Two Years Later

730 days. 2 years

The past two years have been building up to this so-called anniversary. I read in a book shortly after my D-Day it takes two years to heal from betrayal/infidelity. All I wanted in the beginning was to get to this point: Two years after D-Day. In two years I hoped that I would have clarity on my husband’s affair. I hoped that I wouldn’t be angry, sad or damaged in two years-time. I hoped that the affair would be far behind me. . I hoped that I would be healed in two years-time. As I was approaching the two year mark I started to ask myself: Am I where I hoped I would be or has this journey led me to a place I did not expect?

Year One = Survival Mode

Healing after my husband's affair-move onThe first year I counted each day following my D-Day, then weeks, then months. I wanted time to pass quickly. In the beginning I wanted to wake up from the nightmare that had become my life and reawaken years later in a happy place. I believed there was something I could have done to prevent my husband from cheating. It was also the year I put my husband and marriage on trial. I asked him questions about his affair. I wanted to know everything. I believed that if I knew every detail of what went on behind my back that I could evaluate and figure out why my husband cheated. I wanted to have a reason this happened to me and my marriage. I needed to understand how Bat Shit penetrated our life. I couldn’t understand how we got to a place where my husband was having sex with another woman, writing her emails, lying to me and risking his career for his affair. If I had all the facts, understood the deception and intention then I would know what to next: stay or leave.

The first year was the emotional rollercoaster year. The first year was full of tears. I cried on my way to work on a daily basis. I cried at my desk at work. I cried at night when the house was dark and quiet. I cried as I watched my husband with our children. I cried until I became numb. The first year was full of triggers. By the end of year one I was beginning to focus on learning to live with the affair and not letting it control my emotions.

Year Two = Moving Forward

As I began year two all I wanted was to leave the affair in the past. I hated the baggage that I was carrying. I hated that I was left with a scar on my heart. I hated that my mind would drift to thoughts about the affair arbitrarily. I resented the control the affair took over my emotional and mental sanity.

Healing after my husband's affair-acceptanceI began year two with some acceptance of the affair in my life but I still felt unsettled and frustrated. I still hated Bat Shit. Hated, detested, cursed, etc. I wanted her to live a miserable life and I was still processing thoughts of what I would say to her given an opportunity. A year ago I was still contemplating contacting Bat Shit and having fictional conversations with her in my mind. At some point during year two I let go of the anger I was harboring towards Bat Shit. I do not forgive her. I do not like her. I do not empathize with her but I do not have to spend my energy hating her anymore either. I accept she targeted my husband, offered him the opportunity for an affair, and he accepted.

Year two was about moving forward and leaving the affair in the past. The pain subsided over the past twelve months but this feeling of emptiness lingered. The more I felt like I was moving past the affair, the more I felt a hole inside me. My husband’s affair attacked and shattered my inner-self (soul/heart/?) and left me with an empty space. I’ve spent the last six months trying to fill that empty hole I feel inside myself. I wish I had the answer on how to feel whole again but I don’t. Maybe year three will bring more answers.

What I’ve learned in two years is that marriage is not easy or black and white. I understand that choosing to stay or leave a marriage after infidelity is not always clear. Immediately after D-Day I decided to stay in my marriage until or unless I reached a point where I knew I needed to walk away. In two years I’ve had more instances that pushed me to stay in my marriage than leave. Actually, I can’t think of one moment I considered walking away. The last two years have been about appreciating the love and the relationship in spite of failure. I’ve learned that perfection is not everything. Sometimes the flaws in our relationships can transform into our most attractive features. I’ve learned more about myself during the lowest point in my life than any other time.

Healing after my husband's affair-chaosSo here I am, a little more than 730 days later. I am confident in my marriage. I am in love with my husband. It’s possible I am more in love with him now than when we first married each other. I’ve learned to let go of the pain from my husband’s affair but that doesn’t mean I’m over it yet. I still cried the day before my D-Day. I still struggle with my emotional memory of the past two years but, mentally, I know it’s in the past. I am certain I am where I need to be right now in my life. And really, that’s all I could ask for.

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49 thoughts on “Two Years Later

  1. I have been following your blog since about 3 months after my DDay. you are a year ahead of me as I just met the I year mark on September 6th. I don’t think anything has helped as much as your blog and a few others. Yours was the very first and the only for quite awhile. It has given me so much hope and courage.I still have my moments, I had one the other night. As we were lying in bed about to go to sleep I began to cry. I knew it was building all day. I saw (her) that morning. It was on my way home from taking my kids to school. That was the first time that I have.There she was, once a close friend who several times a week came to my house for coffee in the mornings.So it hurts that she is the other woman and also someone I loved dearly. He said to me that night as I cried. “Be stronger than the moment”. It was so profound. I thought “I can be stronger than the moment”. I have for over 365 days and counting. Some times the hurt feels like it could swallow me, but I can be stronger than the moment.

      • I am also a little over 2 years post discovery and find that with time I’ve gotten better clarity and perspective. But I know his infidelity will always be a blot in the history of our marriage, always be a tender spot, and has forever changed me. Though we are in a much better place now, and he is devoted to me and we covenant to love and protect each other now, we will always know that when crisis struck he failed me, us in some futile attempt to escape his demons. While his infidelity (treachery and lies) may not reflect all of who he is now, it is still a (tiny?) part of who he is/was and demonstrates what he is capable of and unlike others, I cannot/will not delude myself of that inescapable fact. And I know that the deep trauma of it rears its head up at unexpected moments, even years later, and while not as overwhelming as in the early stages of recovery, it’s still unsettling and I need comfort in these instances, not platitudes. In those moments I need him to acknowledge my pain and assuage it. If anything, we have learned that when one of us hurts, the other must comfort and do what we need to get through it. It’s not my problem, it’s our problem, especially since he caused it. This is his burden to bear for the rest of his life. And while it may get lighter through the years, it will always be there. But isn’t that as it ought to be? Should something so deeply devastating and almost unendurable really be forgotten in a few short years? It’s etched on my (our) souls. How else to ensure that we’re better for it and not repeat the same mistakes?

    • It will 3 yrs for me Thanksgiving day. I still think about Dday every day. I wish I could just get over it, he has and we are still together which great. I think he has moved on but it’s me that is stuck. It was such a shock and took me to the lowest point in life in spite many awful things I’ve endured. This has made me reset priorities, be more real and less judgmental of others, I’m at a different point spiritually. I still can’t stand to hear her name or the state she lives in. I ask up front for what I need from him rather than hoping that he’ll figure it out or I give it to myself. It might be a self message to the mirror that I look great or some other little gift. I know that if he did leave me today that I am stronger and would make it. I’ve saved money back and have a plan B in case. I am going to do something different for Thanksgiving this year, I hope he’ll go with me on a little trip but if not then I’m going alone or with my sister. But I AM GOING TO GET OVER THIS…not today…but one day. I will be renaming this day “Thankful Day” for I truly have much to be thankful for.

  2. Your words deeply resonate with me. On October 6th it will have been 1.5 years since D-day and I’m feeling a lot like you. I know it’s in the past and I’m immensely grateful to be where we are in our marriage, but thoughts of the OW or the affair will still pop in my mind. Stupid little things will be remind me of her and it annoys me and makes me sad. But the difference from a year ago is that it’s just a momentary annoyance or feeling of sadness; it doesn’t send me into a depression or bout of crying. It makes me hopeful that with every year between us and the affair things will get better and better. We’re also taking about moving next year, so being in a new home and new city would help a lot, too! Thank you for sharing your thoughts, it’s always nice to know someone else out there is feeling the same way you are. 🙂

  3. At two years, I have that empty hole too, but I’m not more in love with my husband. I wish I had that. Maybe if I did, I wouldn’t fantasize about divorce.

      • Just rolling on. Bug lavishes me with attention, and I’m more confused because he such a good guy. I don’t think I could do better, but IDK, I still think about leaving from time-to-time.

    • Its been 3 years for me and I still fantasize about divorce! I don’t know if I will ever get over this. I do not trust him, but at least I’m not still tracking him with a GPS and have taken down the surveillance cameras. I just am waiting for the bomb to drop – again! Just wondering when he will screw up again. Just wondering who the next AP will be. I’ve become so depressed and I’m not the person I used to be. I used to be happy-go-lucky, fun to be around. Now I just want to sit at home and watch TV. I’ve gained about 20 pounds, which doesn’t help my attitude. I just want to be happy again and wonder if I can ever be happy with him. Some days I just want to tell him how f-ing much I hate him! Other days I feel like I’m still in love with him, or maybe it’s just pity. I don’t know. But I know I do not feel better about our marriage. He ran me down to the OW every single day for 9 years. How does one get over that?!

    • It has been 3 years since you wrote that, but I just read it. It has been 10 months since D-Day for me. I wish the divorce fantasies would go away.

  4. I’m only a little over three months out and I’m scared. Scared that I’ll still be crying after two years. I’m so sick and tired of crying! I’m scared about the emotional flooding. I’m so sick and tired of emotional flooding! Most of all I’m scared that I’ll never get past this and my struggle to save our marriage will have been wasted. I’m scared.

    • I’m almost at 5 months. It IS exhausting, isn’t it? I’m so tired of the crying, and the sadness, and the anger, and the fear. Sometimes it feels like it’s going to be like this forever.

  5. I’m 58 days in and I wonder when everything will stop being measured by D-Day. I wanted to save my marriage but my husband didn’t/doesn’t want anything to do with me or reconciling our marriage so I deal daily with not only the loss of trust but also the loss of my marriage, my friend and my life as I knew it.

  6. It has been 3 months and three days since I discovered my husband has been having an affair. It had been going on 6 months at least. He denies it… But after knowing him 25 years I can tell he was lying when I confronted him. I wish I could have been able to tell he was lying about where he had been. I am 40 and have been married 18 years ; two children, a stay at home Mom for ten years. I hated that I was betrayed. I feel if it was a one night stand it would be easier to get over. It is knowing he had a secret intimate RELATIONSHIP behind my back. He found time to hide and be with someone behind my back. I am ha ing Trac phone number s mailed to me within a month from a phone that supposedly was for his flooring workers. If I confront him with what I am sure to find it could just make Christmas harder to enjoy with the kids. Just trying to cope for now with the pain. How will I ever trust him again? Part of me is happy he is ashamed to admit it is true.

  7. Thank you for this post. I am 6 months after the day I found out. Every time Think I’ve reached the the point of walking out with my two children, I feel a deep sense of disappointment in myself for my inability to accept failure in my husband while I know I have my own failings. I’m slowly searching for this strength in myself. I’ve also had thoughts about what I would say to the other woman but from the moment my psychiatrist told me she was a psychopath, my feelings toward her turn from hate to pity. My heart aches for her two small children that she left almost every weekend only to fulfill her need to control, manipulate and destroy another person’s humanity. I am inspired by your strength and compassion. Thank you for contuing to share you journey.

  8. First off, congratulations on enduring 2 years of courageous recovery. My cup of gratitude overflows every time I read a new post.

    Secondly, if you’ve a chance, listen to the free podcast called: On Being with Krista Tippett this week:

    http://www.onbeing.org/program/pursuing-happiness-dalai-lama/147

    The subject this week is Pursuing Happiness & includes the voices of The 14th Dalai Lama, Jonathan Sacks and Seyyed Hossein Nasr.
    At one point they discuss “letting go of hate” as a pathway to freedom.
    Also, the importance of loving our precious body & the power of the mind. I hope you enjoy this podcast, many of the previous ones are worth listening too, also.

    And finally, I’ve read and listened to: All is well : heal your body with medicine, affirmations, and intuition by Louise Hay. Our public library has it so I indulge whenever my spirit sways toward sadness. It has been instrumental in my healing & growth.

    Much love to you. Namaste.

    PS I am secretly counting the days till my 2 year mark . . . 10 months away.

  9. I am so glad I found your blog. You have helped me in so many ways. I look forward to each post, wish there were more! There are so many days that I could use the support you provide in your posts. It is about a year and 1/3rd past my D day, (which was on the real D day). There are times it is better and times that I fear things are as good as they are going to get. I still cry all the time, Things build and I need to talk or ask questions about the affair. It is good to know I’m not crazy. It’s good to know that you have made it past some things and are feeling better about things. It is good to know there is some hope. Thank you for sharing your path with us. It means so much.

  10. I’m 14 months in and am so grateful for your words. Sometimes, knowing we’re not crazy and alone is what it takes. Thank you for being honest about where you are at and the hope you provide.

  11. My D Day was only 6 weeks after yours and your blog helped me immensely. It is only recently that I have had the courage to start blogging myself, but it is healing. I agree with you about the emptiness at the 2 year stage. Maybe, we need that emptiness, so that in the coming year we can be filled up all the positive emotions instead of just pain.

  12. I’m 14 months into my D-day. It’s been an overwhelming emotional roller coaster. I’m getting to a better place. My husbands been amazing in helping me but it still is the worse pain I’ve felt. Thank you for sharing your story it’s been extremely helpful☺️

  13. I am just over 1 month since D-Day.
    I am just starting to feel better looking forward to 1 year mark and then 2 year mark …
    Counselling has been a good help my doctor told me to focus on my work and found that to be a good relief as when I was not busy I had time to think and my thoughts would bring me To square 1 .
    I need to focus on moving forward , I feel I now have a new husband he is very remorseful of his actions and is being so good to me now better than he has been for the last 20 years of our marriage with 3 kids Latter he is better in every way .
    His words to me also have help me when he tells me “you do not realize what you have untill you are about to loose it”
    He is very appreciative that I did not want a divorce.
    And I am too cause I always loved him.
    Why does having caught him in the cookie jar made him a better husband?

  14. Thank you for sharing your ongoing journey. It is such a relief to hear I’m not crazy to think and feel the same things you did about affair partners, marriage, all of it. I’m only 6 months into my journey and finally making it through a few more days each time without crying. I know I have to give myself time to grieve/process/heal, but some days I still can’t believe this is my life. I’m trying to channel my energy from this whole thing into something more positive…volunteering more, joining a book club, running. I’m in “watching and waiting” mode with my husband…can he really take the actions he should have taken to deal with his low self-esteem and issues that led him to “escape” to his fantasy world with his AP. Maybe my aversion to him touching me is my subconscious telling me to protect myself in case he can’t really change??

    • I think it’s normal to be subconsciously distanced to protect yourself. It’s impossible to predict what’s next after the most unexpected happens. I hope you are taking it day by day. Don’t dwell in the bad days because there will be more good ones that bad.

      • I will be hitting my 3 yr D day Thanksgiving Day. I’m NOT looking forward to that Turkey. In my husband’s mind it’s over, But it haunts me every day. I hadn’t looked at his cell phone in several weeks, but I did last night. I didn’t see where he’d called her, but another strange number left me queasy and now I’m stirred up again. Just GET OVER IT! Yeah, right. I wonder if I will take this to my grave.

      • Isn’t it horrible how we can never trust strange/unknown numbers again. My husband assigned his AP’s phone number to another person’s name and called it their work number. So for me–I hate all people that call/text him. I don’t think he’s texting or calling anyone these days but it’s hard to get past that trauma. I hope your Thanksgiving goes better than you expect.

      • I hate knowing what I do, I hate no knowing and the wondering. He must know I check his phone, he keeps it close. I know that its out of my hands, there’s nothing I can control but myself. Will it EVER end? Will I EVER get over this? I think it’s me, I need to get over it already.

      • Its been one year since d-day Nov 17, I still check his phone for unknown numbers. I can’t help it. I just don’t want to be fooled again. I have a reverse phone site. Whenever I get that Something’s not right feeling I gotta check it out. I’m just not secure about us yet.
        But I’m trying.

      • There will be a day when you no longer need to check the phone bill. Of course, there may be moments along the way when you need that reassurance again. Challenge yourself not to check the next time you get the urge. Then if it’s really killing you let yourself check. It’s so hard to trust again but you’ll find the trust returns slowly.

      • It is hard to trust and its ok to give yourself permission to do what you need to so trust can grow. I’ve decided I don’t want to be one of those bitter old women I see at the grocery store. I wonder if they’ve been through something similar to what I’ve been through and feel differently about them, but I STILL don’t want to BE one of them! And I refuse to let that other old bag still my joy and a good marriage. You keep being your sweet self, trust yourself and your heart and you’ll be on the right track.

  15. I’m two years ,i cant believe I’m still in all of this. My husband is still not been honest he just wants it to go away. So we’re living this life that’s strange ,since my last trip on to your page I have grown so much. I finely love me ! .Thanks for sharing your life with us , your page helped me so much. I finely opened my eyes to what was really going on in my life. and this place was where it started. Thanks , A

  16. Tomorrow is my 3-year D-day anniversary, and I am not doing well tonight. Everyone in my family is gone to a band competition. Two weeks ago, my youngest (14) was admitted to a psych hospital for suicidal thoughts, largely due to the fallout of the affair. Even though things seem to look up for a while for my husband and me, it seems to be one step forward and two steps back. I would love to give some words of wisdom, but I just think I’m cursed.

  17. This is very powerful. I found out about my husband’s emotional affair about a month ago and I found out that it at one point turned physical just last night. I have already spent so much time crying over the state of our marriage during the last 6 weeks that I am eager to put this all behind me. He *says* he feels terrible for what he has done and I want that to be enough but I’ve already got a bug in my ear saying I need to walk away and never look back. I’m not ready to do that.
    It was almost a relief. A.) It meant that I was right all along and B.) It gives me an answer as to why he’s been talking divorce (“leaving is the only way to fix this”) rather than the previous none answer (“You’re a _______ and a _________and I don’t want to be with you”). It was like a bunch of static stopped and replaced it with a blue screen.

  18. I have been following your blog few days after the DDay. I was 7 months pregnant when I found out he was cheating. Now its almost 8 months after the DDay but we fight over the incident sometimes. He says I am not trying to move on. He has made eforts to improve our lives. But sometimes I see the other woman and that triggers me. The string of crying and fighting follows suit. I am tired of this ordeal. I have a 6 month old baby and am depressed some days. How can I move forward? I am depressed and boring most of the time. I feel I have lost my spirit and disillusioned. Help me .

    Lucky

    • When I was about 8 months after D-Day I went for a walk with my husband. I told him I needed him to support me if I was having a bad day now, two years or five years. I needed to know that if I was struggling with something from his affair that it would be okay to tell him. I didn’t want to fall into this trap of silence. That’s where we were before the affair. We weren’t talking about how we were feeling or what we needed. I wanted my husband to realize his affair wasn’t something that I could just get over. I never intend to punish him, I just needed his support to get through some days. It’s difficult for the betrayer to understand sometimes. My husband ended his affair and closed the door. He didn’t miss his AP, he didn’t need to revisit the affair – but I did. I needed to make peace with his affair but it was a changing target. Hopefully, you can tell your husband you are trying to move forward. It’s just that healing doesn’t always feel like you are only moving forward. It’s a game–two steps forward, one step back… Eventually, you will just move forward.
      The biggest advice I can give you is to take care of yourself first. You know how on an airplane they tell you to put your oxygen mask on before you help others? That is how you need to handle infidelity too. Your baby needs you to take care of yourself first so that you can be the best mom you can be. If you are depressed, please get help. Talk to your doctor or go to a therapist. You are not boring–you are just trying to get through your day. I know that feeling too. Find something that can distract your mind. Take time for yourself. This is important and if you are like me, you are the last person to take time out for your own needs.

  19. I’m on day 5. I chose to stick by him and try to save our marriage. It was his high school sweetheart and they have been talking and “sexting” for god knows how long. The messages that I found have changed my life forever. I feel like i will never trust anyone ever again. Before i found out what was going on I had never been happier. We were even trying to have another baby(still might even be pregnant,hope to god I’m not). He told her if she lived closer, she would be the one getting pregnant. My heart is full of sadness and their conversations keep playing over and over again in my head. I’m so glad I found this blog, its comforting to know that I’m not alone. I feel like I can’t turn to my family because I don’t want them judging my husband or resenting him and making family gatherings awkward. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us ❤

    • I understand that feeling of replaying conversations in my head. I read through so many email messages between my husband and his AP. There are still words that resonate in my brain that I wished I never read. Their power isn’t as strong as they were in the beginning but I can’t say I enjoy hearing those trigger words. For me, it was deleting all the emails from his account that helped me. Although there were times I wished I had kept them, I know I did the right thing for my mental health and our relationship by deleting them.
      I did the same thing… I didn’t tell my family about my husband’s affair. I’ve never regretted that choice. I’ve always been private about my relationship(s) so sharing this information would have added a layer of discomfort I didn’t need.
      Take care. xoxo

      • I have not told anyone except our therapist and one very trusted friend of both of our’s and my husband told his best friend who is a counselor so he has to keep the confidentiality. I don’t want anyone to ever know, what good would that do except to give them something to talk about?

  20. Finally when I thought the worst was over, yday I found out that he was talking to OW very day from his office phone. Now am back to where I started 8 months ago. Why can’t he stay away from her? She was the one calling him up every single day , morn and evening. Hurts to know that he never stopped communicating even after so much trouble his relationship has caused our marriage. Wondering why she has so much control over him. I decided to b separated from him. Its the third time I am intervening and am tired. I cannot go on like this. Am almost giving up.

    L

  21. I went for EMDR therapy yesterday and it is so amazing! I have had a horrible time with visions, non stop of my husband and his affair partners. I cannot tell you how productive and effective the session was. Today I have thought and tried to recall the vision I worked on and it comes to my mind quickly and then flits away like a butterfly. Please read up on it and find a therapist to help you. I will continue it on the other issues I am having a hard time dealing with.

  22. I want to say thank you for writing this. Because it felt like you were talking to me, that you knew exactly what I was feeling. Specially since all my feelings are so raw right now. It’s been since October 28 since I found out just part of the affairs my husband had been having. And finally the Monday before thanksgiving the bomb hit and I found out there were 3 women all short term affairs. Which does not make it any better. How do I ever move forward with this as he had a one night affair 2 years ago. I was just starting to heal, I was starting to love forward, to trust, and to forgive, and then this all hit. How could he do this again to me after all the pain and devastation I felt 2 years ago. I don’t understand. This time he has decided to join a group and even go to a week treatment center. But will that even be enough to save our marriage? How can I ever trust him again? How can I ever love him again like I did before? My heart has never been in so much pain and so shattered that I fear it will never heal.

    • If I might offer advice… Take one day at a time, see where the treatment goes. If he is willing to take the big step of treatment, then it means he is seeking help, be a part of it if you can be. Remember the reasons you married him and have stayed with him. This is coming from a woman who is still seeking trust, forgiveness, and hope after 3 yrs. Don’t let the devil interfere, seek peace in your heart when you can and do everything to heal your own heart. Work on yourself too. Thoughts are with you.

  23. I am 18 months since my D day. My husband has bent over backwards for me and my children to show he regrets what happened. I DO appreciate that. But…I miss the way I used to feel. Blissfully happy with my normal mundane life. I loved that there was no drama. I sat at my desk at work and took a deep breath to enjoy that every day. So after I found out my husband had a3 (maybe 4) month affair with a friend of mine, my happy bubble was burst I just want my bubble back and I don’t know how to get it back. He can’t do much else to show me he is devoted to us, but that certainty has been breeched. Just goes to show you, think twice, act once.

  24. Hi, I’m just over the two year mark and until I read your post I thought I was going crazy. I feel so numb and empty… my self worth is at an all time low. To the outside world I’m confident and look happy. we are trying to work things out with counselling but the feeling of worthlessness can be overwhelming sometimes. I honestly can’t seem to understand why anyone would be interested in knowing me. so to read that it’s part and parcel of the road to recovery and that it is normal gives me hope. I’m crying as I’m writing this. Thank you.

  25. Thank you for this blog! I swear every word I read I felt like you took it right out of my mouth…. it’s good to know that I am not alone in all of these feelings…
    It’s been around a year and honest to god things still hurt so much… it feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.. I found out about his affair , when I was 5 months pregnant. I resented him so much bc he wanted a child so bad and I was so young 20.. I feel as though I sacrificed everything for him only to be repaid with lies and betrayal.. The absolute worst part of it all is OW claims she also had a baby by him and he refuses to take a DNA test. He says he loves me, and has never looked back. But LOVE And only LOVE is never enough ……

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