This too shall pass and you will be okay again

Immediately after my D-Day I was searching for the answers to questions I didn’t even have yet. I wanted to be validated, heard and know that there were women that survived infidelity. In the beginning I felt isolated and alone. I had no idea that I was joining a silent alliance of betrayed women. I had no idea infidelity was so commonplace. It’s possible I just had the misfortune of discovering the truth. Up until September 22, 2012 infidelity and betrayal was foreign to me. Affairs were reserved for the covers of magazines at the grocery store and the few broken marriages I knew of in my town. Pre-D-day, affairs = divorce. It had been ingrained into my head that an affair breaks the couple and eventually ends the marriage, women should not forgive a cheating husband because their behavior will repeat itself in time.

Betrayal Healing After My Husband's AffairThen, my D-Day happened. I was hurt, destroyed, and in pain, and I wasn’t sure if my marriage was over or not. I Googled questions and words and finally found a women that instructed me on what to ask my husband first: 

Did you do this because you wanted to end our marriage?

My husband’s answer was: “No.” I think he was actually shocked that I asked him that question. I imagine in his mind he was afraid that my knowledge of his affair was the end of our marriage for me. We sat at our dining room table when I asked that question. He sat with his shoulders down, fear and shame covering his face. I sat with blood-shot eyes, anger and sadness upon my face. I look back now on that moment and realize we both had no idea what to do next. We both wanted our marriage to continue but both of us feared the worst.

My Google searches eventually brought me to WordPress. I found countless blogs about betrayal. I found blogs written by betrayed wives, affair partners and wayward spouses. I had to learn a new language (AP, BS, OS, OW, D-Day, etc). I learned all the acronyms. Infidelity recovery is an underground movement. One that is amazingly strong but entirely clandestine. I wrote my first words about my husband affair on this blog. I hoped someone would hear me, respond, and let me know there was life after an affair. I needed to know I was not alone. Just like so many of my readers, I felt like I was treading water and I was afraid I might drown in my pain and sadness. It took the writer a few days to respond to me. She gave me a list of five things I needed to do and one item my husband needed to do on his own. I read her list repetitively and soaked in every word she wrote. I felt her instructions were my new Bible. Luckily, her advice was solid. [I only hope that I can give half the advice she succinctly gave me in five bullet-ed points.]

Eventually, I started my own blog and followed a few blogs including Surviving an Affair and Rescuing My Marriage. Months later, I saw on my reader feed that the Rescuing My Marriage blogger was going to be a guest on a conference call with Anne Brecht, the author of My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me. I marked my calendar and told my husband I had to participate in this conference call. The night of the phone call I gathered all the house phones in the house (so that no child could listen in accidentally on this call) and sat in my bedroom. I was half excited and half afraid of what I might hear on the conference call. I recall Anne talking about affair recovery being one of the most challenging traumas to overcome. She spoke of women who have dealt with incurable disease diagnoses, tragedy and death before infidelity. Each of these women claimed that the betrayal from their spouse’s infidelity was the most difficult. At the time those words seemed a bit far-fetched but they were comforting to hear. What I was feeling might be the worst thing I will ever experience in my life. Ever since I heard those words I have questioned the validity of that statement. Perhaps it is true but I hope to never know.

Infidelity brings out the worst in people. Infidelity shames the couple. My husband’s affair made me feel as though I was an incompetent wife. If I had only done “XYZ” then he wouldn’t have cheated. Even as we try to rebuild our marriage I receive messages from Other Women telling me I am a fool for staying in my marriage and that my husband will never be faithful. Infidelity made me hide from family and friends. I didn’t want anyone to see my pain, depression and the uncertainty in my life. I didn’t want anyone to know my husband cheated. I hid my suffering to protect my marriage. Infidelity divides people. For some reason, people feel inclined to take sides and make judgments on the couple and their marriage. Infidelity is difficult to forgive so I chose to tell no one in order to not have to manage other people’s perceptions, opinions and advice. Infidelity pushed me into a dark hole and made me feel more isolated than ever before in my life. The one person I thought I could always trust was suddenly and inexplicably untrustworthy. 

Moreover, I no longer trusted myself. I believed with all my being that my life was what it appeared to be. I began living in safe mode. It’s like I pressed F8 the morning I woke up as a betrayed spouse. When I discovered my husband’s affair I was devastated and even if I discovered another element to the affair or received bad news, I was already suffering. There were days I thought I would welcome death. While that statement is absolute truth, I feel self-conscious admitting it. I never wanted to hurt myself but in the beginning stages of discovering my husband’s affair I felt dead inside, numb to my life. It took time but it’s difficult to live in a box. I feared living outside of safe mode to avoid being vulnerable again. As my life moved forward the pain subsided.The haze lifted and I believe now, perhaps, this is my new normal. 

I write this post for every woman (or man) that has just discovered the affair. The betrayed spouse who has just discovered this is their new identity. The pain you feel will subside with time. You will know what to do in time. Trust yourself.

Empty Spaces Healing After My Husband's Affair

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59 thoughts on “This too shall pass and you will be okay again

  1. Thank you for your post. My first google search of infidelity seemed to open a hidden door. Like Alice in Wonderland and you never saw the door until it happens to you. I’m glad I wasn’t alone and that my feelings were normal. It’s patience that I long for now and peace. It’s a slow process but I will have it. I trust myself and God. Blessings

  2. Would you pretty please consider re-posting the 5 bullet points you mentioned in this blog? I want to make sure I haven’t missed anything.

    Thank you for your poem. You rock on many levels.

    • I was going to ask the same thing. Thank you all! I’m have the hardest time lately! All time is doing for me is making it worse and causing me to realize just how bad this situation really is!

  3. I have been following your blog for about 11 months and it’s like you follow me around. My d-day is the day after tomorrow. Aug 15th. It will be one year, that I have woken up everyday and felt the worst pain imaginable. I have been married for 18 years and am happy to say I stayed. Our situation is similar to yours. A lack of love for each other did not cause my husbands affair. Whenever I a am feeling so low you always write a blog. It’s like you are writing them for me. You always put into words what I cannot seem to get out. I have hope to be where you are. Today is a very low day I suspect because of the anniversary coming up. I believe and feel everything you wrote in this post. I have felt every emotion that you mentioned. I have welcomed the idea of death also but would never do it. I closed myself off from everyone after my own sister turned her back on me for staying. I try everyday to get past it to move on . I hate that this is my new normal. At what point do you just say ” I’m ready to let it go”? To move on with your new happiness . I tell myself everyday to be strong and not to let it win but sometimes I feel like I’m hitting my head against a brick wall. I thank you for your posts, your honesty, and most of all your ability to shine a light on one of the darkest tunnels I have ever been in.

    • Sorry it took me so long to respond to you. I don’t know how you answer that question–when do know if you are ready to let go. I guess for me it would be if I truly wasn’t happy. The first few months after my D-Day I wasn’t sure I wanted to even live another day. But I wasn’t going to give up on my kids and my life. But even in that darkness there were moments of happiness. After a long time I realized that I was happy and my love for my husband wasn’t making me miserable. The past was what hurt. So learning to let go of it and relinquish it’s power over me became my focus. I didn’t want to get lost in the pain anymore. Almost two years after my D-Day, I can honestly say that I am completely happy. There may be times when the affair bothers me but I control those emotions now. I push the sadness and the pain out and remember what I do have. I focus on my relationship and rebuilding a marriage that is strong, not selfish and healthy. I think we’re doing a good job but I know that things won’t always be perfect. I’m not after perfect–I am after feeling whole.

  4. Your blog is the reason I survived and am surviving! After I discovered the affair I was in a state of depression that I could never imagine. I couldn’t eat I couldn’t sleep and I didn’t go to work. And like you I didn’t want anyone to know. I told my few very best friends. And sadly after I changed jobs for a better life and a complete new start my best friend is no longer really in my life. I know she thinks I shouldn’t have stayed but that was my decision to make. It’s now a little over a year since my d-day and I’m so in love. He’s the husband I always wanted! I can’t say I make it easy or that every day is roses but where we are now is ironically somewhere we probably would never have been without going through the worst. But we did and we did it together! Who knows what the future holds for any of us but I’m enjoying every minute of our time together!

    • If you would please post the questions, that would be great. When I read your story I felt like I was reading my own. Your words, quotes and insights have brought me so much peace. Thank you.

  5. This is spot on and beautifully written. The references you make regarding pre and post D-day perspective of infidelity and the online,”underground” movement of betrayed spouses is perfect. My 9/22/12 D-day feels like forever ago and yesterday at the same time. Some days I feel as angry as that very day. Days like today, I hardly think about the affair. But in the end, we are still here and survived the worst of it (hopefully). Thank you for this gift – this post – today.

  6. I really felt every emotion/word you described in this blog. Right now I believe and pray daily that our marriage will overcome this affair, that the God I serve is stronger than any thing that tries to destroy HIS perfect plan (marriage). It’s been 15 months since my DdAy..I think I am getting better each day. There are some days I make Lil side comments about the affair, he doesn’t get angry with me about it anymore or at least he is more open to let me vent instead of trying to stop me from talking. Even though I don’t dwell on it like I use too, it still sits back in my mind especially when he’s working. I still have triggers and pray that those will go away too. I did Google searches also, that’s how I came upon your blog. This blog has truly helped me in realizing that my feels aren’t crazy. I’m not insane for staying. That yes if he was just a boyfriend, I would of walked. We built this life of 7 years and 3 kids later..even in the midst of the storm our 3rd (our baby girl) was conceived by God’s mercy and grace&blessed us with her. She has been a blessing everyday since she has entered this family. I still struggle, I know deep within the issue of an affair, it’s not my fault. It’s not me why he chose to have an affair. My husband has issues that only he can change/or.work out to be the husband I know God created him to be. In the meantime God is still working in me, in our family&especially in our marriage. We have a long ways to go. By no means am.i close to trusting him. In time, God’s time, our marriage will be fully restored as HIM as the foundation and center. Thank you for this blog who has helped think thru stuff and relate to others who.have been betrayed. On a good note, my husband and I started praying together over our marriage and children. GOD is Good!!

    • I’m happy that you and your husband can work things out.I can’t say the same my d-day will be here on8/18/2014 and it will be all over.I’m trying to move forward and stay busy but I can’t help but think about my marriage.It took me ten years to re-marry after my first husband died and he was the BEST that’s why it took so long but now it’s all over.I know GOD can do all things but my husband says he just want to be by himself it’s better for him.
      So keep me in your prayers and I’l be in pray that GOD keep his hand on your marriage.
      A Sad Mighty Woman Of GOD

  7. I just stumbled onto your blog after doing a google search for “I feel nothing for my husband after his affair,” I was not able to find a blog entry that reflected that sentiment – but reading through your entries – the state of your marriage before the affair, the description of your love for one another, the happy family, life, all that mirrors our marriage as well – I found out about my husband’s affair about 14 months ago – at the time I thought we would make it – he came to me about 3 months after it happened – the affair consisted of a couple weeks of texts, followed by one sexual encounter. He was completely remorseful, and desperate to make things work – doesn’t sound “so bad” right? we have been together 17 years, he had been chasing me for 20, since I was 14 and he was 15 – we’ve been married 10 years, 2 children, and were planning for our third at the time…when I found out I thought things would work out in the end – we had that initial reconnection, I’ve heard it called a sort of “honeymoon” after the revelation of an affair – but things have only gotten worse since then. We are still together, still living our lives, still the couple everyone wants to emulate…on the outside…I feel like the biggest trouble I am having is that I cannot relate to any other women in my reaction to the affair – I did not read your entire blog – I read a few entries and then tried to start at the beginning – but it was too emotionally overwhelming for me – so I don’t actually know if at some point in your recovery you or anyone commenting here has had a similar experience or if you can point me to something you have read in your internet travels. The one thought I can relate to is that it’s not fair that I have to start a “new marriage,” even if it may possibly be “better,” our pre-affair marriage was pretty good already, and so much of our life happened there, so I have a hard time letting it go. Of course I can relate to feeling betrayed as well, that is the core of all this. What I can’t relate to in all the discussions out there are the feelings of mistrust in the sense of other women, the fear that it will happen again, anger at the other woman, feeling that I am not good enough, and wanting to feel needed by my husband. I feel like I have forgiven him (maybe I haven’t?), I don’t hate him, in fact I do love him – as a person, as a good person, as a mostly good husband and a good father – but, being an extremely analytical person (my therapist backed this up – I think there is a good chance that I’m a Vulcan…) I have logically gotten through most of the issues that a betrayed spouse deals with – In terms of not trusting him with other women – I am not willing to be with someone I cannot trust – so since day one he has been free to keep his female friends, talk to them, and though he has offered to share his emails, texts, etc. I have no interest in that – if he is going to cheat again, he’s going to cheat again, I don’t want him to stop simply cause I might find out – ok – that’s taken care of – Anger at the other woman – she doesn’t matter to me, I’m not married to her – he is the one that betrayed me, not she – so that is not something that I struggle with at all – Feeling that I’m not good enough – he has spent 20 years showing me that he wants me, desires me, needs me – that part of our relationship certainly has not given me reason to self-doubt, there’s 20 years of him needing me on every level that has been established. The only things that remain are the desire to keep our family intact – purely for the happiness of the children – I don’t have any worries about surviving without him financially and with life responsibilities – and the other thing that remains is the hope that I will feel for him what I once did – 15 months ago. As analytical and logical as my reaction to almost everything in life is, my love for him, our love story, had no logic, it was purely emotion, desire, love, chemistry – I didn’t have to question if he fit “the guy I wanted to marry”, he just was – now that has been taken away from me and my only reaction is – feeling disconnected – attempting communication in our marriage therapy was a disaster – he got super emotional and I got overwhelmed and shut down – we were advised to take some time apart and not discuss our relationship for a week or so – very strange advice from a marriage counselor, to suggest that we stop communicating for a while – but I had completely shut down at that time. my therapist suggested that we “date” and engage in some affection to rekindle something – but having to do these things as a homework assignment has made me even more depressed. For all the things in life that I can compute, I don’t have an understanding of love, passion and desire as something that I can create, it was always something that just was between us. I don’t know if there is anyone out there that has survived an affair after coming to the point where they feel nothing for their husband – I haven’t found anyone to relate to – I don’t think my lack of feeling is due to anger, or hate, or lack of forgiveness – I have just emotionally disconnected from him and I don’t know how to make my way back…anyway – I’m sorry if this was not the appropriate place to post this comment – but it is a recent entry so it made sense to me- and I write in the hope that you have come across someone who has had a similar (lack of) healing experience that I am having…that said – I want to praise you on your strength and courage in the rebuilding of your marriage – and on your blog – I really do appreciate the thoughts – and feelings – and humor that you have put in words – I hope I can return to continue reading soon

    • Disconnected…. I fully understand how you are feeling. I am going through the same thing myself! It will be 14 months for me this month…in the beginning I thought we would be able to get past this but as time has passed all I realize is just how wrong what he did is…I keep rembering things he said and did during his affair months and now I realize how much he was lying to me then and how fake he was being…I will never understand how he could have been having a whole other relationship behind my back then coming home like the perfect husband and everything was great in our world?

      I do know I was already in a bad place when the truth came out…I had lost my job due to cut backs many months earlier…and I had spent most of what I had saved due to not working and I was also helping out my brother who got really sick…. So what I mean is I have not been finanaclly able to leave or I would be gone…so I feel that is my issue because right now I don’t want this marriage anymore and I am making plans to get out and it’s just taking so long because this broke me so bad I didn’t function for many months…and he spent all of our money during the affair and let all the bills get behind so we are just now getting on track there….I will get to where I need to be finacelly hopefully real soon!

      For a while I was mad at myself for being so blind but I trusted him and he has a job that requires long hours sometimes and lots of phone calls and issues with work…so I had no reason to question things his routine really never changed?

      But anyway keep me posted and if you find any answers please let me know….hang in there! Lots of love to you and I hate you find yourself here because I know how bad it sucks!

    • Wow…I must be part Vulcan too as I can totally relate to your situation. So much of what you wrote I could have written too. I’m only 6 months out from D-Day, but also struggle with feeling totally disconnected from my husband. My current theory is that it is a subconscious defense mechanism kicking in to protect me from any more pain while I wait to see if he can really become the person I’d want to love and not just the person I’m staying with because of the kids. I hope I’m not just clinging to false hope because the alternative is to wake-up and decide I really don’t love him and need to move on. For now I’m going to stay in my bubble of self-protection and wait to see if he can penetrate it back into my heart. Taking things one day at a time is all one can do sometimes.

  8. I want to thank you for this blog. Because of it, I am able to cope and make sense of how I feel. I am slowly healing and trying to figure out in the process how to keep my marriage alive. It is getting better…and I hope your does too.

  9. All of what you wrote I can either relate to or it gives me more hope as well as insight. In one of my previous comments I stated I believe everything happens for a reason. I am still trying to figure out what my reason is…..I truly believe that all the affair shit (for lack of better words) you have gone thru has led you to this. To helping all of us. You have given so many of us hope. Thank you Thank you!!!

  10. Another lovely post, thank you. I so agree with you about Infidelity recovery being an underground movement. Such an accurate term. It is as you say, amazingly strong but entirely clandestine. It’s like we are the unwritten or discarded part of the story of adultery. Why do we so easily own such negative views of ourselves when our husband decides to deceive us? It must come from what we have been conditioned to believe. I’ve seen Twitter accounts and blogs of the OW and their images are all stockings and suspender belts and stories that make themselves feel good. You don’t get quite the same scenario with the Other Man! Also, I’m not so sure that a betraying wife is viewed the same as a betraying husband. I’m beginning to wonder if its all a form of misogyny.

  11. Your blog has been a life saver for me. I am relieved when I check my email and see a new post. Somehow each time I read your new post I feel a brief period of peace. I am grateful for every moment of peace these days. I too, wish you would post the advice you were given.
    This post sounds like you have found some peace. I am happy for you.

  12. The thing that get’s to me since my D-day 18 months ago is how things will come at you randomly and set me into a tail spin again. I have processed the anger about the act, I’m no longer angry at him for his actions. But now all of a sudden, I am feeling like I am worthless as a woman and as a person or he wouldn’t of done what he did. If I had really meant anything to him he would not of been able to climb into bed with her. I never expected the “emotional” part of this to hit me like it did, and for no reason. I am tired of being sucker punched by things related to his affair, that are all things within my own mind. I can’t turn it off and I don’t like it.

    • It takes time. What worked for me was acknowledging a thought when it came to my mind but then distracting myself with something else within ten/fifteen seconds. It wasn’t immediately effective but over time the triggers lost their power over me. I stopped thinking about the affair on my drive to work or when I was alone. It took me almost a year from starting that method to getting to a point where I was able to let the emotional ties to the affair go. It’s not perfect and I’ve been caught off-guard at times but overall, I feel like this method works. Don’t let yourself sink into the pain.

  13. I agree with everyone here, yours was one of the first blogs I discovered shortly after D Day and I devoured every single word. Thank you! Altho I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, it’s been great knowing that I’ve not been alone. That others have travelled this road ahead of me and that other are traveling with me. Unfortunately I know that there will be other’s who have yet to find this crappy road, and my heart bleeds for them, it really does 😦

    • I think that’s one of the things I struggle with the most… the realization that I cannot change behavior or prevent anyone from cheating. I wish I could say something to make someone realize that an affair is just not worth the price but no one ever goes looking for advice before they cheat.
      Thank you so much for being here… reading my words. I am never certain they are quite right or express what I am trying to communicate but it seems that it connects.

  14. Loved your blog, it was spot on and honestly yours words mirror my own thoughts and feelings. Scary!! The one difference I feel is that I don’t feel my husband is trying. He says he loves me but his actions say the opposite. I don’t feel his love and I don’t see it. I feel lost and like I am just going through the days like a Zombie. Honestly, I am just praying to hold it together until our youngest daughter graduates and goes off to college. I don’t feel we will heal and I don’t think I want too. More and more I think I just don’t care.

    • I am sorry that you feel lost. Is your husband open to talking to you about all this or does he not like to discuss the affair/recovery? I know it’s hard for many men to acknowledge and discuss openly topics that have emotional landmines. Will he go to therapy with you? I also asked my husband to go on his own to therapy and it was one of my requirements. I wanted him to work on himself because it was his own insecurities that began the affair. Regardless of all this, you deserve to be happy. If your happiness means walking away from your marriage then you should consider that as an option. Your daughter and other children need to see you in a healthy relationship. Take care of yourself.

  15. Exactly a year on and I find I have longer periods of being able to deal with the images if his betrayal without feeling the intense pain of the early days. I’m still angry at him but much less of the time. Despite understanding and believing all his reassurances that it wasn’t me but all his self doubt and insecurity, the jealous bit of me (I’ve always known I can be jealous, but in a normal, not obsessional way), continues to feel excruciating pain over his cheating and the fact he was attracted to her to the extent he took the course of action that risked all he holds dear. He didn’t have full sex with her, said he never would have (so why bother with what they did do I wonder) but the images of what they did, said and the sexting, still pop into my head without invitation. I know he didn’t stop loving me, but that makes what he did seem even more a total waste of ….everything!

    I, like so many others take comfort from reading about the progress others have made and would also welcome the 5 rules please. I may have read them before but I read so much and was in such an emotional mess it just got lost.

  16. I’m so in pain. How the loved one can hurt us so much? Secrets and lies for many years.Life seems so worthless after betrayal.While i loved him and cared for him and our child every day he was cheating behind my back. He is not even that sorry because he felt that we were apart , i was supposedly spending to much time with our child and not giving him enough attention. Now he wants to rebuilt our marriage and put the past behind. How am i suppose to do that ?

    • My husband also felt like he had to take a backseat to our children and that was one of his excuses. I recall my therapist telling us both at our first appointment that we are both busy, raising three children, working full time, volunteering and being pulled in many directions–but we have to remember that our marriage is the center of our lives. We are two people and we may not always be exactly on the same page but we need to communicate when we feel unappreciated and need more attention. Usually, those feelings of unappreciation stem from our insecurities. Someone said recently to me that the impact we feel from another person’s actions are not usually their intention.

      It’s impossible to rebuild a healthy marriage but sweep an affair under the rug. You are hurt and struggling with the pain. This is an opportunity to give you the attention and love you need. It’s possible to be happy again. Build a marriage that is stronger than before.

  17. I just happened upon your blog after a google search. I feel like I’m reading my own thoughts as I make my way through your posts. I am 2 weeks post d-day. My husband came clean about an affair he’d had for three months with my best friend. I honestly think I could deal with this better if it had been anyone but her. It hurts so much. I can’t even describe it. Somehow we’ve decided to work this out. I am somewhat confident he’s committed, but there’s so much doubt at the same time. This post gives me hope that all my feelings of anger, sadness, anxiousness, being paranoid, and all these sleepless nights will begin to subside and I can move on. I just want to heal and move on with our lives.

    • Moving forward is difficult but also dealing with the deceit of your best friend must be painful too. Know that you aren’t alone in how you feel and that it can get better. Don’t get lost in the anger, sadness, anxiety–keep focused on the light at the end of the tunnel. Even if it’s such a small speck of light now–know that it’s there.

  18. Thank you, thank you, thank you! It’s comforting to know I’m not alone. I’m also two years out – tomorrow. It helps to hear others talk about how they are feeling after several years and that the pain I’m still feeling is normal. Sometimes I think that I should be past it by now, and I am to some extent. Time does heal. However, the pain, anger, disbelief, sadness are still there in the shadows, waiting for a moment of weakness to pop out and pick at the scab and make it bleed. And sometimes, I have to admit, it feels good to pick at the scab because I feel like I’m the only one who still cares/knows about the pain and I feel that I owe it to myself not to forget. I feel that if I completely let go of the anger, it’ll be like saying that what he did was ok. I don’t bash him over the head with it, but I do keep a hold of it inside. I’m afraid that this will undermine the strong marriage that we are building now, and both want. I guess I still have a lot of work ahead of me. Thank you again for your courage!

    • I totally relate to what you are saying. I am about a year and three months since my whole world was turned upside down. The past month has been really hard. I guess I feel like I still deserve more I’m sorry’s from him. I get mad that I still feel the pain every day from a stupid choice he made. Some days I get mad that he doesn’t get just how he shattered my self esteem, self worth and and ability to trust. I have been feeling like that a lot lately and it scares me…..

  19. My D-day was 6 days ago. I’ve gone looking online for other people who’ve gone through this and have come across this post. It has validated what I’m feeling and given me hope for the future. I sincerely thank you for that.

    • Hi Jennifer,
      I hope you are doing okay. The beginning is a struggle and I still believe it was the worst time in my life. Know that you are not alone. You will get through. Take care of yourself and you will know what to do.

  20. “The pain you feel will subside with time. You will know what to do in time. Trust yourself.” Thank you for those words. I feel like I’m in a dark tunnel and the light at the end has not appeared yet. It’s been just over three months since D-day. We’re committed to getting past this and moving into a better relationship. But my greatest fear is that I will not get past the pain. I appreciate your words.

    • I understand that fear too well. I’ve always been the type of person who remembers details. I don’t harbor resentment but how do you get over the pain? How do you forget and move on? The past two years I’ve learned it’s not about forgetting but more about rebuilding. It takes time to get to the place where I realized I could move forward.

      • Not sure what I’m rebuilding right now. Was the last 25 years all a lie? What’s real? How can he claim to love me so deeply now yet cheat on me? So confusing. I’m so tired right now of not being me any more. I want to laugh again. Sometimes I think it would be easier to leave and start over. But I won’t. He’s my life.

      • Leah…I can relate to what you are saying. I feel like our marriage was a complete lie and game to him because of everything he did during his affair, I seen that he is an excellent lier and actor. I am 14 months out from DDay and all time has done for me is made it worse! I am reminded of and triggered by things that have made me realize “that’s why he said or did this that day”. I have realized the extent of his deceit and manipulation. I just can’t come to terms with the fact that if he TRULY loved me this would not have happened, our love should have prevented it? I know I would not have done this to him because I would not have jeopardized our marriage.

        I hope it gets easier for you and everything works out!

  21. SoMuchHurt, I know we’re asking the same questions others ask and feeling the same pain. I have to believe it will get better or I’d go crazy. I hope time will ease some of your pain. Mine also.

    • I’m two and half months in and your words give me hope. Everyday I battle with the thoughts in my head. I’m two for two… My first husband left me with a 1 and 2 year old after I needed open heart and now 15 years later my second husband of 12 years followed the same path of destruction. After now raising his three children and my own in our Brady bunch life, I am left with unbearable pain again. This time it’s much worse because of the special bond and love we all have/had with each other. I need to stop the images in my head. They are slowly destroying me. I have decided at this point not to leave. His kids know bc they are a little older and he told them. Mine are in the dark. I need to stay for them right now. He has become their father and it would destroy them to lose him after their birth father has done the same. I’ve thrown myself into work and my kids lives and therapy to keep me busy. This all seems unreal and my days are dark with horrible thoughts. I’ve lived my life up till now fighting to live bc of health issues, but now I’m filled with such negativity and depression that I’m scared. Your words do give me hope but at the same time make me realize that this life will forever have pain in it that I didn’t ask for and need to bare forever.

      • I am glad I can offer you some hope. The darkness can feel overwhelming and the pain felt like a knife through my heart. I often wondered if there could be anything worse than the pain of betrayal. My husband’s affair left a scar upon me but it doesn’t hurt or cause me pain to see anymore. Over time I’ve learned that while this is a part of my past I never asked or wanted, it has made me stronger and a better person. In some strange twist, I feel like it’s made me a better wife than before.

        I hope that you are taking care of yourself. I hope that if you continue to stay in your marriage that your husband will continue to do whatever he needs to do to help you and your relationship recover from his betrayal.

  22. I’ve been searching the Internet for hours, days, trying to find answers, find help. It wasn’t until reading your post that I gained some sense of faith in my relationship. I may never ever understand why this happened to me, and I’m almost certain I’ll never be quite the same in the aftermath of such a painful experience. But one thing I am sure of is that I’m not alone in my pain and struggle. And this is NOT my fault. I love my partner with every part of me, and thanks to your posts I am much more confident we will be able to whether this storm. Though I may never hear back from you, and you may never even read my post, I just wanted to say thank you. You’re words were like calm waters following a tide wave of chaos. You’ve helped me more than you’ll ever know. Best of luck to you and you’re husband, and thank you again, from the bottom of my heart.
    Yours truly, Tera Allen

  23. Thank you for this post, and for opening yourself up to your readers and being vulnerable.
    2 1/2 years ago my husband was diagnosed with aggressive cancer (he is now in remission). My mother passed away 6 months ago. And 2 weeks ago, I found out my husband had an affair last year. I feel terrible for admitting it, but this pain feels like the worst pain of all 3. Maybe because it is fresh, who knows, but I feel comfort in reading the words you shared from Anne above. This is the first time I think I’ve allowed myself to say that this hurts the worst. More than the fear of him dying, more than the loss of my mother. While I feel guilt for saying it, I want to thank you for creating a safe space to share things like this. Your words are wise, and I take comfort in knowing that in time, the (hopefully worst) pain will subside and I will know what to do.

    • You are welcome. While I do not know the pain of losing my mother or fighting cancer… I do know how it feels to discover an affair. I think the part that destroys a person the most is the fact that your spouse is the person you trust the most in the world not to hurt you. The deception steals away security, trust and the believe that love is sacred. The pain will subside. It’s possible to rebuild after an affair. It just takes time.

    • Emily, I know EXACTLY how you feel. My father passed away three weeks after my D-day from cancer. My beloved mother-in-law just passed away last week. But I will tell you the pain of my husband’s betrayal hurts so much more than either one of those deaths. It’s been almost five months and the pain is still very deep. I cried just today and he held me and said he was sorry for the thousandth time. But I don’t cry every day any more and the pain isn’t as raw. Our 25th anniversary is next month and I’m determined that the next 25 years will be full of love and joy. His affair will NOT define our love or marriage.

      • Thank you for your response- it lessens the guilt for me to hear someone else say that the betrayal hurts more. I’m sorry to hear about your losses following D-Day. I feel like I’m at my pain limit right now, and can’t imagine what you are going through. I’m glad to hear the pain is less intense as time goes on. It’s hard to imagine that now. Good luck, and I hope your next 25 years are filled with more love and joy than you can even imagine.

  24. Help. Someone help. It’s been 64 days since my husband told me about his infidelity, and every day since I have felt the same anguish just as strongly as I did the moment he said “I cheated on you.” We have only been together for 3 years!! We have a 4 month old baby. He cheated on me less than a month after I gave birth and I thought our life together was perfect. While we were dating, I caught him in flirty “relationships” with other girls, and once after I discovered I was pregnant. Since then, he has proclaimed his love to me daily, going on and on about how much he “hates himself” for doing that to me, how I’m “a goddess,” “his queen.” You know…that bullshit. But I believed every word. I used to brag about how no matter what happens he is a faithful man, he has changed so completely, he would never even THINK to cheat on me. Then it happened. She was my friend. She slept over my house…”to help take care of my daughter” or so I thought. One time I saw him looking at her. She was wearing provocative clothes and I got jealous. I called him out on it later that day. He swore that he doesn’t even look at her in a sexual way. He told me that after having our daughter my body is so magnificent to him, that he doesn’t even want to watch porn anymore, that no other woman does it for him. I mean, I can’t stretch it enough how much he worshipped me with his words, I thought I was so lucky. It happened after a fight. I never suspected she would do that, and I definitely didn’t suspect him. What bothers me so badly is that if he only slept with her that time, if there was nothing else happening, WHY DID THEY STAY FRIENDS? WHy would he let her come back into my house and hold my baby and be “my friend”? If he felt such shame, why would he continue to text her and hang out with her? I don’t go a single day without crying. I don’t think I CAN trust him or feel comfortable or close in our marriage ever again. Please help. How do I move on?!

    • So sorry you are going thru this. I’m about 2 years and 3 months into finding out about my cheating spouse. I think first of all you really need to figure out if your husband is really committed to working things out and helping you heal. He needs to be honest and transparent about everything for as long as it takes. I think once he proves this things will slowly get better. He needs to stop any and every communication with this other woman or nothing will get better. If he does what you need things will get better but it will be a long ass journey. I still have days where I am a complete wreck but the good days do outnumber the bad. My marriage still needs tons of work and maybe I am not in the place to give advice but I can honestly say I feel your pain.
      I don’t know if I’ve helped but I do without a doubt know the pain you feel.

      Stay strong for you and your little one!

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