Hysterical Bonding: Sex after the affair.

Sexy desire.My morning routine has been the same since a week after D-Day. I lay in bed with my husband while each of our children prepare for school. They are old enough now to make their own breakfasts and pack their lunches. One-by-one they walk into the bedroom and kiss us good-bye for the day. As soon as the children are off to school my husband and we begin our daily ritual: we fuck.

One week after D-Day, my hysterical bonding phase began. It all started the day we spent an afternoon in a Planned Parenthood getting all our STD and HIV testing done (I know, romantic, right?). After we sat in silence for hours with me occasionally bursting into tears, we were in the clear and we climbed into our car to go home. I was starving and I hadn’t been eating well since discovering the affair and I was actually feeling hungry for the first time all week. My husband was happy to see me want food and willing to take me anywhere. I decided I wanted a margarita too so off we drove to a Mexican restaurant. I could barely eat but I drank a large margarita. I am already a light-weight so the fact that my stomach was probably empty meant I felt myself loosening up. For the first time though, my husband and I were talking. Really, talking. For the first time in a long time, I needed him physically.

We ended up going home and fucking all night long. I can’t recall exactly how many times we made love over the next twenty-four hours but I think it was around eight. The next morning I told myself I was going to have sex with my husband every day for the next year. After all, I’d seen interviews with women who had made similar commitments when they realized their sex life with their husband needed a kick start. I figured if he wanted sex, I would give it to him.

Before we had three kids, two full-time jobs, a dog and too many commitments for two adults to manage, my husband and I had an amazing sex life. Through the years (and children) we let go of the fun, fantasy-driven world we once loved to experiment in. After three kids, I became worried they would find our “toys” or hear something that I didn’t want them to hear. I knew prior to my husband entering into his affair that our sex life needed help. It might have been me worrying about the kids, or been hormones from birth control, but mostly, I think it was exhaustion. Sex became our lowest priority. I wanted more sex. He wanted more sex. But just like almost every other couple we talked around the problem for fear of disappointing each other.

My new vow to have sex everyday would change us. At first, I didn’t tell my husband about my 365-day promise because I still didn’t know if our marriage would survive infidelity. I remember feeling this inextinguishable desire to fuck my husband and please him. I was insatiable and so was he. I Googled “sex after affair” and discovered what I was experiencing had a name: hysterical bonding. I read about women who experienced hysterical bonding for one week, one month, three months, even one year. I wondered if my desires would lessen over time. I figured I would stick to my yearlong sex vow and see what happened.

Over the next few weeks and months both our sex drives continued increasing. I noticed that my husband needed to have sex with me as much as I needed him. If we couldn’t have sex in the morning we were texting each other dirty messages all day. I realized hysterical bonding wasn’t just for the betrayed partner; it was also for the wayward. He needed intimacy just as much as I did. We picked up right where we had left off years ago. Bringing all our sexual fantasies to life again, exploring new ones, talking about what we wanted and how it felt. There was a new level of honesty between us. Our sex life was (and still is) the best it had ever been. That is a huge statement from us because we have always had a strong passion for each other and we are compatible in each and every way.

I thought about writing about hysterical bonding on my blog before but I knew I was still in that phase. How much clarity can I have on the topic if I am still immersed in it?

About a month into our hysterical bonding I told my husband I wanted to make love to him every day for the next year. He was both excited to hear me say that and flattered. This was one goal he was more than happy to see me reach. As we went through our year of sex, we often talked about how we felt and how we still couldn’t get enough of each other. We looked forward to making love every day. For many months we made love at least two times a day; once in the morning and then again before bed at night. If the kids were away, all bets were off as to how many times we would be intimate. We started talking more about our desires again, bringing fun and fantasy back into the bedroom.

I kept my vow and we made love/had sex/fucked every day for one year. Okay, there were probably about ten days during the entire year where we did not have sex but we always made up for those days. We also never went more than 2 ½ days without sex (we still haven’t gone longer than that as I type this entry). Right around the one year mark I realized I no longer needed the sex anymore but I wanted it. I believe this is when the hysterical bonding phase probably ended. But our sex drive has not diminished or decreased. We decided we would continue to have sex every day we could. Sex is more than the physicality of two bodies together; there is an intimacy of souls that evolves and emerges. I truly don’t believe this is true for all sex partners. I’ve had one other sexual partner in my life and it was truly just sex. There was nothing passionate or groundbreaking about our sex life. I think the same is true for my husband and his affair partner. Sometimes sex is just that, sex. The intimacy I share with my husband is only there because we have no walls between each other, no secrets, no boundaries and mostly, because we truly love each other.

It’s been almost eighteen months since my D-Day. The good news is that I don’t count the months anymore. I don’t even realize when I pass or reach a milestone any longer. But I just had to do quick mental calculation in order to figure out how long my husband and I have been making love every day. Honestly, I wish we had made this commitment when we first were married. Sex is important. Recent studies are revealing that regular sex is one of the most important factors in determining the happiness of a marriage. I guess we all know this deep down, but when we become burdened by the real world and all its stresses, sex is the first thing to be eliminated or reduced in marriage.

Committing to have sex every day with my husband brought us closer. We talk about everything. We have fun with each other. We can be dirty or romantic or try something new. We not only try new things but we have more intimate and honest conversations. Every day is amazing and I look forward to beginning each morning with my husband.

My desire for my husband cannot be measured and I hope I always remain insatiable.

morning sex ecard

41 thoughts on “Hysterical Bonding: Sex after the affair.

    • Just last night I said to my husband there is nothing HYSTERICAL about this! I don’t want it to end! Soooo…I’ll end with that!

  1. Finding a sex tape your husband made with a woman 15 years and 50 lbs lighter tends to stifle any urges to ever have sex with him again. We are 9 months in and I just discovered the sex tape 3 weeks ago.

  2. I agree! Having intimacy is paramount in recovery… I knew something was wrong because of “HOW” we were having sex. There was no tenderness anymore … I felt like I was getting fucked… the emotion was gone… that was my cue that something was wrong in our relationship. When asked later on, why? why was our good healthy sex life not enough, why would he cheat then come home to make love?
    He was honest, he said it was enough, that it was the affair that was not satisfying him. He wasn’t getting the emotional connection he needed from the affair…nor the sexual connection eventually.
    We haven’t gone to the extreme of every day but we make love regulary (no longer than 2 days is pretty accurate and works well for us) It’s been a few years but I still have a hard time “sexting” with him because I saw the texts he shared. Its hard knowing that he said the same things to me that he did to the “psycho-bitch”.
    Letting go is hard but when I wake and we are wrapped up in each other, it makes it easier to let a little go each day.

    • I understand what you mean by somethings are hard to do when you know they shared those thoughts or sayings with their affair partner. For me, email is hard. That’s how my husband primarily communicated. They texted quite a bit but I never saw those messages. He says they weren’t much of anything–who knows. I cannot care about that now. One of my issues is her name starts with a J and that’s how he addressed all emails to her with just the letter. I cannot separate the letter from thinking of her yet. Then I discovered a smiley face in my husband’s email messages is a J…. I was so pissed. Now I never send him smiley faces via email. So crazy the things our minds get stuck on.

      • I hear you. The other woman in my husband affair always signer her emails “love you and miss you.” I don’t want to use either of those when I text him…ever. Its like I need to find something that is “ours” now even though those type of comments belonged between us for 23+ years.

  3. Thank u. I have had hysterical bonding. I didn’t understand how I could want him after he fucked a woman who is so ugly and ten years older than me. I couldn’t believe the passion that was unleashed after the truth came out. After I had our doctors run STD test after all the tears. I thought there was something wrong with me. How could I desire this man that had hurt me that had sex with someone else, someone who went after him, who pretended to be my friend, a co worker. The funny thing is that after it all came out I put all the pieces together and I couldn’t believe my husband who was such a smart man didn’t get a clue. Everyone at his work did. The convos I had with the women workers who felt sorry for me were what I used to put the pieces together. Here is this man going through emotional crap. Money, his mom dying guilt for not spending time with her. Here comes this woman who became his best friend his confidant and followed me on fb to see what kind if mood I was in or my status so she could “be there for him”. This woman was married with kids. She made our lives hell. After she realized he decided to fight for me she did everything she could to destroy us. He lost his job. But sex was amazing between us, the passion I felt coming from him I actually think was what kept us going. What made me fight right along with him for us. He betrayed me and it took a while for me to fight for us. It took the hysterical bonding because I needed to feel wanted desired. I don’t know about u but sex was better than it had ever been after DDay. I will never defend him or not blame him but I have a client who was in a similar situation. She along with therapy and this blog helped me a great deal. She told me that my husband had been emotionally raped by the ow. I laughed at this but after finding out everything not only from him, her, her husband, fb, emails, text, the co workers my client was on point, I don’t use this as an excuse he could have said no but I did with my therapist help try to see it from the emotional rape perspective and I really believe that he was in a way emotionally rape. Karma is a bitch this woman will get hers I will not and never did anything against her. I just fell in love again. And we fuck like crazy. Thank u fifty shades of grey and thank u to u. U have no idea the amount of help u manage to do to my marriage, and this article is awesome..

    • Thank you. I like the term “emotionally rape” too. I feel like that really describes what Bat Shit did to my husband too. i will say that my husband is more emotionally honest and open than he has ever been in his life… Before the affair he kept his emotions on the inside, never showing any sadness, fear or pain. I love seeing him express himself openly now. I love when I see him get teary-eyed watching our children.
      Thank you…

    • Your story is very similar to what I went through this past summer with my husband. He had a complete mental break down. Had an affair with a coworker 14years older than the both of us. She was everything he hated in a woman but some how she exploited his weak state by saying I’m sure you’re a nice enough guy, life’s too short to be unhappy (this was after she asked why he looks upset all the time and he shared he was going through marital issues). Alcohol was a huge factor since they only seen each other at meetings once a week and he was invited for a drink at the bar with a group. He was flattered by her advances and in turn used her to secure a place to live since he erroneously concluded I, his wife, was the one breaking him. This all happened in a matter of two weeks. He moved in with her to escape from his responsibilities and instead opened up a new nightmare and hell for himself and drug the kids and I right down with him. He said she could have been any one. It really didn’t matter as long as he felt like he was doing what he thought needed to be done to break free from his life. (My story is so extremely long and detailed I’ll cut short it at this point) He slept with her after about 2 weeks of living with her because she implied she would kick him out if he didn’t (stupid him for believing that he couldn’t secure his own apartment but he did lose the job where they met and now was in search for new employment) Fast forward 1 month latter he was looking to come back to me. He was terrified that the issues in our marriage would restart so he kept her in the wing saying he got his own place (in reality it was ours) I found out and threw a fit, and he moved back in with her. 2 weeks later he’s back at it, trying to reconcile our marriage. Saying he’s made a horrible mistake. His attitude is now desperate not to lose me. He says he can’t live without me, he realises that, and he lost his damn mind, and is so sorry. I wait another month and a half before he moves in with me cause I was scared this time to be taken for a fool. We are now 4 months in to recovery and I still struggle with what had happened. But my husband has been the best he’s ever been caring loving attentive, just going above and beyond, which has been helpful in our recovery. The way he describes the situation he feels ashamed like he’s a prostitute or has been raped. He couldn’t even get fully hard for her (something she had confirmed when I had confronted her) when he never had erectile dysfunction when it came to me even during his false reconciliation. We’re only 29 when this happened. Had 3 kids and even celebrated our 4 year anniversary during the affair while he still lived with the gremlin as I like to call her. All of it disgusts me, the entire situation. I hope that soon we can heal completely from all this emotional trauma caused by the affair.

  4. So glad you posted this despite all the counseling and have read I never knew about hysterical bonding!! I thought I was going crazy…..Thank you!

  5. I’ll be honest. I am jealous. Being physically intimate is still a struggle for me – and D-Day was July 9th of last year. I “see” her everywhere. She was one of my closest friends and her company was our house cleaners. Literally, she was everywhere. And although we don’t talk about the affair much any more – it’s still there. And being physical is hard. I don’t have an urging desire to feel needed in that way, to need him in that way. I feel mad that he gave it to someone else within the boundaries of our marriage. Boundaries that are there for our protection and joy and love of not just us but our children. It’s such a betrayal. Maybe I’m crazy. I wish I did feel differently, maybe healing would speed up or something.

    • I can understand and I would be lying if I said I never had thoughts of his AP intrude my mind while we are having sex. Sometimes I have to change what we are doing altogether so that I don’t have those thoughts and sometimes I just remind myself to be in the moment. I think the reason I feel like I “need” sex with him is because during the affair I let go of that need. If we weren’t having a lot of sex it wasn’t a problem. But I noticed the less we had sex the less desirable I found my husband. We were just living together, raising kids and once or twice a month we were intimate. I think the lack of sex led us to both push away from the intimacy in our marriage and affect our self-esteem. We became too comfortable with our diminished sex life and it was an open door for Bat Shit. She knew my husband wanted more sex–he said it jokingly, except it wasn’t a joke. Now, I am sure there were other things that could have been better but I really feel like sexual intimacy grows the rest of marriage.
      But first you have to be comfortable with your husband again. You have to be willing to trust again and that is huge and not easy.

  6. Pingback: Surviving Infidelity Tantrums, Hysterical Bonding, and Date Night round 2 | How To Not Hate My Husband

  7. It’s crazy how much this resonates with whats taking place in my life now!I’ve been searching the net for answers to whats got me behaving so sexually primal! .I just recently moved to california ,I’ve been off of the market for yeeeeears,married my high school sweet heart,we’ve been together for close to 18 years,back where I’m from she’s hailed as the image of what a lady is supposed to be like, a type of mother Teresa,VERY quiet,(indian heritage)will not look at another man,has intamate talks with God! We love God,were involved closely in our church back home, where I taught bible study on fridays,we attended sunday,and wed as well. I’m a very determined and driven business man,so we’ve had plans all of our lives to set certain steps into place and establish MASS SUCCESS!!

    I designed a software that a lot of influential people started flying me back and forth to California.So we decided to just move out that way,thing is her job transfer demanded she go right away or take a pay cut,so she had to go 5 months before me/us(kids),then we reunited,and 3weeks ago,I lose very sensitive software records I kept on my phone,so I download a software that retrieves erased messages on phones,and after I retrieved the info on my phone,just tinkering around I hooked her phone up to the laptop/message retrieval software for no reason at all,and discovered text messages that indicated she’d been having an affair (one act of sex,at a hotel that she paid for because he couldnt afford to,and occasional random kissing and flirting in the work place) for around 4 months before I came out to join her,and intimate text messages as previous as 3weeks ago..(2days before getting caught).

    MY ENTIRE WORLD,AND LIFES PLANS INSTANTLY TURNED UPSIDE DOWN!!!.My life was built around her, So I just went from ***** ****** just becoming a shareholder in my company,and life plans with my wife, to, INSTANTLY OUT OF THE BLUE, LOST/SHATTERED!!!

    THE CRAZY PART…altho I dont know what our future now holds,its been a month since the night I found out,(20 minutes after bible study), and from that night..we have had sex EVERY day,mostly 2 times a day,sometimes 3,each time lasting no less than LITERALLY,40 minutes minimal,and I’m somewhat of a blessed man 14″ (please,please forgive the bluntness and detail) and unlike the norm before the affair,now she allows me to put my entire self within her which before,for YEARS was not tolerated/a NOGO,let alone for an entire 40plus minutes at a time,2-3 times a day.

    Now where I understand that her new endurance might be her trying to go above and beyond to right a SEVERE wrong,what I dont get is,me going from 1-2,and OCCASSIONALLY 3 times a week,for 10-15 minutes each time,to EVERY single day,2-3 times a day for 40 minutes minimum(not including foreplay)with some one that just hurt me the equivalent of a relative dying. Gonna do more research into this Hysterical bonding,I know that somethings going on:)

  8. This post has given me relief, hope and happiness. My husband and I are everything each other needs, we just let life and stress get in the way as well. I found your blog from googling why I wanted him so badly now and why the sex is so incredible. I haven’t had orgasms like this in *years*. He’s so tender and I’m insatiable. It’s fantastic to know I’m not crazy, but that this is a stage of healing and it’s a reminder of why we have been together so long.
    As far as the emails/texts, I feel that too. I can’t use certain smiley faces either of them sent to each other or certain phrases. But that’s okay. I have my soulmate back and lost some emoticons. I hate that it had to get so bad to get so good, but at least we got here….together.

  9. thank you for posting this. I thought i was going crazy or that I had lost my self respect. The day he asked for a separation was the day we started having the best sex of our lives. It’s because of the sex that he revealed the affair with ow. It’s because of the sex that he ended the affair with ow. It has only been 1 month since he asked to separate and I hope it never ends.

  10. Its unfortunate that this type of thing cant occur prior to or without an affair being the catalyst. I think its the sheer honesty and vulnerability combined with the break in marital fusion that causes spouses to lust for one another again.

  11. Thank you for giving me a name for what is happening! D Day was just over 3 weeks ago. My husband was fucking our au pair so it happened in this house under my nose. I kicked them both out but he is begging me to take him back. I’m still on the horrible emotional rollercoaster ride of grief, anger and numbness but when he was babysitting our two girls the other night I came home and jumped him. I’ve found excuses to invite him over ever since so the sex is now daily. To begin with it was just sex, and I told myself I just needed to feel good after feeling so crap for weeks, and often I would cry afterwards as I realised that he had done that with “her”. But now it’s something more and I think we are “connecting” again. I’m terrified of what that means as I always thought I couldn’t take him back. But I’m not so sure anymore.

    • I had the same reactions sometimes after sex. I would cry because I connected sex with his affair. If you do cry, I hope you are talking to your husband about what you are feeling. It’s very important to communicate even in those very low points. Eventually, I was able to disconnect sex from thoughts of his affair completely. Your brain can only focus on one thought at a time–make it a good one. Don’t allow yourself to dwell on the painful images or thoughts that will pop into your mind. I often found that if something kept occurring in my mind that if I talked to my husband about it he could dispel what I felt. Sometimes the truth was very far from what I thought or feared. Take care of yourself. Be aware of how you feel and what you need.

  12. I thought i was going crazy until i read all these posts. Its been a month since I found out about my husband’s affair. We are separated at the moment to figure out what each of us wants. He says he doesn’t know what he wants. I haven’t felt like this in so long, longing for him and wanting to have sex with him. I feel weird after doing it and kinds of worthless, is this normal? I want to work on our marriage. Everytime he comes to see the kids we have sex.

  13. This post has made me not feel so crazy. I’m 7 mos out from d-day and some days it hits like the words were just spoken again for the first time..
    The day I told my husband I was pregnant with our second (planned) child, he told me he didn’t love me anymore and thought it would be best of we didn’t go through with the pregnancy… Devastated is an understatement.
    A week later I found OW letters to my husband, bringing light to his affair that had happened for a good part of last year. In the letters she talked about missing their baby (she terminated) and that she couldn’t wait till they could really start a family of their own…. I have no idea what he tools her, or what picture he painted of our marriage but I do know she knew about me and in the further conversations I found on skype she frequently asked why he hadn’t left me yet. When I confronted my husband about the affair he was angry that I had gone through his things… He later apologized but doesn’t SHOW much remorse.
    It was beyond confusing to me that after discovering the affair and him telling me that though he loved me, he wasn’t “in love” with me anymore, I was so physically attracted to him. For the first few days I cried each time we had sex, I couldn’t control it. It was heartbreaking that we could connect so well having sex but otherwise we were crumbling.
    Fast forward to now, we are still working on things and we are still having regular, amazing sex. We have 10 weeks left till our baby is due, which he did apologize for the initial reaction and is excited. I have had a roller coaster of emotions about the baby because of what’s been going on between my husband and I, but I’m an getting more excited to meet my little one.
    I still have trouble with the affair sometimes and have a really hard time not constantly thinking he’s doing it again.
    I certainly didn’t mean to be so long winded, this post just really hit home.

    • Wow – that’s an incredible story. My latest post is about my struggle with trust that crept back in the other day. It’s hard to manage the triggers and emotions that surface post-D-day. I hope you can focus on your beautiful baby and let your love bring the healing you all need.

      I wish you and your husband and soon-to-be bundle of joy all the best. 🙂

  14. I’m nEw to this 2 weeks in. I first need to stop seeing in my minds eye. The hurt is still so deep and painful. When we have a conversation about it. It’s always well you were not giving it to me I had to go somewhere and I got tired of masturbating. I have so many health issues that the sex gets buried in it. So, I really don’t know what to do. I have read a lot of articles this evening. The ones I really don’t understand is about the Hysterical Bonding. I don’t want to be touch right now and that just fuels the fire of why he strayed in the first place. I found out about this affair on my 60th Birthday 07/11. Because the woman started stalking him. So, he had no choice but to tell me what was going on. And he still
    Lied to me about the situation. Finally I ask him what is really going on because this don’t seem right then and only then did he admit to having a affair. My day was ruined. So, I am still dealing with this. I lost and don’t know what to do other that Pray.

  15. Ah, the affair destroyed my marriage. It’s hard to explain. She said she wanted to experiment. I offered to let her have a vacation and do whatever. Try swinging. Maybe in another city or on vacation. She said nope, she was going to have a boyfriend in town and my job was to keep it secret and pay the bills. I said fuck no. She treated me like shit for months afterwards.

    She wanted a divorce. Started cheating with her friends husband and eventually filed for divorce. I could forgive her for cheating, but not for breaking up another family / marriage with kids involved. After a few months she came crawling back and while I wanted her more than ever she had crossed so many lines and caused so much pain to myself, my kids and our friends…

    Too many lines crossed. I still wonder sometimes what if I let her fuck around, but no. Not worth it. Glad you guys could make it work.

  16. Hysterical bonding is the only upside of this whole god awful mess! I was so hurt and angry at my wayward husband, although he only slept with the OW twice (one visit) I think that has maybe made me less sexually hurt than others? Although before he did this we had only ever been with each other so it does devastate me that he would go out and do what he did. I was sure there was something wrong with me. I can barely focus on anything but being with him. We had a very playful sexually tense weekend and ended up confessing to one another how much we still wanted each other. After sex the first time I thought I would feel guilty or dirty or like I gave in and rewarded his bad behavior but the sex and intimacy is so good right now I just have no shame. I’ve thought twice about what happened between them when we were in bed, but two encounters in one day could hardly mean that his full rag of tricks was on display. Although I don’t think our marriage will continue (the OW is pregnant and will not terminate. How did THAT happen with a condom and only twice?!) I’m going to enjoy the fun while I can. No shame!

  17. I just had this. I had my D-Day last Wednesday the 16th of November. I went home wanted to pack my bags and leave him alone. Thought about my kids who are still young and still need my care. We went to see the doctor same day as I was mad as heel so he was doing anything I was demanding. When we came back from the doctor I took a bottle of wine to the bedroom and started drinking and one glass I was loosing it already I wanted him so bad. I thought it was wine on me . The next day I didn’t have any alcohol but the desire was so strong. We had a good love making session.

    On Friday Morning he was going on a business trip, before he left for the airport we had a very hot steamy session. I cried tears because I was so confused , what was happening to me how can I want him after all the pain and trouble he cause for our family. When he came back the look he gave me, holly molly I could literally eat him all night long.
    Sunday same thing happened he took me out for dinner and bought me a new ring and put it on my finger as I’ve removed my wedding band. When we came back he took me to bed and him holding me I just melted in his arms.

    I though I was loosing my marbles and getting mad. This blog has helped me in a great deal.
    Funny enough even today I still want him so bad. Not sure how long this will last but I know I want him with my all.

  18. Thank you for this. I found out a week ago about my husband’s affair and I have not been able to satiate my sexual desires for him. I’m glad to know I am not alone.

  19. Hi. I just recently found your blog. I was going crazy trying to figure out what is/was wrong with me. I’m 4 weeks since D day and this post made me feel a bit better knowing that I am not the only one who has gone through it/is going through it. I hate that I am going through this right now, most especially because I am 7 months pregnant and completely emotional. Deep inside part of me is angry that I didn’t just give him the boot considering the time he chose to do this. Of course, he wasn’t planning on being discovered. If I think too much of certain things, I get angry and depressed. I am hoping with time I won’t feel the way I feel right now. But somehow, being close to him, having him hold me and when we are intimate, it makes me feel better. It makes me feel like he truly wants and needs me. I even have a hard time when he is tired and wants to sleep instead of getting intimate. I can’t go one day without something it seems. It’s crazy. I know I am wearing him out but I don’t care. I’m glad to know I am not the only one going through the exact same thing though. I keep wondering when it will end. I think a part of me is also scared of going even 1-3 days without sex, thinking he will go find someone else again. I also think part of me is trying to “claim” him as my own again. Marking my territory? I don’t think I am done yet. I am not sure when I will be done. Maybe when the trust starts coming back? When I can officially “let go” and breathe a little more? Anyways, thanks for this blog.

  20. Wow this was a great blog my eyes were totally glued to it!! Lol! Glad to see theres a name for it because im experiencing it right now. I want ro screw the SHIT out of my husband everyday but its been too recent since I found out about the affair & I will feel more comfortable once we get tested. But im so glad to finally read about someone who actually wanted the sex. I was beginning to think I was just going crazy lol

  21. This is exactly what I needed to see right now. We agreed right away (After the initial crying and screaming), that we still loved each other and needed to go to counseling to address the problems we had before the cheat. I said at first that I didn’t know how soon I would be able to be truly intimate again, and he began to withdraw – the lack of intimacy, the feelings of being unwanted, were key in the development into full blown infidelity. And I thought back to our early days, when we would f*** out the frustration and then talk to each other about the issues that caused him. And I told him, “you know what? F*** being afraid of her. You’re mine and I am going to earn you back. Let’s do it.” It was awkward at first. We almost stopped. But then we went back to the bedroom and had the best sex in years. Maybe ever. We tried new things. It was amazing.

    I read about hysterical bonding and worried that this will fade and we will slip back into a passionless relationship that will eventually wither. But I believe that with therapy and continued, consistent, physical intimacy (which we’ve had no shortage of in the days since), that we can reach a point where hysterical bonding turns to genuinely rekindled loving bonding.

    Thank you so much for sharing this.

  22. Well, I get the hysterical bonding feeling thing because Im feeling it now.
    My D day was 1 week ago. We’ve been married 21 yrs. Good sex up till about 2 yrs ago after 3 terrible deaths in our families the sex was hit & miss.
    He travels to the same place for his job each week & I suspected something was up 5 wks ago when he changed passwords on his phones & vehemently refused to reveal them to me.
    When I got the truth, it was a trashy ugly bartender at the hotel he stays in.
    She has targeted him for a better life. He was flattered & excited by all the attention she showered on him.
    He swears they never “got it in” because he couldn’t get it hard because he felt so horrible about betraying me. From the last text messages between them, he’s telling the truth. Just a few heavy make out sessions & she blew him incessantly trying to get it hard to no avail.
    I want sex BAD with him but can’t, I did however invite him to watch me masturbate with our new sex toy i ordered before i realized he was actually cheating.
    I’ll tell ya, he has NO problem getting hard now. Maybe soon he and I can get it in but not until I’m past the images of him rolling around with trash & his lies.

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