The million dollar question is: Why did he cheat?
If I had the answer to that question I would not only be a millionaire but I wouldn’t have lost so much sleep, cried so many tears, and wasted so much water in the shower. In the beginning I was obsessive about how he made the decision to sleep with Bat Shit. Since I’ve started my blog I’ve read a million reasons that people cheat on their spouses. I’ve read things I think may have some validity and I’ve read utter bullshit.
The further I get from my D-day the less I care about why my husband had an affair. I’ve spent so many hours focused on finding a logical answer. It was like an equation that I was determined to calculate. Human relationships are rarely black and white; there are many shades of grey.
I remember the first time my husband and I went to meet our therapist she told us both that an affair offers excitement. There’s an attraction to a forbidden relationship. It feels good to be desired by another person. She would repeat these ideas almost every time we saw her. I guess I was foolish because I believed my husband was so attracted to me and loved me so much he could never cheat. I didn’t even believe that he would ever cheat; it was that he couldn’t – it was outside the realm of possibility. I honestly believed that he loved me so much that he didn’t notice other women and if they flirted with him he wouldn’t feel anything. No excitement, no attraction, nothing.
I forgot that my husband is human. I forgot to recognize how good it felt when another man gave me a compliment or flirted with me. There’s an excitement and rush you feel when someone flirts with you. Two years ago I wrote a post entitled: It began so subtly that he never knew the affair began. I was trying to wrap my head around how he got to a place in his relationship with Bat Shit that sleeping with her seemed like a rational idea. Or why she even became considered a friend. I was struggling to accept the humanity of my husband.
Today, I’m really not concerned with his relationship with Bat Shit during the affair. I spent so much time hating her and discrediting their connection that I often struggled to accept that he did care about her during their affair. Granted, his feelings for her were reinforced by her lies and deceitful behavior, but my husband fell for her. No excuses, but I forgot my husband was human and that if I wasn’t fulfilling his physical and emotional needs that someone else might take my place. I forgot that everyone wants to be found not just likable but lovable. Bat Shit saw that opening and she took it. I wouldn’t even blame her for thinking that I was careless for not fulfilling my husband’s sexual needs.
I spent so much time focusing on my husband’s actions because there was a yearning to understand the why. It sometimes seems impossible to get out of the cycle of asking why he did it or how did he drive to location X and cheat that first time, but my energy is better spent focused on restoring our relationship and improving myself. I’ve gotten to a place where I am indifferent to the why. I wonder if that means I got my answer or I am just moving on?