My morning routine has been the same since a week after D-Day. I lay in bed with my husband while each of our children prepare for school. They are old enough now to make their own breakfasts and pack their lunches. One-by-one they walk into the bedroom and kiss us good-bye for the day. As soon as the children are off to school my husband and we begin our daily ritual: we fuck.
One week after D-Day, my hysterical bonding phase began. It all started the day we spent an afternoon in a Planned Parenthood getting all our STD and HIV testing done (I know, romantic, right?). After we sat in silence for hours with me occasionally bursting into tears, we were in the clear and we climbed into our car to go home. I was starving and I hadn’t been eating well since discovering the affair and I was actually feeling hungry for the first time all week. My husband was happy to see me want food and willing to take me anywhere. I decided I wanted a margarita too so off we drove to a Mexican restaurant. I could barely eat but I drank a large margarita. I am already a light-weight so the fact that my stomach was probably empty meant I felt myself loosening up. For the first time though, my husband and I were talking. Really, talking. For the first time in a long time, I needed him physically.
We ended up going home and fucking all night long. I can’t recall exactly how many times we made love over the next twenty-four hours but I think it was around eight. The next morning I told myself I was going to have sex with my husband every day for the next year. After all, I’d seen interviews with women who had made similar commitments when they realized their sex life with their husband needed a kick start. I figured if he wanted sex, I would give it to him.
Before we had three kids, two full-time jobs, a dog and too many commitments for two adults to manage, my husband and I had an amazing sex life. Through the years (and children) we let go of the fun, fantasy-driven world we once loved to experiment in. After three kids, I became worried they would find our “toys” or hear something that I didn’t want them to hear. I knew prior to my husband entering into his affair that our sex life needed help. It might have been me worrying about the kids, or been hormones from birth control, but mostly, I think it was exhaustion. Sex became our lowest priority. I wanted more sex. He wanted more sex. But just like almost every other couple we talked around the problem for fear of disappointing each other.
My new vow to have sex everyday would change us. At first, I didn’t tell my husband about my 365-day promise because I still didn’t know if our marriage would survive infidelity. I remember feeling this inextinguishable desire to fuck my husband and please him. I was insatiable and so was he. I Googled “sex after affair” and discovered what I was experiencing had a name: hysterical bonding. I read about women who experienced hysterical bonding for one week, one month, three months, even one year. I wondered if my desires would lessen over time. I figured I would stick to my yearlong sex vow and see what happened.
Over the next few weeks and months both our sex drives continued increasing. I noticed that my husband needed to have sex with me as much as I needed him. If we couldn’t have sex in the morning we were texting each other dirty messages all day. I realized hysterical bonding wasn’t just for the betrayed partner; it was also for the wayward. He needed intimacy just as much as I did. We picked up right where we had left off years ago. Bringing all our sexual fantasies to life again, exploring new ones, talking about what we wanted and how it felt. There was a new level of honesty between us. Our sex life was (and still is) the best it had ever been. That is a huge statement from us because we have always had a strong passion for each other and we are compatible in each and every way.
I thought about writing about hysterical bonding on my blog before but I knew I was still in that phase. How much clarity can I have on the topic if I am still immersed in it?
About a month into our hysterical bonding I told my husband I wanted to make love to him every day for the next year. He was both excited to hear me say that and flattered. This was one goal he was more than happy to see me reach. As we went through our year of sex, we often talked about how we felt and how we still couldn’t get enough of each other. We looked forward to making love every day. For many months we made love at least two times a day; once in the morning and then again before bed at night. If the kids were away, all bets were off as to how many times we would be intimate. We started talking more about our desires again, bringing fun and fantasy back into the bedroom.
I kept my vow and we made love/had sex/fucked every day for one year. Okay, there were probably about ten days during the entire year where we did not have sex but we always made up for those days. We also never went more than 2 ½ days without sex (we still haven’t gone longer than that as I type this entry). Right around the one year mark I realized I no longer needed the sex anymore but I wanted it. I believe this is when the hysterical bonding phase probably ended. But our sex drive has not diminished or decreased. We decided we would continue to have sex every day we could. Sex is more than the physicality of two bodies together; there is an intimacy of souls that evolves and emerges. I truly don’t believe this is true for all sex partners. I’ve had one other sexual partner in my life and it was truly just sex. There was nothing passionate or groundbreaking about our sex life. I think the same is true for my husband and his affair partner. Sometimes sex is just that, sex. The intimacy I share with my husband is only there because we have no walls between each other, no secrets, no boundaries and mostly, because we truly love each other.
It’s been almost eighteen months since my D-Day. The good news is that I don’t count the months anymore. I don’t even realize when I pass or reach a milestone any longer. But I just had to do quick mental calculation in order to figure out how long my husband and I have been making love every day. Honestly, I wish we had made this commitment when we first were married. Sex is important. Recent studies are revealing that regular sex is one of the most important factors in determining the happiness of a marriage. I guess we all know this deep down, but when we become burdened by the real world and all its stresses, sex is the first thing to be eliminated or reduced in marriage.
Committing to have sex every day with my husband brought us closer. We talk about everything. We have fun with each other. We can be dirty or romantic or try something new. We not only try new things but we have more intimate and honest conversations. Every day is amazing and I look forward to beginning each morning with my husband.
My desire for my husband cannot be measured and I hope I always remain insatiable.