Infidelity Trax | I Wanna Get Better | The Bleachers

I heard this song a few months ago. I asked my husband to find the song and put it on my iPod. Little did I know he put the song on his own iPod too. He says this is his song now. He wants to get better.

Hey, I hear the voice of a preacher from the back room
Calling my name and I follow just to find you
I trace the faith to a broken down television and put on the weather
And I’ve trained myself to give up on the past ’cause
I frozen time between hearses and caskets
Lost control when I panicked at the acid test

I wanna get better

While my friends were getting high and chasing girls down parkway lines
I was losing my mind ’cause the love, the love, the love, the love, the love
That I gave wasted on a nice face
In a blaze of fear I put a helmet on a helmet
Counting seconds through the night and got carried away
So now I’m standing on the overpass screaming at the cars,

Hey, I wanna get better!

I didn’t know I was lonely ’til I saw your face
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better
I didn’t know I was broken ’til I wanted to change
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better

I go up to my room and there’s girls on the ceiling
Cut out their pictures and I chase that feeling
Of an eighteen year old who didn’t know what loss was

Now I’m a stranger

And I miss the days of a life still permanent
Mourn the years before I got carried away
So now I’m staring at the interstate screaming at myself,

Hey, I wanna get better!

I didn’t know I was lonely ’til I saw your face
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better
I didn’t know I was broken ’til I wanted to change
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better

Better, ’cause I’m sleeping in the back of a taxi
I’m screaming from my bedroom window
Even if its gonna kill me

Woke up this morning early before my family
From this dream where she was trying to show me
How a life can move from the darkness
She said to get better

So I put a bullet where I shoulda put a helmet
And I crash my car ’cause I wanna get carried away
That’s why I’m standing on the overpass screaming at myself

Hey, I wanna get better!

I didn’t know I was lonely ’til I saw your face
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better
I didn’t know I was broken ’til I wanted to change
I wanna get better, better, better, better,
I wanna get better

 

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13 thoughts on “Infidelity Trax | I Wanna Get Better | The Bleachers

  1. My post d-day anthem is chalk out line by 3 days grace. Check it out on YouTube. It so describes the things that are hidden deep inside for me. It’s been since Nov. 2012 for us and although we are sstill together, I to have those bad moments. We celebrated 22 yes of marriage last Friday but I will never be as niece as I once was. It can all disappear in the blink of an eye and through my journey, I have obtained a college degree . For the first time in my life, I do things just for me! I love my husband deeply but he can stand beside me or behind me but no one will ever stand in front of me again! Thanks for your blog.. It has helped me more than you no. God Bless.
    R.K.

    • Hi,
      I am glad you are moving forward, getting a college degree and become more independent. Your D-Day is very close to mine so I am comforted to read what you wrote. I am listening to Chalk Outline right now. What a great song to describe how this all makes us feel.

      • Thank you… The story shared on this site is truly appreciated and I pull strength from reading about all of trials and triumphs. It is comforting to no I am not fighting this battle for my marriage alone.

  2. Wow. I found this site two days ago and read every post beginning to end in those two short days. I can’t thank you enough for bearing your soul in the journey of this awful circumstance. One I am just beginning to navigate. I have felt SO crazy this last year. But I see myself in so many of your posts, or your song picks or your inspirational word photos…they are the same things I have pinned or sent my husband this last year. See, in April 2013, my husband came forward and said he was unhappy. We have had our issues in the past (married 14 years next month with three girls) but I always felt like we could get through it…it would just take time. We had a ROUGH spring/summer last year on a roller coaster from hell, but come August we broke through and things started becoming amazing. That is until January 2014 when my fears were confirmed that he had an affair.

    A three year affair. It was with someone he had worked with. They became friends. He introduced me to her and she and I became friends. Now, I realize they were just trying to create circumstances to be closer outside of work. It all started in 2009 as a friendship, then they kissed for the first time in 2011. They didn’t have sex until November 2012…and that lasted only 4 months. They “broke up” many times in between. It was officially over in August of 2013. She is married—no kids, but was/is super unhappy in her marriage. My husband and I were not connected wholly during that time, but we were still having amazing sex so I figured we just needed to find a way to connect better, but we never could. He, like most men, had a hard time telling me how he felt and was too cowardly to stand up and voice how he felt and basically started to give up. So, he retreated.

    I happened to find some emails back and forth from this past January rehashing why their “relationship” fell apart. I confronted him and was so upset…things for us had been great for the prior 5 months! The shit hit the fan. He was scared. We cried all night talking about it. I asked questions I wished I had never asked. I can’t erase any of those answers. The hardest part was that he loved her. Like seriously loved her. It still hurts to admit that. They talked about getting married, they planned a life together. It all makes me sick to my stomach. By the time August of 2013 came around he realized he didn’t want to be with her and wanted to be with me. I am still not sure if that is the truth or if she broke it off and I am just the second choice. He has told me he is healed through it and wants the past to be the past. He wants to move forward with me and girls. That he had a chance to be with her and he realized he did not want that…he wanted me and our family. Apparently, he went into a dark, dark place last summer and his best friend was there to help him out of it…which I am grateful for. I am so hurt he could not just have been honest with me in the very beginning and I wished he would have seen the wrong path he was headed down. To come to me, who he has been with for 18 years!

    Now, every day I think about their affair. I have triggers all of the time. Not a day goes by that I have not thought about it. I hit my 6 month mark today, actually. He doesn’t like bringing it up all of the time because he feels like shit each time. And he should. He wants to not think about it and focus on us. I know in my mind his affair was not my fault, my try telling that to my heart. Yes, I contributed to issues in our marriage but not to his choice of going elsewhere. Apparently, he felt like I was trying to mold him into this perfect husband and make him something he is not. She accepted him for he was without trying to change him. He has admitted it was refreshing that they were so open together…yay for them. Part of me just wishes he would have left me before treading down the slippery slope…like it would have hurt less.
    That all being said. He has been nothing short of an amazing husband since. He is attentive, affectionate, better than we ever were. But like you, I am struggling trusting him. Every. Damn. Day. I hate when we make love and I think of them intimately together. It sucks. I hate how much he hurt me. I hate that he “loved” her. I used to so badly hate her and I still struggle, but I don’t’ hate her like I used to. I too feel like if I could just confront her, I would feel better, but I doubt it. I struggle because I want to heal and move forward but my fear, my hate, my pain; they are like anchors tied to my legs and my head is just breaking the surface long enough for me to breathe. I want to stay, to make this work, and we are doing SO well, but I struggle with the hurt and pain and fear. I want to cut the ropes and be free and swim away from all of that and have fun with everyone splashing at the shore. My mind says one thing but my heart feels another way. I realize now, it will take more time than I thought and that is okay. I am so grateful to know that I am not alone and not crazy and time can ease the hurt. Thank you for your honesty, your rawness, your hurt and truths. Thank you for this blog. Thank you.

    • I am humbled that you read every post on here. I completely understand where you are and coming from. Sometimes I just want to be able to swim away and splash too. Most days I feel like I am almost free from the ropes that tie me down but then there will be a moment that reminds me of what has happened. That he cheated. And all of sudden I feel like I am on the outside looking in.
      It sounds like you are both working hard at healing and getting better. I am impressed with your insight at six months. Keep going. Keep moving forward and let go of the ropes. You don’t need them anyway.

      • Thank you for the support. The feeling of not being alone–the only one going through this–is so refreshing. I mean, I KNOW I am not the only one who has or will go through this, but I don’t have anyone in my life who has gone through this that I can really talk to, so this site is nice. My counselor has told me numerous times how strong I am, but there are SO many days that I feel super weak and small and defeated. Those are the days where the triggers get the best of me. There is that stupid voice in my head telling me I am stupid for staying. I hate that voice! LOL

        For me, there were two songs that resonated with me last summer when I was hurting so badly and they still do:

        Pink – Try

        The Script – Breakeven (the chorus mostly)

  3. So I too found such comfort in your blog days after Dday Oct 5, 2013. I tried R and MC but in the end decided the pain, hurt, disrespect, lies and betrayal was more than I could take. His year long affair was all the memories I have been left with rather than the 13 beautiful years we shared. I’m not sure why I feel compelled to keep returning to your blog but I feel the need to keep checking on you as if one day I will read that your mind soul and spirit has healed. It pains me to read your words. My heart still hurts and I still feel an enormous grief over the loss of my family, but I do not carry guilt. He destroyed the marriage not me. So rather than loose myself (my true self) for the sake of saving something he chose to destroy which would mean that I would have nothing left to save myself if I’m trying so hard to save a destroyed marriage, I CHOSE ME! I have been separated from him for over 7 months and the tears still flow. However we need to go through the pain to get past it, we can’t just go around it. I hope nothing but peace for all of our broken souls and spirits. We are wonderful women who deserve only the best!!

    • Cheers to that. I am sure you will find a release from this too. We will all get better, one day at a time. I do believe that if I couldn’t have let go of the memories of the affair that I would be on a different path now. The affair no longer haunts me but I do feel like I have so much growth to do as an individual and a woman. I am more inspired now than ever to achieve and get the best. I wish you all the best!

  4. I was away with my husband and heard two songs I wanted to share with you. The first one might have bothered my husband a bit.
    😉

    It is I’m Only Joking by Kongos. Gaslighting!

    The second one is Flaws by Bastille. Some of this one really resonates with me.

    Enjoy!

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