New Year, New Life

In a few hours it will be 2015. It may be wishful thinking to believe that when I awaken tomorrow I am leaving the negative in 2014 but I am hopeful. From day to day it’s difficult to see how far I’ve come from D-Day. It’s like watching your own child grow – you can only see the changes when you glimpse an old photograph. D-Day became a photograph in my mind of a moment in my life. A moment that marked a change within me.

The past year was a big year for me. I let go of a tremendous amount of pain I had been harboring since my D-Day. One of the biggest hurdles for me post D-day was letting go of the anger I had against Bat Shit. I spent too many hours scripting letters in my head that I would never send and rehearsing conversations that have never been heard by anyone else but me. It’s a strange thing to hate someone you have no relationship with and you don’t know. I actively hated Bat Shit. I also spent too much time feeling paranoid that she was stalking me. I didn’t want her to know any more about my life than she already did by sleeping with my husband. I blocked her from me on Facebook. I blocked her from my husband’s company’s mailing lists and social media sites. I changed my name on Pinterest and made sure no one could search my account on Google. I did it all for a reason but now I could care less if she’s stalking me. I’m not certain how I would react if I bumped into Bat Shit at the mall but I don’t feel like she has any power or control over my emotions any more. Bat Shit is in the past and I’m so glad that I don’t need to feel paralyzed by thoughts of her anymore.

I feel like I am letting go of that feeling that I lost something in the affair or that a piece of me is missing. I was struggling for so long to understand or fill that missing space. I probably spent too much time feeling sorry for myself too. Feeling like something was stolen from within me. It’s hard to replace something you cannot name or physically see but I am slowly getting there. Maybe it’s part of this journey or it’s just part of maturing but I am accepting that I am capable of being everything I need 100% of the time.

As we close the 2014 chapter later tonight, I wish you all a happy, healthy and wonderful new year.

new year-2015-surprise

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35 thoughts on “New Year, New Life

    • Two sentences I will remember from my candlelit dinner with my husband in a cosy, half empty resturant, the first day of this new year, two years after d-day.
      We were gently and quietly talking about a book he was reading that included May West’s candid view about sex, no hang ups, when I said but ah ha, new science claims bonding does take place! My husband swiftly countered “Yes, but with the sex, not the person!”
      Then, as we settled the bill, the pleasant waiter remarked “Well, happy new year, no looking back, 2014 is over, welcome 2015 ! ”
      Here’s hoping! X

  1. Thank you! My first post was 9 weeks after d day and we are getting there – more than getting there!! Your posts have helped me at the three O clock in the morning wobbles and when my husband has been working nights. Your story is so like mine it is uncanny. One day I will write more but for now thank you and I wish you and your family love health and happiness for 2015. But for now I am going to Kiss to my hubby and look forward the future we have chosen together!! X

  2. I needed this! Thank you
    This is the last day of the worse year if my life. I’m dealing with so many emotions today~ I can’t even explain.
    It’s been 8 months since the D-day and still hurts so badly.
    Tonight, I want to move forward. Leave the pain, the hurt, the betrayal, the dissapointments behind me. I want to start fresh! I pray the “other woman” stops harrassing me. So my husband and I can move on with our lives. I also feel she’s stalking me at all times- she open fake facebooks accounts to harras me using my business FB page; leaving nasty comments about me and bad reviews. No matter how many times I block her, she open new fake accounts to continue with the harassment; we have made reports to FB many times and nothing. She’s so bitter and angry because my husband didn’t stay with her and decided to fight for out marriage. My husband bought me a new car because every time she saw my car parked somewhere she had to leave a review insult in me and saying how fat and ugly I looked, etc.
    I’m no longer allowing this girl affect my life, my family, my business. I’m not going to give her that satisfaction. She’s means nothing and she’s so unhappy that her happiness is writing nasty reviews if myself on my business FB page.
    This is a new beginning, a brand new fresh start. Time to leave 2014 in the past!
    I wish you all a happy new year full of blessings!

    • Some days I would just hit a wall and fall prey to everything just like you said. I would think and rethink all the questions that may never have satisfying answers. Sometimes there just isn’t an answer either. But like you, there is a moment when I would just want to propel forward. Leave the pain behind and focus on everything good in my life.
      Wishing you a 2015 that is filled with positive inspiration and blessings!

  3. My sincere gratitude to you for sharing your story. You are an inspiration to me. I second Robin’s response…..Love to all of us who have survived this journey. I couldn’t have made it this far without all of you……

  4. Happy New Year to You!! You have helped me in so many ways. I am not as far a long as you, but I hope and prayer I get there.

    Just curious… How do you block someone from googling you?????? I would really like to know.

  5. Happy New Year x and again thank you for your wise thoughts don’t know how I’d have coped and the same to all the other bloggers. Health, happiness and hope to us all xxx

  6. I relate so much to what your blogged. I wasted way too much time thinking about this, about her, what I could do to let go of the pain and broken heart. For some reason, I feel a positive change, like the chain to pain has been broken and I am free, forever changed, but that I hold the key to being free from all this if I choose to move on. I wish I’d found you sooner, and I hope others find you for help, hope, strength and wisdom. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

  7. Happy New Year to all my soul sistas… May we all have the peace in our hearts that we deserve. May we see our spouses as partners and may they help heal us. Love ya !

  8. I’m so ready to be where you are right now. Your writing give me hope that I will. Thanks for your honesty and inspiration. Happy New Year

    • You’ll get there. It seems like progress can be so slow at times but I think everything I went through had a purpose.

      “It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.”

  9. ThAnk u for ur blog. It has been extremely helpful to me. The encouragement is very healing. It helps knowing I’m not going thru this alone. Happy new year

      • My Dday was 8 mos ago. My husband and I made a fresh start, committed to having a happier, healthier marriage. He has been nothing less then 110% honest, sincere, loving. Looking back I now see that the shit had to hit the fan, and we had to go thru some horrible times to get on the beautiful path we’re on now as one. One of my resolutions was to not let “her” invade my mind and to just move on. That is not an easy thing to do. I know it’s gonna take time. I know I’ve come along way in these 8 mos. I just want that person out of my head and life for good. As far as I can tell, she has moved on. I pray we all get the peace we need to work thru our issues and focus on what is in-front of us and not the past. Thank u again for being there, all of u on here.

      • Cheers to your resolution! You sound like you are in a good place and starting the year with a fresh outlook. That’s huge. Stay positive and you will attract more positive in your life, right? 🙂

  10. Thank you thiswillnotdefineus. I had a complete and utter melt down the day before New Years Eve. My d-day happened August 1st 2014. As mentioned in a previous post it was the very same day my father went into hospital and he died a week later. I couldn’t process anything for months and I went into what I refer to as a deep freeze. The only thing that kept me breathing was the hysterical bonding which I knew nothing of until I read your posts…so validating to know that was part of the normal experience after finding out your husband was having an affair. After my father’s funeral I gave myself until the New Year to decide on what I needed to do. When the time came I discovered I still had so much hatred and resentment and hadn’t let go of anything and was still too immobilized to make any kind of decision. So I panicked. Freaked out on my husband dragging up the same information as if it was d-day all over again. I needed to forgive, and I needed to let go of my obsession with her and I only had 24 hours to do it! I didn’t want to bring any of this negativty and bad karma into 2015. Then I read this post from you. The qoute you used by T.S. Elliot slapped me in the face. And your words of your d-day being a photograph in your mind of a “moment’ in your life resonated to the very core of me. Although 2014 had its challenges for me and I have remarked on it being the worst year of my life, my husband’s affair and d-day were a “moment” and they do not constitute all of what 2014 was; nor will they define what 2015 will be. I get to choose the words I use this year and no matter what happened in 2014 it does not dictate the language of 2015. I didn’t need to let go of anything before the clock struck 12 if i wasn’t ready to. But looking at it from the perspective of a moment, it didn’t seem so catastrophic. Afterall, I survived that moment didn’t I? It was so hard, but I didn’t stop breathing. I don’t need to make a decision about anything. I can be in this moment without needing to be in the moment of d-day. The two are not the same.

  11. Dee, the first year was pure pain for me, then came some understanding. The OW did fade as a person the more I understood what my husband was looking for. This recovery is a process, it takes a while, some good some horrid days, but always moving forward even when it seems to be on repeat.
    You sound really solid, Happy New Year!

  12. Actually, he wasn’t looking for anything, it was thrust in his face! But you know what I mean….all the weaknesses were like buttons being pushed. It’s hard to forgive his partner in crime. That’s why I say she becomes irrelevant, because she is. Don’t be harsh or impatient with yourself.
    You have your fathers passing to process as well.

    My husband and I know each other a lot better now. He will either understand himself, and I myself more, or be gone. I’m taking my time. I hope to enjoy each day and look for improvement in both of us. What’s that cliché..steps forward then back? ( I hate math)
    I hear your pain and anguish, been there, sometimes thrown back there, but the good gets better and is worth it. Let’s hear it for hysterical bonding. Throw away the deadlines.
    I really wish you moments of peace this year.

    • Oh Robin…some days are definitely better than others. Today not so great. Had an amazing weekend. We went away, stayed in a hotel had the best time I can remember having in years. On the 3 hour ride home we had a very candid discussion…much of it lead to her…there were inconsistencies in his story and I found out more of the truth of his relationship with her. He worked out of town 20 days of the month and they spent most of that time together. In those six months she had more of him than I did. I clearly remember all the times I tried to get a hold of him only to hear from the next day with a lame excuse his phone died or he forgot it in his truck. I knew he was minimizing a lot of what happened between them and lying. I have been telling myself for the past 5 months that his lying was to protect me from the hurt. To protect himself from getting “more caught”. But it has occurred to me over the last two days its neither of those reasons. Its a pattern of behaviour. Not having an affair…well maybe it is… I only know of this one affair. He has worked out of town many times…way before cell phones and email (can you imagine) and I wouldn’t hear from him until he came home on the weekends. He never checked in with his family. I am an incredibly strong independent woman….too independent it seems. When working away he would gravitate to the seedy parts of town, align himself with transient people (there have been other incidents too much to get in to). I always thought he was a humanitarian and marveled that he held no judgment about where people came from or their economic status, that he had this incredible knack for treating everyone as equal. But you know, that’s not it. Like what you said Robin, he wasn’t looking for anything…she certainly preyed on him, I know that, but there was enough secondary gain for him to continue to engage in her. She made him feel like KING. He surrounds himself with low-life’s; he likes to be in the company of losers because it makes him feel superior. This woman was so far beneath me… in looks, education, occupation, everything….she seriously has nothing to call her own. Middle aged woman with absolutely nothing to her name…(I hate how that makes me sound and in saying I hate how that makes me sound it makes me sound self righteous!!) but it is what it is. It’s what I struggle with most. Why would you want that…when you had all of this at home? He told me he felt sorry for her that she had a hard life. And when he knew it was getting too involved he wanted to stop it but couldn’t bring himself to hurt her. He didn’t want to HURT HER!! I asked what was so tragic that happened to her. Her life is an effing catwalk compared to what I have gone through in my life and I am not just referring to this past year. She got his love for being pathetic and I got his jealousy and contempt for being so strong. He told her numerous times he loved her….I read it in the text and emails. Yet he denies that was ever true and said that he told her what she wanted to hear so she would continue to lavish him with attention and stroke his ego. Honestly…who am I married to and how did I get here!? Today is not a good day…..

  13. Being dishonored is as bad as being disrespected.Dishonesty confuses me. We can’t compete nor compare ourselves with the other one. We’ve had a real life many years, not just fun stuff and fluff sex. I want to get on with our marriage but it’s me unable to “just get over it”. Some day maybe I will, but memories remain, the fear of the unknown haunts me.

  14. I found your blog three weeks ago. I found out about my husbands affair with my good friend nearly a month ago. Though a month and a half ago I found one text message and both of them told me that it was a one night stand and was a huge drunken mistake. Two weeks later, I found a trail of phone calls to motels. He came clean that he’d been having an affair with her. He would leave work and go meet her. They would have sex and talk. Sometimes they would be together for up to 3 hours. She is a manipulative person and started to express interest in him a couple of months before the affair began. Soon after, he told her he returned her feelings and they resolved to meet. They ended the affair when they realized I had become too suspicious. I don’t need to describe the pain or anger to you. But my betrayal was double. She would tell him personal stuff I had shared with her as my friend in order to get him to stay with her. She often told him that I was interested in her!!! Anyway, for the sake of my two beautiful kids, I decided that I was willing to work things out. Sometimes this feels like the worst decision and sometimes the best. From what you all write, I see that I have a very long road ahead and I hope one day I stop feeling that I want to see her and scalp her. Here’s to strength in the face of adversity.

  15. It’s 3 am. I am wide awake. Today is my monthaversary. It’s been a month since I found out what he did. And I’m wondering why I’ve let him stay. Is it worth it? It would be so much easier to not be with the man who has done this to me, to his family. I always waver between sticking it out and letting go. When he says how much he loves me I think he’s lying. I can’t believe a word he says. So wouldn’t it be easier to just split up? And yet… Here I am.

    • I know what it feels like to be up at 3 a.m. in the middle of the night and doubting everything. Your marriage, your life… Is it all worth it? For me, yes, it was worth going through all the crap, pain, hurt, and sleepless nights to get where we are now. I can’t speak for you or tell you what to do but I do think that life-changing decisions should not be made at 3 a.m. Talk to your husband. Tell him how you feel, as painful and difficult as that may be. Take care of yourself. Don’t spend all day thinking about the affair because it’s a downward spiral. You will need to think about what you need and want every day but take each day as it comes. Focus on what you need to move forward (with or without your husband) and try to take steps to make that happen.

    • We all know how you’re feeling we’ve all been there so I would say give it a bit longer it’s early days I’m 18months pass my d-day and still I look at my husband and think how could you, but it is getting less and less. The other thing to do is think about the rest of your life without him and see how it looks and feel it helped me good luck x

      • It has been 9 mos for me and a lot of blood, sweat & tears. I can tell u the first few months my head was spinning and filled with so many emotions. U have to search ur heart and soul. Do u love him enough to try to make it work and does he feel the same? It’s a long process but for me it was a life-changing experience. The unwinding of my marriage did not happen overnight and so neither has the recovery happened overnight. I can honestly say my relationship is better and stronger then ever before. We are completely committed to eachother and making a new healthy start. Just keep communicating with eachother. You learn so much about yourselves in retrospect. Keep ur support system strong with close friends, and here, etc. (this blog has helped me emensely!) Ur gonna have good days and bad days but it’s a process. Keep moving forward together. Faith hope and love make all the difference and lots of prayers (if that’s ur thing).

  16. The “funny” thing is… my D-Day occurred 20 days after this blog entry was posted. January 20th, 2015. I’ll never forget it. (Now, we are not married, but we dated for a few years before this occurred.. I’ve never loved anyone the way I loved/love this man…)

    And one would think that, being 18 months in, I wouldn’t be scouring the Internet reading blog entry after blog entry about experiences of being the woman scorned. But I am. I’m still insecure. I’m still triggered. As a matter of fact, yesterday I heard a song that reminded me of the first day he met my brother. He had already been “intimate” with his AP (whom I call “CrayCray;” in fact, from what I read, she could be Bat-Shit’s sister… or roommate at the asylum…) by this time. After I heard this song, I immediately called him and asked him, “Why did you even want to meet my brother? You were already fucking HER! You obviously didn’t even want me! And here I was introducing you to more of my family! I’m such an idiot!”

    Of course, he’s blindsided when I see red for no apparent reason (to him). I gotta hand it to him, though; he is patient with me and lets me cry, yell, whatever. The one area he could improve in is really letting me see his emotions. I know he is remorseful. He states it. He tells me all the time. But I want to see the depth of his emotions… and I don’t. And that worries me.

    Anyway, I chose this post to comment on (even though I’ve read almost all of them) because this post is wishing us a happy 2015, and 2015 ended up being the worst year of my life. 😦 It’s getting better… but I’m still struggling.

    Thank you for your blog; it is helping me a lot!

    Jennifer

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