In a few hours it will be 2015. It may be wishful thinking to believe that when I awaken tomorrow I am leaving the negative in 2014 but I am hopeful. From day to day it’s difficult to see how far I’ve come from D-Day. It’s like watching your own child grow – you can only see the changes when you glimpse an old photograph. D-Day became a photograph in my mind of a moment in my life. A moment that marked a change within me.
The past year was a big year for me. I let go of a tremendous amount of pain I had been harboring since my D-Day. One of the biggest hurdles for me post D-day was letting go of the anger I had against Bat Shit. I spent too many hours scripting letters in my head that I would never send and rehearsing conversations that have never been heard by anyone else but me. It’s a strange thing to hate someone you have no relationship with and you don’t know. I actively hated Bat Shit. I also spent too much time feeling paranoid that she was stalking me. I didn’t want her to know any more about my life than she already did by sleeping with my husband. I blocked her from me on Facebook. I blocked her from my husband’s company’s mailing lists and social media sites. I changed my name on Pinterest and made sure no one could search my account on Google. I did it all for a reason but now I could care less if she’s stalking me. I’m not certain how I would react if I bumped into Bat Shit at the mall but I don’t feel like she has any power or control over my emotions any more. Bat Shit is in the past and I’m so glad that I don’t need to feel paralyzed by thoughts of her anymore.
I feel like I am letting go of that feeling that I lost something in the affair or that a piece of me is missing. I was struggling for so long to understand or fill that missing space. I probably spent too much time feeling sorry for myself too. Feeling like something was stolen from within me. It’s hard to replace something you cannot name or physically see but I am slowly getting there. Maybe it’s part of this journey or it’s just part of maturing but I am accepting that I am capable of being everything I need 100% of the time.
As we close the 2014 chapter later tonight, I wish you all a happy, healthy and wonderful new year.