move to another company ) and this woman has just been moved to a position that will have her working side by side my sister ( my sister is less that thrilled with this). It is all such a mess. I have always been so strong. I told my husband and our therapist that I don’t know if I can do this much longer. The pain is so great. There is so much water under the bridge. My husband is committed to fixing this but I don’t know if I can…..Which kills me to say or type. We get along great. We have fun. We are in therapy. We have 3 amazing kids. I just think I have been hurt too many times. I don’t know if I can or will have romantic love for him again. I don’t know if I will ever trust him fully or partially trust him. Does anyone further along have any wisdom? I hate this new life that I have been given. I hate I am not able to be the mom that I have been. I am not able to enjoy life to the fullest right now. It is so frustrating! Can’t I just transport back to 2012, it was such a good year for our relationship…

  15. Goodness…when I discovered your blog and “rescuing my marriage”‘s blog, it’s like this giant two ton cement slab has been lifted off of my chest. You never feel so alone as when you find out the one person you trusted most in this world has shattered that trust into a million little pieces. Hearing others pain validates that mine is real. It’s almost like living in a fog. I am 3 months tomorrow post D-Day.

    I found out at my sons football practice when my husband, who was coaching, asked me to go get his phone that he had left in the truck. Whether it was divine intervention, fate, or just plain luck it was that precise moment that a sexually explicit text from the OW came thru. I still don’t know how I made it thru that practice, the ride home, or getting the kids dinner and ready for bed. In my case I am lucky, kind of :/ because they were just beginning the flirtation and touching. It had not progressed to full blown sex yet. I caught it in time. It took him two days to finally admit to me everything and only then it was because she kept texting more details. I can actually say thank you to her for being stupid enough to think I wouldn’t read those texts.

    She is a employee of my husbands. BIG deal breaker for me. I stated if he wanted to work on the marriage he would have to find a new job or transfer her to another team. He is interviewing for different companies as I type.

    This truly comes down to marital issues as the underlying issue and the affair was a result. A very painful result. I can truly say that despite the affair, we have never been more open and honest since this has come to light. He takes full responsibility for his actions when in the past he has been quick to blame. He is realizing thru counseling that this was his insecurity in himself, our marriage, and my feelings for him and instead of vocalizing his discontent he let this OW swoop in and make him feel powerful and wanted.

    She is truly the scum of the earth…I like to call her POS (piece of shit). She took advantage of his vulnerability and twisted it to get what she wanted. I think she still thinks I will kick him out and he will eventually go to her…not going to happen. Our last contact with her was thru Facebook in which I let her know that one fleeting moment in time WILL NOT erase 10 years of love and two kids and just because we derailed for a split second, we are now back on the same track. While we will go on to live a happy life together she will forever be a miserable excuse for a human being that will never be loved…I even said to her “silly girl..do you not watch Lifetime movies? They never leave their wives for the other woman”. After that we blocked all access to us, Facebook and blocked her cell phone.

    Slowly we will heal but I have hope and that’s all that I can ask for!!!

    Thank you for your bog and insight!!

    • Thanks for writing and sharing your story on here. I have to appreciate the fact that you were reading the texts and able to shut her down. Nicely done with the Lifetime movie comment.
      Keep healing and moving forward. Your story resonates with me too. Thank you.

  16. I have read almost all of your posts since my D-day almost 10 weeks ago. You may remember my husband is the one who paid strippers for sex. I found out a few weeks ago that one of the girls he had encounters with three years ago and there was another brief fling with yet another stripper two years ago. So, I guess I have 2 D-days. I am at a stand still now. I’m unsure whether our marriage is salvagable after such deceipt. The panic attacks have started again. My husband goes from remorse to extreme anger at me for my part in the break down of our marriage. I still have chosen not to reveal our plight to friends and family. Our counselor and a poor sales clerk at the mall ( I broke down buying jeans and she was the sweetest girl who brought me water in the dressing room) are the only outsiders who know this secret. I believe I read that you chose to keep your journet private as well. Can I ask why? Did you confide in any friends or family? Your blog gives me hope to heal and rebuild my life.

    • Hi Elyse,
      I am sorry you feel lost and at a standstill. You have to take care of yourself and try to figure out what will make you happy. When I read it takes two years to heal–I almost set that as a deadline in my head. See how i felt in two years but if at any time I felt I was done I would leave. As of today, I haven’t wanted to leave yet so I stay and work on rebuilding our marriage.
      I did choose not to tell family, friends or our children. The decision not to tell our children was based on my belief that this is an adult issue and they cannot understand it completely. We are staying together–if we were separating then we may tell them. I chose not to tell my family because I needed to go through all of this without their constant worrying, interference or opinions. I needed to stay or leave on my own accord. I shared this struggle with three friends. One of them know the entire story and the other two know 75% of it. Of the friends I confided in–none of them have focused on rehashing things with me which I appreciate. It’s only discussed on my terms when I am open to talking about it. Which we don’t really discuss at all anymore.
      The decision to tell people is personal. My husband let me steer that ship and make the decisions. I am glad that I made the decisions I’ve made.
      “You can’t unring a bell.” My therapist says that all the time in reference to my husband’s affair. Meaning that it’s done, it’s in the past and we cannot change it.
      I hope you are doing well and taking care of yourself. You will get stronger every day even if you don’t see it.

  17. What do they mean when they say “healed” after 2 years? What are you expecting when you read that? Are we to be healed of all pain, all reminders, everything that pains us now will no longer hurt us after 2 years?

    • I’m not sure if healed is the proper term either….I just think Iam slowly able to not leave my heartbreak be the focus of my every day as it was for the first six or so months. Anger and pain I’m not sure will ever completely disappear but I amlearning to cope better. Happy Thanksgiving and God bless! I pray every single daythat I don’t run into the ow as she pretended to be a friend. I no for sure that 13 months has not eased that desire to rip her head off!

    • I had to chuckle when I read your comment because you are absolutely right. Only someone grappling to find hope can read something that says “two years” is the average healing time and latch onto that idea. For some reason that is a very common thread out there–two years. They must do studies on us betrayed wives like we are lab rats or something.

    • When I first found out about my husband’s affair (5 months ago) the only pain I could relate it to was losing my mother (9 years ago). When my mother passed I went into depression and down “the wrong road” for a few years before I was able to find myself again… The first few years were rough, the following years were better yet still filled with plenty of tears and then years went on and the painful memories and tears lessened. 9 years later I still remember my mother, some of the good and the bad, but I have so much more control over those memories now than I did then. I like to think the “healing” process would be similar to that… We’ll never forget, The wounds will become scars that make us who we are today, But most importantly we’ll have more control over the crazy emotions that we have to deal with… I don’t think there’s a definite time frame for overcoming this, It just gets easier to deal with…

  18. It’s nice to have someone to relate to as I lie awake not being able to sleep because all I can think of is everything I know about my husbands affairs… It’s been 5 months since I found out and one heck of a roller coaster. We went to marriage counseling and I found out more than I wish I knew but I still find myself wanting to know more. My mind tries to fill in the blanks and recreate the scenarios of his infidelity, DISGUSTING!!! I don’t know what I would get from more information or details besides more pain. And I find myself fighting the spite inside of me to make him know the pain I feel. I could NEVER cheat and live with myself knowing I had done that but I feel like he deserves some sort of punishment. We have 3 kids all 18 months apart and during that entire time he was cheating on me, with several different women. Things will NEVER be the same… & when I do start to get upset about something he is/isn’t doing I just think back to the infidelity and question why I didn’t leave when I found out. I’m just waiting for it to happen again so I can leave… I feel like I can never trust him again. It just sucks…

    • My therapist always says that you cannot unring a bell once it’s been rung. She cautioned me in the beginning to understand that once I know something I cannot unknow it. At one point I decided I was done reading through the emails–it would only bring me more pain. There are still some words I cannot make disappear from my mind that I wish would leave me. Maybe someday they will….
      Try to figure out what you need to be happy. Take care of yourself. Try to get some sleep and give your mind a rest… the pain can be suffocating.

  19. It has been 18 months since I watched my wife of 15 years walk out of a hotel with her paramour. I read your posts and I can so relate to your situation. My wife lost her job and completely launched into a mid life crisis and a six month long affair. We are trying to reconcile. We have told no one and it has been so incredibly hard on me. I have two young children who have had to live with my pain, anger and moods for almost two years now. I hate everything about 2012 and wish I could wipe it from my memory. Sometimes, I am just a very angry person and I was never like that before all this. I have neglected my work, friends and family to hide my pain from them. My wife has tried hard, but I too also feel that something was lost that I can never get back – that I need back for this to work in the long run.

    I love my wife and we get alone very good right now, but I feel as if she will always be in some way tainted before my eyes. Sometimes, I feel like my whole marriage has been a sham!

    I would never ever do this to another human being knowing what I have been through.

    It hurts so bad for us guys as well.

    • Hi Seven,
      I imagine your anger is the equivalent to me crying. It’s just how our emotions come out when they are on overload. I often wonder how my husband would have managed if our roles were reversed. I don’t wonder because I want him to feel this but I just wonder if he could have gotten over this. Would he ever have believed my love was real beforehand? But like you–I could never do this to another human now that I have lived through this. It’s too painful.
      Once I was able to separate my husband’s actions from him that was huge for me. I hate what he did but I don’t hate him. I hope that you are able to express what you are going through so your wife can understand.
      I hope the new year brings new hope for all of us. Take care.

  20. Pingback: Filling the Void After His Affair | Healing After My Husband's Affair

  21. I found out about my husband’s affair 11 months ago. But after 6 months of agonizing over those details he admitted to me that he’d been cheating on me for our entire marriage. it was a huge blow! Not only that, but he admitted that he’d been the one to initiate the affair that I had found out about (after swearing for 6 months that the other woman had been the one to initiate the affair). I was floored! I couldn’t believe that he hat initiated the affair as well as having had cheated on me (apparently one night stands before) for our entire marriage! Are you kidding me? I didn’t know where to go to give up!! I am still with him, trying to understand and forgive the reasons for cheating for our entire marriage. He had a terrible childhood and our therapist blames that for his indiscretions. but how much can I forgive? Most people cheat because their marriage and kids just suffocate them. But my husband started cheating when things were still new for us. What am I supposed to do with that?

    • People enter into affairs for all different reasons. Often a person’s insecurities and fears drive them into actions/coping mechanisms. But there’s never an excuse for lying and deceiving anyone. I am a little bothered that your therapist blames his childhood for his actions. Yes, his childhood shaped him and has obviously affected him BUT he is still accountable for what he did. My husband has been in therapy alone for the past four months. His therapist is focused on my husband’s personality and helping him understand himself and his perceptions. My husband has grown to understand that how he feels does not necessarily have anything to do with the way I am treating him but more often, his own expectations and misconceptions. Your husband didn’t cheat on you in the beginning to hurt you. He was coping with something else in his life and chose a very destructive path. Infidelity is similar to having a drug addiction or being an alcoholic. The cheating spouse knows what they are doing is wrong but while they are cheating it gives them a high that masks their insecurities. Just like an alcoholic, a cheater never thinks what he is doing will impact their loved ones. They try to keep their cheating a secret and they may even make promises to themselves that they will never do it again. But when they are triggered by things from their past they find themselves caught up in the cheating again.

  22. Pingback: Filling the Void After His Affair | CASTIMONIA

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