Navigating

I followed the sound of the hockey game into our bedroom last night. It’s the NHL playoffs and our home team was playing. I would never label myself a hockey fan but when you live in Boston you inherently become a Patriots/Red Sox/Celtics/Bruins fan. I stepped into the bedroom and saw my husband folding laundry with his eyes focused on the television. I had just come home and had two cocktails in me so I fell down onto the bed, atop all the laundry and positioned my head right under my husband’s crotch. In this moment I was teasing him, although if he asked me, I would have happily pleasured him. I looked up into his eyes as he dropped the t-shirt he was folding and placed his hands aside my head.

“I love this position,” I said.

“I’m not sure who enjoys it more,” my husband responded.

“Can you imagine a position we haven’t tried yet?”

He smiled and replied: “I don’t think there are any left. We’ve done everything I can think of.”

I smiled and rose to my knees to kiss his lips. My thoughts were drifting; after all, those two mojitos were floating through me. I felt good. I picked up a pair of black lace panties my husband recently gave me and displayed them on my fingertips for him. “I love these.” I remarked.

“I love taking them off of you,” he said.

And then, in a moment of cocktail euphoria, I began a conversation that had an uncharted course. “You know, if you had never met me you would never have seen a woman in panties like these. I mean, in real life. All your previous lovers wore cotton panties. I wonder how many men have never been with a woman wearing sexy panties. I just realized how many men don’t have the pleasure that you do.”

I kept folding laundry as I spoke and I heard a little voice in my head warn me: Watch where you are going. But I didn’t listen.

“I think we are lucky. We are so sexually compatible. I could have told a million men that I wanted to be handcuffed and they wouldn’t have responded or pushed my fantasies further. It always felt like you were waiting for me to come along in your life. I mean, you can sexually do anything with another person but it will never compare to what we share.  “ [here we go] “It’s like kissing someone and not feeling that rush. Why kiss them again? I couldn’t be in a relationship with a bad kisser or with someone that I wasn’t completely sexually compatible with. We have something special and I doubt something like this comes along twice. You know?”

Then I saw my husband’s face change and I realized the conversation had turned the corner. I knew I should have stopped talking but those two cocktails were like truth serum. His eyes were on me as the hockey game played in the background. Then he turned to put his clothes away in the closet.

“I’m not trying to drag up anything.” [and then I started back-peddling but it was too late] “I just was thinking about how many men probably wish they have what you have. You are lucky, you know. You have a hot wife that wears sexy lingerie, will try anything in bed and she adores you. You have it all.”

And then, standing in the middle of our closet he said: I do have it all. I always knew I had everythng I wanted and more but my narcissistic needs told me I needed more.

That wasn’t the direction I thought the conversation was going. I wasn’t picking a fight or trying to spark a conversation about the affair. I was [drunkenly] pondering the fact that my husband was lucky to have me because I love being his fantasy. But he brought up a good point.

What makes us think we deserve more, even when we know we have more than we ever wanted or dreamed?

What makes a person risk everything they hold sacred in their life?

I think we never consider the risks of betrayal, only the immediate gratification. It’s a secret box stored on a shelf. A box we not only want but begin to believe we deserve. Temptation is a power that taunts our vulnerabilities and entices our insecurities. I often wonder if my husband’s betrayal damaged his psyche more than mine or our marriage. Relationships with other people heal or you close the door and move on. The view you have of your own character when forced to really look in the mirror is a much harsher and difficult to escape. I know he needs to reconcile his actions with himself but I don’t think he ever expected he would face this mirror when he began his secret relationship with Bat Shit. I don’t think he ever thought anyone would find out or that it would last longer than one encounter. I don’t think he ever thought I would read his email messages to her. It was all part of the temptation. Preserving the temptation kept him involved in the affair. Yet, why are we all tempted at one point or another to believe we can have more than we need or want?

I realize this affair is never going to be swept under the rug and forgotten. It’s embedded in our relationship. Sometimes I still wish it didn’t always have to be there, lurking under innocent [or not so innocent] conversations. It’s funny how things can feel so normal but then one word can bring up emotions that you thought were resolved.

Freud Quote

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24 thoughts on “Navigating

  1. So very true. Always lurking…everywhere, not fair. I’m sory your night eneded on that note. But the beginning sounds as though you two are otherwise doing very well. Playfulness is there, thats wonderful. Next time will be better. 🙂

    • Right (I did trigger him)? He told me it’s emotionally draining to talk about the affair. I think some of it is because he’s always tried to keep his emotions locked up. One of the best things that has happened post D-Day is that my husband is more open with his emotions with me and everyone. He’s working in therapy to understand everything more and I see a difference.

  2. Your description of the timeline since your discovery is very close to what I wish to say . Your blog would make a good book. Raw, real, and honest.

  3. Call me weird but I’ve never been tempted. Seeing a handsome man is just like seeing a nice piece of art in a gallery, it doesn’t make me want it because it’s just a “look”, not a person. And when I find a person who is “attractive” I just think of my single friends and setting them up, or it’s just nice to meet good people. It doesn’t make me want them. Because I’m married. It’s not an option. What makes it an option for some? I don’t know. It is anathema to me. Always was, even when I was single. I really loved my ex and maybe he would have cheated on his girl with me once. But I didn’t want him to. Because then I wouldn’t have loved him, he wouldn’t have been worth anything. Maybe I’m weird, but it was never an option.

  4. “The view you have of your own character when forced to really look in the mirror is a much harsher and difficult to escape”

    I completely agree, it’s suck to be a betrayed spouse but at least i don’t have to stare at myself in the mirror and being completely ashamed and full of guilt.
    We as human are responsible for our actions and these actions can’t be undone. You just have to live with it

  5. I think we as humans ( this is just my opinion). We are never truly satisfied with anything. We always want more! Whether it be in our income, clothes, tv choices, dining out, marriage, kids , friends etc. While dealing with my husbands affair he gave the same reason yours did. He was selfish and nothing was good enough for him at the dark moment in his life. When I look at it, I am that way within myself in some areas in my life! However that’s when we need to slow down and look and be thankful for the things we do have and the grace that is given to us even when we are too busy to notice. Being thankful everyday, even just for the little things should help in times when we feel something isn’t going to be enough. The fact that we are still standing not always strong but still able to push through, makes me thankful even though at times it can be painful!

  6. So true. Hate how the most innocent conversations, experiences, moments, etc. can trigger something that leads down the emotional drain pipe. I suppose that never goes away. Fucking sucks–I battle it daily myself, although the only thing I’ve ever seen trigger my husband is me being upset. I think if it wasn’t for my meltdowns this whole thing would be a long forgotten memory by now for him.

    • I relate to what you just wrote. My husband says if I can just forget, and focus on the good we will.be ok. For me it’s so hard cause for a year til may 2nd ,2014 the day our daughter was born he lied, and was very deceitful. Kept in touch with AP up to that point. Now he says it’s completely over, how do I know..I don’t…there’s a lot of triggers for.me about his affair especially his job.its even has affected me sexually. I don’t feel worthy and have low self esteem now. 33 years old and I have lost who I am..I am not even sure anymore. Who I am..

  7. now that my husbands cheating has made air – even after he said “you’re all I ever wanted” -even called me a ‘freak in the bedroom’ all that “fantastic stuff” he wanted, but yet, goes and does whomever, but apparently, I’m supposed to be “all he ever wanted”…but I digress (on paper).. I can’t even wear heels, jewelry without thinking “why bother…I’m a slut” ..I tried to wear heels the other day (I’ve worn heels almost all my life; worked in them, just casual, all that) and I couldn’t do it… I felt like “her”.. I went to ask “his approval”; you know “do this look good on me..” and all I could see was this look of “why that?!”.. the look of not disgust but almost like he wanted to say don’t bother, but didn’t. And yes, I said something.. and of course, I was overreacting; reading too much into it. The affairs never came up. Triggers were never turned.. just his looks..

    hell, just the other day I was putting on nail polish and I asked what color he likes, and he said “why does it matter, I can’t see it in the dark anyway” w. t. f. does that mean. I said <- that, and "why the hell does it matter?! I do this for me.." but still.. down deep, I'm the one that feels like I don't deserve anything.. not even mascara because "you don't need that! you're pretty without it" …wow thanks for the mixed signals. he's the type that says one thing, does something else… a top class Hypocrite.

  8. Your husband sounds like he hit the jackpot with you : ) And yet, even with everything he had, it didn’t stop him from screwing around. God that bloody hurts. Stay strong. xo

  9. I think those Mojitos were just what the doctor ordered! Sometimes the best conversations happen when someone’s inhibitions are suppressed. I read this as progress and positive on his end. His admission is healthy! Thank him for opening up and recognize his pain. It will encourage him to be open in the future! 🙂

  10. You hit the nail on the head: “It will never be swept under the rug.” Indeed, we cannot just simply “get over an affair”, rather we must get through it…that’s the journey of healing. Reading your blog, I admire your honesty during this process of recovery, and glad to see you list BAN as a key resource for survival 🙂

    Laura
    Executive Director
    Infidelity Counseling Network
    http://www.infidelitycounselingnetwork.org

  11. It has been 4yrs since our D-Day. We still have conversations about it. I think we had that exact conversation…while HE was folding laundry as well. HAHA
    There are times when the talks are very candid, others are a walking on eggshells then of course there are the all out “lets not raise our voices but let me get my point across”. I believe it still hits my DH that he could have actually lost me as his wife. We have moments of doubt & weakness when we ask each other “am I still the one for you?” I used to think, he was my soulmate, not perfect but perfect for me. I don’t believe he is perfect in any form now. He is imperfect and I need to recognize he has needs, as do I, we are not the perfect couple. But we love each other and we try to meet each others needs and expectations. Sometimes that is the best you can do.

    • So well said, Smartee. I smiled as read your comment because I can relate to everything you wrote. I often question that exact same thought–is there really such a thing as a soulmate? I’ve started and ended that post many times without conclusion. Yet.

  12. I’ve thought about your comment about the definition of our marriage, and I think it may be that I now know that if he ever detached himself from me/us again, then that will be the end for me. I’m not necessarily suggesting an affair.
    One of the things I’ve noticed in blogs is that there is a feeling that the wayward spouse’s needs were not being met, but in our case, and I would guess many others, when you really examine the situation, my husband had stopped meeting my and our children’s needs way before any infidelity occurred. I have accepted that I had truly given up that my needs were going to be met, but I was still fighting for my children having a connection with him. I still hoped for the fantasy that he would become the man I thought I had married. I guess my discomfort is in the fact that I’m no longer willing to stay unless he stays connected, and this doesn’t match my pre Dday definition of marriage. I think there is a focus on whether the wayward spouse remains faithful, but for me, it’s much more about whether he can be emotionally connected in the way I need him to be. I worry that my commitment is not what it should be.
    On Mother’s Day, our oldest told me she is still struggling with forgiveness. She said that it helps that she sees that her dad is making me happy, but do I realize that I was a single mom for years. I do, and I think that is the hard part. Overcoming the infidelity is only part of it. Overcoming what occurred prior to the infidelity, and accepting that you were willing to stay during that time is almost more difficult.
    Not sure this matches your post, but you have me thinking, which is a good thing.

    • I so can relate to this. I single parented a very difficult special needs child for years while my husband stopped meeting my needs and our child’s needs. I would start my day at 5:30 am so that I would be able to get everything done and get my son to school on time and make it to work on time. My husband would roll out of bed at about 7:45 am, around the time I was leaving the house with our son. At night he would stay out with friends or coworkers lying to me about where he was and what he was doing, and I would put my son to bed alone. He’d get home very often after 10 pm and want sex, and I was too exhausted to give it to him most of the time. When the affair occurred, he blamed me for not meeting his needs and said that I treated him “like a paycheck”. I told him that he treated himself like a paycheck, that there was nothing I wanted more than for him to be there and to be involved in our family, and that I never got that from him. My husband has done a complete 180 and is honestly a dream husband, but after so many years of such maltreatment it is hard for me to just forgive and forget. I wish I could. I sooo agree with you–if my husband ever checks out physically/mentally/emotionally again on me or our family, I will be gone in a heartbeat. I feel weak and stupid for the years that I spent toiling away as his nanny, housekeeper, and prostitute.

      • Oh my goodness – YES. Yes, yes, yes. It is NOT a singular focus. I was the sole income provider for years – and basically a single parent – and head housekeeper, cook, etc. It was exhausting. And to have someone come home drunk and wake me up at 2:00 am or for me to wake up at 2:00 am and wonder where my husband was…. but yes, I pushed him away. Even when he takes full responsibility, which he does every time, there is this caveat. It makes my blood boil.

        This paragraph hit the nail on the head: “I realize this affair is never going to be swept under the rug and forgotten. It’s embedded in our relationship. Sometimes I still wish it didn’t always have to be there, lurking under innocent [or not so innocent] conversations. It’s funny how things can feel so normal but then one word can bring up emotions that you thought were resolved.”

        It’s always lurking. Every time. And so friggin annoying. I want to forget the pain, forget her, forget him, just forget and you never can. Even so long afterwards. An affair changes the course forever – even through healing, and I hate it. To be honest.

    • Hi,
      I do relate to a lot of what you are saying. The definition of marriage does change after infidelity. Whether we choose to stay or leave the marriage–we are forever changed. I feel very similarly to you about emotional needs being met now being critical. There has to be some detachment from your family and spouse to make room for another person in your life. Especially, when that person requires you to lie and deceive your family. It’s all very complicated.

  13. Pingback: Navigating | Kinkementary Affair Dating Blog | Secret Love Affair - Adultery Dating

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