New Year’s Resolution: Sleep

It’s hard to separate time in my mind’s memory these days. For example, I know that I struggle with falling asleep since D-day but I’m not sure if that’s a direct result from D-day or if that was something ongoing that was exacerbated by it.

After having children I became a night owl. I would argue that the hours between 10 p.m. – 1 a.m. are the only hours I had to myself without children interrupting me. My husband works odd hours and often those were truly the only hours awake that I had to myself to work on crafts, read a book, or just watch TV. If I rewind my life even further (give or take 30 years), I had a Teddy Ruxban doll that read me stories as I fell asleep each night. When I shared a room with my sister, I would ask her to tell me about her day and fall asleep to her daily chronicles.

So I guess when you examine my sleeping habits, or lack thereof, I’ve never really been good about going to bed. Ironically, my mom will tell you that I was always falling asleep as baby and young girl. I would fall asleep at dinner, underneath desks, and I always needed an afternoon nap until I went to first grade. I’m not sure what happened because now falling asleep is a battle for me.

restless-nightsI discovered my husband’s affair in the middle of the night. I remember that I couldn’t fall asleep because my mind was restless. I had been suspicious that his friendship with Bat Shit was more than just that. I had been slowly digging into his phone records until I found that email from my husband to Bat Shit that said: “I miss you………….” It was a Friday night when I found the email and I just remember trying to fall asleep and thinking that something was not right. That it makes no sense to tell a woman you miss her followed by so many periods. It was like an anchor in my stomach, a sour, heavy anchor. After trying to fall asleep for two hours I pulled out my husband’s iPad and started weeding through emails. Email after email after email. I couldn’t find much. There were work related emails and emails that sounded like work but full of sexual innuendos. I was struggling to find something damning until I found two downloaded photos in his deleted folder to an email address I had never heard of before. It was in those next two minutes that I feel like my ability to fall asleep was permanently altered.

Once I knew about my husband’s affair I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t sleep at all for the next 36+ hours. I remember at one point driving to CVS and buying an over-the-counter sleeping aid. Prior to this, I’d never bought or taken any sleeping pills. But I was at a point where I needed sleep desperately. I was exhausted from crying and thinking. I got home, took the sleep pill and fell asleep within thirty minutes. I continued to take one sleeping bill every night for the next week. But that was it. I didn’t want to start any bad habits so I stopped.

I don’t struggle with thoughts of the affair at bedtime anymore but I feel like I’ve developed so many bad sleep habits I can’t just close my eyes and fall asleep. I don’t like my bedroom to be silent when I fall asleep so my husband bought me a sleep sounds machine for Christmas. I tried using it the other night for the first time unsuccessfully. I stayed up listening to the sound of crickets chirping in the night for an hour. Then the machine automatically turned off and I realized how long I had been lying in bed trying to fall asleep. I haven’t tried to use the machine again but I plan to.

So I’ve decided one of my new year’s resolutions is to rehabilitate my sleeping habits and finally get a good night’s sleep. It’s about time.

let her sleep

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24 thoughts on “New Year’s Resolution: Sleep

  1. I used to have to have total darkness and quiet, but now I have to have the TV on so I can fall asleep to the background noise so my mind doesn’t wander. I feel ya. So. Much.

  2. How ironic that I read this while wide awake as midnight approaches. My husband? Upstairs, sleeping like a baby and snoring to his heart’s content. Why is it that the unfaithful can sleep while the betrayed toss and turn?

    Just another thing that my husband stole from me that I struggle to get back.

  3. I would like to recommend something: I am not a “new age” kind of person but after the affairs, I was desperate to try ANYTHING to help me “feel better”. For me one of those things was self hypnosis. I found a site: Hypnosisdownloads.com and i downloaded a LOT and frankly they have helped. If you are not familiar with hypnosis, it really is not what is commonly thought of. Basically i find it to be like a kind of meditation and frankly I do fall asleep (I think) during it. Anyway they have one just for falling asleep, or when you wake up and it is not too expensive and it works to basically break bad habits..which is what can easily happen with sleeping habits. It worked for me and I still listen to the many I have downloaded. It really has helped and in the worse case, it is often just a nice message. I am NOT advertising them at all. Just to say that is helped me.

  4. Aww, I hope you get the sleep you need. I’ve been there and it’s exhausting. Does reading before bed make you tired? Have you ever tried an essential oil diffuser? Cedarwood oil is supposed to help you get the Zzzzzz’s you need. Hang in there!

  5. It seems that we(betrayed) all find out about the affair thru way of emails and texts . These were meant for better communication and it has been corrupted for filthy, cowardice acts. Many cannot fight this disgusting temptation. Just another good invention used for bad behavior. All the best to you this year.

    • Sometimes I wish that’s the way I found out. The AP came to my home and gave me the “good” news that not only was she having an affair with my husband but he had broken up with her and she was hurting. She wanted me to know “what kind of man” I had married. She was gloating, boasting, mean spirited and hateful. What did he do? Stand there and listen.

      The memory of her in my driveway, taunting me, was so powerful we sold that house and moved to another town.

      Maybe email would be less traumatic where flooding is concerned.

  6. I am not ashamed to admit that I take a prescription sleeping pill every night along with my anti-anxiety med. This is what my life is for now and not sleeping only makes it worse, because then I think too much, and then I cry, and then I look and feel like shit the next day. This is the reality of what I must do to make it though. Doing the best that I can….

    • I also have a prescription sleeping pill but only rarely use it now. I tried the anti-anxiety but it made me a zombie. Use whatever works. Sometimes the brain just won’t cooperate and turn off.

  7. I found the receipt for the necklace with 2 intertwined hearts on it. There is no good less traumatic way to find out u have been betrayed and lied to.

  8. Always was a night owl, worked in the theatre then loved the quiet. No more quiet since D-day. Sleep feels like death; worry and puzzling out the affair my companion. Haven’t found a sleeping pill that does not make me depressed the next day. My doctor wishes I would take them every night as the lack of sleep is damaging my health. I can’t bear further depression, so I don’t take them. When I finally unwillingly succumb to sleep I wake up late and feel my life is rushing by in half days.
    I read and read, write as much as I can. What a waste of time.
    And for the record, I found out fixing his ipad for him.
    Emails. His business partner was found out the same day (Boxing Day!) showing his wife how to use Skype – the illicit skype calls showed up!

  9. I hope your sleep improves. I was NEVER a good sleeper. There are so many factors involved with our sleep patterns and stress is certainly a major one. I know that when I found out for sure about what my husband did I felt like I was having a heart attack. Doing an in house separation (sleeping in separate rooms) helped me though because I did not have to lay there all night resenting his peaceful slumber. Any way I got back on track with the help of an antihistamine that my therapist prescribed for me. It is used to treat anxiety too, btw. I used it for a while to re establish a more normal pattern and it helped. I also found that accu puncture helped reduce my anxiety, even though I did not believe in it at first. I guess it may take a combination unique to everybody but to all I wish a peaceful goodnight filled with sweet slumber!

  10. Thank you so much for your blog – your posts help me enormously on this journey following my own D Day. It’s like I wrote them myself. Stay strong and continue to heal – 6 months on and I am much better but still have the awful bad days when I’m flat and depressed and it seems impossible to get past the betrayal. But I love my husband and accept we were living separate lives which left the door open for the whore. And I want to keep the family unit intact – why should my sons suffer because I can’t forgive? I do forgive but cannot foresee a time when I will forget. Many thanks.

  11. Thank you for sharing.

    The emotional stress of my husband’s 6 year affair exasperated my allergies to an all time high. Creams, allergy shots, epi pens, ER visits all very extreme during this curiously crazy time. It’s incredible how one’s body signals distress & the time it takes time to honor it’s requests. The deal is, now when I have a “flare up” I become suspicious. YUCK.

    As I prepare to teach yoga, I feel all unsure of where life will take me. I live in the moment and breathe gratitude for the support you have courageously connected over time. Knowing that I am not alone lifts some pressure from my heart center.

    Again, thank you.

  12. Your blog has really helped me. I’ve felt like at times you were writing about my life. Thanks for for being able to put into words what I haven’t been able to. It’s not an easy journey that we’ve all been traveling.

  13. I haven’t slept a full night since D-Day: August 1, 2014. I’m now up to 3.5 hours with a sleeping pill… for 4 months, I got two hours a night. I miss it. And your quote is spot on…. just adding 1.5 hours to my night, I feel like I can take on a small hill 🙂 One day, I will be ready for that mountain, too.

  14. How do you know when it’s over? We have been working for several years since D day – working on ourselves to be in a better space. He ended the affair immediately – that was not a concern. However, we have been through counseling – there has been growth on both of our ends – but yet there is still serious doubt. He says he loves me but yet when we exchanged rings he didn’t want to design a new ring. He says he wants to stay yet isn’t very affectionate at home. I feel like he doesn’t know what people who love each other actually do.

    • I don’t know how you know when it’s over. I am sure there are women that can comment. In my own life, I felt like if I ever felt like our marriage was not good for me and I wasn’t happy then I would need to leave. Maybe you could consider a trial separation if you feel like it really may be over.
      Have you tried going away together to reconnect? His lack of affection could be his guilt still in play or it could be that there’s a distance between you that still needs to be bridged.

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