Do you ever feel like this shadow washes over your day? Sometimes darkness comes over me and I feel myself sink deep inside. All my insecurities start to surface and I see my life differently. Or I see my life through a different lens. It’s sad and full of doubt. My thoughts lead me through a maze of constant emotions and memories. Each turn I take can either bring me deeper into the abyss or shut down the thoughts completely. It’s a choice to not let them takeover. It’s a choice to not fall into depression for me.
It’s the moment right before an emotional breakdown. Or it’s the moment you avoid the emotional roller coaster that feels the most perilous. Either I slam the door on everything and focus on believing only in the good or I will crumble into what feels like a million pieces.
The truth is this feeling, or these moments, I’m talking about have been there my whole life. It’s nothing new. When I was fifteen or sixteen I would sit in front of a mirror and let the thoughts flow through my head. I was lucky though, I had the ability to ponder all my insecurities and then let them go. I learned it was therapeutic to acknowledge all my deepest fears, insecurities and truths and then move on with life. I continued this pattern of behavior all through college.
If you ask me, I would say that this exercise ended after I married my husband. But that would be a lie. I am remembering things the way I want to believe they are. Sometimes it’s hard to remember which insecurities were always there or appeared after D-day.
Today I was triggered and sinking into a dark, lonely place I started to doubt everything. That seems to be what I do, maybe it’s what people do… When I feel most insecure then I doubt the people around me. I started to question my marriage, my husband and wonder if everything I’ve built my life on is a lie. The doubters and APs reading this will say yes. But I don’t want to believe the naysayers.
When I let down all my defenses all I can do is trust myself. Trust that my life is where it needs to be. Trust that every step I’ve taken is right and that I am building something better. I’m figuring this out as I go here.