Why did my husband cheat?

The million dollar question is: Why did he cheat?

If I had the answer to that question I would not only be a millionaire but I wouldn’t have lost so much sleep, cried so many tears, and wasted so much water in the shower. In the beginning I was obsessive about how he made the decision to sleep with Bat Shit. Since I’ve started my blog I’ve read a million reasons that people cheat on their spouses. I’ve read things I think may have some validity and I’ve read utter bullshit.

The further I get from my D-day the less I care about why my husband had an affair. I’ve spent so many hours focused on finding a logical answer. It was like an equation that I was determined to calculate. Human relationships are rarely black and white; there are many shades of grey.

I remalways wonder whyember the first time my husband and I went to meet our therapist she told us both that an affair offers excitement. There’s an attraction to a forbidden relationship. It feels good to be desired by another person. She would repeat these ideas almost every time we saw her. I guess I was foolish because I believed my husband was so attracted to me and loved me so much he could never cheat. I didn’t even believe that he would ever cheat; it was that he couldn’t – it was outside the realm of possibility. I honestly believed that he loved me so much that he didn’t notice other women and if they flirted with him he wouldn’t feel anything. No excitement, no attraction, nothing.

I forgot that my husband is human. I forgot to recognize how good it felt when another man gave me a compliment or flirted with me. There’s an excitement and rush you feel when someone flirts with you. Two years ago I wrote a post entitled:  It began so subtly that he never knew the affair began.  I was trying to wrap my head around how he got to a place in his relationship with Bat Shit that sleeping with her seemed like a rational idea. Or why she even became considered a friend. I was struggling to accept the humanity of my husband.

Today, I’m really not concerned with his relationship with Bat Shit during the affair. I spent so much time hating her and discrediting their connection that I often struggled to accept that he did care about her during their affair. Granted, his feelings for her were reinforced by her lies and deceitful behavior, but my husband fell for her. No excuses, but I forgot my husband was human and that if I wasn’t fulfilling his physical and emotional needs that someone else might take my place. I forgot that everyone wants to be found not just likable but lovable. Bat Shit saw that opening and she took it. I wouldn’t even blame her for thinking that I was careless for not fulfilling my husband’s sexual needs.

I spent so much time focusing on my husband’s actions because there was a yearning to understand the why. It sometimes seems impossible to get out of the cycle of asking why he did it or how did he drive to location X and cheat that first time, but my energy is better spent focused on restoring our relationship and improving myself. I’ve gotten to a place where I am indifferent to the why. I wonder if that means I got my answer or I am just moving on?

why-did-he-cheat

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73 thoughts on “Why did my husband cheat?

  1. I am behind you in my D day but my emotions mimic yours. I always come back to why? I put him on the “never will cheat on me” pedestal and I was naïve and hurt beyond belief. Move on….move on move on

    • I was the same way. About 15 months after my D-day I was sobbing one night and I just kept asking my husband why he did it. As much as I was moving forward I couldn’t let go of the fact that he was so perfect in my head. Obviously, I knew he had flaws but I believed his love for me was flawless. His affair was a scar on his love for me. Maybe I was asking myself why I ever believed his love for me was so perfect? Or maybe I was still putting him up on that pedestal and that’s why it was so difficult to accept the why.

      • I am the one who has the rose colored glasses, the one that gets shocked by the hurtful acts of others. I am not perfect. I believe in magic, love and happily ever after and all that bullshit.
        I think sometimes I am just pissed that my innocence was robbed and my perfect love really was never perfect. Only in my mind.

      • do you have an email. I started follwoing your blog but I have some questions.
        your blog is helping me deal with my husbands affair

  2. I am seven months after first D day and four months after second D day when the whole truth of his 3 year affair came out. During his affair, actually six months in I was diagnosed with an aggressive breast cancer, under went radical surgeries, many because of healing problems caused from treatments I received as a young adult for another cancer. I was not able to care for myself off and on for about 8 months after they had to do a surgery where they removed my lat back muscles and skin and put them over my chest to make breasts, or something similar! There was a lot of healing and rehab to be done after not to mention emotional recovery. During most of this, especially in the beginning, I felt my husband was right there with me, taking care of me when I couldn’t even scratch my nose let alone clean myself or move. He had checked out emotionally from our marriage before this but I felt he was reconnecting again with us but as soon as I was able to fend for myself and as he says he wasn’t getting the attention from everyone for being the great caregiver, he was off again into his affair.
    His affair was an odd affair, even by our Psychologists standards. He only hooked up with her at task force meetings, he is in law enforcement, which were every quarter out of town, she lived only an hour away from us but they never hooked up outside of meetings. The meetings were either two nights or one night. There was no romance, never spent the night together , no lingerie, no laying around talking, no showers together, no sharing of personal life, just going to her room at night, having sex, and according to him, not great, no foreplay, and from the time he left his room and returned the longest he was gone was 20 mins!! So I rack my brain and he does the same as to why he even continued it after the first time which he thought was a drunk one night stand.he says it was attention and just easy sex and no emotional involvement. They had literally nothing in common, no likes, nothing. She was not attractive in general, and definitely not his type. So none of it made sense, they texted each other , on his work phone so there was no sexting, none of it made sense except the attention. He had in 20 plus years of law enforcement spent many of them in special assignments that affected him emotionally and the last one, to do with sex crimes, emotionally shut him down and he changed. He became demanding of me, but giving very little , he sought attention from everyone , everywhere, couldn’t get enough like he was trying to fill a void. We had always been very intimate, sharing all our feelings, good and bad, fears, everything, then he stopped being open but then the health challenge came and I was so sick and fighting for over a year and then recovering for another year that I wasn’t aware of it all and I felt unworthy anyways because of how distorted my body looked. After several reconstructions it now looks almost normal. Thank God. I found out through seeing text messages which were friendly except for the I miss talking to you from her. This has been extremely hard on me for not only the affair itself but for the fact that it happened during my cancer fight. He did go without talking, texting or going to the meetings for almost a year which really kills me cause why did he go back, he says attention and he had turned into a person he didn’t even know.
    He is extremely remorseful and disgusted with his behavior and goes to a psychologist thru his dept who has really helped him get back to himself and the awesome man he truly is but now he has a totally new outlook on life, he is full of gratitude and love. He treats me with love and kindness every day all day, loves me more than life itself and wants nothing more in life than to be in my presence and love me. Sounds wonderful and we have reconnected in ways I never could have imagined, there are no more walls up and we freely love each other, sex is absolutely amazing, still after seven months we can hardly go a day without being with each other and we are intimate in general. I still struggle with why , we didn’t fight, we had a lot of laughter and love between us, yes we had gone through some rough financial times but that never affected me like it did him, or his ego. We have great days sometimes a week at a time, then my anger comes and rears it’s ugly head and I know it is the pain showing and then I feel like I am back to day one all over again, I can’t seem to let it go. Logically I know he never loved her, really didn’t like her a whole lot, she drank excessively and didn’t like a thing he liked, he never wanted to leave our marriage or me, but emotionally I can’t accept it, and I keep fighting it, the Dr says that it’s a process and that my anger will soften and my emotions will equal out because I have made the decision to stay and work on our marriage, that I do love him and want a future with him. It just is so hard to be vulnerable with that one person who hurt you like none other. My walls are still coming up and I wish I was two years down the road and past all this, it is so hard to keep going through this, like Ground Hog day!

    • It does feel like Groundhog Day to go through this. Just when you think you’ve turned a page you realize the chapter is about to replay itself again. When I was about seven months post D-day I felt stuck. I was stuck on hating his affair partner, I was stuck on the same things that caused me pain before, and I felt like I didn’t know what to do next. And once the roller coaster of emotions took off I was struggling to get off the ride. It is a process to get to a point where you can “let it go.” My therapist helped me with the advice that when a negative thought enters my mind to acknowledge it and then refocus and distract myself with another thought/idea/activity. It takes about 15 seconds for your brain to process a thought and trigger memories and pain. So if you train your brain to not linger on thoughts of the affair or his affair partner you will stop the roller coaster. It takes time to get this right. It took me about two months to really get it and then another six months until i didn’t have negative emotions swell up with thoughts from the affair. The thing is if we keep triggering our brains to remember the pain or anger we feel then we reinforce those emotions. If we want to get better we have to learn to not dwell on the pain.
      Your story resonates with me and I feel like despite some differences, they are quite similar. I hope something I wrote helps or just lets you know you aren’t alone.

    • Kimberly, I like you am married to a police officer. I’m just curious was the other woman a police officer too? My husband hooked up with ransoms. My therapist said the same thing about his affairs. I am 4 months past my D-day and the “why” haunts me because he really can’t give me any straight answers to when it actually started? He said it began about three years into his last assignment. Which meant his affairs lasted about 3 years. He met the first one at one of his jobs, he knew she was a “badge bunny” of sorts and I guess the excitement that she would do anything for him turned him on. The attention from that whore made him forget the love he had for me. He chose to leave me and go to her then to be with me. That is so painful. The similarities of our stories is he only spent about 20min with them and claims they gave him blowjobs. When I say “they” he apparently likeed this whore so much he thought he would find another one. So he simultaneously hooked up with two at the same time. When those stopped or got sick of it as he says he started to seek others. So it was the excitement of the chase maybe? I don’t know. He claims he had no emotional attachment to them, and didn’t share any personal details. Just plain old blowjobs. He did text them on his work phone as well. I also found out by seeing a text, I think my heart literally stopped. He said he never thought I would find out and is deeply remorseful. I think seeing the pain he has caused is eating away at him. I think about the “why” all the time… I’ve heard people say, well he chose you not her or them or whatever the f$&@. Honestly is that supposed to make me feel better? I also chose to be with a man who loved me and didn’t cheat, I did not choose this and it has scared and changed us. The ONLY reason I am here is the fact that I I feel and see his remorse. I struggle with the anger I wish it never happened and I didn’t have to ever experience this pain.

    • I feel your pain Kimberly, I’m 8 months after first Dday and 5 months after second Dday when the whole truth of his 2,5 year affair came to light. My husband even left me for her on NY day 2014 without me even knowing the real reason! I have been working (with the help of a life coach) on forgiving him on a human level and reconnecting with him as a friend without worrying about whether i can be his wife or not. I found that it was too big a decision to make when my emotions run wild. To do this I’m working on separating the action from the person. He didn’t hurt me but his action (or repeated actions) did (It’s a daily choise i have to make i’m afraid…) Like your husband he had a 180 degrees turn and now can’t love me enough, comes to yoga and meditation classes with me, started counselling himself and is prepared to take a good honest look at himself. The truth is I do not know if I can ever be his wife again and thinking about the future really makes me panic (How can i trust him again? what is it going to be like when he’s not feeling guilty any more and normal life resumes? will he be able to stay honest and communicate with me next time the going gets tough which inevitably will if we are to stay together for life? At the moment I’m focusing on one day at a time… If I feel like holding his hand I will, If I feel like being intimate with him I do. If I don’t, I say it (in a loving way) and really focus on communicating my thoughts and feelings to him as to why not. It has been helping us both as we both know were we’re standing and that has really brought us closer that ever before. Also I have been working on accepting that life is difficult and that going through really tough times is just part of life (trying to not blame myself for everything). I focus on the benefits that he brings to my life and my daughter’s life and when anger starts to arise, I observe it, thank it for the warning and then let it go! (which is what my 4,5 yr old daughter keeps singing!) I’m really focusing on myself and becoming a whole, centred person and try not to focus on what my husband does or doesn’t do. It is hard!!! but I’m determined to continue. your story really resonates with me and you are definitely not alone. keep on going. We’re all in this together. Much love Mx

  3. Thanks for your message, for me it’s so very helpful to notice that I’m not the only one who’s struggling with this theme in life…
    The question WHY is so interesting. I know that understanding helps me to accept, so I tried to analyze every step my husband made or did not make. Of course I did this because I was affraid… What was happening and how could I be certain that this would never happen again?? The most painful question for me is not why did he cheat, but why didn’t he talk to me about his problems, before he cheated. That’s something I really find difficult to accept, so it still makes me afraid. It’s almost 2 years after D Day and I’m still not convinced that I should stay because of this fear. But still I’m here, loving, caring, and trying to take care for myself as good as I can.

    • I spent a lot of nights (and days) wondering why my husband befriended another woman and began to tell her all the intimate secrets and details of our lives. I wondered why he didn’t tell me he kissed her or was tempted to cheat. But I also realized that being able to admit a huge weakness like: “honey, I am thinking of cheating on you” is extremely difficult to admit. My husband and other people who have cheated say that they didn’t realize when the affair began or they didn’t think it was really going to happen. It’s like playing with matches or fire. It’s so tempting and there’s an excitement in the danger. Admitting to the danger by telling your spouse you are thinking of cheating would mean you were really thinking about cheating. Most cheaters don’t want to admit (even to themselves) that what they are doing is wrong. Or when they do then they rationalize it – “This is the last time” or “I’m not even attracted to this person so how could it be an affair?” Does that make sense?
      I was angry for a long time that my husband even befriended Bat Shit. But it started out innocently like any friendship. And I know how I was before all this happened. I would have been angry and hurt even by him admitting he was tempted to cheat. I wish I knew then what I know now so that I would be open to having a talk about being attracted to another person outside our marriage and the temptation to cheat.

      • I struggle with this as well, wondering why he refused to let me in when always before, he did. I always ask what did she have that so mesmerized him? It’s been almost 2 years since D day, and I think I get worse every day, not better, and I judt don’t know what to do anymore. I am tormented by the things/ feelings for her he revealed to me. Tormentd by him saying he ( and she says too) that he pursued HER so I can’t even console myself with the fact that so many others here can that he was in many ways a stupid victim. Also he at first told me he broke up with her, but I found out that it was the opposite. He thinks HE broke up because he had virtually stopped going to meet her and I guess that was his way to ” break it off” even though he still talked to her on a regular basis. Like so many others say, he is completely different to me than he was during all this, loving me, caring for me. He just can’t understand why since he has let it go and is happy that I should be too. Most days I don’t know if I can stay in the marriage even though I’ve loved him so much, put him on such a pedestal for my whole life. I wish someone could help me and advise me

      • I was the ap and he also pursued me and presented himself as divorced, a renter and available. Instead he was twice divorced, living with a woman in her house who carried him financially and who, when I discovered the truth, he said, “I have a commitment to her”. As far as I know they are still together, but she was totally informed of his outside activities, so can it be happy in her home? Likely as unhappy as in yours. What she should have done is contact the ap and verify everything she was told by her cheater. Part of your ongoing angst is the loss of trust and that comes in large part that the total picture is one of deceit, therefore, how can you really believe anything he says about this specific past event or anything in the future.. I say, contact the ap, be strong, take charge, it doesn’t matter if he knows, whether or not you tell him in advance or after, you tell him, she tells him, try to meet her face to face. Remember, he didn’t ask your permission or give you a great reveal either. If he pursued her like she says, she is mad, hurt, angry, too. This could be a good thing for you both. Keep in mind, when a man deceives the ap into believing he is single, emotions are freed to develop and once there, reason knows nothing of the heart. If you want truth, which I firmly believe will help to clear your brain’s cobwebs, this is a potential broom. Good Luck.

    • I feel the same way as you, Louise. It’s almost harder for me to forgive the “why he didn’t say anything” aspect of all of this. It doesn’t help that he says he’s still not sure he shouldn’t leave. Fear and anxiety are a big part of my life. Still, I love him. I want our marriage to survive. I am loving him the way I want to love him and trying to take care of myself. If that’s not enough, it won’t be for a lack of trying.

      • Susann, first of all, let me say I don’t even know why as the AP you are even on this site. If you’re saying it’s because you didn’t know your partner was in a relationship and you feel cheated because of it then you have a different story altogether than the rest of us– that happens about 5% of the time. Our stories involve an AP who knows darned well their partner is in a relationship yet continues to pursue that anyway. BTW, I don’t have to contact my husbands affair partner, she already knew me quite well. She’s been to my house several times. She would look me right in the eye when I would gush on about how wonderful he was and how I loved him. She was married too, but yet kept her husband across the country to ” watch their house” that hasn’t sold yet– for 3 years. Mysteriously, he came out to live with her again after she and my husband stopped sleeping together. He had stopped coming to her house in the morning– an hour away– before work where they both worked and spent their days together. He stopped because he was transferred and it was no longer a bit out of his way. They couldn’t see each other every day anymore. When he wouldn’t continue to come over like he did, she said she wasn’t going to continue sleeping with him– a ploy to get him to come over again??— if it was, it backfired because by now he was tired and the new commute made it difficult. She didn’t talk to him for 2 months and then (???) called him out of the blue for ” advice” on transferring as well and subsequently did move closer to where he works now. When he finally confessed this, she was livid he told me and made it clear to me that all of it was entirely his fault– all of it. Yet, they rendezvoused at HER house ( the invitation was always open— and it was even suggested again after she moved closer to him). She said– just as you are insinuating– that she was a victim. So ludicrous. We’ve been married 35 years— 32 when this happened– and he has never even looked at another woman

  4. Whatever the why, it was based on fantasy.
    He choose you.
    Now my why is more about why he thought it was an acceptable thing to do, for any reason.
    And why we lacked real intimacy that would have stopped him.

    • Another part of me thinks the reason lies in Buddhism. This “growth opportunity” is to raise my soul’s purpose and cleanse some really messed up karma from a past life. It’s a stretch, but, maybe from some wild cosmic perspective I was a real hose-bag in my past life. Although I was raised and practice Catholicism, mostly, the notion brings me pause and a smile.

  5. I want to say eff it all and you are a lying piece of crap and you 2 deserve each other to rot in hell together forever. But then the kind, loving, trusting wife comes back to reality and wants the man I love and married to be faithful and to love and adore me for the rest of our lives. I pray that I can forgive him and be the person that I want to be.

  6. I often think of the song by Pink “Try” with the lyrics:
    “Ever wonder about what he’s doing? How it all turned to lies? Sometimes I think that it’s better to never ask why”.

    I was meeting my husband’s needs sexually. He even commented after I found out about the affair that he always thought we had a great sex life. Maybe he was looking for validation but either way he felt the need to be with someone else.

    I was like you. I was dumbfounded. Never thought my husband was a cheater. I realize you never can be sure of someone’s heart or mind. They can act one way, say one thing but you really never know until they get caught revealing their true character by their actions.

  7. I don’t buy this. He’s human so what? I am human and if a man flirts with me I don’t feel excitement, I feel “eww” he’s flirting with a married woman, what a sleaze. And i feel the same about the women I see flirting with married men. Affairs are *inhuman* not human “mistakes”.

    As to why, its all about them. Its never the marriage or the spouse or the lack of sex or whatever. If it were then women who are fantastic, loving, engaged, beautiful and giving loads of sex would never be cheated on. And they are. Every day.

    I got my “why” years after the fact, he was pissed off that I was happy amd had a job I loved and he didn’t. It was a temper tantrum, lashing out in his own selfish jealousy, a mid life crisis of hating his job basically. Whoop di do. Its genuine but so what? What a big inadequacy of a reason.

    The why matters but the why always boils down to the same thing: they felt entitled for some dumb “reason” of their own that was about the fact they have something wrong with them, in boundaries, or entitlement or any other kind of narcissistic streak.

    Finding out his “why” was important. It proved it was exactly the same as every other affair. Not grey in fact. The epitome of black and white.

    Some people never cheat. We are the human ones.

    • This temper tantrum, a response of the ultimate spoiled adult-child, is a theory I feel carries weight. So, then, does it all stem from depression?

      Most days, I think he’s more depressed than I am & he cheated for 6 years. Maybe, if it’s a dis-ease, like depression, I can have empathy. Why not get help, then, right?

      It is inhumane to treat someone like this. I like your fiery-ness.

      • Nephila,
        You are dead on balls accurate.
        Selfish.
        If you are committed to your spouse that thought should never enter your mind and anybody who goes for a married person is a disgusting sleaze ball.

      • I stayed. Initially I stayed because he was sick in the head, and I was unemployed with a newborn. Initially I stayed to see what happened and to make sure she never had any role in my kids lives. But in the end I am glad I stayed, he saw through her and he learned how to thump her. And it is good to see that. Even if I do leave one day that is worth it and it was never a waste. But actually we are okay now, 4 years after D Day. Not perfect. Not healed. Not forgiven and let’s all sing and dance. And not better than the intact love I had before. But okay. And okay is enough to be better than any of the alternative options.

    • Nephia
      So many APs and husbands on here need to read this post when they try to excuse this behavior. There’s no excuse and definitely not the betrayed spouse who has the problem

  8. I just want you to know that you help me with every post. Today I read this and it fits everything I ask about my husband to the exact word you write. My husband cheated on me without a warning I could see. The day I found out he moved into her home and left me and our kids without a care the next couple of days were horrific. He filed divorce papers a month and a half later and had me served on a Friday and to my surprise on the following Monday he showed up on my door begging to come home. My world was rocked again. So many emotions over took me and I was so surprised to find that my heart wanted him back. I swore that I would never take a cheater back. I guess that was before I was in that position and experiencing the actual situation. We have been together for a year and 5 months and I try everyday very hard to move on and stop thinking and asking all the questions. I have been doing pretty well. We went to cousenling and our relationship was better then it was before the affair. I started to think that maybe it was meant to be to make us a better whole. Well 2 minyhs ago I felt him slipping away. I noticed the similarities and I was on top of it. He swore all was ok. 2 months later (2 days ago) I went to check my phone records to see if he was contacting the horrible person that destroyed me and to my surprise I found multiple calls to a long distance number. Some calls were 3:00 am and lasting for over almost an hour and then other calls all throughout the day. I couldn’t Beleive my eyes. It was happening again. So far I have found out that it is an ex girlfriend that he love to talk to. They talk all the time and talk about our relationship. He tells her problems of our marriage that he has never disscussed with me. My heart is hurting. I’m a little glad it is long distance but I feel it is almost worse cause it’s like an emotional affair and I feel that can be worse. I’m a mother of 5 boys two of wich are 7 month old twins. I do so much for this man and I have been complaining I feel him slipping away he says all is ok and I’m left hurt and anyone and now this. I don’t know what to do. He said he will stop talking to her he wants me and the family and he dosent know why he keeps doing this. Do you have any advice?

    • Has your husband gone to therapy on his own? I would try to find a therapist that you trust and like that can help your husband figure out his pattern of behavior. Does your husband recognize that confiding and talking to another woman in secret is infidelity or a pathway to cheating?
      Regardless of all this, take care of yourself first. You are most important because you need to care for your five boys. Your boys can provide you with a distraction from all this when you are upset/angry/sad but it’s okay to process those feelings too. I hope you have someone you trust to speak to… they don’t need to necessarily offer you advice but just be a person you can confide in to hear your thoughts aloud. Take care.

  9. I agree with Nephila that betrayal is an inhuman and cruel act. I say an emotional and spiritual rape. But I wouldn’t say it’s a “mistake” rather a series of choices they made. To say betrayers are “only human” or it was “a mistake”, is to reduce and minimalize this awful act of aggression on the marriage on us. I will not become an apologist for my husband’s cruel and selfish behavior. His betrayal is the single most painful and devastating experience of my life and has forever changed me. I have had many deaths in my family including my father, a very dear sister and nephew. But betrayal is singularly painful because I it was a choice–no many choices (perhaps  hundreds or thousands) that he made on a daily basis for as long as the affair and “friendship” lasted until I discovered it. His betrayal nearly destroyed me, our marriage, and any illusion I had of us and him. It exposed his lack of character and integrity and weak will, to think he could look me in the face and lie to me for many months. Who was this stranger?  It’s been over 2 years for me and we have reconciled but only because he was immediately remorseful, repentant, atoning, humble and transparent, working unselfishly to help me heal from his destructive act and to redeem himself. Nonetheless, I know his betrayal will always be a source of pain and disappointment to me. Actions so life altering ought not to be minimized even years later, lest we forget and become complacent.

    While  I understand how some seek to “put it behind them”, I think it’s dangerous to minimalize this most painful and devastating  experience. The “why” is important unless you believe the why is tied to anything you did. Know that it’s not. We cannot make others betray us, just as we can’t make them talk to us, develop character and morals. That is all on them.  And some betrayed unfortunately, continue to delude themselves that the why is elusive.  To be clear, the reasons why they betrayed us are not complicated. It’s simple really, they felt the urge to do what they wanted with whom they wanted whenever they wanted with no thought or care as to how it impacted their marriage or their spouses. They had no proper boundaries and engaged in behaviors that escalated the more they chose to put themselves in questionable situations. They chose to speak to another about things they had no business sharing. Some simply felt entitled. They were furtive, lied, manipulated, plotted and justified the unjustifiable to themselves in order to continue. Ultimately, the urgency of the moment was more important than their marriage, their spouse, us. Betrayal clearly exposes ones character and integrity–or rather lack of.  See them and their actions in all its ugliness. But that’s not to say they can’t redeem themselves if they are truly remorseful and atoning, but there it is.

     

    • Moddie,

      You are brilliant. My husband told me that his affair was the most selfish thing one person can do to another. It was absolutely all about him, his needs, his desires, his wants. He never considered the damage of his actions. Consequences meant nothing to him.

      I refuse to take one speck of responsibility for his choices. He CHOSE to betray. If our marriage fails, it is all on him.

      We work hard every day to build a stronger, more honest marriage. But I will never minimize the path of destruction my husband has made on my heart and life.

    • Wow, thank you. My husband of 41 years had a year long affair with a co-worker. My day of discovery was Sept 10, 2014 and I have basically been driving myself crazy trying to get an answer to WHY ever since. He has told me numerous times it was due to his selfishness because someone beside his wife paid attention to him. He can’t explain why he continued doing it even after he realized he shouldn’t and didn’t’ want to. We have been over and over this in counseling, but it was never a good enough reason for me and I didn’t really believe him. Reading this is kind of like an Ahha moment.

      • I think it’s hard to understand from our (hte betrayed) perspective when we are in pain. It took me time to even validate the idea that my husband was flattered by his AP and the attraction was (gulp) real. It may not have been right or good but it feels good to be flirted with. It feels good to be desired.

  10. Thank you this post. I have been struggling with “why?” I’m also in the verge of wanting to cheat myself because I feel no longer desired. My husband said this is not true, but I don’t feel that he feels the same about me anymore. My D-day is June 27th. It hasn’t been a year. I want to fight for my marriage, but I’m exhausted.

  11. My husband cheated on me with my best friend and business partner in that last few months of 2014. I am pulling myself out of this rubble and making a new life. I am so happy to stumble onto this blog.
    It would be one thing if he cheated with a stranger but this was my confidant, my best friend, my sister that I never had. I am reeling…

  12. I too have often wondered why he did it. He doesn’t really know. Or so he says that. It was one year on January 9. As I have stated before, he has been great at wanting to reconcile and put my fears to rest, etc. For the most part I want us to work through this. He has put it behind him. Doesn’t even think about it. Sometimes I wonder if he truely healed through it or stuffed it. I am the one having issues. He worked with her and she and I became friends. Then they ramped it up. Their friendship became more and I was being used and not knowing it. I have gone through hating her. I don’t as much…but I still feel like if I saw her I would want her to know I know everything. Apparently, he told her that if I ever found out I would leave. Well, I didn’t. I feel like I want her to know that I know and I didn’t leave and our love and marriage mean more to him than she ever did. Petty and childish, yes. But some days I think I don’t have it in me to stay. Some days I think I will never move past the fact they were intimate. I know details and I wish I had never asked. Those mental pictures come up and I do my best to push them out, but I hate them. I hate them so much. I used to think about it every day…multiple times a day. Now, I am able to go a day or two and not think about them or it. But then there are times when my brain is consumed with it. It is an internal battle and struggle. Those are the days I think I am not strong enough. When I just look at him and want to reach across the table and punch him square in the face, call him a f*cker and tell him I hate what he did and how much he hurt me. His having an affair was totally being selfish. I was not perfect…I pushed him aside and focused on our kids and he felt like he wasn’t important. He also felt like he couldn’t be his true self…like he was hiding a part of himself from me and that I was a manipulator and controller. We have worked through issues and the honesty has helped and I am changing things about me that I have wanted to for awhile. For the most part, our marriage is stronger now, but the affair, it taints it all. Like this white elephant in the room for me. As a christian, I pray a lot and know that I am not in this alone, but I often wonder when it won’t hurt as much, will I ever reach a point where I won’t want to scream at him or punch him in the face. Will I ever reach a point where I see her and just want to turn away instead of saying something to her? Will I ever find peace again?

    • Oh boy…..Dealing with this issue now and it is the most horrible thing have ever felt. I am to a christian woman focused on my family and being a good wife. How can he be so selfish when I have given so much of a part of me to hold our family together. Will I ever be able to let this go? I wish I had an answer for both of us, I know God will see me through this but looking at him sometimes is even hard, oh and her…claimed to be a friend even went on a field trip with our kids , can you imagine…? Let us both be able to brethe and take one day at a time. The hurt is very painful and I an sometimes consumed daily by this. Ive seen a counselor and that did not even seem to help. I need to get over this not only for me but for my children. Taking time away from ther lives because of my obsessing over this is not healthy. Got to put kids to bed, I read this and had to respond because it touched home more than you know. goodnight and you are not alone.

      • Hi Julie

        Did you ever seek help for him as well since he is the one that committed adultery and has he fully repented and does he have Godly sorrow for his actions? Did you both receive any Christian counsel together as a married couple? It is very important to get help from those in like mindedness in Christ and understand sexual sin behaviors . My husband went to Pure Life ministries for sexual addiction for seven months and he came back transformed and renewed in his mind. That doesn’t mean he is perfect or an angel but he came back with a full understanding of how sinful adultery is against God and is fully repented. This program is not only for the sex addict but any male who is operating in sexual sin. There also a program that is offered online if one can’t attend the program. There is also a program I took there as well to help hurting spouses. They also have a lot of reading materials to purchase and even free sermons to listen to online. The sermons seemed to really help me at the time I was going through the beginning stages of my husband’s addiction. Another good resource for help is Dr. Doug Weiss in Colorado Springs. He is a Christian and a Psychologist that goes out and preaches the word in regards to sexual sin. Heart to heart counseling is the name of his practice. They have intensives in which you go there for an intense five day counsel session but it is rather expensive. However, he has a lot of good reading materials and downloads for purchase. I do know that healing begins when your husband has fully repented, broken before God and is humble before God and you. He also needs to confess everything he has done against you and the marriage without giving details to his sexual encounters(that is considered a big NO-NO in this type of Christian Counsel)) No marriage can heal when there is still darkness so all darkness must come to light. He should want to go through the pain with you and take responsibility for everything he caused. He will be willing to do whatever it takes that is Godly to help you heal. The reason many wives don’t come into healing is because their husband are operating in selfishness, pride and can not be humble to realize what damage they caused. Maybe your husband would be willing to go through such a program…and maybe you would be willing to do the program for spouses as well. I do know the Lord wants to heal us and it is a process but in order for that healing to come both spouses must operate in the character of the Lord. I know many wives are devastated, hurt, bitter and angry but they don’t have true forgiveness and/or keep rubbing the sin in their husband’s faces or calling them nasty, degrading names. Remember God says to forgive or else we can not be forgiven and he also says to call what does not exist into existence….so if we are calling our husbands awful nasty names then we are calling that into existence. So we want to speak blessings rather than curses. When we begin speaking the blessings of God over our husbands you will begin to see that manifest in your husband and your marriage. But if you speak and continue to speak curses you will see that manifest in your husband and marriage as well. It sometimes is really hard to speak such blessings when you are in pain but remember that the Word of God is sharper than any two edge sword and cuts to the marrow of darkness. Bottom line this is spiritual warfare against Satan who is trying to destroy God’s family unit. But even demons must submit to our authority in Jesus Christ so start speaking God’s Word over your husband, marriage and yourself. Oh yeah,, you can look those programs online…I hope some of this has helped you but if not just toss. God Bless and praying for your healing from a sister in Christ.

  13. WOW what a wonderful bunch of women you are! Having an affair is THE most selfish thing you can do to the one person in the world you claim to love. Its a cowardly act committed by a selfish coward. If my husband was truly unhappy, he should have had the balls to stand up and say so… but he didn’t, instead he cultivated a friendship with another such coward and told himself lie upon lie to convince himself that what he was doing was fine, that I wouldn’t care even if I found out. He took the cowards way out.

    The “why” kills me. Not only the why but the “why didn’t you realize what you were doing before you did it”. Why didn’t he come to his senses when he was buying condoms? Why didn’t he come to his senses when he checked into his hotel, knowing she was following? Why didn’t he stop after he fucked her the first time? Those “why’s” will be with me forever. I don’t believe he can ever explain them in such a way as I will understand why he did what he did. There is no explanation, just a set of circumstances that led him to cheat on me, break our vows and almost crush our marriage. Hell who am I kidding??? He crushed that marriage and burnt it to the ground. That marriage, that wife is dead. Murdered by 2 selfish assholes.

    • I was the other woman, except deceived by a man who presented himself as single and available. I was sad, lonely, widowed. I loved my late husband. Meeting someone who gave me the same depth of feeling, intellectual stimulation, physical attraction, felt like a miracle, a blessing and I felt so happy again. I did find out he was not available, but was, by then, in love, although in love with a bad man, a cheater and liar. I stayed involved for a time, and then ended it. I still grieve for this loss, but betrayed woman who place ANY responsibility upon the other woman, are deceiving themselves just as much as their husband’s have deceived them. The other woman has zero blame. If betrayed woman give any blame to the other woman, it is only to excuse the betrayer. A big mistake.

      • Any other woman who knew he was married or did not kick his arse and dob him in the second she found out is every bit as culpable as he is. I don’t care what he told her, she knew he was married and she wanted him yo cheat so she knew anything he told her was also likely to be a lie – and even if it wasn’t? Even if his wife was a fishwife? No excuse anyway.

        No she isn’t my keeper. That does NOT mean she owed me nothing. I make no promises to the idiot teenager who skateboards onto the road against the traffic lights. I made them no promises. I owe them nothing. And yet I do not run them down and hear their bones crunch under the wheels of my car just because they were in my way and I feel entitled. No. I stop for them. I do not run them down. And not just because some pesky policeman would charge me. He might not, after all I have no intent (and most OW claim they never meant to hurt us, we were just in their way). No, the legality has nothing to do with it. It is just a shitty thing to do to someone who did nothing to you. And makes the perpetrator a pretty horrible person.

        So don’t bother poor-me-ing for the other woman. She screws a married man she is every bit as responsible as he is the minute she knows he is married.

      • Did you discover he was married at all during the time you were seeing him? And when you did find out what did you do about it as in continue on with him or end it?

      • Nephila, no, he was not married, but living with someone. Know this regarding, “any other woman who knew he was married or did not kick his arse and dob him in the second she found out is every bit as culpable as he is” ought to consider this: Reason itself knows nothing of the heart. It’s a scathing situation, and should it ever happen to you, you may understand. I assure you, the minute I found out I wrote him a long letter to him, ending it, telling him how awful he was, how terrible I felt, how he should nurture and fix the relationship he was in. You must understand how shocking it is, from your own experience. I too, was in shock. The brain takes some time to recover from shock. “Kick his arse” the very second, is totally reasonable, but simply impossible, the brain cannot reason when in shock. Don’t be too myopic. Remember, he stole something from me very precious. I feel like I will hurt forever, because I still do, but I found the strength, sometimes, it just takes some time. The strength continues, as the years go on, I have ignored his few sporadic contacts.

      • Danni smith, you say a woman who places ANY ( capitalized by you) responsibility on the other woman deceives herself…. YOU are deceiving yourself– playing pseudo victim. Yeah I admit yours was a different situation than most of us who are MARRIED to the man, but please– it takes two to tango. And you admit that you “stayed involved for a time” after you found out he was unavailable ( but still–those living together are not in a committed MARRIAGE), yet you knew he wasn’t YOURS. Women who are a party to destroying relationships are NOT blameless– they are parasites sucking from someone else.

      • Beth Kimbrell-it does not appear the woman is claiming to be a victim or victimized-simply stating facts of the situation. What is so much worse for the cheat on partner, you for example, is the added humiliation you suffer. It’s being deceived by them both, doing it behind your back in front of your face. The one emotion the other woman generally does not suffer is loss of face, the feeling like a fool. I think much of anger is escalated because of that gut-wrenching sickening feeling of feeling like you were made a fool of, but, you are not the fool. Trust is a beautiful situation, and you trusted and can never be faulted for that so try to forgive yourself for not having antenna for the cheat. It is all his fault. None is yours. And for that matter, his ap? She knew, so reduce her to some type of lesser person, not even worthy of the time to assess her blame.

  14. Why he did it? Please excuse the length of my post, but I just couldn’t stop myself.

    First and foremost it is Entitlement: this is something that is learned from a parent or siblings, as a child. They feel entitled to have something or do something they know they should not, but because they have witnessed this entitlement first hand, the act of, “well I’m going to do it anyway”, they realize that if they feel strongly enough about something, they can have it, it’s their right to exercise this option. This entitlement is the key reason why people lie. This feeling of entitlement often emerges when the perpetrator becomes angry or enraged, and via a tantrum, the truth surfaces, exposing their entitlement to have or do as they wish, and lie about it if they have to.

    Because of these feelings of entitlement, they fabricate ideologies like, “well she’s just a friend”, or “how can it hurt anyone if they never find out”, or “dammit, I work hard and bring in the bacon, so I’ll be damed if I can’t get a little something on the side”.

    The second reason why is Opportunity. The opportunity presents itself in the form of a compliment, and if it comes from someone they admire, all the more powerful. If they already admire this person (like what they look like, how they act, or whatever reason makes them admire this person) it forces them to reciprocate the gesture, sort of like putting quarters into the slot machine. The complimenter then takes it up a notch and shows them affection or caring (as if the flirting wasn’t enough) and this catapults them into a feeling of, “Wow, I’m being accepted and admired by someone who I admire”.

    They can’t tell their spouse about this admiration because spouse wouldn’t understand that it’s just an ego booster and nothing more, even though the complimenter has now taken to carefully selecting their wardrobe every morning. The soon-to-be (STB) cheating spouse feels excitement and a rush occurs each time they have an interaction, much like eating something you can’t get enough of, and leads the STB cheating spouse to continue further. They know they’d be shut down if spouse were to know, but they continue to do it anyway, and this is where the entitlement kicks in for good measure.

    This ego boosting and rush they’re getting, starts to manifest thoughts of, “how come I didn’t get from life what I’ve wanted and deserved? Yes I have a happy home and marriage and I love my spouse, but why can’t I experience this feeling with my spouse?” This new person starts to explore such conversations and goes into therapist mode, affirming their thoughts, and soon thereafter the spouse-bashing begins, and the new person now becomes lead cheerleader to help them achieve their wanton desires.

    This entitled opportunistic person is also a coward, a big mammalian coward. They take this path of self gratification not because they’re selfish, but because they are cowards who cannot face the truth and must avoid conflict at all costs, because they know they are wrong, but feel the need to do it anyway.

    • And this is just exactly the way it is AskAddy. Thanks so much for getting the perspective out there. The husband ultimately betrays the relationship, but maybe it’s wrong, but I personally hold women to a higher standard. Women should stick together. I’ve had many chances to stray, but I would never do that to another woman ever

      • Hi Beth k, I would love it if women stuck together but this world is full of scorned people who’ve become immoral and believe that if your husband was so happy in their relationship then why are they coming to me?

      • Because just what you said AskAddy: the women ( and men) who have no integrity feel entitled to have whatever their own selfish desires think up– with no regard for who it hurts

      • I for one, deceived into believing he was available and it took stupid, widowed me a while to figure it out. But, I firmly believe, with every fiber of my being, having had a wonderful and loving marriage, that one who is happy in their relationship, is never tempted because real love obfuscates ANY physical or mental attraction to another. While a man may note another woman is attractive or intelligent, the female would not feel jealousy or any concern. When each person has deep true love for their partner, desire for another is simply not possible. Just my belief and based upon my experience and that of a few close and long-married friends.

  15. He, through counseling, has found out why. It was over 10 years ago that the affair happened. A few emails found over the years since etc. For ME…it doesn’t matter WHY. He did what he did…and broke his vows of monogamy. He promised NEVER again but would talk to me first to work it out. I found flirtatious emails through the years after. He did what he did….can never undo it or undo my emotion upheavals. It’s frustrating for him….a reality for me. There’s NOTHING he can do….it’s too late!

  16. I think I could write a book about cheating on your spouse and it would include all these stories but it wouldn’t be too interesting because we all have the same story. We love our husband and trusted them and they betrayed us and broke their promise to us. We are all so hurt and live every day of our lives different than before. We can not be cured, we can only try to trust again. I wish there was a magic potion we could take to make it all go away.
    Do you think if somebody contemplating cheating would read this blog and realize how there actions destroy lives? The lives of the person they were suppose to protect and love the most? I wonder..

  17. I have been reading many of the replies here and honestly I can relate but my horror and nightmare has been multiplied compared to most of the women here. About one and half years ago, I was awakened to the nightmare of my husband’s sexual addiction. No it just wasn’t one women but several women…The count thus far is 13 women…but that doesn’t include the women he had phone sex with as well as the women he sexted with over the phone. So ladies this really sounds bizarre but I wish my husband had only one affair. I wish I were in your shoes and had your pain. I can’t begin to tell you the pain that is involved with discovering a husband’s sexual addiction.

    In the course of my husband’s downward spiral of his addiction
    (unbeknownst to me at that time), he became very emotionally and verbally abusive to the point I shut down in the marriage. At that time, I told him he needed to get help from the VA or I would divorce him. He was previously diagnosed with POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER ( PTSD) and he refused the treatment and counseling that was offered to him. So instead of facing his problems, he decided to run off out of state to his father’s house without any regard to me or our 8 year old daughter. He claimed he needed a break a way and that once he got settled in at his father’s place he would get help at the VA that he needed and would find himself a good church . He claimed he would be gone for only two or three months but it became a year and a half. While he was out of state he continued on in his addiction still unknown to me with various women. He even befriended an old high school girlfriend soon after he arrived in that state and she became his regular fling. He even brought this wayward woman regularly into his father’s household in which they befriended her. She was even invited out with the family there on many occasions and was even invited to a church wedding by the bride who was my husband’s step sister. This wayward woman appears in various pictures from that wedding…how nice is that?

    So as you can see when one is in sexual sin or sexual addiction all morality becomes lost and it becomes a downward spiral into a mindset of complete depravity and insanity. . But you see not only did my husband operate in such depravity and insanity but his family did as well. They all knew he was cheating on his wife and allowed him to bring it into their household. And where do these type of women come from??…my husband admits that every woman he was with knew he was married. He admits that he was so bold to approach women by expressing he just wanted sex and they complied.

    When I first discovered my husband’s infidelity, I believed it was only one woman, the woman I just mentioned above who was the regular fling that was invited to the household. After I found out her name, I called her and discovered that there was more to the story than I knew. Apparently my husband confessed to her that he cheated on me several times….this is when I discovered there was several women. She knew my husband was married and it apparently didn’t seem to bother her that my husband was a cheater until she thought my husband was cheating on her….Do you see the insanity of some people? She thought my husband was cheating on her during a cheating affair. She knew my husband was married and she knew my husband was planning on coming back home…Talk about insanity and I thank the Lord that I haven’t lost my mind in all of this because what I have been put through has been completely INSANE.

    Not to mention how this woman then began to harass me on facebook by creating a separate facebook account just for me to see while she posted pictures of her and husband together as well as an array of fabricated harassing nonsense…All this was taking place about the time I was sitting next to my daughter’s bed side in the hospital who was having repeated seizures. It was evil at its fullest.

    So what is my husband’s excuse for doing such things….well I could say that he was corrupted as a child from being exposed to pornography by his father and being molested by a family friend as a young boy. I could say he suffered mental trauma from being in the war. I could say because of all these things he suffers from Post Traumatic Syndrome….The truth of the matter he does suffer from such things but it will never justify his actions and it certainly doesn’t make the trauma I have lived and experienced any better or less painful. After all what I have been through I am now suffering from PTSD and it has been a slow recovery.

    So what did I do when I first discovered my husband’s addiction? I wanted a divorce immediately as the pain was unbearable to think my husband had a double life and wasn’t the person I thought he was and who betrayed me beyond my imagination. I was married ten years and my marriage was in darkness for 9 years and 2 months from the time he first cheated. For ten years I believed and trusted him and even when I was alerted in my dreams about him cheating, I believed the best in him and denied God’s voice who was speaking truth in my dreams of the night. How could I ever trust him again or live with knowing what he had been doing this whole marriage???

    So there I was a women in her mid 40’s who served the ministry and the church who had a husband who was a sexual addict. While I was at church on stage singing Praise and Worship songs unto the Lord my husband was off defiling himself, me and our marriage. How could this be happening??? Why didn’t God allow me to discover the truth long ago? How could I ever accept the truth of what was taking place and how could I ever forgive my husband. Well I couldn’t, I was determined I was going to be divorced until….this incident…..

    I was praying to the Lord telling him how I needed him to help me through the divorce…I was telling him that all I ever wanted was a Godly man that served God just like I did…..I told him that I did want a husband in the future and that I would let him pick him out. I even asked the Lord to show me who my future husband would be…..continueing on in prayer, I eventually went into a sleep…and here is what happened. I went into a very real vision/dream…In this vision/dream I was watching myself sit in a beautiful chair in a wedding gown…instantly there was a groom whose face I couldn’t see came to the front of where I was sititng and kneeled down at my feet. Then it was like I had a zoom up close vision of the groom and could see what he was doing. He was feeding me the bride wedding cake. I then could see who it was…IT WAS MY HUSBAND!!! I instantly woke up because I was completely stunned and in SHOCK… I yelled….NO LORD NOT HIM!!!!! NOT HIM!!!! I just cried and cried…..At that moment I knew the Lord wasn’t releasing me from the marriage….In fact this wasn’t the only confirmation as a Prophet of the Lord spoke to me after this experience and expressed very similar things. This prophet of God knew nothing of my circumstances but yet spoke all that I was going through and what God was saying to me. And it was a confirmation to the dream I just had from the Lord.

    So trying to make this story as short as i can because it has been a very long story…My husband went into a live-in sexual addiction ministry program fpr over 7 months and became set free from his addiction. He has been home since October and has been coming into a great transformation and is now enrolled in bible seminary college. He wants to become a Pastor/ Counseler to help other men to become free from sexual sin.

    Its not been easy and we are still in the beginning of our recovery but we are determined to work towards his healing, my healing, our marriage’s healing and our family’s healing. Its not easy but when we look at the big picture, we understand we are called to the ministry for God’s purpose of helping other people who will go through what we went through. Not only will our marriage be an example of the work of the cross but all the work of the resurrection!!
    GOD WILL HAVE HIS WAY IN OUR MARRIAGE!!

    • I did forget to mention what the Lord was showing me in the dream. He was showing me a few things actually…He was showing me that I would remarry my husband and that he would now become a man of humbleness and servant hood to the bride as Christ loved the church (expressed by the kneeling at my feet) He would no longer want to have his cake and eat it too as in this dream he was giving his cake over to me. This represents selflessness and putting me first before his desires. When the Lord shows you something for your future how can you possible say no? I battled with the Lord in all of this but in the end I knew it had to be the Lord’s will and I needed to conform to His will. We suffer at times for the sake of others but in our suffering if we are willing to bear it there will be a resurrection of life and victory. Just imagine if I did divorce my husband he may still be in his addiction living a life which would eventually destroy him, Because of my sacrifice to persevere through the pain, I am seeing God’s Glory in my husband and marriage. So I want to encourage women out there to trust in the Lord for your husbands’ and marriage. God is the healer and restorer of all things even in the worst possible circumstance. I can honestly say that we are a testimony in the works…we are not fully there yet but we are becoming closer everyday to the victory of overcoming sexual sin in marriage!

    • Teresa

      I am sure without a doubt in my mind that you are and have been devastated by all of this but let me tell you with all that I am that the devastation that I feel is as real and terrible as anything you or anybody can feel. I have lost love ones and it has not hurt so bad. I told my husband on dday that it would have been better for my heart if he had died and I would have never known the truth. I know that was a horrible thing to say and I am happy that was not the case but I do feel that my heart would have been better off in ignorance. We are all sisters in hurt and when you are broken and this has happened to you being able to measure the hurt from one persons situation to another is not possible. I could say that there is no way that somebody who has been married for 5 years could never feel the same hurt as I do because I have been married for 33 years but I don’t believe that. You love deeply and you hurt deeply. That is it!
      Love to all you 🙂

      • After hearing testimony of other’s pain n such circumstances losing one’s child no doubt would be the worst pain one could ever feel and it is a pain no parent wants to ever imagine or go through. I have even heard psychologists make the same statements so apparently there is a measuring of pain compared in various circumstances. I do agree that losing a close relative other than one’s own child doesn’t compare to the pain felt in adultery. Losing my father and other close relatives didn’t compare to the pain I felt in discovering my husband’s sexual addiction. I do however disagree that the pain felt in discovering my spouse’s sexual addiction is far worse than discovering a one time affair. Why can I say that because I have lived it and still living it. When I discovered my husband’s one affair, so he led me to believe for awhile, was very devastating and I felt much like you all here but it was only the beginning of the long untold story. Keep in my mind sexual addicts have many untold stories and much of the time they don’t confess the whole truth all at once. There are several reason why men don’t confess the whole truth at once which isn’t important to discuss right now but this was my husband as he only confessed a little bit at a time…in fact I just found out not but three weeks ago about the first time he cheated on me was with a real prostitute. He decided to choose in that moment a prostitute over his wife and family. Wow….pretty insulting isn’t it! It has been two years since I discovered his addiction and I am still discovering about his various affairs of the past still yet to this day and who knows there still may be more to tell as I know the Lord is working on his heart to be able to tell me such things. Now here is the part that you may not seem to understand every time I discover his past it is discovering another affair and feeling the same devastating pain all over again. The pain is the same and just as devastating as when I first discovered his first affair and sets me back in another shock and depression. Now imagine yourself going through it over and over and over again. Just when you think you were told everything more truth comes to light. So I am not literally measuring my pain to your pain in one affair as I know the pain is very real and I would never undermine your pain but I am measuring my pain with the pain of several women spouses of sexual addicts who all agree to say the same thing as crazy as it sounds that we wish our husbands only had one affair and we wish we only had the pain of a woman who only had to deal with the pain of one affair. After all we already know the pain of the just one affair and trust me you wouldn’t wish to go through any of this and the reality of it is that many women don’t and divorce their husbands because they can’t bear that kind of pain. To say that discovering my husband’s multiple affairs isn’t a worse pain would be an extreme understatement and is a different level of pain then one just affair,,,and yes it is far more painful and devastating not only because of the betrayal and unfaithfulness but because of the mental torment that goes along with it which is a lot different as compared to a one time affair.. Like I said women such as myself agree to say that we wish our husband’s only had one affair as crazy as that sounds but until you go through it then you could make sense of our mental thought processes. But I am sorry that my statements in the beginning of my note offended you as it wasn’t meant to offend anyone and I was just stating the reality of what it feels like to be a spouse of a sexual addict but i probably could have worded it differently. My expression would still be the same to say that I wish I had other’s pain in one affair as compared to someone like myself who is dealing with multiple affairs and still going through the discovery process and just knowing there might be more women that I don’t know about is very unnerving and even at time tormenting to me because I am ready for the healing process. After two years of discovering my husband’s sexual addiction, I should be well under way of the healing process but because of more stuff coming forward causes one to fall back in the healing process. Now would I like to trade my circumstances with a women who discovers that her husband is a pedophile or even a rapist, most definitely not! That kind of pain would far outweigh the pain I am going through and I couldn’t imagine the pain and would be unbearable to me. My mind set is this at the end of things that I want to totally be restored and healed from this and I believe I will be and will be a testimony to others. We all can receive that kind of healing but we need to receive it from our Heavenly Father. In either case we must come into healing and can’t be stuck in the past of pain as that is not the plan of God is who the restorer of all things. We also have to realize that many of us here have been just an unfaithful to God as are our husbands have been to us. Have we always been faithful in our walk with God and perfect before him.???..no we could never be and that is why Christ came to take our sins. Did many of us here keep ourselves pure before the Lord prior to our marriage and did we have sex outside of marriage while being single??. This according to God is sin and shows our unfaithfulness to Him. This is why we need to show forgiveness, mercy and grace towards our husbands for their unfaithfullness. Though we don’t have all the same levels of pain, we can be restored and healed even in the worst of the worst circumstances. As my mother told me in the past as a child that when we think we have it bad there is always someone who has it worse and that is a very true statement. So in whatever circumstances we face we still must be thankful to the Lord and he will give us the mercy and grace to deal with any circumstance if we only lean on him.

  18. This isn’t a competition of who experienced the most pain nor do I want to be the prize winner of who has the deepest pain but I am just stating the reality of things as I have and other women such as myself have experienced. I never said your pain wasn’t deep or not justified for what you went through. But how you can know or understand something you didn’t go through? So it wouldn’t be fair for you to make such snide remarks as I wouldn’t disrespect you in that way . My intentions are not to be in the same place of pain five or ten years from now as I am ready for healing now and I refuse to be stuck in pain for the rest of my life but I realize it is a process that I am going through in order to bring healing into our lives. If I am still in that same place of pain five or ten years from now then I am not leaning on God to heal me and denying Him as my Lord and Savior. God gave us all a promise for deliverance, healing and restoration and I believe that with all my heart and receive that I am coming into that. God is no respecter of persons and what he does for one he will do for another so I know he will bring healing into my life because I have seen it done for others in similar circumstances. Bottom line God wants to heal you and me from any kind of pain but we must want to be healed. He loves us both the same and wants us to live healthy lives. So I do hope and pray that you find the healing in God that I am also seeking because you rightfully deserve it as the Lord wants you to have it. God Bless you Nancy!

    • I am hear to heal and to help others. I am not here for you to tell me that you have it worse than me. You don’t know me or possibly know my hurt or for that matter the hurt of anybody on here. I feel sorry for you because you dwell on that. You should know that Jesus doesn’t measure a person by their hurt. We all hurt and I am not going to argue with you about this. Nor do I want to. Don’t measure me, it is insulting. Worry about yourself. I will pray for you to understand that we are all sisters in brokenness. Amen

    • Well I apologize if you thought I was measuring you and that was never my intention, and I never said I had it worse than you but I can see how it may have sounded to you by the made comments I wrote, ““ladies this really sounds bizarre but I wish my husband had only one affair. I wish I were in your shoes and had your pain. I can’t begin to tell you the pain that is involved with discovering a husband’s sexual addiction.” The expression says this really sounds BIZARRE…exactly that because it is bizarre to think that way and I am expressing the bizarreness of those kinds of thoughts. It is not normal to think that way but after going through what I have been through this how you begin to think. So in your comments you point out as you wrote….the devastation that I feel is as real and terrible as anything you or anybody can feel” , But how can you know my pain and know what I feel?. Then you write, “when you are broken and this has happened to you being able to measure the hurt from one persons situation to another is not possible.” This is where I totally felt you undermined by you and you showed no real compassion as I was not trying to measure my pain to you or others. But the things you said to me you may have had good intentions but when someone goes through trauma and you are trying to help others you should never start out saying I feel the same as you and just as terrible because now you are not validating their pain but you are validating your own. Sometimes people need validation in their pain to make them feel better. Just a simple YES I see your pain, I don’t know how you feel or what you are going through but I believe the best for you…For everything I wrote in my very long story you only seemed to comment on something that offended you but there was no real interest in me or my story or even my outcome. But you did feel the need to correct me. So maybe you were trying to help but I didn’t feel that way at all and felt quite the opposite. This is why I continued on with another post trying to explain more what I was feeling but only to get bashed again. But truly my intentions are not come on here and cause a fuss but I am a woman in pain as well. But maybe we both can learn something from this that if we are to help others we need to walk carefully around them to show them respect much compassion and grace without trying to compare or bring insult. And maybe we can agree that we are not sisters of brokenness but we are sisters in healing!!!!I sincerely wish the best for you Nancy very sincerely with love and many blessings!!

  19. your writing is eloquent and speaks to my shattered soul and heart. U speak the words that I feel . I do not know how long ago this was written or if u even still reply. I too believed that my husband loved me. I believed what he said was true. And I also withdrew from Famiky and friends. And my spirit is shattered into pieces. Too tiny to ever put back together. And I do not know where to begin to heal and do not know if I can. Thank u for your writings that gave words to my emptiness.

  20. I can’t tell you how much every word, every single word on this page resonates with me. My husband of nearly 11 years cheated on me TWICE. The first time with my friend….his affair lasted over 6 months! Then recently he slept with a co-worker. Only once, cause that makes it so much easier to take. I hurt so much, all the time. I want to stay, and I want to leave all at once. My three kids see how hurt I am, that I am a broken shell of a person. Do I move on, without him, tearing their daddy away from them for my own mental state, for my own sanity? Do I stay, knowing that by doing so I am allowing him to continue treating me this way?

    I just want to feel loved with passion, I want to feel like I am worth fighting for, that our marriage is worth fighting for. I want to confront the cow he slept with, I want to publically humiliate her so that for even a moment, she can feel a glimpse of how hurt, embarrassed and humiliated I feel. I want her to know how it feels to feel that pang of hurt and anger knowing that you’re so stupid…how did I not see this happening, how could I have been so stupid to trust him, to allow him to do this to me a second time?

    • I know exactly how you feel. My husband has done everything I’ve asked and more to rebuild our marriage but I am still not certain that everything I’ve done has been the right choice. I know that I stayed for our children. I know that I love him but I wasn’t capable of comprehending my life without him. We’ve been together for half my life. I never ever thought about the chance that we might not end up together. Then when I found out he cheated it just was like someone came and shook the snowglobe that contained my entire life up and set it back down. My emotions, beliefs, thoughts, dreams, everything was scattered around me.
      We are picking up the pieces but it’s not always easy and I don’t always know if I am on the right track. I worry that it will happen again too. I let him back in….

  21. To Danni Smith, I am sorry you fell for a liar and a taken man. I would say most of the women on here that have been cheated on, the other woman knew he was married. They are just as guilty as the married person. Of course if the married person didn’t fall into the clutches of the evil one none of this would have happened. All stories are different yet the same. We are all hurt and it took 2 to hurt us. Now, as far as you knowing that if a man truly loved his wife he wouldn’t have done it, I feel that it is more like if a man truly loved himself he wouldn’t have done it. How can they live with the hurt they have caused? and same goes for the other woman..how do they look in the mirror?

    • There is an awareness that occurs when brainpain subsides enough to stop crowding out objectivity. It’s the words from Tina Turner’s song, “What’s love got to do with it?” Every woman, whether she knows or doesn’t know the man’s status, should recognize this is a character issue. Morality is in such short supply these days. These men are bereft of Character. It’s depth of the person and when you recognize the person is as shallow as a plate, you have gained so much. I learned he was a serial cheater. Cheated on his wives in both marriages, cheated on the girlfriends, so many of them. Cheated on his last wife with the woman he is now living with, who he has now cheated on, repeatedly. Remember the movie, “First Wives Club”? I am in that similar type club. And wow do we laugh about him, his lies, his deceptions. The contradictions of himself, as remembering your lies is important, has also shown us that his mind is not sharp, while we are all still 100%. Recognizing the man is a gigolo, unable to provide for himself, is a huge curative. AND, it’s certainly true with him-once a cheater always a cheater.

      • Proud to include you in the “hurt by a cheater club”. we all are heart broken, innocent people looking to heal. Hang in there, it does get easier. ❤

      • Danni
        Believe it or not I do have empathy for you as it sounds like the guy you had a relationship with is a sleaze ball for sure. However I find your posts humorous to say the least. First you give the message that all APs Are not the same — some like you according to you, are victims. You want to give the impression that we all should feel sorry for APs. You group all of them together yet you make a judgment that all marriages are the same when you say it wouldn’t happen if the marriage was happy. Then you make a comment that if a couple were really in love none of this would happen yet you say ” what’s love got to do with it. I’m sorry you were duped by this sleaze ball but as it’s been already pointed out MOST of the betrayed partners in here were either personally known by the other woman or she at least knew he was married. There’s no excuse for the choices he made. BUT there’s no excuse for the other woman either. They are NOT victims. My husbands AP ( who disguised herself as a friend to both of us) actually wrote me an email saying ” I like you an a victim of this”. ARE YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME??? You KNEW!!! I was outside this thing the entire time unaware while he tried to find himself. Fact is both partners use each other and to the wife’s expense. When an AP has to offer an “excuse” for such a lack of character and integrity it’s no better than the husband who cheated because the AP cheated too

    • Exactly. Thanks for so eloquently stating this as this is the very thing my husband who has done everything and beyond to save this marriage realized in therapy. He hates what he did and knows and even says aloud he was possessed by something evil. He is a changed man and at least u can say he’s more aware of the boundaries of protection in a relationship and the fact that there are some women who could care less

      • Yes Beth evil is out there. the one that went after my hubby knew without a doubt that he was taken and had been married for 30 years and had a family that counted on him and loved him dearly. She set out to break up a family and almost succeeded. She has done this before and didn’t succeed the other times either but has caused a tremendous amount of hurt. There is a special place in hell for her.

  22. My belief: a man who cheats is not in love. Impossible to accept but, think why you wouldn’t cheat. Because you love your husband-you desire nobody else. Love is, you are the only flower. If you were to find yourself attracted to another man, you would not act upon it because love does not want to hurt their beloved. Therapists give a rap, their middle name is rap, about mistakes and excitement and sexual needs, blah, blah blah. Cheating isn’t a mistake, it’s an intentional act with planning. Cheating isn’t about excitement as true excitement is for roller coasters and wave-running. In the arms of contentment and security is all the excitement the heart needs. Sexual needs are not anywhere in Maslow’s hierarchy of food, warmth, social and fulfillment. A man who cheats does not love and very possibly doesn’t know what love is, having never been with that person who causes that love to emerge. The betrayed may truly love the cheater, but these words from a friend decades ago-“why love someone who doesn’t love you?” Bitter, but the truth as I see it. Stay if there are kids or money issues, but not because you love him, because he doesn’t love you. Prepare your life to end the life with the cheater. Whether one year or twenty. Because the cheater doesn’t love you, never will and never has. Love is ever-lasting-real love that is. And never, ever, ever, blame the other woman-it is never, ever her fault, it is always 100% his fault. Or her fault, in the case of a cheater wife, as the same afore applies.

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