Trying to find the right words.

I hate my last post. I won’t delete it because I think this is all part of the process.

The truth is being at the two-year mark means the honeymoon is over. Strange to think of the first two years as anything special or celebratory but there was a renewal in my marriage during those first two years. Immediately on my D-day I had to make the decision: fight or flight. I chose to stay and that means that mixed in all the pain, sadness and anger, that were clearly present, there was also hope. There was a revitalization of our love. We had to remember what was at the core of our relationship and take solace in a belief that we were still special and our love was worth the fight. The first two years may have been a nightmare (that I would never want to relive-ever) but there was also a tremendous amount of love, honesty and support.

Letting go-Healing-After-Husband's-AffairTwo years later we fall back into our old habits again. We don’t always tell each other our needs because we fall into the trap of not wanting to hurt the other person’s feelings. I don’t bring up my doubts or fears any longer because I feel like I need to push forward. So when I fall apart, I keep it to myself. Don’t get me wrong, most days are good and I don’t harbor any resentment or sadness. But how is this different from our relationship before his affair? We were happy then. We spent time together. The only difference is our sex life was “normal” then and now it’s more than healthy. Keeping intimacy at the forefront of our marriage is one of the best results from this mess. I realize how much I need to feel desired, wanted and feel that closeness to my husband.

The biggest struggle with entering into this new phase of our relationship is realizing the riptide of sadness and depression can still pull me in. I know how easy it could be to drown in the pain. There’s a hole in my life. For two years, I’ve searched for the missing pieces or a way to fill the cracks. I wanted to believe that I could fix my brokenness. In the first year it was a search for information. If I could understand and figure out exactly what happened then I would feel whole again. During the second year, I accepted that what was missing may be gone forever and I tried to fill those empty spaces with other people, other activities, ignite a new passion. I’m just starting out into year three and I have spent that past month looking back at my life. I’ve analyzed my marriage and how our relationship began. I’ve pinpointed warning signs and recognized that I chose my husband in spite of those red flags. I chose him. I wanted our relationship and I fought for him. Our relationship did not come easily. There were obstacles but I was young, in love and I believed we were invincible. I loved him.

I love him. I define love differently now.

I’ve spent my entire adult life with my husband. He’s been with me as I grew from a teenager into a young woman into a mother. He’s nurtured me and I still believe he is the love of my life. I do not think I will or could ever love anyone more than him. Yet, I am beginning to believe the strength of our love is a result of time, children and family. We choose our spouse. We choose to continue to love even when we feel empty. And I am beginning to wonder if that’s what makes a marriage last, a trust that no matter what shit is thrown in your face you will come home, eat dinner together, clink wine glasses, and kiss lips before falling asleep at the end of each day.

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81 thoughts on “Trying to find the right words.

  1. Part of this post give me hope, and part scares me. I’m not quite five months from D-day and I’m already tired of the painful emotions. The thought that two years later I’ll still cry scares me. Yet you give me hope that better days are ahead. I’ve known my husband since I was 15 so like you we’ve grown up together. I can’t imagine my life with anyone else. But I’ve imagined my life alone. That scares me as well. Thanks for your honesty. It makes a difference. I believe my fight for my marriage is worth the pain.

    • There are better days ahead. I promise. I was you and had the same fears. I never thought I would make it. Today I’m cleaning my house with my hubby helping me. He smiles at me and I feel so safe. I never thought that was even possible.

    • The pain is so much less now. The emotional roller coaster ride of the first year was one of the most difficult things to go through. Yet there was a part of that first year that was unique. This need and desire to be one again with my husband. There was also an honesty that I’ve never felt before. It’s almost as though we had reached rock bottom and we just laid everything on the table. It was refreshing to just be honest and say–when you did XYZ it made me feel this way. Those conversations were the groundwork for our healing.
      As I move forward now it’s learning to let go of what is behind us. There will always be a resistance to change especially when pre-affair I thought we had an amazing relationship.
      While I have never considered walking away from my marriage I have imagined or thought about what my life would be like if I was alone too. I think we have to–we have to be prepared because we cannot control our spouses. We cannot force them to be faithful or committed. But I truly believe if you hold onto the love and hope that the days will become better… you will get better with each passing day.

      • You know something, it’s women like you that were and still are my life line. I am so thankful for all of you. Without you I don’t think these last few years would have been doable. I’m thankful. For everyone of you. We are all survivors. I have decided after much consideration to re do my blog. The only issue I have is that I think I need to address the big giant elephant aka the other woman. I didn’t want too but I have to. I want to be a life line but at some point I have to address it. I really wish I wouldn’t have too but I gave it a lot of thought. My conclusions were that there’s no way to write positive blogs and my journey without addressing it. That’s the question I had for you all. If I should address it. Let me know your thoughts. I will not concentrate on the OW except for one blog which I’m calling the classification of the ow….let me know your thoughts. I’m currently reading blogs and info to help me write this. But I welcome all your thoughts. You guys are survivors.

  2. Wow! Could not have said it better! I find myself fighting to hang on to the honeymoon phase. I need it to last a long long time. I need my husband to continue going the extra mile. To feel that wants and needs me as much as I wanted and needed him before d-day. Strangely I do want him and I do need him, but with time I am finding my own courage to know that I would be okay without him.
    It takes courage and a huge, gigantic heart to go on! Courage to live with the pain of special irreplaceable memories that were ours but were shared with another woman.

    Courage!

    • I wasn’t sure if I was the only one to feel this way. Before my D-day I realized my husband was probably unaware of what calendar day it was. I know he was aware of the general time of year/month. I felt like saying: “hey, fyi-my d-day is Monday” was emphasizing the day. Making it into something that it shouldn’t be. Yet, I felt like him saying nothing was strange too.
      The whole thing is impossible to figure out sometimes.

  3. Thank you. I thought it was only me. The fist two years were phenomenal. And now it’s not the same as it was pre DDay and it’s the same as the first two years after DDay. My therapist said it’s totally normal. We both have changed. I thought I was the only one that noticed the difference. One thing for sure we ate both very changed and happy.

    • When I mean phenomenal I mean the sex was wild and very intense, now it’s not as it was. I’m not sure how to explain it. It’s still great and stuff but it’s like we aren’t proving to each other that we want each other like we did when we decided to stay married and the witch was gone. I don’t mind. Well sometimes I do. But he always says it’s not quantity it’s quality lol the quality is good. I so don’t make sense

      • I understand what you are saying completely. I was insatiable for the first two years in bed. So was he. The sex is still amazing but it’s the intense desire and NEED is more normal. We still have sex almost every day but if we don’t it’s not a big deal. The first year I was a basket-case if we missed a day of sex.
        You make perfect sense. 🙂

  4. Wow! This was terrific. I felt like I was reading something I wrote. My life, my story. I was 17 when we started dating. Here we are 25 years later and this is what I am facing as well. Thank you.

    • Guys I actually have a question for you all. It is about the OW. I will not ask if you guys are uncomfortable I would never. So if you guys feel uncomfortable let me know. If you feel comfortable let me know. As a wife who shakes at the thought of coming face to face with the witch I can understand being uncomfortable trust me

  5. Well said. I am at the point (5months in) that I am having better days but always seem to slip into depression after a week or so. You give me hope and a little fear as well, that the gaping wound never quite heals. I will never trust again and the stress of that is very difficult. BTW I too have been married my entire adult life to the same man. Over 30 yrs. so utterly devastating to make such a discovery of someone you thought you new and trusted…

    • I wonder if it would be any different if we hadn’t married when I was so young. I don’t think it would change his behavior but it may have changed how I coped after D-day. Idk.
      You are five months and I promise it will get better. Regardless of my bad days none are anywhere close to what I went through in the first year. I respect my husband. I love him. The affair doesn’t really bother me anymore. It’s just that I do feel this emptiness. It’s minor in the grand scheme of life but it’s there.

  6. I been following your blog for a couple months now. Never commented before because I guess I was to scared to admit that I am too in the same roller coaster. I am short of two years from my D day. I married young and didn’t think I would look back and regret getting married young. We were happy and in love (atleast I thought). We had been married for 12 years when he confessed that he had been unfaithful most of our marriage. He was not the man I believe I married. “How could he have hurt me this way”, I think this on a daily basis. Blogs like yours help me to not feel alone and your thoughts and emotions are what many women feel and go through. Is HOPE that I hold too. This is the first time I have share my pain of D day and hope with time this pain goes away. We are trying to work it out but everyday is a struggle when you don’t have that trust.

    • I agree with you. I don’t regret getting married young either. I think in many ways my love for him is stronger because he was my first love.
      I think if your husband is like mine and he is honest with you now, working on the marriage and trying to rebuild then you can trust. I recently realized that I can trust my husband. Maybe it’s not an absolute 100% but it’s close…

  7. Once again, you speak my mind. Although I feel you are doing “better” than I am heading into Year Three (you and I share the same D-Day), as I am still living in what I call the “dead zone” most days. I am indifferent, numb, and still cry about the affair.

    You really hit home in your description of the honeymoon period. While it was the most horrible year of my life, I have never felt more ALIVE than I did that year. And the passion we shared, WOW. I long to feel that passion again, but it’s gone.

    The hole is very real. I feel the emptiness every day, and I still search for what it is that’s supposed to fill it now. I still feel so lost.

    • It’s good to know that what I am feeling is “normal”… that you feel the same way is something important. I didn’t expect year 3 to begin this way.

      I hope you can release yourself from the numbness. I totally understand it though. You become indifferent to protect yourself. We were unprotected when our husbands decided to cheat. But I’ve found myself in tears a few times in the last month unexpectedly. It’s not the same type of sadness I felt in the beginning… it’s different.

  8. I think the comfort of him infuriates me. I chose him to be with him and be loyal. He wasn’t, I am at a point today where I don’t want him, I really want nothing to do with him.. It’s hard to move forward when I’m like this.
    I am 6 months out and still I turn to hating him, good days do come but they do not outweigh the bad for sure

    • Totally normal. We don’t have candles lol because I use to throw them at his head. Anger is one of the normal ways of this process. Wait till you get to the good parts of the process

    • I read your post from yesterday where you ended: “I want to build a life that I don’t need a vacation from.” I couldn’t agree more with you.
      Six months was raw for me still. While I never “hated” (per-say) I still felt like my life had been dismantled, trampled upon and destroyed by the person I loved most in the world. I felt like I couldn’t breathe at times. It was around 8-9 months in that I was able to move on to the next phase. It’s different for everyone though.
      I never imagined betrayal to pierce my heart and my spirit like it has.

  9. Ring the bells that still can ring
    Forget your perfect offering
    There is a crack in everything
    That’s how the light gets in.

    ~Leonard Cohen

  10. Time heals all was stated by one who never dealt with the devastation of an affair. After almost 5 years (11/28) from Dday I will give you my pieces of wisdom. The healing will never feel like what you think it should (ie pre-affair), healing after an affair takes dedication to love, marriage and forever. The longer you hold divorce in one hand, the harder it will be to build your new marriage. That’s correct your new marriage for each time you try to return to how it use to be, you slow down the building of your new marriage. If something from your past marriage worked, build it in your new life. Keep your marriage as the focus by dating each other, always. We have marriage check ups monthly at our date nights, a list of questions or statements that we go into date night ready to discuss, sometimes its easy things but most of the time its the hard stuff. Now at our almost 5 year mark I can say I am proud of the marriage we have built. Its hard work but when I forgave I made a commitment to my husband and God that I would not serve his affair to him for breakfast everyday. Stepping off my soap box I will say one more thing….if your man is willing to fight, willing to work and willing to stay through your building, the hurt will be less as time goes on.

    • Its painful most of the time for me. After 12 years of marriage, my husband had confessed that he was unfaithful most of our marriage. It was devastating and heartbreaking. I am close to my 2 year D day. Most days I am depressed and sad. My husband tries to do things to make me happy but I always second guess his motives. I don’t trust the man I married. I pray everyday that this pain goes away and I lose HOPE that it will never go away. After I read the comment post 5 years, it gave me hope that my relationship with my husband can be different.

  11. D-day for me was 10 years ago. We’re still together because of finances. He still hopes and wants things to workout….I’m done! All these years later….I realize that you cannot stop communicating. Like you, the first couple of years felt like a relief to be able to be totally honest and open. Life happens…..I can’t go back to the person I was and I can’t feel what I once felt! 😦

    • I read your words and I feel the sadness but I get it. My husband is amazing and has done everything I’ve asked. He has been the husband I always wanted. I enjoy every moment we are together. Yet, there is something that was stolen from me by his affair. I know it’s the security I once had. I know it’s that feeling of “special-ness” that is now gone.

      • With time and hard work you may feel that again. I hope you do. One piece of advice is…keep the communication open!! Best of luck ands happiness to you! 🙂

  12. Yes, a let down after the high drama, fighting to understand.
    On the other hand, the affair days for me felt odd and distant. He’s awake and back now. Maybe that would never have happened without this disaster. He needed to learn a lot about values and participation in a relationship. In the hysterical after D Day, I heard my self screaming he wasn’t fit to have a relationship much less a family, that there ought to be a law, license and test that he would never had passed. He was so selfish to wreck us without warning. So maybe he needed this. I sure didn’t, I was trusting, faithful, concerned, distressed, in the dark, providing the home base and security in the background. I have always been resilient. I have never felt myself wondering if he were too flawed and we were not a good match untill now. Many questions for me to answer myself and I like it. Frankly, anything would be more real and alive than the affair days.
    I don’t know if I trust him, and don’t need to in order to take hold of my life.
    It seems every day is different and not always terrific, but I am free to be me now that I have been through this desperate trauma.
    The statistics say two to four years to get over it. Two for shock and sorting, I suppose, another two for smoothing and forgetting?
    Has anyone out there done it?

    • To a point with my therapist help. It’s a process it helps and goes by faster when the hubby wants to prove that he is in the marriage and in the family. I think if he hadn’t made the efforts my situation wouldn’t be what it is now. My husband did a 180 in every aspect of life from work to the way he treated me. Even our fights aren’t the same. Everything has changed which in my case it needed too. I no longer accept the way he used to be and I’m stronger. Am I over it? To a point yes. I forgave him. It happen like my therapist said it would. When I had a health issue and he dropped it all to take care of me. That’s when it hit me he loves me. He made a huge mistake. It cost him dearly. I saw the remorse everyday I still see it. I no longer think about her. Now forgiving her never going to happen. She is nothing. She just was a bomb that changed my life. And in the end I won. I have the husband I deserve and at night when he holds me I am at peace.

    • I am 4 years and 4 months since DDay. In the shock aftermath, we spent 4 months in counselling. Only to discover over a year later ( but I had doubts) that he was lying and still seeing his affair partner. Long story but after all the other problems alcohol, attitude etc I am still in doubt about our relationship. We are living in the same house but just have a cordial platonic relationship at best. He has hurt me beyond belief and I have also realised he is a passive aggressive. Very hard for me to deal with after the affair. I am still in limbo land with this one. Hoping one day to get closure and move on.

      • I’m sorry to hear that years later your husband returned/continued to deceive and lie to you. What was his thought? It sounds like he is battling other issues too which may be contributing to all this. The bigger question is what do you want? I hope you can find the strength to ask for what you need, go after your dreams and know that you can accomplish all of it.

  13. We are coming up on our 1 year mark. I find myself being pulled back into a bit of depression, thinking of where I was a year ago, and about how my world was about to come crashing down around my shattered heart. We are in a good place now. We are doing better than we ever have. He is a different person now than he was then. He was fighting monsters that had been haunting him for a very long time that I wasn’t aware of…still no excuse of course, but it helps to see him as a flawed human who was broken. In the process of what he thought was healing himself, he broke me. We have been through counseling, affair recovery, psychaitry. We are getting remarried next year and having a wedding that we never had, and I am excited, but scared too. I find myself more anxious as we get closer to the Dday anniversary. Sometimes I still think about how much easier it would be to be single to never have to worry about heartache like this again. My view of marriage has changed over the years, so I know that divorce is not something I want. We have been fighting for our marriage; he really has been fighting for our marriage. We are in this together. Continued thanks for your blog.

    • The one year mark was interesting for me. Month 11-I was fine but after the 1-year anniversary hit I fell back into a spiral of doubt/sadness. I was angry that I was still haunted by the affair. I was questioning my husband again even though he was being 150% transparent. It was just the trigger of what I went through the year before. It changed me.
      I hope you can find a release from the pain. I hope that as you fight for your marriage you find a new foundation for your love that is stronger than ever.

  14. Wow! Powerful stuff and I have those same feelings every other week. But one thing I will definitely take in consideration is to not talk about my sadness or fall apart days to my husband. I notice after reassurance I’m good for a while and then I’m back at those feelings. I’ve gotta walk through it with God. It’s the only way I’ll get through and not sink in to that stinkin rabbit hole! Thanks and I’m glad you posted that yesterday. Tells me I’m normal. The rollercoaster still tries to take me for a ride as well but I’m on it less and less. We have hope lady. We have hope and hope is love and love is God. Blessings

  15. Wow, this post was great. I am in year two. I still cry…a lot. I still obsess about them together. I do feel the same way about our love meaning something different to me now. More about our family, our children, our life we have built together for the last 14 years of marriage. I wonder if the sadness will ever go away. I still obsess about getting revenge on her. I will post my plan tonight. It’s quite do-able. I don’t think we will ever be un-broken.

    • The sadness will go away and believe it or not at some point you will feel whole again. Totally normal to obsess about them. Everything you wrote is normal, but I promise you will get through this and you will be stronger. And revenge oh darling I’m still there. I could of gotten revenge but unlike her I thought of her children. But three years after my DDay I realize I did get my revenge, my hubby sleeps next to me every night. She didn’t win, I did. Think about it that way it may help.

  16. And yet another amazing post! Well done brave lady, reading them helps me so much. Sixteen months since my D.Day and it is getting easier my faith and your inspirational words help all the way. Keep up the good work and I wish you every happiness.

  17. Your posts, and the replies of the other wounded women, have been such a big help to me. I thank all of you for your blunt honesty. I was wondering, should I tell my husband all of my fears, feelings and emotions? I know some of them will hurt him so I keep it to myself. But that’s what we did before. I don’t believe it’s healthy for our relationship not to be as open as we can. But how much is too much? Tomorrow will be five months since D-day. The feelings are still raw, painful and constant. He doesn’t like talking about his shame. I want to talk about everything. Is there a happy medium? I’m torn. Thanks

    • In order for you to heal, your husband must be willing to be open up to everything. It’s the only way to build trust. It’s normal for him not to want to talk about it. I guarantee every betrayed spouse (man or woman) agrees. Not talking about it will not help you or help in the rebuilding of your marriage. If you’re willing and he’s willing anything is possible. Most importantly have patience and acceptance with yourself. It takes time for the voices to stop. But it will much love

    • Replying to Leah:
      I was in the same place like you. I didn’t want to share or express my feelings with my husband. But I realized he will never know how I feel, if I keep everything to myself. Its close to 2 years from my d-day and I can tell you that I share every emotions with him. I am very open with him because I want him to know how much pain he has cause me. It doesn’t get easy but don’t shut down because you want to spare his feelings. It may make you feel a little better sharing things with him. Start small and talk about things that make you comfortable. My husband and I didn’t have an open communication before d day and now its different. Hope this helps.

      • Pam, you’re so right. Today marks five months exactly since D-day. Our communication post affair was awful. We’re working on being more open. I won’t make the mistake again of shutting down my feelings. I won’t allow him to shut down his. Thanks for your wisdom.

    • I would be honest without blaming him in the present. Does that make sense? When I was in your shoes I would tell my husband how I felt or I would tell him what he was doing that was resulting in me being insecure or hurt. I think being open will connect you. It’s not about blame but it’s about exposing your vulnerabilities. When I was at five months I felt that rawness too and I know how difficult it can be. If you continue to keep things bottled up you will eventually burst or break. My husband hated talking about his shame too. He would sink into himself and I would feel like I needed to comfort him. It was a strange irony but yet, I think it also made us stronger because we were painfully honest.

      • I don’t know why I want to spare his feelings. He has done everything I’ve asked. He’s never tried to blame me for anything. He takes full responsibility for his selfish behavior. He is willing to get counseling. But he’s always found it difficult to express his innermost feelings. He’s uncomfortable with emotion. So I feel bad for “dumping” on him. But you’re right. Honesty, complete honesty, is what we both must have if we are to move forward. Thank you so much.

  18. Ladies I gave never been so angry in my life I just went at it on another blog against this ugh woman who I had to describe my pain and suffering. I’m at the moment disgusted, sorry needed to share.

    • NEVER be sorry for needing to share. This is the place to pour out your emotions. We don’t judge. We just listen and offer our strength. That’s what’s so great about this blog. So share away!

      • We are all survivors. I let this horrible woman have it on another blog. She called us bitter. I called her on her bullshit. I was going to start a positive blog in hopes to help women like this blog and many others like it have done. But now I will have to address the OW. I want to do this because for me at least in my case the OW was horrific and I had to address it in my personal life. I cannot discuss my journey without addressing that part. So I’m going to start my blog with that part to get it out of the way. After that I will write my journey and include how much of a life line these blogs were. Because I couldn’t have been able to move forward without all of your help. Thank you. We are survivors, we are strong and together we are healing,

      • Well said soccermom1 I’ve just had a bad few days but these blogs keep me going. My husband is like so many of the other men he just shuts down when I ask him why he says that when we discuss it he sees the pain in my eyes and he can’t bare that he’s the cause. 

  19. Healing is a do able process but both the husband and wife must want to do it. It does work. There is light at the end of the tunnel I promise. Look at me three years later and today I woke up to the entire Taylor Swift album download by my hubby to my itunes. I didn’t even know he knew I loved Taylor swift.

  20. I’ve been reading an eBook called How to Successfully Recover from Having Been Cheated On by Gregory Smith. It’s been a real help, it has highlighted some of the deep feelings that are so hard to overcome. It’s a good read, not too many books out there that are this specific. Been a real good read for me and my situation.

  21. I also do not always now share my sadness with him. I find that (not always as it is sometimes such a fine line) that sharing it now (18 months out) is maybe even harder on me as the sharing itself seems to retraumatize me. Recently I got a huge trigger and we talked. I found myself, as you said, in the riptide of grief transported back to the sad place of regrets and hows and whys. Though the talking seemed to help somewhat, there is something to be said for keeping it to myself sometimes, not so much to “protect” him but to help heal me and thus help move our love a bit more forward. It is always a coin toss, whether to discuss and “risk” the retraumatization, but with the hope that it “may help” me and us to more move on with even greater understanding, or to keep it to myself, put up the visual STOP sign and try to move myself on just a bit more. He is not that now, not doing that now…all that saddens me is in the PAST…that which I can do nothing about now.

    So do I spare him, me and us my periods of sadness? At this point, not sure what more talking will do to “strengthen” us. We are going on well, doing “Gottman” review several times a month where we connect in a healthy way. I need that MORE than to “strengthen” by more talking about my pain. I sometimes think I don’t help to calm it by continuing to bring it up…is it really “helping” us, moving us “forward” in any SUBSTANTIAL way? Or is it just creating a lingering space for my sadness? I need it a bit, but perhaps sharing is not always best for ME.

    I got caught in the riptide…I sat with him. We talked a bit. Then I told him I wanted to tell him about my day. I did this to bring myself out of the PAST and into our wonderful, but real (ups and downs) PRESENT. Forcing the present conversation had a good result and it served to pull me out of the riptide, out of my head, and into my and our present.

    It is a process. It is a struggle at times. It is an honest desire to love and try to love the best I can. All my intentions are good and worthy as are his.

    If we just somehow manage to let go and love, it seems we will fill up those “empty” spaces. Why do we have such a hard time doing what is so good for us?

    • There’s a fine line between talking about your pain to release it from you and allowing it to fester and linger. Bringing ourselves out of the past is crucial–you are right. We need to be more present.

      “Why do we have such a hard time doing what is so good for us?”

      What a great question. I cannot answer it but I’d love to know why.

      • I have been thinking about the kind of characteristics this whole ordeal has brought out in myself, indeed were already inside, but have now been shown. You all have these same traits even though we don’t feel them! I would love to have one of those necklaces made in my own *or preferably my husbands* handwriting with the word
        “Brave” or
        “Courageous” or
        “Beautiful” or
        “Warrior” or
        Any *socially acceptable* 😉 word to describe myself with deep meaning.
        There are times that I do feel some or at least one of those….but for it to come from my husband….ahhhh that would mean the world!
        I am not materialistic…I know and have known far more years before I knew about my husbands affair that the things worth meaning in this life are not tangible things, but gifts of the heart, soul and mind….
        But for my husband to put it out there for the world to see…I’m sure you all know what I mean!!!

  22. This is a very difficult month for me as this is the month when my husband made his mistake 2 years ago. Not one day goes by that I don’t think about his affair with a batshit. I am still angry and bitter that she could distroy a innocent family because her marriage was unhappy and my husband was nice to talk to! My husband to this day cant believe himself what he did, and says he was a different person and was drawn in by her so called charming WORDS! I too, want to get back at her, and want revenge as I feel as she has walked free as noone knows about it, as to protect our children. She walks free while our family has been through the tortue, our children know but our friends and family do not.
    It’s cruel and I can read those words of all of your blogs and feel so much for you all. I want to forgive, but seeing her is so hard as she walks around like nothing has happened. I still have images in my head, I still cry, and my heart races when I see her, but I admit it is getting better but I still do not trust him.
    He has totally re-committed his life to me and his family, and am truly grateful but does not help the cruel images in what my husband did with a easy whore. I ask myself ” what was it that he had to do this with a skank? I will never understand.
    I too, love him, but there seems like there is a piece is missing.
    How do you fill this empty hole? He does not want to talk about it, he’s over hearing how empty I feel, he tries so hard to make me happy, buys me things, does anything at all I ask, but when I look at him, I feel like crying as I dont understand WHY?
    I know she is winning when I feel like this and I hate it, but how do you get over this feeling?
    I dont want things to be just good between us, I want things to be amazing, and I’m not sure if this will ever be!

    • Candice, I feel your pain. I’m just over five months from D-day. I’ve cried buckets. Let me tell you what has helped me the most. My boss, a female whose husband cheated, told me that the injured party in a marriage never wants to admit that they had a role to play. This pissed the hell out of me. But then I started to reflect and be honest with myself and I realized that while there is NEVER an excuse for infidelity there IS something that can be done to improve the marriage. I heard about The 5 Love Languages. Google it. The web site is free. Each spouse takes the online quiz and it helps you understand not only how you respond to love but how your spouse does as well. The site will explain how to ensure you’re giving love the way your spouse needs and getting love the way you need. This has helped us tremendously. Also, the website Affair Recovery, which has a link on this blog, has been a marriage saver for us. You can do the First Steps Boot Camp free. It takes about a week. That was so helpful. We just signed up for their online Emergency Marriage Seminar. It’s a lot cheaper than a weekend. This site is so incredibly helpful, insightful and important. Get your husband to sign up to get weekly emails. Read the information. Get help. And remember, this is NOT YOUR FAULT! This is your husband’s failing, not yours. Take care of yourself and get the healing you desperately need. Good luck and stay strong.

      • If there was a Like button for your comment, I will click it! She is right Candice. “Try” not to concern yourself with what the other woman is getting away with and concentrate on what is/was broken between you two because that is usually what brings about the affair. I learned there’s a part that was played by all (doesn’t excuse the behavior lets be clear). Just like the affair, rebuilding is a gradual process and takes time. All I had/have to do is trust God and be willing to do the work, it took time but I’m making it. “Galatians 6:9 So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.”

    • I understand your feelings. I too want to “feel the love”. I realized (am realizing) that feeling it is just a small part of what love is. We don’t have love for someone, we DO love for someone and you know what? Both you and I am many many wonderful BSs are DOING it every second of every day. Be proud of the love you are DOING. I think that it really takes time and lots of DOING for the feelings to spark fully again. This is what I am telling myself. It is a big hurt — a big hurt but sometimes I try to imagine his affairs were just a felw black clouds in an otherwise big blue sky and the sun is still shining…..I think that by DOING love again and again the feelings will come again. They may be different but they will. This is what I tell myself anyway.

      I am also doing something that helps me…you may think it is strange and I am “not one of those” but I found that self-hypnosis really helped at times. I use downloads from this site (hope this is okay to post) hypnosisdownloads.com. I used the forgive and move on, and other POSITIVE ones for me – like “smile a lot” and “be positive”. It seems to help a bit.I do not use the ones specifically for infidelity because they tend to retramatize me…ugh!

      I am at 18 months now. I still cry almost every day, but what I am crying for now is different than one I cried about in the beginning. It is a hard tijme of year for me now, I found out the beginnings of what turned out to be a couple of physical affairs…TT took a few months…you are not alone.

      • I honestly wanted to try hypnosis for the first year or two after my D-Day. I wanted to see if it worked and if I could train my brain to not bring up the thoughts that pushed me over the edge.

        They say you have to live with the rain to have the rainbows, right? Sometimes crying is a good release for me and other times it has been a spiral for me down into that dark place. Know when you need to cry and know when it’s just hurting you. I’ve realized that there are times I can just cry and let it go and other times it changes my focus completely. I’d rather have the rainbows. Right?

  23. Thankyou Leah,
    I understand that I had a part in some way in why he fell into the choice of having this affair, but I think you need to read back to my original message in amongst the other 400 stories from the first blog that my husband did not just have an affair but he had an emotional affair with his ex girlfriend for over 18 yrs, which I had no idea about. I am no trying to say my story is worse than anyone else’s because is surely not!! I know couples fall apart and away from each other, i get all this, but to continue to hang on to a ex for our whole entire marriage………Well im sorry I will never understand. How can the one you love and adore lie to you year after a year and not feel any guilt? Call it harmless? Well, Im afraid I still ask why he needed her after having a family who loved him?
    My husbands lies never stopped, until I finally found phone records. Yes, I still am shocked! I did not expect it at all.
    My husband was one who yes lived for himself, has admitted in using me to do everything, and sat back to run after the kids.
    He used to brag about how wonderful he had it with me, brag to his mates how he had sex when ever he wanted etc etc. He used to say how lucky he was to have a beautiful wife and bag other husbands wives to me in how they looked etc. We have been to counselling and yes I have read about the love languages and also read Love and Respect book. It is really great, a must for everyone to get your hands onto.
    I have been told to break my walls down and I will soon recover, I pray, beg God to give me the strength to recover from years of lies and betrayal, but it never seems to go. My counsellor says once I have truly have forgiven, I will be able to let go of the past. (It sounds easy). I look at him sometimes & feel sorry for him some days, and other days I am full of bitter feelings.
    You are doing well Leah after only 5 months, be proud of yourself as you seem to be a very strong woman, and im not saying that in a bad way. Its been 10 months in knowing the truth behind his affair & I sometimes cant find the strength to get up to go to work.
    I know I shouldnt be expressing all this, but to be honest besides the counsellor I have no-one else to talk to as I’ve kept silent to cover for him. I feel he is my all, but how do you pull these walls down and learn to trust again?

    • Candice, I did miss your whole story. I’m so sorry you’ve had to suffer this way. Our pain is different but the same. I sound strong but inside I have the same agony, same questions, same insecurities. We, YOU, are not responsible for your husband’s actions and poor choices. I just learned that reconciliation is separate from forgiveness. You forgive for yourself. You reconcile for the marriage. Forgiveness must happen for you have peace and not to become bitter. Reconciliation is not necessary. Only you can decide of your husband and marriage are worth saving. As for trust, I don’t trust yet. How long? Who knows. When he proves he can be trusted I guess. A year, two, three? I put no time limit on that. Every day he must prove his trust. Someday I hope not to feel pain every time he leaves the house. But for now, I’m just working on healing myself first.
      Express anything you need on this blog. That’s why it’s here. Only those who are going through the same agony can really understand our pain. That’s one of the reasons why I love the Affair Recovery site. The counselors there have all been through this hell we’re living. They understand how we feel.

      • The one thing I can say is that if it weren’t for these blogs I wouldn’t gotten out of bed. I thought it was just me. These blogs were my life line. It helps. It truly does

      • Leah, you are sooo on point. I have learned we all have the same struggles and have learned you can’t put a timetable on the process. Its one day at a time. Healing for the hurt person is the most important. I too found out and was grateful that forgiveness and reconciliation are NOT one in the same. Forgiveness allows you to be free and reconciliation is rebuilding with or without.

    • Those damn cell phone, records. How I loathed them. That was my proof. He denied it till I threw them at him. It was disgusting. I have never felt that anger mixed with disgust when I saw them. I hated them both. I hated the cell phone. I hated the proof.

    • My therapist told me not to put a time limit. It could be five weeks five years ten months. She said don’t worry about when forgiveness will happen. Work on you. And it was hard but somehow I stop thinking of him and worked on me. I stopped thinking of him. I started putting me first. It had been so long as I thought of myself as an individual. I was a wife a mother. Not me. So started reading, taking care of myself. Writing. And he realized that he needed to figure it all out I wasn’t going to do it. One day three years after DDay it happened. Forgiveness. I cried in his arms. I told him. It happened like my therapist said it would. It was a normal morning, he handed me my coffee he made for me like he has done for twelve years. I looked at him and I realized I don’t hate him. Lol I love him I truly love him. I hadn’t gone over the cell phone for two years. I had done so much growing. I decided the affair wasn’t going to be my life. He messed up. I didn’t. The hatred I felt started leaving me when I started working on myself. I once read a book call Wife 22. I love that book. I remember it was the first week I decided to work on me. I made a list of books I wanted to read I download that one. And forgiveness came when I least expected it. But he proved himself to me. By the little things like coffee in the morning. By text messages. Movies. Laughter. Even this one nightgown. This beautiful silk nightgown I was looking at in victoria secret. He remembered how I was looking at it. I never said I wanted it. I didn’t buy it. But one day five months later on a random day I found a box and he had written me a poem. It was a nice feeling, it didn’t feel like a bribe. It made me smile. He bought me the nightgown. The fact that he remembered me looking at it made me realize he was looking at me, listening to me. During his affair those two things didn’t matter to him. I think I forgave him after a year but I wasn’t willing to admit it to myself because I was afraid he didn’t deserve it.
      I’m in the middle of writing my second blog post. He knows about it and I told him I felt bad writing about him. He said don’t. I love you, if you need to write then write. If you want me to read it I will. That was big with me. But while I forgive him I will never forgive her. My second blog is about the OW. I have deleted it four times. I wasn’t even going to address it. But this one life time movie made me realize I had too. But as I read the words I feel the hatred towards her. And I ask myself can I forgive her. The answer is always no. So I’m not writing the post at the moment. I will do it. I just need to figure it out. But I have to ask you all is it ok that I can’t forgive her??? My therapist and I don’t discuss her anymore. But I still wonder how can I forgive him vs her???

      • My therapist told me that I don’t need to ever forgive Bat Shit. She said she’s not part of my life and it serves no purpose. Once she gave me that freedom I felt a release. I didn’t like when people said they forgave their husband’s AP. If it helped them then that is great but for me I felt like what she did was unforgivable. She lied, manipulated and used my husband. I still haven’t forgiven her but I don’t “actively” hate her anymore. I don’t feel the need to contact her or write her that imaginary letter in my brain. I don’t even pretend to write that letter anymore. That’s when I knew I was making progress-when I didn’t need her to know how she hurt me. You’ll eventually get past the hatred. We don’t need to like everyone in the world.
        Forgiving your husband is different. You have a relationship with him and it requires respect, love and nurturing to move forward.

  24. Just saw this on Facebook.

    “Forgiveness is your release from the hell of wanting to know what cannot be known and from wanting to see others suffer because they have hurt you.”

  25. Yes time does heal, we may not look like we are hurting on the outside, no stitches, cuts, bruises or bandages, but on the inside it’s killing us, but we must stay strong for our children as it just causes fights by bringing up the affair. They are the innocent ones!
    I can’t stand living in the same town as skankface, drives me crazy to see her walking around and believing she was there for my husband when he felt lonely. Apparently her marriage was dull and worn out so she felt like she was giving my husband something. Oh how lovely!
    Her words to me were, But your husband is so nice to talk to!!
    Sorry can you tell I’m still bitter towards her?
    My husband tells me the sex was awful with her, nothing like between us, doesnt matter how many times he says it was nothing, just once, worst mistake he ever made etc…………….The hurt of Why he didn’t think of me, just keeps killing me.He says, it was about the attention!
    How do you offer attention the way a skank can? How can you offer them the fresh excitement life like they did?
    He keeps saying she didnt, I just think that.
    I do know he is trying and he is so very regretful in making this bad choice but I just wish I could zap it from my brain for just a day.

    • I know what you mean about zapping it from your brain. The hypnosis (or mediation if you want to call it that) really helped me a bit. I helps put the event in place and gives you some mental rest….even if only for a while.

      Yesterday for the first time in a long time I felt happy with him. Today it made me cry to recall that feeling…like when we were first married …that nice safe FEELING of love. ..even if just for a while was nice. I let, allowed, encouraged myself to feel it…it was really nice. I put a love fog around us and it worked last night….it was so nice and it was all of my doing…I DID THAT and I have at least some control about how I am going to feel.

      We cannot give the attention the SHANK gave them because it was ALL ABOUT HIM (the WS) and that is not real love nor healthy. What we do give is so much more so there is absolutely NO COMPARRISON. What is happening now is the WS REALIZATION of what we are giving is true, and authentic love. We are in no way in comparison as our love for our spouses is TOTALLY different and finally…the buggers…they realize it and fully, truthfully appreciate this. Why they had to do and do what they do in order to get to this point is beyond me. But I DO KNOW, that in no way the “attention” I give can compare to the OW…there is no comparison. We are truly SHOWING our love for our spouse…their realization of this will help heal us and our marriages. I think ; )

  26. A really weird thing happened to me the other day. I felt an overwhelming need to send an email to one of my H’s OW to link her to my blog. I wanted her to know what pain I was going through but not only that I felt a need to help her understand what sort of a person he was and that I was not the bad wife etc…..????? may well have been one of my random acts of kindness days but I just felt she needed to know what sort of a man she had chosen to have an affair with that lasted 8 yrs. What she saw of him was the fun guy and what we were seeing was a man who was nasty and mean. Luckily after 6 yrs she had broken off the PA but was still in an EA with him. Also to show her that she was cheated with other women in his life. Anyway….i just felt she might need to know some stuff to heal. She wrote back that she read the blog and asked her current partner to read it because she had cheated on him with my H and that she was done with lying and cheating and everything was now out in the open. She said she will live with the pain that she has caused me for the rest of her life. I feel a release but I am still processing it.
    Love this blog btw.

      • Your blog is the best thing I have ever read and she would feel so small if she ever read it…because not only would she see the damage she has caused from her own selfish insecure needs, but she would see what an amazing and strong woman you are! I wish you posted more often. I was sad when I got to the end of reading all of your posts. I found your words real, helpful, therapeutic and inspiring. I miss you. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am only at 3 months since my DDay and I wish I was way past it. I like many others am still very much in love with my DH and continue to fight the fight to recover and rebuild. He is also still loves me and wants to try and rebuild. But it is an uphill journey and sometimes I feel like I cannot make it because of my darkness. I am not giving up just yet. x

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