Live beyond the walls.

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Live beyond the walls.

7 thoughts on “Live beyond the walls.

  1. How very true! Amazing how choices in behaviour have so much impact on our lives. If only i could take the walls around me, if only i could forget! If only i could stop having these bad triggers daily of why did she make my husband feel so great? Why did he give her his time? Why didnt he come to me? Why wasnt I enough for him? Will i ever be enough in the future? These questions drive me crazy and it has been over a year. If only i could move on, if only i could stop these visions of them two together. How could he not think of me when this was happening? He tells me he loves me!! How on earth can you say you love n do this with a woman you hardly know because she filled his void and talked him up. I try to understand but will never get how anyone could be so cruel, especially my husband. I pray and ask God for me to be forgiving and to take these thoughts away. I wish so badly the walls could be taken down and i could move on an be able to feel secure and have trust in my husband. I would never imagined that this could create so much damage in so many peoples lives by a selfish mistake, the shock, the betrayal, the lies makes me still sick to this day.I hope the walls will one day be removed and i could actually smile again and have the security in my husband. Thanks so much for this blog!!

    • Candice…I am sorry and hear the anguish in your post..I know the feeling well…I am 17 months out…It is still hard but the farther out we are the more healing there is…My husband has been on the right track since discovery and that has helped with letting the “light” in again in our relationship…I hate that this is now part of our journey BUT it is…now it is what we do with it that will determine the rest of our lives together and that is and always was the plan…I am slowly but surely tearing down the walls and the warmth from the light feels safer …slowly but surely…

  2. Candice – Maybe it’s selfish but I think the scars we carry are deeper and longer lasting than those of our husbands or their APs. My foundation and identity were shaken to the core. I alone carry the lingering doubts and mistrust of not just my husband but my own judgement. I can never anticipate when my day will be brought down by sudden “flashbacks” and I’m bitter that I am the only one forced to live with this disabling scar. Some days I can fight them off with mental images of locking the flashbacks in a box. I know that if I can’t learn to manage them I will sabotage any chance of healing my marriage. I have to be strong enough to make a choice to overcome the flashbacks. Some days I can do it, some days I cry, some days I get angry, some days I pray for the strength to let go of the bitterness but mostly I’ve learned I will heal on my own time

  3. Thank you Hopefull for your words of encouragement. My husbands affair was just one lie. I am also coming to terms with him having an a emotional affair with his first love for 18 yrs. It has just been lie after lie for yrs. It took me my whole marriage to realise he still couldnt get over his first love. He says he just kept her as a friend, if this is so, why such betrayal, why did i not know? Was our marriage a complete lie? I know i must sound like poor old me, but i will never understand any of it. Is he in love her? Is he not IN LOVE with me? These answers i will never know as he is so good at lying!! How many years do i have to wait until i can see he loves me? He says he does, but why so many lies? I know i sound desperate, its because i am!! I have kept his secrets from all our friends and family except for my mother and children, so basically only they know and our councellor. How do you forget the pain he has caused? I love him so much but than i think of the hurt and ask why all over again? Any words of wisdom to pull these walls down?

  4. I hope you will accept thoughts from a married man who has repeatedly wanted other women… Not a confession, but just sharing by adding a view from the other side. Married for 30 years, I love my wife and could not imagine causing the pain many of you describe on this blog. As I read the posts here I realize I never considered that such pain might occur. Am I cold? Uncaring? Oblivious? I am not sure. I certainly do not feel like I am any of the three. What I do know is that I have a loving caring relationship and could never replace the emotional bonds I have with my wife – she makes me whole – and I suspect the reason all of you are working through the pain I read here is that similar very strong emotional bonds exist. I also think a lot of marriages lack that bond, and those are the marriages that break under any of many pressures. Perhaps built on physical and maybe convenience, they lack the strength to survive turmoil. So if the emotional bond is so good, why chase another woman? Is there something missing as many of these posts strive to understand? In my case, while our physical needs vary and often differ, I am not driven by something missing. For sure there are unfulfilled fantasies, but I think everything could be perfect every day and I would still have desire. Let’s be clear, I am not a stalker or pervert or lusting after just any woman I see. In 30 years of marriage I have truly wanted just a few other women. Years have gone by without meeting someone alluring, and I am never really looking for someone, but it happens and when a special someone has entered my life, I live on the edge. Filled with desire, seeking to create a special liaison. Not a quick fuck. Not a parallel life. But something special for sure. There is some kind of fulfillment by the flirting, dreaming, and yes, scheming. It does not diminish anything I feel for my wife, if that makes sense. It is not about her or what she did or did not do – this is my issue. Feeling a great spark inside, getting pleasure from reciprocal feelings. Some of these “encounters” went nowhere, some crossed a line, none have lasted for years. Sometimes I have wondered why the OW is doing it, but those thoughts never really stay long – I guess she is like me – living for that moment. That lightning bolt. That special liaison. Sometimes opportunities never line up – it takes willingness times two, plus time & place… Does it matter how these episodes evolved, consummated or not? With each I surely wanted something to happen. Is the strong desire for another woman any different than actually sleeping with her? Would my wife be any less hurt? As I get older I know time will run out, I will be too old and ugly or worse, this will all lead to disaster – I do not want that – I really don’t. But then why do I do it? Is it nature? Or just my nature? From my eyes it is not betrayal and lies. I want, I need that special liaison, that lightning bolt, does it matter why? I love my wife very very much, and it has been years since I have wanted someone else. But now I have met another… and so it starts again – back to living on the edge, all consuming, wanting, hoping… and still even I do not know why.

  5. I hope you will accept a post from a married man who has repeatedly wanted other women… Not a confession by any means, but just sharing in the discussion by adding a view from the other side. Married for 30 years, I love my wife and could not imagine causing the pain many of you describe on this blog. As I read the posts here I realize I never considered that such pain might occur. Am I cold? Uncaring? Oblivious? I am not sure. I certainly do not feel like I am any of the three. What I do know is that I have a loving caring relationship and could never replace the emotional bonds I have with my wife – she makes me whole – and I suspect the reason all of you are working through the pain I read here is that similar very strong emotional bonds exist. I also think a lot of marriages lack that bond, and those are the marriages that break under any of many pressures. Perhaps built on physical and maybe convenience, they lack the strength to survive turmoil. So if the emotional bond is so damn good, why chase another woman? Is there something lacking as many of these posts strive to understand? In my case, while our physical needs vary and often differ, I am not driven by something lacking. For sure there are unfulfilled fantasies, but I think I could get laid every day and still have the same desire. Let’s be clear, I am not a stalker or pervert or lusting after just any woman I see. In 30 years of marriage I have truly wanted just a few other women. Years have gone by without meeting someone alluring, and I am never really looking for one, but then when one has entered my life, I live on the edge. Filled with desire, seeking to create a special liaison. Not a quick fuck. Not a parallel life. But something special for sure. There is some kind of fulfillment by the flirting, dreaming, and scheming. It does not diminish anything I feel for my wife, if that makes sense. It is not about her or what she did or did not do – this is my issue. Feeling a great spark inside, getting pleasure from reciprocal feelings. Some went nowhere, some crossed a line, none have lasted for years. Sometimes I have wondered why the OW is doing it, but those thoughts never really stay long – I guess she is like me – living for that moment. That lightning bolt. That special liaison. Sometimes opportunities never line up – it takes willingness times two, plus time & place… Does it matter how these episodes evolved? I surely wanted something to happen. Is the strong desire for another woman any different than actually sleeping with her? Would my wife be any less hurt? As I get older I know this game will run out, I will be too old and ugly or worse, this will all lead to disaster – I do not want either – I really don’t. But then why do I do it? Is it nature? Or just my nature? I want that special liaison, that lightning bolt, but without the disaster, does it matter why? I love my wife very very much, and it has been years since I have wanted someone else. But now I have met another woman… now it starts again – back to living on the edge, all consuming and still not knowing why.

    • It’s interesting you use the phrase ‘lightening bolt’. A lightening bolt can provide a harmless jolt or destroy a tree or a home’s entire electrical system. I find it concerning that the high you are looking for outweights the possible consequences to your marriage, wife and others. Your needs being placed above those of the woman you describe as making you whole. You can’t imagine causing her pain similar to mine however you end your post reaffirming your intent to risk it all for the lightening bolt. You present your wife, whom you speak so lovingly about, as simply collateral damage in your search for the ‘lightening bolt”. It is for her sake that I hope she remains blissfully unaware that you willingly and purposely risk it all for the high. I don’t wish my pain on my worst enemy including the OW.

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