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Nothing ever goes away…

12 thoughts on “Nothing ever goes away…

    • That made me laugh. I wonder that too. But when I set my bruised ego aside, more like stomped upon,I have learned some valuable life lessons. It humbled me in a way I guess I needed, I thought unconditional love only existed between mother and child. This self sacrifice it feels like,has shown me just how much I do love my husband. I used to show my love based upon how loved I felt. Did he tell me how pretty I was the other night or that he appreciated the dinner I cooked ? If not I would pout, maybe ignore his request for me to drop off/pick up his nice shirts from the cleaners. It has taught me to have compassion, to love him when he isn’t being loveable. And it has answered some questions that were there from the start of our relationship when 3 months in I realized I was pregnant with our son, who is now 15. Was he really with me because he loves me or he feels he had to be? Now I know, the OW begged him to leave me and promised to be and do everything I wasn’t. My husband hand wondered if I really was in love with him because of my battle with bipolar depression and the times I was so withdrawn, he took it personally like my love for him and his for me should be enough to keep the depression away. Surprisingly, I have had no room in my life for depression anymore. I have decided that I will chase down happiness and throw myself on top and hold it down so it can’t get away if I have to. This affair destroyed an already destructive marriage. maybe it was a blessing, definatley a new beginning.

      • I can see where you might wonder if his love was true int hat situation. I probably would have too. We don’t have bipolar here, but the PTSD is definitely a handful itself. Glad I could make you laugh. 🙂

    • There are lessons I’ve learned that I don’t know if I could have learned them any other way. I wish I never had to experience my husband’s betrayal too. Yet, in all this I’ve learned what my husband is capable of. In spite of his love for me he was still capable of the inflicting the deepest scar I’ve ever felt in my life. I wonder why no one teaches how young couples how to affair-proof their marriages? Why do we live under this false veil that infidelity is about bad marriages? Idk. I am rambling now…. 🙂

      Confused Wife’s blog post today speaks to this question: http://survivinginfidelityinmarriage.wordpress.com/2014/05/30/an-honest-review/comment-page-1/#comment-361

    • Hi Vickie,
      I don’t know your entire story but I know how hard this journey is. I know that at nine months I was still on the trigger roller coaster. In fact, I was so frustrated that I felt like I was stuck and never going to get past the crap. My therapist was instrumental in teaching me to not let my mind focus on the affair. She told me when I started to think about the affair to distract my mind within the first 20 seconds with something else (the kids, work, a craft, etc). She said once you allow your brain to focus on the affair for over 20 seconds it triggers the brain to feel the emotional pain. I know you know what I mean when I say I was struggling to survive the roller coaster of emotions. It took me awhile to master this and sometimes I convinced myself I just needed to cry/be angry/feel the pain. But for the most part, I started to have better days, then weeks and then months. It gets better… it just takes time. {{Hugs}}

  1. It has been 1 1/2 months for me and I am still on this so called “roller coaster”. I really don’t like roller coasters much. Especially the emotional one. My husband started out being very sorry and wanting to repair our marriage, however, these past few days he has been distant and I think before I would recognize that but not really read into it. NOW, that is all I do, is he out finding more prostitutes, is he out calling more phone numbers finding more of them? Someone told me quite frankly, “you will never trust him again”. I struggle with that because I don’t want it to be true, but I fear that it is and it will be forever. I will probably be able to forgive him (not sure when), but WE will never forget. I remember before I found out about his affairs, we were ok, we needed some help being a couple, but we were ok. Now, it is shattered and in a million pieces on the floor and I don’t know which piece to pick up first and try to put it back together. I am going to see a counselor next week to try to sort everything out. My emoitons are such a wreck right now. When I’m alone with my thoughts, I just start bawling and can’t seem to stop. Then something happens and I am shocked back into reality. THAT is my roller coaster right now. This absolutely is the worst thing I have ever been through in my entire life.

    • You are still so much in the beginning phases of healing from your husband’s betrayal. It takes time to actually be able to accept what happened. I encourage you to tell your husband that his distance is making you doubt and as much as you want to trust, you just are not capable right now. I recall in the first few months after D-Day my husband and I would spend hours every day talking about what happened. I would cry or get angry and often my husband’s reaction was to emotionally disconnect–OR at least that’s how it felt. He was actually too connected to what I was feeling and it paralyzed him. He couldn’t understand why or how he was capable of hurting me so deeply–what did this say about him? Was he a horrible person? Watching me suffer the pain that he caused was and still is my husband’s nightmare. He struggles to get over the fact that he hurt me so deeply. I don’t know if that is what your husband is feeling and why he is reacting like this but maybe he will tell you. Men struggle to acknowledge and accept emotional disappointment within themselves.
      I am glad you made the therapy appointment. Regardless of your husband’s struggles your healing is what is most important. You cannot control his actions/feelings/etc but you can work to make yourself better. My roller coaster ride lasted longer than I wanted but it eventually got slower and then I decided I wanted off. You’ll get there.

    • I am where you are at now! Three months later and I can’t decide what I need to do here. I’m stuck in the middle of leaving and staying. People have said “you will know when the times comes what is best for you” but I still am stuck. I definately know I can’t trust him. I definately know I’m scared to walk away. I definately know I don’t feel the same about him. So does this mean I’ve made up my mind? And should I leave to try and repair my broken heart?
      He’s trying, he says he wants us to work it out. But… I hear these things from him and I don’t think I believe it…. I feel weak. What will happen next, I don’t know! But tears still flow, my resentment is strong and all I want is for the day my life fell apart to have turned put differently 😥

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