Thanksgiving

Holidays can be difficult but take what you need. Time to breathe. A moment alone. A hand to hold.

Struggle-strength

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23 thoughts on “Thanksgiving

  1. I hope you are all doing well, I’m not but will get through it.
    Seems everything got on top of me, Especially past thanksgivings. most were so much fun. It’s been a hard year but nearly over. Don’t remember the first post D-day, managed to skip it. Was trying to be thankful this year. Made me bitter, came up with “I’m thankful for my husband’s affair partner making me realise what a lier I married.” Not an attitude in me that I admire. But honest.
    Just too much to process at once. Sort of a dry run for Christmas. Should have let everyone else do the cooking, yesterday, should have taken the dog for a walk to break my tension. Oh well. poor dog will be exhausted. Best to all.

    • This is not as destructive and bitter as it sounds. I am zoning in on the fatal flaw and went back to the beginning of this blog for help again.
      This s
      Is a cut and paste of something I have read in the beginning of this blog and reflect on after such redefining turmoil:

      “As strong as you are remember that you are also vulnerable. You forgot that before. You thought that a good (better than good) marriage was not vulnerable to an affair. You didn’t protect the marriage. You didn’t know any better, but now you do. You know that even a loving, supportive, happy marriage can hold a spouse that is less than confident in him/herself. He realizes he trusted the wrong person. He didn’t go looking for an affair but he did propel it forward. He gave her an invitation to exploit him, use him for her own selfish needs and leave him feeling like a complete failure. Recognize both your mistakes and take that knowledge with you. Recognize that love is a verb, an action and you must live that love to feel it everyday. You know now that love is primary… life may bring annoyances and grievances but the love must be first. Communication is utterly important. No matter how much you love someone and how in sync you are, neither of you are mind readers. You must speak your thoughts, your fears, your joys–all of it matters and is more important than you knew.”
      -This is from this blog, ” A letter to myself, a betrayed wife.”
      Click on logo “Ifidelity does not come from a lack of love, it comes from a lack of respect.”

  2. Our 25th anniversary was a couple of days ago and now Thanksgiving. His affair didn’t start until December last year and lasted until the first of June so Thanksgiving isn’t a huge trigger for me. But I do wonder, how much of the last 25 years were spent living a lie? More than I care to know. I am thankful that, at least right now, it appears that our marriage can be saved. Not only saved but better. I am thankful he didn’t give me some nasty STD. Yes, I was tested. I’m thankful that I’m stronger than I thought possible. I am thankful for new found honesty. I am thankful for this blog.

    Ask me again the middle of December how I’m doing but for now I’m just thankful for a new beginning.

  3. Wow. That is just what I needed to hear. It has been 14 months and remembering last Thanksgiving brings back so many memories. But now I can think about how much strength I have. And that is an amazing thing. Thank you for sharing your story. It has helped me heal in so many ways.

  4. I thought things were getting better, found out 11 months ago about his affair with a women half his age, was just starting to take that first step when I just don’t think of her with my husband(she was also my son’s girlfriend) so she got around a lot so it seems but I told myself that was no excuse he still should have know better. All was not right I had the feeling that there were others, I confronted him about one other women that I had a feeling about, he finally confessed about that too. Wow it just makes me wonder how many others there have been, I know that thinking only of his affairs is not good. He of course says he is sorry but I find it hard to believe anything he says right now. I have told myself that these 30 years were for nothing with him, if he wants this marriage to work then he has got to be the one to start over and try. I am now totally emotionally spent. I just don’t know what else will come up but in case something does I will try to listen and take a very long look at things, just continue to take one step at a time, not just ready to give up yet but my string is just about broken and don’t know if it can be fixed again.
    Wondering when and if things will ever get an better…..

    • Someone once said to me that it takes two people to make a marriage work and only one person in the relationship to decide to end it/walk away. They probably said it a bit better than that but you get what I am saying. I think one of the problems post D-Day is the struggle to believe or trust the cheating spouse again. I remember feeling like there was nothing more I wanted than to believe that what my husband was telling me was true but finding it so hard to believe or trust anything. That feeling has wavered back and forth through the past two plus years. It’s not always easy to trust once you’ve been betrayed but I’m trying. Things will get better for you. I promise.

  5. Yesterday didn’t work well for me either. I went into the day trying so hard to keep it together for the kids. I even prepared my husband the day before that I was sad and needed his help. Well turns out he couldn’t handle the embarrassment since his brother and sister in law and three of five kids know the situation. He was closed off and distant. I’m second guessing staying…. This am I went out shopping to get out of the house. While I was out he decorated for Christmas. I’m sure he did it to show me that he wants our family to stay together but honestly I’m too hurt and empty to feel any Christmas joy. Wish he’d just do and say the things I need to see and hear. I’m thankful for this blog and helping me have an outlet to vent. Thank u

    • Amy, I find that my husband would rather avoid and ignore than confront my pain. I have to constantly tell him what I need and how I need him to be. His communication skills have always sucked and now is no different. So I force the issue. I don’t let him get away with avoiding and ignoring any more. I’m not mean, just insistent. It could be your husband just doesn’t know how to talk or act. He feels deep shame. It’s probably easier for him to stay silent. Don’t let him off the hook. Tell him what you need…and tell him again. And then tell him again. He made this problem…he needs to fix it.

      Good luck

      • Mine tried to sweep it under the rug and I refused. One of the conditions I gave him in order for us to stayed marriage was for us to talk about it. Once he did I started to heal. I was so thankful that i made him talk to me. I don’t think I would have healed if he hadn’t talked it over with me. Men don’t like to talk about their mistakes. To them it’s easier to sweep it under the rug. They don’t get that in order to start fixing the marriage talking is a must. I’m glad I pushed him and he talked to me. It was horrible but I needed to hear him. I’m glad we talked. It really did start the healing process.

  6. Thank you so much for your posts/blog. I have been following your blog off and on since my own discovery in April 2013. This struggle has been both a curse and a blessing. I try to focus on the blessings, but as you know, some days are just more difficult than others. I am hopeful that the more I cling to the blessings, the further away I will be from the curse. My biggest problem is that the AP will not let go. Every couple of months, she makes herself known that she is still out there. While my H is (finally) doing what it takes to heal, I allow her attempts to reach out to my H stir up my feelings of fear and insecurity. I just read your post from 4/21/2013. In it you talk of a restraining order and/or a letter from a lawyer. Did you ever follow through with either of these options? I hate to post all of my questions here in the comments section. Would you be willing to email me regarding how you handled these intrusions? I don’t recall seeing another post about it. I am working hard to be a pillar of strength for myself and for my family, but these little acts of desperation by the AP, put the wheels in my already over-active imagination into over-drive. Thank you again for telling your story and for opening up your thoughts and heart for us to see. Your growth and strength is inspiring.

    • I’m sorry I am just getting around to answering your message. I never did move forward with a restraining order because my husband’s AP stopped all contact shortly after that post. But our situation was a bit different because it was shortly after that post she understood we knew about all her lies. We suddenly held the cards and she had no power/control.
      Where do things stand now? Have you ever contacted the AP to ask her to end all contact? Have you considered a letter to express this? If you want me to email you to discuss off the blog I can do that to the email you use to post here.
      It’s extremely hard to heal and move forward when she keeps popping back into your life and dragging you bag through everything all over again.

    • Diana Prince,

      I’ll tell you what I had to do. The AP came over to my home several times. The last time she would not leave until I called 911. The next Monday I went to the county courthouse and asked for a harassment order of protection. You have to be clear about the harassment and show escalation. I received an order that covered me, my daughter, and our home. She could not contact us in any way, mail, social media, phone, etc., and could not come within 150 feel of me, my daughter, or our home.

      Several days later my husband came back home and we’ve been working on our marriage. The AP was furious. She called, over and over and over again. It got to the point she was calling dozens of times a day. My husband then received his own harassment order of protection which covered his phone, work phone, social media, email, etc. and 100 feet from him.

      It’s worth a try. If the AP breaks the protection order she goes to jail. You do not need an attorney. Just go to the courthouse and get the paperwork (at least in our state). Paperwork may be online and you just fill it out and take it in. It was free for me.

      Good luck and stay strong!

    • Diana, I sent a clear message to the AP that I knew everything and was angry, so that she knew I existed and that I knew the details as well. She was clearly told by my husband, via SMS, that he was trying to mend the marriage with the woman he always loved and to stop all contact.
      It was clear he was the one sending the message, not “the wife made him do it” It sounds you have a tougher battle, though.
      I’m not offering advice as your situation is different and I don’t know what would work for you, just mentioning what worked for me. There where a few glitches, one or two attempts he thwarted. She didn’t like the fact no contact included the business connection he set up for her. Want a laugh? She complained furiously that “he did everything his wife said” ! Scary crazy lady, walk away!

  7. I have devoured this blog this weekend after slamming into another stuck point. There is a blanketed notion coming from within of feeling unsettled. It has gotten better over the past year but every once in a while I become a slave to the powerful reality of betrayal and can increasingly suffocate into a downward spiral. I am new to this blog but have been an avid observer to a multitude of other sites devoted to this topic. I have never posted before and am not sure what compelled me to to post something now except I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired by the continuous movie reels projecting in my head about my husbands affair(s). D-day was March 3rd 2013 and I guess I was hoping I would be further along by now. My husband has been in active recovery since D-day and has proven to me over and over again that he wants to be with only me and he was acting out of a sickness that possessed a wild, strong and powerful hold over him. An addiction I will never fully understand which was well stated on this blog as coming to the conclusion that we will never hold all the pieces to make sense of our husbands’ temporary insanity.
    This blog has been an inspiration and today I am thankful to witness this community of strong inscrutable women; fearless, unwavering and powerful warriors. It has given me a desire to stop my ambush of hope and to see what really can transform from this insurmountable pain. There is no more room for depression. You have given me permission to be fearlessly vulnerable today. For that I am truly grateful. Keep doing what you are doing.

    • I am so sorry it took me so long to reply and read your comment. December seemed to fly by like a whirlwind. One of my resolutions for 2015 is to be more present in this blog because it has become more important to me than I ever anticipated. There were times I was stuck at that wall too and I would float around other blogs trying to make sense, or sometimes wallowing in my pain willingly. But I love what you wrote: Fearlessly Vulnerable….. Yes, that should be our resolution for 2015.

  8. Hi all,

    This is the first time I’ve posted. I found out about my husband’s affair 1 year ago this past Thanksgiving. 1 year, I’ve made it. 365 days of asking why, how, what happened? one whole year! I have been trying to work things out with my husband but it’s hard. he just wants me to forget everything from the past and move on….I can’t. It’s always there. How does everyone handle this? I am tired of being the blame of his affair. I am tired of being threatened that if I don’t give in to his every need, i will drive him to do it again. lately, though, I don’t even care. Please offer me some advice. Please.

    • Hi Stacy, it will take a long time to find out what let your husband think it was ok to have an affair (there is no excuse) Maybe lack of self esteem, temptation, stress., immaturity. There isn’t any reason that makes it ok to not truly get through to you first.
      Plus, guilt will hide the thought that let him go, through rationalising, such a huge mistake. It will take a very long time to understand him, for him as well. He is more lost than you. If he knows how much he hurt you, not just your ego, but you as a person, and wants to move on to a better marriage, it will still take up to two years of gains and setbacks to understand and get through to each other. It’s about understanding, appreciating, respecting each other, not meeting needs. You are not to blame, it was not your choice. We are each responsible for our own needs. But you may be the only one that can guide you both to the truth and into an honest relationship. It is a painful experience. That is why many people cut their losses and split. In my case, that would be just as painful. Read everything on the web. ( the didn’t meet needs advice is dodgy though, we don’t even accept that from two year old!s!…use you words, haha) though ‘meeting needs’ demands may help you decide, being told what he thinks they are, if you are still interested in him and if you actually want to! In my case, I would have been happier to know and delighted to accommodate. But some needs, like true self esteem, have to be found within. You can’t do that for him. There are many issues for you to work out on your own, then as a couple. Obviously, if it were easy there would not be so many people sharing our situation. It’s ardous. And think about it, if he knew himself and you better, you would have found a solution before the affair. So it won’t be easy for him. Don’t hesitate to get back to me if I have read your situation incorrectly. This is a complex subject. ‘Just getting over it ‘ isn’t really possible. But there is a need for a reprieve now and again to maintain the long haul.
      Wishing all of us the best, Robin.

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