I feel a shift in me. The shift is both within me and in the world around me. Things have changed and once again I need to adjust and adapt or I’ll be left behind. I don’t think I struggle with change but I do think I have difficulty accepting that sometimes I just don’t have a say in what happens next.
Part of the shift is falling back into normalcy. I’m very uncomfortable with normal right now. Some days I feel the same way I did the month before I discovered my husband’s affair. I feel like something is wrong and I can’t put my finger on it. My guess is there is some form of PTSD attached to how I feel right now. So I can blame the PTSD for the doubts that creep into my mind when my husband gets caught up at work and comes home two hours late. When he comes home late there is always a legitimate reason but yet I can’t help but wonder if he’s lying. I can’t help but question my trust in him.
So the doubts creep in and there are moments I’m not sure I can trust myself. So I start to wonder, is this how I’ll feel for the rest of my life? Will I always struggle to trust my husband completely? Will I always wonder if he’s cheating? Why is it so hard to be normal again?
The second part of the shift I feel in my life is in reflection of the friendships I’ve created in the past two years. New girlfriends, new work friends. Most of these new friends have unknowingly been my shelter from the storm. During the past two years I’ve detached myself from my closest friends and family. I’ve disengaged from my life because being in my life was breaking me down. So I found new friends. These new friends wouldn’t notice any changes because they didn’t know the pre-affair me. They wouldn’t point out my silence when I couldn’t find words to speak. They wouldn’t bring up the past in stories late at night when we’ve all had too much to drink. I made new friends. I made friends that I felt I could create a future with because my past needed to be forgotten.
I never let go of my closest friendships but there was a shift. I stepped back. I let go. I tried to hide my pain and suffering from the people I love most. I lied. I avoided contact. I wore a smile when I was crying inside. Most of my closest friends don’t live near me so it was easy to hide the truth. My best friend had a baby during this time and her life changed dramatically. For the first time in her life she didn’t have as much time for me as she had in the past. She sensed my pain but she knew not to push for the truth. Most people sensed I was going through something but no one asked. No one called when I stopped calling them. Things just changed without much commentary.
Now things are shifting back and I’m uncomfortable with normal. I want nothing more than to feel content with my life and relationships. I don’t want to doubt, worry or question. I need to figure out that next step along my journey.