Insecurities & Infidelity

A million insecurities that had been long been buried deep inside me rose to the surface on D-Day. I would never classify myself as insecure or lacking confidence but I have doubts that linger under the surface just like anyone. In the moment I discovered my husband’s affair all those doubts and insecurities became true.

insecuritiesI felt insignificant. I grew up a middle child. I was never neglected.  I was loved and supported but I learned from a young age to fend for myself, work hard and be self-reliant. I developed a strong sense of identity inspired by my desire to differentiate myself from my older and younger siblings. Like most middle children there is a lingering belief that I was unimportant. I pushed that idea deep down inside. It only came to the surface when a friend snubbed me or a boyfriend broke up with me. In those moments it was clear that I was insignificant. I remember falling in love with my husband and believing he would never make me feel insignificant, unimportant or second.

As my husband’s affair was beginning I was disconnecting with some of my closest “mom” friends in town. I became a working mom therefore I was no longer invited to birthday lunches and Bunko nights. My friendship was obviously insignificant to these mothers. About five months into my husband’s affair my best friend neglected to tell me about a life-changing event in her life before she posted it on Facebook. I found out in the same moment as the rest of the world, or maybe even later than half her Facebook “friends.”  By the time I discovered my husband’s affair I was already feeling insignificant to most the people in my life. The affair was just the icing on the cake.

I felt fat and ugly. I suffer from the same disorder most women do. No matter what my body looks like it will never be good enough. I look in the mirror and see flaws. I stared at all my imperfections and blamed them for my husband’s infidelity. After the affair, every trip the bathroom became a staring contest with myself in the mirror. What did she have [physically] that I didn’t? Why was he willing to push-off sex with me and schedule sex with her?

I wasn’t sexy enough. I wasn’t beautiful enough. I wasn’t good enough.

I wasn’t good enough. No matter how far I travel down this road to healing that’s the one thing I cannot wrap my head around: our marriage wasn’t enough for my husband to hesitate before starting a relationship behind my back. I know now that’s not true, but for a long time I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him. Or really anyone.  If the love we share didn’t prevent him from cheating then is it really possible to have an affair-proof marriage? I hate to sound jaded but the more comments I read on my blog from women just like myself, the less I believe that fidelity is possible in a marriage.

I remember asking my husband why he told Bat Shit he wanted more sex in our marriage but not me. He told me: “Sometimes it’s easier to be honest with a stranger than your wife.” I recall being angry and dismissive of this comment. I want to disagree completely but I realize now he’s right. My husband’s affair was about something lacking within my husband that he was trying to fill and not something lacking in me. His own insecurities pushed him from asking me for help. At some point in our relationship something happened to make him believe that I wouldn’t understand what he needed. Is it possible for two people to fulfill every need for the other person throughout a lifetime? I have no idea but I have hope.


38 thoughts on “Insecurities & Infidelity

  1. It has taken me 6 months from the date I found out he had an affair, that indeed it was he who was lacking, he was the one that was empty and it seems that he was the one not whole. But I was not willing to see he was the one not happy being married, while I was. Sometimes it is just hard to believe that he could or would ever cheat but he did and its not in anyway my fault, it was him that needs to find the answers within him. I will someday be happy again but not right now.

    • You will be happy again. You are absolutely right–he/they need to find the answers within him. I also felt the same way that it was hard to believe he could or would ever cheat. I think wrapping my head around that was the most difficult concept for me. I honestly believed my husband was not capable of cheating on me.
      You will be happy again. We all will.

  2. Exactly. Every time I read some crazy OW saying I must have been denying him or neglecting him or not doing some need thing she fulfilled I’m like, “nope, it was a hole in his soul where integrity was missing and he was trying to fill if with false stuff. Same for her.” Honestly, these “needs” she’s supposed to have fulfilled? Funny how they disappeared as soon as saving his marriage became his priority. Odd, don’t you think? My spidey senses tell me they were not needs. They were a cover for the hole in the soul of each of them.

  3. I just found out my husband is cheating with someone at work. I have tracked phone records back to 9/29/13. I just found an email that says glad got home safe and with initials of all my love or something like that and he replied the same. I am so confused, I feel stupid that i didnt see this. We have been married for 32 years and together 33. I am sitting here,cant sleep and trying to decide what to say in the am. I cannot hold it in, I need answers why? This is the last thing I ever suspected but now things are starting to make sense. He was supposedly watching races with his friends. WOW,,I am such an idioit. I dont know what I’m going to say or do,,I just dont know, My insides feel like someone stabbed me in the gut..

    • Hi Melanie,
      I am sorry I am just getting around to reading your message here. I know how you felt that night–lying there with a stab wound in your stomach feeling as though your life has been ripped apart.
      How did it go the next morning? Were you able to approach him and how did he respond?
      My gut feeling is that your husband never thought you would ever find out. This journey sucks and I hate that you are here. BUT there are so many women here sharing their pain, emotions, lessons learned and lives. You aren’t alone. But I promise you will survive this.
      Make decisions for you–what do you want? Need? Take care of yourself. Find a therapist and go alone, together and your husband should find his own therapist. There’s an undefined reason he cheated. You may never get a concrete answer to “Why?” but you will be able to figure out how it all came together (hopefully) if he will give you those answers.
      You will probably have good days and bad days–and they will intermix. Take each day as it comes. You will survive and you will get better but the road is long. Take care…

      • This is what has transpired since my first post.

        5/27/14 I confronted him the next morning and asked point blank,,does he want to try counsling,etc..he said no,,he was sorry,,and of course I went into calmly that its too late for that. I told him he made the decision for our lives and family lives by doing what he did and taking me,us out of the equation and him and his expletive made the choice for our lives. I am so hurt and upset that I cant breath!! I told him to pack and go to the whore’s house and be with her,,thats what he wants, thats what he will have.. I have no one here, my family is in another state, I cant leave because of work and now I will need the money, we have financial obligations that we have to figure out, we have to tell our adult children, we have set a date in 2 weeks to do it inperson. I am lost. I hurt so bad,,I cant stop crying, I look like I have gone 10 rounds with Tyson, my head hurts, my eyes are red and swollen…I have to pull it together..I dont hate him, but really no liking him now. Not sure how i really feel..there is so much more,,I have to start my life over again at 51,,WTF!! I cant wallow in pity party, I have to make a plan of action but today I jjust want to cry..he was too but I told him he has a somebody to comfort him,,I have no one here,,no one,,please tell me where to I start? What do I do?? I just want to curl up and stay in bed,,

        I feel like an idiot because I really had no idea,,last week was the first time when he didnt let me see his phone so i could post pics of our sons graduation , that we were driving back from in Ny,,he said there were pics that the guys sent and didnt want me to see them..that started the hair on my neck. I pulled the cell phone records, all the calls to her in the am when he left for work and on the way home. the times i went up north to go see kids,,it was a heyday,,so when he went yesterday to go watch “sports” with the guys,,i had taken pics of his phone contacts and wanted to see who these numbers belonged to, I found out alright,,so when he came home last night,,I think he knew that I knew and didnt say anything,,but I asked this am very calmly and he spilled his guts,,I think what hurts the most is when he thought there was a problem,,he didnt come to me, he went elsewhere and now he doenst want to try,,i am not going to beg or want him either,,again,,still in shock that within less than 24hrs my life has been turned upside down and dissolved. I told him to leave for a few days ,,i dont want to see him because it just makes me sad and angry and i dont want to be that person. I never have been and wont

        WOW,,so WTF,,he just called , balling saying this isnt what he wants,, he want to come home,,he wants to work it out..OMG,,my head is spinning,,he has only been gone 5 hours,,,I am a mess!! My heart is breaking and I think I want to try,,but I dont know,,geez..

        o after 5 hours, he couldn’t unpack his suitcase and was crying to come home. So ,here we are, I am not to blame for the affair but I have let my relationship go and flatline,,doesn’t make it right what he did, but I did leave the door open for any C#@$ to walk in and he found it , the love,touching and newlywed stuff we had let go away after 33 years, so I am so willing to try to rebuild, I want that romance back too!!! So, call me crazy,,I ordered the self help books,,figured we are going to read them together,,which he wants to do,,I made a reservation in FT Lauderdale just for Saturday to fly down and be just us. Romantic, spontaneous and sit on the beach, talk,cry what ever,,that is my plan. I told him in no uncertain terms,,I don’t know about intimacy , I am not sure about that yet but we will play it by ear. Holding, hugging, cuddling, I am all for it,,want it,crave it,,I am also trying to understand what he was lacking and why he was so easily astray. Then Monday is our appointment , we will have lots to talk about and see how the MC directs us.

      • It sounds like you are going in the right direction for you. You don’t need to know anything yet–trust yourself, protect yourself and don’t be afraid. You will get through this. Getting away will be both good and difficult–but you need that. Sometimes having time to focus on the couple and figuring out how you both feel about each other is the first step to moving forward. Be honest with your husband and ask him to be honest with you. When you are ready read the book “My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Happened to Me” by Anne Brecht. Ask your husband to read it too. The title deterred me from reading the book for months but it’s actually a honest story from the viewpoint of the betrayed with comments from her husband and children.
        It sounds like you are taking steps forward. I wish you both well.

    • Melanie, no one can tell you what to do. NO ONE, not your family, nor friends. This is between you and your hubby, I will say this as advice. He betrayed you. He hurt you. He has to make amends, he has to show you he can be better. You don’t spend that much of a lifetime with a person and easily throw it away. Infidelity is not the end. He has to make you priority. Go to counseling, even if he won’t go with you. YOU NEED IT! You will mourn, you need a non-biased person to hear you. It does make all the difference in the world. YES YES YES make time for each other, be honest like you have never been before…lay it all out and heal thru it. Together if possible, seperately at times. You are not an idiot. He manipulated and lied, you loved and trusted, you proved your trust and love now it is his turn to prove to you he is worth it. He has to end the relationship and change jobs…I am saying this from experience, ALL of his email, social networking & phone will have to be open for you to see until YOU are comfortable with not looking anymore. It will take time….lots of time. Good Luck and Take Care.

  4. I read your posts and they do help but I’m still in the zone of it being my fault. Will I ever get over this? Please keep posting.

    • It’s a hard road Wounded. At one point I got to where I was so angry that I could blame him for what he did, and she did, not me. Although nobody is perfect right?

      I won’t lie though, my own insecurities still lay just beneath the surface. But I am no longer at a point where I feel that his affair is my fault. Did I sleep with her? No. Did I keep it a secret and create lie after lie after lie? No.

      No matter our circumstances, we all make choices. My choice was NEVER to have an affair. His was.

    • Hi Wounded,
      Why do you feel like it’s your fault? When was your D-Day? I spent the first year thinking of all the things I could have done differently to change the course of things. If I had been willing to have sex more he wouldn’t have cheated. If I had planned our trip away sooner he wouldn’t have cheated. If I was less focused on the kids he wouldn’t have cheated. BUT, at the end of the day, the fact is that I didn’t measure into his affair at all. He didn’t have the affair because I was lacking. He had the affair because something was lacking in him–the affair was a band-aid. A real shitty band-aid.
      You may never fully get over this but you will learn to live with it. You will be able to let go of the pain and stop blaming yourself at some point. You will realize one day that you went an entire day without thinking about the affair. And in that moment you feel a release. I am waiting to make it through an entire week. I know it’s possible I just need to get there.
      It’s not your fault. I bet your husband would agree too–that his decision was not about you.

  5. Yes it still hurts but knowing that it was not my fault is the big key to all this crazy feelings you have. Yes you will one day feel a little better, then just a bit more after that when you heart is ready to stop blaming yourself for his wrong doings. Remember the key is “His” wrong doings not yours, there can never be enough excuses for what he has done, when you stop giving them to him then you will see that you are not the one at fault all. My crying, yelling of why did you do this to me and blaming myself cause it just had to be me at fault is over, I no longer feel and say it was my fault, it was he who had something missing, he who cannot love me with all of his heart. He who must learn to love himself before he can ever learn to love me again, if ever. Be strong and look past it for one day is will be better.

  6. It is scary just how much of what you are saying I can relate to. I too am a middle child. I too had ‘friends’ who seem to let me down when I needed them, I too felt as you did and I too feel that I am not enough. I know it’s still early for me (4 months) and I go through life slowly waiting to get to the same frame of mind you. I know this decision was his, not mine. I think I can see that he was not in a good place in his life. What I can’t get an understanding of is how he could make this kind of decision and not think about me, us, his family. How do you get to the stage where you can live with this knowledge, Where you stay in a marriage knowing this? How do you ever build that trust again?

    It’s funny that our marriage counsellor wants to talk about communication style – I’m not sure I want to communicate at all, let alone look at all the things I might have done wrong in the past.

    I find a lot of comfort knowing my thoughts are not crazy ones. It helps to read how others are feeling. I’m sorry we are now part of this club, but I realize it’s not as exclusive as I once might have thought.

    • I spent over a year trying to reconcile how my husband had an affair and never considered it’s effect on me. I felt like I was peripheral and his AP was his focus. Maybe that is the case–there was a game going on with the AP and I was a sure thing. But the thing I’ve realized recently is that it wasn’t that I was insignificant or not worth thinking about when he was cheating, it was that he put our life together in a totally separate box from his affair. He was aware that if I knew about what he was doing I would be hurt, upset, angry, etc. but he didn’t think I would ever find out. His love and feelings for me did not change because of his AP. There were times when he questioned me because his relationship with his AP made him doubt my attraction to him BUT his love for me was unwavering. I don’t know if that makes sense or even helps. It’s messed up but I think that’s the state of mind he was in at the time.

  7. My husbands therapist says we really do need to communicate better also, I feel that he needs to do more then me since he was the one to break the trust that we once had. I know that I am not perfect but I never even once thought that I could or would even do that to him but yet he was able to be with someone else? If I continued to somehow blame myself for what has gone on I new that I could not move on. I too don’t know if I can really even trust him like I once did before. A lot of lies and mistrust still, I know that I really did all that I could, I was really in love with him and just never thought that this could happen to me? Wow what an awakening for me to have to open up my eyes and see how it really was, men just don’t think like we do. They can be very selfish, we think as family comes first, we put our love for our husband and kids as our main focus. They have other things in mind and say it was in the moment, love had nothing to do with it but yet they return to the other women sometimes because they can get away with it because its the forbidden thing that they know they shouldn’t do but still can and will do it just cause they can. Selfish yes, they need to look inside of them to see why they feel we will not hurt with what they have done to hurt us like they have. Its a very long road for us that we have to make some more hard choices if we will stay or just throw them out to learn that by themselves that this is not right. Trust is love, love is trust that has to be deserved from your partner. Remember you can be strong.

  8. I can’t thank you enough for this blog! I’ve read numerous books, we’re seeing a couples therapist & I’m seeing my own therapist…but the day I found this blog on the internet was the biggest turning point for me! I realized what I was missing in my recovery…sympathy!! My husband is too busy with his own pain, embarrassment..and everything else. I found so many encouraging words, support & STRENGTH in this blog! I can’t even begin to tell you how important it was to me to read every blog and then read every comment! There is so much comfort in reading everyone’s painful stories and their thoughts that go with them! I encourage anyone that is just starting the recovery to go to the beginning, grab some Kleenex, index cards (write down the things that help, and share with your husband & therapist!) and settle in for a good read! I stayed up for hours reading these stories. One of the best ones…that really helped… was “the why” I was really stuck on that and reading the blog/comments helped me to begin putting that to rest! It was better than my therapist or any book! I’m 6 months into my recovery…D-day was Nov 23, 2013. That was 60 days into my marriage! My story is different (like everyone else), I guess in some twisted way I was the OW, without even knowing it!! My husband was already in a relationship when I met him…I never knew that until D-day, that relationship began 2 years before my time. She lives in another state (thank goodness), he would travel every month “for business” to see her. Looking back I feel like a fool, now I can see all the signs but I was in love and believed everything he told me. So essentially he kept these two relationships going while we dated…got engaged…and then married. He battles his own insecurities that caused all of this, again reading “the why” was SO freeing! Now I’m working on the forgiveness phase… my therapist shed some light the other day, forgiveness is for me, not for him. There is no justifying what happened, no excuses. Forgiveness is for me! It is for me to accept that I didn’t cause this, I couldn’t have changed it and that it happened. Forgiveness is also, not living in the past, learning how to redirect my brain when the intrusive thoughts begin. Forgiveness is freeing myself from the burden of all that happened and living for today! Am I scared that it might happen again…. HELL YES! But if it does then I know I have the strength to walk away, I can’t stop him from cheating. Even if I check every email, cell phone, bank account he can still find away to cheat…if that’s what he wants. I see his pain, I believe his remorse and I believe in us! I’m hopeful for the future! I love this man and I love what we have! For today, that is all I need! At times my hope for the future is only a tiny glimpse but I try to focus on the glimpse! I’m tired of the pain, the images, the intrusive thoughts, I want to be free from it all! I want this sharp gut wrenching pain to become a dull past memory! Remember in high school when a guy broke your heart? It’s distant it’s past, you don’t forget but you don’t obsess over it every day. That’s because new memories happen that are bigger & better! I’m focusing on making new memories! I wish I could hug each one of you! I’m sorry for your pain! I’m thankful for the support of this blog! You have helped me tremendously! There is power in group support!!

  9. This makes me sad because I too feel that I am not good enough. I feel fat and ugly. I have suffered tremendous self-loathing since my D-Day. I know that it was his problem and not what I lacked. I have to believe that, or I will go crazy. We are enough. We do enough. This is not our fault.

  10. Sometimes just writing what is going on is a great help, thanks for letting me do that. I know that everyone is so different in how they see & do things. Just do what is best for you. Somehow the pain & crying will not be so much and soon you will be able to not just ask why did he hurt me so much and see that you can be stronger because you are better then the one that cheated on you. You can let go of the pain and begin to smile again.

  11. I withdrew from many many friends after finding out about the affair. I withdrew from the world really. Oh they would see me, in church, with the kids, smiling, “Oh yeah. Life is good! How about you?” “Oh, yeah no it looks like things are going great for DH’s new business.” “Oh I should be so proud of him? Mmmm Hmmm. Yeah!”

    To the point where I would go home exhausted and want to bawl bc I couldn’t put a fake smile on any longer. And because DH wanted so few people to know it was me who withdrew. I can only keep up with fake for small doses at a time, and not with those I love dearly.

    The insecurities, they’re there. Lying, waiting, ready to rear their ugly head at a moment’s notice with any small trigger. And then the battle begins again.

    It’s exhausting.

  12. I wonder if there are phases that we go through. You know, like phases of grief/death. Being in the fourth week of knowing about my husband, I think I am still in a state of shock, but on the verge of being in the anger stage. Waiting and wondering when I am going to let it go and just get raging mad at him for what he’s done to OUR entire life. I have read a lot about not wondering about the OW, but in some way I want to know what to watch out for IF/WHEN this happens again. He has said that he is not going to let it happen again. Well, he says that today, what about tomorrow, next week, in the next 6 months. What about 2 years from now? I wish he could know for real how much he has hurt me. I too have become very reclusive. I’m not social any more. I try to be, but the black cloud is still there and will be there for a very long time. I was with my family this past Memorial weekend, and it broke my heart that I couldn’t tell them. I couldn’t tell them out of shame and what they would do. I guess I’m protecting them from the embarrassment and shame that I feel. I also am extremely insecure right now. I was insecure before, now it’s just worse.

    • I think the stages of recovering from an affair are just like the stages of grieving. I recall my therapist asking if I had accepted that this had happened yet almost a year ago. I looked at her and I wanted to say yes but I hesitated. I realized I was still believing that I could make this go away or I would wake up and it would all be a bad dream. It took me awhile to be able to take a deep breath and say to myself–My husband cheated on me and I survived.
      Reading where you are in your grieving/recovery you are doing well (believe it or not). Just try to recognize and ask for help when you need it. Keep talking to your husband. Even if you can’t be social with friends/family, try to go out either alone or with your husband. Do things that will make you happy. Take care of yourself first. You will get through this.

      • I still feel like I will wake up and it was all a bad dream; but it isn’t. We’ve been through affair recovery and have continued counseling. My husband has been “ideal” since the affairs came to light in his transperency and willingness to do whatever it takes to get our marriage on the right track. He is so different from the person I knew last year. He is wonderful. I am the one still really struggling because it was my world that was shattered. Somedays are better than others. I feel damaged and some days I don’t feel like i will ever get better. It feels like my marriage is tainted. I am trying to focus on the remaining years we have and not the past eleven, but sometimes it is so hard. I want to feel happy again. Sometimes I think that because he is so different, that another new woman is who he should be married too so that she can enjoy the person he is becoming; that I’ve been through the shredder and am broken. I know rationally that my thoughts can be irrational, and I also know that feelings don’t equal truth (can tell I’ve been in therapy 🙂 ). Taking it one day at a time.

    • When I hit Anger I knew it immediately. It was ugly. I was filled with rage at everything he said and did. I too thought that it has paralleled the stags of grief. My Mom told me it’s because something DID die. The marriage I thought I had died.

  13. OMG, thank you so much for that. It was somehting that I need to hear. Right now, doing things with other couples is extremely hard, and it is and will be very hard to be around my family. I don’t think I will ever be able to tell my family. My best girlfriend said that my eyes look sad. She is such a strong support for me right now, I couldn’t thank her enough for helping me throug this. Hopefully, my eyes won’t be so sad. Thank you again for your words of encouragement and wisdom.

    • Sometimes it is hard for me to be around other couples. I look at their marriages and thinkg “what’s the toughest thing they have been through?” or I get jealous of how their marriage isn’t tarnished. I try to keep in mind that they all have their own struggles. Sometimes it is frustrating to hear what they are fighting about because really, there is nothing worse than what has been done to us by our spouses….anyway, I can relate to not wanting to do things with other couples.

      • Hi Crystal,
        I spent months at dinner parties or social gatherings watching other couples wondering if the husband’s were cheating or had in the past. I wondered if anyone had ever stared at us and asked those same questions. Sometimes I resented other couples, sometimes I resented my own marriage. Now when we go out I figure most of us (couples) have been touched by infidelity. While I don’t believe in public shaming of my husband for his actions, I do wonder if our unwillingness to talk about infidelity publicly and openly with friends and family continues the cycle of secrecy. If we live in a world where infidelity is treated as a something that happens only to the unfortunate few then we are perpetuating the behavior. We cannot fight a disease if we live in a state of denial. I guess that’s part of my struggle.

  14. I don’t know about you but I have ALWAYS gone thru cycles of feeling unattractive. The affair just enhanced the feelings unfortunately. I then have realized that I am doing that to myself. I badmouth myself. WTH? Why do we do that? If I talked to my friends the way I talk to myself I would never have anyone to talk to! LOL, so…. just like most therapists will tell you, you have to stop it before it starts! When I feel ugly I stop the spiral of badmouthing myself…. if I feel ugly, I put on makeup (rare for me) I feel fat (I go for a walk or run) I am stress (I do some simple yoga) I MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER….because if you can’t make yourself happy then you are relying on others for your happiness. Fake it till you make it! Smile in the mirror even if you don’t want to, stop sticking your tongue out at yourself.

    • Excellent advice. I don’t know why we (women) are so hard on ourselves. We judge ourselves harsher than we would ever judge anyone else in our lives. Cheers to making ourselves better–one step at a time. 🙂

  15. I remember asking my husband why he told Bat Shit he wanted more sex in our marriage but not me. He told me: “Sometimes it’s easier to be honest with a stranger than your wife.”

    My husband said much the same thing. If he told her something and she no longer wanted to talk to him, then he hadn’t lost anything. He had too much to risk telling me. Learning to be vulnerable with each other again is essential. I can’t imagine telling someone outside my marriage my innermost thoughts. But then, I suppose I had stopped telling him as well. When I consider the lack of logic in his thought process, I do realize he was in a really insecure place. If I love him, then the how and why he got there shouldn’t matter, but that is often where I get stuck. He made choices that separated himself emotionally from our family, and then became insecure about his place in our family. Sounds like I’m still struggling with the acceptance stage of grief. So yes, notsurewhattodo, there are stages we go through very similar to grief. Please realize that you are in the very early stages and it will take time. Take care of your needs right now. Hang in there and don’t make any big decisions until you are ready. That may be months from now.

    I think there is hope that you can fulfill each others needs for a lifetime, as long as the root of the relationship is love.


  16. i just recently found out (about 3 weeks now) that my husband of 5 years is cheating on me, with my best friend of 20+ years.
    i felt so betrayed by both of them, i cried for days. i don’t know where to begin the healing process I’ve confronted both of them and they both acknowledge it, and she apologized. He on the other hand has been angry with me(or so it seems). it could be hes feeling guilty and sees how much this hurt me, or hes angry that i found out I’m not quite sure yet. We’ve spent the first week in silence, but we’re broken through that barrier and started talking. he says that its over but he’s being so distant and I’m not sure whats going on, could it be that he knows how much hes hurt me or that hes gone back to this woman ?

    • I can’t know if your husband is being honest. I know that for the first month and longer I doubted my husband was being faithful. I made him check in and tried to show up unexpectedly at his work but the trust was gone. I had to take him on his word but that no longer had much clout. Keep the lines of communication open with your husband. If he is willing to go to therapy with you then go together. Keep talking and don’t be afraid to ask the questions you need answered. Tell him that you know it may seem crazy but you are having difficulty believing he’s not still sneaking around behind your back. I told my husband and he would say–how can I prove to you that I am not? What do you need? Just having him care to ask those questions was meaningful but also having the ability to be honest was huge too.

      • My situation has been a long and messy one, however my D-day (that was confirmed in reality not just mentally) was 18 months ago. The OW was his ex-wife and I knew it was brewing but wanted to believe the best in him. He pulled a disappearing act and went back to her and dropped off the planet for a few weeks. What get’s me the most about all of this is the different levels and waves that come at me. Initially I was super woman and powered through everything and was okay for the most part. Now I am dealing with the real feelings I feel personally as a result of his affair. Feelings of insignificance, feeling of hopelessness, feelings…. one’s that I can’t even put a label on. I’ve struggled with the idea of leaving him (and it makes me ill) but I know that no matter what I do these feelings will follow me so why go anywhere. He is doing his part with honesty (I assume) and he feels just as lost as I do. I just hope that one day soon I do find a way to feel like I am worthy or love, I am important enough to him so he keeps it in his pants, and that I matter. I don’t think it matters that I am going through empty nest syndrome on top of marital issues.

  17. I have been married for 7 years. My husband has been an affair with a woman for 3 years and now they have twins. I have a son with him . He says he wants to be with me but he has to do the right thing for his kids the twins. He is now in a process of finding a place he can rent so his kids ( twins ) can live with their mom because their mother doesn’t earn much she now has three children (she has a child from her previous relationship and now the twins from my husband ) and she still leaves with her parents. They have found a three bedroom house which he is going to check if it’s good enough for them. He is doing all these because he loves his kids and he wants them to be well taken of. He is currently having financial problems and this has been for more than a year and I have been helping him every month to make ends meet. I have been taking all the responsibility in our home , paying all the bills. Now there is this huge responsibility that he is taking, he says he wants to be with me and to make the relationship work . My gut feeling is he is not over this woman and he wants to have two families although he denies that. I feel he wants to have the best of both worlds. I am hurt and torn I don’t want to be the person who denied him his kids and yet I don’t want to be in a relationship where I know there is another woman. Obviously leaving him is hard for me. I know it is what I have to do and it is the best thing to do but I still haven’t. When I have sex with him I just see him having sex with the other woman I really have to fight my mind to enjoy sex with him. I’m am aways thinking about the affair. I have read books on forgiveness and affairs . We haven’t entertained going to counseling. There is this huge elephant in the room that we keep on avoiding. I keep on threatening to leave him but I haven’t. I’m really in a mess of a relationship. If he could build a 3 year relationship with another woman to a point that they have twins together what will make the affair to end

    • Ayo,

      My advice to you is to get couple counseling to make him see where he stands

      No way the other woman can have kids when knowing the man is married. This bitch has to pay for the price.

      Make your husband decide what is his stand

      My apologies but I see if it carries on, your husband may not repent

      I had kicked my H out before as I am also co-breadwinner. Thanks to him, I decided not to be a doormat and started my list of what I want and no more proscrinating. Now I am halfway through my masters which my H is now paying for.

  18. Insecure is exactly how I have been feeling since learning about my husband’s affair. I felt him pulling away for weeks before I found out and I tried to talk to him and tell him how insecure I was feeling and he blew me off and dismissed me.
    After finding out about it he claims she meant nothing and he was going through a time when he didn’t feel he could talk to me. He said it all started as friendship and it escalted quickly and once it started he didn’t know how to stop it even though he wanted to.
    He ended it right away after I found out and he is so remorseful and wants to make things better. We are both commited to rebuilding our marriage and making it stronger, but it’s so hard right now. It’s been 3 weeks since my D-day and I have been feeling mixed feelings of love, hope, sadness, anger, disbelief, and fear. I’m so afraid of repairing things and risking this happening again. I am feeling so unloveable even though he continues to tell me it wasn’t me it was him. How am I supposed to feel that way when I was genuinely trying to talk to him and work on things and he was pulling away and putting his effort in her.
    I know it will take time, but I’m honestly afraid I will never be okay from this. I have a great memory and I know I will never forget.
    We had a happy marriage I thought, and even though I believe we can be closer and stronger in the wake of this I honestly feel so upset that it took this betrayal to get us to that point.

    I have some hope reading your blog though. It helps knowing someone has gone through this and that my thoughts and feelings aren’t crazy.
    Thank you for putting your story out there for the rest of us spouses that are healing from betrayal as well.

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